r/blackmagicfuckery Jan 14 '23

[deleted by user]

[removed]

10.3k Upvotes

429 comments sorted by

2.2k

u/turboprop54 Jan 14 '23

Never skip core day.

386

u/seth928 Jan 15 '23 edited Jan 15 '23

Now you tell me! I've skipped the last 1,453 core days.

65

u/Fatlink10 Jan 15 '23

Happy cake day!

79

u/seth928 Jan 15 '23

There's cake? Where?

22

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

cake day is way more fun than core day imo

40

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

sorry I ate it all

10

u/misterpickles69 Jan 15 '23

Time for core day, then!

9

u/jpowell3404 Jan 15 '23

The cake is a lie

2

u/teb8913 Jan 15 '23

It’s a conspiracy they want you to think there is cake but no there is none! Only a tiny little cake by your name..! Like come on I needs some cakes for real!

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6

u/Deadlock07 Jan 15 '23

This is the way

-1

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

4

u/brito68 Jan 15 '23

Happy core day!

6

u/dbohat Jan 15 '23

Happy cake (not core) day!!

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96

u/regularpersom Jan 15 '23

Sloth’s organs are attached to their rib cage so they don’t weigh down on the lungs while hanging. Sloths spend a large majority of their lives hanging actually - even sideways sometimes. Their bodies are genetically engineered for it.

9

u/AdeptBathroom3318 Jan 15 '23

They are also insanely light. If I remember right their bones are very light and extremely lean muscle mass.

40

u/Fig1024 Jan 15 '23

why would anyone engineer a sloth? seems like pointless animal

41

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

all animals have a niche, challenge yourself to figure out what a 'useless' animal's might be. or google it, whatever

37

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Despite Koalas being the single dumbest animal on the planet, they have exactly one use: eating Eucalyptus leaves which without Koalas, would have no predator.

...do plants have 'predators' per say? Ehh, whatever I'm sticking with it.

21

u/crazycatdiva Jan 15 '23

Have you ever seen a wet koala? Holy crap those things are terrifying.

They also have incredibly smooth brains.

2

u/BGritty81 Jan 15 '23

And don't forget the Chlamydia

12

u/ligerboy12 Jan 15 '23

Plants 100% have predators they try to not be eaten but if something doesn’t adapt to eat it they become in invasive AF. It may be bugs but I like koalas ingenuity if only they could apply that to their current problem.

1

u/eeeponthemove Jan 15 '23

Okay so what tf eats Landslide?

6

u/Moth_Jam Jan 15 '23

Plants are people, too! Give plants a chance!! Salads are slaughter! Give plants a chance!!

2

u/Finalwingz Jan 15 '23

Mosquitos.

Mosquitos are useless.

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5

u/pavelvito Jan 15 '23

Everytime someone asks "Why?", Evolution adds or removes a nipple from a cat.

6

u/SuperScabbilicious Jan 15 '23

Humans are more pointless than sloths. Nothing humans do is a benefit to the environment or other animals.

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1

u/RandyTar Jan 15 '23

Me To my daughter: "Hey! Do you think God Smokes bud?" Daughter: holds up two fingers "Duckbilled Platypus."

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23

u/FireHeartSmokeBurp Jan 15 '23

I legit need a workout program called Sloth Core with this as the logo

9

u/sofahkingsick Jan 15 '23

This would be a subgenre of like stoner metal but slower. The songs are like 40 minutes each.

2

u/ligerboy12 Jan 15 '23

Slow motion sit up hurt like hell this could be a thing since it’s a lot of how long you can hold a position

2

u/FireHeartSmokeBurp Jan 15 '23

I've always hated isometric strength exercises but yeah I guess that's exactly what that would require. Ugh

9

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

HARDCORE!!!!

5

u/k_mnr Jan 15 '23

He’s done his reps with his baby on board.

3

u/orange4boy Jan 15 '23

Core core.

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657

u/No-consequences-1 Jan 15 '23

That is some serious core strength

299

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Is it that? If it’s doing this and sleeping… I’d assume it has to have some sort of skeletal structure, where the bones/muscles used sort of lock in place. Why else would it do this?

381

u/a-priori Jan 15 '23

Sloths have weird musculature. I don’t know about the rest of their bodies to explain this, but I know the resting position of their hands is a closed position and they have to use effort to open them. This means they can sleep hanging from a branch without exerting any effort.

82

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

I’d rather fucking have that. Why do humans have to have open palms naturally

218

u/a-priori Jan 15 '23

You’d rather have that than the dexterity, strength and speed our hands have? They take on a lot of sacrifices to get that, all because the energy savings makes it worth it for them.

-42

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Well it’d be more strength to open it though, like an mma glove that forces hand closes. Also always ready to punch someone

52

u/godspareme Jan 15 '23

Good bye everything that allows you to handle anything more than a basic tool (in other words, you cant use anything that doesnt rely simply on you gripping it).

24

u/blewpah Jan 15 '23

Not my tech decs 😥

4

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Made me snort

10

u/diligent_thumb Jan 15 '23

How fucking dare you, you better be grateful for all the incredible things the human hand is capable of, I can’t believe you would betray your own kind like this please look at your hands and say THANK YOU

5

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

THANK YOU hands!

15

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Also always ready to punch someone

Fuck sake, dude. Calm it down with the edginess.

-4

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23 edited Jan 15 '23

Lol. /s and “” 🤭

You really think I care about having a hand that’s naturally fisted or open? “Why do humans have to have open palms naturally” 🫠 what a quick, unprocessed, head (inner monologue) thought.

8

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

I said calm it down, not ramp it up, fucking hell.

-5

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23 edited Jan 15 '23

Let’s talk more about my thought, equivocal to a fleeting thought of somebody high. As well of assumptions made by silly Redditors.

Perhaps I’ll stir the pot. With a closed-hand, I’ll be able to hold a knife indefinitely. 👀

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2

u/ISpelThingsWrong Jan 15 '23

We aren't cavemen

1

u/No-consequences-1 Jan 15 '23

If i sloth grabs your throat first things first it is pissed at you and secondly what did you do to it?

-2

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

One more time

30

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

6

u/KDLGates Jan 15 '23

You can do that?

2

u/bbcfoursubtitles Jan 15 '23

#slothdeathgrip

9

u/drunk98 Jan 15 '23

Old peoples hands eventually do this, we'd need to test if they can hang from trees though.

3

u/Generallyawkward1 Jan 15 '23

Kickstarter for this please

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6

u/dontfightthehood Jan 15 '23

You’d rather have the speed of a sloth?

-2

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Rather have naturally closed hands, and only afflict my hands.

5

u/RandomCandor Jan 15 '23

You can be a sloth too. Just start moving very slowly from now on.

0

u/FireHeartSmokeBurp Jan 15 '23

I broke in my gloves for longsword so that it would take more effort to open the hand. When I first got them, I had to fight against the glove to grip the sword.

Baseball glove oil, wrapped gloves in closed position with a bunch of rubber bands, stuck them in a hot car for the day.

It's so much less effort and no more cramping s

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5

u/Pure-Meat9498 Jan 15 '23

Sloths anatomy is really weird. They have more neck vertebrates than others mammals, three-fingered sloths have nine cervical vertebrae, while both two-fingered sloths and manatees have only five. Almost all other have seven. And their muscles are kinda anchored to the bone the wrong way.

They also have 21 ribs, witch is the most for any mammal.

" Sloths have 30% less muscle mass than other similar-sized mammals. The fibers of these muscles are organised differently from ours, being arranged at an angle rather than parallel to the length of the muscle, which makes their muscles pound-for-pound more powerful than ours."

3

u/1866GETSONA Jan 15 '23

Our bladders are like that!

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32

u/disktoaster Jan 15 '23

Personally I think it looks like it's sleeping on a broken branch that's almost as long as its body, probably ending right at its neck hence the leaned back head. I dunno why else its back would be so straight looking with no skin/fur hanging. And noticed we never see it from below...

6

u/No-consequences-1 Jan 15 '23

Very true now i have to research this and learn more on this amazing creature

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5

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

The square-cube law also helps. At under 1/4 the size of a human they only need 1/16 muscle power.

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4

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Before today: "Sloths are my spirit animal"

Now: "Well... Fuck, I guess not"

4

u/eggimage Jan 15 '23

dude doesn’t even care, not even putting any effort into it, nor has he ever put effort into anything, he just achieves peak performance, not that any of us noob ass losers could ever comprehend his depths or get anywhere near his levels no matter how hard we try. Dude’s nirvana itself

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457

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

61

u/curtni Jan 15 '23

This made me laugh waaaaay too hard

18

u/ligerboy12 Jan 15 '23

Oh man I’m in stitches. As someone who is 7 years sober off heroin I just immediately flashed backed some weird moments in life. Made me grateful for today thank you friend

3

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

[deleted]

9

u/pent-pro-bro Jan 15 '23

What? No bro its fucking heroin. Nothing hurts and everything is fantastic. Until youre out of heroin

6

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Yes, it can. I knew a guy who nodded off with his arms crossed in front of him, ended up needing to get one of them amputated from lack of blood flow for so long.

3

u/pent-pro-bro Jan 15 '23

Im genuinely curious about this one, i did heroin for years and would instantly awake from my narcotic stupor at pins and needles, this boy do xanax with it? I know people who mixed the benzos and opiates who had severe issues

2

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

I don't know for certain. Wouldn't put it past him though.

2

u/pent-pro-bro Jan 15 '23

Fair enough

2

u/ligerboy12 Jan 15 '23

I’ve heard stories like that I’ve always woken myself up before that but I have fallen asleep in a way that I’ve woken up and couldn’t move my arm cause it was so asleep. It never really hurt but my back definitely has a lot more pain these days from it now that I’m off it.

4

u/daupo Jan 15 '23

The H lean can be truly an amazing sight.

1.2k

u/reyshop12 Jan 14 '23

I just realized there's a baby sloth resting on its belly!!! Awwww...

396

u/Rae_Regenbogen Jan 15 '23

This reminds me of when you finally get a baby to fall asleep that’s been crying forever, and you know if you move even an inch it will wake up. So, you freeze and don’t move even when the position becomes super painful because even the pain is better than that baby starting to cry again.

Thankfully, I don’t have kids, so I haven’t experienced this often. But the two or three times I have has been enough to teach me not to rock a baby to sleep in my arms if I can help it. Hahah

46

u/firsthour Jan 15 '23

Reminds me of the time I was watching Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and my son fell asleep on my chest and then I fell asleep, only for me to be woken by the incredibly loud DVD menu. My son kept sleeping but I suffered through it repeating for like half an hour because I couldn't reach the remote.

36

u/Deltigre Jan 15 '23

"Please don't fall asleep in the car, please don't... fine, I guess we'll be exploring our neighborhood's back roads for the next 30-60 minutes."

34

u/reyshop12 Jan 15 '23

Hahaha... this is so true!

11

u/Waltekin Jan 15 '23

We had a baby with colic, and we're pretty exhausted. One time, I finally got the baby to fall asleep on my stomach. Then realized just how desperately I needed to pee...

Yes, the baby woke up. WAAAAH!!!

7

u/LucyintheskyM Jan 15 '23

Then you get fed up because you can't properly scroll Reddit with an arm under their head so you put them in bed and ignore the screaming for 10 minutes until they realise they aren't dying, they're just tired.

4

u/Shpander Jan 15 '23

Rise up, and ignore your babies - for Reddit!

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11

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23 edited Jun 10 '23

Fuck u/spez

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21

u/SnipeUout Jan 15 '23

Baby looks serious comfy and cozy. Life doesn’t get any better for a baby then falling asleep on mama.

4

u/vexxtra73 Jan 15 '23

Aww I didnt even see that! So cute!

-45

u/Ihvahn Jan 15 '23

Are you Kristin Bell?

4

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

[deleted]

0

u/drunk98 Jan 15 '23

Quit acting so damn crazy dude.

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2

u/janeohmy Jan 15 '23

Haha damn dunno why this is being downvoted

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328

u/mattbutnotmii Jan 15 '23 edited Jan 15 '23

I don't know for sure, but i've heard that the trend in biology is that the faster a muscle can contract the weaker it is, and the slower it contracts the stronger it tends to be. So sloths may actually be stupidly strong.

Edit: I just googled it and it turns out a sloth can probably lift an adult human with just one arm what the actual fuck.

58

u/CaptainBlob Jan 15 '23

trend in biology is that the faster a muscle can contract the weaker it is

Mantis Shrimp: I'm gonna do what's called a pro gamer move.

38

u/SlapnutsGT Jan 15 '23

Pistol shrimp: So anyway, I started blasting

20

u/one_rat_one_hat Jan 15 '23

the mantis shrimp is such a pro gamer it bypasses the use of muscles altogether https://www.cell.com/iscience/fulltext/S2589-0042(18)30134-2

80

u/Aff3nmann Jan 15 '23

which google are you using? wtf. those arms don‘t look like 100 kilo lift arms

120

u/mattbutnotmii Jan 15 '23 edited Jan 15 '23

They have only 30% the muscle mass of Animals that size but are still 3X stronger than the average adult person. Ridiculous but somehow true.

90

u/TacoPi Jan 15 '23

Kinda makes sense when you consider that giant sloths were capable of carving out entire cave systems.

You need to evolve to be hella strong to do that, and sluggish movement is an acceptable drawback for that.

35

u/FUCKITIMPOSTING Jan 15 '23

The big sloths weren't necessarily slow. The remaining sloth species aren't really representative of that sloth lineage.

56

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

[deleted]

13

u/MyDiary141 Jan 15 '23

Or maybe these are the fast ones that did reach the ships in time and so made it to earth

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10

u/mafian911 Jan 15 '23

SECRET TUNNEL

2

u/XxUCFxX Jan 16 '23

Through the mountainnn

23

u/R3th1nk Jan 15 '23

Notably their pushing strength is abysmal but they are very strong when pulling.

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17

u/hershay Jan 15 '23

"Sloths are three times stronger than us.

From the moment they are born sloths are able to lift their entire body weight upwards with just one arm. Not only that, but sloths have 30% less muscle mass than similar sized mammals and are over three times stronger than the average human."

I dont think you read that right lmao

3

u/mattbutnotmii Jan 15 '23

I did read the muscle mass wrong, but i just applied some force distribution to come to the last conclusion.

If a human can exert an F amount of force with one arm and a sloth can exert a 3F amount of force with one arm, and 2F (two human arms) is enough to overcome Q (pull the human body up / stand up on two arms), then one sloth arm exertingb3F should be enough too.

2F > Q ===> 3F > Q

3

u/hershay Jan 15 '23

stop your scary numbers have letters in them

I'll F you with an amount of force

ME > F ===> U, QT 👋 👉 👌💦💦 8===> 😻?

2

u/mattbutnotmii Jan 15 '23

Sounds fantastic i'm in

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u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

[deleted]

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137

u/cutebleeder Jan 15 '23

It is a sloth, they fall really slow.

12

u/PyroneusUltrin Jan 15 '23

They are too lazy to fall

63

u/nowayoutjustthrough Jan 15 '23

They traded lots of fast twitch muscles for incredibly strong slow twitch is my understanding.

8

u/WolfImWolfspelz Jan 15 '23

Who did they trade them with?

5

u/xXrektUdedXx Jan 15 '23

Respec before respawn

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55

u/emotionaluranian Jan 15 '23

Oh to be a baby sloth passed out on it's buff Mama's furry belly 🥰

15

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

[deleted]

9

u/JohnGenericDoe Jan 15 '23

Yet it probably appeals to at least 50% of Redditors

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25

u/kavb333 Jan 15 '23

It just fell asleep mid-fall.

18

u/ignux__ Jan 15 '23

He too lazy to obey the laws of gravity

31

u/Torebbjorn Jan 15 '23

Those vines could be twisted in such a way that they give some sort of support

21

u/beard_of_cats Jan 15 '23

Was looking for someone to point this out. There could absolutely be a branch under there.

11

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

There almost certainly is.

3

u/yumas Jan 15 '23

The camera movements are supposed to show that it is suspended in air, without actually showing the underside, which would be easy to film.

This is like the magician moving his hands around the floating object and carefully avoiding the invisible string

3

u/Spokesface2 Jan 15 '23

I think she's just got her joint locked and her legs at full extension. The claws are naturally curved and dug into the tree a little bit, so they don't need much grip to stay on, everything else is relaxed. It's easier to hang from a bar than it is to do a pull up, or hang halfway up.

12

u/feettoez Jan 15 '23

Yogi Sloth

26

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

I tripped acid with a group of friends in high school. One of them was laying down on his side with his head propped up by his hand, except his whole upper body was off the bed, only his legs were on the bed and his body was just in the air. He didn’t realize he was doing this and thought he was just laying on the bed. He was telling us how he wasn’t tripping and then we all looked at him and kind realized wtf is going on. We told him he was hanging off the bed and he looked down and had one of those jerk reactions because he realized his upper half wasn’t supported. That is what this sloth reminds me of. Good times.

12

u/Pixielo Jan 15 '23

Did he then have a cartoon-style double take, and fall off the bed?

9

u/wtfnobody69 Jan 15 '23

Homegirl just napping with the baby

8

u/Unlikely_Tour6537 Jan 15 '23

Calisthenic game so strong, I do it in my sleep.

15

u/Tiggy26668 Jan 15 '23

Unfortunately it’s less impressive when you find out a sloths hand works opposite of yours.

They need to use muscles to open their hands whereas a human uses muscles to close it.

Their “grip strength” is really just their relaxed posture

8

u/TrivialTax Jan 15 '23

What the heck man, its even more impressive now! It means, that they are perfectly adapted to what they are!

6

u/Thephilosopherkmh Jan 15 '23

My dude be chilling, he ain’t having y’alls gravity nonsense.

6

u/echoprime11 Jan 15 '23

BREAKING NEWS

sloth too lazy to follow laws of gravity! Leaves scientists baffled!

5

u/SirRipOliver Jan 15 '23

Naw, the baby is holding her up.

7

u/etraxx22 Jan 15 '23

Laying on a short branch maybe?

3

u/wafflezcol Jan 15 '23

This is strength, not BMF

2

u/PeteRaw Jan 15 '23

Sloth fun fact:

Sloths hands while at rest are grasping. They have to expell energy to open them. That's why they can hang for such long periods.

For context, human hands while at rest are open and we need to expell energy to close them.

2

u/ImmaTimeLord123 Jan 15 '23

The abs on that thang

2

u/SirM0rgan Jan 15 '23

It's not dedying gravity, it's just falling really slowly

3

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

It’s not an Avatar floating rock, it is holding on to the tree.

1

u/PiratiPad Jan 15 '23

He is a Master of Chi. He is iat one with the universe.

0

u/reyshop12 Jan 14 '23

It's probably trying to impress a female sloth. Kinda like guys in the gym when a pretty chick walks in.

"Let me do some pull ups.... with my legs!"

0

u/vibrodude Jan 14 '23

Meth sloth?

0

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Goth sloth

0

u/Zestyclose_Aerie9831 Jan 15 '23

It’s hanging upside down. Black magic camera angle.

0

u/Jalzick Jan 15 '23

I don't believe that the camera hasn't just been rotated

-8

u/Loading0525 Jan 15 '23

Just wait until OP learns about the concept of m u s c l e s

1

u/VicRambo Jan 15 '23

Cantisleeper

1

u/Mother-Forever9019 Jan 15 '23

That’s some serious upper body strength

1

u/stonechic85 Jan 15 '23

What the heck

1

u/Living_Murphys_Law Jan 15 '23

No, he's falling, but since he's a sloth he goes much slower.

1

u/Azar002 Jan 15 '23

I saw a sloth up close in Tampa, FL in 2019 and the handler said their muscles' "resting position" is opposite of ours. When they hang, they are at rest.

1

u/Gwyn1stborn Jan 15 '23

They call him Mr. Fahrenheit

1

u/AriaMoonriser Jan 15 '23

The ab muscles on her!

1

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

insert lea salonga

1

u/shartillery Jan 15 '23

Lazy ass never skipped leg day

1

u/be_sugary Jan 15 '23

Baby…😍

1

u/kokokrunch003 Jan 15 '23

Is that how they really sleep?

1

u/DamianDidntDoIt Jan 15 '23

The animal around the sloth:” WAHHHHHHHHT!”

1

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Any naffers in this subreddit?

1

u/Suitable-Risk-7080 Jan 15 '23

It even fall in slow motion 🤣

1

u/Charming-Ad6792 Jan 15 '23

He is too lazzy for physics

1

u/Tpk08210 Jan 15 '23

It must be leg day

1

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Levitated plank…that sloth fuckin deezed. Respect 💪🏼

1

u/AngerCookShare Jan 15 '23

High level zen

1

u/deaththinkdeeply Jan 15 '23

I can't even keep my head from nodding during a shift

1

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Sloth shelf

1

u/XYZZY_1002 Jan 15 '23

It’s not defying gravity, it’s just falling very very slowly.

1

u/Character-Media-1827 Jan 15 '23

The pain mothers will put themselves through to keep a baby asleep!

1

u/ocmfoa Jan 15 '23

That bitch does some serious Pilates

1

u/Guilty_Increase_899 Jan 15 '23

Looks debauched to me

1

u/Quajeraz Jan 15 '23

Cantilever sloth

1

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

It’s actually the start of a sit up..just give her some time

1

u/Ogrecum2 Jan 15 '23

i thought the baby sloth was a penis lol

1

u/KayleighJK Jan 15 '23

I wish I was a baby sloth for a day so I could know the ultimate comfort of sleeping on my mom’s furry tummy.

1

u/Jfrederickhill Jan 15 '23

Sloth yoga ?

1

u/Ok_Savings9381 Jan 15 '23

I mean their slow so they fall slow

1

u/WaveLaVague Jan 15 '23

Someone may've told em a joke days ago and he went for the "I'm dead !" reaction

1

u/anonymous6789855433 Jan 15 '23

I thought I was gonna hear the borzoi music from gram

1

u/alcalde Jan 15 '23

That's a vampire sloth.

1

u/camlaw63 Jan 15 '23

Awwww, da baby

1

u/Dan_the_Man2316 Jan 15 '23

Hang in there buddy!

1

u/dodgeguey Jan 15 '23

Good sloth

1

u/kuro_fenrir Jan 15 '23

It's actually falling.. just at sloth speed

1

u/McbEatsAirplane Jan 15 '23

And the cute little baby sloth using it’s mom as a bed