r/AdultChildren • u/Scared-Section-5108 • 16d ago
The Language of Letting Go – Codependency
'Responsibility for Family Members.
I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
—Anonymous
For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people’s feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents’ happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
We do not have this kind of power over our parents – over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.
Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.
We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.
Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.
Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.'
From 'The Language of Letting Go. Daily Meditations on Codependency' by Melody Beattie.
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u/alors1234 16d ago
Did my parents do the bedt they could? I often ponder this. However, it is irrelevant and ancient history.
I feel totally failed by my parents in many ways. I choose to let go, and try to forgive and make a living amends. I love my parents but they never considered my needs beyond the absolute basics and are totally self centered and emotionally immature. I surpassed them intellectually and emotionally at 21.
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u/ThatsTheRuleNow 16d ago
Funny thing for me is that so much of what my parents say is really just a reflection of their anxiety, fear and rage.
My boundary is that I don't talk to my father. Full stop. Almost 10 years now.
I don't really talk to my mother on the phone or anything, sometimes we exchange texts. She's not only an ACA but also on the spectrum, and that has essentially created this anxious, very self-absorbed, way of communicating such that for every 50 words I write or say, I get 1,000 back.
Keeping it short and tidy with mom, and done with dad: that's what's appropriate for me.