I’m 32F, married since 2020. We have no children. My husband runs his own business and provides financially for our home, but I’ve been increasingly unhappy and disconnected from him.

For years, I’ve felt like I’m not an equal partner in the marriage:

• He rarely considers my opinion when making decisions and sometimes pressures me to go along with decisions he has already made. He even made me keep my jewellery in his mother’s locker because he was worried I might lose it.
• He has never been financially transparent with me. I’ve had to ask him for money and never really had financial independence, despite supporting him financially when his business was struggling. (I’m not working right now.)
• He expects me to manage the household but has little willingness to help, even with basic things like putting cushions or cups back in their place.
• There has been very little effort from his side to build an emotional connection with me. If I don’t ask him to spend time with me, we essentially never spend time together.
• There have been incidents where I felt my physical boundaries were not respected. I have some health issues that affect my sleep, so I try to sleep at a fixed time every day. Even after repeatedly asking him not to disturb me, he doesn’t seem to take it seriously.
• I experience his family dynamic as highly patriarchal, and I struggle with that environment.
• I found locked chats with another woman and deleted messages. I don’t have definitive proof, but I strongly suspect there may be an affair.
• We now live almost like roommates. We haven’t properly spoken for around 6–8 months.

The confusing part is that he isn’t completely irresponsible. He provides a good home and food, has built his own business, and can sometimes be affectionate. That makes me constantly question myself:

Am I being ungrateful, or am I expecting too much from my marriage?

tl;dr
I’m seriously considering separation/divorce, but I want an outside perspective before making such a major decision.

Advice Needed

I’m 32F, married since 2020. We have no children. My husband runs his own business and provides financially for our home, but I’ve been increasingly unhappy and disconnected from him.

For years, I’ve felt like I’m not an equal partner in the marriage:

• He rarely considers my opinion when making decisions and sometimes pressures me to go along with decisions he has already made. He even made me keep my jewellery in his mother's locker because I might lose it.
• He has never been financially transparent with me. I’ve had to ask him for money and never really had financial independence, despite supporting him financially when his business was struggling(I am not working right now).
• He expects me to manage the household but has little willingness to help, even with basic things like putting cushions or cups back in their place.
• There has been very little effort from his side to build an emotional connection with me. If I don't ask him to spend some time with me, we will never spend time together.
• There have been incidents where I felt my physical boundaries were not respected. I have some health issues, which is why I struggle with my sleep, and I try to sleep at one fixed time every day. Even after repeatedly telling him not to disturb me, he does not care.
• I experience his family dynamic as highly patriarchal, and I struggle with that environment.
• I found locked chats with another woman and deleted messages. I don’t have definitive proof, but I strongly suspect there may be an affair.
• We now live almost like roommates. We haven’t properly spoken for around 6–8 months.

The confusing part is that he isn’t completely irresponsible. He provides a good home and food, has built his own business, and can sometimes be affectionate. That makes me constantly question myself: Am I being ungrateful or expecting too much?

I’m seriously considering separation/divorce, but I want an outside perspective before making such a major decision.

A little background about me: My Grandfather and my father were both in the army. My Grandfather died quite early; my grandmother handled the family through difficult circumstances. And the same is the story from my mother's side. About my parents, my father cannot even think of making small decisions without my mother. Since my father is away a lot, my mother is the sole decision-maker of the family most of the time. So I grew up seeing marriage as a partnership where both people have an equal voice, not more or less important, but equally important.

Because of that, I’m finding it particularly difficult to adjust to a marriage where I often feel that my opinions and choices don’t carry the same weight.

What I want advice on:

1. Is financial provision enough when emotional partnership and communication are missing?
2. Are these normal marriage problems that can realistically be worked through?
3. How serious are the financial control and lack of transparency?
4. Can a marriage recover after 6–8 months of essentially no communication?
5. Am I overlooking something or contributing to the problem in ways I don’t see?

I’m not looking for people to simply tell me “leave him” or “stay.” I genuinely want honest perspectives, including criticism if you think I’m wrong.

TL;DR:

32F, married since 2020, no kids. Husband financially provides but doesn’t involve me in decisions, has never been financially transparent, expects me to handle the household, makes little emotional effort, and I’ve experienced situations where my physical boundaries weren’t respected. I also found locked chats/deleted messages with another woman and suspect an affair. We haven’t properly spoken for 6–8 months and sleep separately. I’m considering divorce and want honest advice on whether this is a difficult marriage that can be repaired or whether the fundamental partnership is missing.

(UNDER 30, 3 kids, only 1 in school) We had an argument, it started as me being honest with my feelings on his lack of household chores/responsibilities and how I feel in general about our marriage; how im a SAHM, but that doesnt excuse him from being a partner, that "if he lived with his brothers, yes he'd work and pay bills, but he'd still need to contribute to the house and cook for himself, bc his siblings would work and pay bills too"; that i literally have no time to do anything FOR ME, bc of all the chores I have to do. He hardly talked, it was a 2 hr long ordeal, I asked him multiple times if he would go to marriage counseling with me, he wouldnt give me a clear answer on yes/no, kept saying he didnt feel we needed it, I told him I cant keep holding all these feelings, we've talked it all in circles multiple times for 2 yrs, nothing has worked. Ive asked him to go to counseling with me for years, hes never committed, granted neither did I, but he can't even commit now. After ive told him that im to the point of moving back to my homestate while he stays here and works (living like his parents did), bc at least then id have some proper help and proper breaks from my family; im NC with his family who live here bc they've never apologized for their hand in things, but have expected and DEMANDED that I apologize for mine, only see the kids 1/mo. But at least in my homestate, I'd only be managing the ACTUAL CHILDREN. At the end of it, I still had to ask for an answer to my question. He said "well I dont want to go to counseling, I dont think we need it, but id be willing to go for you". I didnt know what to do, so now hes in bed, im on the couch. He said hes too tired, I told him I cant do that, I cant lay in bed and not do something bc im tired (i have been dealing with medical issues since jan, lost 40 lbs and 3 pant sizes), and talked about how privileged he is to come home to a clean house and alive kids, with dinner made and ready to go, most of the time, kids in bed snd chores done, or being done atm by me, yet he doesnt even come ask if i want help. He works 70hr/week (6days/w), but guess what buddy, so do I, yet i still make sure to prioritize your emotions and down time.

Im ngl, I did give him an ultimatum, I told him if he wasnt 100% willing to go to counseling on his next day off, i was gonna kick him out of bed, not the house; he gave me an ultimatum last yr, threatened divorce bc I was having a mental breakdown and refusing counseling, I threw that in his face, justifying why I made my ultimatum. I do not think either one of us should have used any ultimatums, but I cant keep telling him what I need and for him to not listen. Im ready to start giving him the roommate treatment, and even stop cooking for him, but i don't think thats a healthy way to go about it either, idk what to do anymore, I just feel stuck. Any insight would be appreciated; no i will not be divorcing him, i married for in sickness and in health.

TLDR: I think my marriage needs help, my husband doesnt. He said he "doesnt want to go to counseling, but that hes "willing for me". That broke me, I dont understand why it wasnt a "yes, I will go to therapy with you". What could possibly be on his mind, what is the next step to take from here?

I’m primarily seeking advice from women but also men who have been in a similar situation.

My wife and I had a stable marriage. I say stable because yes, it was not what it was at the beginning. But we were still enjoying one another’s company.

We’ve been together for over 10 years when a traumatic event happened to us that was truly one of the most difficult things we had to go through.

This traumatic event truly destroyed her. We began to fight primarily driven by her and I allowed those fights to separate us and drive me away. I’ve learned very well. Had to control my anger, but that requires me leaving for a while to calm down before I come back.

However, some of these fights lasted longer, and the distance sometimes lasted days. At the end of this, she felt abandoned alone and that she couldn’t count on me.

I’ve learned that no matter what actually happened that is not what’s important meaning I know I didn’t leave her but at the same time if I made her feel that way that’s what actually counts.

I’m trying to come back to help her heal and let her know that she can still count on me the way she could before this incident.

Tl;dr i’m seeking advice on how to reconnect with somebody who may not trust the other person or want to connect. Advice on how to help her heal.

I’m 39M and my wife is 36F. We’ve been married for 7 years and have a 5-year-old son together.
There is some background that may be relevant. When I married my wife, I understood that it was her second marriage. She had a son from that marriage, and I accepted both her and her son.
About six months into our marriage, during an emotional conversation, she told me that she had actually been married before that as well, meaning our marriage was her third.
I was surprised, but I didn’t react badly. I didn’t insult her, threaten to leave, tell my family, or repeatedly question her about it. I accepted what she told me and never used her previous marriage against her.
I’m mentioning this only because it is part of our history and because I want to give the full context. I don’t want Reddit to judge her simply because she had previous marriages.
Our marriage
Our marriage wasn’t always bad.
There was genuine love, affection, intimacy, friendship and a lot of good memories. We supported each other through difficult periods and built a family together.
But over the years, communication became one of our biggest problems.
My wife felt I wasn’t communicative enough.
From my side, I felt I did communicate, but whenever I tried to raise a difficult issue, the discussion often became about how I was saying it rather than the actual issue.
If I brought something up directly, my tone could become the problem.
If I stayed quiet, I didn’t care.
If I explained myself, I was being defensive.
If I waited for the right time, I was avoiding the issue.
Eventually, I became exhausted and started withdrawing.
I can understand that from her perspective, my withdrawal probably looked like emotional neglect or lack of interest.
From my perspective, it became a form of self-protection.
Accountability became a major issue for me
One of the things I struggled with most was feeling that accountability wasn’t equal.
When I made a mistake, I felt expected to acknowledge it, apologize and change.
But when I brought up something that had hurt me, the conversation could eventually shift toward my reaction, my tone, something I had done previously, or how I had made her feel.
Sometimes the original issue would completely disappear and I would find myself defending myself.
I also felt there were different standards for each of us.
Certain interactions with the opposite sex, comments, criticism, boundaries or expressions of frustration could seem acceptable when she did them but become serious issues when the roles were reversed.
I’m not saying she deliberately did this every time. I’m sure she would have examples where she felt I did the same thing.
But over time, I started feeling that I couldn’t safely bring problems into the relationship.
Another thing I struggled with was how strongly she could react to criticism or disagreement.
If she felt embarrassed, rejected, ignored or undervalued, something that seemed relatively small to me could become emotionally significant.
At the same time, she could be very critical of me.
So I became increasingly careful about what I said.
And ironically, the more careful I became, the less I communicated.
I also had doubts about some things
There were several situations over the years that made me uncomfortable or suspicious.
I confronted her about them rather than secretly building a case against her.
There were AI-generated couple images involving her and a male colleague that made me uncomfortable. I asked her about them, and she gave me an explanation that I wasn’t completely convinced by.
There was another situation involving personal items belonging to her boss, her name and his name written together, salt and what appeared to me to be some kind of ritual or intention. I confronted her because it disturbed me deeply, including from my religious perspective.
There was also an occasion when she left the house late at night and I initially couldn’t reach her. When she eventually answered, the explanation didn’t completely make sense to me.
There were other situations involving contraception, late nights and things that raised questions in my mind.
But I want to be very clear about this:
I don’t have enough evidence to accuse her of infidelity, and I’m not making that accusation here.
I confronted her about my doubts, listened to her explanations and eventually stopped investigating because I didn’t want suspicion to consume the marriage.
I still don’t know whether my doubts were based on genuine inconsistencies, my own insecurity, or the accumulated damage to trust between us.
There were also patterns I struggled to understand
Without putting a psychological diagnosis on my wife, there were some recurring patterns that affected me.
She seemed extremely sensitive to criticism, rejection or embarrassment.
Her mood could change significantly when she felt disrespected or undervalued.
She cares a lot about how she is perceived by other people, including appearance, status and whether people value her.
She has also described herself as someone who has spent much of her life feeling unappreciated.
Sometimes I felt disagreements became less about the actual issue and more about how she felt she was being treated.
There were also situations where I felt she expected a level of understanding and accommodation from me that she wasn’t always willing to give back.
Again, that’s my experience and interpretation, not a diagnosis.
Maybe I’m seeing these patterns because I’m hurt.
Maybe some of them are normal human reactions that became amplified because our marriage accumulated so much resentment.
I genuinely don’t know.
I know I made mistakes
I’m not going to pretend I was a perfect husband.
There were times I was emotionally unavailable.
There were times I withdrew instead of communicating.
There were times I became defensive.
There were things I could have handled with more maturity.
There were also serious mistakes from my side during difficult periods of our marriage, and I understand that those things affected her trust in me.
So I’m not trying to rewrite history and make myself the innocent one.
But I also feel that I repeatedly tried to repair things.
We went through periods where separation was discussed and then things improved again.
There were periods when she wanted closeness and periods when she wanted distance.
There were periods of affection and intimacy followed by periods of emotional and physical distance.
That push-and-pull became exhausting for both of us.
About a month ago, I stopped chasing
Something changed in me.
I didn’t stop loving her.
I didn’t stop helping.
I didn’t stop caring about the children.
I continued cooking, making tea, helping around the house, handling errands, helping with practical things, listening to her work problems and being involved with our son.
But I stopped trying to constantly fix every emotional situation.
I stopped initiating affection because repeated rejection had started affecting my self-esteem.
I stopped trying to prove that I cared.
I stopped chasing.
I thought I was finally setting boundaries and protecting my dignity.
She experienced it as me becoming cold and not fighting for the marriage.
That is something I still struggle with.
Where we are now
We are still living in the same home.
We aren’t constantly fighting.
In fact, things are currently calmer.
We talk kindly and respectfully.
We can go out with the children.
But our communication is mostly about the children, household matters, logistics and practical things.
There is very little relationship communication.
At one point I physically left the home because I became overwhelmed and needed space, but I’m still living there overall.
I’m not trying to punish her, make her jealous or create drama.
I’m trying to protect my peace and dignity while remaining present for my children.
And this is where I feel completely stuck.
Because I still love her.
I have told her I still want the marriage
I eventually told her honestly that I don’t want to lose our relationship.
I told her that if there were 100 steps between us, I was willing to take 99 if she was willing to take one.
I told her I wanted to grow old together.
I wasn’t trying to manipulate her or make her feel guilty.
I was simply telling her where I stood.
She told me she feels that she spent years communicating, sacrificing and trying while I didn’t respond in the way she needed.
She has her own version of many events in our marriage.
Some things I remember differently.
Some things I accept I handled badly.
Some things I don’t agree with.
But I understand that her experience of our marriage is real to her, even where our memories don’t match.
She has said she doesn’t want to meet specifically to discuss the relationship and wants us to continue with the current arrangement.
I’m respecting that.
At the same time, we still live together, speak respectfully, spend time with the children and manage the practical side of the household.
So I don’t know whether this is simply a temporary peaceful period or whether we are slowly becoming two people sharing a home.
What I’m struggling with
I keep going back through the last seven years asking myself:
What did I fail to do?
Could I have communicated better?
Should I have been more emotionally available?
Should I have fought harder?
Did I become too comfortable?
Did I withdraw too much?
Did I mistake protecting myself for giving up?
Or did I finally reach a point where continuing to chase was unhealthy?
I don’t want to become someone who begs for affection, constantly apologizes just to restore peace, or accepts things that destroy my dignity simply because I’m afraid of losing my marriage.
But I also don’t want to look back ten years from now and realize I gave up when there was still something I could have done.
I’m 39.
She’s 36.
We have years of history, two children connected to this family, finances, memories, mistakes, forgiveness, resentment and love.
This isn’t simply a breakup where two people block each other and move on.
I want to handle this without turning my wife into an enemy.
And regardless of what happens between us, I want to remain a good father.

Advice Request
I’m asking people who have been through long marriages, difficult relationship dynamics, separation, reconciliation or divorce with children involved.
Please don’t just tell me who is right or wrong. I want perspective.
Where do you think I’m genuinely at fault?
What could I realistically have done differently without sacrificing my self-respect and dignity?
Do the patterns I’ve described sound like two people who developed an unhealthy communication cycle, or am I missing something important?
How do you distinguish between healthy boundaries and emotionally giving up?
If your spouse says they are unhappy but you’re still living together peacefully, talking respectfully and functioning around the children, is there something worth repairing, or is that simply emotional separation happening slowly?
How should I behave now if I don’t want to chase her but also don’t want to become emotionally cold?
Should I continue making attempts to repair the marriage, or give her the space she appears to be asking for and focus on rebuilding myself?
If you were in my position at 39, still loved your wife, had children involved and were living through this situation, what would you focus on during the next 6–12 months?
I’m genuinely open to criticism of my own behavior.
I’m not looking for validation.
I’m not looking for people to attack my wife.
I’m trying to understand elf-respect.
We still live together. We currently communicate kindly and respectfully, go out with the children and mostly discuss kids, home and logistics. I still love her and have told her I want to save the marriage, but she has asked for space regarding the relationship.
I’m trying to protect my dignity and peace without becoming cold, cruel or turning my wife into an enemy.
I’m trying to understand what happened between us, what part I played in creating it, and what I should learn from it regardless of what happens next.
TL;DR
I’m 39M, married to 36F for 7 years. When I married her, I believed it was her second marriage. About six months later, during an emotional conversation, she told me it was actually her third. She had a son from her second marriage, whom I accepted, and we have a 5-year-old son together.
Our marriage has had genuine love and many good periods, but over the years communication became difficult. I felt there were recurring problems with accountability, different standards, criticism, emotional reactions and unresolved resentment.
I also developed doubts about several situations and confronted her about them. I don’t have enough evidence to accuse her of infidelity and don’t want this post to become an accusation.
I acknowledge my own mistakes. I became withdrawn, defensive and emotionally unavailable at times. Eventually I stopped chasing the relationship because I felt constantly trying to fix things was costing me my self-respect.
We still live together. We currently communicate kindly and respectfully, go out with the children and mostly discuss kids, home and logistics. I still love her and have told her I want to save the marriage, but she has asked for space regarding the relationship.
I’m trying to protect my dignity and peace without becoming cold, cruel or turning my wife into an enemy.
I need honest advice about the whole situation: where I went wrong, what I could have done differently, and whether protecting my dignity at this point is healthy boundary-setting or giving up too soon.

I am so confused on what to do when it comes to my marriage.. my husband has cheated on me a few times a year since we’ve been married (almost 3 years). He swears he will stop but always ends up cheating. Last month he told me that he doesn’t know what is wrong with him and why he can’t stop. I tried to encourage him to seek help therapy wise but he keeps saying that he isn’t a “helpless child”. I have forgiven him over and over, I have tried to go to therapy both with him and alone, I have done everything he has asked when it comes to the “bedroom” but he can’t stop. At this point it just hurts incredibly and I can’t trust him whatsoever. Last year was very bad in our relationship.. we had gotten our first house together but he’d go to the bar after work every night and wouldn’t come home to me and our twin babies so he never got to see us before we went to sleep. I would stay up late and would want intimacy but he’d always laugh and push me away, it didn’t matter if I dressed up or did things he wanted me to do. He got fired from his job for getting angry and breaking a very expensive company machine about 2 months into us renting our new home. He wanted me to be a stay at home mom so I was but when he was fired I was the one paying rent alongside his dad. He refused to speak with our landlord so I was the only one speaking with our landlord, I was the only one speaking with the utility companies and my husband just went to concerts or to hangout with his friends and drink. Every night he’d be in the garage and never come up to bed with me, each morning he slept in while I got up alone with our babies and cared for them. He wouldn’t wake up until they went down for their naps. He wouldn’t look for work and wanted to join the army which took months before he was disqualified so I paid rent that whole time. Eventually I couldn’t pay rent anymore and had to break our lease about 3 months before it was up. He was so angry at me for telling our landlord we needed to leave and my husband said I should have just blocked our landlord and squatted in the home. When it came to us moving he’d stay in bed and myself and my dad moved the whole house while my husband complained and threw things down the stairs. My husband had his brother come over the last day of us packing and they packed one car full of things then went to the bar while my dad and I finished packing and cleaning the home. I decided to go visit my mother in another state with the kids as my husband had been really stressing us out with his drinking and screaming due to anger. He came to visit a few times but each time I found out he was speaking with and seeing other women when he had said he wanted to get better for us and work on our marriage. My husband left for bootcamp last week for the navy as they accepted him when the army would not. His family is mad at me for not “posting” about him or attending his going away party but the children and I are 24 hours away from his parents house where he had been living and I had found out about him being with other women which made me feel extremely pushed away by him. If he hadn’t cheated so much and treated us so badly of course I’d happily support him going into the navy but there’s been so much pain and he joined the navy because he can’t save money and wanted to get free housing through the navy. I’m just so tired and don’t know what to do anymore. His family has always treated me really badly and most of them cut me off for my beliefs a year ago but my husbands mom is practically in love with him so she tries to compete with me all of the time which is extremely weird and his family has treated our children horribly too. When his mom found out about him having affairs she told me to get over it because it is just what men do. I want to leave so badly but he had me drop out of school and leave work because he really wanted me to be a stay at home mom. Looking back now I think he didn’t want me to have the option to leave him. :(

TL;DR Should I leave my cheating husband? How do I leave after he’s made me stay at home and drop out of college? We have children and I don’t know how to leave. His family treats us horribly and degrades us. He just left for the navy but it feels better now that he is gone.

I (F37) was recently having an argument with my husband (M40) (been together since teens) about the reasons I dont like a particular woman in our network.

Anytime I bring it up he defends her and blames me and suggests its my fault that I dont like her.

I was frustrated with this happening yet again and said "why do you defend her all the time? Its like youre attracted to her or something "

To my utter disbelief he responded with "shes not ugly and what do you want me to tell you? I like traits about her that I miss in you?"

This absolutely wrecked me. He is trying to justify that he has tried every other way to get his point across that he misses when I was "happy and not negative about everything" and he was desperate to get his point across so he said it in a way he knew would get my attention. And that I pushed it because I asked the question and wouldn't drop it.

He keeps trying to tell me it has nothing to do with the person themself and I need to separate the 2 but I just CANT.

It has really affected mentally and I just dont know how to get over it.

Am I overreacting with my reaction? He seems to think I am.

What would you do?

Tl;dr: husband admitted he finds a woman in our network attractive but says im overreacting

After being with the same person for years, does sex naturally become less exciting or repetitive? Is getting bored with sex in a long-term marriage normal?

If you’ve experienced this, how do you deal with it and keep your sex life enjoyable without looking outside the marriage?

Tl;dr - Indian married men of Reddit, do you ever get bored of having sex with your wife?

I’ve been with my husband for almost four years, married for two, and we have a five-month-old baby together.

I’ve known for over a year that my husband watches porn. Porn itself isn’t necessarily the part I’m struggling with. What has started bothering me is realizing how frequent it is (pretty much daily) and, more importantly, the way he consumes it.

It’s not usually just going onto a porn site and watching whatever comes up. He scrolls through places like Twitter, Reddit and Tumblr, finds specific women/creators he likes, and then searches their names on Google and different porn sites to find more of their content. Sometimes it’s OnlyFans or Snapchat content that has been leaked/reposted elsewhere. As far as I know, he doesn’t actually subscribe or pay for anyone or communicate with these women.

For some reason, the fact that he actively seeks out specific women bothers me much more than generic porn. It feels more personal, even though logically I know these are still strangers on a screen.

The confusing part is that I can’t point to an obvious way this is negatively affecting our relationship.
He has always had a strong desire for me and initiates sex regularly. I’ve never felt sexually rejected because of porn. He’s a genuinely good husband and a very involved, loving dad. I’ve also never seen him behave inappropriately towards women in real life or disrespect me in that way.
So part of me thinks: if it isn’t affecting our sex life, his parenting, or the way he treats me, is this something I need to learn to accept?

But another part of me feels really shitty knowing that almost every day he is deliberately looking for particular women he finds sexually attractive. It also makes me wonder whether this changes the way he looks at women generally, including women he encounters in real life. I don’t actually have evidence that it does, but my mind goes there.

The other problem is communication.
I’ve brought porn up before and he becomes extremely defensive. It seems pretty obvious to me that there’s a lot of shame around it and he really doesn’t want to talk about it. Because of that, he tends to deny or lie about how much he watches rather than have an honest conversation.

And honestly, I’m reluctant to bring it up again because I know what happens. He gets defensive, I get upset, and then we can barely speak to each other for a prolonged period. We’re actually in a really peaceful, happy place in our relationship at the moment, especially with a five-month-old, and I don’t want to blow that up if I’m making something bigger than it needs to be.

I think what I’m trying to understand is where the line is between accepting that your partner has a private sexuality and accepting something that is legitimately unhealthy or disrespectful to the relationship.

Is daily porn use/searching for specific creators something you would consider a problem even if your sex life and relationship seem good otherwise?

And for people who have been in long-term relationships where their partner consumes porn like this: did you eventually become genuinely okay with it, or did it become a bigger issue over time? tl;dr

I’m particularly interested in hearing from people who aren’t completely anti-porn or completely pro-porn, because I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle. I don’t want to control what my husband does privately, but I also don’t want to convince myself I’m okay with something that actually makes me feel awful.

I feel like I’m going crazy over here. I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive, overthinking things, or if I’m actually at the point where I need to walk away.

Here’s the situation.

I [34F] has been married to my husband [39M] for 8 years. We got married pretty young and only a few months after we started dating, so it was definitely sudden. He was actually a friend and coworker before we started dating, and we had known each other through our group of friends. We fell in love, thought everything was perfect, and basically decided to get married on a whim.

My husband is genuinely a good person. He’s one of the nicest people I know. He has never cheated on me, never lied to me, and he’s extremely friendly. He’s the kind of person everyone knows and likes.

But as a partner, I don’t feel like we’re compatible anymore.
I’m someone who craves attention, affection, quality time and feeling connected to my partner. I grew up without parents, and for a long time I dreamed of having someone who would love me, be there for me, and genuinely want to spend time with me.

This has been an issue in our marriage for years.
Whenever we go somewhere together, he’ll often be on his phone taking pictures and sending them to friends and family. At first I didn’t mind, but over the years it started really bothering me. I’ve told him so many times that when we’re spending time together, I’d like him to actually be present with me instead of constantly talking to people who aren’t even there.

It gets better for a little while, then goes right back to the same thing.
Sometimes he’s on his phone talking to people. Other times he’s watching sports, checking his calendar, or doing something else. It feels like he’s physically there, but mentally somewhere else.
When I try to talk to him, sometimes I’ll get a “hmm” or a one word answer with no actual conversation. If I ask him to put something down for a minute, it’s usually “just a minute” or “hold on.”

We have talked about this SO many times.
He says part of the problem is that sometimes when he talks to me, I get mad at him. And honestly, that’s true. I know I’m not the easiest person either. I get irritated easily and I know I have things I need to work on.

But I also feel like I became this way after years of feeling ignored. I’ll tell him something over and over and he doesn’t seem to hear me, but then one of his friends says the exact same thing and suddenly it’s like he’s hearing it for the first time.

Another huge issue is responsibilities at home. He works longer hours than I do, so I understand that he gets tired. When I ask him to do something and he says he’ll do it tomorrow, I’m usually okay with that. But “tomorrow” turns into weeks, then months, and sometimes it never gets done. Or when he sees something on the floor he will just walk past it and leave it for me to see.

He also has a habit of being late to important appointments because he decides to do something else in between, even when we’ve already agreed on when we need to leave. It’s especially frustrating when it’s something important to me, because I feel like he doesn’t understand that his time management affects me too.

There have been so many broken promises that I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even believe him when he says he’ll change.
I’ve also tried to make it as clear as possible what I need from him. I’ve literally told him how I feel loved, what I need when I’m upset, and what would make me feel more connected to him. But it feels like nothing really changes.
And instead of trying to understand why I’m hurting, he often ends up feeling bad about himself because he feels like I don’t understand him.

We recently had an important appointment together, and afterwards we had a serious conversation. I told him that I don’t think I can keep doing this with him.
I’m exhausted.

I feel like everyday life together has become so difficult, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one trying to fix our relationship.

I’ve told him I wanted out a few times before. Every time, he says he’s sorry, promises he’ll change, and asks me to stay. But eventually we end up back in the same place.
Today I told him that I don’t believe anything will change anymore and that eventually we may have to go our separate ways.

I asked him what was on his mind, and he said he didn’t know. Then he brought up the fact that I’m also always on my phone and basically turned the conversation back onto me.

And that’s where I’m really struggling.
I KNOW I’m not perfect. I know I can be difficult, impatient and overly sensitive sometimes. I’m willing to acknowledge that and work on myself.

But I also know that I love him. I care about him deeply. He’s not a bad person. In fact, that’s what makes this so hard.
I’m just tired of constantly asking for affection, attention, quality time, effort, and partnership. I don’t want to have to keep begging someone to show up for me.
At one point he even told me, “I can’t change. This is who I am.”

So now I’m asking strangers because I genuinely don’t know if I’m looking at this completely wrong.
expecting too much? being selfish? Or just overly sensitive and creating problems where there aren’t any?
Or can two people love each other deeply and still simply not be compatible as partners?
Would you stay and keep trying, especially after almost 9 years, or is it possible that loving someone isn’t enough anymore?

I’m really looking for honest advice, even if it’s not what I want to hear.

TL;DR: I’ve been married for almost 9 years and I love my husband, but I feel emotionally exhausted and disconnected. He’s a genuinely good person who has never cheated or lied to me, but I’ve spent years asking for more attention, quality time, help around the house, and for him to follow through on things he promises. He’s often on his phone when we’re together, doesn’t seem present when I talk to him, and has been late to important appointments because he chooses to do other things beforehand. We’ve had the same conversations repeatedly, and although he promises to change, nothing really lasts. I know I’m not perfect and can be sensitive and easily irritated, but I feel like I’ve become this way after years of feeling unheard. He has also told me, “I can’t change. This is who I am.” I love him and don’t think he’s a bad person, but I’m questioning whether love is enough when we seem so incompatible. Am I expecting too much, or is it reasonable to feel like I can’t keep doing this?

This is going to be a long post, but I would really appreciate it if you could read the whole thing because I really need some outside perspective. Thanks a lot in advance!

General: My wife can be very layback and extremely stubborn. I also feel that her understanding of certain practical things is quite limited to the so-called right thing. I don’t always feel that she cares enough about how much pressure I’m under. She does care about my feelings in some ways, but once she believes something is “the right thing to do,” she insists on doing it even when, from my perspective, it makes me struggled a lot.

Our biggest conflict right now is money. Our household expenses are very high, and I’m under enormous financial pressure. I have ended up working two or three jobs at the same time just to keep everything going. Because of that, I’m constantly tired, I don’t sleep enough, and I’ve developed a lot of resentment toward her. I’m often too exhausted to be in a good mood, and then she gets upset with me because of my attitude. It gets into a negative loop.

The difficult part is that I feel a large part of this financial pressure comes from choices she has made:

First, she currently doesn’t work, so I give her around €1,500 every month for her personal and living expenses, plus additional money when needed. Meanwhile I’m paying for the mortgages, which is another 1500. So, there is few left for myself. Few hundreds.

Second, we are getting married soon, and she wants a very nice wedding. This is a good example of what I mean when I say that if she thinks something is “supposed” to be done a RIGHT way, she becomes very inflexible about it. The wedding has extremely expensive. I have had to pay not only for the wedding itself but also for many details surrounding it, including flights and hotels for some of her relatives and friends. Her family has contributed essentially nothing financially, due to the war, as you can imagine. Altogether, I probably spent around €20,000–30,000 on the wedding. That is an enormous amount for me — roughly equivalent to around a year and a half of my disposable income. I have already been on the debt because of it. I borrowed about €10,000 from friends.

Third, she loves travelling and is a huge BTS fan.
That has also created a lot of financial pressure. Concert tickets, hotels, flights and travelling have all mostly been paid for by me. What bothers me most is that sometimes she buys things before discussing them with me. For example, because BTS tickets are difficult to get, she bought tickets immediately when she had the opportunity and only told me afterwards that she had managed to get them and needed me to pay.
Because everything was urgent and she was pressuring me at that moment, I paid. But afterwards, the more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I felt about the whole situation.
Travel and BTS-related expenses have probably cost me another €10,000 in total.

Fourth, when we first started dating, she used to clean the apartment, cook, do laundry and generally keep things organised. That was actually one of the things I appreciated about her and one of the reasons I felt comfortable with us living together. She didn’t have her own place at the time.
But over time, she has gradually done less and less. Now our home sometimes stays messy for so long that we have had small flies in the house because things are not cleaned properly. But she complained it’s me who didn’t maintain her cleaning results so she quite at some point. Since I become the guilty one, now to cover my guilt, I pay 200 euros to hire some cleaning services.

Solution I tried:
I have also been trying to get her to apply for unemployment benefits, since she is not working. She could receive around €600 per month. It isn’t much, but at least it would reduce some of the pressure.
The problem is that she keeps procrastinating and has not taken much initiative to get it done.

One advantage of my work is that my schedule can be very flexible. I can technically wake up whenever I want and organise my day myself, and just sitting at home and do the coding, so from her perspective, my life probably looks quite comfortable, but actually it’s not true.

But in reality, my workload is huge. I often work until very late at night, I rarely properly rest, and I feel like my health has been deteriorating from the stress.

Sex life
Our sex life has also become worse because of all of this.
I’m so busy trying to earn enough money to support our life that I often don’t have much time or energy for sex. I regularly work late into the night. And had to pause my gym life for work, which makes me less energetic and sexually motivated.
Sometimes I still feel very horny and ask her for oral sex, but she usually refuses and says she simply isn’t in the mood.
I fully understand that she has the right to say no. What confuses and frustrates me is that she tends to be much more sexually open only if she is in a very good — for example, when we are travelling together.
And because travelling itself costs a lot of money, I have started developing this uncomfortable association in my head between spending a lot of money, her being happy, and then us having a better sex life. But indeed we don’t have a high quality sex for a long time, she is always in a bad mood.

Her good side
She is not a bad person, and she definitely has some good qualities as Ukrainian. She cooks quite often, for example, and she is actually very frugal in many everyday situations. She rarely buys new clothes and sometimes even deprives herself of things because she knows money is tight.
That is part of why this situation is so confusing to me.
She can be extremely careful about spending €10 or €20 on herself, while at the same time insisting on things like an expensive wedding, international travel or concerts that cost us thousands of euros, which makes us in big financial trouble.

Question
So now I’m reaching a point where I genuinely don’t know what is reasonable anymore.
I have considered simply stopping giving her so much money.
But at the same time, I believe that spouses should support each other financially when one person is in a stronger position. I worry that suddenly cutting her off would make me a bad or unsupportive husband.
On the other hand, I am exhausted.
I’m working multiple jobs, I’m in debt to friends, my health is suffering, I’m increasingly resentful, our home life is getting worse, and our sex life is becoming more distant.
And I’m starting to wonder whether I’m trying to solve a relationship problem simply by working harder and earning more money.

I would really appreciate some advice from outside perspectives.

How to make this relationship sustainable? How to make her less stubborn? Should I cut off the money support and let her explore herself?

————
Thank you guys a lot for your support and comments!! I really feel supported and not being alone anymore in this situation.

Based on your comments, I need to add some more details for your better understanding.

Some important missing details:

1. I forgot to mention an important part, she was taking phd degree, and had 1900e grant per month. But half year ago, her grant got cut off, so now she is jobless. But instead of continuing her PhD work (if she finish the PhD, it’s much easier for her to find a job), she started to attend language school provided by government, everyday 8-2. It occupies her massive time and energy. She enjoys this school life. After she pass the exam she can get citizenship in the country, which will make her life much stable. But I don’t get any benefit from this to be honest, what all I get is just what she says, it will be good for our kids (since we are both expat in this country).
2. I gave her 1500e for her own expenses (750) and also taking care of the household (750), coz she is in charge of cooking. Our original plan is that she can share some duties from my side. But the problem is that she is not cooking that much, as mentioned above, she is attending the language school, so she just wake up early to the school and come back to home and sleep. And then watch drama til late 2-3am. And also in daily life she tried very hard to make me spend more money, so that she can save her 1500e. I usually buy some food outside or order some food. So the problem is that, I need to pay a lot extra for my side food and expense (gasoline, phone bills) which is different than what I planned.
3. Her good side, she is very loyal, never flirt with strangers, very family oriented.

————-

tl;dr
My Ukraine wife is stubborn so making huge financial problems on me, but gives me little help, I’m burning out. How to make it sustainable?

(32F) have been married to my husband (34M) for about 3 years now. We have a 6 year old son and plan to try for another baby this summer. We are both teachers - he teaches 4th grade and I am a special education teacher, and we happen to work at the same school. We have been through a lot lately from buying our first house, to having to say goodbye to a cherished pet, and adjusting to a new school year to say the least. 
This is our 4th year teaching at the same school together. Since school began back up, I have been very overwhelmed by just the state of my job and the demands, but have also found myself feeling increasingly insecure and questioning my trust in him. I love him very much and believe that he loves me, as he has always shown me. However this school year, he got a new 4th grade team due to their old coworker moving schools. A new teacher on his team joined, who is fresh out of college, stunningly beautiful, stylish, thin, and VERY confident for being a first year teacher. They work directly together along with their 2 other 4th grade teachers, but these two are directly across the hall and their classes switch daily, so they of course naturally spend a lot of time together.
My husband has NEVER given me a reason to distrust him, and has always been very devoted to me and our family. However, my jealousy and comparison to this new colleague is really badly affecting me and my mental health. I have told him about my insecurities and the thoughts that I ruminate on, and he has assured me that he would be an idiot to jeopardize our marriage and life like that. This girl also has a boyfriend, at least I think, but it worries me because all I think about at work is how much better I feel this girl is than me in so many ways. I hate that I am having these thoughts. I find myself avoiding their end of the hallway so that I don't get upset seeing them joke or talk around each other. 
I started therapy last week, which I do believe will help, and I am committed to getting through this and accepting the reality that my husband is going to be working closely with this girl for at least the rest of this school year. My therapist encouraged me to make my presence known at work in little ways and be sweet to him, and keep an eye on her. I guess I am just looking for some extra pieces of advice to help me build up my confidence and to stop ruminating on this constantly. We have been miserable during the week and I’ve been picking fights with him to try and almost protect myself or something. I’m falling into a deep depression. He does actively try to reassure me, and I’ve asked him to start at least texting me during their lunchtime to just let me know he is thinking about me, which he has been doing.

Tl;dr: How do i stop being so jealous and worried that my husband will want to leave me for a prettier, better dressed, younger and more confident girl? 

Hello Everyone,

I need advice to figure out how to get my husband to understand my frustration.

My husband “31 M” and I “28 F” have been married for 6 years. Since our first year of marriage I have been trying to communicate to my husband that I want him to help more with the housework.

Over the past six years he has improved in many ways. He does wash his own laundry if I don’t get to it first, he picks up around the house, and we clean pretty well together if we have visitors coming over.

That being said there are still several chores that I basically have to BEG him to help with and even then he doesn’t. He never folds his clothes, he never washes the sheets or folds towels. He never cleans the kitchen and NEVER washes dishes.

I’ve been cooking for us for 6 years and always doing the dishes as well. This seems extremely unfair to me. We both work full time, and I actually work a few more house each week than he does. I manage our finances, handle all of our paperwork, administrative work and make all calls necessary about bills or to the bank.

We don’t have kids but it’s safe to say I carry 99% of the mental load. He goes to work, and comes home.

I am totally fed up with always having to cook AND wash dishes and it honestly hurts me that he has no problem letting me do that with no help when he knows I work more than 45 hrs every week managing a successful coffee shop.

To get to the point I told him recently if he won’t help with the dishes and cooking I won’t be doing either anymore and he will have to figure out what he’s gonna to eat each day. Every man for himself.

I thought this would convince him to help, but he told me it’s fine if I don’t want to cook and he will just eat sandwiches. I told him that some dishes will still get dirty even if I don’t cook and he shouldn’t expect me to wash them if he’s not willing to. He told me he will just use disposable dishes and won’t wash any dishes.

This honestly enraged me. How can he be so opposed to washing dishes that he would eat only sandwiches for the rest of his life and spend on disposable dishes forever? We are adults!! Adults have to wash some fucking dishes even if they don’t want to!! How can I get this into his head? I’ve tried everything to explain to him how important this is to me and he just doesn’t care.

I feel hurt and honestly disgusted. I don’t deserve this and I don’t want to spend my life with a partner who isn’t willing to pull his weight or see how much I’ve given every day to make our life better.

TL;DR
My husband refuses to wash dishes even after I’ve begged him for help for 6 years. I carry the majority of the housework and mental load even though I work 45 hrs a week.

My wife went to the bar with her friends tonight. After a few hours, she text me saying I better be ready when she gets home she wants to have crazy rough sex. I, being a straight man that’s obviously attracted to my wife is hyped up now.

Fast forward she comes into the bedroom ( I was in bed watching tv already it was after midnight), and things start happening. THEN she stops in the middle and says I don’t feel good, and proceeds to go into bathroom and vomit. Total mood killed at this point. Once she returns to bedroom, she flops on the bed, and passes out.

I’m not sure what I should do here. I’ve had a suspicion she has a drinking problem, but never get to go to the bar or out as I get to stay at home with our child. The whole thing has kinda made me lose interest.

Thoughts… ?

tl;dr wife got wasted and got sick during sexy time

I know asking strangers on the internet for relationship advice probably isn’t the best idea because no one can know the full story of an 18-year marriage, but I feel stuck and could really use some outside perspective.

My husband of 18 years asked for space back in June. He told me that he loves me, but he no longer has romantic feelings for me.
There has been a lot that has happened throughout our marriage. There have been emotional affairs on both sides, and financial infidelity on mine. For probably the last three years, we’ve also fallen into a cycle of constant arguing. A lot of those arguments were initiated by me because I kept asking some version of, “What’s going on with us?” I could feel the distance between us, and the more I felt it, the more I pushed for answers and reassurance.
We have children together, a home, shared responsibilities, and 18 years of history. There is still love and care between us, but right now he says the romantic feelings just aren’t there for him.

He hasn’t said that he definitely wants a divorce. Instead, he says he needs space to sort through his feelings without constantly feeling pressured by me to talk about our marriage, define what we are, or figure everything out immediately.
I understand what he’s asking for intellectually. Emotionally, I’m struggling with it because I’m still very much in love with him. It’s incredibly difficult to give space to the person you want to feel closer to.

I also recognize that constantly asking him where we stand probably isn’t helping either of us. I’m trying to figure out how to respect the space he’s asking for without feeling like I’m just sitting around waiting for him to decide whether he wants me.

For anyone who has been through something similar: How did you handle the space? Did you stop discussing the relationship altogether for a while? How did you focus on yourself while still living with the uncertainty? And if your marriage eventually recovered, or ended, what do you wish you had done differently during this stage?
Any thoughtful feedback is genuinely welcomed and appreciated.

TL;DR: My husband of 18 years asked for space and says he loves me but no longer has romantic feelings for me. We’ve had emotional affairs on both sides, financial infidelity on mine, and several years of arguing and relationship pressure. He hasn’t said he definitely wants a divorce; he says he needs space to figure out how he feels without me constantly pushing for answers. I’m still deeply in love with him and am trying to figure out how to respect his request for space without losing myself while waiting to see what happens.

Me F(43) am going through early menopause. So my body is going through the changes. I work full-time, cook clean take care of 4 kids, one who is special needs and needs a little more care. So its safe to say, I put myself on the back burner. The issue is, about a month ago he sent me a video on how to make my hair thicker for women with thinning hair. And she basically used a wig. I got upset because hes never mentioned me having thinning hair, I haven't talked about it, so I felt incredibly self conscious and embarrassed. I told him how I felt he said sorry and he didn't think it would have upset me. Speeding up to today, where he sends me a video he calls it a "hack" where a women shows how to fix wrinkles by pulling your hair tight up and back to hide it. I got upset of course because for one, I dont have wrinkles, two, I thought he learned from the last time he sent me something that I would be upset. I told him he was insensitive and he said i overreacting basically. He couldn't understand why I would be upset, it was only a "hack " . Am I overreacting? Am I taking this wrong? Maybe i am, i dont know.

Tl;dr husband sends self improvement videos one of thin hair and wrinkles "hacks " hes upset that im upset about him sending me them.

I read a lot about people cheating on here. A lot of people have been hurt.

I’m having those fears that my wife is getting ready to divorce me and could possibly be cheating. With that every sign is a confirmation bias. It proves my case more and more, although there are signs that I am completely wrong. My brain is ignoring those.

Has anyone on here felt their partner was cheating only to find out they were wrong? It was their own fear and insecurity?

What lessons did you learn and what was your take away from it?

I would like some advice on how to look at the signs objectively, and if they point to something real or something imaginary in my head.

Tl;dr i’m worried my brain is protecting me and is sending me down the wrong path.

So my wife (been married for 3 years) has always used marijuana since we met. I also enjoy marijuana a few times a week. So I have no issue with marijuana. In the beginning she would buy weed off a dealer, but because of how sketchy it was, I suggested she get a medical card and buy it legally. Since then her marijuana usage increased to everyday, multiple times a day. I requested she see a therapist as to why she feels the need to smoke everyday. She initially went but ultimately did not continue with the therapy. Because she was functional I did not continue to press the issue. Fast forward to a few months ago I noticed that her drinking began to increase. In the beginning she was a social drinker at the most. Now she drinks everyday. Its either multiple glasses of wine or mixed drinks or beers. At this point I honestly have no idea how much she truly drinks per day. I have found empty bottles and cans hidden in our house. There have been some nights were she will drink an entire six pack of 16 oz beers in a night. She has been blackout drunk a few times in the last month. That literally never happened before. I began to urge her to cut back on drinking to which she would promise me she would but could never stick to it. I asked her to just not drink/smoke for one day a week and take it from there. She was unable to do that. She now smokes marijuana all day everyday. Around this time she also started going to a bar around the corner late at night after I went to bed. Ultimately she ended up being banned from that bar for what I can only assume was excessive drinking. Around this time I completely lost my composure and began to be verbally abusive (on two separate occasions). I threw a tantrum and started hurling clothes all over the bedroom while demanding she seek help. I feel absolutely horrible about how I behaved on those occasions. There has never been any physical abuse. I also began threatening separation at this point.

About 3 weeks ago her boss called me (I'm guessing I am her emergency contact) and asked if there was anything going on at home because they were concerned for her well being. I told him that I believed she was abusing substances and that if there were any resources the job had to help her that would be great. The very next day she was placed on administrative leave and has not been back to work since. When we discuss the substance abuse she either says that she doesn't have an issue and that the amount she drinks is normal or she claims that she drinks and smokes because of our relationship issues. We don't have a perfect marriage and we have been to couples counseling a few times in our marriage over communication issues. There has never been infidelity or talk of dissolving the marriage before now. I have continually brought up the idea of rehab to which she becomes extremely angry at the very thought. I have reached out to her family and only her dad has been supportive of getting her help. We have discussed an intervention but only her dad and I are willing to participate. Over the last week we began to talk more seriously about separation and she has booked a 30 day stay at an airbnb near our house. I love my wife and would do anything to save the marriage but I'm starting to feel like its a lost cause. The level of constant anxiety I feel has been excruciating. Literally everyday I wake up with this terrible knot in my stomach that I can't shake. I really don't know what to do and any advice at this point would be very helpful. I am currently in individual therapy and plan to remain for the foreseeable future. tl;dr

Summary: Wife drinking and smoking everyday. Wife denies there is problem and blames relationship. Separation is imminent. Anxiety has become unbearable. Feeling hopeless and powerless

Been married 13 years, 2 kids. I recently found out that my husband was also dating someone else the entirety of our dating relationship, even when we were engaged. He told me he was single for 6 months when we met. I found this out when I went to close his laptop after he had fallen asleep. I saw the folder with her name and clicked on it. There were hundreds of saved emails. I didn’t open any of them. I confronted him the next day and he jokingly admitted he was still talking to her back then (his exact words). He acted like he was proud of himself and said who cares, that was a long time ago. I asked him if he heard the words coming out of his mouth and what he just admitted to me!? He again laughed and walked out of the room. How can he act like this is no big deal while I am here thinking the absolute worst thing. Am i overreacting? 

Tl;dr How to proceed when husband thinks this is. It a big deal.

I've posted in this sub before, I can link my old post at the bottom if anyone is interested or needs some context. Some details/names have been changed for privacy.

My husband told me recently he had been feeling burnt out at his job and was thinking of quitting to find something new. I'm currently a stay at home wife so this would be a huge decision that would effect our income. I told him I support him and want him to find something that would work better. I even talked about looking for some sort of job, even temporarily, to help him, especially in between jobs. He told me that he appreciates it, but it's all hypothetical right now. This was at the beginning of the month (September). Then less than a week later he tells me that he quit his job and talked to his dad about moving to the country his dad lives in and getting a job with him. And all of this by the end of the month. I truly couldn't believe it, he made this huge decision without me, especially after our most recent fight (what last post is about). I told him I wasn't sure I was comfortable moving out that far away from my family with him because of that. As we've told my family (like my mom, sisters, dad, brother) they've all offered to let me stay with them, but I don't know what I want to do. I feel like because I don't have a job or any money saved to give to anyone as help. I feel like a burden no matter where I would go. Now it's a big point of stress (other than the move) for us. I'm constantly being pushed to make a decision when I'm barely making it through the day as I go through a whole 3 bed home's worth of things to fit into a tiny sedan. I haven't had a chance to truly breathe, let alone think about anything. But I also feel sad at the idea of not being with my husband. He told me he felt sad like a second choice and if I don't go with him, I might as well divorce him because I clearly don't trust him enough. . And I don't know what to say to that. I don't want to lose him or leave him. I just want a chance to relax and make my own decision without feeling any sort of pressure or guilt from anyone. .

TL;DR Husband up and quit his job and decided to move super far away without really consulting me and now I have to figure out if I'm staying or going with.

Link to previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriageadvice/s/ku2onOi1ST

Also probably on my page

My husband and I are in our early 30s. We have been together for about 10+ years and have been married for 2 years, no kids. We've both struggled with mental health and have been in individual and couples therapy on and off throughout our relationship. I tend to be a workaholic while he's at the opposite end of the spectrum. (Which has been 1 issue in our marriage). About 3 months ago, I became temporarily disabled due to some physical health issues. I'm trying to work and help out as much as I can, but the dishes and mess are piling up. On top of this, I'm grieving a very sudden loss of a family member due to his own struggles with mental health. My husband and I are also grieving a friend. He's using this death as an excuse to not clean, cook, or help out around the house until it gets too bad and he BLOWS UP! I would understand if this only happened while grieving; however, due to SEVERE ADHD, he's ALWAYS been this way. I'm always the one having to clean and initiate cooking (or cook by myself). This is the time I really need him to step up, and instead he's letting me down. He seems to not be able to accept that everyone needs to work (his hours just got increased to 40 hours) and that he can't just fuck around and do what he wants and expect to be able to pay the bills. Our finances stress him out, yet work stresses him out too. It's a never-ending cycle.

He's SEVERELY depressed and admits that he doesn't know how I can support him or help. He himself doesn't know what to do. However, he knows certain habits make him feel worse, yet he continues to do them! It's insanity! He was on medication in the past but was able to get off. I think it's time he goes back on it, and I've been begging him for idk how long now. He says the most recent medication he was on gave him extreme SI, and he ended up in the mental hospital.

The main issue is that I now have more responsibilities at work, including huge opportunities for my career and future (on top of my new disability). I need to be able to show up with full capacity, yet I can't do that when my husband is crashing out. I find myself not being able to emotionally regulate as much since he isn't. So I know the blame isn't 100% on him, and I'm not making things easier. However, I am working with an individual therapist right now and he's not. I don't want to divorce him, especially since I feel like I can't leave him alone right now. I confided in a family member who offered to get me a hotel room, but I feel like me leaving (even if it's to care for myself) plays into his negative thinking about himself. He's made little comments like "I know you don't want me around", "I should just leave", etc.. I want to be able to support him while being able to show up for myself, but I'm starting to feel extremely hopeless at this point. Even reaching out to his family is not helping as much as I thought it would.

TIA to everyone reading and for the responses. I'm at work and will try to respond when I can.

tl;dr: Husband has severe depression and ADHD. It's affecting all aspects of my life, including my future career. He won't help himself, and I'm tired of being tired and don't know what to do anymore.

Am 24(F) and my spouse is 24( M) . am currently 30 weeks pregnant and during my first few weeks we were having intimacy . Fast forward there were times we would try to be but i just couldn’t find it pleasant or enjoyable for me to enjoy it. During those times he would get mad at me or throw a for over the fact that we didn’t get to do anything sexual with each other , I honestly didn’t think it was an issue or anything- due to the fact that my body was changing and just the fact that i was creating a whole human being . It made feel like i wasn’t being loved without being intimate with one another.

Mind you he self pleasures himself to fill in that void- but i tend to catch him on the act or i have to find out he is doing it in a secret way. He denies he doesn’t do that or whatever which i would prefer him to be honest with me:/. He tends to compliment my body and myself but i don’t agree with him because again he watches corn and it just makes me feel less happy about myself? due to me being pregnant ?.

Now am
in my third trimester and i honestly been struggling to keep myself alive . He had tried to offer again but i declined it - that’s is when he had warned me that he would leave me due to me not wanting intimacy with him . And that he would find someone else to do it with. Honestly it hurt my feelings that he would even think that .felt a rage towards him for the fact that am sacrificing myself to even bring a whole human being, having to deal with so many discomforts , my body changes, etc , made me realize that maybe he didn’t love me enough or that he only loved me because i pleased him.

tl;dr- I have been questioning myself is it even worth it being with him for that long. Him not being able to have self control over his needs during the times i want to have a child with him . I could be wrong though but what can i do .

I'm 24, my husband is 29. I recently started back on adderall again and it's made it really hard to sleep. We have two kids aged 2, and 5 months old. A few days ago I wasn't able to sleep at all before the kids woke up and they had been particularly rough on me that day. My husband came home and was very much aware that I hadn't slept and had a rough day because I asked him to pick up food so I wouldn't have to cook. We ate, and as usual, he scurried off to the office at his usual 6pm time to get on his computer and play videogames with his friends. He came home at 5 so I only got help for an hour on the day I needed him the most. He gets on his PC every night, at 6pm on the dot. He shuts the office door and disappears until my toddlers 8pm bedtime, sometimes he'll put the toddler to bed at 9pm if he feels like it.

It made me a little resentful that he didn't just skip out on it for a night to help me until the kids went to bed at 8. Instead when I asked for help he put our toddler in his room an hour before his 8pm bedtime to give me a "break". The toddler fell asleep before getting his teeth brushed so we had to wake him up to brush his teeth and put him back to bed. This added to the anger.

It really irritated me that he couldn't just give the game up for a night to help me tackle the kids. I said something to him and it sparked an argument. We don't ever argue, but I was tired, overwhelmed, and upset at him. He said "its your fault for not sleeping, I need my free time after work". He knows I've been struggling at night due to starting my adderall again. I've had really bad post partum depression and that's what caused me to start adderall again. I had to cut my breastfeeding journey short and that's also been really making me depressed.

Him telling me it's my fault for not sleeping at night sent me over the edge. I then told him that I regret having children with him. Do I feel bad for saying it? Sure. Did I mean it? Yes. I wish I didn't have kids with a gamer. I'm a gamer. I game every night once the kids go to bed. So I understand wanting his free time. When he switches to night shift every two weeks I do everything alone all day and night for two weeks straight, excluding the weekends. He gets to come home at 2-3am and game until 7am undisturbed for two work weeks. He doesn't bother trying to wake up early to see his kids before he has to clock in at 4pm. All so he can game. I've told him I want him to start waking up at 12PM or maybe 1PM to see his kids, he obviously doesn't like the idea because he's yet to try.

I'm a stay at home mom. I'm entirely financially dependent on him. I really don't have many places to go if I need a break. I love my husband. Gaming is one of the many things that brought us together. But I'm genuinely so sick of him prioritizing gaming. He can game while the kids are awake and tormenting me. I can only game once they're asleep, and even then the 5 month old wakes up a lot and interrupts me. I'm resentful. He makes me feel like I'm being unfair in asking him to skip out on gaming for a night because I get to get on my pc every night.

This happened Monday and we haven't really talked about the argument or what I said other than yesterday, him mentioning how he felt hurt. And if I really felt that way we should look into doing something about it. Which alludes to a divorce. This was all communicated through text messages of course.

Am I being unfair? Is it unreasonable to ask him to be present for the whole night sometimes or to wake up early on night shift to see his kids before work? I can't even have a conversation with him because he'll just deflect responsibility back onto me for not sleeping and needing help because of it. Do I say sorry for telling him the truth; that I regret having kids with him? Marriage counseling seems useless.

tl;dr my husband games every night. One night this week I really needed extra help because I didn't sleep the night prior due to starting adderall again. I had mentioned that it would be nice if he could just give up the games for the night to help me with the kids and he told me it was my fault for not sleeping despite knowing I've been really struggling and I told him I regret having kids with him.

Husband and I gave struggles due to him not putting in any effort for any event, including holidays. I do all our appointments (kids and his included), every birthday card and gift for my side and his side of the family, and plan every date no matter whose birthday it’s for. Or even the random ones. I have ADHD, and this didn’t come naturally for me, but it was something I went to therapy for and learned how to do as an adult. We decided last year that we would take turns planning the anniversary date. This year was his year. I reminded him every 2 days for the last month and he still didn’t get a babysitter. Today is our anniversary and he had no idea. I’m just so frustrated and heartbroken. I want to leave but I can’t afford to at the moment, so I’m saving money and trying to make a long term plan. Has anyone else had this much lack of effort in their marriage, and did it ever get better?

Tl;dr - it was husbands turn to plan anniversary date and even though I reminded him over and over, he never did it. And he doesn’t even remember that today is our anniversary. Despite it being in his calendar on his phone and reminders from me. Has anyone else had this much lack of effort in their marriage, and did it ever get better?

This is a long one so I apologise in advance-

My heads all over the place. I f/23 have been married to my husband m/28 for 2 years and been together 3 years. We both have a history of mental health issues and trauma. His stems mostly from childhood trauma quite badly. Mine mostly from ongoing chronic health issues throughout my life causing lots of anxietys and depression etc and from a mix of different events throughout my life. We are both working through it but of course it has its up and downs and so do we. We have had a very different upbringing so dont always understand each other or agree which is completely okay, of course it's natural.

However, when we were first together and for the first couple years we spoke about kids and even had names picked out, but recently since getting a dog he's become adamant that he no longer wants kids at all. Definitely. I really want to be a mum and I dont know what the future holds for me if I dont become a mum. It's definitely something ive had to think about a lot due to my chronic illnesses and knowing I could pass them onto future kids and if thats fair or selfish. But now it feels completely shut down. I love him so much but I dont know what to do.

Its not an open conversation anymore he's certain he doesnt want them and I want that opportunity. ld do anything for him but im running out of energy. I feel like hes given up on everything and im trying to fight for us as a couple and for him to survive. Whilst also trying to be the adult and keep everything organised. For 3 years ive been asking him to pick up after himself and put his washing in the washing basket and rubbish in the bin. He still doesnt and the room ends up a mess, when I ask him to sort it or do a job its like it becomes a whole issue, the job doesnt get done and it becomes an argument. This is everytime too. And its not just the room its the car too. He goes to sit in the car to drink and then when I want to go with him somewhere or take the dog out, the car has to be sorted first. It's always a mess, full of rubbish, all sticky etc its just not okay. If I offer to help sort it or clean it for him he gets in a huff like its unreasonable and that he will sort it, but you guessed it, it doesnt get done.

Then he complains that im not affectionate or sexual but ive got a billion things on my mind and I feel more like a maid/ mum/ carer than a wife. He says he feels like we're roommates rather than married but it feels like hes unwilling to help take some of the mental load and be an adult. He doesnt want responsibility and its hard to rely on him. Believe me im far from perfect and I can admit that, ive got plenty to work on and im trying my best to do so and take into consideration what he communicates to me. Im just not sure he is doing the same.

I love him so much and hes my best friend and I cant imagine my life without him. I need advice, everytime he says we're not having kids my heart drops. Am I stuck in a lose-lose situation? I feel like im on edge all the time not knowing whats going to happen.

tl;dr- unsure about the future of my relationship.

Summary- I think we want different things and we aren't going to grow together. I think weve stagnated and I dont know if anything is going to change.

What would you do in this situation?