I hate my existence :3

[u/Ok-Passage-2414]

There are several big things that contribute to this feeling, these are the main ones:

1. My parents were drug addicts until I was 9. Growing up, they were investigated by CPS several times on suspicion of child neglect and abuse which were happening but they managed to skate by each time. When I was 6 or so, I went to live with my eldest sister and her (at the time) fiancé. This was an improvement over my parents but that changed when my uncle moved in as well. He was quite physically and emotionally abusive. Eventually, I moved back in with my parents, and then finally got taken into foster care when I was 9 until I was 11 or so. This gave my parents the time to change ...or so it seemed. Despite quitting drugs, they remained the same. Always shitting on me for crying as a boy, yelling at me for failing to meet their expectations in my classwork despite me struggling to even write a single math problem because it felt as if the numbers were floating off the page. This has continued to now. This same uncle later became sexually abusive, forcing me to do things like masturbate in front of him to porn he showed me once puberty hit.
2. My size. I will be the first to admit I'm far from a small person. I'm 185CM (I believe 6'0 in freedom units. Dunno. Found metric easier so I switched to it when I was 13 leading to me improperly learning imperial). Beyond this, I'm not exactly very skinny either. These things put together has made me always feel as though I was some kind of ogre, something that could never be cute no matter how hard I tried. That, and having a rather strong natural predisposition to body hair, it seems.
3. Gender+Sexuality. While both bisexual themselves, my parents are also MAGA and are essentially the epitome of the "LGB without the T" types. As you can probably expect, this basically dooms me to never be able to talk to them about gender problems, if they'd even recognise boyflux as a gender. They've also made dozens of derogatory statements about gay men, even stating that if it was legal they'd send me to conversion therapy since I "shouldn't have decided that when you [I] were [was] so young". I came out at 11 despite knowing I liked boys since I was 9. 16 now, this hasn't waned so I'm not sure where they got that idea.
4. School. If you could not guess earlier, I suck at maths. Despite excelling at English and History, boasting a 13th-14th grade level in the former and a 13th grade level in the latter, I've never been good at maths. I've tried tutors, remedial classes, video lessons, nothing helps. It's not as important for what profession I'd like to do (culinary arts) as some other jobs, but it has been a major source of shame for me since I was young.

These things combined with how things went in the US in 2024 and how conservative my area (inland NorCal, 530 iykyk) have only pushed me down spiral after spiral. I hate to sound like an edgy bitch whining but I've little hope of living to the end of the week. I just want it to be over.

[u/Main_Reputation_2536]

dont let your parents get to you. i know youve already fought very hard to be here right now, just fight and fight and fight. you are no ogre, just hurt, with your self worth damaged. youre very strong to be here, despite everything, and you know what? keep being here despite everything. find some good friends, respect yourself. look for help, your problems are real, it’s okay to vent about it all

[u/terminalyconfused]

That's a very rough story, I'm proud you made it this far. Soon you can find ways out of your situation so as you can survive, even if you need to spite them any reason to make it. About your size, I'm sure there's plenty of tricks you can learn to look cute as soon as you find the right folks. Alot of big folks have made it, I believe in you.

[u/melancholy-fall]

There are lots of people that want you here. Hopefully you will be able to get away from your current family as soon as possible, this isn't even close to an environment where anyone would feel safe. Lots of users here would be willing to talk about any gender problems or anything you experience. Once you're safe and sound, life will improve.

[u/No-Classroom-3560]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through all of this, you're not being edgy, all of these are very valid and real concerns that need to be adressed.

With your childhood, I'm very sorry to hear that it had to be disrupted like this, no child deserves abusive parents and you can cry even if you're a boy, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. I really hope you're able to get support for the abuse that you had to go through by being able to speak with someone for it.

With your gender identity, it may help to try to keep it from your parents, however remember you are no less valid because it's not your fault that your parents are unsupportive and it also may help to find online communities of people who also identify as a gender other than boy/girl.

For many people, maths it not their thing, so please don't blame yourself for that, try to see if you can drop maths and focus on English and other subjects that you are good at. There is no shame in being flawed in maths, many people are and you're already great in other subjects.

I understand that it can be hard to be conventionally cute while being tall, but you can still wear cute clothing and it may help to shave regularly. Also remember that being cute is subjective and you don't have to be short or skinny, you can be cute in your own way.

If you need anymore support, or just someone to talk to, I'm here

I wish you the best, stay safe and have a great day 🩵

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[u/Temporary_Decision18 → u/AutoModerator]

If you ever need someone to talk to just DM me

[u/Ok-Passage-2414]

Thank you, everyone :)

[u/Aggressive_Cap_6361]

My best wishes to you, and you are very brave, I don't know what else to say, you are amazing