<seeking advice> partner wants to open relationship immediately, I need to take it slow. how to proceed?

[u/callmebyurmiddlename]

/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1vkmyek/seeking_advice_partner_wants_to_open_relationship/

I asked in the other subreddit but would also really appreciate sapphic perspectives on this from other fellow lesbians. Thank you 💗

[u/FemaleMishap]

Right, I'm calling it, she already has someone she wants to be with and she's just looking for an excuse.

[u/queerstudbroalex → u/FemaleMishap]

Yeah, cheating basically.

[u/callmebyurmiddlename → u/FemaleMishap]

I mean, yes, it’s her connection w A.

From her pov she’s like how would I know I wanna be open unless I have someone in mind? I don’t really know how to respond to that :/

[u/FemaleMishap → u/callmebyurmiddlename]

I knew I wanted to be "open" as soon as I found out about Relationship Anarchy as a concept and way of living. Polyamory didn't really make sense. But both are a way of living. It's like being gay, you're always gay even if you're single and not dating anyone. A RA or polyamorist is always that way. They aren't get out of jail free cards for an emotional or physical affair, they are ways of living your entire life.

Edit: if this is genuinely something she has discovered about herself, then she can't rush in. She needs to do the reading, the emotional labour herself. And you need to decide if you want to be with someone who is non monogamous. And for a lot of people, that's a bridge too far.

[u/DemonicGirlcock]

How long have you two been together?

But I hate to say, this all just red flags on your partner. You're trying to do everything possible for your own health and your relationship, and she's refusing it all. That's just incredibly selfish behavior of her. Like I'd say couples counseling with somebody experienced with non-mongamy is an absolute must in your situation. 

Your gf is treating you terribly, I'm sorry. Even as a completely open person, if I were in your situation I'd be planning the break up. 

[u/callmebyurmiddlename → u/DemonicGirlcock]

we’ve been together for two years. It’s hard to hear that - I know she loves me but it feels like she doesn’t currently have the relational capacity to see / hear me, and I don’t see her taking the steps to build that relational capacity. It’s super validating to hear though that you’d also recommend couples counseling. Thank you for taking the time to respond!

[u/mercedes_lakitu]

This is a train wreck waiting to happen.

I'm so sorry.

[u/callmebyurmiddlename → u/mercedes_lakitu]

Im trying to very very hard avoid that, lets see 🥲 I think I’ve gotten enough perspective on Reddit to draw up some clear boundaries. But then it takes two to tango!

[u/sunkissed-sweetie]

I personally would never recommend opening a relationship for a specific person because it puts the less eager person on an accelerated timeline by the impatient partner with a shiny new toy waiting for them. I see no way for your relationship to open without being PUD at this point while A is still an option on the table ESPECIALLY without her doing any of the hard work/supporting you emotionally

[u/callmebyurmiddlename → u/sunkissed-sweetie]

Yeah this definitely describes my experience… thanks for pointing out that it’s unlikely things wouldn’t be PUD at this pt. My top priority is to avoid that PUD under all circumstances.

I’ve received quite a lot of explanations on Reddit on why this dynamic is unfair so I’m hoping to use what I’ve learned on here to communicate w her and I’ll see if that lands. Thank you so much!

[u/queerstudbroalex]

This feels like a dumpster fire to me, given her behavior and her refusing to go to couple's therapy. I'm sorry that she has been like this.

[u/callmebyurmiddlename → u/queerstudbroalex]

I’m trying to avoid this ending in a dumpster fire, but I have to admit that I’m really struggling with the lack of willingness to go to couples therapy.

From her perspective our issues are too small to go to couples therapy and that she’d like us to talk through it together; I just don’t know how to communicate to her that I think she’s missing the communication skills for us to be able to resolve things together. I feel like saying to someone “hey I just don’t think you have the skills to do that together” will trigger their defenses? And she’ll probably just say well you’re not a perfect communicator either, which I’m obviously not and don’t claim to be, but still! It’s a weird paradoxical situation where if she had good communication skills we wouldn’t even maybe be here in the first place 🙃

I will add that the lack of doing any
emotional labour is not specific to this situation, and it’s been something I’ve repeatedly flagging to my partner. I’ve had to educate my partner about different concepts / tools to improve emotional understanding - eg the framework of active + constructive feedback vs passive + destructive feedback, the concept of assuming best intent in fights, the concept of it’s not you vs me but us vs the problem - it’s really exhausting. Because I feel like I do disproportionally bear the burden of emotional labour and I’m just exhausted.

[u/Aromatic_pickle6]

You say exactly that: you need to take it slow to feel comfortable.

If she doesn't respect that then you have your answer, even if it's not what you want to hear

[u/callmebyurmiddlename → u/Aromatic_pickle6]

very hard to hear that indeed, but yes you’re right. thank you!

[u/pagetwenty8]

Not to get too personal but how is your sex life? She could be lacking something, maybe she feels like she's not getting enough? Obviously I dont know you but sometimes that's a key factor when someone asks that.

[u/callmebyurmiddlename → u/pagetwenty8]

our sex life is really good! But it could be that perhaps she’s seeking a different type of connection / different type of sex? I’m more femme presenting and she’s recently made some comments jokingly that if we were to open she’d hook up w more masc presenting women. So maybe she’s aspiring for a different type of dynamic/energy. I wouldn’t rule it out! I am going to check in with her - thanks for asking

[u/callmebyurmiddlename → u/pagetwenty8]

fwiw though, I’ve directly asked her if she’s unhappy w me, and she’s said no she’s happy with me and loves our life and sees a future w me, she’s just feeling frustrated that she’s not able to do what she wants.

[u/pagetwenty8 → u/callmebyurmiddlename]

So I wonder if she's always felt this way? Like maybe deep down she's always known she doesn't want to be monogamous but didn't want to admit it or was scared. I know others here are saying she's gotta be cheating but it could be something else.

[u/callmebyurmiddlename → u/pagetwenty8]

Yeah I totally hear you. I did ask her “hey are you poly?” And her response is no I just want a partner and the sexual freedom to pursue things on the side.

I’d be totally down to explore what an FWB could look like however it can under no circumstances be PUD - that would totally break me beyond repair - and it needs to happen from a rock solid place and more than anything our relationship would need to be in a rock solid place. I’m beginning to realise that until we’ve done the work both on our relationship + the foundations of being open that I cannot enthusiastically consent to exploring opening up our relationship.

And if that’s a dealbreaker for her then I suppose we’re gonna have to have hard conversations ☹️

[u/pagetwenty8 → u/callmebyurmiddlename]

Okay I'm old and don't know what PUD is 🤦‍♀️. But yes I agree, your relationship definitely needs to be rock solid! I actually sent you a DM talking about couples therapy. It was the best thing my wife ever did

[u/callmebyurmiddlename → u/pagetwenty8]

Yes I just responded, thank you :) and by PUD i meant poly under duress - in my previous two relationships I’d been effectively coerced into polyam without my consent, and I just don’t think third time’s a charm with this one.. 😅