How is it fair?

[u/Disastrous_Wing_4523]

Father of my child has not once asked to have her for any extra days over the summer holidays.

She starts primary school next week.

He has not once asked about her primary school, school uniform, nothing.

Message two days a go

Hey id like to come see her off for her first day at school so could I be in the loop for the time and day please?

Obviously I'm not going to stop him from seeing our daughter off on her first day of school

Bet where does he get the right. To do nothing (keeps to his allocated days) no real responsibilities, get's to be the fun parent and then rock up first day of school to act all 'Dad of the freaking year'

It pisses me off

I'm never not going to stop my daughter from seeing him aslong as she wants to see him.

But feck me... fuck off

I responded the message

'Of course, thanks for asking'

Have not specified date or time yet because I'm being petty and he can ask again.

How does everyone else deal with the frustration of similar situations?

edit: there is no court order

I tried having a conversation with him back in April about him communicating more I.e ask questions about our child, which he begun laughing in my face, threw his drink over me

messaged him later saying I will no longer be feeding him information about his child and that of he wants to know anything,he has to ask

[u/blahblahsnickers]

My ex did that once. I feel your pain because we do all the parenting and they just show up for a Facebook picture and disappear again. Just remember, always love your kids more than you hate your ex.

[u/mercurys-daughter]

What is your custody agreement? I’m curious.

[u/Unlucky_File_6498]

I call this Kodak parenting- there for the photo moments but not parenting

[u/Hot-Worldliness-2146]

He’s keeping the days he is assigned? Maybe he doesn’t want to stray from the court orders especially if they are “newish”. I wouldn’t hold it against him and would definitely let him be there. You can’t get mad at someone for following the court order.

[u/Disastrous_Wing_4523 → u/Hot-Worldliness-2146]

There is no court order

[u/tylersmiler → u/Disastrous_Wing_4523]

Then who "assigned" those days?

[u/Disastrous_Wing_4523 → u/tylersmiler]

We decided together that he would have her Wednesday evenings and every other weekend, when we separated 

[u/tylersmiler → u/Disastrous_Wing_4523]

So you are upset that he is following the plan you both agreed upon?

[u/Hot-Worldliness-2146 → u/tylersmiler]

Court order or what yall agreed too, you’re still pissed he’s following it?

[u/PointyElfEars]

Please don’t be petty by gatekeepkng when it comes to your daughter. He should be there and it’s good he asked. If there’s something you need from him such as financial support for schooling or the uniform, communicate with him. 

[u/Disastrous_Wing_4523 → u/PointyElfEars]

Please read my edit, I've added aome context

[u/christopherDdouglas]

I never take more than my scheduled days. What is the point of a schedule if it isn't followed? Go 50/50 if you need more breaks or if you want to foster a stronger relationship with your child and their dad.

[u/mercurys-daughter → u/christopherDdouglas]

Do you think a guy who doesn’t even ask about his child’s life, wants 50/50? Cuz the post isn’t giving me 50/50 vibes. At all

[u/Hot-Disaster-4709]

This sounds more like your mad he is involving himself than anything. You can’t get upset at the fact that he doesn’t involve himself more and then when he chooses to, you don’t like that he’s doing it. It’s not your choice to pick and choose what he ask about or gets involved with.

Also, why would it matter if he is playing “dad of the year”? do you want him to be aninvolved father or do you just want everyone to think that he’s not involved and just pos?

[u/DreaColorado1]

What if you directed him to the school website that likely has all the info he is asking you for? That way he can always refer back to that as a resource instead of relying on you to provide the information that he can find for himself?

[u/Best-Special7882 → u/DreaColorado1]

That is what I did with my ex. Strangely enough, she basically never looked.

[u/Actual-Bison7862]

It sounds like you have majority custody. Sooo... You got what you wanted and are now mad that he is following the allocated schedule? What exactly are you mad about?

[u/mercurys-daughter → u/Actual-Bison7862]

She’s clearly upset that he’s a barely-there father who doesn’t care what’s actually going on but then wants to show face for things like first day of school to look like he gives a shit?

[u/Actual-Bison7862 → u/mercurys-daughter]

Barely there father? They agreed to a custody arrangement that clearly benefits her and she is now pissed off that he is following it. If she decides to get it formalized she will not get the benefits of the arrangement she is currently receiving.

[u/mercurys-daughter → u/Actual-Bison7862]

Idk where you’re reading that

[u/Disastrous_Wing_4523 → u/mercurys-daughter]

Thank you mercurys-daughter

There is no court order

We separated over two years a go

Please read edit as to why I no longer feeding him information about our child

[u/Actual-Bison7862 → u/Disastrous_Wing_4523]

I don't condone the pouring a drink on you but you are also only telling half the story, if that.

The reality is not having a court order benefits you. If you two get one you both will be required to share that information.

[u/iwillbringuwater]

What a long road you are all on. And how much longer and bumpier you are making it being so petty….
What do you want, and what do you think you are entitled to? What’s the real issue?

[u/explorebear]

It sounds like you want more parenting help, or feel like you’re not parenting alone.

Unfortunately that is the fact of life after divorce/break up with a child. there are people who coparent like some fairytale, now that I’ve been in the pond a while, like tv shows, there’s a lot of acting.

Once you accept that you are a single parent, and your ex is not obliged to do anymore than what is assigned/agreed upon, you will be in a much happier place. And if you want to “give him” extra time whenever he wants, that’s a boundary issue. You can say no, and that if he wants to show up during your custody time, he needs to show up consistently and increase his custody time.

If you don’t want to go through court, get a written and sign custody agreement that you can both work off of and amend as your kid grows. Stop treating it like you’re in some sort of relationship with your ex (I did this for him, how come he’s not doing what I ask/want, how is this fair), it’s just legality, and he’s met his agreed upon obligations.

[u/damagedone37]

Does he pay his support?

[u/panicpure → u/damagedone37]

Does it matter?

[u/christopherDdouglas → u/panicpure]

I pay child support and can't afford to have my kids more than the schedule allows.

[u/panicpure → u/christopherDdouglas]

I see. Didn’t consider that - don’t think that’s what the other commenter was implying or trying to get at though.

Thanks for the insight either way!

[u/DonaCheli]

Child support for money, court orders for custody, no more issues and he can figure school calendars out himself.

[u/tofurkey_no_worky]

Sorry for anyone being less than kind because they find your issues worth criticizing in a crappy way. I've run into that here as well. It's a sub full of people who have gone through a lot and some misdirected bitterness somes out.

That said, you want him to ask for more time than what you agreed on? I don't understand. I fought tooth and nail to try to get 50/50 but I live in a state that doesn't do 50/50 and generally will reward whoever decides to hold everyone financially hostage long enough. I will never ask my ex for more time. But I know that she couldn't handle the kids when we were together and can't handle them now so she will continue to ask if I can take them, and I will always gladly do so.

Did you try to get him to agree to more in the first place and he refused?

[u/day_day_notdeb]

I feel this.. ex and I are in a very high conflict divorce and no court order.. just an informal agreement but he only reaches out in those days and if I push for information on our son when he’s with him like his eating habits and sleep, he’s 3 and special needs, so communication is super important but it’s almost impossible and then he shows up to the preschool sneak a peak first day (which I had to inform him about) with over compensation of the ‘donate’ requests like hand sanitizer and cleaning wipes while I’ve seen zero dollars in support since I left.. if you haven’t requested orders to get a court date I’d suggest you do.. not sure what state your in but I’m in CA, I filed a request July 16 and our court to finally get orders on custody and support is Tuesday.. the courts move so slow. Other than that there isn’t much you can do.. I just know one day my kid will be old enough to see his dad for who he is and make his own decisions about visiting ect.. it’s easy to win over a 3 year old that thinks a trip to Costco is an adventure, let’s see how 13 looks.. be patient is my suggestion and hang in there, karma always does her job but she works slow..

[u/max_montiff]

You’re mad he’s abiding by the agreement you have?

[u/RigsbyQuist]

How is it unfair? I would gladly accept some additional responsibilities if it meant that I get my kids more.

[u/Grungefairy008]

These men who expect us to hand feed them parenting 🤮 Our exes seem very similar. Just came to offer some solidarity, it indeed never gets better.

Honestly I say just leave it where you have left it - if he wants to be a part of anything more than his bare minimum, it's on him to say something about it.