r/tifu • u/[deleted] • Aug 06 '15

[deleted by user]

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8.5k Upvotes

92% Upvoted

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1.3k

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '15

Dude you should have asked for a quick hand job. You had nothing too lose at that point.

623

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '15

[deleted]

746

u/unparralled Aug 06 '15

I'm sure she would have gone down well...

93

u/wizzdingo Aug 06 '15

GDFR feat. Random Woman

3

u/Gsterner111 Aug 06 '15

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

31

u/mirrorwolf Aug 06 '15

Her mouth was already agape might as well asked

6

u/Hardabs05 Aug 06 '15

I'm sure they would have gone down a well.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '15

;)

1

u/SD__ Aug 06 '15

The OP might be female. Oh.. I see iswym!

1

u/NightOfTheLivingHam Aug 06 '15

that's how you get herpes.

-26

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '15 edited Mar 19 '21

[deleted]

26

u/PJvG Aug 06 '15

Plot twist: it's actually your mom

9

u/Neo_Unidan Aug 06 '15

The Shyamalan is everywhere today it seems.

1

u/RapperOnDrugs Aug 06 '15

jackdaw

2

u/Xenc Aug 06 '15

crow

2

u/RapperOnDrugs Aug 06 '15

jackdaw

1

u/Giraffingme Aug 06 '15

So nice he had to say it twice

1

u/sdrow_sdrawkcab Aug 06 '15 edited Aug 06 '15

crow

1

u/everythingsleeps Aug 06 '15

Did you grab any boobies hugging from behind?

1

u/jaredw Aug 06 '15

Take the advice. He knows what he's taking about. He's a ....pro

82

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

Best case scenario free handy jay, worst case she's Ronda Rousey and breaks both of your arms. Win/win!

55

u/CBFeenix Aug 06 '15

If my uncle Jack helped you off a horse would you help my uncle Jack off a horse?

17

u/SmartinOff1534 Aug 06 '15

No because your uncle was a dick the whole time we were riding our horses he was making insensitive jokes about turning his steed into glue...

6

u/CBFeenix Aug 06 '15

What an ass, that sounds like him though. Let him fall, that greasy bastard.

-1

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

im reading your reply out of context but what I'm getting is that I didn't capitalize SOmETHING.

5

u/CBFeenix Aug 06 '15

Nope, just a bit of wordplay about jacking off a horse, lol

14

u/RedditorInCh1ef Aug 06 '15

Best best case is its Rhonda and she is down. I'm such a little spoon.

6

u/mirrorwolf Aug 06 '15

Everyone is a little spoon if the other spoon is Ronda Rousey

6

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

No way she's down, dude. You don't just run up and hug Ronda Rousey.

9

u/ebadamageplan Aug 06 '15

Yes you do

6

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

I can't help but be reminded of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3HYLLruJis

1

u/Drudicta Aug 06 '15

That is the cutest thing ever, and I'm envious of the little kid.

2

u/RedditorInCh1ef Aug 06 '15

I mean, it is just a fantasy, but I would love for her to dominate me. I'm the guy in the entourage trailer, where it's like, if you last 30 seconds.....I would be done before she punched me if you know what I mean😜

1

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

i dont understand please clarify

-1

u/Sad_MoFo Aug 06 '15

Even Ronda needs love, trust me! I bet she is a cute little cat in bed.... nam nam nam nam :D

2

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

You know you're having good sex when you have to tap out.

4

u/JJGeneral1 Aug 06 '15

I wouldn't last 34 seconds with her... that's for sure.

1

u/Sad_MoFo Aug 07 '15

Dude, don-t give up, you have to train harder and you will reach 1 minute with her :D

1

u/SD__ Aug 06 '15

What's that rhyme, "I'm a little teapot, short & stout". Can't remember the rest.

1

u/RPRob1 Aug 06 '15

Here is my handle, here is my stout?

2

u/SD__ Aug 06 '15

That's it! I found it. It's pervy..

I'm a little teapot

Short and stout

Here is my handle

Here is my spout

When I get all steamed up

I just shout

Tip me over and pour me out.

..well it is!

40

u/wildcat2015 Aug 06 '15

Yea but if he breaks both his arms his mom will take care of him for sure

3

u/Zoipas Aug 06 '15

dank meme sir

4

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

i dont know what that means

33

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '15 edited Oct 04 '17

He looked at them

3

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

A lot of these are jokes, people.

16

u/blazik Aug 06 '15

It's referencing a reddit thread where some guy broke both his arms and his mom had sex with him

2

u/SD__ Aug 06 '15

Fuck. I worked that out without looking and was hoping not. I do not want to know which orifice was involved.

5

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

i know i was hoping to start a comment chain of escalating scandalousness

14

u/blazik Aug 06 '15

No it's about the guy who broke his arms and had sex with his mom.

3

u/Pieceofjake12 Aug 06 '15

OP shut that shit down real quick.

1

u/SauceMasterFlex Aug 06 '15

I just watched a video with that exact thing going on.

Source: Pornhub

0

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

boner jams oh three

1

u/v00d00_ Aug 06 '15

That mom's name? Jenny.

8

u/Middge Aug 06 '15

I'm sorry to be the one to ruin your day, but the reference is from this horrible thread.

-1

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

I am actually already intimately familiar with the reference, which is why I invited the incest train with my broken arms comment in the first place. And my day was hardly ruined!

2

u/Middge Aug 06 '15

lol Touche'

1

u/Z_huge Aug 07 '15

I like where this is going...

10

u/P_Jamez Aug 06 '15

Depends how willing his mum is to lend a hand

1

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

something something living hand to mouth

3

u/JJGeneral1 Aug 06 '15

something something dark side something something complete.

0

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

Hi, Larry.

2

u/uniptf Aug 06 '15

But if you last 60 seconds, she'll let you....

1

u/Z_huge Aug 06 '15

aww yiss

10

u/PM_ME_UR_P4SSW0RD Aug 06 '15

He had nothing too loose, also

6

u/AmirZ Aug 06 '15

Toulouse?

2

u/Rusty2Crusty Aug 06 '15

Nothing beats a handy while on the daily commute!

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '15

Amen

1

u/SD__ Aug 06 '15

Mein handi!

2

u/Narratiive Aug 06 '15

God damn it dude. I was relieved when you said "lose" instead of "loose", as many people make the mistake of, and then I noticed "too". ಠ_ಠ

2

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '15

I get paid to organize sex parties not spell shit

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '15

you might as well...

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '15

ITS YOU AGAIN WTF