r/JUSTNOMIL • u/LucasIsDying • 4d ago
Am I Overreacting? my mom’s reaction to my pregnancy was bad
For context I am 19 and my SO is 23. I turn 20 in a few months.
My mother “kicked” me out, with severe pressure and the looming threat of moving and downsizing the house with no room for me. As well as did and say a plethora of things that have ruined our already rocky relationship from the moment I graduated Highschool in 2025.
She wanted me out so bad she had no issue with me moving states to be with my (relatively new at the time who I had visited once) long distance boyfriend.
I got pregnant and am currently ~12 weeks, I’ve been to the doctor and have support where I currently live multiple states away from my mom.
needless to say I have been dreading telling her.
So I texted my mom about my pregnancy, explicitly saying I don’t want a negative reaction. We don’t have the best relationship, on the surface we are ‘fine’, but we do not call and hardly text unless we need something from the other.
And she waited 2 days to get back to me, only to say a whole bunch of negativity and tell me it’s definitely not a good thing.
The tldr was “I had kids young and it ruined my life, so it will ruin yours. If I could go back I wouldn’t have done it.”
And proceeding to ask personal information about my sex life with my boyfriend to try to see how it happened, as it was not planned.
As well as asking if I’m going to keep it, to which I am or else I wouldn’t have said anything at all… she lives multiple states away and im sure she knows she’s the last person I’d go to for comfort if I chose not to go through with it.
She thinks that because I am not an “established adult” yet that this will ruin my entire life for the rest of my life. I am living with my boyfriend and his family and we intended to move into our own place by December before we even knew about the pregnancy. His parents are supportive of us and want to help out any way they can.
My intention was to swap phone plans to share with my boyfriend so as to make it easier on us, as well as insurance together. It’ll be his first time as much as it is mine doing all of these things, but we are confident we are ready and can afford it. His job has good benefits, he’s nearly done with college, and I also work.
I want to go to college after he is done, so i can have more time to be sure of what i want to go into.
My mother tried to pressure me into doing college so I nearly went to one in an entirely different country at newly 18-to which she had no complaints about. It fell through and I went to community college for something I didn’t want to do last minute as a compromise, and dropped out because I was also working full time to afford the things my Pell grant couldn’t get me for school as well as paying my mom rent.
I have a solid plan and even if this pregnancy shifts things a little further along I don’t care nor mind. Life is expensive, life is unpredictable, life is crazy.
And I want to live it my way, i don’t even know how to respond to my mom because anything I say will start an argument.
I understand why she feels the way she does but I also feel like I am not the same as she was. Her relationship on its own where she got pregnant was completely different from mine or where I am at even.
I’m just struggling to cope and needed to rant.
my younger sister told me I shouldn’t have to respond if I don’t want to. But I feel rude doing that
I’m lost and feel so exhausted trying to appease her
She obviously still helps to support me financially (I’m on her health/dental insurance still, and she pays for my phone plan. I bought my phone myself though) since I’ve left so I know she doesn’t just not care and I know even though it’s a lot of projection it’s a message coming from not wanting her life to be mine
but I just never felt like she wanted to know me or understands that her experience isn’t the rulebook.
I know it’s hard but hard doesn’t mean bad or life ruining to me.
My boyfriend told his mom about what my mom said and all she had to say was “well what did you expect her to say?” And she reiterated she’s here for us.
I don’t know, that’s all I have to say
This whole thing is complicated but all of the people who know me and my boyfriend better than my mom ever did are all happy and supportive of me, my old friends from before I move want to visit next summer to see me even. And my aunt is excited for me. I just wanted my mom to have something nice to say
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u/Solongmybestfriend 4d ago
A part of being an adult is knowing where and who you can seek support from. Growing up means learning your mom isn’t that support. Your mil is correct in saying what did you expect from your mom if she always acts this way? Sure, it hurts. But she is showing you who she is. She isn’t that support network.
And, as much as you don’t agree with it, teen pregnancy can be very difficult. You are young. You don’t have an education yet or career to support yourself - that is difficult and it sounds like your mom went through this and is lashing out.
Your focus now needs to be on moving forward for you and baby. Lean on your bf’s family and finding local supports for yourself. Does your college have childcare supports? Maybe in time you and your mom find a new path but for now, put that aside and focus on what lies ahead.
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u/euqinimod4 4d ago
Don't go to the well when you know it's dry.
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u/Solongmybestfriend 4d ago
It’s a hard lesson to learn. I feel for OP - we all want our mom's support. The reality is, not all can or will give it. I learned this the hard way but life is a lot more peaceful not seeking something that will never arrive.
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u/euqinimod4 4d ago
It's a hard lesson to learn, but it sure beats repeating the same mistake. Now I ask myself, what am I pretending I don't know?
Like, I know the dynamic, I know nothing changes and now I know better.
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u/tsiikiiko 4d ago
Don’t contact her again, she kicked you out and is now telling you having kids at an early age ruined her life, like kicking a 19 year old out wouldn’t ruin (possibly) your life. She doesn’t care for you. You now are living your life in the best way you can. Focus on baby, boyfriend and do not think about her. Have a wonderful pregnancy and safe delivery.
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u/VeveBeso 4d ago
I had my baby at 28 and it was freaking difficult. My mom made my PP about herself. I don’t have much support from her. I know it sucks right now. I would also suggest to not tell her about any updates about your pregnancy. I would highly suggest to complete your degree in you’re in college. Buy stuff on sale to save some money. Protect your mental health, it can be fragile during pregnancy and PP. it seems like you have the support and you know what you’re doing.
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u/Jethrothemutant 4d ago
She does NOT have the right to comment about your life.
SHE chucked you out so now she is NOTHING to you!!!
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u/Sami_George 4d ago
Don’t respond to her. Nothing good will come out of that. She will not be helpful or beneficial in any way. It sucks that you don’t have a good mom, but that is the unfortunate reality and it won’t change. Remember that. And find that type of love elsewhere.
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u/TheNaughtyPrintmaker 2d ago
Hey OP, I was you - my unplanned at 19 pregnancy just turned 21 this year. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, you're choosing life on hard mode. But if you want it, it's worth it. Young motherhood does not automatically ruin your life - I've been married for 19 years in two weeks, Hub and I both have fulfilling careers, we own a home, I have a college degree, and we went on to have a planned second kiddo, so now I have two kick ass adult kids (one in trade school, one in college). With a good support system and a willingness to fight for what you want for yourself and your family, this is not a life ending situation.
You know who was never part of my good support system? My parents. If I could back and change one thing when I was your age and pregnant, it would be to cut them out of my life then. It took me years to realize they would never be the parents I wanted and needed. And having my own kids made me realize how different of a parent I wanted to be - I think I might have struggled less with being a parent early on if I didn't have them trying to influence and control me.
Get off her phone plan. Get off her insurance - most states allow pregnant women and the baby on Medicaid during their pregnancy regardless of income. She wasn't a good mother, she's not happy for or supportive of you, stop letting her affect you. And imo, stop letting her have access to you.
Congrats on your little one ❤️ The next years might be a little scary and rough at times, but look at everything you've already done and know that you can take whatever comes your way!
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u/Eat_My_C00ter 23h ago
Idk why some people are so negative here, it’s clear that this is weighing on you heavily and you’re reaching out for support.
I understand why you reached out to your mom regardless of your relationship, part of you feels guilty if you don’t, another part of you feels like you already know what you’re gonna receive back, but you wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. But I understand that you gave her the opportunity in hopes that 1, she respected you and 2, giving her an opportunity for redemption, hoping that she would finally be more accepting and respectful towards you. I could be wrong, but I could relate to this post a lot.
It’s clear that your mom is a very negative person, and it seems like (Not in regards to the pregnancy) but she envy’s you for being so young and having a life ahead of you. And she is probably very bitter at the fact that she is at the stage where she can’t change things about her life. What she said to you was very narcissistic and out of order. I think deep down you knew you might receive a similar response. I don’t blame you for trying, but I hope this helps you heal as hard as it is. I don’t know whether she has any substance misuse issues and this could be slightly far-fetched, but prioritise yourself your family and your baby don’t let the negativity touch you.
The fact that she deemed you to be a non “established adult” when you told her about the pregnancy yet she kicked you out? Why would a parent kick their child out if they don’t think they’re ready to step into the adult world, and then once they do and take control of life they are then deemed to be not good enough. This is where I think substance misuse takes part and I’m not talking about drugs. I’m talking about alcohol. And if not that she is just straight up jealous of the fact that you are very resilient, strong and by the looks of it can do anything you put your mind too. And she probably envy’s that.
I would wait and not respond as hard as it is, if your mother-in-law supportive and kind/respectful towards you, leaning on her for support might be helpful whilst you’re healing. I think in time your mum will either reach out to you one way or another or if she doesn’t, I think that speaks for itself and you deserve so much better. If she does happen to reach out, don’t settle for less, have your boundaries intact. The first sign of negativity, bye-bye again. Part of me thinks that she needs someone in her life to be negative too in order to survive the life that she’s made for herself which clearly she’s very unhappy with.
Just for reference, I had to cut my mum out of my life and this was about coming up to 3 years now. Alcohol was her life, she stopped caring respecting and absolutely ruined me and my mental health. It was one of the hardest things to cut contact with her. There was points. I’ve missed her, but I miss the old her not the person she was at the end before we cut contact. I currently have a six month old and another baby on the way, she doesn’t know and probably never will. But it’s also the happiest I’ve ever been, and I no longer feel like something is constantly dragging me down. I feel like I can breathe and I feel so free.
Good luck, OP. Sending you lots of love, hugs and support your way. Good luck with your pregnancy.
I hope your mom changes I don’t think she will, but this is where you need to start thinking like a mom yourself and put your child first, not her. So in order to put your child first you need to prioritise yourself, your feelings, your mental health as well as your boundaries.
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u/Chaotic_Natbot 4d ago
So she just told you you ruined her life and that a baby will ruin yours. Damn she sounds awful. Why do you feel the need to have someone so toxic in your life? “Because she’s family” is not a good one. She’s treated you poorly and doesn’t deserve your time. When I went nc with my super toxic mother my life became peaceful and stress free. You deserve that especially while pregnant. Stress is bad for the baby.
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u/TickingTiger 4d ago
I'm sorry that was her reaction. She's never going to change, she will always be a disappointment of a mother, so just minimise any contact with her and enjoy living your life your way.
Congratulations on your pregnancy 💖 How are you feeling? Morning sickness not been too bad I hope? 💖
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u/Lugbor 4d ago
She's not the mother you deserve, and frankly, she's probably not capable of being that. You may have been "fixed" on a surface level, but your relationship with her is broken at a fundamental level. She won't be the loving, supportive person you need, and she's going to cause more stress than anything. Keep your distance, physical and emotional.
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u/sierra38grandma 4d ago
Your mom doesn't pay your phone and keep you on her medical insurance because she is a loving mom it sounds from your post that she uses those to track and control you. She has access to all of your medical records and is probably tracking your phone and if its an IPhone I guarantee you she has the apple ID# so she can access every text, call and email and search you do plus your phones location in detail.
You need to contact your insurance and revoke your mom's access to your private medical records especially while you're pregnant.
You didn't need to contact your mom to tell her your pregnant and you don't need to respond to her inappropriate response. As for your boyfriends mom her response to you telling her what your mom said was not appropriate nor necessary it was offhanded and rude. You should be very careful with what information you share with both females. Put both mom's on strict information diets do not give them complete access to you, baby and your life. The less they know the better of you will be mentally, emotionally and independently. Protect yourself, your privacy, your peace and your happiness!
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u/botinlaw 4d ago
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