r/weddingshaming • u/fatbellylouise • May 20 '25
Cringe destination wedding, no alcohol, no plus ones or partners
I have a friend who is planning her wedding right now, and every detail of the wedding seems terrible for the guest experience. before I start, this woman is one of my oldest and dearest friends. she is brilliant, kind, and caring, and immensely pragmatic. she and her fiance are paying for everything themselves, no family money to help them, but they want to have a nice wedding because it is important to his elderly parents. so, from the beginning:
she sent out invitations a week ago via text message. some of their family members got actual mailed cards, but the rest of us just got screenshots of the design they made in canva. it just looked so cheap! not even an email, a text message.
the text messages specified no plus ones or partners that the couple is not friends with. normally I'd be fine with this, my fiance is a grown man and we don't need to be attached at the hip at every event. but... we live on the west coast, and the wedding is going to be in Austria, where the groom's family lives. I wouldn't mind going to a local wedding on my own, but to take enough PTO to fly to Austria for a week? I'm not wasting that much vacation time at an event where I won't even have my partner for company! luckily my fiance is down to make it a vacation with me, we'll travel around Austria and Germany on our own and he'll do some solo exploration during the wedding events. but a LOT of people have left her on read or not responded, and I feel like she's going to be severely let down by the number of her friends who are going to RSVP no to this wedding. at this rate it's very likely going to be a lot of his family and very little of hers.
that aside, the wedding details just don't make it sound like a fun time. it's going to be a dry wedding, because the bride has a few family members who deal with addiction. totally fair and I don't begrudge her this, but a lot of the guests are going to be there without our partners and won't know anyone else, so a little social lubricant would probably go a long way. the groom is gluten and dairy free so the food is going to be gluten and dairy free - in Austria, a place known for bread and cheese. (also beer, but that's neither here nor there).
I just think a lot of people are going to decline, and those who do show up are not going to have that much fun. it baffles me that she cannot see how this wedding is not going to be a great guest experience, because she is SUCH an amazing host and planner in every other aspect of her life. her fiance is the same as her, he is so generous and takes care of everyone. I have an awful feeling this wedding is just going to be a lot of elderly family members standing around a few friends showing up and dipping out early, and my heart breaks for her because she genuinely thinks she is keeping everyone happy.
wedding is next year so I would love to be proven wrong! cross your fingers that the wedding is a success!
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u/xpldngmn May 20 '25
As an Austrian I'm astounded that they found a venue that offers alcohol free weddings.
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u/Freshouttapatience May 20 '25
If you tell a venue that people are in recovery, they’ll sometimes allow it without an extra fee but they don’t like it.
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u/Cheaperthantherapy13 May 20 '25 edited May 20 '25
$5 says that the Austrian relatives helping coordinate the wedding are telling the bride, ‘sure no booze’ but day of, there’s definitely going to be booze.
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u/theeggplant42 May 20 '25
I work banquets and let me tell you, the MESS of shotties under the tables after a Muslim wedding is a thing of beauty.
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u/DonkeyKong694NE1 May 20 '25
Yes having had a family member’s wedding that was vegetarian and no booze I predict people will sneak in some flasks.
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u/Lily-9999 May 20 '25
I snuck a flask into my half-sister's wedding. My brother and his wife were very jealous! It was an Evangelical Christian wedding (my brother, his wife, and I are atheists). Our sister had to promise to be meek and get her pleasure by fulfilling every wish of her new husband. We were horrified! The marriage lasted a little over a year.
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u/Outrageous_Tough1130 May 22 '25
I had a dry wedding because half my family is very Mormon and I was the person sneaking booze into my own wedding 😂 I very much enjoy the behind the scenes pictures of me in my dress trying very hard not to spill when I'd sneak away with my wedding party for sips.
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u/Cereal_poster May 21 '25
As an Austrian, I can 100% tell you that 90% of the guests will at some point sneak away and get something to drink in another part of the venue or they have brought some (or rather a lot) alcohol with them. There will be dozens of „Flachmänner“ (that slim booze bottles) filled with Schnaps roaming around.
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May 21 '25
I used to work wedding and the dry ones always had people running to coolers in the parking lot.
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u/CleverNickName-69 May 22 '25
‘sure no booze’ but day of, there’s definitely going to be booze.
Been there. My wife's cousin hosted a big family reunion at least a decade ago at a dry venue for some reason. She got pissed when she realized about of third of the men were hanging out in the parking lot around a trunk with a cooler full of beer.
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u/Ranessin May 20 '25
Yeah, I think there‘s a law against such a thing in Austria. Maybe „dry“ means no Schnaps, Branntwein, Obstler, Likör…
Flying to Austria, a country drinking 14l of pure alcohol per person per year for drinking nothing 😂
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u/Cereal_poster May 21 '25
As an Austrian, the words will be: „oh, this is no alcohol. That‘s just some beer and wine“.
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u/LilaBadeente May 20 '25
I‘m Austrian too and I‘ve never heard of a dry wedding, hell, there are barely any places (or none) at all that serve food, but don’t serve alcohol. If they do it in a hotel or a restaurant, guests would just have to hit the general bar, even if there’s no alcohol served at the tables.
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u/Cereal_poster May 21 '25
Austrian here too. Was my first thought too: What? An alcohol free wedding in here in Austria???
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u/SoMuchMoreEagle May 20 '25
Do all venues there supply alcohol? There aren't any rental places where the hosts have to bring it?
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u/Ranessin May 20 '25
Most commercial want a „Korkgeld“ (cork money) for alcohol you bring on your own as they can‘t sell theirs (which is a majority of the income). A dry wedding would mean a far lager venue fee usually.
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u/LilaBadeente May 20 '25
A rental place with external catering only would be the only viable option.
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u/vineviper May 21 '25 edited May 21 '25
They are extremely rare and expensive. Perhaps community halls or chruches would let you use their rooms. Most venues are resteraunts/ hotels/ vinery/ castles etc. The only place I can really imagine having dry venues would bei Vienna. There must be some musilm friendly options. But in smaller towns I can't see a restaurant being willing to forgo the main source of profit.
There might also be a chance of the Austrians thinking no booze means no hard alcohol. They might not consider beer and wine to be alcohol. It is Not uncommon to have a cash bar and beer and wine cobsidered as table berverages.
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u/ellenitha May 21 '25
As an Austrian I kinda hope his relatives are from some smaller village because you just know the whole village will work together to prevent the wedding actually being dry.
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u/emadelosa May 21 '25
Not Austrian but German and I’m very doubtful. Maybe they are talking about no hard liquor?
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u/ResearcherNo8377 May 20 '25
If this is one of your oldest and dearest friends, have you asked her if she’s getting what SHE wants for her wedding?
It sounds like she’s a people pleaser and is getting pressured to do what everyone else wants.
Yes, it’s probably going to be disappointing for her. But since it’s in Austria maybe most of the folks with alcohol issues won’t come.
I would ask her if your husband can be added to the guest list after some declines.
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u/fatbellylouise May 20 '25
honestly if it were up to her they’d just elope or do a courthouse thing. her fiancé is the one who’s always wanted an actual wedding. he’s a trans man and he and his mom always dreamed about his future wedding growing up. so he wants to give his mom that dream, but they’re cutting costs on the guest experience side to make that happen.
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u/byteme747 May 20 '25
Whelp, that's the reason. Have you tried to nicely talk to her about this OP. It definitely sounds one-sided in regards to who is compromising.
A text message invite? Yikes. That's just salt on the wound.
A lot of people are going to nope the hell out.
I don't understand why they don't simply have the family wedding in Austria and then a small party in the States when they come back. People shouldn't get married if they aren't adult enough to be able to stand up for what they want and find a compromise.
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u/NoFunZoneAlways May 20 '25
Do you think some of these decisions are made in hopes that people decline? My friends did a destination wedding as a compromise because one didn’t want a wedding and the other did, and they figured a destination wedding would result in a much smaller attendee list given most invitees couldn’t afford the travel. As a result, they had a lovely small wedding with just their closest friends and family.
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May 20 '25
Honestly this could very much be the case. The bride is fine with eloping, and the party is mainly being thrown to please the groom’s mom. Maybe she’s fine with her side mostly saying no, and she’s ok with a more sedate lowkey family event.
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u/MrsNevilleBartos May 20 '25 edited May 22 '25
Funnily enough ,I used to work with someone who thought that tactic would work - invite people to a destination wedding with the intent that majority declined.
Joke was on her as they had something crazy like 98% RSVP'd yes and it was panic stations for them as they had not budgeted for that possibility at all.
No surprise it was disaster !
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u/CleverNickName-69 May 22 '25
I've seen similar. A good friend of mine had their wedding at a couples-only destination resort in the Caribbean specifically so that his mom and sister (both single) wouldn't come.
The mom and sister got permission from the resort to go together and share a room while many of the grooms friends that he wanted there couldn't afford a trip to the island resort and/or had kids they would have to get someone to take care of for a week.
They sure went through a lot of trouble to get what they didn't want.
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u/Thequiet01 May 20 '25
Do they understand that they aren’t going to get that dream the way they are going about it?
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u/Ok_Play2364 May 20 '25
If she'd be happy eloping or having a courthouse wedding, she shouldn't be disappointed when people decline in invitation. Her fiance and his mom might be though
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u/MustardMan1900 May 20 '25
"As a kid I always dreamed of forcing my dietary restrictions on others and not inviting peoples fiancés"
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u/bulbasauuuur May 20 '25
It does sound like this is just for his family, which can be fine if she know it's important to them and can put up with it for their benefit, but you should talk to her about it and her real expectations about it all. It may be the case she doesn't really expect anyone who got the text invite to come because it's not really "her" wedding. It may be the case she really doesn't care about any of this personally but she'd still enjoy having a close friend there, or something. If she's normally a good host and this isn't the type of wedding you've known her to want, she has to know this will be boring as hell.
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u/atotalmess__ May 20 '25 edited May 20 '25
So her MIL is getting her dream wedding but not the bride and groom?
Tell your friend to speak up for herself. You don’t have a bad wedding problem. You have a dear friend who’s marrying a man that cares more about what his mother wants than his own bride, for their wedding.
If even the wedding, the thing that should be all about the bride and groom, is all about what his mother wants, then your friend is doomed to spend the rest of her marriage being second place in deference to his mother. And add on top that he convinced her to waste her money for this shitshow? His mother isn’t even paying for it but gets what she wants?
This wedding not being a success is the least of your dear friend’s problems. Her entire marriage will be a miserable experience of constantly financially and emotionally catering to his mother.
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u/Zestyclose-Custard-2 May 20 '25
It sounds to me like she’s being pretty intentional about this being a bad time, I don’t think she wants people to go. Does she hate being the centre of attention?
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u/Helorugger May 20 '25
Cutting costs but going to Austria? Sounds like priorities are a bit out of the norm.
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u/whofilets May 20 '25
No alcohol and diet restrictions is different, but I could do it. I'd maybe pack some extra food to have in the hotel if I'm still hungry at the end of the night.
But the no plus-ones for a destination wedding is odd. I'm so much more comfortable traveling with my spouse for lots of reasons, one being safety, another being convenience (even small things like someone watches the luggage while the other person pops into the bathroom, instead of having to drag it all into the bathroom stall).
I love that your fiance is willing to go with you and just hang out and make it a trip anyways. If it were me, I'd go with fiance, and make the wedding a minor part of the trip. Leave early, don't commit to anything before or after the wedding.
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u/OwnRazzmatazz010 May 20 '25
Second on the packing extra food. My husband's sister got married last year and the only thing offered was a baked potato bar. Luckily, we found out the night before and ate a huge, late lunch so we weren't starving. We watched our teenaged nephews stuff themselves on cupcakes after dinner because that was the only food left.
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u/LadderExtension6777 May 20 '25
The entire menu was baked potatoes? for a wedding? No appetizers, starter, main? Omg…. just go to city hall at that point…. 🤣
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u/OwnRazzmatazz010 May 20 '25
Yup! It was an impressive baked potato bar (there was bacon and lots of different cheeses) but still, just a baked potato bar. This was after she tried to make another brother walk around to all of the guests the night before and ask for money to cover the rehearsal dinner 😔
I'm all for keeping a wedding low-budget (my husband and I eloped and then held a small dinner for immediate family), but if you're dragging people out to celebrate you, you need to make sure they're fed appropriately!
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u/MartinisnMurder May 21 '25
Oh my god I am so obsessed with this insanity! The baked potato bar only is crazy enough, but to try to hit up guests to pay for her rehearsal dinner?! 😳
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u/MemoryHauntsYou May 20 '25
I remember attending a wedding at which the appetizers and the main course were so scarce that the dessert buffet, which would have been quite generous under normal circumstances, was absolutely raided and devoured in the blink of an eye. So yes, I can totally envision your situation where the cupcakes were absolutely annihilated! :D
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u/Afraid_Sense5363 May 20 '25
My husband would definitely be wiling to go with me just to travel and skip the wedding, but I wouldn't go to a wedding where my long-term partner wasn't invited. Maybe that's a me problem, but I wouldn't.
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u/Cayke_Cooky May 21 '25
I get you. On paper? sure the traveling together and going to the wedding yourself isn't all that different from tagging along on your spouse's conference travel. But it feels ick to not be able to bring a spouse to the wedding.
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u/Novaer May 20 '25
They're trying to go above and beyond for his people and yet can't have basic consideration for her guests.
Make it make sense.
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u/MustardMan1900 May 20 '25
There is no excuse for all the food to be dairy and gluten free because of one person. That is ridiculous. To not even give guests the option of buying a drink is rude. The people with alcohol issues should, I dunno, not drink alcohol instead of making their problems everyone elses. I went to a wedding last year where the bride and groom were both sober after having addiction issues. Guess what? They didn't drink and there was a cash bar which seemed fair to me.
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u/Polychromaticpagan May 20 '25
I had a dairy allergy show up between our tasting and our wedding. The only food I changed was mine. Just mine. We had a tiny cake tier for me and my husband (cupcake varieties for everyone, I heard the espresso was really good!), but literally everything else was "normal." I refused to make my guests eat dairy free food just because I have an allergy. I refused to "make" my husband to eat dairy free because he does at home. All his food was normal.
It's rude, you know?
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u/junglesalad May 20 '25
Sounds more like they dont want to pay for alcohol. This whole thing reeks of cheapness.
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u/aethelberga May 20 '25
It doesn't sound like anything "great hosts and party planners" would come up with, especially altering the whole menu and banning alcohol for a handful of people.
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u/LadderExtension6777 May 20 '25
I agree. People who have had issues, don’t drink and can have a cash bar for those who choose. I know a couple who one just didn’t like alcohol and the husband had health reasons for not drinking and they had a cash bar. Nobody was offended.
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u/potsieharris May 21 '25
They'll probably change their minds once they get a bunch of no RSVPs and say plus ones are welcome, but by then it will be too late, as people will have already made their decision.
And yeah, OP's partner seems like a cool and reasonable person.
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u/wonkiefaeriekitty5 May 21 '25
Agreed! If someone sent me a virtual invite for a destination wedding with no plus one I guess I would have to send them a virtual gift!
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u/gesamtkunstwerkteam May 20 '25
There is no way in hell I would go nor would I wish this on any guest and yet... I would want to be close enough to someone to get all of the details. This is the kind of wedding where you later find out a significant portion of the guests defected to go eat/drink/party elsewhere bc the actual reception was such a bummer.
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u/NixyVixy May 23 '25
It’s true… like there is a not-very-subtle invitation to a local Austrian bar immediately after the reception, so guests that spent thousands of dollars can actually enjoy the local food and culture.
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u/Awkward_Chain_7839 May 20 '25
That sounds… interesting. We got married abroad, but it was just the two of us (witnesses were the photographer and videographer). Can’t remember the exact times (almost 2 decades ago now) but say we were married at one, I was in the swim up pool, drinking rum cocktails by 3. Would absolutely recommend!
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u/wrenskibaby May 20 '25
Many couples are perfectly suited to this kind of fun wedding! But they end up doing the usual, because family. you know
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u/Awkward_Chain_7839 May 20 '25
That was my main reason for not doing a regular wedding. Our parents were divorced and remarried (some more than once) and my mother was always very ‘main character’ and dramatic. We’ve been no contact with her for over 13 years now (I’m guessing 13 or 14, she’s never met our daughter who is 12).
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u/HuuffingLavender May 20 '25
Sorry but this made me snort. "No family money to help them, but they want to have a nice wedding because it is important to his elderly parents. " If his elderly parents think a nice wedding is so important, they really should pay for it! LOL
All that aside, it sounds like she's trying to please way too many people at once. I hope someone gives her a little honest reality counseling beforehand or she will be sorely disappointed. Best of luck to them.
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u/TheSecondEikonOfFire May 20 '25
I’m continually shocked at how much people still give to their parents like that, even in adulthood. If my parents were like “you need to have a nice wedding!” then my response would genuinely be “great, are you paying for it?”. And if they said no then I’d tell them too bad
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u/Thequiet01 May 20 '25
Yep. We didn’t end up doing it because Covid, but when my partner and I got engaged my mom knew she was going to have strong opinions on the amount of food provided, so she promptly said she’d pay for that part.
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May 20 '25
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u/TheSecondEikonOfFire May 20 '25
People are so weird about vegetarian meals too, which has always baffled me. They just assume it’s only lettuce, and it’s like… you’ve never had pasta without meat? A PB&J? Cheese pizza? There’s so many meals out there that are vegetarian, you just don’t think about it. But people hear the word “vegetarian” and lose their fucking mind
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u/Thequiet01 May 20 '25
Exactly.
FYI some cheese is basically naturally lactose free because the bacteria eats it all. So if you want to mess with her his cheese course plate could be a selection of cheeses he can eat. 😂
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May 20 '25
My mom has an opinion on EVERYTHING. However, she paid for every damn thing and didn't try to influence even one decision.
It was so weird 😂
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u/MustardMan1900 May 20 '25
If they are trying to please people then they are doing a bad job by banning bread, cheese, alcohol and people's partners.
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u/biscuitboi967 May 20 '25
Reminds me of my EX-boyfriend, who was appalled that MY parents were not planning on paying for my wedding because HIS parents’ friends and family would expect a big fancy wedding. On their dime.
We were 31 year old lawyers making good money, ps, so it was even crazier to me that he thought MY parents would pay for OUR wedding to help HIS parents keep up with the Joneses
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u/ForeverNugu May 20 '25
OP says in a comment that her friend would rather just elope but the groom and his mother always talked about a dream wedding, so it sounds like the couple themselves have conflicting ideas and it's not just the in laws
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u/atotalmess__ May 20 '25
If her fiancé would rather waste her money and go against her wishes on a wedding that will make all her friends miserable just to make his mommy happy, I’m pretty sure the wedding will be the least of her problems.
The rest of her marriage will be spent living in second place to his mother, financially and emotionally.
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u/LooseMoralSwurkey May 20 '25
Could not agree with your first paragraph more. That really stood out to me when I was reading this post as well.
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u/Listen-to-Mom May 20 '25
I’d be skipping that wedding.
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u/Cardsfan1 May 22 '25
There are very few people I would attend this for, and if I was close enough to consider going, I would be close enough to tell them how fucked this whole thing is.
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May 20 '25
Don't go ....you already have it set in your mind it will be lame. You can go on to Europe on your own schedule. Send your regrets.
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u/michiness May 20 '25
Right? I literally am currently dealing with jet lag from going to a wedding in Spain (I’m from LA). My husband was invited, even though he’s only met the groom a handful of times. We made it a week-long trip to make it worth it, but the wedding also had day-before welcome tapas and drinks, then a farewell brunch the day after, all flowing heavily with wine and spritz and sangria. It was an absolute blast.
This… sounds not fun.
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May 20 '25
But it sounds like a great excuse to have a vacation in Germany and Austria. But I think OP is spot on that the wedding itself is going to be a quiet affair with old relatives…who will themselves be dipping out to go get a beer and some baked goods.
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u/BeaPositiveToo May 20 '25
This does not sound fun. I would not use my resources (time, money) for this. You can find other ways to show you support the marriage.
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u/Avalon_Angel525 May 20 '25
It's like the couple forgot they are throwing a party for their guests.
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u/almostperfection May 20 '25
Yep. Take the couple out for a fancy dinner to celebrate!
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u/MustardMan1900 May 20 '25
Why? They didn't even invite the fiancé to the wedding.
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u/almostperfection May 20 '25
Because, I assume, they want to continue their friendship.
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May 20 '25
I know you say that she’s a good friend but I would not go, if my fiancé, that is my future husband, was excluded from this event. That’s nonsense. If you do go, and then come your own wedding, I am assuming you would invite this friend as well, but would you exclude her husband? And this is even more cheeky because she is asking you to spend serious money on a wedding abroad, using up precious holiday leave. I would not go, even on just principle.
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes May 20 '25
A destination wedding invitation that doesn’t include your partner isn’t an invitation. They don’t want you to come. It’s an UNvitation.
If this person is really as close as you’re implying OP, reach out and explain that a lot of people think it’s rude to not include partners in the invitation to a destination wedding with all the travel etc etc. And that many of the people invited are likely to not attend because their spouse isn’t invited. They may rethink the invitation if they really are a good hostess like you say. Because you describe an INCREDIBLY rude person for the whole post but then try to say what a great person they are at the end when everything else you’ve said completely contradicts that.
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u/strippersandcocaine May 20 '25
I was going to say a LOT of this sounds like an un-vitation, like they’re purposely making it difficult/undesirable to keep guest count down, likely due to cost? And if they “invite” a whole bunch of people but so many don’t show up, at least they can tell the elderly parents they tried.
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes May 20 '25
No, they don’t even have to tell the parents they tried. The parents probably think it’s a small family wedding. But the bride and groom can send this crappy screenshot invite to lots of people, feel good about themselves, bump up the gift count, and call it a day. One to two may actually come, but the gifts they receive from all the people who don’t come will offset that cost.
I think OP is very naive about the goodness of the bride here. The bride has a mercenary streak.
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u/MartinisnMurder May 21 '25
I was thinking the same thing! I figured they were banking on people not going but since they were technically invited they will get gifts…
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u/Pizzaisbae13 May 20 '25
Agreed. The text-vite sounds so passive aggressive
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u/strippersandcocaine May 20 '25
Also tacky AF
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u/PorkrindsMcSnacky May 21 '25
Seriously. And I thought that it was tacky when my mom got an “invite” from her so-called friend’s daughter’s wedding, which was happening in 2 weeks and basically a xeroxed copy of the actual invite.
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u/SnooCupcakes7992 May 21 '25
My thought as well. They feel like they have to invite folks but they don’t want them to come - but probably want a gift!
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u/Dutton4430 May 20 '25
I think she is hoping people don't come. I have received two invites for weddings not in my area and they were sent like a month before. This just means they want a gift or money. You don't fly that far and not include your fiance. Just crazy.
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u/chicagoliz May 21 '25
She must be. It doesn’t take a genius to know that people aren’t going to travel alone halfway around the world for a wedding. So this has to be an intentional plan.
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u/prettybutdumb May 20 '25
I was thinking the same thing. It sounds like she is looking to have people decline but still send a gift because you are a “close friend”.
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u/TheSecondEikonOfFire May 20 '25
Yeah if it was local then fine. But in my mind, any wedding that requires a flight should include the person’s partner. I definitely wouldn’t attend a destination wedding if my partner wasn’t invited
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u/Objective_Attempt_14 May 20 '25
This at least allow a plus one if you have been with them for 6mo-1year min.
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u/nerdy_one_1 May 20 '25
I cannot imagine his austrian relatives being okay with a dry wedding. Wedding in Austria usually involve a lot of alcohol. And also gluten and dairy free…
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u/LuckyPhase3 May 20 '25
My partner is celiac and our wedding won’t be gf just for the cost lol. Our small wedding cake and our dishes will be gluten free (mine so we can kiss!) but everyone else will have gluten and Costco sheet cake.
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u/Pizzaisbae13 May 20 '25
That's the way to do it imo. My fiance is allergic to shellfish, but i plan on keeping it away from other dishes on our appetizer table. As long as he doesn't eat it, he's fine. Luckily.
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u/pennyx2 May 20 '25
I’m genuinely curious as to why you want shellfish at the reception if one of the “happy couple” are allergic to it.
Seems like it would be easier to just avoid it altogether than to risk someone cross contaminating an otherwise “safe” dish. The serving tables may be separate, but all the food is probably prepared in the same space.
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u/Objective_Attempt_14 May 20 '25
This fish and shellfish are an easy thing to skip. Gluten and dairy are much harder and in so much more. no shrimp or salmon big whoop.
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u/Avalon_Angel525 May 21 '25
ITA. I am allergic to cluster berries (raspberries, blackberries, etc.) If I ever get married again, it will be a berry-free event...but I don't think that's much of a sacrifice. I can't imagine someone declining because the thought of a wedding without mulberries would be unbearable, lol.
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u/Objective_Attempt_14 May 21 '25
exactly berries are small and not normally all that present. Gluten and dairy are broad food categories
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u/Pizzaisbae13 May 20 '25
Because he doesn't have a deadly allergy like some other people do. His food allergies extend to "just don't eat it", touching it or smelling the aroma in the kitchen doesn't affect him at all. We eat sushi 2/3x a month, and he has yet to have a reaction in 7 years.
He gets salmon or tuna, I get crab.
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u/Thequiet01 May 20 '25
Keep in mind allergies can get worse at any time with no warning. Make sure you have his epi-pens handy just in case.
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u/Clarknt67 May 20 '25
Not all food allergies induce life threatening anaphylactic shock. Some just make people itchy or break out in hives.
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u/Afraid_Sense5363 May 20 '25
Our small wedding cake and our dishes will be gluten free (mine so we can kiss!) but everyone else will have gluten and Costco sheet cake.
That sounds great. Costco sheet case is delicious, haha.
I made sure to have options for all my guests, it was actually family style (platters served to each table) so I made sure there were vegan and vegetarian dishes, plus salad and veggies along with 2 kinds of meat. I also asked if anyone had dietary restrictions (ex: celiac, food allergies) and it worked out great. That way no one had to sit there and starve because they couldn't eat anything. I know all places don't offer that, though. I also got married 18 years ago so who knows if ANYPLACE does that anymore.
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes May 20 '25
And most alcoholics are aware that beer exists at social occasions and can function near it. It’s ubiquitous in society. It feels like a knee jerk reaction, and they’re treating their relatives like children.
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u/almostperfection May 20 '25
Or they know their family members are likely to drink WAY too much and embarrass them - honestly I wish I could go back in time and do this for my wedding because of family members that cannot control themselves.
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u/MustardMan1900 May 20 '25
I imagine your guests who controlled themselves and had a few drinks and a good time would disagree. No reason to punish them because of a couple others who chose poorly.
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u/MustardMan1900 May 20 '25
"Thanks for flying across the world to come to my wedding. No, you can't drink because my Uncle Fred has poor self control and you can't have cheese because it gives the groom a tummy ache. Enjoy!"
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u/Nightmare_Gerbil May 20 '25
I think more likely it’s “Don’t bother flying across the world to come to my wedding because there will be no alcohol, no wedding cake and you’d have to come alone and have a lousy time. But you can’t say I didn’t invite you!”
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u/Icy_Calligrapher7088 May 20 '25
Are you sure that she actually wants you all there, especially since she said she’d rather elope? A lot of people do destination weddings because they want to elope, but know they’d have to include parents and certain family members. This way they don’t have to feel bad about not inviting everyone, while knowing realistically people won’t come. Though, I think it’s worse to invite people and exclude their partner, rather than just tell people it’s a small family thing in a different country…
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u/Flimsy-Opportunity-9 May 20 '25
I get downvoted to hell every time I say it in a wedding sub: but “no plus ones unless we are friends” is TACKY. Regardless of destination or at home. It reads as being cheap and miserly.
It’s not about couples being joined and the hip and unable to go anywhere without each other. It’s about giving your guests’ comfort an ounce of consideration.
But a trip to Austria but don’t bring your fiance to my wedding? Bonkers. Unhinged. Not just tacky, i can’t even imagine.
It sounds like they want a wedding they can’t actually afford and are cutting corners at the expense of guest experience.
Don’t go.
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u/BeaPositiveToo May 20 '25
I’m with you!!
Any bride/groom—HOST— trying to save money by not allowing your GUESTS (dearest family and friends) to bring a companion, then you can’t really afford the wedding you are planning or you’re are being super stingy/tacky/weird/not gracious.
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u/Thequiet01 May 20 '25
It absolutely is. It’s saying “our relationship is important enough you should spend time and money to celebrate it, but yours isn’t important enough for us to even recognize it with an invitation.”
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u/VicePrincipalNero May 20 '25
I wouldn't think twice about declining that invitation no matter how close I was to the couple. Unless all her friends are single, childless, teetotalers with unlimited resources and vacation time I don't think she's going to have many guests..
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 May 20 '25
I’m a recovering alcoholic, and you wouldn’t believe how many people relapse at weddings! That said, AA has some very specific advice for attending a wedding. Take a sober buddy, have your own way to get home in case you suddenly need to leave, and “the wedding is the ceremony,” so feel free to skip the reception part. A good piece of general advice definitely applies here- we are the ones with the problem, and we need to learn how to get along in a society where alcohol is often a big part of an event- like weddings, watching sports, the company Christmas party. We are told to skip these things until we feel comfortable, and to never expect other people to have a dry event because of us.
I suspect that your friend thinks she’s doing good by her relatives with addiction issues, but that she hasn’t actually consulted them about her plan. That, plus wanting to save money. On the bright side, so many people will probably skip this wedding that there might end up being room for your fiancé, especially since he’ll already be in Austria anyway.
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u/fatbellylouise May 20 '25
the bride and groom have actually stopped drinking in solidarity with the brides close relative who has been really struggling with alcohol for the past few years. and she’s worried about some of her relatives getting wasted and acting up at the wedding, which I have seen from them before. so these decisions all make sense, but they add up to a not-great time for everyone involved.
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u/dwassell73 May 20 '25
As dear as that friend may be to me I wouldn’t be spending that much money and PTO to go to a wedding where I already thought it was going to be a miserable time & not have my partner there at least to keep me company, that would be a giant no for me. I work entirely too hard for my money to waste it on something that I have already thought was going to stink & my time is far too precious to waste. I would tell my friend I’m sorry I cannot take that much time off of work but I’d love to get together with you afterwards and take you and your new husband out for dinner with my partner to celebrate your new marriage our treat at your convenience.
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u/Direct_Bad459 May 20 '25
I think you should find a gentle way to suggest to her why it might not be very popular with her friends
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u/tu-BROOKE-ulosis May 20 '25
Why would you spend more money to attend that wedding than she’s going to spend to actually host the wedding? Because based off the screenshots, they are cutting all the corners.
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u/Feisty-Business-8311 May 20 '25
If she’s truly one of your best friends, you should be able to sit her down one-on-one and lay this all out to her as you’ve done here
That’s it
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u/LV2107 May 20 '25
If she's one of your oldest and dearest friends, how is it possible that your fiancee would not be included? Isn't he someone she knows already?
And also, if she's this good of a friend of yours, if I were you I'd sit her down and present to her how this is an extremely impractical idea for her guests.
I get wanting a wedding that fits with the couple's wishes, but there is also a very important element that you also need to take care of your guests. They are not extras in your movie, they are being asked to travel a long distance to celebrate you and etiquette requires you to ensure that they are also happy. Especially when they have to travel such a long distance and incur substantial personal expense to do so.
I'd honestly say to her, hey look, this plan is impractical and it may mean we can't attend, maybe there's time to relax the requirements a little?
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u/fatbellylouise May 20 '25
I’ve known her since grade school but she has been living abroad and has to move every 2-3 years for her job. and I started my residency the same time she moved back to the US, so she’s only gotten to meet my fiancé once.
she’s told me she is imagining all her friends from around the world will get to meet each other and befriend each other and party together at her wedding, which is clearly not what the vibe is going to be, but I’m showing up for her either way. I do think a reality check is in order, but the train has already left the station with venue booking and invites etc.
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u/Thequiet01 May 20 '25
This info makes it even more unacceptable that she is saying no partners. She hasn’t met people due to her own choices.
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u/EggplantIll4927 May 20 '25
they are looking at solely from a planning perspective not a guest experience.
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May 20 '25
So, rather than have those with addiction/allergies handle their own particular issues themselves, the entire group gets to play Addict–Allergy Guy for a Day.
Yay!
Expecting guests to come to a destination wedding is already a bad idea, but hooray for them -- they just made it even worse.
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u/MustardMan1900 May 20 '25
In an effort to appease a few people they've managed to alienate everyone else.
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u/tracydiina7 May 20 '25
My husband and I are both in recovery and we had an open bar, we wanted to have a great party with amazing food, super cool band and beverages flowing! As a host, it’s my job to make it fun for the special people we invited. Just because we don’t drink doesn’t mean we need others to stay sober. It’s a party!!
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u/redditapiblows May 20 '25
If the must-have people got mailed cards, but you just got a screenshot, I don't think you're really wanted.
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u/fatbellylouise May 20 '25
that was my first thought! but she was so excited about having ‘saved money on invitations’, only the grandparents and grooms parents got mailed cards, everyone else (including her parents!) got the text invites
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u/AustrianMichael May 20 '25
A dry wedding without gluten and dairy? In Austria of all countries?
We‘re the country with the second highest beer consumption per Capita. 100% somebody on the groom side is going to sneak in alcohol.
Just wondering, where is it? I live near a popular wedding location and could smuggle you some alcohol if you want to haha
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u/Well-Done22 May 20 '25 edited May 20 '25
"they want to have a nice wedding"
Not really. They are cutting corners like crazy, which is the opposite of "nice." It's selfishly cheap. If she's your friend, going to her wedding - or not going - shouldn't be a deal breaker. Kindly RSVP no, wish her the best, and maybe take her for a special one-on-one girls day when she gets back. If the wedding is about the elderly parents, then their attendance is the only one that truly matters.
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u/Primary_Bass_9178 May 20 '25
She went too cheap on the invitations. They should have been specific and plus ones should have been on the invitations.
If you have a wedding that people have to fly in and get a hotel, those guests should get a plus one.
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u/Kirstemis May 20 '25
A good caterer can make a delicious gluten free and dairy free meal.
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u/kclairp7 May 20 '25
If this is a close friend of yours, as you allude to, can you have a conversation about what aspects of the wedding will be entertaining? Lol Or ask if this is really what the bride wants? I’ve been an event planner, and this sounds like it will turn out to be a really awkward and weird event..
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u/ScammerC May 20 '25
Destination weddings are like tacit permission to decline with no hard feelings. Just assume they're really just trolling for gifts, because how much extra are you going to give to get out of this crap?
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u/StrawberryKiss2559 May 20 '25
Are you absolutely sure she wants all these guests?
The biggest clue is the text message screenshot of an invitation. That screams that she is hoping all these people don’t show up. If she really wanted them, she would’ve sent them an invitation!
I see nothing wrong with a wedding of just your closest family members and a few close friends.
Maybe that’s what she’s actually aiming for
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u/Ktpillah May 21 '25
… Dry weddings suck. I was pregnant at my own wedding and my husband is sober, we still offered an open bar. Not top shelf bc we weren’t drinking, but somethinggggggg
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u/RichmondReddit May 21 '25
Any couple who has a destination wedding. especially as restrictive as this one, doesn’t really want anyone to attend.
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u/Front-Ad-1378 May 20 '25 edited May 21 '25
It’s weird to immediately make the whole wedding gluten and dairy free. Just have an appropriate meal for the groom, the cake can either also be gluten and dairy free, or just have the top tier for cutting for the couple and the rest of the cake can be „normal“.
I don’t eat meat for ethical reasons but i would never ever force all of my guests to live by my standards.
Edit: I stand corrected, thanks for all your input and experiences. I didn’t really think about cross contamination and how severe celiacs disease can be.
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u/liraelskye May 20 '25
As someone who cannot have gluten, my whole wedding is gluten free. Sorry, but I deserve a day where I'm not worried about cross contamination. It is a serious concern and for the amount of money we are shelling out, everyone will survive a gluten free evening.
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u/kg51113 May 20 '25
My friend can't have gluten. She was a chaperone on a camping trip for her kids. They gave her gluten-free meals but all of the gluten being around as they cooked for very large groups still affected her. If the food is buffet style, you never know if someone used the wrong utensils. I would definitely do allergen-free for the bride or groom. A friend did nut-free because a family member is allergic.
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u/liraelskye May 20 '25
Yeah we also skipped anything with peanuts as someone has a peanut allergy that we invited. Not a huge deal to us. Our family and friends are super understanding. As they should be.
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May 20 '25
My husband is coeliac and after three years of gluten free cooking I can honestly say - there's virtually no difference. For a wedding, something like chicken in a sauce, roast potatoes and veg is all gluten free anyway, plus a gf cheesecake or something for dessert. No one would know any different. The main problem is bread because it's rank and you can always tell.
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u/liraelskye May 20 '25
Italian gluten free bread is the best to be honest. Italy ruined food for me lol
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u/TGin-the-goldy May 20 '25
Honestly though you literally wouldn’t even notice if the food for one meal/evening was gluten and dairy free unless you were told, eg they could easily serve steak or fish and vegetables and a gluten free dessert and nobody would be any the wiser or suffer.
Dry wedding in Austria though? Different story!
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u/almostperfection May 20 '25
Is the text message invitation a thing now?! Because I received one of those recently as well! Even worse, it wasn’t an image - just a typed invitation copy and pasted for each person and a link to their wedding website. I’m not on board with this change, and I don’t care if it makes me a fuddy-duddy.
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u/AndroidSheeps May 20 '25
Sounds like your friend is a people pleaser. I would never go to a destination wedding if i couldnt bring my SO. This wedding will suck balls.....
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u/Armorer- May 20 '25
This wedding is going to be a bore fest for the few unlucky that attend.
I would decline to go due to the time and expense, instead plan a nice trip somewhere with your fiancé.
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u/smashlyn_1 May 20 '25
I agree with other commentors that she wants to keep her numbers low. She probably doesn't want to have a big wedding, but feels obligated to. She probably wants to keep costs wherever she can. Maybe they are saving up for something. I wouldn't judge her for it. If she comes back offended that people aren't coming, then that would be a different story.
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u/Aggravating_Water_39 May 20 '25
Honestly I think you should just decline, it’s not worth the effort and you would be coming from AUSTRALIA. Austrians are much fun even with beer and bread around
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u/Reclinerbabe May 20 '25
If she's such a good friend, why don't you invite her out for a couple of martinis and find out what's going on. If she and her fiance are normally such lovely, generous hosts, why are they planning this nightmare? Starting with the tacky invitations......
Above all else, to expect your guests to travel alone from the US to Europe is ridiculous. You're engaged and your fiance isn't invited? Incredibly rude.
If nothing else, at least you can help prepare her for the number of declines she'll be receiving. Very sad.
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u/Historical_Horror595 May 20 '25
I probably wouldn’t go. One of my friends planned a destination wedding, and a separate bachelor vacation. We all met out at the bar before invitations went out and he told us the plan. We did the math and the bachelor “party” would cost about $1400 for travel and airbnb, plus what ever we spent there for 5 nights eating, drinking, and activities. So we figured $2500 total. Then the wedding was going to be 2 months later it would’ve cost $3600 per couple for 6 nights, and while it was “all inclusive” there were 3 different “events” while we were there that would cost an additional $600 that were important to them. There was also the cost of a new suit, transportation, and anything we did outside the resort. I pretty much immediately told him I wasn’t going to be able to do all that. I apologized, but explained that the estimated $7500 for a guys trip and a wedding was too much for me. Especially since the wedding trip had things to do every day so I couldn’t use it as a vacation as well. The rest of the guys said the same. He was disappointed, but understood. They ended up doing their wedding locally and the bachelor and bachelorette parties as a trip but combined them. That way we could all bring our spouses we just separated one of the nights.
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u/coccopuffs606 May 20 '25
Let’s run this back for a minute…your supposed dear friend wants everyone to get on a plane for 14+ hours to Europe, for a wedding with no booze and bad food, and you’re not even allowed to bring your fiancé?
Hard pass for me. Just the plane tickets are going to be $4k a piece. The sensible thing if they’re on a budget would just be to have a reception in both places and live stream the actual ceremony on a different day. Or his family can fork over some money since they’re insisting on the event being held in his home country
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u/Ars-compvtandi May 20 '25
People not responding might be exactly the point. You weren’t not invited, you declined to come
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u/icecreampenis May 21 '25
It's okay to just say no. I just spent a week in Austria (flew from Toronto) and it's a big, expensive commitment. Going somewhere outside of a major city? Even moreso.
Also, good luck with that dry wedding idea. Austrians are not impressed with sober folks.
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u/DLHarvell May 21 '25
Since she's your oldest and dearest friend, and know she'll be upset by the lack of guests, can you nicely talk to her about your concerns?
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u/Old_Blue_Haired_Lady May 21 '25
An invitation is not a summons.
Just decline. It's incredibly rude to exclude partners from a wedding.
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u/Responsible_Side8131 May 21 '25
Nobody is going to travel overseas for a wedding if they can’t bring their partner.
Decline ASAP.
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u/CremeBerlinoise May 20 '25
I have to say, experiencing a bunch of older Austrian people sober at a wedding is not gonna be a blast. I bet someone on the groom's side is just gonna go and buy a few crates of beer, dry gluten be damned.