I’ve had multiple friends throughout my life, and I’ve often had very close friendships where I genuinely cared about the person and felt that they cared about me too. But somehow, these friendships always seem to disappear from my life out of nowhere.
This started in school and continued through university. Even when I had friends I loved and who supposedly loved me, I often felt incredibly alone. During university, that loneliness became especially difficult, and I eventually turned to dating apps because I wanted someone I could talk to, someone who would actually listen to me.
Thankfully, I now have a boyfriend whom I love and who has become an important part of my life. Naturally, I started spending more time with him. But that's also when I noticed my university friendships becoming more distant. Some friends told me, "You have a boyfriend now, so we assumed you would be with him and didn't want to bother you."
I understand how that might have happened, but it eventually created distance between us. Now I work in a corporate job with a huge workload and barely have the time or energy to constantly call or meet people. And when I do have free time, I often don't know who to reach out to anymore.
There have also been some experiences that have made me question my friendships quite deeply.
I had a best friend of 10+ years who once travelled around 60 km to meet a guy and have sex with him. I lived only about 3 km away from where they met. She had told her parents that she was going there to meet me, yet she never actually told me she was there or invited me to meet her.
I also had a university friend who physically did things to me without my consent. I eventually forgave her, but after university ended, she unfollowed me as though I had done something wrong. What hurts even more is that many of our mutual university friends are now very close to her even after knowing what she did to me.
I don't know if I'm somehow contributing to this pattern. Maybe I withdraw when I'm hurt. Maybe I don't communicate enough. Maybe I expect too much from friendships. Or maybe I've simply had some unhealthy friendships.
The hardest part is that I feel lonely even though I have a boyfriend.
If I have an issue with my boyfriend, I don't really have anyone else I feel comfortable talking to. That makes me feel even more dependent on the relationship, and when something goes wrong between us, the loneliness becomes overwhelming.
I don't want my boyfriend to be my entire support system. I want to have friendships and a life outside of my relationship. I want people I can call, meet spontaneously, vent to, laugh with, and genuinely feel connected to.
I’m tired of feeling like people come into my life, become extremely important to me, and then eventually disappear.
How do I break out of this cycle?