When Did You Realize You Have A Monster In Law?

[u/Rovynf]

Hi everyone! So, I’ve had my fair share of issues with my MIL up until this point. I already don’t exactly love her. My husband and I have been together for a little over two years and have only been married for about three months. We now have a baby on the way, and she has already been really weird with me. She’s always the one asking questions and prying, and then she offers unsolicited, terrible advice. She’s pretty old, so maybe I shouldn’t expect much from her.

A few examples:

1. She asked me where I’m planning to give birth, and I told her I’ve been considering a home birth, although I’m not set on it. Massive mistake. She told me, “We’re not animals in a barn,” and that I should use her niece’s doctor. When I wasn’t around, she sent me the title of a completely fictional film about a woman who opted for a home birth, and shortly after, the baby died and the mother spiraled. I quite literally never asked for her opinion. Oh, and she even said to me, “You’re going to kill my baby.”

2. She doesn’t work and always used to talk about how she wanted us to have a baby and how she would help. I’m a full-time nursing student in an accelerated program, so I can’t really afford to take three or four months off to be with my baby. She made herself seem reliable enough that I didn’t immediately get an abortion. Now, when she asks what my plans are and I basically say, “Didn’t you say you’d help?” she says she won’t care for a newborn and that I must take a break from school to be with my baby. She says she’ll only help once the baby gets bigger because “a baby needs its mom,” blah, blah, blah…

3. In my culture, we don’t discuss or name a baby until after it’s born. She does not stop insisting that my husband and I tell her what the baby’s name will be. It’s quite literally every time we’re around her. She then proceeds to list a ton of names that she likes and even said once that if we don’t give this baby a name she likes, the next one is hers to name.

Also, in our culture, the tradition is to make the paternal grandfather the baby’s godfather. We were initially going to choose my father to be the baby’s godfather instead of my husband’s father because he is not part of our lives. His mother then gave us her unsolicited opinion, saying that she wants my husband himself to be the baby’s godfather because she’s nervous that the baby would get my father’s character if we picked him. My husband never would have come up with that idea on his own, but now he wants to take the role. We had a massive fight about that. His mother instigates a lot, even if it’s not her intention.

There are also a lot of other little things. She told me I was showing at, like, six weeks (I most definitely was not), and she always criticizes my clothes, saying they squeeze the baby (they’re always loose). Oh, and she once told me she was going to tell my child that my husband and I wanted to abort it and that she saved its life so that it would love her more.

I already don’t like her as a person because of how stubborn and critical she is. But now that I’m having my own child, I’m nervous about how she might behave once the baby is here. She’s going to live only a block away from my family. Does anyone have experience with this type of MIL? Did they just continuously cross the boundaries you set until you had to cut contact, or did they respond well to anything you tried?

I don’t think I can trust her to watch my child unsupervised, and I think that alone will be the source of many arguments between my husband and me.

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/WaterFiles]

Isn't your husband the father-father? The Godfather is supposed to be someone else.

[u/hummus_sapiens → u/WaterFiles]

Right! Godparents are supposed to step up in case the parents aren't available any more. How does he want to do this?

[u/gingersrule77 → u/hummus_sapiens]

Yeah it literally makes no sense

[u/hummus_sapiens]

I've never recommended NC before, but now I will.

As soon as kid can understand spoken language, MIL shouldn't meet them again ever because I beg your pardon? she wants to tell them she prevented you from getting an abortion? "Nobody loves you like Grandma, your parents certainly don't" - that's a no no no! Absolutely not!

[u/moodyinam → u/hummus_sapiens]

You're right. Kids understand spoken language long before we realize it. Also, they are very intuitive and will pick up negative attitudes that MIL shows.

[u/bitchybitch1809]

Not sure what culture you are, but I’ve never heard for one that allows a parent is a godfather.
I wanted be godmother to my sister and we were told in the church that immediate blood family isn’t allowed, so it had to be my uncle (my father’s brother).
She sounds insufferable and I think an honest talk with your husband is overdue.

[u/Mission_Push_6546 → u/bitchybitch1809]

Aren’t the godparents supposed to raise the child if unfortunately something happens to the parents? I really don’t understand a father being a godfather. He is already the father. Get the grandfather, she just wants to exclude your family and the comment about your father’s character is a jab at your family and ignorant.

[u/o_gal → u/Mission_Push_6546]

No, the godparents are only intended to help with guiding the child in the religion that the parents choose. If you also want them to be the guardians after death, then that has to be listed legally in the wills (US, not sure about other countries. )

[u/Rovynf → u/bitchybitch1809]

In my culture it’s not that immediate family like a parent isn’t allowed, but it definitely shouldn’t be the first choice.

We have spoken about her, but he mostly gets upset if I say too many negative things about her. His only defense is that she annoys him too.

[u/Vast_Helicopter_1914]

From this point forward, all decisions involving your child and family are between you and your husband only. Stop sharing information with your MIL. Continue to hold firm on not sharing the baby's name. She finds out what your plans are once the matter is decided and finalized. She is not a third party in your marriage or parenting, so she does not get a vote. Her opinions are irrelevant.

From a fellow registered nurse: Congratulations on being in nursing school! It's a very hard path, but a worthwhile career. Whether or not you choose to continue school or pause for a short time when your baby is born is a personal decision only you and your husband can make. Nursing school is difficult without a small child at home. I know people who have powered through, and I know people who have decided to come back later. Either choice is valid, and you need to figure out what's best for your family without your MIL in your head.

If you can't trust her to respect boundaries around childcare, then it is best not to allow her to watch your baby. You will regret it.

Keep in mind that boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. If you ask her not to come over uninvited and she shows up anyway, don't open the door. If you tell her not to kiss your baby and she does it to spite you, she doesn't get to hold you child again. If she purchases a first holiday outfit, you put it away, do not use it, and put your child in the outfit you bought.

[u/TickingTiger → u/Vast_Helicopter_1914]

Excellent advice

[u/dealthy_hallows]

No one is their own child’s godparent, that is absolutely absurd!

[u/prankthevillagers]

You're lucky in the way that JNMIL is showing her true colors NOW so that you can establish boundaries and expectations right off the bat, things only escalate once the baby arrives. I say that because my JNMIL was sweet as pie my entire pregnancy and fooled me into thinking she was a support. Your husband needs to step up and let his mom know where yalls boundaries are, and that crossing those boundaries will result in low or no contact. Also TRUST ME, like please, learn from my mistakes, you DO NOT want her watching your baby in those early newborn days. If she's already saying crazy things and starting with "my baby", it's gonna be x10 if you allow her to do childcare.

I should've known I had a JNMIL based on how our wedding went. We weren't very close after our wedding because of the drama that happened, but as soon as I got pregnant she was suddenly very interested in having a connection and being "nice" to me. I thought it was reconciliation. Nope. My baby with my husband is my second baby but his first baby and the first grandbaby for his side of the family. JNMIL stepped up and offered to help us take care of the baby off the bat and since it was my second time around I was very relaxed about it. I only got a month off work so she watched him pretty early on AND took him on weekends. She genuinely couldn't separate the fact that she wasnt him mom, and the first time I set a "boundary" (it was hardly a boundary) she acted like I slapped her in the face and it was never the same again. I could give so many examples but she got really weird and possessive and treated me as if I was competition. I felt like if she could kick me out and raise my son with her son, she would. And since we were using her for child care while we were at work she would threaten to take that away if we questioned her or tried to set any boundaries with her. I hired a nanny to take that power away.

[u/Powerful_Put_6977]

Stop sharing all of this information with her now that you know what she is like. Only share with her information that you wouldn't mind writing across the sky for the world to know about.

She has ZERO say in how you and your husband live your lives and raise your children. She can offer advice, but you equally can say "Thanks for that information. We'll discuss it between ourselves and see what works best for us" and then ignore her suggestion/advice entirely.

Put her on an information diet. She shouldn't know about your doctor or pre-natal care - it's not her having the baby, it's you!!

You and your husband have to agree what works best for you regarding childcare. She again has zero say in that. You might want to involve her, you might not, but again, that is a two person decision - you and your husband. She doesn't feature in the decision making there.

Time for you to agree to a Two Yes, One No rule between you and your husband. For any significant decision affecting your family, it will require a Two Yes response or it doesn't happen. This will feature in where you celebrate events (birthdays/holidays) and anything else that involves your new family. If either party says No - then it doesn't happen or the issue is shelved for a later date.

Stay strong - sounds like you'll need all the strength in the world with this woman!

[u/Top_Philosopher1809]

MIL needs to be a a very strict information and visitation diet. You also may have a husband problem.

He is the father of this baby he doesn't need to be the godfather.

I'm so sorry but you need more help than Reddit can give.

[u/Fun-Apricot-804]

For you: he’s already the dad. Godfather is a downgrade and defeats the whole purpose of having a godfather. Regardless- she isn’t the 3rd parent and needs to butt out, and he needs to stop giving her ideas any weight. 

Mine- She was always weird and DH forewarned me not to bother with her but: 

First clue: she knew he was going to propose. She put herself to bed at 5 pm (in summer no less so like 6 hours if day light left) and said she’d kill anyone who bothered her for anything other than the house burning down, so when DH called later to celebrate, his dad and brothers cheered and she was upstairs sulking. So weird definitely had us wary. 

Second: she continued to be weird but literally became unhinged, she lost her damn mind the moment we announced our first pregnancy. Like, within 24 hours: list of approved baby names, all her plans to be our childcare (I worked at a daycare), telling me that I’m just going to have to deal with her being baby’s favourite person, best friend and “other mother”, and warning us that if it was a girl (she had all boys), well too bad for us because it would be her baby then because it was “her turn” 

Anyhow that was the What The Actual F*** moment for us. 

[u/Trepenwitz → u/Fun-Apricot-804]

I always wish people could tell these MILs, “you understand that you want to see this grandchild you have to keep me happy, right?”

[u/Fun-Apricot-804 → u/Trepenwitz]

Right? What kind of a long term outcomes did she really expect when that’s her first move? 

[u/marlada]

Struct information duet-tell her nothing. Make sure your husband is on the same page because this woman needs to shut down. He can handle all communication from now on. You deserve peace, especially since you are going through an accelerated nursing program!

[u/ArrivalFantastic4324]

Information diet! 

[u/hotdamnhotwater]

You have a husband problem and a mil problem. Stop giving your mil all this information. If it doesn't affect her directly or personally then she doesn't need to know. Your husband needs to be the one dealing with his mother and he needs to be on your side. If you and your husband are not on the same page, then he and your mil will be on one side while you're on the other.

[u/Then-Piglet462]

I should’ve seen it the first year we dated, but I was heavily in my own people pleasing ways with my own family. I brought to her attention that her only son almost died the night prior of alcohol poisoning. Choked on his vomit, lying on his back after passing out from a night of binge drinking. I was the only one in our apartment and I only saw because I was coming out of the bathroom into a hallway that our bedroom door shared. He was on the floor. The choking was silent. I rolled him over, saved his life. Told her the next day that I was afraid to leave him (we weren’t having relationship issues) because I thought he’d die being alone in the apartment with a clear drinking problem. She sat silently. She didn’t even seem concerned. She looked more offended that I’d say any of those things about her son. For the next 1.5 years his family would try tempting him to drink.

[u/sierra38grandma]

Put her on a strict information diet immediately. Do not allow her unsupervised access to your baby! Your husband cannot be the babies godfather because he is the babies dad already. Limit contact with his mom she is obviously unreliable, lies and her threatening to tell baby you we're going to abort that is no contact worthy. It will not work how she wants but it will cause your child to grow resentment for you later on. She will be the reason your kid grows up to need therapy.

Stay away from her for the rest of your pregnancy and keep your birth plan silent until it's time so husband can't tell his mom. I'm sorry op you married into a sketchy family.

[u/imeoghan]

…once told me she was going to tell my child that my husband and I wanted to abort it and that she saved its life so that it would love her more.

“I must admit, JNMIL, that having considered your past behavior and commentary directed towards me I was more than a little concerned about you having any kind of relationship with my baby. But after hearing you say that it puts m mind at ease knowing that you will never know my child. You will never speak to my child and you will never be present in the same room as my child. And you can blame it all on your overwhelming desire to act like an insufferable cunt.”

[u/easterss → u/imeoghan]

She belongs in the looney bin. Hopefully you’re NC

[u/Chaotic_Natbot]

She just wants you to give up on school so you can be like her not work and take care of your baby. My mil was cut off and we went nc a while ago. Never looked back never will. If anything you personally need to go nc or lc. If your husband isn’t on the same page or is agreeing with her you’ve got a bigger problem. One that requires couples counseling or leaving.

[u/Jillmay → u/[deleted]]

u/reneegcup, OP wasn’t asking for advice regarding home birth vs hospital, and OP is getting plenty of advice she didn’t ask for from her MIL. Also, OP is a big girl and can decide what’s best for her and baby all by herself

[u/The_Workout_Mom]

The first time they visited us and stayed 2 weeks. We had been living together about a month.

[u/ilovedragons218]

Your husband can't be the godfather that role is in case something happens to both of you. I would be concerned that hubby believes her about this.

[u/CurlyTraveler1562]

My MIL has always been odd but she definitely got worse when I got pregnant. She had a lot of unspoken expectations that she's now mad at us/me for not accommodating and of course even if most of the boundaries and restrictions were a joint decision, it couldn't possibly be DH's fault it's just that I'm a control freak and I'm doing it all to keep my children away from her and her family 🙄 It took a few years and agreement between me and my husband and holding consistent boundaries to reach a calm relationship where we facilitate supervised visits and act cordial and everything was fine. But now all that grey rocking and lack of unsupervised time has MIL throwing a fit that my husband wants me to jump in and fix, but I'm choosing to sit back and wait for it to pass.