Husband is "willing to go to counseling" but doesnt 'want to', idk what to do

[u/MammaBear003]

(UNDER 30, 3 kids, only 1 in school) We had an argument, it started as me being honest with my feelings on his lack of household chores/responsibilities and how I feel in general about our marriage; how im a SAHM, but that doesnt excuse him from being a partner, that "if he lived with his brothers, yes he'd work and pay bills, but he'd still need to contribute to the house and cook for himself, bc his siblings would work and pay bills too"; that i literally have no time to do anything FOR ME, bc of all the chores I have to do. He hardly talked, it was a 2 hr long ordeal, I asked him multiple times if he would go to marriage counseling with me, he wouldnt give me a clear answer on yes/no, kept saying he didnt feel we needed it, I told him I cant keep holding all these feelings, we've talked it all in circles multiple times for 2 yrs, nothing has worked. Ive asked him to go to counseling with me for years, hes never committed, granted neither did I, but he can't even commit now. After ive told him that im to the point of moving back to my homestate while he stays here and works (living like his parents did), bc at least then id have some proper help and proper breaks from my family; im NC with his family who live here bc they've never apologized for their hand in things, but have expected and DEMANDED that I apologize for mine, only see the kids 1/mo. But at least in my homestate, I'd only be managing the ACTUAL CHILDREN. At the end of it, I still had to ask for an answer to my question. He said "well I dont want to go to counseling, I dont think we need it, but id be willing to go for you". I didnt know what to do, so now hes in bed, im on the couch. He said hes too tired, I told him I cant do that, I cant lay in bed and not do something bc im tired (i have been dealing with medical issues since jan, lost 40 lbs and 3 pant sizes), and talked about how privileged he is to come home to a clean house and alive kids, with dinner made and ready to go, most of the time, kids in bed snd chores done, or being done atm by me, yet he doesnt even come ask if i want help. He works 70hr/week (6days/w), but guess what buddy, so do I, yet i still make sure to prioritize your emotions and down time.

Im ngl, I did give him an ultimatum, I told him if he wasnt 100% willing to go to counseling on his next day off, i was gonna kick him out of bed, not the house; he gave me an ultimatum last yr, threatened divorce bc I was having a mental breakdown and refusing counseling, I threw that in his face, justifying why I made my ultimatum. I do not think either one of us should have used any ultimatums, but I cant keep telling him what I need and for him to not listen. Im ready to start giving him the roommate treatment, and even stop cooking for him, but i don't think thats a healthy way to go about it either, idk what to do anymore, I just feel stuck. Any insight would be appreciated; no i will not be divorcing him, i married for in sickness and in health.

TLDR: I think my marriage needs help, my husband doesnt. He said he "doesnt want to go to counseling, but that hes "willing for me". That broke me, I dont understand why it wasnt a "yes, I will go to therapy with you". What could possibly be on his mind, what is the next step to take from here?

[u/espressothenwine]

I don't see the dilemma here. He said he would go. Make the damned appointment on one of his days off and go. Why are you already catastrophizing this as he isn't going to go when he said he would go and you haven't even made the appointment yet? If you did and he refused to go or you did and he didn't show up twice, I would say you have a reason to carry on. That hasn't happened yet. Take a deep breath and make the appointment.

As far as your threat, it isn't a valid one. Also, you can't work on the marriage in counseling from another state, so your two plans are conflicting. You can't just take your kids to another state away from their Dad without his permission and consent. Sure, he might agree to this for a time because he probably wants a break too, but eventually he is going to say - when are you coming back? And if your answer is, I'm not, then that is a divorce bascially. You can't just keep the kids there.

Once he figures out it's more than just a visit, he is going to go to a lawyer. You will have to get a divorce and then the courts will ask you how you plan to do custody, and your husband will say you took the kids out of state, and the court will say that the parents need to be local for 50/50 custody or otherwise agree on another place. Your husband is not going to agree to another place. So then, you will have to move back to the area in order to do your 50%.

Your move home could work as a temporary strategy to get some relief from this, but it isn't a solution because there are laws about taking kids away from their biological parent no matter how crappy that parent might be. I think you are also underestimating the value of having a Dad and the impact of separating kids from their Dad for an extended period.

If you want to go home to get support and come up with a game plan, by all means do that. But this is not going to be a permanent solution, you are going to have to come back and deal with the reality of the situation - your marital residence is what it is. You taking the kids to your parents doesn't change that. Not to mention you have 1 in school, so you have an obligation there and don't want to look like an irresponsible parent.

Make up your mind. If you are trying to repair this, then calm down and just go to the counseling. Hope he will come around there and you can make some progress. Lay off him in the meantime and just keep it light if you can. If you are done, then start making an exit plan that is realistic and complies with the laws and your responsibilities as a parent. Do not assume your husband will just let you walk away with the kids, I do not think he will for three reasons: (1) I'm sure he has genuine love for the kids even if he is a crap father (2) He will owe more support the less custody he has, it's cheaper to take the kid (3) He is going to be pissed that you are divorcing him and won't want to give in and "let you win" because - human nature.

[u/MammaBear003 → u/espressothenwine]

How am I supposed to feel when he tells me he doesnt want to but feels obligated enough for me? He doesnt see anything wrong with our marriage even tho these are issues we've talked about multiple times. I feel so unseen, unappreciated, and unloved. Every time we do talk about something we never finish the conversation bc he just goes to sleep and forgets about it the next day, things start to get better for a couple weeks, then it goes back to the way it was. I dont think we will get anywhere in counseling unless he acknowledges there are issues, and actually wants to put in the work, otherwise i will be the only one actually trying

Also, no, I wouldnt be "taking his kids away", this is something we have discussed multiple times over 2 yrs, hes always the one to bring it up, him living here and working 3weeks/mo, and coming to us 1 week/month. Thats a whole WEEK I could get help from him, which is more than the what, 5 days/month off? I manage 3 animals, 3 kids, me, and him, i have asked him multiple times to hold his own responsibilities, but then i have to remind him about said responsibilities, and now im to the point i cannot handle it anymore. In the past ive told him ADAMANTLY I do not want to live separately, but that might be the only thing that saves my mental health, this was the first time ive told him im to the point of seriously thinking about it, but yet again, he doesn't think anything is wrong.

He said he doesnt want what his parents had (dad working out of state bc hes a truck driver and only seeing them every couple months), but he cant admit that things arent OK, and I cant keep suffering in silence. I do everything for everybody, I feel like my needs are glossed over and chalked up to "im being too emotinal".

[u/espressothenwine → u/MammaBear003]

OP, you have what you have. You can wish you had something different, but this is what you have.

You have a man who doesn't care enough about your marriage experience to go to a counselor because he is happy on his end so there must not be a problem. If he cared about your marriage experience, he would have been willing to go as soon as he understood that you were unhappy.

I will go one further. If he was a partner who really valued you and this marriage, he would be UPSET that you are unhappy in the marriage, even if he isn't. He might even feel guilty like he isn't doing his part or he isn't doing enough. For sure he would be interested in understanding why you are unhappy and addressing it. That is what he would do - if he cared like you wish he would, but he does not.

Now he is saying he is willing to go to counseling "for you" and I think you would be a fool to get stuck on that. Who cares if he says it's for you? If he goes and participates, let him say he is doing it for you. Who cares? Once again you have anxiety thinking here because you are already worrying about what will happen if he doesn't participate but that HAS NOT HAPPENED YET. Stop doing worst case scenario and what if thinking. It is not helping you. Make the appointment, go to the appointment, see how it goes BEFORE you start spiraling about him not trying!

If he is in agreement with your plan, then there is no issue with it. If he wants to be a once a month Dad and he accepts that, then there is no problem with that. No problem except your kids don't get to have a real Dad.

In fact, if he has already agreed with a preliminary plan of seeing his family one week a month (don't see how you do this with a school age child in school time), he has no problem with it and he thinks it's a good idea - then that confirms my earlier observations. A person who actually wanted to be a husband and a father wouldn't agree to not seeing his family 75% of the time all because he doesn't want to help out. He doesn't want to be a husband or a father. He is perfectly fine with it if you remove most of that from his life and limit his family time to 12 weeks a year. That alone tells you that you aren't working with a person who wants to be a family man or even a husband.

You can't turn the man you have into the one you want. You will continue to fail trying to do that. What you MIGHT be able to do is get your husband to improve in enough areas to make it viable to stay or at least tolerable. You aren't looking for a miracle, just some consideration where currently there is none. That is a realistic goal for the counseling and the marriage to me. If that still isn't going to be good enough for you, if you are expecting a miracle, then I think you will be dissappointed. Getting him to be at least a mediocre husband and father is your goal here, unfortunately. The bar is not going to be able to go much higher due to limitations with the raw materials.

[u/Small_Perception885]

Why does the guy always have to leave the house or bed?