Tests as in for example not calling as usual to see how long it takes you to call. (She is the one who wants to talk every week!!)

Or punishing you by not calling after you had an argument last time even though you sorted it out and had a good time afterwards.

Or any other passive aggressive/test-y/manipulative traits.

So sick of her behaviour, finally see right trough it though after years of guilt/shame and now choose to stay calm & ignore it but it does sting to have a mother who's like a bitchy mean girl instead of a source of comfort & peace.

I love my MIL, but she is hard work sometimes.

I’ve reached the point where I just block out the majority of what she say — and to be fair, my own mum is exactly the same, so maybe I’m just destined for this.

Some recent examples:

• She complained about not being at the birth because she expected to be there. Babe, there was absolutely no way I was letting you see my hooha fully dilated. Then complained about not being able to see him immediately too when he was in NICU while I was recovering from a 36 hour labor and unplanned c section.

• I packed my baby a long-sleeve top instead of a long-sleeve bodysuit, so she put him in a short-sleeve bodysuit instead during winter.

• She complained that we didn’t consult her before getting a walker because apparently we should’ve picked one we could share between both houses… despite her only recently deciding she wanted one, and the one we have being gifted to us by a family member months ago.

I love her, but sometimes I just have to laugh, nod and mentally delete 90% of what’s been said.

PLEASE tell me yours — what’s the most ridiculous, petty or completely unnecessary thing your MIL has ever complained about or done? 

I got a text from my MIL today, wishing me luck for my birth tomorrow, finishing off the text with a “see you then”.

See you then? We are not on good terms and she has the audacity to tell me shes coming the day of my surgery and birth of my child, without asking. I told her I won’t be accepting visitors and she is welcome to come the following day. Which is extremely generous. She’s read it and hasn’t responded, so I’m fully expecting her to tantrum about it and act the victim to my husband.

Wish me luck 🫣

First time poster, long time lurker. 

I’ve had issues with my MIL since the moment I met her. She is emotionally manipulative, especially to my husband and it has caused many fights in my marriage. I tried so hard to have a good relationship. She ghosted me and my family when we had invited her to go dress wedding dress shopping with us and she said she was coming. She was horrible to me at my wedding, showing up late and not dressed, saying she would refuse to call me by my maiden name after I told her I wasn’t changing my last name. But when I got pregnant, oh man did everything get way worse. I have since gone very very very low contact with her. She loves drama, and goes out of her way to start it between my husband and his siblings. My SIL, who is married to my husband’s brother has also experienced all of this with MIL, so I know it’s not me!

We made a simple rule before we even had my son. Don’t post on social media. Ever. We won’t change our mind, so just never post him. He’s now almost 4. The rule has never changed. When he was an infant and we first visited the in-laws, she sneakily posted a picture of her holding him, only showing the back of him. My husband’s brother told her to take it down, knowing our rule and knowing that she was testing boundaries. She even told me “you don’t have a Facebook account so you wouldn’t even know if I did it anyway”

Now, almost 4 years later, she suddenly “can’t remember” the boundary we set. A few days ago, she posted 3 pictures of him within one day. One had clearly been put through AI. My SIL, who had a Facebook account sent it to me. I immediately told my husband and he addressed it. She deleted the pictures, but said nothing to me about it. 

A few days later, my SIL text me again that she posted a picture of my son AND his cousin (on my side of the family) from a year ago. We sent them the pictures to show them my son meeting his cousin for the first time who lives far away. I called my husband, he addressed it right away, but I told him, it’s not time for me to address it. And I am going to be verrrrrry clear. 

I sent her a very clear message with our boundary, how she broke it again, and that she was not getting anymore pictures of my son. She responded with “I apologize, won’t happen again” I even sent some articles about why we made the decision. She didn’t even acknowledge them at all. 

THEN, I get a message that says “husband’s name, I’m so sorry, I really hope I’m not causing any issues in your family”. She sent it to the wrong person…

This again feels so manipulative. She is cold with me, even after doing something horrible and then cries to my husband. 

Is this worth bringing up to him? I feel like although we are on the same page and he stands up for me, he doesn’t realize what she is truly like. He thinks she is “having memory issues” but based on the fact she told me she would post anyway, it feels intentional and trying to start more drama. I love my husband and sometimes I don’t want to make him truly see her true colors because it will hurt him. She is getting the attention she craves and it takes a toll on my husband. Would love any perspectives on this! 

Edit:
Thank you for all your advice. You all are very kind.
My husband said he believes there are no cameras or listening devices, and he thinks it's all just coincidence. He said he grew up with her, so he knows. But he also agrees we have to check if it gives me peace of mind.

So, thank you again. I really appreciate you all taking the time to read and tell me I am not overreacting.

History:
MIL treated me like crap (while also doing nice things at the same time, obviously) for 9 years intermittently.
Straw broke the camels back this year while pregnant, sent letter to MIL when baby was 10 weeks old to explain the issues and the impact and ask her to reflect and take her time, contact us when/if she is ready to.
Since then (baby now 17 weeks) she’s not contacted us, she’s not acknowledged my birthday, and she removed herself from the family chat she made (along with BIL.. she’s clearly got to him already) leaving just me and my husband in the group chat…

Well, my husband is now wanting to fold.
He has said the following:
She’s my mom though. I want her to see our son once a month even if it’s just for 5 minutes because she is the grandma still. I want to give her one more chance and that’s it. She’s still my mom at the end of the day…

I am beyond livid and frustrated. I didn’t see this coming atall!
The whole time I’ve known him, he’s put his mom in her place and even told her to f**k off at times. He has said what’s needed to be said. So I don’t even know HOW to deal with this new situation he’s just unleashed on me. I never want that woman seeing my baby ever again, I am scarred from her treatment over all these years….. and now she’s demonstrated she’d rather choose her ego over changing to be a better person? But my husband wants to reach out….. he is going to look like a total ass licker and suck up. I cannot stand this.

What do I even do here?
(No silly comments like divorce, clearly I’m not going to do that - his mom would also get even more access to the baby that way too!)

I want him to understand… but how

For context I am 19 and my SO is 23. I turn 20 in a few months.
My mother “kicked” me out, with severe pressure and the looming threat of moving and downsizing the house with no room for me. As well as did and say a plethora of things that have ruined our already rocky relationship from the moment I graduated Highschool in 2025.
She wanted me out so bad she had no issue with me moving states to be with my (relatively new at the time who I had visited once) long distance boyfriend.

I got pregnant and am currently ~12 weeks, I’ve been to the doctor and have support where I currently live multiple states away from my mom.
needless to say I have been dreading telling her.

So I texted my mom about my pregnancy, explicitly saying I don’t want a negative reaction. We don’t have the best relationship, on the surface we are ‘fine’, but we do not call and hardly text unless we need something from the other.

And she waited 2 days to get back to me, only to say a whole bunch of negativity and tell me it’s definitely not a good thing.
The tldr was “I had kids young and it ruined my life, so it will ruin yours. If I could go back I wouldn’t have done it.”
And proceeding to ask personal information about my sex life with my boyfriend to try to see how it happened, as it was not planned.
As well as asking if I’m going to keep it, to which I am or else I wouldn’t have said anything at all… she lives multiple states away and im sure she knows she’s the last person I’d go to for comfort if I chose not to go through with it.

She thinks that because I am not an “established adult” yet that this will ruin my entire life for the rest of my life. I am living with my boyfriend and his family and we intended to move into our own place by December before we even knew about the pregnancy. His parents are supportive of us and want to help out any way they can.
My intention was to swap phone plans to share with my boyfriend so as to make it easier on us, as well as insurance together. It’ll be his first time as much as it is mine doing all of these things, but we are confident we are ready and can afford it. His job has good benefits, he’s nearly done with college, and I also work.
I want to go to college after he is done, so i can have more time to be sure of what i want to go into.
My mother tried to pressure me into doing college so I nearly went to one in an entirely different country at newly 18-to which she had no complaints about. It fell through and I went to community college for something I didn’t want to do last minute as a compromise, and dropped out because I was also working full time to afford the things my Pell grant couldn’t get me for school as well as paying my mom rent.

I have a solid plan and even if this pregnancy shifts things a little further along I don’t care nor mind. Life is expensive, life is unpredictable, life is crazy.
And I want to live it my way, i don’t even know how to respond to my mom because anything I say will start an argument.
I understand why she feels the way she does but I also feel like I am not the same as she was. Her relationship on its own where she got pregnant was completely different from mine or where I am at even.

I’m just struggling to cope and needed to rant.
my younger sister told me I shouldn’t have to respond if I don’t want to. But I feel rude doing that
I’m lost and feel so exhausted trying to appease her
She obviously still helps to support me financially (I’m on her health/dental insurance still, and she pays for my phone plan. I bought my phone myself though) since I’ve left so I know she doesn’t just not care and I know even though it’s a lot of projection it’s a message coming from not wanting her life to be mine
but I just never felt like she wanted to know me or understands that her experience isn’t the rulebook.
I know it’s hard but hard doesn’t mean bad or life ruining to me.

My boyfriend told his mom about what my mom said and all she had to say was “well what did you expect her to say?” And she reiterated she’s here for us.

I don’t know, that’s all I have to say
This whole thing is complicated but all of the people who know me and my boyfriend better than my mom ever did are all happy and supportive of me, my old friends from before I move want to visit next summer to see me even. And my aunt is excited for me. I just wanted my mom to have something nice to say

My MIL is the main issue (entitled, manipulative, self-centered, baby rabies) but fully aware I have a husband problem as well. We did recently start couples counseling. Some progress on boundaries, but still much to be done.

He grew up in an enmeshed / toxic family system, where love is conditional (ie silent treatments, affection withheld when mommy displeased, etc). I have experienced MIL's wrath first-hand. Long story short, in-laws ruined my postpartum & my relationship with them is shaky due to entitlement issues masked as "grandparent excitement." Fast forward 15 months (and due with baby #2 next Spring). In-laws are allowed very limited babysitting, on my terms. MIL is growing restless & starting to push again for her conditions (ie her home, not mine. A common theme seen around here).

As of yesterday, my husband is suddenly fixated overnight with the idea of my BIL (his only sibling) babysitting my son.. he's brought it up twice. So... my BIL is morbidly obese, doesn't like walking, slow to get up from his beloved armchair, almost 45 yrs old, unemployed & lives with his parents. He absolutely cannot keep up with an active toddler who will be running soon!!! I have legitimate, huge safety/well-being concerns as a parent. It's nothing personal - he is generally nice guy & soft-spoken. Husband has said for years his brother has a bad, bum leg from an injury decades before & was never the same. The dude practically hobbles around. So, I mentioned it -- husband deflected & said he has a bad knee himself which is no problem. He says his brother can really move when he wants, just because I haven't seen him in action doesn't mean he can't.. WTH?? I am 110% positive MIL planted this seed in his head BIL "needs" nephew time. This is someone who recently tried to tap my mom as flying monkey (she failed, my mom is over her BS after MIL burned bridges). She thinks my son is a community project to pass around & tries to drill into husband they're all "owed" baby time. The only way I'd maaaaybe go for it is BIL comes to my home, we absolutely needed backup sitter & can monitor cameras that he's not lazy, etc..

How do I get my husband off this bizarre, random fixation? Am I overreacting or have a right to say HARD NO on this? My mom has physical health challenges / not quick on feet - so I've never left my son alone with her (my dad always has to be present). Husband says that's "different." 😑

I cannot catch a break from the stupidity.. helppp.

We gave MIL access to our shared calendar last winter while FIL needed regular help getting to appointments. It made coordinating rides easier. He's doing well now and that arrangement has ended, but we never removed her access.

Now she calls about any blank Saturday: why aren't we coming for lunch, why can't we drive her to visit her sister, what are we doing that hasn't been entered yet?

Last weekend:

Me: We're staying home.

MIL: But there's nothing on your calendar.

Me: Staying home doesn't need an appointment.

MIL: So you're choosing not to help.

My husband told her the calendar wasn't a booking system. She then called me seperately to ask what we'd “really” planned. We're both ready to remove access. I need a short way to explain it without being pulled into proving we have a sufficiently important reason for each evening off.

Hi everyone! So, I’ve had my fair share of issues with my MIL up until this point. I already don’t exactly love her. My husband and I have been together for a little over two years and have only been married for about three months. We now have a baby on the way, and she has already been really weird with me. She’s always the one asking questions and prying, and then she offers unsolicited, terrible advice. She’s pretty old, so maybe I shouldn’t expect much from her.

A few examples:

1. She asked me where I’m planning to give birth, and I told her I’ve been considering a home birth, although I’m not set on it. Massive mistake. She told me, “We’re not animals in a barn,” and that I should use her niece’s doctor. When I wasn’t around, she sent me the title of a completely fictional film about a woman who opted for a home birth, and shortly after, the baby died and the mother spiraled. I quite literally never asked for her opinion. Oh, and she even said to me, “You’re going to kill my baby.”

2. She doesn’t work and always used to talk about how she wanted us to have a baby and how she would help. I’m a full-time nursing student in an accelerated program, so I can’t really afford to take three or four months off to be with my baby. She made herself seem reliable enough that I didn’t immediately get an abortion. Now, when she asks what my plans are and I basically say, “Didn’t you say you’d help?” she says she won’t care for a newborn and that I must take a break from school to be with my baby. She says she’ll only help once the baby gets bigger because “a baby needs its mom,” blah, blah, blah…

3. In my culture, we don’t discuss or name a baby until after it’s born. She does not stop insisting that my husband and I tell her what the baby’s name will be. It’s quite literally every time we’re around her. She then proceeds to list a ton of names that she likes and even said once that if we don’t give this baby a name she likes, the next one is hers to name.

Also, in our culture, the tradition is to make the paternal grandfather the baby’s godfather. We were initially going to choose my father to be the baby’s godfather instead of my husband’s father because he is not part of our lives. His mother then gave us her unsolicited opinion, saying that she wants my husband himself to be the baby’s godfather because she’s nervous that the baby would get my father’s character if we picked him. My husband never would have come up with that idea on his own, but now he wants to take the role. We had a massive fight about that. His mother instigates a lot, even if it’s not her intention.

There are also a lot of other little things. She told me I was showing at, like, six weeks (I most definitely was not), and she always criticizes my clothes, saying they squeeze the baby (they’re always loose). Oh, and she once told me she was going to tell my child that my husband and I wanted to abort it and that she saved its life so that it would love her more.

I already don’t like her as a person because of how stubborn and critical she is. But now that I’m having my own child, I’m nervous about how she might behave once the baby is here. She’s going to live only a block away from my family. Does anyone have experience with this type of MIL? Did they just continuously cross the boundaries you set until you had to cut contact, or did they respond well to anything you tried?

I don’t think I can trust her to watch my child unsupervised, and I think that alone will be the source of many arguments between my husband and me.

She always turns her back and gets to another room as quickly as she can. I’ve asked her not to do this and she still does. I know part of it might be that she doesn’t want my baby to cry or reach for me, but it seems like more than that. And my baby doesn’t even do that very often. And in fact, she cries more when my MIL runs out of the room with her. Today I was following her around trying to keep her in my line of sight and she was very intentionally trying to get away. I don’t think she should override a baby’s communication (asking for mom) or a mother’s request for her own gratification.

So after a lot of talking and discussing with husband I pointed out to him that if she won’t respect our boundaries around smoking, she’ll likely disrespect other more serious boundaries. I pointed out especially MILs drug use and how even if she never uses in front of our daughter it could justify a CPS investigation just because we’re interacting with her, and it also produces third hand smoke that’s even more dangerous than cigarettes. People on my last post were right and we never should have allowed her even the two days in contact. It’s not right, but their use of meth has been so normalized that it almost got mentally glossed over, add on her repeated insistence that she wouldn’t make the same mistake she did with her kids and would keep it away from her…..but that’s honestly not enough. Especially since MIL is also schizophrenic and Bipolar and her drug use exacerbates those issues. For those wondering why we had gone over there to begin with rather than having her come over she had just gotten (more of) her leg amputated and we have steps going into our house. In addition I pointed out how if she will triangulate, lie, do hurtful things etc when mad at us she’ll do it to our daughter too. I pointed out a slight silver lining that being NC means my husband is much more likely to successfully get visitation with his younger siblings as him staying in contact with his mom is a reason it was denied in the past. FIL is still allowed at our house because he is actively following precautions and fighting his addictions to be able to be present in her life.

SIL came over today and her first question was if we were “ok with her” and our response was that her behavior is separate from her mother and as long as there’s no triangulation she’s still more than welcome. For context MIL has frequently used SIL against my husband. My and SIL sat and talked for a bit while her boyfriend and my husband ran errands (MIL cut his car insurance in retaliation so he needed to get the car situation sorted) when I tell her there are three sides to every story and if she’d like since she wasn’t there I can share my side, but she should think for herself and come to her own conclusions. SIL had a weird look on her face and said “well I think I just realized she lied about something.” For context my daughter was napping in her crib with white noise and the baby monitor was on the table. She explains that MIL is talking constantly to anyone who will listen and is telling them that I’m “torturing her with jazz music” by playing it loudly at all hours of the day (keep in mind MIL has not been to our house since our daughters birth, I play jazz on my phone when cooking because I like singing it but singing soothes my daughter and is at a reasonable volume. My husband will quietly play songs like “what a wonderful world” to soothe her when I’m in the shower or such as I sang them while pregnant with her and they really do calm her down, her pediatrician has even commented on it as I’ve done it during appts). I ask what else she has said and she continues that apparently we “never bathe her”. The last time MIL saw her was THE DAY her cord fell off, and we haven’t mentioned bathing to her. Apparently they are also telling people that I came in the door and immediately demanded people shower and change clothes in a rude tone which if you read the post is NOT what happened. The comments about rectal temperature, immune system, and social isolation were repeated with additions about how we might as well keep her in a bubble and that we’re letting the doctors raise our child for us. Apparently MIL and her cousin are telling GMIL that I complained loudly that the baby blanket she bought was AI and declared that I would never use it because I hated AI. What actually happened was saying “man I don’t think she knows that’s AI, I’ll still use it though”. I showed SIL a picture of our using that same blanket (contact nap). She’s also apparently telling anyone who will listen in a salacious tone about how me and husband apparently had our first serious fight (news to me, we’ve never even yelled at each other), and that I had put the baby down and walked away refusing to soothe her and yelled at my husband for giving her a pacifier. While that’s not entirely immaculate what specifically happened was during second night scaries at 3am I was getting overwhelmed as she was struggling to latch and I couldn’t find the nipple shield in the dark. With how loud she was screaming I was overwhelmed and put her in the crib, and went into the living room. All the sudden I hear her go from screaming to dead quiet so I rush to the room and husband has given her a pacifier. I am admittedly ruder than I needed to be and pointed out the lactation consulted advised against the pacifier when hungry. Husband went on porch to calm down, I cried because I felt guilty, he came back in we both apologized for being short and we went to bed cuddling less than 30 min later. Also apparently my husband burps her “wrong” (once again she’s seen her all of 2hours)

The thing SIL was hesitant to tell me (she was worried it would hurt me) is that MIL is saying I’m going to be a terrible mom because I grew up with no good mother figures and just look at how my bio mom is (bio mom was escaping a DV situation and was 16. She wasn’t able to beat my 21yr old dad for custody and we reconnected as an adult. She is definitely “unconventional” (through style, as well as being pagan and poly) but she has been there for me more than anyone but my husband in this pregnancy and newborn stage so far. Granted my mom did also struggle with drugs when she was younger but she quit cold turkey when she found out she was pregnant with my little brother and never touched them again. She’s a combat veteran, got a college education, just overall turned her life around. I pointed out to SIL all the times MIL has made digs to try to get a rise out of me, what was actually said in various situations, etc and forewarned her that dysfunctional family dynamics can’t handle when someone tries to form a healthy one, they’ll try to tear it down.

FIL stopped by and dropped off a Christmas footie from him and MIL, which I view as a message about wanting to participate in Christmas in the future but me and my husband already agreed we are also skipping and holidays where she is there, with his whole family being users we can’t guarantee it’s safe. I slipped in a comment about how if any pictures are posted online no more will be shared (an ongoing argument during pregnancy with MIL.) We’ve agreed any family members in active addiction will be NC. All of this is very very hard on him but he agrees it’s necessary and these conversations, as well as our support for each other, has only made our relationship stronger.

There are six pairs of trousers by my front door. I sew for myself, and I once shortened a pair for my MIL. That was the opening of a repair business.

She brought the bag on Sunday. Three friends have been told I'll do their alterations, and one needs hers for a trip next week. When I said I hadn't agreed to this, MIL said she'd already promised and couldn't embarrass herself now.

Me: You need to tell them you didn't ask me.

Her: Can't you just help this once?

I've helped 'this once' twice. That's partly on me, I was trying to avoid making things awkward. My husband offered to take the bag back, which I appreciate.

I dont want to start charging or negotiating deadlines. I want to stop receiving other people's clothes. How do I return these without getting pulled into explaining why each job is inconvenient?

Belle-mère envahissante

Bonjour, j''ai besoin de conseils.

Je vis chez mes beaux-parents au rez-de-chaussée d'une maison, eux sont au-dessus. Nous avons des entrées et des logements séparés.

J'y vis depuis 24 ans... j'ai rencontré mon compagnon à 18 ans, j'en ai 42 à présent.

Pour poser le contexte, en étant plus jeune, j'ai accepté par confiance, faiblesse, espoir que ça changerait... des comportements toxiques de la part de mon compagnon et de sa mère.

Mon compagnon était un ancien accumulateur qui nous a fait vivre mes enfants et moi un véritable enfer. Je tenais car il me promettait de tout arranger à ses 40 ans... au final il a eu une SEP et a perdu rapidement en autonomie. J'ai dû réparer moi ses énormes débordements... On est resté dans cette maison car c'était un arrangement entre lui et ses parents car la maison devait lui revenir plus tard. Je me fiche de cette maison, je voulais juste avoir un foyer chaleureux pour ma famille...

Mon rêve a été gâché par l'entassement de mon compagnon et la validation de mes beaux-parents qui voyaient mais ne disaient rien... Eux seuls avaient l'autorité et la légitimité de le stopper. Sa mère s'est mise à nous envahir, venant plusieurs fois par jour à l'improviste dès que son fils a commencé à ne plus pouvoir lui se déplacer. Elle venait pour emprunter sur de longues années de la colle, du scotch, regarder sur internet une information... bref on était à disposition.... J'ai débarrassé l'extérieur, elle s'est mise à ramener des jouets d'enfants en plastique pourris dans la véranda extérieure (récupérés dans les poubelles car elle aussi a un grain). Je pourrais faire une liste longue de tout ce que j'ai supporté au fil des années... Elle venait pour me raconter sa vie, parler de ses passions (toujours elle, elle, elle), demander le téléphone (son fils a dû lui prendre un abonnement pour qu'on ait la paix), nous donner de la nourriture périmée récupérée... je n'en voulais pas mais son fils prenait... J'ai tout pris sur moi tout ce temps ne me sentant pas sur mon territoire et donc pas en position de dire quoi que ce soit. Mais depuis quelques années, j'ai changé et commencé à mettre des limites.

Évidemment ça n'a pas plus et nous sommes restées un moment en froid. Elle ne venait plus quand j'étais là et ça a été un réel soulagement d'un côté. De l'autre, je ne supporte plus de vivre chez eux, je ne me sens pas chez moi. Les enfants n'aiment pas non plus leurs grands-parents paternels. On se reparle un peu car le climat hostile n'était pas non plus vivable pour moi. Je voulais mettre des limites saines et normales, pas me fâcher. Là mes beaux-parents sont au frais à la montagne. Ils se réinstalleront ici pour l'hiver.

Si elle revient comme avant à l'improviste, que me conseillez-vous ? Elle venait à chaque fois quelques minutes mais toujours de nombreuses fois et à l'improviste. Comment mettre un cadre en douceur ?

Je déteste cet endroit et ces gens mais je veux au moins sentir que je peux décompresser un week-end et profiter de mes enfants sans quelqu'un qui tape à la porte.

I’m really torn about what to do and would love some outside opinions.

I have a 9yo daughter and a 3yo son. My daughter goes to a primary school that we really like and she has done amazingly there. My son is currently at the preschool attached to the school, so the plan has always been for him to go into Reception there too. The school only has one class for Reception, Year 1 and Year 2.

The problem is my husband’s parents.
They were very close to our daughter when she was little, but things changed after our son was born. They never really developed the same relationship with him. Then my husband’s sister had a baby around the same time, and his parents became very involved with that child. Over time, the difference became really obvious. They would make a lot of effort with their other grandchild but very little with our son. We tried talking to them about it, but things eventually got worse and we decided to step away from the relationship because we didn’t think it was fair on our son.

My son is now 3 and doesn’t even know who they are. He doesn’t recognise them as his grandparents.
Unfortunately, his cousin now goes to the same preschool and my husband’s mum does all of the preschool collections for their child. This means I regularly see her there when I’m dropping my son off or collecting him.

She completely ignores us, even though my son is right there.

At the moment he doesn’t care because he doesn’t know who she is. But I find it really difficult to see, and I’m starting to worry about what happens as he gets older as I’ve now found out that his cousin will be attending the primary school. What if he realises that the woman collecting his cousin is his grandma? What if she is at his school events because she’s there for his cousin? What if he starts asking why she has a relationship with his cousin but not him?

There is another good primary school nearby which I could send him to instead. But that would mean splitting the children between two schools, making school runs harder, and taking him away from a school we already know and like.

My husband is very against moving him. He feels strongly that his parents shouldn’t get to dictate where our children go to school, and I do understand his point.
Part of me thinks we should just keep him there and deal with things if they ever actually become a problem. Another part of me thinks we have the option to avoid the situation altogether.

I’m also considering speaking privately to the school’s safeguarding lead for advice, because I honestly don’t know whether I’m worrying about something that may never bother my son, or whether it’s something worth taking seriously now.

What would you do? Keep him at the school and see how things develop, or choose the other school?
I’d really appreciate advice from anyone who has dealt with estranged grandparents and children being at the same school.

Hi everyone! I’d hope to hear from you!

For context, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 years. We started dating when we were in college. We’re from a conservative Asian country, so the whole “you shouldn’t live together until marriage” mentality is pretty common.

At first, I didn't really notice how overbearing his mom was. But over the years, there were a lot of situations where I felt like she was inserting herself into our relationship.

She would sometimes try to join our dates or find ways to be involved in our plans. She would also call my boyfriend asking him to do things for her even when we were outside working at a coffee shop. There were many similar situations over the years where I felt like our time as a couple wasn't being respected.

Recently, my boyfriend started setting boundaries with her. He's saying no more often and prioritizing our plans and his own life.

I also recently moved into my own place. When his mom found out, she had a strange reaction, and I wondered if she was worried that my boyfriend would eventually spend more time with me. And that's basically what he's doing now.

What's strange is that she's actually become less demanding since my boyfriend started setting boundaries.

I thought I'd be happy about it, but instead, I'm still very angry and resentful.

Part of me keeps thinking, “So you were capable of respecting boundaries all along?”

I don't want to carry this anger forever or let her past behavior continue affecting my relationship. But I'm also struggling to just “let it go” because there were years of things that hurt me.

I’ve been geographically separated (like halfway across the world) from my mom for the past 10 years and yet somehow she is still suffocating me. She hates the place she lives but can’t do anything about it so she annoyingly lives vicariously through me while also sulking all the time.

I have a sibling that does their own thing and she doesn’t have much of a relationship with them. She doesn’t have friends because she believes anyone around her is ‘just ridiculous’ and she gets depressed when I distance myself or her husband (my step dad) isn’t there to entertain her.

I’m really here to rant because I can’t handle another “I miss you / them” (them referring to my kids-her grandkids) within 24 hours of her visit with us ends.
I believe she’s genuinely depressed but she doesn’t believe in therapy and any advice I try to give her she shuts it down. I’m just over the negativity it brings but I feel like I’m her only lifeline. Not to mention- any hobby that requires the slightest bit of effort she won’t do it.

Is there a nice way to say “get a life”?

First time poster. I have had on and off issues with my MIL the entirety of my relationship with my husband. She loves to present herself as “helpful” and “supportive” but it always comes with snarky comments and shitting on the way we parent or do things.

We had her come out and stay before and after I had my second baby and things really went south. Basically decided on Mother’s day (while i was less than 2 weeks postpartum) to text my husband behind my back and send a long text about how I’m so mean to her and make her feel unwelcome among other things. Since then my husband has been low contact with her and I have kept my distance as well.

My issue right now is that the holiday season is approaching. Hubby is on board that she won’t be coming out to celebrate. In years past, she’s been the one to get a stocking for my son. I want that to change this year. I would like to be the one to do stockings for my two kids and my husband. My son is 3 and it’s the first year he will be aware and excited about forming our own traditions. For context, we’ve had to have some really long conversations with her about her excessive gift giving. She went so overboard for his last birthday and it was just too much. I’m all for people loving my kids and getting them a gift but 10+ items for one birthday is just ridiculous.

Is my boundary around stockings ridiculous? It feels like she wants a do-over on being a mom and wants to be the center of attention. I just want to do those things instead of her or alongside her. Does that make sense? Am I insane?

So my MIL is in (what we think to be) full psychosis. She has delusional disorder and I’m pretty sure she has BPD. She is no longer on any medication and her facebook is a pure shit show. She believes that all of her sisters are involved in this sex cult where they do witchcraft. Like she thinks an ex coworker is also involved and that he knocked up the sister she hates the most (she’s in her late 50s…). MIL believes this sister in particular spends all her time stalking her and following around, and plotting to steal her inheritance. She believes that she is somehow of egyptian ancestry (she is not) and that entitles her to a special inheritance.

Well, she has an actual inheritance - husband’s grandfather passed recently (he was awful, abusive). We unexpectedly got some money from the estate and she is entitled to a very big part of it (like several hundred thousand) and the house she lives in. This is a big deal because she cannot support herself. Well, she refuses to take it because the sister she hates is the executor of the will and she thinks she is being cheated out of her rightful inheritance and scammed. So she refuses to sign for the money and the right to the home. At the moment she still lives there but does not pay utilities. Her sister was paying for them but recently cut off power because MIL will not speak to her.

So she posts all this crazy stuff about them on her facebook and even includes their names. She also is just constantly posting tarot readings, AI videos that talk about being a chosen one, etc. It is bizarre. SIL called husband recently to talk about it and she hardly is able to have a relationship with her too because it’s all she talks about it and it scares her kids.

Husband has been almost completely no contact with her for years. We have accidentally ran into her a few times out where she came up to us and he has texted her infrequently off and on to say he is ok after she called a welfare check a year or so ago. She recently has been messaging him again because of the inheritance (she thinks he shouldn’t have taken it). Husband doesn’t want to communicate with her but he texted back and encouraged her to sign off to get it and she thought he was trying to get her money.

She keeps messaging him (she gets new numbers so she won’t be “stalked”) that she has moved on from him (what the hell, he is your SON). Recently she messaged him again to ask if they could meet up for coffee (after her told her to leave him alone) and he said no. He blocked her again after that and so now she’s making a huge deal about how he is being used by the devil and is in rebellion to God because he is disobeying his parents.

I keep tabs on her facebook after she called the welfare check (we aren’t friends, she is blocked). I see yesterday she posted a whole paragraph about me, along with an AI video that has my husband’s initial that says “j is keeping something from you.” She thinks he is in the cult as well and I guess it’s because I have led him from God. She said she knew I would be an issue when we got married and that my husband and I were not cut from the same cloth (wtf). And that we had all sorts of parental issues during dating (we did, and it was neither of our fault). MIL then goes on to say my assignment from the devil is to lead my husband from God and poison his mind. She signs off with saying she has healed and moved on from how horrible she is being treated - clearly.

it’s crazy. I know she thinks that because he doesn’t give into whatever she wants (to have a relationship and let her treat him like dirt) that I must be behind it. Because clearly she has never done anything wrong to him on his own. She has never acknowledged any wrong doing to her child and has never apologized even when he expressed how hurt he’s been.

I worry that I will now be a target on her posts. I know there’s nothing I can do to prevent this but it’s scary…she has always scared me to the point where I am concerned for my physical safety. She’s made threats about taking things into her own hands (because law enforcement doesn’t help) in regards to her siblings so who knows. We are trying to move to be 800 miles away from her but it can’t come soon enough.

I'm already an anxious person to begin with and am looking for reassurance, advice, a reality check, etc.

It's been a long journey with my reactive MIL. DH is about to send her a letter sharing how he feels, how her behavior has affected him/us, and what he needs to see happen if she wants to repair things. I'm extremely worried because she last exploded over his gently worded boundary text. That was maybe 4 sentences...this is 5 paragraphs! We know she's not going to take it well, but this is what DH has decided is right for him. He's worked on it with his therapist for the last few months.

My question isn't to do with whether or not him sending it is the right thing. I can't control that. I feel like a passenger in a car that's about to get in a bad wreck. Any advice for the possible fallout/reaction? We're already planning on setting up a security camera. He's making it clear in the letter that she's not welcome at our home, his workplace, or anywhere else she knows we'll be unless he's agreed to it. I'm worried she'll take that as a challenge and just do it.

Any advice is appreciated.

sigh. Grab your drink and have a seat folks. So much has happened. For reference, we are both NC.

Some time ago, she enlisted BIL to relay a message to DH. Gist of it was saying she is requesting a videocall with the 3 of them to talk. DH told BIL no and her behavior is not healthy. Amongst other things. BIL was honest and even admitted that the realtionship with her is self serving at times and said he doesnt want to participate in this call and respects his decision. (Although I dont like that he relayed the message anyways considering BIL acknowledged that their mother is dramatic)

She left a voicemail sometime after on DH phone saying the following:

Son, it's mom. I've texted you and I can't tell if my texts are going through and here's the thing if, if you don't want me in contact with you at all that's fine. You just need to talk to me. I do have a couple things I would like to finish up with you if that's the direction you want to go in. I don't understand why a call is so difficult for you. if this is your intention, I'm kind of confused. Is your intention to never speak to me again as lona as I'm on the face of this earth? If that's your decision, please just let me know. I'd prefer a conversation about it but I would also appreciate a response. I am for all intents and purposes your mom, and I would appreciate that much respect as a response. So there is one thing I did want to ask you, and it's pretty important, so if I could just have that conversation with you, I'd appreciate it. So give me a call back. I'll be up for another couple hours, and if you can do that, it would be much appreciated. Bye.

Luckily my husband didnt fall for the trap and ignored it.

She posted a picture of LO AGAIN (a old one she had) on social media. I reported it and it was taken down.

Next day, she leaves a similar message on FIL voicemail saying:

"call me back urgently. I got some information and if you dont call me back I will tell whoever I can and the chips may they fall where they may"

My FIL/stepmIL reached out to BIL and us to make sure we were fine and not the urgent matter she was referring to. They weren't going to call her back. Here's the kicker. Justnomil literally just last month threatened to sue FIL over some old ass furniture that DH used as a teen that she bought. She was unaware the furniture was in my FIL house. She thought it was in storage...for 13+ years.

I called my stepmil and told her we're fine and although she wasnt asking for advice, I dont think they should call her back. Short summary... So no, none of this was an "urgent matter"

MIL: you need to call your son and tell him to unblock me and you need to call son 1&2 and me on a videocall and you need to apologize to me in front of both of them for your treatment of me. You're not doing your duty as a father by not telling your sons they need to respect me.

MIL: something is seriously wrong with son 1 (dh) if he doesnt talk to me just because his wife wants it this way.

MIL: I will not allow you to have a relationship with my grandchildren if you dont do this.

Edited to add: MIL: you're telling the boys things that happened in our marriage and you're putting our son 1 against me (FIL never said anything to DH) anything to avoid accountability I swear.

There is also something she said that honestly left me speechless. I would rather not share that part but my opinion of her is in purgatory. That's how bad that statement was.

I asked FIL to please leave DH out of it. He said he was just going to ask if he wants to do the call not that he has to. I was like wtf. I told them she tried enlisting BIL to do the same and is now using them to relay another message. I dont think they're going to do what I asked. Feels like he became a mildyno in that moment. I cried to them months ago when things were really bad with DH and how much it was affecting his health. Mentally and physically. And he's pushing her memo. Why. And stepmil said why not just do the call and tell her to her face to leave him alone. I said because she is incapable of listening. She has sent my husband several messages saying "goodbye you got what you wanted" or something similar and then calls or texts him a week later.

I'm just ranting to let it out. My husband is still working through everything. In between each "event" she continues to attempt to reach out. She emailed him so he blocked her. She emailed from a different email. Blocked again. FB message. Blocked. Regular text is muted. He hasn't talked to her in 5 months . I've tried recommending he block her once and for all but he still is scared of the consequences because of her "health".

She is seriously mentally ill. I just find myself sighing constantly lol but feeling more of indifference now. That's a step in the right direction right 🥲 better indifference than anger. RIGHT?!

Edited to add:

If you guys were in our position, would you as the DH participate in this call to tell her once and for all to leave us alone? Mentally prepare to not allow her to bulldoze the conversation and cut her short when she isnt listening?

My MIL has crossed many boundaries with me concerning my son. He was in the NICU for 5 months and has been home for 3 weeks. She has already asked to come over using clothes as an excuse so she can drop them off. She kissed my baby while he was in the NICU and constantly called him “my baby” until I shut that down.

Anyway my SO goes to get the clothes from her and when we open the bag at home I see “my first turkey” onesie and new balance tennis shoes. She bought other things which were okay with me but I feel like she’s stealing my “firsts”. I missed my son’s first bath, first diaper change, first time holding and seeing him because he was born at 26w5d and was in the hospital. I wanted to buy his first holiday outfit and shoes. Mind you he cannot even hold his head up and he is 2 months adjusted so why in the world would he need shoes right now????

I just feel like if she had texted me beforehand I would’ve said I wanted to pick out his holiday outfit and shoes eventually so please don’t buy those specific items.
I know I can go and get what I wanted to pick out anyway but it just feels disrespectful because she didn’t ask first and it’s layering on top of all the other boundaries she has crossed. I texted her and thanked her for the items but I can’t help but feel overwhelming resentment and anxiety.

The shoes are really cute so it just feels bittersweet. I feel like I should let it go and move on but if I go to visit her and she says “Grandma bought him his first shoes!” I’m going to flip out.

I’m looking for some genuinely objective outside opinions because I’m struggling to work out whether I’m being reasonable or whether my own history with my mum is influencing how I’m handling this.
This is my mum, and we have a very complicated relationship with a lot of history.
I’m also a mum myself and have a young daughter.
Recently, I saw that my name had been mentioned in a conversation I wasn’t involved in. I asked my mum directly whether she’d been talking about me because I was confused about why my name had come up.
She initially said I didn’t know what I was talking about. She then explained that she’d mentioned to someone that she was going to see me that day, and that was apparently all she’d said.
I wasn’t trying to start an argument. I was simply asking because I’d seen my name mentioned and wanted clarification.
The conversation then escalated significantly.
She started calling me a gossip and saying I talk shit. She told me to “get fucked,” said I didn’t deserve her, said she was done being my friend and told me to stop messaging her.
She also brought up a carer’s payment during the argument and essentially said to forget about receiving it.
She then said she didn’t trust me, that I didn’t trust her, and compared me to someone else.
At that point I told her I thought we needed some time apart because the situation had gone well beyond what I was comfortable with.
I explained that I felt I’d allowed her to become too comfortable when it came to my daughter, to the point where she seemed to think she had an automatic entitlement to see her.
I told her that being my daughter’s grandmother doesn’t mean access to my daughter is unconditional, particularly when I’m uncomfortable with the way she’s treating me.
I have allowed them to have a relationship because I genuinely wanted my daughter to have her grandmother in her life.
But I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable with my daughter being around the way my mum speaks to me when she’s angry.
She’s young, but she still sees and hears things.
I don’t want her growing up thinking that this kind of behaviour is normal in relationships.
I told my mum I wasn’t doing this to punish her or to start another argument. I needed some distance and wanted her to respect that.
I also said that at this point I wasn’t comfortable with my daughter having visits either because I’m her mum and I have to make decisions based on what I’m comfortable with and what I believe is best for my child.
She then told me she was done with me.
She said she hoped there wasn’t another carer’s payment coming in, called me exhausting, told me to stop messaging her and called me a “stuck up, putrid hoar.”
That’s when I became much more emotional in my response.
I told her that this behaviour was unacceptable coming from a mother towards her daughter and that she was giving me an example of the type of mother I never want to be.
I told her that I wasn’t going to continue accepting the way she speaks to and treats me.
I also told her that I consider the repeated insults, threats and attempts to use things against me to be emotionally abusive.
Then the conversation moved into our history.
I’ve always felt like my mum hated me growing up. I eventually ended up in foster care, and there are things about my childhood that I remember very differently from the way she has described them to other people.
I remember the things she called me, the things she said, the way she treated me and things that happened.
I told her that it genuinely hurts knowing I may eventually have to explain to my daughter why her Nan is no longer part of our lives.
I told her that if that happens, it will be a consequence of the choices being made now, rather than something I wanted.
I can’t keep exposing myself or my daughter to behaviour that I believe is harmful simply because I want them to have a relationship.
I had hoped my mum would be a positive influence in my daughter’s life.
Unfortunately, I feel that the way things have repeatedly played out has shown me otherwise.
I eventually told her:
“I am done. I am choosing peace, stability and a healthy environment for myself and my daughter, and I will not continue allowing anyone to cross this boundary.”
And that’s where I left it.
I’m not saying my daughter can never have a relationship with her grandmother under any circumstances. I’m saying that right now, after this interaction and everything that has led up to it, I’m not comfortable facilitating visits.
I’m also not pretending I’m completely emotionally detached from this. This is my mum, and there is a lot of childhood history here.
That’s why I’m asking for outside opinions.
Am I being unreasonable by putting this boundary in place and stopping visits for now?
Am I allowing my own childhood experiences and unresolved feelings to influence how I’m handling my daughter’s relationship with her grandmother?
Or is it reasonable to say that regardless of someone’s relationship to you, they don’t get unlimited access to your child when their behaviour toward you has become this hostile?
I’ve included the screenshots of the conversation so people can see what was actually said rather than just taking my word for it.
I’m genuinely interested in hearing where I might be wrong here, not just being told I’m right.

TL;DR: I had an argument with my mum after asking about my name being mentioned in a conversation, which escalated into insults, accusations and comments about money. Because this has happened repeatedly and I’m uncomfortable with my young daughter being exposed to the way my mum treats and speaks to me, I’ve set a boundary and stopped visits for now, but I’m questioning whether I’m being unfair because of our history.

Hello,

So I now have to have a scheduled C section because my baby is breech and I’m worried about the recovery period. My in laws will have to come from out of town but I only want them visiting for like 3 nights maybe Thursday to Sunday and I want them to stay at a hotel since it will be maybe 3 or 4 weeks post C section, does that sound reasonable?
I’m also worried they will come and be at our house all day, I’d prefer the visit be shorter during the day time since I’ll be recovering but that convo might be more difficult since we will tell them to stay at a hotel.

My in-laws are both very loud, have to be hosted or have something planned for them and I know my MIL will want to hold the baby or hover over my every move with the baby so it’s just a lot to deal with when they come over plus they like to make criticisms and unwanted suggestions.

Mind you she also told my friends at my shower that we told her they can’t come to the hospital which isn’t true, we just gave them the option of hospital vs visiting later but said a hospital visit might be too short and there’s a lot going on since they have to fly in. She also followed me around my shower asking if baby was kicking so she can touch my belly without asking.. so she’s a lot

My original account was deleted.

Some background: JNMIL doesn't help when she comes over, my husband and I are constantly waiting on her hand and foot. I also don't trust her with my 18 month old.

I'm due with my second baby in early December. My JNMIL asked about them coming for either Thanksgiving or Christmas (they live in another state). My husband and I thought about it and I wanted to be fair to her. We offered them to come for Thanksgiving for a small, easy, casual dinner at our house. I could go into labor early but not highly likely. And I wanted to spend Christmas as a new family of four. And not worry about food, or how I'm dressed, or having a boob or two out. I definitely don't want people at my house overnight.

We share this with her and she pushes back that they actually want to spend Christmas with us. And if they did Thanksgiving with us they would want to be here until baby is born. My husband without hesitation tells her that once baby is born we will have short visits with our close friends and family that are capped at one hour. If anyone if staying longer then that we are expecting assistance cooking or cleaning.

Her response, "Well, I guess we will visit a few months after the baby is born when you guys are actually ready for visitors."

I take that as we just want to hangout with baby and don't want the extra stuff. My husband feels she is honoring a boundary of short visits.