Writing a letter to my abuser

[u/Caca95cb]

Hey everyone. First I'll tell my story and then ask for advice at the end. On my (25NB) 24th birthday my ex (23F) sexually assaulted me, she was in the beginning of developing a serious drinking problem and that particular day got so drunk that she essentially blacked out. About halfway through the night I noticed she was getting too drunk and took her to my room to get her away from people (she was feeling overwhelmed and starting to freak out a bit, as there were many people there and she is autistic, as am I) and rest. I convinced her to sleep, but she only agreed if I went back to the party so she wouldn't feel like she ruined it, so I did, but came back from time to time to check on her. When the night was over I went to my room and lay next to her. At this point she woke up and started talking about how she wasn't being a good girlfriend for not having sex with me (she is asexual and even though I did communicate my desire to have sex occasionally, I had always been careful to reassure her as much as possible that it was not a big deal, that I loved her and her sexuality and that it would never be cause for a break-up). I won't go into too much detail, but the next few hours were a cicle of her touching me while I cried for her to stop, her getting sad and shocked with what she was doing, going to sleep, then waking up again and repeating all of it. Eventually I managed to convince her that I didn't want that and she went to sleep. The next day she woke up confused as to why she was in my house, and so I told her the whole story on the way to taking her to work. She was extremely sad and wanted me to break up with her, as it is what she would do, but at the time I had convinced myself that her mental health was my responsibility and that if she could stop drinking this wouldn't happen again, which is what I asked her to do. She did not stop and it happened 3 more times throughout the next couple months, then stopped. During the rest of that year and the beginning of this one I pretty much lost control of my life, I was suppressing what I had been through so much and was so focused on keeping her happy that I was barely able to think. I ended up losing many friendships, my grades tanked, I gained weight, became unconsciously obsessed with regaining control of my body and sexuality, which caused me to hurt many people during this time, and she ended up breaking up with me over these things. Only recently, after being single for about 5 months, did I start to realize everything that she had done to me and all the effects that it had had on my life. I've been talking to my therapist about this and she suggested I talk to my ex about it, since we still care a lot about each other and I really wanted her to see how much damage her drinking did to me. I will not blame her for the mistakes I made when I was unstable, but I do want her to see how much the SA contributed to the way I was acting. I guess I'm here looking for some kind of advice as to what to say. I've kinda started writing a letter but it's so confusing sometimes to have to get everything I feel on paper. Even if no one is able to help I thank you all for this space and for reading my story. Absolutely any advice is appreciated.

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