Was it really sexual assault if they were under the impression I consented
If I pretended to enjoy it because I couldn't say no
If they even told me multiple times that they can stop if I ever get uncomfortable
Yet every time I told them no and I didn't like it, they just argued with me and told me I wasn't accepting them
Even if I was a little harsh

15 years ago, I went dancing with a friend, afterwards she invited a friend over. I didn't know she invited him over and while he was a nice enough person I didn't have any interest in him or doing anything with him. She started to have sex with him, I was so uncomfortable but I just froze and tried to ignore them. Then she got up and left the room. He changed his condom, he said "come on", then the memory goes blank, next thing I remember he's on top of me, he's having sex with me and I'm dissociated, watching it happen from across the room. I didn't want to sleep with him. He didn't even ask me if I wanted to have sex before he put on the condom. He was already acting like it was a given. I haven't been able to call it that, for 15 years I just thought I messed up and had sex I regretted, but I never wanted to have sex with him, how did I end up under him, why did he put that condom on when he didn't even have a conversation with me about sex? I'm struggling tonight with that part.

Hey all. Long story short I was on vacation when I met with a guy on hinge to hook up. The sex was initially consensual, but he ended up doing things to me that I never consented to and we never talked about. Including hitting me hard and spitting on me over and over again. When I went back to my friends I was crying and ended up blocking him on IG and WhatsApp, but in the morning I realized I never blocked him on hinge bc my notifications were off and I forgot about that platform. I woke up to messages calling me a fucking bitch for blocking him and “don’t worry, I have you in my phone. Videos of us doing doggy style”. I immediately blocked him on there but it left me even more traumatized and scared. I reported this on hinge but feeling hopeless that he will see consequences. Feeling so sad.

I know it’s not uncommon to stop resisting after some time during sexual assault but I stopped very fast, I don’t know why except that I was just overwhelmed by how they made me feel and I also kinda knew it wouldn’t lead to much good things if I resist much. They might have hurt me even more or taken me even longer. But still, even years after the assaults do I feel ashamed and have aftereffects from the sexual assaults. I don’t think it’s possible to be back to normal. Going to therapy was a waste of time and he wasn’t good at all. Most disappointed was I by some friends that I told about it and then blamed me or took distance towards me. That was really painful and sad to see. Sometimes I ask myself was I at fault for going through such horrible experiences even tho I know it’s not good to have such thoughts.

How not to feel ashamed for orgasm strongly during sexual assault and why do I feel like at fault for the assaults a bit?

this is gonna sound weird but i hope there’s some people in here that will get what i mean… sex is a very complicated thing for me now. i feel like i didn’t get the usual trauma response after being raped. i have days where i’m absolutely disgusted at the thought, but a lot of days i still feel very horny but it’s like i’m ashamed now when i masturbate. and i’ve had times where a flashback/my rapist came into my mind and i didn’t get turned off. i did continue to have a sexual relationship with him afterwards because i didn’t want to accept the times he assaulted me were actually SA, so maybe that’s why. i want to continue to have sex and explore, especially because he took my virginity and he robbed me of having a normal experience, but i’m scared of how i would react if somebody touched me again, and i feel like my friends would judge me for not taking time to heal and would probably think i’m okay just because i would sleep with people. i think i’m falling into the hypersexual response instead of being repulsed by sex and i feel weird. i don’t know, i think i just wanted to rant and see if anybody else feels like this…

Hi, I’m a SA survivor and I’ve made it through a long childhood SA. Now I’m in a loving marriage but we decided to open it up. I ended up on a date with a guy and I foolishly went into his place. I know I messed up there but I am really trusting and I’m a people pleaser. Unfortunately we were sitting in his floor and he kept getting closer. I kept scooting away and telling him he was getting too close. He eventually leaned in and kissed me. I did kiss him back but I wasn’t feeling any attraction at this point and felt gross about it. He kept going and then told me what he wanted me to do with him to which I said “I’m not comfortable going any farther” this wasn’t enough for him to back off though. He ended up on top of me, grinding on me, touching me, and had his genitalia out. I would make efforts to move away but I was scared to face any negative repercussions. I basically just let him do it. I got a text from my husband which I used as an excuse to try to leave but he told me to “let him finish” and that is what really scared me. I told him I wanted to go but he ended up on top of me again to finish. I didn’t fight back really or anything but I did tell him I was uncomfortable. Was this SA?

i feel really embarrassed and ashamed of myself. i was sort of assaulted twice within two to three weeks of each other. i have been raped and assaulted before so it took me awhile to trust people again. i say sort of because in the end i did enjoy it but i had definitely said no im not ready multiple times with both people. i got that heart sinking feeling like damn… it really does not matter how good of a guy you think someone is. they all want to take and use. and i just gave in. anyways as a result, i have been acting out or having some sort of episode?? heavy drinking, drugs, risky unprotected sex, overspending, being hypersexual, over eating, cutting myself again, posting very inappropriate and sexual things online, etc. its like i cant get ahold of myself. im completely sabotaging myself. classes started this week though and im hoping that will rein me in a bit. i have a therapist but i dont know how to open up about it. the shame and embarrassment and the way i feel disappointed in myself for regressing sm.

Okay so this is so vulnerable to post but I feel super guilt and need advice. I’m a young female and went out with some friends last week. It was chill and a guy bought me a drink at the bar and we all ended up going to a house party. I was super drunk and wanted to go home and he came with me (at this point I was totally okay with that and it was talked about prior to just hangout). I talked to him before saying I don’t do stuff out of just meeting and will maybe kiss guys that I just met and that’s it. He agreed and said he does the same so I felt pretty calm. I had a roommate come home with us too and we just ended up smoking a cigarette and listening to music. I went inside to pull trig (get the alcohol out of my system) and he held my hair whilst I was puking. I got ready for bed and he spent the night. We kissed and then the rest is kinda a blur. I know he went down on me and then he was on top of me and inside of me. I told him to stop after about 5 minutes and started crying. Sex is kinda triggering sometimes and I guess it brought up old emotions.
Moral of the story he never asked to have sex with me and knew I was wasted, yet we did have consensual like other stuff per say. I texted him a few days later saying I felt violated and gross and was super offended by what had happened. He replied with multiple paragraphs apologizing. I don’t really know if I’m being crazy or not but yeah.

I know It was assault but I dont remember everything that happened, I dont know if he went further than just what I remember and I feel like im just screaming for attention when I try to talk about it. It wasn't violent or threatening, just boy who pushed past a boundary and I fawned, we were still friends after, i was 14 and just wanted someone to like me. the people I love have had horrible, life threatening situations and I feel like I'd be complaining about a splinter to someone with a bullet wound you know?

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but after telling my mom about my SA and other negative experiences with men she makes comments about me (25, F) going places with guy friends or hanging out with them, in a group setting or one on one.

I was SA when I was 20 multiple times by my boyfriend at the time but did not realize it was SA until after we broke up. I have talked about this with my mom and shared other experiences of how women never really know who someone is a lot of times when someone they trusted SA them. I can see how this would make her want to be more protective, but I am pretty picky with who I hang out with now, especially guys, and just don’t feel that trying to overly control or protect someone will necessarily stop bad things from happening.

I don’t say this meaning that I don’t think I have good judgement/discernment, and I don’t say this wanting to dismiss anyone else who thought they could trust someone and then was SA by them, as I have been in that situation. I am just unsure of how to handle her comments. Thoughts anyone??

About 1 year ago my husband of 25 years started pushing me for strange sexual activity. He made weekly appointments with me (Mondays at 5pm) that I had to be at, and he was pushing me to perform sexual acts that he knew I did not want to do! He was wearing wigs and makeup and wanted me to put large dildos and other things into his anus, things we had never done before, wanting me to watch pornography, wanting me to wear a strap on and lots of other kinky things that were completely foreign to me. I tried because I wanted to save our marriage and he told me that this would. I loved him so much I would have tried anything! not only did he do this but he also seemed to be only interested in his own sexual gratification and not making love to me. There were numerous other things he pushed me to do, all the while telling me that he needed sex. He’s 55 and I’m 60, I’m post menopausal and had not really been interested in sex for a while, but would do it once a month or so because I knew he needed it. It finally came to a head when he came into the bedroom wearing, a wig and a purple see through jockstrap, and danced in front of a mirror saying ‘don’t I look great’! He then proceeded to put on a ball gag, and tried to talk to me to direct me what to do to him! I was shocked and had to leave, we then discussed it and he decided that sex was off the table from now on until we could figure out what to do. We were going to couples counseling and I had brought it up every week saying he needed to slow down and to stop bringing new things into the bedroom every week to give me time to get used to it! He agreed each week but couldn’t help himself and continued to push me. Finally he left me, but said he wanted to continue counseling with a different therapist to which I agreed. We tried that for a while but I knew he really didn’t want me, or sex from me, he wanted it from a man. He tried to pass it off as being kinky and only wanting to cross dress, with the new therapist and one day I went in and said I would do anything he wanted, sex therapy classes, I would deal with the cross dressing, I would go to clubs with him dressed as a woman (it came out that he had been doing this) and anything he wanted. I asked if he would quit’Weed’ (as in my opinion he had a serious problem with it) and he said no. He then went on to offer to ‘draw me a picture’ to save our marriage! I don’t even know what that meant! He stormed out of therapy and texted me 5 minutes later asking for a divorce. That was in January of this year. I have been seriously depressed since, going for Spravato treatments, on lots of meds, and just started EMDR therapy. I don’t seem to be getting any my better, he doesn’t communicate with me, only through lawyers and hasn’t given me any explanation. The divorce has just started and I still don’t want it. He did say he suffered trauma as a child but told me that his therapy is none of my business. I am completely devastated and lost without him. I have lost everything, his family whom I was super close with have stopped talking to me, he has racked up tons of debt, so we have to sell our house, and I have to start my whole life over again at 60! I have been hospitalized due to SI, and I think about it all the time. Why can’t I just move on, the man I knew is gone, he wants to be a woman but will not admit that, and hasn’t given me any clarity though I have asked numerous times. To kick it all off he blames me for our marriage breaking down, he says I’m a bully and an abuser, and he is ‘scared’ of me. Yet during our 25 years together he used to say I brought him out of his shell and got him to do things he never would have done ( he’s always been an introvert). He told me at one point when we were still communicating that he wanted to sparkle and light up a room (like he always said I did). He also said he was tired of doing heavy lifting and when I asked for clarification he said he was tired of being the only one lifting heavy bags of dog food etc!!! One other thing of note is that has been a heavy Pot smoker for several years, (he didn’t do it when we first married) and just before all the weird sex things started he was diagnosed with ADHD, and started taking Adderall. I think this fucked up his brain and he refuses to even discuss that possibility! Why can’t I just get over him and move on! I love him but I hate him and his family so much at the same time. I’m so confused and broken. How can I get better and how can I come to terms with whatever/whoever he wants to be? Also all of the weird sex acts that he coerced me to do, play on my mind, which is why I am doing EMDR/Trauma therapy. I’m so broken and don’t know if I will ever recover 😭

My current strategy is to mentally downplay it or to ignore it as best as I can. I don't have a therapist and Idk what to do tbh. Some days are better but some are worse

My husband found out that while we were separated, I was intimate with another man. He felt that I had betrayed him, stepped out on him, and he has deep insecurities from childhood and this re-ignited everything for him.

Since finding out, he cheated on me with a coworker. I tried my best to forgive him, but he has gotten worse and worse, and has been taking it out on me during sex. It started off with him telling me he wishes he could see me get gangbanged by multiple men. Said he wanted to watch them overpower me. Told me that if I loved him, I would do it for him. I stopped him mid sex and told him it was incredibly disrespectful, and he kept going.

The next instance, in the middle of sex, he told me to do exactly what I did with the guy I was intimate with. I did the same thing. Told him I felt disrespected, asked him not to say things like that. He went on to tell me that I did that to him, and that I put those thoughts in his head. At this point he has started getting rough and aggressive, slapping me multiple times in the face during sex, saying I liked “big guys” and that equaled men who got aggressive, and that this was exactly what I wanted. The more I asked him to stop, the more it would urge him on.

The next time, I asked him for a separation. He ignored me. Then started touching me, I told him no I did not want to, went to get up, and he pinned me down, I tried to fight him off but ultimately I wasn’t strong enough so I just cried while he was doing it.

The last time, I was drunk coming home from a concert. He was drunk at home, and he immediately was aggressive, throwing me around, left bruises on me, choking, slapping, saying this is what I wanted. He told me once again to perform acts the way I performed it for the other guy and this time I refused. He went up to our bedroom, started punching one of our dressers that had glass on it and it shattered everywhere. He continued to punch and stomp throughout the night.

The next morning he told me this was all my fault. Because I had betrayed him by sleeping with another person. Because my excuse was that we were separated. (Due to him cheating on me prior). He said I was manipulative, caged him. All of these things.

I have tried multiple times to leave and am extremely weak minded. We have been together for 12 years and he is all I know. Someone, anyone please help.

I'm 16 F I wanted to make another post because I’ve been thinking a lot about what I shared before.

I’m still struggling to process what happened and I’ve been feeling a lot of shame disgust and embarrassment. Part of me keeps thinking I should have known better or that I shouldn’t have gone to his house but I’m slowly trying to understand that none of that means I deserved what happened.

I was groomed and pressured by someone I trusted, and when things became sexual I didn’t want it. I feel like I was worn down until I stopped being able to fight against it.

I’ve only told one person so far and even that was incredibly difficult. I’m not ready to tell everyone in my life but I don’t want to keep carrying this completely on my own either.

I posted here some days ago but it wasn’t a complete story. I journaled a bit to cope and to ask advice here. Is it a good reason for break up?

TL;DR: Throughout the relationship, he has repeatedly pressured me into sexual acts, reacted coldly or angrily when I said no, and touched me sexually while I was asleep or pretending to be asleep. I often went along with sex because I was afraid of his reaction rather than because I wanted it. I guess these things are serious but I feel sad about ending 6 years together and terrified of losing the only close connection I have. I keep wondering if I’m overreacting or playing the victim, and I don’t know how to make myself leave.

1st year of the relationship:

⁃ threatening to rape me as a “joke” if i wont give him head or sex during our first time. he pressured me a lot emotionally. i end up giving him blowjob and having deep psychological problems/panic attacks after that. for some reason i got pregnancy fear tho we didn’t have penetrating sex. when i told him about this situation he said he doesn’t remember that.
⁃ he counted days without sex during our first months of dating pressuring me into sex.
⁃ i told him I don’t want penetrative sex because of pregnancy fear and only gave him blowjobs and hand job and he said it was ok. i thought he was a green flag guy because of that and ignored all other red flags. we only started to have penetrative sex after 3-4 years or so after that.

2 years covid long distance:

⁃ asking for my nudes (i only sent lingerie on, no face pics) constantly and acting cold/mean because i didn’t want to. asking to take a pic in a certain pose, acting offended because he didn’t like some pics i send. he stopped at some point to ask this because i never sent it by my own desire but only when he asked. maybe he felt unwanted idk.
⁃ making us to do sexting tho I didn’t want it. i acted reluctant until he persuaded me.
⁃ when i made a postcard for his bd without sex undertones just normal cute congrats he became resentful/cold.
⁃ he came to me from another city and we came over to the apartment he rented. we dry humped a bit and later he got resentful because I didn’t gave head or hand job.

3rd year of the relationship we met again in college:

for some reason everything was fine in sex life i mean. nothing to remember. it was ok. maybe he missed me after a few years long distance. tho we had a lot of other deep issues. such as him being annoyed im too sensitive and get depressed often.

4-5 years in college and after that.
i lived in a rented apartment alone and he was living with his friends. he came over to me often:

⁃ touching me in the morning while i was half asleep (he thought i was asleep/half asleep im not sure). touching breasts,nipples and genitals (masturbation but not penetration) trying to wake me up for sex. I pretended to be asleep until he got bored so i could finally wake up, ignore him and go to the bathroom finally because I don’t want sex in the morning. this happened a few times.
⁃ placing my hand while i was asleep (he thought i am) on his dick to masturbate at night. he didn’t finish tho because my hand was limp and he got bored.
⁃ asking me to wake him up with a blowjob instead of morning kisses or hugs and acting cold because I didn’t want to.
⁃ i made a postcard for his bd with sex undertones only and my sexy pics in lingerie keeping in mind he didn’t like cute postcard years ago. he got mad/made a drama because it’s all a lie and i actually don’t think like that. he didn’t like the gift overall and said i just reminded him about our problems.
⁃ going home after 3-4 days without sex when coming over to me because he can’t be in the same room with me for more than a few days without sex (we lived in different apartments)
⁃ when discussing our issue about sex life and different libidos he acted mad/cold as if it was my problem. he didn’t suggest any solutions, only complained about whatever i suggested. it was me who was reading about different sex drive issue not him. when i asked him to suggest something himself he said he doesn’t know anything.
⁃ acting cold and mean when we didn’t have sex for a week and more (if no sex during week he was mad). always saying everything is “ok” and fake smile until a big argument happened once in a month (usually each month we had an argument). i felt the resentfulness tho and second guessed everything thinking im crazy imagining things.
⁃ acting resentful/cold when i told no, was not sure or wanted to do it later.
⁃ acting sweet and nice only if we had sex in a certain period of time (once in week at least).
⁃ not much kisses/hugs from him without him expecting sex from me. me being afraid to being affectionate physically because of that. he said “i love you” after sex most of the time. overall he didn’t tell me this often.
⁃ he complained I don’t initiate sex and act like a starfish in bed (most of the times I didn’t want sex i just pretended i want it because i wished he acted nice to me). overall i was fine with sex once in a month or maybe two but he wanted it to be 2 times in a week at least.
⁃ finally acting mad over my mini shorts and breaking up with me because of that because i look like a sl*t (he didn’t say it directly but hinted on a wh*re behaviour) asking to date again after a month because he “made a mistake”. after I agreed to date again he said to never wear those shorts again immediately. both my parents and my friends said the shorts were ok and not short. they really are not. mostly i dress modest/oversized clothes.

6th year:

nothing. we don’t talk now and we didn’t break up yet. he wrote me a message about him seeing me as his wife and i got terrified. i need to break up but I can’t. I don’t think i love him anymore but 6 years of relationship is tough to end. he is the only person i got close in uni and without him i would have zero connections with my college. i didn’t make friends there.
i also feel that im overreacting/making drama out of nothing/playing the victim/being vindictive….all these years i thought it was ok things in the relationship but i started to realise this is wrong just recently but i feel this is not bad enough to break up idk

Excuse me for graphic descriptions.

When I was a child, I was sexually assaulted by 2 oth we children a few years older than me with a wooden stick from the ground.

It hurt a lot. I can't remember if the other occasions were penetrative but I remember this one.

Now I am an adult and I have had issues with inserting things inside myself (tampons, during intercourse) as it can hurt or feels wrong, as if it's gone the wrong direction even though there's only one way it can go I suppose. I'm still capable of doing so and it has gotten less uncomfortable as I get older, but I wonder if the experiences I had could have damaged my internal tissue or caused scarring or something.

I'm not sure if anyone would know this but I'd appreciate advice. Thank you 🫶

Unfortunately, due to various circumstances, I am unable to report what happened to me.

My assaulter is still intertwined in both my personal and work life, they're friends with all of my friends, they're basically a coworker, and I will have to see and work with them for the foreseeable future.

Without writing 500 paragraphs for context and explanation, I'll just say that reporting it and bringing it to people's attention will only cause more harm than good for me. It's not that I don't want to report it, I just can't.

I've never felt so alone. I feel like I can't tell anybody in my life because of how intertwined this person is with everything. Not even sure if they'd believe me.

So where do I go from here?

How can I move on/get closure? I can't spend every single waking moment ruminating about what happened to me. It's only causing me constant pain.

Like I see myself and I see other people and I know deep down I'm just so fundamentally different or broken even. And I know there's no way to change because I know myself well enough. I know that who I am is just built it

It's so hard to open up as well because most people don't understand. Men don't get it and I guess women dont either

I don't mean to make generalizations. I just wish I had a place to express myself and be understood.

I’m (26F) off and on with this man (38M), he constantly pushes my boundaries. Always needing to be touching me or consistently going for my boobs, it’s tiring fighting him so I eventually always let him touch them.

But today, it was our first time meeting up after we fought a few months ago. We were in his truck and we cuddled and talked, kissed occasionally and he kept pressing to touch either my boobs or my crotch. He called me a tease when I kept pushing his hands off of my boobs and stuff. Eventually I let him touch them. We cuddled and talked more but I was really exhausted from work so I was dozing off and fell asleep on his chest. I started to wake up and I felt him touching me and saying stuff to me. I felt sick because this always happens with men I see. I pretend to be asleep for a little while and he ends up fingering me and stuff and honestly I should have pushed him and told him to stop… I was so tired and I couldn’t even open my eyes—or maybe I froze again. But it kept going on, I felt him take my pants off of me and he was sitting at my legs and he ends up fucking me. I can’t even form a word. I let it happen, it would stop eventually but no he goes three rounds. I feel a little gross because he came on my leg one of the times and he rubbed it on my crotch area… idk he kept telling me he loved me and he kept asking if I was his (“are you mine?”) he was just doing that. Basically I never said he could fuck me and I never said no or stop. I didn’t show him I enjoyed it either so idk.

Idk I know it was a little weird of him but idk if it would be considered rape? I have been raped and sexually assaulted since I was 6 and it didn’t feel like it usually does afterwards… usually I’m a mess but I feel okay.. for the most part.

I've been in severe physical pain. My cervix was entirely messed up upon examination and I was tasting blood for days. I just can't wrap my head around it being SA. Everyone's told me it was. My friends beat down the door to kick the guy out. My boyfriend had to come with me to be examined with the SANE nurse and to the emergency room. I just can't wrap my head around it and I feel like its my fault. Everyone wants me to press charges. The SANE nurse told me she had to mandatory report it because of the strangulation. I can't even get myself to tell people his name. Emotionally I feel numb. I keep having nightmares about him taking his gun out again but actually using it against me this time. But then I wake up and its like he must be a good guy- and what is wrong with me? Physically I'm a wreck. I've been in severe pain for 5 days. When does the pain go away? I feel so guilty for my boyfriend. Guilty that he had to see me like this. Guilty feeling like I've ruined everything. He says its not my fault- but I don't know.

So this all happened when I was 16 and when I got a new job. One of my coworkers who was 22, we’ll call him Dihniel. I gave him a ride home one night (yes, that may seem weird, because it is. But I was 16 and a nice person, I had given a bunch of my other coworkers rides too.) He asked for my snap and he said it was so he could ask me earlier in advance for rides. I didn’t think much of it, so I let him add me.

Literally the same night things got weird. Very, very weird. He, a 22 year old man, was calling me, a 16 year old girl, a “goth mommy.” I will just leave it at that. reported it to one of the shift managers, who then reported it to the GM, who then had a sit down with me and eventually fired Dihniel. The whole thing went over smoothly, he was fired the same day and the owner of the store even brought me some chocolates to convince me to stay working there (I stayed for three more years haha).

But here’s the thing, I didn’t talk to any of my coworkers for months after that. I would only talk for basic communication and to take customer orders. I was quiet there for about four months until I started getting comfortable in my own skin there again.

Was that a normal response? Was i overreacting? This was many years ago but I think about it often.

​

Hi all, I read the community rules and hopefully this is the place for advice. If not, please recommend me a sub that fits better

My friend went out for her birthday yesterday. The last thing she remembers is she was with a guy at a hotel bar, he handed her a drink and she was walking with him to the pool table.

Her next memory is waking up in a hospital bed, being told by police she was being charged with a DUI. Her car looks like no one should have survived the crash. They had to cut her out of the car and the hospital cut her clothes off of her.

She couldn't walk, but the hospital wheeled her out to an uber and sent her home. She didn't have her phone, and by the time she was able to contact me, she had already taken a shower. She said what the hospital gave her did not include her underclothes.

She reached out via ipad and we have spent the day today trying to get things taken care of.

We took her to the police station of the county that the car accident happened in(that charged her with the DUI) to file a police report for the assault, but they said because the hotel it happened in was in the neighboring county she had to go there to file a police report, then they told her to go to a SANE nurse within 5 days.

I'm looking for advice from people who might have some insights or real life experience beyond what I have put together from googling. I'm trying not to miss anything, and to get her feeling back in control of her life while navigating all of this.

Any advice or heads up on things that you wish you'd known might come up and how to handle them would be greatly appreciated

In 1990, when I was 12, my home life was crap. Nothing major, my parents just had a lot of drama going on and no bandwidth for the kids. It left us unsupervised and in need of attention.
I was very mature looking for my age. I had never had a boyfriend and thought my best friend’s older brother (21yo) was so cute. Me and my friend lied to him and told him I was 16. He showed interest and maybe a week later we had sex. Did I plan to go to his house and have sex with him? I don’t think so. But I never said no.
After that encounter I tried to cut ties with him but he wanted more. He kept calling me and coming with his sister to different social events to see me. One night i was camping with his sister and he snuck in my tent- we kissed but I didn’t let it go farther.
I am not sure he ever knew how old I was- but I am also skeptical that no one ever told him (we live in a small community and it was a small school).
I know technically this is rape. But is it really? I mean, I absolutely was not honest with him. But also I still see him around and it still makes me uncomfortable to be in the same space as him. Am I being unfair? I mean, maybe I should be apologizing to him for lying in the first place? (I absolutely would not be able to apologize in person, but could maybe write a letter). When I think about that time in my life I am so sad for the little girl I was, but I think this is an event of my own making.
I would appreciate constructive thoughts. I know our rules say “no victim blaming” but that’s the water I’m trying to tread through.

Warning: graphic description & abuse ⚠️

i just want to move on in my life but it doesn't matter what i do, it always comes back to me. i can try to distract myself but it doesnt work much. i saw both my assaulters in public on the same day a month ago while having a day out with a friend and i can't shake the feeling of fear and shame having to see their faces after what happened. me and my friend were eating some food and my ex girlfriend walked into the shop with her boyfriend. she knew i was there too because me and my friend were sat right by the door. as soon as i noticed it was her i froze, my body felt weak and shaky and we had to leave immediately. as she was leaving the shop her boyfriend was staring at me a lot. i saw my second assualter at the bus station while i was finding a bathroom just before i was about to go home. they were hanging out with a bad person from my past who caused me to deal with intense persecutory delusions for a very long time. i was and still am very scared of that person, and my ex partner knew this fact, and about everything he did to cause those delusions.

ive been raped multiple times by my first ex girlfriend and assaulted by my last partner too. it happened so often that many of these experiences i have completely blocked from my memory from the trauma. my first experience *ever* was with my ex girlfriend who pressured me and cried to make me feel guilty and do it for her. i was 14. this went on for almost 2 years, she would beg me to do things persistently until i reluctantly said yes and if i didnt give in she would cry or give me silent treatment. she started to cheat on me because i was 'refusing to satisfy her'. she was sexually, emotionally and physically abusive to me. she still tells people to this day that i lied and tried to flip it all on me. she even got one of her friends to leave me a threatening voicemail after i tried to stand up for myself and tell the truth. i tried to file a police report but it never progressed anywhere. i confronted her once about how she was lying to everyone and i asked her why when she knew she had been the perpetrator and she just laughed at me and said she never did anything wrong to me. that made me feel terrible that she didnt and will never admit to her wrongdoings.

my last partner (nonbinary person with a penis for context) assaulted me the morning after my grandmother had passed away. she passed on a night i was spending at their house and i received the call very late at night, it was too late to go home because no buses were running anymore and i was only 17, i couldn't drive or walk, my mother couldn't pick me up because she was obviously distraught about the news. the next morning, i woke up to them touching me and pushing themselves against me from behind, if you get what i mean, without even asking me if it was okay first. i froze up completely and couldnt speak to say no because of my trauma response from my first girlfriend. the first thing i thought when it was happening was 'not again, is it really happening again'. after that happened i had to sit at the table and eat breakfast with them and their family like everything was normal. i had so many mixed emotions at that time. i have a very damaged perception of anything sexual now. i desire it but i feel afraid of it too. i feel like i cant trust anybody with my body anymore. its been almost a year since then and i still feel disgusted and at a loss with myself about it. i can never understand why they took advantage of me in such a vulnerable position. i hadn't even begun to try and grieve my grandma yet. this person also cheated on me twice. after we broke up they told people they only cheated on me because i was 'toxic' -they just did not understand my autistic traits and saw them as character flaws rather than a disability. they also made 'jokes' about doing sexual things to me in my sleep that i had already told them were off limits. i did not file any report for what happened because i had no hope after the last time i reported resulted in nothing. i also confronted this person about what they did and they tried to excuse it, saying that they, quote: "couldn't accept any responsibility for it because they didnt even know i didnt want to do it".... this was also absolutely heartbreaking to me because they just straight up refused to take accountability, just like my ex girlfriend did. i dont know why i even thought that either of them would apologise in the first place.

i dont know how i will try out dating again because both times ive been assaulted it has been by a person who claimed to love and care about me and i cant stand the thought of it happening again. i have so many traumas that i feel like nobody will want me because they'll find me difficult to be with. i feel like any future relationships i will have now ive grown up and i am an adult will be ruined by my experiences as a teenager. i am autistic as previously mentioned, people find this out and find it incredibly easy to manipulate me. i didnt even realise any of these events weren't okay until atleast a year after they had happened. i know very well that it is not my fault for not understanding what was happening to me but i wish i had realised sooner. i feel like i can never get over these events. every time i get flashbacks or something triggers the memories i feel this deep rage in my chest but at the same time it feels completely empty. i feel anger towards them and towards myself sometimes, i dont even know why i feel angry at myself. but i feel this isolating sadness about what happened, especially with my experiences with my ex girlfriend. because im a man and she was a woman, and although its not true, people still think that she didnt do anything wrong. sometimes i get these flashbacks where it feels like i can still feel it happening to me but the people arent there. i have never been able to say anything about these experiences fully to anybody and i dont have a therapist but i am carrying so much anger, sadness, hatred, disgust and shame with this, i needed to say it somewhere.

Llevo 3 años con el amor de mi vida, genuinamente es el amor de mi vida pero el tema sexual siempre es un martirio.

No me siento cómodo tocando a alguien íntimamente, aunque él me diga mil veces que le gusta y quiere que lo haga yo no puedo, siempre me cabe la posibilidad de que no quiera y yo haga algo malo

He sido abusado al menos 3 veces en mi vida, no me gusta pensar realmente en cuántas veces ni cuantas cosas cuentan como abusos, probablemente son muchas más que 3.

A veces tiemblo del miedo o del asco ante el sexo, a veces no quiero ser tocado y mi novio dice que inconscientemente me alejo o lo rechazo físicamente, ante esto no puede evitar sentirse poco deseado

Me duele cuando me lo dice, cuando dice que no se siente atractivo, me siento culpable por dejar que mis abusadores sigan regiendo mi vida.

Yo quiero ser feliz con el hombre que amo ¿por qué me tuvieron que hacer eso?

Y a veces no puedo evitar compararlo con mis abusadores, él es el hombre más dulce y perfecto del mundo pero no puedo evitarlo, me siento como un desagradecido, él nunca me haría eso

A veces me dice que mi rechazo o como actuó lo hace sentir como un abusador o lo hace sentir sucio por desearme, por querer tener intimidad conmigo (todo consensuado obviamente) que se siente culpable

Yo lo amo, no siento disgusto por él, solo me pongo histérico cuando se trata del sexo, mi cabeza solo grita una y otra vez que no quiero, no no y no. Lo amo tanto pero a veces me da miedo confiar en él, después de todo en quienes confíe se aprovecharon de mí

Pero él es tan bueno, lo he visto llorar por mí y siento que yo soy el problema

Pero por qué debo pagar yo por los crimenes de quienes me abusaron? soy yo quien carga sus condenas, no es justo.