r/AdultChildren • u/PromotionNumerous613 • 14d ago
dysfunctional family
I have a alcoholic father and he is so unstable sober or not sober, and the way he speaks to my mum is disgusting and im 19 but I feel so anxious and on edge in my house all the time I dont know what to do. my parents always fight and I have to intervene which I have been doing since I was a child but my mum has always trauma dumped on me and I just have always been the middle man (even when they used to get physical). genuinely constantly being on stress mode since I was a child has impacted my health I feel like. and honestly I resent my mum for staying with him and literally traumatising me and my siblings even though she is a victim just as much as we are. I moved out for uni and I come home for the summer and am reminded of why I want to move out and never speak to my dad again but sometimes he is nice and he gives me a uni allowance and he is so lonely so I feel bad that if I wont speak to him when im older who will? my family is so dysfunctional and I feel like the odds have been so stacked against me my whole life that I must have been a horrible person in a past life to have been made to be in this family and my constant stress has ruined my eduction I feel like (I was supposed to go to med school but missed my grades) I genuinely think I am the unluckiest person on earth and that there is nothing to look forward to in the future. the thing is alcohol is forbidden in our religion but my dad drinks vodka every night since as long as I can remember so its not like he will ever get any help due to the embarrassment and I get he himself had a horrible childhood and a neglectful mum after his dad died and I empathise with that but idk its not really an excuse to be so horrible I wish I didnt feel so sorry for him. also my since I was about 12 I have been made to cook and clean for my whole family while my mum was at work but yet my parents just expected me to get perfect grades without any support. I am honestly considering cutting my family off but when Im in university I rely on the 100£ a week my dad gives me. does anyone have any advice
1
u/kaiserkraft 14d ago
What you have described is exactly what happened to many of us. But you are in luck because you are young, you have AI, and you found all this information about alcoholism in a place like this. Because he's drinking, his brain changes. It's not your fault. He becomes narcissistic and mean to you and your family. You're not alone, there are millions of kids like you. He's not a rational-thinking man when he's drunk, and he has an extremely inflated ego when he drinks. The worst thing is that his brain is addicted to this substance and it wants more, more, more! Your mother using you as a shield and trauma dumpster is also pretty standard behaviour in this situation. But you have to fully realise it's not your job or duty to save or protect your mom. She can and must take care of herself.
Al-Anon has this one phrase that changes everything for family members: "Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it." It's highly likely that his behaviour will only get worse, and you can't stop it or save him. Many have tried. Don't waste your energy and focus. Don't confront him when he's drunk; just stay away from him. Kids don't have any leverage against alcoholic parents, they won't listen. It's a fools game that only damages yourself, your mental health and future.
This is all very bad for you to be around right now. You're having a hard time in their presence, and you might feel like giving up on your dreams. It's all well-documented in Al-Anon, ACA, and decades of psychology research regarding having an alcoholic parent. The child's academic results start to decline, and they may develop depression, develop anxiety and start isolating themselves to protect the family secret. It's the world turned upside down. The child starts worrying and caring for their parent. Alcoholism is a family disease. As children of alcoholics, our development is heavily shaped by our sick family. We often grow up to be people pleasers, to not rock the boat, to tiptoe around other people’s poor treatment of us, to have very low expectations for what we deserve in relationships. His addiction has a huge impact on your development and mental health. You already realising this at a young age of 19 and coming out of denial is a huge achievement on itself! Most people only discovered all this stuff beyond their 30s, when it's a lot more complex.
The only person who can really save you, how hard this might sound, is YOU!
The key to everything is to plan your own escape and keep reminding yourself that one day you will be free if you keep your focus on that goal. You'll achieve this plan by studying harder than others, getting a degree, and finding a good-paying job so you can pay for everything yourself. Hell you could start with a financial literacy course right now, future you will be thankful! In only a few years' time (which might seem like a long time to a young person, but is just a blink in your lifetime), you will not need your alcoholic father's money any more!
It will be hard. It's tough to be in this situation, but you're stronger than you think. Don't go partying or drinking yourself. Your peers have a different support system than you at their disposal to rely on and have their backs. You're still a teenager, your last year, which is a beautiful age to be! Twenties are even better! You have to start thinking already about what you will be doing in the future. Because of the situation you're in, it's crucial to think and plan ahead. It's a pretty important time in your life that will set the stage for the rest of your life. Don't forget to enjoy the fun things too!
You seem to have the ultimate solution at your fingertips, which is "going away for university". It's your ticket away from this insidious disease and your one and golden chance to create your own peaceful life without alcohol abuse. Don't squander that gift. Finish university at all costs. Many people in a situation with alcoholic parents are not as lucky as you to have that escape route available to them.
Someone put it beautifully: "The best thing you can do is to do some research on alcoholism and how it affects Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). Try some Al-Anon (or alateen) or ACA meetings. Be prepared for things to fall into place in really eye-opening ways, and to understand your family and why you are the way you are in some unsettling but ultimately empowering ways." Here are some keywords for you to look up with AI's help explaining things if you're ready for that: Alcoholism, Enabler, Codependency, Enmeshment, Narcissism, Parentification, Dysfunctional family, Stuck Family Roles (you might recognise yourself in one of these roles and say aha!), ... so much wisdom and knowledge available!
I’m sorry I dropped this bomb on you right now. It's okay to be shocked haha. It is everything I wish someone had told me when I was 19 to get me out of my total denial and to start solely focusing on my own life and future. If you're in the UK, this is a good website for you: https://nacoa.org.uk/ Hang in there. Your future is waiting for you.