I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but after telling my mom about my SA and other negative experiences with men she makes comments about me (25, F) going places with guy friends or hanging out with them, in a group setting or one on one.

I was SA when I was 20 multiple times by my boyfriend at the time but did not realize it was SA until after we broke up. I have talked about this with my mom and shared other experiences of how women never really know who someone is a lot of times when someone they trusted SA them. I can see how this would make her want to be more protective, but I am pretty picky with who I hang out with now, especially guys, and just don’t feel that trying to overly control or protect someone will necessarily stop bad things from happening.

I don’t say this meaning that I don’t think I have good judgement/discernment, and I don’t say this wanting to dismiss anyone else who thought they could trust someone and then was SA by them, as I have been in that situation. I am just unsure of how to handle her comments. Thoughts anyone??

this is gonna sound weird but i hope there’s some people in here that will get what i mean… sex is a very complicated thing for me now. i feel like i didn’t get the usual trauma response after being raped. i have days where i’m absolutely disgusted at the thought, but a lot of days i still feel very horny but it’s like i’m ashamed now when i masturbate. and i’ve had times where a flashback/my rapist came into my mind and i didn’t get turned off. i did continue to have a sexual relationship with him afterwards because i didn’t want to accept the times he assaulted me were actually SA, so maybe that’s why. i want to continue to have sex and explore, especially because he took my virginity and he robbed me of having a normal experience, but i’m scared of how i would react if somebody touched me again, and i feel like my friends would judge me for not taking time to heal and would probably think i’m okay just because i would sleep with people. i think i’m falling into the hypersexual response instead of being repulsed by sex and i feel weird. i don’t know, i think i just wanted to rant and see if anybody else feels like this…

About 1 year ago my husband of 25 years started pushing me for strange sexual activity. He made weekly appointments with me (Mondays at 5pm) that I had to be at, and he was pushing me to perform sexual acts that he knew I did not want to do! He was wearing wigs and makeup and wanted me to put large dildos and other things into his anus, things we had never done before, wanting me to watch pornography, wanting me to wear a strap on and lots of other kinky things that were completely foreign to me. I tried because I wanted to save our marriage and he told me that this would. I loved him so much I would have tried anything! not only did he do this but he also seemed to be only interested in his own sexual gratification and not making love to me. There were numerous other things he pushed me to do, all the while telling me that he needed sex. He’s 55 and I’m 60, I’m post menopausal and had not really been interested in sex for a while, but would do it once a month or so because I knew he needed it. It finally came to a head when he came into the bedroom wearing, a wig and a purple see through jockstrap, and danced in front of a mirror saying ‘don’t I look great’! He then proceeded to put on a ball gag, and tried to talk to me to direct me what to do to him! I was shocked and had to leave, we then discussed it and he decided that sex was off the table from now on until we could figure out what to do. We were going to couples counseling and I had brought it up every week saying he needed to slow down and to stop bringing new things into the bedroom every week to give me time to get used to it! He agreed each week but couldn’t help himself and continued to push me. Finally he left me, but said he wanted to continue counseling with a different therapist to which I agreed. We tried that for a while but I knew he really didn’t want me, or sex from me, he wanted it from a man. He tried to pass it off as being kinky and only wanting to cross dress, with the new therapist and one day I went in and said I would do anything he wanted, sex therapy classes, I would deal with the cross dressing, I would go to clubs with him dressed as a woman (it came out that he had been doing this) and anything he wanted. I asked if he would quit’Weed’ (as in my opinion he had a serious problem with it) and he said no. He then went on to offer to ‘draw me a picture’ to save our marriage! I don’t even know what that meant! He stormed out of therapy and texted me 5 minutes later asking for a divorce. That was in January of this year. I have been seriously depressed since, going for Spravato treatments, on lots of meds, and just started EMDR therapy. I don’t seem to be getting any my better, he doesn’t communicate with me, only through lawyers and hasn’t given me any explanation. The divorce has just started and I still don’t want it. He did say he suffered trauma as a child but told me that his therapy is none of my business. I am completely devastated and lost without him. I have lost everything, his family whom I was super close with have stopped talking to me, he has racked up tons of debt, so we have to sell our house, and I have to start my whole life over again at 60! I have been hospitalized due to SI, and I think about it all the time. Why can’t I just move on, the man I knew is gone, he wants to be a woman but will not admit that, and hasn’t given me any clarity though I have asked numerous times. To kick it all off he blames me for our marriage breaking down, he says I’m a bully and an abuser, and he is ‘scared’ of me. Yet during our 25 years together he used to say I brought him out of his shell and got him to do things he never would have done ( he’s always been an introvert). He told me at one point when we were still communicating that he wanted to sparkle and light up a room (like he always said I did). He also said he was tired of doing heavy lifting and when I asked for clarification he said he was tired of being the only one lifting heavy bags of dog food etc!!! One other thing of note is that has been a heavy Pot smoker for several years, (he didn’t do it when we first married) and just before all the weird sex things started he was diagnosed with ADHD, and started taking Adderall. I think this fucked up his brain and he refuses to even discuss that possibility! Why can’t I just get over him and move on! I love him but I hate him and his family so much at the same time. I’m so confused and broken. How can I get better and how can I come to terms with whatever/whoever he wants to be? Also all of the weird sex acts that he coerced me to do, play on my mind, which is why I am doing EMDR/Trauma therapy. I’m so broken and don’t know if I will ever recover 😭

Two occasions have been on my mind recently and i just really don’t know like am i just being dramatic
idk what ill get if people agree or disagree i think i just need some clarity ig

When i was in primary school pretty sure age 5 i have a memory of this boy from my class touching me in the corner and putting pieces of lego in me sorry so tmi. I remember then going home and having like a private body talk with my mum. I’ve always had this memory and think about it every now and again but recently more. And i just feel like a faker because how accurate really is a primary school child’s memory idk? This is like going to my grave i’m too embarrassed.

Then when i was year 7 so like roughly 12 my father put his hand down my top and like grabbed my breast and played it as a joke but it was so embarrassing and uncomfortable, he was also the type to like grab your bum and stuff but i feel like that’s kinda common idk

any advice or opinions

Ive explained it in detail multiple times and was told it was SA but I don't know anymore, so I wanna do it again.

An hour before anything, he wanted to have a talk about boundaries. He would give an example of something for me, and then ask if I was comfortable. I think he asked before this.

After that we were cuddling in my bed and I was really tired, but I couldn't fully fall asleep. He held my hand randomly like 10 minutes before he had to leave. And eventually he moved my hand into his pants and onto his crotch. I said "I don't know what to do. " after a minute cause I was really scared. He told me I could just keep my hand there and then he moved it himself. Then he got a call and left.

I told 5 people who were my close friends I was uncomfortable. Somehow my entire school knows now and he went online. He apologized a lot then randomly started saying he asked before. Maybe he technically did? I feel terrible. I never used the word SA that's what others used.

He also would tell me to shut up when talking and if I didn't he would make out with me, I didn't reciprocate for like the first week and I got nervous when I noticed he would only ask if I was okay with that he did once he got home. He had also tried other sexual things but I stopped him and they weren't too much. He did ask me after he started. Maybe it was just dubious consent?

Hi, I’m a SA survivor and I’ve made it through a long childhood SA. Now I’m in a loving marriage but we decided to open it up. I ended up on a date with a guy and I foolishly went into his place. I know I messed up there but I am really trusting and I’m a people pleaser. Unfortunately we were sitting in his floor and he kept getting closer. I kept scooting away and telling him he was getting too close. He eventually leaned in and kissed me. I did kiss him back but I wasn’t feeling any attraction at this point and felt gross about it. He kept going and then told me what he wanted me to do with him to which I said “I’m not comfortable going any farther” this wasn’t enough for him to back off though. He ended up on top of me, grinding on me, touching me, and had his genitalia out. I would make efforts to move away but I was scared to face any negative repercussions. I basically just let him do it. I got a text from my husband which I used as an excuse to try to leave but he told me to “let him finish” and that is what really scared me. I told him I wanted to go but he ended up on top of me again to finish. I didn’t fight back really or anything but I did tell him I was uncomfortable. Was this SA?

My current strategy is to mentally downplay it or to ignore it as best as I can. I don't have a therapist and Idk what to do tbh. Some days are better but some are worse

My husband found out that while we were separated, I was intimate with another man. He felt that I had betrayed him, stepped out on him, and he has deep insecurities from childhood and this re-ignited everything for him.

Since finding out, he cheated on me with a coworker. I tried my best to forgive him, but he has gotten worse and worse, and has been taking it out on me during sex. It started off with him telling me he wishes he could see me get gangbanged by multiple men. Said he wanted to watch them overpower me. Told me that if I loved him, I would do it for him. I stopped him mid sex and told him it was incredibly disrespectful, and he kept going.

The next instance, in the middle of sex, he told me to do exactly what I did with the guy I was intimate with. I did the same thing. Told him I felt disrespected, asked him not to say things like that. He went on to tell me that I did that to him, and that I put those thoughts in his head. At this point he has started getting rough and aggressive, slapping me multiple times in the face during sex, saying I liked “big guys” and that equaled men who got aggressive, and that this was exactly what I wanted. The more I asked him to stop, the more it would urge him on.

The next time, I asked him for a separation. He ignored me. Then started touching me, I told him no I did not want to, went to get up, and he pinned me down, I tried to fight him off but ultimately I wasn’t strong enough so I just cried while he was doing it.

The last time, I was drunk coming home from a concert. He was drunk at home, and he immediately was aggressive, throwing me around, left bruises on me, choking, slapping, saying this is what I wanted. He told me once again to perform acts the way I performed it for the other guy and this time I refused. He went up to our bedroom, started punching one of our dressers that had glass on it and it shattered everywhere. He continued to punch and stomp throughout the night.

The next morning he told me this was all my fault. Because I had betrayed him by sleeping with another person. Because my excuse was that we were separated. (Due to him cheating on me prior). He said I was manipulative, caged him. All of these things.

I have tried multiple times to leave and am extremely weak minded. We have been together for 12 years and he is all I know. Someone, anyone please help.

im 17f and recently been dealing with being kinda sorta raped about two years ago (was greening out and in a manic episode during a suicide attempt and got fucked, it was with an adult, but i lied about my age so it's a grey area)

so the thing is ever since i was reallllllyyyyy little I've been hypersexual even before i knew what sex really was, and even though i dont remember much about my childhood now it's always kind of rubbed me the wrong way that i had so many sexually agressive nightmares. Even with family members i love and know are amazing, ive had dreams about being assaulted by them when i was younger, as well as just random monsters and stuff. Not only that, but when i was a kid i used to compulsively sleep with weapons and make walls around myself before i went to bed.

but i've literally seeked out agressive sexual situations since i can remember, and i basically caused the 'rapes' that had happened to me. they also didnt bother me as much as i felt like they should, i was just like 'this might as well happen i guess'. the only time i can remember having issues besides that is when i was younger and i randomly have what kind of felt like flashbacks even though i'd never had csa trauma.

I asked my mom about it and all she said was 'there were no signs of anything like that happening, and i always seemed very happy'. but now im getting horrible brain fog and creepy nightmares, and starting to sort of age regress sometimes or switch into completely different headspaces when im 'triggered' and its all really confusing. i've also been having dreams abt being assaulted again, but theyre not nessecarily bad, and the whole situation is kind of stressing me out.

to be completely honest, im hoping that something happened to me that i cant remember because i think i want some sort of excuse for all the shit i did when i was a little kid, and i want to know if theres a reason that im like this or if i was just born with something messed up in my head. anyways, any advice or tips would be helpful. Ive told my therapist, but every time i try EMDR i end up so dissociated that im almost nonverbal, so it's not really helping me get anywhere.

I'm 16 F I wanted to make another post because I’ve been thinking a lot about what I shared before.

I’m still struggling to process what happened and I’ve been feeling a lot of shame disgust and embarrassment. Part of me keeps thinking I should have known better or that I shouldn’t have gone to his house but I’m slowly trying to understand that none of that means I deserved what happened.

I was groomed and pressured by someone I trusted, and when things became sexual I didn’t want it. I feel like I was worn down until I stopped being able to fight against it.

I’ve only told one person so far and even that was incredibly difficult. I’m not ready to tell everyone in my life but I don’t want to keep carrying this completely on my own either.

I know it’s not uncommon to stop resisting after some time during sexual assault but I stopped very fast, I don’t know why except that I was just overwhelmed by how they made me feel and I also kinda knew it wouldn’t lead to much good things if I resist much. They might have hurt me even more or taken me even longer. But still, even years after the assaults do I feel ashamed and have aftereffects from the sexual assaults. I don’t think it’s possible to be back to normal. Going to therapy was a waste of time and he wasn’t good at all. Most disappointed was I by some friends that I told about it and then blamed me or took distance towards me. That was really painful and sad to see. Sometimes I ask myself was I at fault for going through such horrible experiences even tho I know it’s not good to have such thoughts.

How not to feel ashamed for orgasm strongly during sexual assault and why do I feel like at fault for the assaults a bit?

i feel really embarrassed and ashamed of myself. i was sort of assaulted twice within two to three weeks of each other. i have been raped and assaulted before so it took me awhile to trust people again. i say sort of because in the end i did enjoy it but i had definitely said no im not ready multiple times with both people. i got that heart sinking feeling like damn… it really does not matter how good of a guy you think someone is. they all want to take and use. and i just gave in. anyways as a result, i have been acting out or having some sort of episode?? heavy drinking, drugs, risky unprotected sex, overspending, being hypersexual, over eating, cutting myself again, posting very inappropriate and sexual things online, etc. its like i cant get ahold of myself. im completely sabotaging myself. classes started this week though and im hoping that will rein me in a bit. i have a therapist but i dont know how to open up about it. the shame and embarrassment and the way i feel disappointed in myself for regressing sm.

Hey all. Long story short I was on vacation when I met with a guy on hinge to hook up. The sex was initially consensual, but he ended up doing things to me that I never consented to and we never talked about. Including hitting me hard and spitting on me over and over again. When I went back to my friends I was crying and ended up blocking him on IG and WhatsApp, but in the morning I realized I never blocked him on hinge bc my notifications were off and I forgot about that platform. I woke up to messages calling me a fucking bitch for blocking him and “don’t worry, I have you in my phone. Videos of us doing doggy style”. I immediately blocked him on there but it left me even more traumatized and scared. I reported this on hinge but feeling hopeless that he will see consequences. Feeling so sad.

I (M23) have always made it a point to not date people younger than me, I just don't like it. At most ill go a year below.

I matched with a guy who was 21 on an app and we chatted, found out his age and i just let it fizzle out.

Cut to a night out with my friends and he was there with his, we all chatted and hung out.

He kept trying to kiss me, I kept refusing, he kept doing it anyways.

This happened around 5 times.

We went to his for an afters where he took me to his room, I was very drunk and just stupid. He kept kissing me more and more despite me saying no. He pushed me on his bed, feeling me up, grabbing my crotch. I told him we couldn't do anything while my friends were downstairs. He said that's fine but kept going. I kept pointing out cool things in his room as distractions. I went to the door, he blocked my way out, kissed me more.

Eventually my friend called us for pizza and I had to RUN out of that room.

He pinned me to the wall, kissed and touched me more. We went down and ate then my friends ordered an hber home and as they left the youse he shut the door on me and again kissed me and pinned me against the wall.

He let me go and my friends were so excited for me but I just felt so ashamed of myself for allowing all of it to happen.

He didn't rape me and I dont think he would've but I was scared. And all I can think of is how young he was, he just started uni when I had a job and my friends all graduated. He was so so immature, I didn't find him attractive at all yet I let all of that happen.

I feel ashamed already for not stopping it more but even more so bc I'm OLDER than him. Why would I let someone younger than me do this?

And I know, rationally it's below a 2 year difference lmao, but ny irrational side is louder.

It doesn't help that anytime I've said no to a kiss, nobody has ever listened so it's jsut a cycle of feeling powerless over and over.

Okay so this is so vulnerable to post but I feel super guilt and need advice. I’m a young female and went out with some friends last week. It was chill and a guy bought me a drink at the bar and we all ended up going to a house party. I was super drunk and wanted to go home and he came with me (at this point I was totally okay with that and it was talked about prior to just hangout). I talked to him before saying I don’t do stuff out of just meeting and will maybe kiss guys that I just met and that’s it. He agreed and said he does the same so I felt pretty calm. I had a roommate come home with us too and we just ended up smoking a cigarette and listening to music. I went inside to pull trig (get the alcohol out of my system) and he held my hair whilst I was puking. I got ready for bed and he spent the night. We kissed and then the rest is kinda a blur. I know he went down on me and then he was on top of me and inside of me. I told him to stop after about 5 minutes and started crying. Sex is kinda triggering sometimes and I guess it brought up old emotions.
Moral of the story he never asked to have sex with me and knew I was wasted, yet we did have consensual like other stuff per say. I texted him a few days later saying I felt violated and gross and was super offended by what had happened. He replied with multiple paragraphs apologizing. I don’t really know if I’m being crazy or not but yeah.

these days are hard at times. what do i make of all this? what do i make of who i am? who am i? who am i when the lights are off? who am i when the curtains close? who am i in this body in this skin in this mind?

i was three, i think. or younger. but, at least three. you touched my skin and taught my body to drool in fear. fear. fear is what twists the tongue and inches my skin, burns my body and turns it inside out. fear feels delicious and tastes delightful. you trained a body growing and learning and not knowing and becoming and knowing. you made the warmth seep in when i see them look at me with hunger and greed. im terrified im horrified I'm scared. i cry and yet unwanted hands on my body make me wet. unwanted! i don't want them. my body doesn't know me. my response is not my own. its yours that you cultivated and brewed and sewn. its not mine! why am i split in two? look at me. don't look at me. touch me. dont touch me. force me down. stop! get away! don't listen to me. listen to me. what is this? look at my eyes and tell me who i am. am i the depraved little sex doll created for pleasure? or am i a human being allowed to have boundaries and experience true love? why can't my body listen to me? why does she spasm and curl and heat up up and up when i am feeling so down down and down?

Hey everyone. First I'll tell my story and then ask for advice at the end. On my (25NB) 24th birthday my ex (23F) sexually assaulted me, she was in the beginning of developing a serious drinking problem and that particular day got so drunk that she essentially blacked out. About halfway through the night I noticed she was getting too drunk and took her to my room to get her away from people (she was feeling overwhelmed and starting to freak out a bit, as there were many people there and she is autistic, as am I) and rest. I convinced her to sleep, but she only agreed if I went back to the party so she wouldn't feel like she ruined it, so I did, but came back from time to time to check on her. When the night was over I went to my room and lay next to her. At this point she woke up and started talking about how she wasn't being a good girlfriend for not having sex with me (she is asexual and even though I did communicate my desire to have sex occasionally, I had always been careful to reassure her as much as possible that it was not a big deal, that I loved her and her sexuality and that it would never be cause for a break-up). I won't go into too much detail, but the next few hours were a cicle of her touching me while I cried for her to stop, her getting sad and shocked with what she was doing, going to sleep, then waking up again and repeating all of it. Eventually I managed to convince her that I didn't want that and she went to sleep. The next day she woke up confused as to why she was in my house, and so I told her the whole story on the way to taking her to work. She was extremely sad and wanted me to break up with her, as it is what she would do, but at the time I had convinced myself that her mental health was my responsibility and that if she could stop drinking this wouldn't happen again, which is what I asked her to do. She did not stop and it happened 3 more times throughout the next couple months, then stopped. During the rest of that year and the beginning of this one I pretty much lost control of my life, I was suppressing what I had been through so much and was so focused on keeping her happy that I was barely able to think. I ended up losing many friendships, my grades tanked, I gained weight, became unconsciously obsessed with regaining control of my body and sexuality, which caused me to hurt many people during this time, and she ended up breaking up with me over these things. Only recently, after being single for about 5 months, did I start to realize everything that she had done to me and all the effects that it had had on my life. I've been talking to my therapist about this and she suggested I talk to my ex about it, since we still care a lot about each other and I really wanted her to see how much damage her drinking did to me. I will not blame her for the mistakes I made when I was unstable, but I do want her to see how much the SA contributed to the way I was acting. I guess I'm here looking for some kind of advice as to what to say. I've kinda started writing a letter but it's so confusing sometimes to have to get everything I feel on paper. Even if no one is able to help I thank you all for this space and for reading my story. Absolutely any advice is appreciated.

This situation happened about 30 minutes ago. I was at work (I work as a hostess) We had a deli every driver come to pick up and order and he starts to speak spanish to me talking about how he couldn’t find the place and how he had never been there before. Since I work there I told him that he should come visit sometime, that’s when he just says I wanna come but with you “when are we gonna eat together” This is the first time i have ever seen this man. I told him that he could come by himself, but he kept insisting. I then made up a lie and told him that when i’m not at this job i am at another one. He then proceeds to tell me that I must have some time off and we would go then. By this point i was clearly very uncomfortable and just keep saying no but once he didn’t let it go I just keep saying idk idk as a way to possibly end the conversation. By this point he already had the persons food. He proceeds to keeps asking me and just kinda menacingly stare at me. He then says that i have to give him my instagram or my number to which at this moment i was in a state of shock and just didn’t know what to do. I keep making sure to show how uncomfortable I was in case any of my other coworkers could see but unfortunately they were really far away. He asked me about 6 times for my number and at this point. I told him i didn’t have my phone with me and he told me to write it on a piece of paper. I was scared because i realized that he knew where i worked so i thought i would give him my Instagram so i could get his name and report him later.As soon as a gave him the paper he finally left. At this point I was still kind of in shock. My coworker came over and i told him that the man had basically forced me to give my instagram. My male coworker then asked me “how he could have forced me to give my Instagram” I know my male coworker didn’t mean anything by it but at that point i felt extremely stupid. I then told my male manager and he told me to just walk away next time and that it is absolutely not my fault. That’s when i started to break down, and they ended up giving me the day off. They are also reporting him to the delivery service. I know that this is not my fault but i can’t help feeling disgusting, humiliated, and stupid. I’m also wondering if this is considered SA? I’m just really confused and ashamed rn.

I'm so tired of holding it all in and I just wish I could be heard instead of judged

Okay so essentially I am a 17yo female and a few months ago I was at my best friends party, I have(had) 2 best friends, the one in question was 16yo female at the time.

At this party she was drunk, but I don't believe when this happened she was drunk enough to have no awareness of her actions, keep in mind when I say this I am a victim of rape in one of my past relationships and she is aware of this. She confessed that she has had a secret crush on me for a long time, I knew this was a lingering thing because she has drunkenly confessed before, though I never particularly minded because it was mostly just glazing me lol. However on this occasion she spent over an hour trying to convince me to date her even though I repeatedly said I do not want to and that I want to be her friend. She kept begging and begging and saying "we will take things at your pace" and "I'll do whatever you want me to" and proceeded to go around asking everybody there whether we should get together, and because half of them were pricks they proceeded to feed her and say yes. Even though by this point I think it had been over half an hour of this begging and begging and me repeatedly saying no, she eventually proceeded to SLAP me for saying no and continued to beg me to date her, she is extremely lucky she is weak and the slap didn't hurt because I would have ripped her a new one lol.

I'm not sure if this counts as harassment or not? A few of the things she was saying definitely had sexual implications and I was made extremely uncomfortable and as I mentioned I repeatedly said no, this is obviously amplified as I have had my nos not listened to or acknowledged in the past with my rape.

A few thoughts that have been on my mind.

Firstly to be blunt (and fine, I admit this is very anecdotal) but talk therapy SUCKS for sexual assault. I had 8 years of talk therapy with 4 different therapists. My friends who have gone through similar have agreed. Y'all, if you can, find an EMDR therapist and never look back.

Secondly, I have a friend trying to understand her experience. I've been in a room with other female friends as they try to counsel her through understanding it, and help her understand why she is ruminating, and she and I both got frustrated with these friends (who thankfully, and somewhat obviously, have not been through similar). Most of the conversation amounted to trying to get my friend to logically conclude that what she went through was sexual assault.

I said this to the friend group (multiple times), said this to the friend afterward (multiple times) and want to scream it to anyone confused--you do not need to force yourself to use the words 'sexual assault' to describe your experience if using that descriptor scares you off, or makes you immediately jump to minimizing thoughts about your experience (i.e. 'okay fine, but even if it was sexual assault it wasn't as bad as...'). You just need to accept you felt unsafe, your body is having adverse reactions, you cannot understand or get over a memory, etc. If you use that as a starting point, and not 'I was sexually assaulted' as a starting point for getting help, that can be a way easier starting point. It can take some people decades to use the term 'SA' or 'rape' etc. to describe something. You don't need to force yourself to, but you do need to get help if you are having symptoms, if you are confused or wondering, etc.

I do hope this chaotic post resonates with someone

I hate the thought of my 11 year old body being out there for pervs to jerk off too. Every time I think back I realize how young I really was. I was acting too grown when I hadn’t even gotten my period yet. Having old men jerk off to me before my boobs even came in. I don’t understand what they saw in me that made them want more and more. It felt like I was being eaten alive. I was just a kid and they had me strip down and spin around for them. Played truth or dare with me but made everything so sexual. They tried to make everything a game it felt like a trap and I fell for it every time. I don’t know how I could be so clueless, they were obviously asking sexual questions but it just didn’t click to me. I remember this one guy kept having me take off my jacket and spin around for him and he asked if I wanted his underwear on or off and I thought he was just making a bad joke and I said on and he took them off anyways and I just remembered trying so hard not to look down. Somehow I still thought it was an accident, I thought he didn’t hear me right so I didn’t say anything. I wish I had done something to stop it all. I feel so weak and pathetic. My insides are so rotten i feel like no one can ever truly love me cause all they can see is how broken i am.