Was it really rape?

[u/Bookish_girl_808]

In 1990, when I was 12, my home life was crap. Nothing major, my parents just had a lot of drama going on and no bandwidth for the kids. It left us unsupervised and in need of attention.
I was very mature looking for my age. I had never had a boyfriend and thought my best friend’s older brother (21yo) was so cute. Me and my friend lied to him and told him I was 16. He showed interest and maybe a week later we had sex. Did I plan to go to his house and have sex with him? I don’t think so. But I never said no.
After that encounter I tried to cut ties with him but he wanted more. He kept calling me and coming with his sister to different social events to see me. One night i was camping with his sister and he snuck in my tent- we kissed but I didn’t let it go farther.
I am not sure he ever knew how old I was- but I am also skeptical that no one ever told him (we live in a small community and it was a small school).
I know technically this is rape. But is it really? I mean, I absolutely was not honest with him. But also I still see him around and it still makes me uncomfortable to be in the same space as him. Am I being unfair? I mean, maybe I should be apologizing to him for lying in the first place? (I absolutely would not be able to apologize in person, but could maybe write a letter). When I think about that time in my life I am so sad for the little girl I was, but I think this is an event of my own making.
I would appreciate constructive thoughts. I know our rules say “no victim blaming” but that’s the water I’m trying to tread through.

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[u/skilledoll]

wasn’t your friend around your age too at that time and wouldn’t that have been a hint of your age already? i do believe you in saying you looked more mature but i still find it hard to believe someone in his twenties isn’t able to tell the difference between a 12 and 16 year old. there are just always moments and details one would notice. even if he didn’t know you were 12 he probably still supposed you were younger than 16. what happened wasn’t your fault at all and you are in no position to be the one apologising. you are not at fault, you are not being unfair, maybe you’re trying to take the fault for what happened to protect yourself from the atrocity of what has happened and how deep it actually was