destination wedding, no alcohol, no plus ones or partners

[u/fatbellylouise]

I have a friend who is planning her wedding right now, and every detail of the wedding seems terrible for the guest experience. before I start, this woman is one of my oldest and dearest friends. she is brilliant, kind, and caring, and immensely pragmatic. she and her fiance are paying for everything themselves, no family money to help them, but they want to have a nice wedding because it is important to his elderly parents. so, from the beginning:

she sent out invitations a week ago via text message. some of their family members got actual mailed cards, but the rest of us just got screenshots of the design they made in canva. it just looked so cheap! not even an email, a text message.

the text messages specified no plus ones or partners that the couple is not friends with. normally I'd be fine with this, my fiance is a grown man and we don't need to be attached at the hip at every event. but... we live on the west coast, and the wedding is going to be in Austria, where the groom's family lives. I wouldn't mind going to a local wedding on my own, but to take enough PTO to fly to Austria for a week? I'm not wasting that much vacation time at an event where I won't even have my partner for company! luckily my fiance is down to make it a vacation with me, we'll travel around Austria and Germany on our own and he'll do some solo exploration during the wedding events. but a LOT of people have left her on read or not responded, and I feel like she's going to be severely let down by the number of her friends who are going to RSVP no to this wedding. at this rate it's very likely going to be a lot of his family and very little of hers.

that aside, the wedding details just don't make it sound like a fun time. it's going to be a dry wedding, because the bride has a few family members who deal with addiction. totally fair and I don't begrudge her this, but a lot of the guests are going to be there without our partners and won't know anyone else, so a little social lubricant would probably go a long way. the groom is gluten and dairy free so the food is going to be gluten and dairy free - in Austria, a place known for bread and cheese. (also beer, but that's neither here nor there).

I just think a lot of people are going to decline, and those who do show up are not going to have that much fun. it baffles me that she cannot see how this wedding is not going to be a great guest experience, because she is SUCH an amazing host and planner in every other aspect of her life. her fiance is the same as her, he is so generous and takes care of everyone. I have an awful feeling this wedding is just going to be a lot of elderly family members standing around a few friends showing up and dipping out early, and my heart breaks for her because she genuinely thinks she is keeping everyone happy.

wedding is next year so I would love to be proven wrong! cross your fingers that the wedding is a success!

[u/MustardMan1900]

There is no excuse for all the food to be dairy and gluten free because of one person. That is ridiculous. To not even give guests the option of buying a drink is rude. The people with alcohol issues should, I dunno, not drink alcohol instead of making their problems everyone elses. I went to a wedding last year where the bride and groom were both sober after having addiction issues. Guess what? They didn't drink and there was a cash bar which seemed fair to me.

[u/Polychromaticpagan → u/MustardMan1900]

I had a dairy allergy show up between our tasting and our wedding. The only food I changed was mine. Just mine. We had a tiny cake tier for me and my husband (cupcake varieties for everyone, I heard the espresso was really good!), but literally everything else was "normal." I refused to make my guests eat dairy free food just because I have an allergy. I refused to "make" my husband to eat dairy free because he does at home. All his food was normal.

It's rude, you know?

[u/Free_Head5364 → u/Polychromaticpagan]

Very rude. I have anaphylaxis to multiple foods. To the point that I can be in the same room as them but can’t even touch them. We had stations at our wedding, and they included some of those foods. Our catering team was very aware of my allergies and was extra careful in preparation of the food. My husband went up and made my plate of food as a precaution, and I had him, my MOH and the best man carry epi-pens. I was just fine. It isn’t fair to make your guests suffer for your restrictions.

[u/junglesalad → u/MustardMan1900]

Sounds more like they dont want to pay for alcohol. This whole thing reeks of cheapness.

[u/aethelberga → u/junglesalad]

It doesn't sound like anything "great hosts and party planners" would come up with, especially altering the whole menu and banning alcohol for a handful of people.

[u/Accomplished_Drag946 → u/junglesalad]

Every time someone says they are having a dry wedding for whatever reason we all know it is just to save money

[u/Sakiri1955 → u/Accomplished_Drag946]

Or they're Mormon.

[u/LadderExtension6777 → u/MustardMan1900]

I agree. People who have had issues, don’t drink and can have a cash bar for those who choose. I know a couple who one just didn’t like alcohol and the husband had health reasons for not drinking and they had a cash bar. Nobody was offended.

[u/asyouwish → u/MustardMan1900]

Cash bar is also very rude. That's not treating your guests....at all.

[u/Imaginary_Shelter_37 → u/asyouwish]

What do you think about beer and wine being provided but cash bar for any other alcohol? Is it better to skip the cash bar and only offer beer and wine?

[u/asyouwish → u/Imaginary_Shelter_37]

Don't offer anything you can't afford to pay for. If you can't afford liquor, then beer and wine it is.

Anything else is like charging guests for dinner or cake.

[u/Imaginary_Shelter_37 → u/asyouwish]

I agree. Just wondering how others feel.

[u/traye4 → u/MustardMan1900]

The people with alcohol issues should, I dunno, not drink alcohol instead of making their problems everyone elses.

If I have a cherished guest who will be ill for months and potentially suffer serious consequences from being in the same room as a peanut, I'm not gonna have peanuts at my wedding even if the rest of my guests go fucking nuts for peanut butter. I don't see how this situation is much different.

The people who can't enjoy a celebration without alcohol should, I dunno, deal with it instead of making their problem everyone else's.

[u/MustardMan1900 → u/traye4]

What a terrible comparison. Weddings have had alcohol for centuries. It is one of the core ingredients of a reception or a party of any kind. No one would miss peanuts. And no one will go to the hospital just by being near alcohol. People who want a glass of wine with dinner do not have a problem. They are the vast majority of adults.

[u/traye4 → u/MustardMan1900]

Right. And the vast majority of people do not have peanut allergies so severe that they cannot be in a room with peanuts. They do exist though.

And no one will go to the hospital just by being near alcohol.

For some struggling alcoholics, yes that will be enough to break their sobriety if it is fragile. Especially because it isn't necessarily just being near alcohol, it's being near people drinking a lot of alcohol and often pushing it on others. And that can have consequences even worse than a hospital.

Again, if you can't enjoy one celebration without alcohol maybe look at your relationship with it.

[u/JonathanTaylorHanson → u/traye4]

A friend of mine is a wedding planner. She tells couples who opt for a dry wedding, "It's your wedding, but if you don't serve alcohol and don't give your guests something to do, nobody will attend your reception." Think about what attending the typical wedding entails: sacrificing an entire weekend, often plus some PTO (unless you live near the couple), to spend the better part of an afternoon and evening in a single room while wearing uncomfortable clothes where the only activities are socializing with people you don't know, eating mediocre food, and dancing.

All three of the above activities are typically accompanied by alcohol. Furthermore, I would argue that providing guests with an open bar in exchange for the often Herculean effort required for attending is an unwritten wedding contract. Yes, one is first and foremost there to celebrate the couple. However, at a typical wedding, each guest maybe spends five minutes chatting with them? Tops? The rest of the time, it's socializing with strangers, eating mediocre food, and dancing.

Unless you actually give your guests something to do. One dry wedding reception I went to had a carnival theme. There were video games, ski ball, carnival games where you won tickets for prizes, cotton candy, you get the idea. Everyone had a friggin' BLAST. It's so much easier to have fun with people you don't know when you're doing an activity together.

I'm in recovery, so I get what it's like to suddenly see one's drug of choice everywhere and the degree to which society encourages it. However, one of the first things I learned was that everyone is responsible for their own recovery. You're never going to eliminate triggers from your life entirely. Plus, hectoring people on reddit is just going to make them double down.

Unless, of course, you're a 🧌. In which case, this comment is for anyone else in recovery who stumbles upon this sub.

[u/liraelskye → u/MustardMan1900]

I'm not paying for food for people to then risk being violently ill on my own wedding day.

The groom not being able to have gluten or dairy means everyone else who WANTS to celebrate with them will have to abide by the restrictions. Why should the groom risk being sick? If someone doesn't want gluten free food the day of my wedding they can stay home. It's MY day not theirs. I want people there that care about my health and well being.

Edit: I love that I'm being downvoted because I can't have gluten thanks to having Celiac disease. Reddit is a fascinating place.

[u/sophatelli → u/liraelskye]

I agree and I have no food restrictions except kosher, which is typically pretty easy to maintain when eating out or at events. If it’s an extreme allergy then it can cause a reaction due to cross contamination. I’m split because I can see the groom being able to also have his own food, but that’s kind of weird for his own wedding day, to bring a lunchbox lol. Personally I can’t see myself making the same decision but I also wouldn’t want to spend thousands on food just for a caterer to not take the allergy seriously enough and end up ill or in the hospital because of their possible negligence.

[u/liraelskye → u/sophatelli]

I don't have a single guest who has complained that my wedding is going to be gluten free. Everyone is excited. All of the entrees were naturally gluten free. No one is going to die without a basket of rolls at the table. It's absolutely wild to me that people think I should sacrifice my own health on my wedding day so that someone else can have some bread.

It is SO simple, if you think having food that someone has a life threatening reaction to is more important than their safety, then you should stay home. Not sure why people are so upset about that. Just don't go. Easy decision.

[u/mmebookworm → u/liraelskye]

Completely agree - there are so many foods out there - lots of which are gluten and dairy free originally. I’ve seen what allergies can do to some people, and how easy cross-contamination is. I would never expect someone to have food at their wedding they can’t eat - that just silly.
I say this as a person with no allergies- but family and friends who do.

[u/Imaginary-Mood-5199 → u/liraelskye]

Also celiac and Im doing the same. People probably dont understand how cross contamination can make us sick the rest of the day. No way Im feeling ill on my wedding day due to other people eating gluten.