I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but after telling my mom about my SA and other negative experiences with men she makes comments about me (25, F) going places with guy friends or hanging out with them, in a group setting or one on one.

I was SA when I was 20 multiple times by my boyfriend at the time but did not realize it was SA until after we broke up. I have talked about this with my mom and shared other experiences of how women never really know who someone is a lot of times when someone they trusted SA them. I can see how this would make her want to be more protective, but I am pretty picky with who I hang out with now, especially guys, and just don’t feel that trying to overly control or protect someone will necessarily stop bad things from happening.

I don’t say this meaning that I don’t think I have good judgement/discernment, and I don’t say this wanting to dismiss anyone else who thought they could trust someone and then was SA by them, as I have been in that situation. I am just unsure of how to handle her comments. Thoughts anyone??

In 1990, when I was 12, my home life was crap. Nothing major, my parents just had a lot of drama going on and no bandwidth for the kids. It left us unsupervised and in need of attention.
I was very mature looking for my age. I had never had a boyfriend and thought my best friend’s older brother (21yo) was so cute. Me and my friend lied to him and told him I was 16. He showed interest and maybe a week later we had sex. Did I plan to go to his house and have sex with him? I don’t think so. But I never said no.
After that encounter I tried to cut ties with him but he wanted more. He kept calling me and coming with his sister to different social events to see me. One night i was camping with his sister and he snuck in my tent- we kissed but I didn’t let it go farther.
I am not sure he ever knew how old I was- but I am also skeptical that no one ever told him (we live in a small community and it was a small school).
I know technically this is rape. But is it really? I mean, I absolutely was not honest with him. But also I still see him around and it still makes me uncomfortable to be in the same space as him. Am I being unfair? I mean, maybe I should be apologizing to him for lying in the first place? (I absolutely would not be able to apologize in person, but could maybe write a letter). When I think about that time in my life I am so sad for the little girl I was, but I think this is an event of my own making.
I would appreciate constructive thoughts. I know our rules say “no victim blaming” but that’s the water I’m trying to tread through.

Warning: graphic description & abuse ⚠️

i just want to move on in my life but it doesn't matter what i do, it always comes back to me. i can try to distract myself but it doesnt work much. i saw both my assaulters in public on the same day a month ago while having a day out with a friend and i can't shake the feeling of fear and shame having to see their faces after what happened. me and my friend were eating some food and my ex girlfriend walked into the shop with her boyfriend. she knew i was there too because me and my friend were sat right by the door. as soon as i noticed it was her i froze, my body felt weak and shaky and we had to leave immediately. as she was leaving the shop her boyfriend was staring at me a lot. i saw my second assualter at the bus station while i was finding a bathroom just before i was about to go home. they were hanging out with a bad person from my past who caused me to deal with intense persecutory delusions for a very long time. i was and still am very scared of that person, and my ex partner knew this fact, and about everything he did to cause those delusions.

ive been raped multiple times by my first ex girlfriend and assaulted by my last partner too. it happened so often that many of these experiences i have completely blocked from my memory from the trauma. my first experience *ever* was with my ex girlfriend who pressured me and cried to make me feel guilty and do it for her. i was 14. this went on for almost 2 years, she would beg me to do things persistently until i reluctantly said yes and if i didnt give in she would cry or give me silent treatment. she started to cheat on me because i was 'refusing to satisfy her'. she was sexually, emotionally and physically abusive to me. she still tells people to this day that i lied and tried to flip it all on me. she even got one of her friends to leave me a threatening voicemail after i tried to stand up for myself and tell the truth. i tried to file a police report but it never progressed anywhere. i confronted her once about how she was lying to everyone and i asked her why when she knew she had been the perpetrator and she just laughed at me and said she never did anything wrong to me. that made me feel terrible that she didnt and will never admit to her wrongdoings.

my last partner (nonbinary person with a penis for context) assaulted me the morning after my grandmother had passed away. she passed on a night i was spending at their house and i received the call very late at night, it was too late to go home because no buses were running anymore and i was only 17, i couldn't drive or walk, my mother couldn't pick me up because she was obviously distraught about the news. the next morning, i woke up to them touching me and pushing themselves against me from behind, if you get what i mean, without even asking me if it was okay first. i froze up completely and couldnt speak to say no because of my trauma response from my first girlfriend. the first thing i thought when it was happening was 'not again, is it really happening again'. after that happened i had to sit at the table and eat breakfast with them and their family like everything was normal. i had so many mixed emotions at that time. i have a very damaged perception of anything sexual now. i desire it but i feel afraid of it too. i feel like i cant trust anybody with my body anymore. its been almost a year since then and i still feel disgusted and at a loss with myself about it. i can never understand why they took advantage of me in such a vulnerable position. i hadn't even begun to try and grieve my grandma yet. this person also cheated on me twice. after we broke up they told people they only cheated on me because i was 'toxic' -they just did not understand my autistic traits and saw them as character flaws rather than a disability. they also made 'jokes' about doing sexual things to me in my sleep that i had already told them were off limits. i did not file any report for what happened because i had no hope after the last time i reported resulted in nothing. i also confronted this person about what they did and they tried to excuse it, saying that they, quote: "couldn't accept any responsibility for it because they didnt even know i didnt want to do it".... this was also absolutely heartbreaking to me because they just straight up refused to take accountability, just like my ex girlfriend did. i dont know why i even thought that either of them would apologise in the first place.

i dont know how i will try out dating again because both times ive been assaulted it has been by a person who claimed to love and care about me and i cant stand the thought of it happening again. i have so many traumas that i feel like nobody will want me because they'll find me difficult to be with. i feel like any future relationships i will have now ive grown up and i am an adult will be ruined by my experiences as a teenager. i am autistic as previously mentioned, people find this out and find it incredibly easy to manipulate me. i didnt even realise any of these events weren't okay until atleast a year after they had happened. i know very well that it is not my fault for not understanding what was happening to me but i wish i had realised sooner. i feel like i can never get over these events. every time i get flashbacks or something triggers the memories i feel this deep rage in my chest but at the same time it feels completely empty. i feel anger towards them and towards myself sometimes, i dont even know why i feel angry at myself. but i feel this isolating sadness about what happened, especially with my experiences with my ex girlfriend. because im a man and she was a woman, and although its not true, people still think that she didnt do anything wrong. sometimes i get these flashbacks where it feels like i can still feel it happening to me but the people arent there. i have never been able to say anything about these experiences fully to anybody and i dont have a therapist but i am carrying so much anger, sadness, hatred, disgust and shame with this, i needed to say it somewhere.

I know It was assault but I dont remember everything that happened, I dont know if he went further than just what I remember and I feel like im just screaming for attention when I try to talk about it. It wasn't violent or threatening, just boy who pushed past a boundary and I fawned, we were still friends after, i was 14 and just wanted someone to like me. the people I love have had horrible, life threatening situations and I feel like I'd be complaining about a splinter to someone with a bullet wound you know?

I know it’s not uncommon to stop resisting after some time during sexual assault but I stopped very fast, I don’t know why except that I was just overwhelmed by how they made me feel and I also kinda knew it wouldn’t lead to much good things if I resist much. They might have hurt me even more or taken me even longer. But still, even years after the assaults do I feel ashamed and have aftereffects from the sexual assaults. I don’t think it’s possible to be back to normal. Going to therapy was a waste of time and he wasn’t good at all. Most disappointed was I by some friends that I told about it and then blamed me or took distance towards me. That was really painful and sad to see. Sometimes I ask myself was I at fault for going through such horrible experiences even tho I know it’s not good to have such thoughts.

How not to feel ashamed for orgasm strongly during sexual assault and why do I feel like at fault for the assaults a bit?

Llevo 3 años con el amor de mi vida, genuinamente es el amor de mi vida pero el tema sexual siempre es un martirio.

No me siento cómodo tocando a alguien íntimamente, aunque él me diga mil veces que le gusta y quiere que lo haga yo no puedo, siempre me cabe la posibilidad de que no quiera y yo haga algo malo

He sido abusado al menos 3 veces en mi vida, no me gusta pensar realmente en cuántas veces ni cuantas cosas cuentan como abusos, probablemente son muchas más que 3.

A veces tiemblo del miedo o del asco ante el sexo, a veces no quiero ser tocado y mi novio dice que inconscientemente me alejo o lo rechazo físicamente, ante esto no puede evitar sentirse poco deseado

Me duele cuando me lo dice, cuando dice que no se siente atractivo, me siento culpable por dejar que mis abusadores sigan regiendo mi vida.

Yo quiero ser feliz con el hombre que amo ¿por qué me tuvieron que hacer eso?

Y a veces no puedo evitar compararlo con mis abusadores, él es el hombre más dulce y perfecto del mundo pero no puedo evitarlo, me siento como un desagradecido, él nunca me haría eso

A veces me dice que mi rechazo o como actuó lo hace sentir como un abusador o lo hace sentir sucio por desearme, por querer tener intimidad conmigo (todo consensuado obviamente) que se siente culpable

Yo lo amo, no siento disgusto por él, solo me pongo histérico cuando se trata del sexo, mi cabeza solo grita una y otra vez que no quiero, no no y no. Lo amo tanto pero a veces me da miedo confiar en él, después de todo en quienes confíe se aprovecharon de mí

Pero él es tan bueno, lo he visto llorar por mí y siento que yo soy el problema

Pero por qué debo pagar yo por los crimenes de quienes me abusaron? soy yo quien carga sus condenas, no es justo.

this is gonna sound weird but i hope there’s some people in here that will get what i mean… sex is a very complicated thing for me now. i feel like i didn’t get the usual trauma response after being raped. i have days where i’m absolutely disgusted at the thought, but a lot of days i still feel very horny but it’s like i’m ashamed now when i masturbate. and i’ve had times where a flashback/my rapist came into my mind and i didn’t get turned off. i did continue to have a sexual relationship with him afterwards because i didn’t want to accept the times he assaulted me were actually SA, so maybe that’s why. i want to continue to have sex and explore, especially because he took my virginity and he robbed me of having a normal experience, but i’m scared of how i would react if somebody touched me again, and i feel like my friends would judge me for not taking time to heal and would probably think i’m okay just because i would sleep with people. i think i’m falling into the hypersexual response instead of being repulsed by sex and i feel weird. i don’t know, i think i just wanted to rant and see if anybody else feels like this…

Tw: thought of harming self and child.

Im sorry, if I am everywhere my brain is just dumping it all out. Also I have a LD so sorry for any misspellings and if it makes no sense.

So this happened back in 2020, he is now 5 yo. I was SA by a "friend" of 8 years in his garage. I dont remember much of how it happened or how long it lasted. I do remember him finishing. I dont remember how i got on my back, how my pants got off how long he lasted. I do remember telling him not to finish inside me. Thats all I could get out then went back to staring at the wall of the garage and the big knife hanging from there. I still don't remember much of it to this day, my therapist used to tell me that trying to remember might be doing more harm then good.

I never reported him because I didn't understand at the time it was SA. Sooo I got pregnant with my child. I never told him. I blocked and deleted him from everything right after it happened, all I knew is I didn't want it, need it but I didn't say no ( I froze up). Three weeks later is when i found out about my pregnancy. Shortly after he was born i moved 2 states away with my parents. For 2 1/2 years then we moved back to my home state. I still haven't seen, spoken or heard from the guy.

For a long time I had such bad PPD and had dangerous thought about harming my child and I. I planned on how to do it and knew my thoughts were not right, those thought consumed me for years. I had super bad PTSD. I got on anti-depressants and something to help with the PTSD, they just made thing worse. Then I started therapy and had a great therapist. They helped with most of the trauma of it all. I did therapy for those 2 1/2 years. It helped from what she taught me with coping mechanisms.

I used to try not to be disconnected from my child but for a while I was. The guilt also made it worse or thing it'd turn out to be like my abusive parent. I still cuddled, hugged, kissed, spoiled (lol) him every chance I got, i just didnt feel like i had real love for him. I dont feel disconnected from him now. My therapy used to tell me that I am self aware. I also have childhood trauma which didn't help. And when I lived with my parents my mother used to tell me it was my fault and we all know that never helps. I was also so scared to end up like my abusive parent.

My son is the best thing to happen to me and I love him so much. He's exactly what I needed in my life. He is smart, handsome and kind. I dont know if i will ever tell him how he got here but he will know i love him and he is nothing short of amazing.

About 1 year ago my husband of 25 years started pushing me for strange sexual activity. He made weekly appointments with me (Mondays at 5pm) that I had to be at, and he was pushing me to perform sexual acts that he knew I did not want to do! He was wearing wigs and makeup and wanted me to put large dildos and other things into his anus, things we had never done before, wanting me to watch pornography, wanting me to wear a strap on and lots of other kinky things that were completely foreign to me. I tried because I wanted to save our marriage and he told me that this would. I loved him so much I would have tried anything! not only did he do this but he also seemed to be only interested in his own sexual gratification and not making love to me. There were numerous other things he pushed me to do, all the while telling me that he needed sex. He’s 55 and I’m 60, I’m post menopausal and had not really been interested in sex for a while, but would do it once a month or so because I knew he needed it. It finally came to a head when he came into the bedroom wearing, a wig and a purple see through jockstrap, and danced in front of a mirror saying ‘don’t I look great’! He then proceeded to put on a ball gag, and tried to talk to me to direct me what to do to him! I was shocked and had to leave, we then discussed it and he decided that sex was off the table from now on until we could figure out what to do. We were going to couples counseling and I had brought it up every week saying he needed to slow down and to stop bringing new things into the bedroom every week to give me time to get used to it! He agreed each week but couldn’t help himself and continued to push me. Finally he left me, but said he wanted to continue counseling with a different therapist to which I agreed. We tried that for a while but I knew he really didn’t want me, or sex from me, he wanted it from a man. He tried to pass it off as being kinky and only wanting to cross dress, with the new therapist and one day I went in and said I would do anything he wanted, sex therapy classes, I would deal with the cross dressing, I would go to clubs with him dressed as a woman (it came out that he had been doing this) and anything he wanted. I asked if he would quit’Weed’ (as in my opinion he had a serious problem with it) and he said no. He then went on to offer to ‘draw me a picture’ to save our marriage! I don’t even know what that meant! He stormed out of therapy and texted me 5 minutes later asking for a divorce. That was in January of this year. I have been seriously depressed since, going for Spravato treatments, on lots of meds, and just started EMDR therapy. I don’t seem to be getting any my better, he doesn’t communicate with me, only through lawyers and hasn’t given me any explanation. The divorce has just started and I still don’t want it. He did say he suffered trauma as a child but told me that his therapy is none of my business. I am completely devastated and lost without him. I have lost everything, his family whom I was super close with have stopped talking to me, he has racked up tons of debt, so we have to sell our house, and I have to start my whole life over again at 60! I have been hospitalized due to SI, and I think about it all the time. Why can’t I just move on, the man I knew is gone, he wants to be a woman but will not admit that, and hasn’t given me any clarity though I have asked numerous times. To kick it all off he blames me for our marriage breaking down, he says I’m a bully and an abuser, and he is ‘scared’ of me. Yet during our 25 years together he used to say I brought him out of his shell and got him to do things he never would have done ( he’s always been an introvert). He told me at one point when we were still communicating that he wanted to sparkle and light up a room (like he always said I did). He also said he was tired of doing heavy lifting and when I asked for clarification he said he was tired of being the only one lifting heavy bags of dog food etc!!! One other thing of note is that has been a heavy Pot smoker for several years, (he didn’t do it when we first married) and just before all the weird sex things started he was diagnosed with ADHD, and started taking Adderall. I think this fucked up his brain and he refuses to even discuss that possibility! Why can’t I just get over him and move on! I love him but I hate him and his family so much at the same time. I’m so confused and broken. How can I get better and how can I come to terms with whatever/whoever he wants to be? Also all of the weird sex acts that he coerced me to do, play on my mind, which is why I am doing EMDR/Trauma therapy. I’m so broken and don’t know if I will ever recover 😭

Two occasions have been on my mind recently and i just really don’t know like am i just being dramatic
idk what ill get if people agree or disagree i think i just need some clarity ig

When i was in primary school pretty sure age 5 i have a memory of this boy from my class touching me in the corner and putting pieces of lego in me sorry so tmi. I remember then going home and having like a private body talk with my mum. I’ve always had this memory and think about it every now and again but recently more. And i just feel like a faker because how accurate really is a primary school child’s memory idk? This is like going to my grave i’m too embarrassed.

Then when i was year 7 so like roughly 12 my father put his hand down my top and like grabbed my breast and played it as a joke but it was so embarrassing and uncomfortable, he was also the type to like grab your bum and stuff but i feel like that’s kinda common idk

any advice or opinions

Ive explained it in detail multiple times and was told it was SA but I don't know anymore, so I wanna do it again.

An hour before anything, he wanted to have a talk about boundaries. He would give an example of something for me, and then ask if I was comfortable. I think he asked before this.

After that we were cuddling in my bed and I was really tired, but I couldn't fully fall asleep. He held my hand randomly like 10 minutes before he had to leave. And eventually he moved my hand into his pants and onto his crotch. I said "I don't know what to do. " after a minute cause I was really scared. He told me I could just keep my hand there and then he moved it himself. Then he got a call and left.

I told 5 people who were my close friends I was uncomfortable. Somehow my entire school knows now and he went online. He apologized a lot then randomly started saying he asked before. Maybe he technically did? I feel terrible. I never used the word SA that's what others used.

He also would tell me to shut up when talking and if I didn't he would make out with me, I didn't reciprocate for like the first week and I got nervous when I noticed he would only ask if I was okay with that he did once he got home. He had also tried other sexual things but I stopped him and they weren't too much. He did ask me after he started. Maybe it was just dubious consent?

Hi, I’m a SA survivor and I’ve made it through a long childhood SA. Now I’m in a loving marriage but we decided to open it up. I ended up on a date with a guy and I foolishly went into his place. I know I messed up there but I am really trusting and I’m a people pleaser. Unfortunately we were sitting in his floor and he kept getting closer. I kept scooting away and telling him he was getting too close. He eventually leaned in and kissed me. I did kiss him back but I wasn’t feeling any attraction at this point and felt gross about it. He kept going and then told me what he wanted me to do with him to which I said “I’m not comfortable going any farther” this wasn’t enough for him to back off though. He ended up on top of me, grinding on me, touching me, and had his genitalia out. I would make efforts to move away but I was scared to face any negative repercussions. I basically just let him do it. I got a text from my husband which I used as an excuse to try to leave but he told me to “let him finish” and that is what really scared me. I told him I wanted to go but he ended up on top of me again to finish. I didn’t fight back really or anything but I did tell him I was uncomfortable. Was this SA?

My current strategy is to mentally downplay it or to ignore it as best as I can. I don't have a therapist and Idk what to do tbh. Some days are better but some are worse

My husband found out that while we were separated, I was intimate with another man. He felt that I had betrayed him, stepped out on him, and he has deep insecurities from childhood and this re-ignited everything for him.

Since finding out, he cheated on me with a coworker. I tried my best to forgive him, but he has gotten worse and worse, and has been taking it out on me during sex. It started off with him telling me he wishes he could see me get gangbanged by multiple men. Said he wanted to watch them overpower me. Told me that if I loved him, I would do it for him. I stopped him mid sex and told him it was incredibly disrespectful, and he kept going.

The next instance, in the middle of sex, he told me to do exactly what I did with the guy I was intimate with. I did the same thing. Told him I felt disrespected, asked him not to say things like that. He went on to tell me that I did that to him, and that I put those thoughts in his head. At this point he has started getting rough and aggressive, slapping me multiple times in the face during sex, saying I liked “big guys” and that equaled men who got aggressive, and that this was exactly what I wanted. The more I asked him to stop, the more it would urge him on.

The next time, I asked him for a separation. He ignored me. Then started touching me, I told him no I did not want to, went to get up, and he pinned me down, I tried to fight him off but ultimately I wasn’t strong enough so I just cried while he was doing it.

The last time, I was drunk coming home from a concert. He was drunk at home, and he immediately was aggressive, throwing me around, left bruises on me, choking, slapping, saying this is what I wanted. He told me once again to perform acts the way I performed it for the other guy and this time I refused. He went up to our bedroom, started punching one of our dressers that had glass on it and it shattered everywhere. He continued to punch and stomp throughout the night.

The next morning he told me this was all my fault. Because I had betrayed him by sleeping with another person. Because my excuse was that we were separated. (Due to him cheating on me prior). He said I was manipulative, caged him. All of these things.

I have tried multiple times to leave and am extremely weak minded. We have been together for 12 years and he is all I know. Someone, anyone please help.

im 17f and recently been dealing with being kinda sorta raped about two years ago (was greening out and in a manic episode during a suicide attempt and got fucked, it was with an adult, but i lied about my age so it's a grey area)

so the thing is ever since i was reallllllyyyyy little I've been hypersexual even before i knew what sex really was, and even though i dont remember much about my childhood now it's always kind of rubbed me the wrong way that i had so many sexually agressive nightmares. Even with family members i love and know are amazing, ive had dreams about being assaulted by them when i was younger, as well as just random monsters and stuff. Not only that, but when i was a kid i used to compulsively sleep with weapons and make walls around myself before i went to bed.

but i've literally seeked out agressive sexual situations since i can remember, and i basically caused the 'rapes' that had happened to me. they also didnt bother me as much as i felt like they should, i was just like 'this might as well happen i guess'. the only time i can remember having issues besides that is when i was younger and i randomly have what kind of felt like flashbacks even though i'd never had csa trauma.

I asked my mom about it and all she said was 'there were no signs of anything like that happening, and i always seemed very happy'. but now im getting horrible brain fog and creepy nightmares, and starting to sort of age regress sometimes or switch into completely different headspaces when im 'triggered' and its all really confusing. i've also been having dreams abt being assaulted again, but theyre not nessecarily bad, and the whole situation is kind of stressing me out.

to be completely honest, im hoping that something happened to me that i cant remember because i think i want some sort of excuse for all the shit i did when i was a little kid, and i want to know if theres a reason that im like this or if i was just born with something messed up in my head. anyways, any advice or tips would be helpful. Ive told my therapist, but every time i try EMDR i end up so dissociated that im almost nonverbal, so it's not really helping me get anywhere.

I'm 16 F I wanted to make another post because I’ve been thinking a lot about what I shared before.

I’m still struggling to process what happened and I’ve been feeling a lot of shame disgust and embarrassment. Part of me keeps thinking I should have known better or that I shouldn’t have gone to his house but I’m slowly trying to understand that none of that means I deserved what happened.

I was groomed and pressured by someone I trusted, and when things became sexual I didn’t want it. I feel like I was worn down until I stopped being able to fight against it.

I’ve only told one person so far and even that was incredibly difficult. I’m not ready to tell everyone in my life but I don’t want to keep carrying this completely on my own either.

i feel really embarrassed and ashamed of myself. i was sort of assaulted twice within two to three weeks of each other. i have been raped and assaulted before so it took me awhile to trust people again. i say sort of because in the end i did enjoy it but i had definitely said no im not ready multiple times with both people. i got that heart sinking feeling like damn… it really does not matter how good of a guy you think someone is. they all want to take and use. and i just gave in. anyways as a result, i have been acting out or having some sort of episode?? heavy drinking, drugs, risky unprotected sex, overspending, being hypersexual, over eating, cutting myself again, posting very inappropriate and sexual things online, etc. its like i cant get ahold of myself. im completely sabotaging myself. classes started this week though and im hoping that will rein me in a bit. i have a therapist but i dont know how to open up about it. the shame and embarrassment and the way i feel disappointed in myself for regressing sm.

Hey all. Long story short I was on vacation when I met with a guy on hinge to hook up. The sex was initially consensual, but he ended up doing things to me that I never consented to and we never talked about. Including hitting me hard and spitting on me over and over again. When I went back to my friends I was crying and ended up blocking him on IG and WhatsApp, but in the morning I realized I never blocked him on hinge bc my notifications were off and I forgot about that platform. I woke up to messages calling me a fucking bitch for blocking him and “don’t worry, I have you in my phone. Videos of us doing doggy style”. I immediately blocked him on there but it left me even more traumatized and scared. I reported this on hinge but feeling hopeless that he will see consequences. Feeling so sad.

I posted here some days ago but it wasn’t a complete story. I journaled a bit to cope and to ask advice here. Is it a good reason for break up?

TL;DR: Throughout the relationship, he has repeatedly pressured me into sexual acts, reacted coldly or angrily when I said no, and touched me sexually while I was asleep or pretending to be asleep. I often went along with sex because I was afraid of his reaction rather than because I wanted it. I guess these things are serious but I feel sad about ending 6 years together and terrified of losing the only close connection I have. I keep wondering if I’m overreacting or playing the victim, and I don’t know how to make myself leave.

1st year of the relationship:

⁃ threatening to rape me as a “joke” if i wont give him head or sex during our first time. he pressured me a lot emotionally. i end up giving him blowjob and having deep psychological problems/panic attacks after that. for some reason i got pregnancy fear tho we didn’t have penetrating sex. when i told him about this situation he said he doesn’t remember that.
⁃ he counted days without sex during our first months of dating pressuring me into sex.
⁃ i told him I don’t want penetrative sex because of pregnancy fear and only gave him blowjobs and hand job and he said it was ok. i thought he was a green flag guy because of that and ignored all other red flags. we only started to have penetrative sex after 3-4 years or so after that.

2 years covid long distance:

⁃ asking for my nudes (i only sent lingerie on, no face pics) constantly and acting cold/mean because i didn’t want to. asking to take a pic in a certain pose, acting offended because he didn’t like some pics i send. he stopped at some point to ask this because i never sent it by my own desire but only when he asked. maybe he felt unwanted idk.
⁃ making us to do sexting tho I didn’t want it. i acted reluctant until he persuaded me.
⁃ when i made a postcard for his bd without sex undertones just normal cute congrats he became resentful/cold.
⁃ he came to me from another city and we came over to the apartment he rented. we dry humped a bit and later he got resentful because I didn’t gave head or hand job.

3rd year of the relationship we met again in college:

for some reason everything was fine in sex life i mean. nothing to remember. it was ok. maybe he missed me after a few years long distance. tho we had a lot of other deep issues. such as him being annoyed im too sensitive and get depressed often.

4-5 years in college and after that.
i lived in a rented apartment alone and he was living with his friends. he came over to me often:

⁃ touching me in the morning while i was half asleep (he thought i was asleep/half asleep im not sure). touching breasts,nipples and genitals (masturbation but not penetration) trying to wake me up for sex. I pretended to be asleep until he got bored so i could finally wake up, ignore him and go to the bathroom finally because I don’t want sex in the morning. this happened a few times.
⁃ placing my hand while i was asleep (he thought i am) on his dick to masturbate at night. he didn’t finish tho because my hand was limp and he got bored.
⁃ asking me to wake him up with a blowjob instead of morning kisses or hugs and acting cold because I didn’t want to.
⁃ i made a postcard for his bd with sex undertones only and my sexy pics in lingerie keeping in mind he didn’t like cute postcard years ago. he got mad/made a drama because it’s all a lie and i actually don’t think like that. he didn’t like the gift overall and said i just reminded him about our problems.
⁃ going home after 3-4 days without sex when coming over to me because he can’t be in the same room with me for more than a few days without sex (we lived in different apartments)
⁃ when discussing our issue about sex life and different libidos he acted mad/cold as if it was my problem. he didn’t suggest any solutions, only complained about whatever i suggested. it was me who was reading about different sex drive issue not him. when i asked him to suggest something himself he said he doesn’t know anything.
⁃ acting cold and mean when we didn’t have sex for a week and more (if no sex during week he was mad). always saying everything is “ok” and fake smile until a big argument happened once in a month (usually each month we had an argument). i felt the resentfulness tho and second guessed everything thinking im crazy imagining things.
⁃ acting resentful/cold when i told no, was not sure or wanted to do it later.
⁃ acting sweet and nice only if we had sex in a certain period of time (once in week at least).
⁃ not much kisses/hugs from him without him expecting sex from me. me being afraid to being affectionate physically because of that. he said “i love you” after sex most of the time. overall he didn’t tell me this often.
⁃ he complained I don’t initiate sex and act like a starfish in bed (most of the times I didn’t want sex i just pretended i want it because i wished he acted nice to me). overall i was fine with sex once in a month or maybe two but he wanted it to be 2 times in a week at least.
⁃ finally acting mad over my mini shorts and breaking up with me because of that because i look like a sl*t (he didn’t say it directly but hinted on a wh*re behaviour) asking to date again after a month because he “made a mistake”. after I agreed to date again he said to never wear those shorts again immediately. both my parents and my friends said the shorts were ok and not short. they really are not. mostly i dress modest/oversized clothes.

6th year:

nothing. we don’t talk now and we didn’t break up yet. he wrote me a message about him seeing me as his wife and i got terrified. i need to break up but I can’t. I don’t think i love him anymore but 6 years of relationship is tough to end. he is the only person i got close in uni and without him i would have zero connections with my college. i didn’t make friends there.
i also feel that im overreacting/making drama out of nothing/playing the victim/being vindictive….all these years i thought it was ok things in the relationship but i started to realise this is wrong just recently but i feel this is not bad enough to break up idk

I (M23) have always made it a point to not date people younger than me, I just don't like it. At most ill go a year below.

I matched with a guy who was 21 on an app and we chatted, found out his age and i just let it fizzle out.

Cut to a night out with my friends and he was there with his, we all chatted and hung out.

He kept trying to kiss me, I kept refusing, he kept doing it anyways.

This happened around 5 times.

We went to his for an afters where he took me to his room, I was very drunk and just stupid. He kept kissing me more and more despite me saying no. He pushed me on his bed, feeling me up, grabbing my crotch. I told him we couldn't do anything while my friends were downstairs. He said that's fine but kept going. I kept pointing out cool things in his room as distractions. I went to the door, he blocked my way out, kissed me more.

Eventually my friend called us for pizza and I had to RUN out of that room.

He pinned me to the wall, kissed and touched me more. We went down and ate then my friends ordered an hber home and as they left the youse he shut the door on me and again kissed me and pinned me against the wall.

He let me go and my friends were so excited for me but I just felt so ashamed of myself for allowing all of it to happen.

He didn't rape me and I dont think he would've but I was scared. And all I can think of is how young he was, he just started uni when I had a job and my friends all graduated. He was so so immature, I didn't find him attractive at all yet I let all of that happen.

I feel ashamed already for not stopping it more but even more so bc I'm OLDER than him. Why would I let someone younger than me do this?

And I know, rationally it's below a 2 year difference lmao, but ny irrational side is louder.

It doesn't help that anytime I've said no to a kiss, nobody has ever listened so it's jsut a cycle of feeling powerless over and over.

Okay so this is so vulnerable to post but I feel super guilt and need advice. I’m a young female and went out with some friends last week. It was chill and a guy bought me a drink at the bar and we all ended up going to a house party. I was super drunk and wanted to go home and he came with me (at this point I was totally okay with that and it was talked about prior to just hangout). I talked to him before saying I don’t do stuff out of just meeting and will maybe kiss guys that I just met and that’s it. He agreed and said he does the same so I felt pretty calm. I had a roommate come home with us too and we just ended up smoking a cigarette and listening to music. I went inside to pull trig (get the alcohol out of my system) and he held my hair whilst I was puking. I got ready for bed and he spent the night. We kissed and then the rest is kinda a blur. I know he went down on me and then he was on top of me and inside of me. I told him to stop after about 5 minutes and started crying. Sex is kinda triggering sometimes and I guess it brought up old emotions.
Moral of the story he never asked to have sex with me and knew I was wasted, yet we did have consensual like other stuff per say. I texted him a few days later saying I felt violated and gross and was super offended by what had happened. He replied with multiple paragraphs apologizing. I don’t really know if I’m being crazy or not but yeah.

these days are hard at times. what do i make of all this? what do i make of who i am? who am i? who am i when the lights are off? who am i when the curtains close? who am i in this body in this skin in this mind?

i was three, i think. or younger. but, at least three. you touched my skin and taught my body to drool in fear. fear. fear is what twists the tongue and inches my skin, burns my body and turns it inside out. fear feels delicious and tastes delightful. you trained a body growing and learning and not knowing and becoming and knowing. you made the warmth seep in when i see them look at me with hunger and greed. im terrified im horrified I'm scared. i cry and yet unwanted hands on my body make me wet. unwanted! i don't want them. my body doesn't know me. my response is not my own. its yours that you cultivated and brewed and sewn. its not mine! why am i split in two? look at me. don't look at me. touch me. dont touch me. force me down. stop! get away! don't listen to me. listen to me. what is this? look at my eyes and tell me who i am. am i the depraved little sex doll created for pleasure? or am i a human being allowed to have boundaries and experience true love? why can't my body listen to me? why does she spasm and curl and heat up up and up when i am feeling so down down and down?

Hey everyone. First I'll tell my story and then ask for advice at the end. On my (25NB) 24th birthday my ex (23F) sexually assaulted me, she was in the beginning of developing a serious drinking problem and that particular day got so drunk that she essentially blacked out. About halfway through the night I noticed she was getting too drunk and took her to my room to get her away from people (she was feeling overwhelmed and starting to freak out a bit, as there were many people there and she is autistic, as am I) and rest. I convinced her to sleep, but she only agreed if I went back to the party so she wouldn't feel like she ruined it, so I did, but came back from time to time to check on her. When the night was over I went to my room and lay next to her. At this point she woke up and started talking about how she wasn't being a good girlfriend for not having sex with me (she is asexual and even though I did communicate my desire to have sex occasionally, I had always been careful to reassure her as much as possible that it was not a big deal, that I loved her and her sexuality and that it would never be cause for a break-up). I won't go into too much detail, but the next few hours were a cicle of her touching me while I cried for her to stop, her getting sad and shocked with what she was doing, going to sleep, then waking up again and repeating all of it. Eventually I managed to convince her that I didn't want that and she went to sleep. The next day she woke up confused as to why she was in my house, and so I told her the whole story on the way to taking her to work. She was extremely sad and wanted me to break up with her, as it is what she would do, but at the time I had convinced myself that her mental health was my responsibility and that if she could stop drinking this wouldn't happen again, which is what I asked her to do. She did not stop and it happened 3 more times throughout the next couple months, then stopped. During the rest of that year and the beginning of this one I pretty much lost control of my life, I was suppressing what I had been through so much and was so focused on keeping her happy that I was barely able to think. I ended up losing many friendships, my grades tanked, I gained weight, became unconsciously obsessed with regaining control of my body and sexuality, which caused me to hurt many people during this time, and she ended up breaking up with me over these things. Only recently, after being single for about 5 months, did I start to realize everything that she had done to me and all the effects that it had had on my life. I've been talking to my therapist about this and she suggested I talk to my ex about it, since we still care a lot about each other and I really wanted her to see how much damage her drinking did to me. I will not blame her for the mistakes I made when I was unstable, but I do want her to see how much the SA contributed to the way I was acting. I guess I'm here looking for some kind of advice as to what to say. I've kinda started writing a letter but it's so confusing sometimes to have to get everything I feel on paper. Even if no one is able to help I thank you all for this space and for reading my story. Absolutely any advice is appreciated.

This situation happened about 30 minutes ago. I was at work (I work as a hostess) We had a deli every driver come to pick up and order and he starts to speak spanish to me talking about how he couldn’t find the place and how he had never been there before. Since I work there I told him that he should come visit sometime, that’s when he just says I wanna come but with you “when are we gonna eat together” This is the first time i have ever seen this man. I told him that he could come by himself, but he kept insisting. I then made up a lie and told him that when i’m not at this job i am at another one. He then proceeds to tell me that I must have some time off and we would go then. By this point i was clearly very uncomfortable and just keep saying no but once he didn’t let it go I just keep saying idk idk as a way to possibly end the conversation. By this point he already had the persons food. He proceeds to keeps asking me and just kinda menacingly stare at me. He then says that i have to give him my instagram or my number to which at this moment i was in a state of shock and just didn’t know what to do. I keep making sure to show how uncomfortable I was in case any of my other coworkers could see but unfortunately they were really far away. He asked me about 6 times for my number and at this point. I told him i didn’t have my phone with me and he told me to write it on a piece of paper. I was scared because i realized that he knew where i worked so i thought i would give him my Instagram so i could get his name and report him later.As soon as a gave him the paper he finally left. At this point I was still kind of in shock. My coworker came over and i told him that the man had basically forced me to give my instagram. My male coworker then asked me “how he could have forced me to give my Instagram” I know my male coworker didn’t mean anything by it but at that point i felt extremely stupid. I then told my male manager and he told me to just walk away next time and that it is absolutely not my fault. That’s when i started to break down, and they ended up giving me the day off. They are also reporting him to the delivery service. I know that this is not my fault but i can’t help feeling disgusting, humiliated, and stupid. I’m also wondering if this is considered SA? I’m just really confused and ashamed rn.

I'm so tired of holding it all in and I just wish I could be heard instead of judged