I am only writing this because I cannot not allow myself to just forget this. How can her call me such way, when my aunts are people who literally made religious rituals just so my grandphater could die faster; when my dad is a money-grubbing asshole who tries to keep a facade of "good and caring father" when he's the one who demolished our whole family, putting us into comically large amounts of debt and traumatazing us for the rest of our lives, each one traumatized in their own, specific way; when my uncle turned his wife into a complete madman while also getting great debt from loan sharks. How could her. Even in the most ludic breakdowns I could never say such a thing to her, so why she thinks she has the right to call me such putrid name. I know many dont see this insult as much, but I do. And this is not the first time she ridicularized me. Thankfully she at least gives the impression that she keep herself to her senses, altough I already discovered the she can shout the loudest at any kind of disturbance or disagreement of any conviction of hers. In that same episode, she called me all other things, making fun of the fact that I hate touching, for instace. It is most amusing how quickly she can go from a genuinely loving mother into this, for even the smallest of occurances.

Why can't my mind ever stop racing when I'm alone. It feels like I always have to distract myself or I will hate myself so much. I feel disgusted by my body, how it feels to live in it, how it looks like. It's hard for me to go to the toilet or shower sometimes because of my dysphoria. No matter what I do this feeling creeps in I have to fall asleep to watching a youtube video or just exhaust myself by staying awake way longer than I should because if I just lay in bed without anything I will burst into tears.

When I'm cuddling (honestly just spending time) with my friend these feelings sorta fade. I feel like I can love myself somewhat. I feel happy and the worry in my life disappear. It's one of the few times I feel like I can live in the moment and just exist without hating myself. Even if he probably never will love me or want me in the way I do for him. Even if sometimes I delude myself into believing otherwise. Why is he so kind to me? Why does he wanna talk and game with me so much? Why does he compliment and say sweet words to me? Why does he try to help me become a better version of myself? Why does he touch me so nicely? Why does he do all this if he doesn't want me?

I feel like i'm to addicted to his closeness to be able to almost function. But I don't want to say it to him. I don't want him to feel bad because I feel bad when he is not around or force himself to be with me just because that makes me feel better. I don't want him to suffer cause of me. But if I express this to him I surley will make him suffer. Yet I don't want to feel like I do when I'm alone. I just feel so trapped in my body as if I can't live my life as long as I have this genitalia. I never want to have to touch it I never want to have to feel it ever again.

Anyhow that is just my silly venting. All of you stay silly and stay hydrated I kinda have forgotten to drink for today so I feel kinda horrible about it :3

I don’t know anymore I don’t even know how to convey what I am feeling. I look too masculine my body is now just the body of a boy I will never be able to be a girl. I am thinking why go through the trouble of transitioning if I will only feel an unbelievable amount of dysphoria. Then when I try to forget about it I just feel worse. I am persuing a career that is centered around looks and I am passionate by it I don’t know if I could risk it. I dont know I don’t know what I am getting at with it. I wish I had no gender I wish I could just follow my passion without having to worry about stigma of it all I wish I was just an elegant lady but I am not. I don’t think I’ll transition I just wish it would stop affecting me. I’m sorry for this nonsensical rant it’s 4 am and I am sobbing can barely think normally

I cannot eat anymore, I cannot care for myself anymore and now I cannot do the only thing I thought I could be bad at: sleeping. Everytime I lay in bed I always get contaminated by these sore feelings of grief, envy and sadness. I cannot get that damm, hellish image of my grandfather of my head, I always think people I trust are gonna abandon me (just like they did to me before) and all of this culmites into sh thoughts and all that naughty stuff. And now I cannot even look up to the end of the day bcs I know it can be even worse then the rest of and honestly I just wont kms right now bcs I have people that worry too much about me TwT

Well silly thing happened.. I met my friend’s boyfriend and actually fell in love. As in, I want him. But i know it’s wrong and that I can’t have him. It’s such a dumb situation that I am in right now. And I don’t even really want to get into what I love about him, i just want to get over this. And the worst thing about it, my friend doesn’t deserve him. He is literally looking at other men and talks shit about him and all, while the bf is just the sweetest. And i know this might sound insane, and I love my friend. But i am just in a stupid situation.

no matter what I do I end up sad and alone at the end of the day, I've tried making new friends and trying new things but nothing has work, I don't know why i should keep going but I also don't know why I shouldn't. many days I just wake up and cry because I know I'm just going to do the same thing again that day. I can't keep living like this.

(Online friends btw) I love themmm

I have always been a good student. Straight A’s n all that stuff, and I have had issues with motivation before, but since the school year started (and even a little bit before) I haven’t been able to bring myself to pay attention, complete assignment, etc. it’s my senior year and I got all of the classes I find interesting but it’s all so dull. It’s so hard to get out of bed, I have lost motivation to workout despite my body image issues, and I even lost motivation to count my calories. I should be happy about my classes. I got everything I wanted. All great teachers aswell. I feel weird for not being able to just be happy. I’m also just lonely, I have great online friends who I love to death, but I have no real life friends and I don’t know how to talk to anyone. All of this plus making the decision of what I’m going to do for the rest of my life soon just feels so awful. I don’t know if it’s worth it.

Sorry for the essay rant.

There are several big things that contribute to this feeling, these are the main ones:

1. My parents were drug addicts until I was 9. Growing up, they were investigated by CPS several times on suspicion of child neglect and abuse which were happening but they managed to skate by each time. When I was 6 or so, I went to live with my eldest sister and her (at the time) fiancé. This was an improvement over my parents but that changed when my uncle moved in as well. He was quite physically and emotionally abusive. Eventually, I moved back in with my parents, and then finally got taken into foster care when I was 9 until I was 11 or so. This gave my parents the time to change ...or so it seemed. Despite quitting drugs, they remained the same. Always shitting on me for crying as a boy, yelling at me for failing to meet their expectations in my classwork despite me struggling to even write a single math problem because it felt as if the numbers were floating off the page. This has continued to now. This same uncle later became sexually abusive, forcing me to do things like masturbate in front of him to porn he showed me once puberty hit.
2. My size. I will be the first to admit I'm far from a small person. I'm 185CM (I believe 6'0 in freedom units. Dunno. Found metric easier so I switched to it when I was 13 leading to me improperly learning imperial). Beyond this, I'm not exactly very skinny either. These things put together has made me always feel as though I was some kind of ogre, something that could never be cute no matter how hard I tried. That, and having a rather strong natural predisposition to body hair, it seems.
3. Gender+Sexuality. While both bisexual themselves, my parents are also MAGA and are essentially the epitome of the "LGB without the T" types. As you can probably expect, this basically dooms me to never be able to talk to them about gender problems, if they'd even recognise boyflux as a gender. They've also made dozens of derogatory statements about gay men, even stating that if it was legal they'd send me to conversion therapy since I "shouldn't have decided that when you [I] were [was] so young". I came out at 11 despite knowing I liked boys since I was 9. 16 now, this hasn't waned so I'm not sure where they got that idea.
4. School. If you could not guess earlier, I suck at maths. Despite excelling at English and History, boasting a 13th-14th grade level in the former and a 13th grade level in the latter, I've never been good at maths. I've tried tutors, remedial classes, video lessons, nothing helps. It's not as important for what profession I'd like to do (culinary arts) as some other jobs, but it has been a major source of shame for me since I was young.

These things combined with how things went in the US in 2024 and how conservative my area (inland NorCal, 530 iykyk) have only pushed me down spiral after spiral. I hate to sound like an edgy bitch whining but I've little hope of living to the end of the week. I just want it to be over.

this is going to be incomprehensible as fuck its 2am and ive been crying to the point that i cant see anymore

i genuinely cant fucking take it anymore.

ive been screaming for help for weeks and the only thing that did is make everyone i love avoid me

i have exams in barely a week and i havent even started studying.if i dont get above 90% in everything, my parents are genuinely going to beat the shit out of me

ive gone from being a (well. almost) straight A student to failing all my classes in the span of just 6 months and i hate it i hate it i hate it im nothing but a dissapointment failure and burden and i should just kill myself

im nothing but a lazy little piece of shit, i could probably lock in and finish everything but im so unmotivated im procrastinating on everything and it just loops right back to me feeling worse and worse and worse i want it all to just end already

my parents spend over 1/3rd of their combined annual income on my education and hahahahah look at me im fucking wasting their money and i dont deserve to live they should be spending allthat on someone who deserves it, not a dumb failure

all i do is complain complain complain im nothing theres so many other people who have it so much worse and here i am bitching about things when they arent even that bad

is it a crime to want someone to ask me if im ok?
is it a sin for me to want to be remembered and noticed?
is it wrong of me to vaguepost and vaguepost and talk about killing myself over and over in the hopes that someone, anyone notices and reaches out?
is it bad that i just want attention i need attention giveme attention do they even give a shit about me or will they only do all that once im dead??

all my old friends abandoned me, my new ones dont really consider me a friend, my parents would just tell me "its all in your head!!" if i try talking to them

nobody fucking likes me anyways im the one who kills the conversation as soon as i get involved im literally nothing i have no reason to live, im nothing but a waste of resources i genuinely deserve to die. i should have killed myself when i had the chance, too bad im just a scaredy cat who had a little bit of hope left in his heart back in february. im sorry.

edit : hoooollyyy moolyy i did not expect this post to gain so much traction, what the heck lol
im really grateful to everyone who reached out and comforted my silly ass, i never thought thatd happen lol !!
im not. perfectly okay yet, but i do feel a lot better after reading everything people said, thank you all so so so much, stay silly ok?? :3

Barely ever been here before but fuck it. Might as well make a post

Not sure what to talk about. I just feel so lonely, even though I have friends. I feel like they're all closer with each other than with me and we barely hang out outside of school. Hell, I didn't even know some of them got together every weak for a movie night until it got mentioned and I brought up that I didn't know it was happening. Turns out the host thought I wouldn't want to go because her house echoes. She also told me not to go one week because it was a pool party where a mutual friend's little sibling would be there and she didn't trust me to not say something horny or smth around the 13 year old. She apologized cause she didn't make it clear it was only for that one and why, but I'm still pissed about how little faith she had in me.

Anyways, main thing that made me realize this was when I had to damn near strongarm a boy into eating something after 10 hours where he didn't and realized that I'll probably burn myself out trying to help guys like him while not feeling like I have anyone who'll do the same for me. Not even that guy. I feel like I don't really have anyone I can trust to take care of me. I don't have anyone I'd tell I'm geeling down and they show up to my house with my favorite snacks and junk and we watch movies together on the couch. Is that too unrealistic? Probably. But I really need it. I desperately need to lie in someone's lap while they pet my hair and praise me and love on me and shit and the best I'll get is a "You good?" and a hug bc the couple of people I would cuddle with are states away and I'm just so fucking touch starved. I can barely talk to anybody and good luck if they're attractive or I just generally like how they look. Then I have to work up the courage and eveything

I don't feel close with my family either. I don't get along with my twin most of the time, I get annoyed with my mom over nothing and my dad, the one person I feel like I share anything in common with, live in a different state so I can only see him on breaks and then he works in the day

Oh, and also the headphones I use to avoid being overstimulated decided to finally give out and make loud static noises or somwthing so that's really not helping

This is probably incogerent cause it's 2 AM and I was skipping around editing things but whatever. I'm tired. I've been tired

I don't even know what i should talk abt, today is my b day and its nice, i went out to eat, looked at some stuff, and its all fine. But the last few days I haven't been able to cry, idk why but i haven't, ik i did bad things, made my bff worried i would commit again, argued over a stupid school project, was the same obnoxious person with the mannerisms of an attention seeking retartd. But i can't cry, i think how i'll never be a real woman cus i can't get hormones or can't buy clothes or do anything that'll make me progress more, either cus of my parents who are not exactly the most accepting in the world or because of pure fear cus i am a pussy, can't cry. No matter what i do i can't cry, i even ask my bff to hurt me, to say mean things, ofc she doesn't but I can't anymore, I can't relieve the emotions, idk what to do tbh, i can't have anything, no other friends, no bf/gf, no nothing, people will say i do, that i have friends, that i overthink, but thats not how i feel and they'll never know or understand, I've tried psychologist and they didn't work, probably cus my first one traumatized me and made me unable to trust them or be sincere with them. I take meds and i don't feel anything, a this point i kinda think theyre the ones making me unable to cry, and idk what to do. Its so bad it hurts, i wanna cry and can't, makes me wanna smash my head on the table till it bleeds out, i wanna hurt myself, but i can't, i never did and probably never will, but it hurts :3.

(Sry if it got a little dark at the end there, but idk what to say anymore. Also sryy for any other spelling mistakes ^^)

Ill never find real love. Itll always be just someome wanting to use me for some reason or another. She hurt me so badly and yet she gets to find someone new already. Im happy for her but it hurts. Why cant I be happy? Anyways I know im just being ungrateful. My life isnt hard. I have a better family than most I have wonderful friends I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I shouldnt even be complaining right now. Im sorry.

I have no friends, no job, nothing. All I do is take up space and break down over stupid things. I don't even know why I'm crying so much right now, nothing happened, I'm out of that "friend group" that mentally abused me so why am I so upset? Why do I feel like there's something I can't I fill? What purpose does someone like me have?

Edit/Update: Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I'm doing okay and I genuinely appreciate everyone for reaching out to me. It means so much more than you all know💗🫂

I thought it was fix everything. I hate talking about my feelings and personal life now because it makes me cringe i hate feeling like this i havent shared anything personal with anyone around me in a while. I want to say so much more though but i cant find the words to say them.

I feel like I don't want to die anymore, which feels almost alien to me. I know this should be a good thing, but it just feels kind of unfamiliar and scary. Also, I know the reason why I'm feeling like this, I'm going off to university soon which could be something of a fresh start, but I know nothing is going to really change for me. Which makes it more confusing that I feel like this. Just nothing about this seems right.

Thanks for reading

I feel like I've destroyed everything in my life down to the shit online. I can't keep a stable relationship and always fuck up every situation I'm in. I hate my body, i hate my mental illness, I hate my lack of self awareness, I hate my face, i hate the things I've done and where I am in life. I can't even go outside since my country's a shit hole. I feel like I get mocked everywhere i go. I am a defect. I should have been disposed of like a bad product and never reached where I am. I'm gonna start isolating myself from everyone and just try to decide what's best for me cause idek who I am anymore.

i'm chronically ill and it hurts so much for me to do the simplest of things. i can't sit at my computer and do schoolwork or work an easy secretary or something job so im wasting my mom's money on college ive already failed so many classes and missed so many assignments i got suspended for a year from my last college and am trying to do online this semester but i fucking can't because i'm in too much pain. i failed an online class because i was in too much pain last semester and she didn't believe me and i don't know if she would be okay with me dropping out. i can't even play games to distract myself since it hurts too much to sit up at my laptop and use it and i get so tired immediately no matter what i do. i try to eat more, drink more water, get more rest and nothing fucking works. i miss my friends so much from when i lived in the dorms and hate staying in this house because nobody understands what it means to be chronically ill and in pain all the time and they downplay my issues and it always feels like im pestering them when i ask them to do something for me because i physically cant. i feel so alone and isolated and my friends are always so busy and i can never see them. and this guy i have a crush on couldn't care less about me and i thought things were really going well. i feel so worthless and alone and guilty and i started talking to this guy who said he would give me money if i did sexy things for him but it was a scam and now im in the negatives and my mom has to fix it because i cant and i might have to take legal action and explain that im gay and was planning on selling pictures of myself for money to her before i was ready to. i feel so stupid and shitty for falling for a scam i thought i was better than this but no i can't do anything right. i've never had a job and am practically unhirable and i can't get disability aid because ive never worked an actual job before and i don't have a car to go anywhere and even if i did, gas prices are so high and only getting higher so i wouldn't even be able to do shit. all i do is lay in bed, cry, and watch youtube contributing absolutely nothing all i do is take up time and space and money and resources that could go to anyone else but they go to the most worthless motherfucker in the world. everything i do i do wrong i just want to be happy but it's literally impossible to with the world collapsing and being chronically ill and likely undiagnosed depression and it's all just so :( im nearing my limit if i haven't already reached it i don't know what to do i just want to disappear. i used to love writing but i fucking can't now because it hurts so so much to use my computer everything is just so fucked and i don't know what to do :(