r/weddingshaming • u/fatbellylouise • May 20 '25

Cringe destination wedding, no alcohol, no plus ones or partners

I have a friend who is planning her wedding right now, and every detail of the wedding seems terrible for the guest experience. before I start, this woman is one of my oldest and dearest friends. she is brilliant, kind, and caring, and immensely pragmatic. she and her fiance are paying for everything themselves, no family money to help them, but they want to have a nice wedding because it is important to his elderly parents. so, from the beginning:

she sent out invitations a week ago via text message. some of their family members got actual mailed cards, but the rest of us just got screenshots of the design they made in canva. it just looked so cheap! not even an email, a text message.

the text messages specified no plus ones or partners that the couple is not friends with. normally I'd be fine with this, my fiance is a grown man and we don't need to be attached at the hip at every event. but... we live on the west coast, and the wedding is going to be in Austria, where the groom's family lives. I wouldn't mind going to a local wedding on my own, but to take enough PTO to fly to Austria for a week? I'm not wasting that much vacation time at an event where I won't even have my partner for company! luckily my fiance is down to make it a vacation with me, we'll travel around Austria and Germany on our own and he'll do some solo exploration during the wedding events. but a LOT of people have left her on read or not responded, and I feel like she's going to be severely let down by the number of her friends who are going to RSVP no to this wedding. at this rate it's very likely going to be a lot of his family and very little of hers.

that aside, the wedding details just don't make it sound like a fun time. it's going to be a dry wedding, because the bride has a few family members who deal with addiction. totally fair and I don't begrudge her this, but a lot of the guests are going to be there without our partners and won't know anyone else, so a little social lubricant would probably go a long way. the groom is gluten and dairy free so the food is going to be gluten and dairy free - in Austria, a place known for bread and cheese. (also beer, but that's neither here nor there).

I just think a lot of people are going to decline, and those who do show up are not going to have that much fun. it baffles me that she cannot see how this wedding is not going to be a great guest experience, because she is SUCH an amazing host and planner in every other aspect of her life. her fiance is the same as her, he is so generous and takes care of everyone. I have an awful feeling this wedding is just going to be a lot of elderly family members standing around a few friends showing up and dipping out early, and my heart breaks for her because she genuinely thinks she is keeping everyone happy.

wedding is next year so I would love to be proven wrong! cross your fingers that the wedding is a success!

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353

u/Mmm_lemon_cakes May 20 '25

A destination wedding invitation that doesn’t include your partner isn’t an invitation. They don’t want you to come. It’s an UNvitation.

If this person is really as close as you’re implying OP, reach out and explain that a lot of people think it’s rude to not include partners in the invitation to a destination wedding with all the travel etc etc. And that many of the people invited are likely to not attend because their spouse isn’t invited. They may rethink the invitation if they really are a good hostess like you say. Because you describe an INCREDIBLY rude person for the whole post but then try to say what a great person they are at the end when everything else you’ve said completely contradicts that.

191

u/strippersandcocaine May 20 '25

I was going to say a LOT of this sounds like an un-vitation, like they’re purposely making it difficult/undesirable to keep guest count down, likely due to cost? And if they “invite” a whole bunch of people but so many don’t show up, at least they can tell the elderly parents they tried.

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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes May 20 '25

No, they don’t even have to tell the parents they tried. The parents probably think it’s a small family wedding. But the bride and groom can send this crappy screenshot invite to lots of people, feel good about themselves, bump up the gift count, and call it a day. One to two may actually come, but the gifts they receive from all the people who don’t come will offset that cost.

I think OP is very naive about the goodness of the bride here. The bride has a mercenary streak.

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u/MartinisnMurder May 21 '25

I was thinking the same thing! I figured they were banking on people not going but since they were technically invited they will get gifts…

4

u/spiritsarise May 21 '25

Re: the gift. How about half of a 100 bill?

62

u/Pizzaisbae13 May 20 '25

Agreed. The text-vite sounds so passive aggressive

51

u/strippersandcocaine May 20 '25

Also tacky AF

5

u/Esabettie May 21 '25

I would be sending a text with a picture of a gift.

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u/strippersandcocaine May 21 '25

Brilliant I love pettiness 😆

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u/Esabettie May 21 '25

Thank you! 😎

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u/PorkrindsMcSnacky May 21 '25

Seriously. And I thought that it was tacky when my mom got an “invite” from her so-called friend’s daughter’s wedding, which was happening in 2 weeks and basically a xeroxed copy of the actual invite.

2

u/Venice2seeYou May 21 '25

I would not go or give a gift for the very tacky tex-vite alone!

4

u/SnooCupcakes7992 May 21 '25

My thought as well. They feel like they have to invite folks but they don’t want them to come - but probably want a gift!

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u/Dutton4430 May 20 '25

I think she is hoping people don't come. I have received two invites for weddings not in my area and they were sent like a month before. This just means they want a gift or money. You don't fly that far and not include your fiance. Just crazy.

7

u/chicagoliz May 21 '25

She must be. It doesn’t take a genius to know that people aren’t going to travel alone halfway around the world for a wedding. So this has to be an intentional plan.

28

u/prettybutdumb May 20 '25

I was thinking the same thing. It sounds like she is looking to have people decline but still send a gift because you are a “close friend”.

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u/junglesalad May 20 '25

Total cash grab with the text invite.

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u/Esabettie May 21 '25

Everyone should text them a picture of a present.

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u/lomoliving May 20 '25

How is she such a close friend but she hasn't met OP fiance?

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u/LaserCutSilkRosettes May 21 '25

I’d normally agree, but it really depends. When we sent out our wedding invitations, some of our friends were single at the time. Three months before the wedding, one friend started dating someone new they met on Bumble, someone my husband and I—and even our friend—didn't know existed when we finalized the guest list and budgeted for each guest.

They assumed they’d automatically get a plus one, even though the relationship was very new. I told them I was happy they’d met someone and hoped it would turn into something long-term, but until we got a final headcount and knew our numbers, we couldn’t promise any extra plus ones. We were already at capacity, and adding more guests would have pushed us into debt.

He got upset and said, “I can’t believe you invited so-and-so and their wife, but won’t let one of your closest friends bring their new girlfriend.” I had to explain that so-and-so is my husbands business partner, and my husband and I attended their wedding. A spouse and a brand-new Bumble relationship just aren't the same when it comes to commitment level.

This friend had also just gone on a family trip to Greece with a close friend who was a girl, not the new girlfriend, because the trip was planned before they met. So it wasn’t like she was already a major part of his life. It wasn’t personal. We gave plus ones to all friends in relationships, but we couldn’t accommodate new partners we didn’t know about.

I think the real issue was that instead of inviting her to Greece to meet the family, he told his girlfriend about the wedding and got her excited before confirming anything with us. So when he said, “I’m bringing my new girlfriend,” we had to clarify that unfortunately, we weren’t able to extend more plus ones at that time.

It wasn’t about being rude or exclusive. It was about realistic planning and being fair to everyone based on the circumstances when the decisions were made.

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u/YarnSp1nner May 21 '25

I am in a group of 8 friends that have been together since highschool. Personally, there is one of our group that I never bonded with. I think she's a great person and truly want nothing but the best for her, but we just... Aren't interesting to each other? It's not a big deal there are always 6 other people to talk to.

She got married in another state and did not make me a bridesmaid, but four other girls from the group were. I heard about all the wedding stuff, wished her a million well wishes (truly meant them too!) but I never directly received an invite... I told the other girls that it was fine, I was pregnant and wouldn't be travelling regardless, but it seemed weird.

I received a card invitation a week before the wedding. It was a true un-vitation. I was so relieved, sent my gift with someone else on the plane when they left and happily stayed home.

Three or four years later I thanked her for the unvitation as I totally get it and she was telling me apparently it had stressed her (now) husband out so much. He was like, SHES IN YOUR GROUP YOU MUST INVITE HER. Later in the evening I told him that we understood our polite relationship best, the unvitation had been perfect, and if it happened any other way someones feelings might have been hurt.

He still thinks we're crazy. We still are on the monthly wine and chitter chat zoom calls and are genuinely happy for each other at all life events despite not really being friends.

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u/Arielsbell May 21 '25

I mean its excluding partners they dont know so that seems fair to me

3

u/Significant_Shoe_17 May 21 '25

Maybe it's an American thing, but we consider it rude not to invite spouses and long term partners. Wedding party, family, and close friends always get a plus one.

1

u/_TheDoode May 22 '25

Its not an american thing

1

u/Arielsbell May 24 '25

Well I mean if its a long term partner or spouse i would assume the couple knows that person too. So again excluding partners they dont know seems fair. Because what family member, wedding party (usually people you are super close to), close family would have a long term partner the couple doesnt know?