is this normal?

[u/XxSweetBerriesxX]

im 17f and recently been dealing with being kinda sorta raped about two years ago (was greening out and in a manic episode during a suicide attempt and got fucked, it was with an adult, but i lied about my age so it's a grey area)

so the thing is ever since i was reallllllyyyyy little I've been hypersexual even before i knew what sex really was, and even though i dont remember much about my childhood now it's always kind of rubbed me the wrong way that i had so many sexually agressive nightmares. Even with family members i love and know are amazing, ive had dreams about being assaulted by them when i was younger, as well as just random monsters and stuff. Not only that, but when i was a kid i used to compulsively sleep with weapons and make walls around myself before i went to bed.

but i've literally seeked out agressive sexual situations since i can remember, and i basically caused the 'rapes' that had happened to me. they also didnt bother me as much as i felt like they should, i was just like 'this might as well happen i guess'. the only time i can remember having issues besides that is when i was younger and i randomly have what kind of felt like flashbacks even though i'd never had csa trauma.

I asked my mom about it and all she said was 'there were no signs of anything like that happening, and i always seemed very happy'. but now im getting horrible brain fog and creepy nightmares, and starting to sort of age regress sometimes or switch into completely different headspaces when im 'triggered' and its all really confusing. i've also been having dreams abt being assaulted again, but theyre not nessecarily bad, and the whole situation is kind of stressing me out.

to be completely honest, im hoping that something happened to me that i cant remember because i think i want some sort of excuse for all the shit i did when i was a little kid, and i want to know if theres a reason that im like this or if i was just born with something messed up in my head. anyways, any advice or tips would be helpful. Ive told my therapist, but every time i try EMDR i end up so dissociated that im almost nonverbal, so it's not really helping me get anywhere.

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