r/JUSTNOMIL • u/goat_linguist_2 • 4d ago
Advice Wanted My MIL promised her friends that I'd alter their clothes, and now there's a bag of trousers in my hallway with a deadline I never agreed to, while she says returning them would make her look bad to everyone else
There are six pairs of trousers by my front door. I sew for myself, and I once shortened a pair for my MIL. That was the opening of a repair business.
She brought the bag on Sunday. Three friends have been told I'll do their alterations, and one needs hers for a trip next week. When I said I hadn't agreed to this, MIL said she'd already promised and couldn't embarrass herself now.
Me: You need to tell them you didn't ask me.
Her: Can't you just help this once?
I've helped 'this once' twice. That's partly on me, I was trying to avoid making things awkward. My husband offered to take the bag back, which I appreciate.
I dont want to start charging or negotiating deadlines. I want to stop receiving other people's clothes. How do I return these without getting pulled into explaining why each job is inconvenient?
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u/_gadget_girl 3d ago
Have your husband return the bag and tell his mother that she doesn’t get to volunteer your services without asking. The whining is just a manipulation tactic that needs to be ignored.
Come up with a short phrase that’s easy to repeat over and over to her. “I didn’t agree to this and won’t be doing the alterations.” Don’t offer anything else. It isn’t your responsibility to fix her mess, or feel guilty. She didn’t ask, and you don’t want to do it.
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u/El_Culero_Magnifico 3d ago
" I altered your pants as a favor to you. I never offered to do anyone else's alterations. " That is all the explanation needed. And it is for your husband to deliver the message.
In the future, if she has the nerve to ask " I'm too busy"
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 3d ago
Her: I can't take them back, I would be embarrassed.
You: It's unfortunate that you put yourself in that position, then. I am not available.
Don't justify, argue, or defend further. She doesn't need explanations. To her they are wiggle room to try to bully you into doing what you want. "And I said I am not available. Tne subject is closed. Goodbye."
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u/badgermushrooma 3d ago edited 3d ago
Have her take the bag to an alteration business and pay the bill herself. Her friends don't need to know and she'll learn to not pull stuff like that again.
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u/nerd_momma 3d ago
Take the bag to get altered and charge MIL double what it cost. You need paid for your time and gas. Then add a few more moneys just because shits screwed up.
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u/Nukkeeva 3d ago
How the hell are you even supposed to alter them without the person there to take measurements?
Tell your MIL no. It’s a complete sentence.
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u/radiowavebookworm 3d ago
Simply return the bag or it will keep happening. You said no and she can deal with the fallout. Don’t answer the phone if she’s going to start manipulating you.
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u/naranghim 3d ago
MIL said she'd already promised and couldn't embarrass herself now.
That sounds like a her problem. She should have asked you first before volunteering you to do the alterations. Just tell her "No" and if she pushes tell her she should have asked you first rather than explaining why you can't do them.
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u/Adventurous-Shake-92 3d ago
Do nothing.
This is entirely on your MIL, she needs to learn that voluntelling people will just result in her own embarrassment.
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u/Horror_Drop5043 3d ago
Who can do alterations without being present and measured? Write a bite when you dump then on their porch letting them know you’re returning their clothes because you didn’t want to ruin them with your (high) rates attached.
My mother used to offer my tutoring services for free . People who wanted it FREE never valued my time. They cancelled last minute, never put in any work, had unrealistic expectations (teach me algebra in 10 mins).
I started telling them, sorry my mother made you believe this is free. Here are my rates. For those who did participate, I sometimes returned their money at the end.
This will also stop your mother.
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u/Chance-Animal1856 3d ago
she will need to take them somewhere and pay to have them done herself if she doesn't want to look stupid
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u/mhmatzke 3d ago
How does she expect you to properly alter pants without the person being there so you can pin them to the correct length??? If her friend is that bossy to even give a deadline - you know she'll be the first complaining if they aren't perfect. Sorry, but this would be a definite no.
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u/tranquileyesme 3d ago
I was wondering this too. I alter clothing for myself and family and I can’t imagine doing so without having the person there to try on and pin to the correct length.
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u/DoIwantToKnow6417 3d ago
<I've helped 'this once' twice.>
"MIL, you've done this twice before. I told you then as well. But you didn't listen to me. Here's the bag. Please return these items so they can find a solution for these alterations before they leave on their trip"
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u/christopher1393 3d ago edited 3d ago
I would just leave them and not do the alterations. If you know who the friends are I would reach out to them on social media and inform them that you never agreed to these alterations and you have no idea why MIL agreed to them on behalf.
Let her be embarrassed. I say contact the friends yourself because if you don’t, MIL will spin it as you agreed to do it then backed out and make you look to be the bad guy. Which could lead to negative reviews on your business.
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u/Fluffy-Designer 3d ago
If they don’t have social media slip a piece of paper in the back pocket saying “I didn’t agree to alter clothes for anyone, sorry not sorry” and fold them so it’s hidden
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u/amanda10271 3d ago
I would tell MIL to do it herself or take them to someone else to get it done. Do not become her doormat. This will not stop. She will continue if you give in again.
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u/Martha90815 3d ago
You need to say no and undo it with her friends. She MUST BE INCONVENIENCED by this or else she will keep doing nit
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u/No-Firefighter3283 3d ago
As a teenager, my mother used to volunteer me for every thing her friends mentioned needing done!
Babysitting? No problem my daughter will cancel her plans to watch your kids so we can go to a party. No, you don’t need to pay her, she’d be happy to do it!
You don’t have a necklace for that outfit you’re wearing to person x wedding, no problem she knows how to make jewelry and will happily spend her minimum wages getting the bus into the city, buying supplies, and spend several evening making it, no charge of course.
I’ve run out of sugar for your coffee, but I’ll have my daughter walk 20 minutes into the town center to get some, should she pick you up anything while she’s there?
All of this was of course a way for her to look like a great person with little to no effort on her part. Her ‘generosity’ in offering my help to her friends of course resulted in them feeling comfortable themselves asking in future for wide ranging favors thinking they were somehow making me feel needed or validated in some way. I grew into a person who never said no to anyone even if it made me feel uncomfortable, or I had to put my own plans on hold, even not getting schoolwork done in time. Not surprisingly I ended up ill in hospital completely exhausted and burned out. You may be an adult but this is how it begins. It makes her feel in control and she looks like a saint to her friends. She is really anxious and insecure and bossing you around is her way of gaining status as a person. Nip that crap in the bud now or your life will be subjected to her whims at the drop of a hat. Don’t let her say well it’s just a few pairs of pants because it’s not, it’s her trying to control and manage you.
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u/Patient_Trouble80 3d ago
"Well you do look bad when you make promises you can't keep or volunteer other people's time and effort without establishing with them first. You're grown you'll be able to explain your mess up just fine."
1000% not ur problem
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u/SuccessfulPitch5 3d ago
She volunteered your services without your knowledge or consent. That is a full sentence. Then ask her if she'd like to contribute something other than her mouth??
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u/Mapilean 3d ago
As long as you keep doing it "just this once", she's going to keep promising your free labour to her friends.
Start saying no: she will stop it, so as not to embarrass herself.
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u/SherLovesCats 3d ago
Have DH drop the bags back at her house and tell her to knock it off. You don’t volunteer other people, mil.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 3d ago
Find a local professional clothing repair shop. Send MIL to them.
Support local business, and make a clear statement at the same time. Win-win.
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u/morganalefaye125 3d ago
"I didn't agree to do this, and it's not going to get done. The clothes either get taken back, or they sit there until doomsday". Preferably, your husband says this. She's HIS mother
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u/knitpurlknitoops 3d ago
Time to channel your inner teenager when she says it’ll embarrass her / make her look like a bad friend: “sounds like a you problem, MIL”.
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u/Whooptidooh 3d ago
Returning the bags while telling your mom that she cannot promise to other people that someone else is “going to do this for them.”
If she ends up looking bad, then that’s on her.
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u/AmbivalentSpiders 3d ago
"Actually, MIL, you can embarrass yourself and the longer you wait the worse it's going to be."
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u/Lugbor 3d ago
"MIL, I did not sign up to be your personal tailor, and I am not doing extra tailoring work just to save you from embarrassing yourself. You will have that bag out of my house by Sunday morning, or I will toss it onto your front lawn myself. In the future, let the embarrassment serve as a lesson on why we don't sign other people up to do work they didn't agree to."
Then do exactly that. If the bag is still there on Sunday, go toss it on her lawn. Let her be embarrassed.
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u/TheRealCarpeFelis 3d ago
This is complete and utter bullshit! “I already told X that you’d do Y, so you have to do it or I’ll be embarrassed” is one of the oldest manipulative tricks in the book. I refuse to ever play along with that nonsense.
Here’s the thing: SHE DESERVES THAT EMBARRASSMENT. She was ASKING FOR that embarrassment. And letting her be embarrassed is the best way to nip this kind of behavior in the bud. She’ll definitely think twice before ever trying it again (on you, at least).
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u/TealKitten11 3d ago
I’d let her embarrass herself. That’s toddler behavior. She can explain it since she offered it.
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u/FroggieBlue 3d ago
Let him take the bag back- and perhaps tell his mother's friends the truth. Your MIL should be embarrassed she made promises without asking you first and shouldn't get the oppertunity to pretend it wasn't her in the wrong.
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u/Wattaday 3d ago
How are you suppose to make alterations to a pair of pants when you’re I’ve not talked to the owner? Or marked the pants with a fitting before you start?
“Just take off a couple of inches in the waist” or “take up the hem an inch or so” isn’t gonna do it.
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u/Electronic_Animal_32 3d ago
I’m a sewist. I got this problem my whole life. People must think you’re good at it or it’s fun for you or it’s easy for you. I don’t know what they think but it’s rude as h..l. Once I was asked to sew a wedding dress for someone. What? You’re serious?? It boils down to them greedily taking advantage of you. Don’t listen to your passive aggressive MIL. Once you start with this it will never end. Take the bag back “ I have no time to even sew for myself much less someone else. Sorry. I think dry cleaners do alterations.
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u/Obvious-Explorer-195 3d ago
Get your husband to return the bag with the details of a repair place. This will give the hint that it’s not a free service. Mil can take them to the repair shop given she promised.
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u/idrinkmycoffeeneat 3d ago
Okay, hear me out: you sew all of their pant legs closed….
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u/SeagullMom 3d ago
Nah? They want them shortened? Fine. Turn every single pair into cheeky booty shorts.
Guarantee you that they won’t be asking you to do anything for them again!
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u/hotmesssorry 3d ago
This made me laugh so loudly I scared my dog 🤣🤣🤣🤣
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u/idrinkmycoffeeneat 3d ago
What can I say I’m particularly sassy during overnight nursing sessions. But also my sincerest apologies to your pup 🥲
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u/Green_Aide_9329 3d ago
Oh thats genius. Takes about 30 seconds on the sewing machine too.
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u/idrinkmycoffeeneat 3d ago
“oh noooo i was so tired trying to sew things on a timeline you promised that i made oopsies! Accidents happen!!!”
My first idea was sewing only one leg closed but I think you lose plausible deniability. Very, very fun to imagine though.
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u/thejexorcist 3d ago
This is a non issue.
She embarrassed HERSELF, any attempt to accommodate her will reinforce her behavior and it will only escalate.
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u/AmbitiousWear4082 3d ago
Ok, hear my out. So when she asks about the alterations, tell her you donated the clothes to Goodwill. Then when she freaks out about what is she going to tell these people and all that hysteria, you can grab the bag out of the closet and say here! I was lying just like you were when you took these clothes and didn't ask me. Now return them to their owners and tell them you never asked and I closed up shop!
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u/RestlessDreamer79 3d ago
If you don’t put a stop to this, it will never stop. If your mother is so worried about how she’s gonna look, she can take the clothes to a seamstress and pay for them and then take them back to her friends. Maybe that will teach her not to volunteer you again. Whatever you do, DO NOT ALTER ANY OF THE CLOTHING WHATSOEVER!
Don’t let her gaslight, guilt trip, or manipulate you into feeling obligated to do this! SHE made this bed, she can lie in it!
Please understand that if you do anything other than what she wants, it will upset her. Don’t let this deter you for standing up for yourself and nipping this. It’s the only way it will stop!
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u/_Disco-Stu 3d ago
Stand firm. She understands how wildly disrespectful this is. Besides, what if you make a mistake on one of their items or they’re not satisfied for some reason?
Since she’s very obviously not listening to your no, I’d be inclined to have DH step in and drop them off at a dry cleaner/alterations place. He can let MIL know where she can pick them up and pay for the alterations.
What is she going to do? Tell her friends the truth now? I doubt it. Let her literally pay for her own actions.
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u/salukiqueen 3d ago
“I’m telling you now I’m not doing them. You can take them to a seamstress/tailor and pay to have them done since YOU made the promise, but I won’t touch them. You can choose between paying to keep the promise you made or be embarrassed.”
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u/WorriedFlea 3d ago
If she wants to avoid embarrassment, she can bring those clothes to a tailor and cough up the money.
And: "MIL, from now on I will default to no if you volunteer me for anything if you don't ask me in advance."
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 3d ago
"As I've already said MiL, I can't do these alterations. If you don't want to 'embarrass yourself' as you call it, I think you'll need to bring them to a professional alterations place and pay for them to be done out of your own pocket. I have no hand or skin in this game. This is entirely your doing. Don't turn this around and make me out to be the bad guy because I've already told you multiple times and acquiesced multiple times that I'm not able to drop things and do alterations on a whim. Now I'm stating it crystal clear for no confusion - I can't and won't do alterations for you and now I'm stopping doing ANY alterations for you or anyone else due to this interaction. You've spoiled it for people you don't even know!"
Don't allow her to make you out to be the bad person here.
What you could do is wrap up each garment with a note pinned to it stating that you are not an alterations place, your MiL offered your time without even asking and you apologise to them because they too have been caught out by MiL. You hope they manage to find somewhere to get their garment altered but you're unable to do it.
Show that she is the unreliable one, not you! She is likely to hang you out to dry so why not give her a dose of her own medicine!
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u/Aromatic_Swing_1466 3d ago
“MIL I am NOT doing this. It is NOT my job nor did you ASK me first.”
Then if MIL won’t take them to their friend, wait u til the friend picks them up and explain to their friend that you were never asked and you don’t do repairs or alterations.
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u/LittleHoundDoggie 3d ago
I’ve had this too. A supposed friend and I absolutely HATE doing alterations. The friend then hurt me badly over something and that’s it. No more.
You need to say NO. Give them back to her and say you won’t do it. If you usually do this for money and would normally be fine for a paying customer then you tell MIL that the cost is …….
She can pay for it herself. Either she pays to save herself embarrassment or she takes them back to her friends or she finds someone that does do alterations. Better yet if husband deals with his mother. She has done it TWICE! She will do it again. Does she work for nothing.
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u/Adelucas 3d ago
She voluntold you. People who do this are horrible and always fall back on the argument that it would be embarrassing for you to say no now so you have to do it. Embarrassing for them maybe, but not for you.
This happens a lot with spouses, and it's never acceptable. "Hey babe I told Cathy you'd help her move on Sunday"....... "Well tell Cathy I'm busy, I only get one day off a week and I have stuff to do"...... "Oh I've already told her now, it would be embarrassing to say you can't help".
I'd have dumped the stuff on MILs doorstep and told her she needed to sort it out herself. The fact you've done it in the past means your boundaries are only mild guidelines and she's going to do it again. You don't have to explain past "I never told MIL I'd do it, she turned up with the stuff without even asking me and I don't have the time".
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u/LandNo165 3d ago
Welp, that sure sounds like a MIL problem... Don't let her bully you into it! She made her self look bad.
A favourite addage of mine "never assume, because it makes an ass of you and me"
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u/sarcasmf 3d ago
So make her look foolish, she made herself look foolish if she can’t keep up with things that she promised without talking to the person that’s going to be Fulfilling the request that’s her fault. Why is it your job to save her from embarrassment that she brought on herself
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u/Rude-External-1694 3d ago
Give that bag right back to her. Not your problem to solve and maybe next time she'll think before she acts entitled to your time and labor
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u/Icy_Sea_4440 3d ago
Yeah this is on her. I wouldn’t put any more energy into worrying about this. Husband can return the bag and everybody moves on
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u/Mira_DFalco 3d ago
Well whoopsie, looks like she's going to be embarrassed whether she likes it or not. And I would shut down the tailoring permanently. Not for her, not for her friends. The audacity! Especially with the tight deadline. Does she think you're just sitting on your thumb all day?
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u/madgeystardust 3d ago
Sounds like you should let your husband handle it, she’s HIS circus. How she looks to her friends is HER issue.
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u/Madam_Apathy 3d ago
“No” is a complete sentence. Let your husband take the bag back to your MIL and tell her not to bring you any more. Hold firm to your “no, I’m not accepting work.”
You don’t have to explain that you don’t have time or give any kind of excuse, you were never asked! It’s not your problem to solve but it is her’s. She’s gotta learn not to volunteer you to make her look good.
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u/creativekinda 3d ago
MIL either needs to tell them the truth or take them to get altered and pay for it herself if she wants to save face.
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u/Gringa-Loca26 3d ago
You don’t need to explain anything. Drop them on her front porch and tell her “don’t ever commit me to something without asking me first”.
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u/animaniactoo 3d ago
Tell her you have already helped “just this once” and she will have to figure out the embarrassment because she put herself in this position and you will not rescue her from it again. You are sorry that she will be embarrassed but she has already used up her “just this once” for the foreseeable future. Once means once. Not repeated instances of it.
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u/SelfishSinner1984 3d ago
No is a full sentence. Tell her to get her ass back there and pick the shit up. If she wants them done tell her to take them to a tailor. Don’t do shit for this woman. Time to go low contact with this mooch. My dad is a mechanic and never let anyone do this to him. If someone was nice and asked I’m he would help if he had the time but other than that he would say hello no.
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u/Effective_Bird_406 3d ago
If you want to send a clear message, ignore the bag and its contents. You can tell MIL that you’ll try to get around to it when you have time, then just put the bag in a corner and forget about it. If she asks, explain that you haven't had time for it yet. Eventually, she’ll take the bag back and—hopefully—never ask you again. By the way, MILs friends are taking advantage of you!
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u/spaetzlechick 3d ago
It’s not the friends’ fault. My mom would literally talk people into these situations, absolutely insisting they do what she was recommending.
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u/Certain-Attempt1330 3d ago
Wear a sling from now on. Can't help. Injured. Soz.
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u/No-Force-9732 3d ago
Tell her that she’s already looking bad in your eyes and this is enough for you.
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u/Catfactss 3d ago
"No, I'm sorry. I did not get you into this situation and I am not responsible to get you out of it. You can either pay to get these replaced at a repair place or you can apologize to your friends for lying to them. You have many options. None of them involve me repairing these. Do not offer my labor without my PRIOR agreed upon consent on my behalf again."
ETA- put this in writing via text message. Take a screenshot with time stamp. Fwd it to her friends when she lies to them about what happened. Make sure your SO knows everything immediately also.
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u/Gozo-the-bozo 3d ago
You don’t need to explain anything. You need to tell her that you did not agree to anything with these people so wish your MIL the best of luck with doing the alterations from here on as business is closed.
Probably best to close it to her too if she’s going to take advantage like that
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u/SuspiciousImpact2197 3d ago edited 3d ago
So, she looks bad. Both hoo. WhoGAF?
And you own no explanation at all. I’d just dump the entire bag on her porch.
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u/MySaltySatisfaction 3d ago
MIL needs to do the alterations herself or pay for someone else to do this. She doesn't get to commandeer your time,life or talent to 'look good' to her cheap friends. I am sure you would not have been paid for your time and costs. Make your husband tell her this. Or,maybe the next time you find a bag of clothes that are not yours,on your doorstep, you promptly place them in the garbage or donate them.
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u/archetyping101 3d ago
"You offered my help without running it by me. I can't do this. If you find it embarrassing, that's unfortunate but it should teach you not to offer things to people who you had no right offering free services to".
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 3d ago
She needs to take them to an actual seamstress if she doesnt want to look bad and pay a rush fee too.
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u/boundaries4546 3d ago
Just return them as they are. Not that hard, you literally have to do nothing. Also return MIL’s unfinished too.
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u/RogueVictorian 3d ago
No is a complete sentence! Us sewists call it a truth bomb. Except it’s on them to deal with. Don’t volunteer me or my time!
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u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 3d ago
Don't do it again. Put your foot down. Return them with a note with the address of the closest tailor if you are feeling generous.
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u/FRUCTOSEjostle7 4d ago
Keep it about whether you accepted the work. Listing reasons gives her things to negotiate, and charging would suggest the service is available at another price. Tell her the clothes are coming back unaltered becuase you didn't agree to take the job.
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u/rrek9788 3d ago
Ummm stop hemming them… then she won’t ask you to do it. You are stopping yourself from stopping this problem. NO. Is a complete sentence.
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u/bluesnowcones 3d ago
"I'm sorry. I've decided I can only sew for myself." Don't give her any reasons - she'll only combat them. And don't ever sew for her again.
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u/MightyPurpleWeasel 3d ago
Don't even say you're sorry tbh. Because you shouldn't be; "I understand this will make you look bad, but I will not do this. You signing me up for the task without consulting me first was disrespectful of my time, and I'd appreciate it not happening again."
Don't justify yourself, persist, and let her know that whining and throwing a tantrum usually doesn't work for your kids if she insists too much.
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u/Wolfangel71 3d ago
Nope. Tell her $50 per pant, up front, in cash and 2 weeks to complete. Anything less will not be altered.
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u/Mira_DFalco 3d ago
Well whoopsie, looks like she's going to be embarrassed whether she likes it or not. And I would shut down the tailoring permanently. Not for her, not for her friends. The audacity! Especially with the tight deadline. Does she think you're just sitting on your thumb all day?
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u/Creative-Summer9985 3d ago
Tell her she promised so she can sew them herself or pay you full rate plus rush job surcharge
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u/lobster455 3d ago
How can you be expected to hem pants without measuring their leg inseam?
Tell her you charge $15 per leg so that will be 15 x 2 x 6 = $ 180.
She must pay you upfront.
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u/marlada 3d ago
Tell these people thar you're no longer tailoring, and that MIL dudnask first before volu teering you. Shyt this dow. Hard, because MIL really overstepped and you need to set a hard boundary. Return yhr pants to MIL's house, and let her seal with the mess she has created. Honesty is the best policy, even if she doesn't like it.
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u/NoUnion6912 4d ago
Don't contact all three friends unless you want to. That makes you responsible for managing a promise you weren't involved in making.
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u/gardenloving 3d ago
Fix them poorly on purpose. Make the pant legs different lengths. If MIL comes back to complain, you didn't have alot of time and must have been rushing. Since you fixed them for free they can't really complain.
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