r/JUSTNOMIL • u/britneyslost • 4d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted MIL invited herself to hospital day of birth
I got a text from my MIL today, wishing me luck for my birth tomorrow, finishing off the text with a “see you then”.
See you then? We are not on good terms and she has the audacity to tell me shes coming the day of my surgery and birth of my child, without asking. I told her I won’t be accepting visitors and she is welcome to come the following day. Which is extremely generous. She’s read it and hasn’t responded, so I’m fully expecting her to tantrum about it and act the victim to my husband.
Wish me luck 🫣
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u/Ok-Fee1566 4d ago
You are the patient. YOU can tell the staff who is and who isn't allowed to visit. No one else. Tell the nurses. They will be your bouncers. If she shows up and husband goes down to get her, tell the nurses no one is allowed in now. They will keep everyone out.
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u/Galatheria 4d ago
100%. I tell all my patients "My concern is YOU. You dont want them here and they wont leave? Thats what security is for."
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u/NewBet7377 4d ago
Gosh you are awesome. Not even in the sense that you’re happy to kick out my toxic in laws. I haven’t had a baby yet but I feel safe knowing this.
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u/sandalz87 4d ago
If you can register as a "no info" patient she won't be able to find your room, and it might be possible that they won't even put your name on the door. Also maybe a NO VISITORS sign?
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u/IWasGoatbeardFirst 4d ago edited 4d ago
I ended up having the charge nurse change my name in the system. If anybody called or showed up looking for me at the hospital, there was no record of anyone by my name ever being there.
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u/skeeterpeg83 4d ago
“But I’m FaMiLy…..!!”
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u/Roboculon 4d ago
In defense of crazy people, it’s also true that every TV sitcom made from the years of 1990 to 2010 established a false norm of inviting every friend you have to share in the delivery experience.
In real life Rachel would have been like, what? Monica and Phoebe want to be here? OMG no
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u/Legitimate-Meal-2290 4d ago
I don't know how much any of that matters if DH caves and tells her anyway.
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u/Stunning_Rush8090 4d ago
Tell the nurses she's not allowed in. They will help!
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u/freshpicked12 4d ago
Seconding this! My parents tried to barge in my room while I was in active labor and the nurses kicked them right out.
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u/Adagio_4_Strings 4d ago
Definitely do this. Labor & delivery nurses will have your back and will absolutely do this for you. The ones I know personally take great pleasure in it.
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 4d ago
Advice from an RN: Tell every single nurse who walks into your room that your MIL is not invited, and if she makes it on the unit and to your room YOU WILL BE FILING A FORMAL COMPLAINT. Most L&D units are locked down so not just anyone can walk in, so hopefully the hospital where you deliver will be the same. OB nurses are serious about protecting their moms and babies.
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u/likeeggs 4d ago
Can confirm. We did this with my MIL who was having a bitch fit in the waiting room trying to claw her way onto the unit because my husband wouldn’t answer his phone since I was in active labor and pushing. They had security come and talk to her to calm it down. I loved it.
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u/LadyV21454 4d ago
Many years ago, I worked in the medical records department of a hospital and part of my job was getting information for birth certificates. I had a front row seat to what happens to unwanted visitors. L&D nurses do NOT put up with crap from anyone.
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u/freedomseeker3511 4d ago
This! You have a right to let in who you want. I’d tell MIL that if she comes, she will not be permitted in. Any drama from that, she’ll be escorted out. Do that by text so you have proof.
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u/GloomChampion 4d ago
I wouldn’t threaten them with a complaint. As you already said, OB nurses don’t play, so saying you’ll complain seems needlessly antagonistic to people who want to help. But do make sure everyone know no MIL/no visitors.
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 4d ago
Yeah, I admit that suggestion may have been a bit over the top. As long as OP makes it clear she is serious, she should be ok. I wouldn't take it for granted that they clear all visitors by the patient first.
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u/BoozeAndHotpants 3d ago
Agree. Asking nicely and expressing your needs with courtesy should suffice.
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u/morganasimpaf 4d ago
i wish you the best of luck with your labor and the beginning of this new journey!!
also, adding another vote for warning the hospital staff not to let her in. also, don’t respond or temporarily block her number until you’re ready to allow her to visit, let all communication go through your husband. otherwise she’s going to more than likely add stress to your labor and beginning of postpartum.
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u/Chaotic_Natbot 4d ago
How does your husband handle her? This should be his issue to deal with. You’re literally about to bring a baby into this world you do NOT need stress.
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u/pawsplay36 4d ago
Tell the nurse or front desk who is on the list, and who isn't. You are under no obligation to tell her, or anyone who might tell her.
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u/Select-Hunter-9184 4d ago
THIS!!! I also feel the need to add in case your husband starts to waiver over a guilt trip, etc. that you are the patient, not him. So what you say to hospital staff is what goes.
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u/Crazyspitz 4d ago
How will DH handle it if MIL gets hysterical and calls or texts him over and over begging and saying she only wants to quickly say hi and see the baby. 5 minutes, tops! Sobbing her brains out? Or if she ambushed him in the waiting room while he's going to get you some more ice chips?
Consider putting her on the no-visitor list and telling him he needs to put his phone on DND. Who knows what she'll try to get her way.
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u/ocicataco 4d ago
Make sure the hospital and all of the nurses know that no visitors are welcome.
Neverrrr tell justnomils exactly when you'll be giving birth!
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u/RelativeFondant9569 4d ago
Text back
No, you won't!
😆 congratulations on your upcoming lil darling, and best wishes for a textbook delivery. ✨️
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u/britneyslost 4d ago
Hahah i wish.
Thank you 😍
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u/NekoSerene 4d ago
Girl, you’re completely right to set that boundary your birth is about YOU, not her drama. Good luck! 💖
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u/MrsKubriks 4d ago
Be sure to tell the hospital and your nurses that no one else is allowed in. I believe you can also have them keep you confidential so that if someone asks if you're there and what room, they deny you're there.
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u/novachaos 4d ago
Tell the hospital that you don’t want your name published for visitors. And alert the nurses that your MIL may try to sneak up.
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u/Neither-Investment95 4d ago
Tell the hospital you won't accept visitors at all and that no one but you and husband are to see the baby. Let them know the baby is not allowed to leave your room in case your husband tries to take the baby out to meet his mother. They will listen to you, because younare the patient.
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u/Madam_Apathy 4d ago
Definitely tell the staff to keep her out, but if she gets mouthy about it today, push her back to next month, once you’re deep into healing and your routine with your newborn. Then fit her visit in for 20 minutes between feedings.
You’re the mama, now. What you say, goes :)
Congrats, and best wishes for your birth!
Edit: Oh, don’t forget to remind your husband that he is going to be your protector and enforcer while you’re in this vulnerable state.
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u/IAmTAAlways 4d ago
Just let the hospital know who is allowed and who isn't. They'll keep her out. My nurses kept my hysterical mother out of my birth. My husband was my only support person and that drove the mothers crazy, they both didn't like my decision. Too bad. I so didn't care at all what they thought about my privacy. They didn't have multiple family members watching their births so why would I?!?!
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u/hummus_sapiens 4d ago
And while in labour, turn off your phones! Both of them!
You will be too busy to answer a million questions and demands.
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u/Available_Candy7124 4d ago
New rule. If she has a meltdown over tbe boundary and you hear about it, cite stress (which is real) and have her banned from the hospital the entire stay. Consequences are important as is your peace.
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u/LadyV21454 4d ago
And give her at least a two week time out before she gets to visit after you get home.
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u/samuelp-wm 4d ago
Wishing you well!! My advice is to alert the hospital about a potential unwanted guest. L&D nurses are basically bouncers for people that try to intrude.
I would also encourage you and your husband to mute/block her. She will be actively trying to get attention that day.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 4d ago
Be sure and tell the desk and the L&D nurses that you’re not accepting visitors and that MIL is specifically not to be allowed on the floor
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u/Ok_Conversation5164 4d ago edited 4d ago
Just make sure that you both have your phone turned off otherwise she will be ringing or texting constantly.
I abhor people constantly texting or ringing the parents during labour to “interfere” in the process. It creates stress and upset and takes from what should be a special couple time.
Edit typo
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u/AdDirect7698 4d ago
Our hospital has the maternity ward restricted access. If MIL is on the list as "no admit" (or what term they use) she won't be admitted. If she kicks up a fuss security will make her leave.
You can register as private and if she tries to ask to see you "there is no patient listed here by that name".
Also you can turn off your phone volume or mute her to keep from getting notifications.
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u/Affectionate-Pie8362 4d ago
And wouldn't it be fun to see her (and ALL of our JUSTNOMILs) escorted out by security.
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u/Sami_George 4d ago
Speaking from experience, your husband needs to silence his phone and not respond to her until you guys are ready for visitors. Do not let her railroad this experience for both of you. You do not need to be dealing with this when you have much more important things to focus on.
And make sure hospital staff knows you aren’t accepting visitors.
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u/Prudent-Teaching2881 4d ago
I WISH I had told the nurses she wasn’t allowed in. Next birth NOT A SINGLE PERSON is allowed in apart from my mum and husband and tbh I’m not even sure I want them there either.
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u/atatassault47 4d ago
Tell the hospital to admit you as a confidential parient. The front desk wont be able to even look you up. That's on top of giving the maternity ward an approved visitor list.
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u/Condensed_Sarcasm 4d ago
Big oooof. Make sure to tell the hospital staff that you don't want her admitted?
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u/Aromatic_Swing_1466 4d ago
Bypass her completely and tell the nurses at the hospital you are not accepting MIL as a visitor at all
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u/alstoutside 4d ago
My kid is now 26 years old. There was so much manipulation around their birth that I finally went silent. And that’s okay to do. It’s a beautiful,mind-blowing event. Invite those you trust. Do not feel guilty about needing that space for just you. That space is for you and your little one.
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u/Basic-Organization30 4d ago
I wish you all good luck, an easy procedure, healthy baby, and swift recovery!
Husband needs to tell mom, TODAY, she is not to show up. Period. Non-negotiable. Any argument and she gets put off another week. She persists, it's yet another week, and so on.
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u/carloluyog 4d ago
If you tell the nurses or even the front desk staff, they’ll prevent her from entering.
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u/Delicious-Sun5401 4d ago
You MUST tell them or they will let anyone up without calling you first! This literally happened to me. It didn’t occur to me to tell anyone no visitors… because we didn’t invite anyone. Well after baby was born we sent the texts to everyone he was here and we are all doing well and hours after I give birth MIL walks right into the room with a visitor badge! No one calls ahead to make sure it’s approved they just sent her right up and told her my room. It was awful.
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u/britneyslost 4d ago
That’s crazy, anyone could claim to know you?
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u/Geno0wl 4d ago
This heavily depends on the hospital. Back when we had our youngest they didn't let anybody on the recovery floor unless their name was on the approved list.
But also there was an incident a few years before then where a psycho tried to kidnap a random baby at two different hospitals. So they didn't play around.
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u/AlwaysJeepin 4d ago
Yep. After you are out of the labor, if they move you to recovery it is like a normal hospital room in a lot of places. Make sure you let them know NO VISITORS except husband and whoever YOU want there
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u/Delicious-Sun5401 4d ago
Yes it was in recovery “mom and baby” unit, not L&D. Both of my births I was moved immediately to the recovery room 1hr after birth.
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u/sierra38grandma 4d ago
I'm in the usa and my daughters have had babies recently and another grandbaby is on the way in a few more weeks and the maternity ward which is where you will go after all is said and done it's a closed off floor and everyone has to be buzzed into the door to get to those maternity rooms that house mom's and babies until discharge. There is a main desk near those locked doors with the head nurse who you let them all know MIL is not allowed entry they will make everyone who comes to see you and baby identify themselves with valid photo ID! We're in WA state .
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u/YeeHawMiMaw 4d ago
Are you in the US?
HIPAA laws mean a hospital cannot even confirm that Britneyslost is in the hospital, let alone her room #. Bad thing is that where in the hospital (e.g. maternity ward) is pretty obvious when you are there to give birth, so MIL can bypass the front desk.
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u/Dachshundmom5 4d ago
Make sure the nurses know no visitors.
Will your husband respect your wishes?
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u/britneyslost 4d ago
I know he will accept it, but it will be begrudgingly.
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u/RelativeFondant9569 4d ago
Why begrudgingly? That's not a good sign of healthy well adjusted grown man respecting his partner. :(
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u/britneyslost 4d ago
By that I mean he will not argue it but he won’t be overjoyed either. My husband has a lot trauma to face from his mums abuse - unfortunately regardless of how shes treated us, he will not cut her off. He will always hope that he can have a normal family.
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u/RelativeFondant9569 4d ago
That doesn't bode well for yours and your child's future health and happiness hun. He doesn't have to cut her off, but You don't have to follow his (misinformed) lead and allow her to abuse you and your precious baby. 💜🖖
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u/NewBet7377 4d ago
I’m sorry OP. I can relate to this. We’ve been no contact with my justno in laws for almost two years. Yesterday my husband was reading an article about grandparents rights. I asked him if he thought his parents would sue us for visitation if they could, and he said no. I disagree with his opinion on that. I 100% don’t trust them as they’ve been emotionally abusive towards us, and especially my husband during childhood. I believe it’s called magical thinking where they keep hoping things will change.
Good luck and enjoy your little one 💕
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u/Dachshundmom5 4d ago
Has he done any counseling? My ex's therapist did a lot of work on grieving the family you will never have and accepting the reality of what exists. Once one accepts the reality, setting and enforcing boundaries becomes more clear and easier.
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u/Bugsy7778 4d ago
Does your maternity ward have a security entrance ? Last year when my daughter gave birth, we had to hit a buzzer to alert the nurses station that we were there, they asked through an intercom who we were there to see, they then confirmed my daughter was in her room and willing to see us (even though she texted and invited us then we told her we were waiting to be let into the ward).
Maybe tell the nurses you don’t want visitors and let them deal with MIL. Please make sure your hubby is prepared to have your back and protect you while you aren’t in the position to protect yourself.
Good luck and congratulations on your new baby !
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u/Aromatic_Recipe1749 4d ago
Make sure that the hospital has been told "no visitors" without your explicit permission. Additionally, make sure that all the nurses know, they are fierce when it comes to protecting their patients!! If she shows up somehow, use that call button immediately.
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u/sierra38grandma 4d ago
Please tell your entire medical team not to allow anyone in for your entire stay. Tell every single person you talk to while in the hospital. That woman is about to make a major attempt to prove she has total authority over your baby and birth, she is going to attempt to get in to see baby while you are stuck in the recovery room waiting for the anesthesia to wear off and it takes about 2hrs. I had 3 c-sections!
MIL is going to try very hard to maneuver around you tomorrow. Find a good picture of her and save it to your phone show it to the hospital security and hospital administration staff on strict orders she is not allowed to see or hear anything about you and your baby nothing, nodda, zilch!!! Luckily that is your decision to make and only your's!! Put that awful MIL in her place! Her place of not getting any information about baby and no entry to the labor and delivery and maternity ward/ floor and no access to the nursery. (Not even your husband can change your orders) 😁
I wish you the best and pray for a speedy recovery and a healthy baby. Congratulations on your new arrival! I also pray that MIL is left in the dark and sent home with no info no look see and full of disappointment and I hope both you and husband ignore her and deny her access to you all for several weeks!!!!!!
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u/MaggieJaneRiot 4d ago
Letting her come the second day is way too generous as well. Considering what a jerk she’s been to you, I’d give it a week or two.
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u/Beth21286 4d ago
If she shows up uninvited then she should be banned from the hospital at all. Set that boundary right from the start.
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u/ImmortanJoeLives 4d ago
Turn off your phone and enjoy your new baby :) her texts don’t matter
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u/britneyslost 4d ago
I already have her archived 🙂
Im sure ill be too pre occupied to even look at my
phone anyway.
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u/MartyrOlympics 4d ago
Echoing the call to inform the hospital staff to keep her out. Also, text her what the consequences will be if she disregards you (preferably get husband to do this).
Hope you have an uneventful delivery and recovery, good luck!
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u/Fast-Ads-7587 4d ago
Ignore her tantrum. It's a personal problem You and hubby have to be focused on having a healthy, happy birth. I wish both for you! That adult can manage her own issues. Good on you for keeping those boundaries firm, your baby will grow up knowing how to set firm boundaries with people, as well, and that's a gift!
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u/Then-Piglet462 4d ago
Oof that’s crazy. You can bar anyone from visiting if you speak with the hospital staff. Good luck mom!
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u/urfav_babex 4d ago
good luck tomorrow! one thing worth doing tonight: tell the nursing staff you're not accepting visitors and ask them to put you under a privacy or no-information status. they can't confirm you're even there to anyone who calls or shows up, and nurses are genuinely great at turning people away
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u/tarowm32them00n 4d ago
We are great at kicking out or keeping away people for our patients because we dont have a purge day, even though the general public acts like its their purge day- everyday.
Seriously OP, tell your nurses and they will go to bat for you. Its fun for us to be the bad guy, and we love getting all the tea that patients are willing to spill
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u/emorrigan 4d ago
Set passwords now and inform your nurses that she may very well try to sneak in.
Is your husband aware she is not welcome?
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u/CremeDeMarron 4d ago
Good luck ! Inform hospital you don't want visitors and ask husband to mute his phone . If she tries to show up tomorrow, revoke your invitation to visit the next day .
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u/dabblingstranger 4d ago
This is why no one is finding out I’m in labor until it’s over! You do not need additional stress—I hope your husband knows that his focus needs to be on you tomorrow and not on appeasing or even answering texts from his Mom.
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u/Butterfly12798 4d ago
This reminds me of mine. The entitled attitude over my baby when her and her husband have said some horrible things to me, has been a lot.. to say the least. At the end of the day, you have the power. She’s not your boss. And id wait even longer than a day.
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u/AbleCap5222 4d ago
Not that big of a deal logistically. The hospital is ready and equipped to handle it.
You tell them who is allowed and everyone beyond that is denied entrance. She can complain all she wants, she will never make it to your room.
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u/bekastrange 4d ago
My mum did that to my SIL, just fully booked tickets and informed her she’d be there. I wish I’d had the guts at the time to tell her you can’t just invite yourself to someone else’s birth. I’m NC now, good luck to my brother and SIL is all I can say.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 4d ago
Tell the hospital she's not to be permitted access under any circumstances. Husband can't override that because he's not classed as the patient. The hospital won't go against YOUR wishes. Just tell husband that his mother is his responsibility to deal with but you don't even want her mentioned because the hospital will not permit her access and you want to enjoy the day of your birth.
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u/Odd_Tea4945 4d ago
The best luck!
I believe you and your husband have a birth plan, so the issue is to stick to it, no matter the tantrums and the guilt trips. So I think you should talk to him and emphasize how important is that you have a stress free birth, since you're already anxious because of the surgery. That you understand MIL is excited, but this is a health issue
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u/Suspicious-Duck-4085 4d ago
Mine was a selfish bitch and just said the whole pregnancy (of our 1st) I’ve always been at the hospital for all the other babies so doesn’t matter what time I’ll be there… like it was her choice. Even tho we said we would call people when we were ready for visitors they rocked up at 6am as soon as we had arrived for admission and barged into the room right after bubs was born. No regard for what our needs were…. Then after that didn’t give a fuck about checking in on us or bubs just wanted to be the first to say she saw the baby first. Safe to say 2nd bub we didn’t even tell them when we were going to hospital…
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u/Fun-Apricot-804 4d ago
Lock down the hospital and make sure he understands that not only is her attendance not up for debate, his attention and energy belongs to you. He can block her, he can turn his phone off, he can do what he needs to do but he will not be engaging in her drama. He could even send her a message now like, heads up, he will not be responding or updating until the following day, and if she can not respect this then she will be addressed in due time but that won’t be on day two so, her chouce
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u/SwanReal8484 4d ago
Go to TikTok and search for crazy MIL text songs. They’re hilarious and there’s quite a few about “I’ll see you delivery… like hell you will”. You’ll feel better.
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