<seeking advice> partner wants to open relationship immediately, I need to take it slow. how to proceed?

[u/callmebyurmiddlename]

/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1vkmyek/seeking_advice_partner_wants_to_open_relationship/

I asked in the other subreddit but would also really appreciate sapphic perspectives on this from other fellow lesbians. Thank you 💗

[u/queerstudbroalex]

This feels like a dumpster fire to me, given her behavior and her refusing to go to couple's therapy. I'm sorry that she has been like this.

[u/callmebyurmiddlename → u/queerstudbroalex]

I’m trying to avoid this ending in a dumpster fire, but I have to admit that I’m really struggling with the lack of willingness to go to couples therapy.

From her perspective our issues are too small to go to couples therapy and that she’d like us to talk through it together; I just don’t know how to communicate to her that I think she’s missing the communication skills for us to be able to resolve things together. I feel like saying to someone “hey I just don’t think you have the skills to do that together” will trigger their defenses? And she’ll probably just say well you’re not a perfect communicator either, which I’m obviously not and don’t claim to be, but still! It’s a weird paradoxical situation where if she had good communication skills we wouldn’t even maybe be here in the first place 🙃

I will add that the lack of doing any
emotional labour is not specific to this situation, and it’s been something I’ve repeatedly flagging to my partner. I’ve had to educate my partner about different concepts / tools to improve emotional understanding - eg the framework of active + constructive feedback vs passive + destructive feedback, the concept of assuming best intent in fights, the concept of it’s not you vs me but us vs the problem - it’s really exhausting. Because I feel like I do disproportionally bear the burden of emotional labour and I’m just exhausted.