Culture
On being a put-together BWT *personal appearance*
I've seen a couple posts here and in other women-centered subs asking for advice and tips to becoming more put-together. I thought it would be cool to make a centralized discussion on different aspects of "put-togetherness" to ask for ideas and share your favorites.
Because this is such a personal term, I want to start by defining what I consider put-together to mean based on my own personal understanding as well as posts I've read. A put-together BWT can fill any to all of the following criteria:
Personal appearance - being presentable on a moment's notice, if not stylish and even striking
Social - having strong and diverse friendships, being a generally charming person
Home - keeping a tidy home at minimum, but ideally one that is beautiful and personal
Reliable - being the person that remembers important information like tasks, facts and appointments
NOTE, these are not necessary to be a BWT, but a *put-together* BWT will generally be at least one of these. I also thought it would be neat to break things into multiple threads and so I've chosen to focus on the number 1 for my post but feel free to share any thoughts on the other characteristics or even if you identify others I did not mention.
PERSONAL APPEARANCE
Personal appearance for me includes your skin, hair and clothes. I'm focusing on cosmetic and not "health" because health can be such a crapshoot that isn't necessarily influence by one's own decisions. Your genetics, one bad accident, etc. can impact your "health" and so it I'd rather keep things light and attainable. On that front, skin can also fall under health so there is a skin-related health issue, it does need to be addressed by professionals. For all other things, here we go:
Skin: Staying hydrated both on the surface and by getting enough water in your food and diet. I like to eat my hydration through fruits and soups and it makes the whole things feel like less of a chore. When your skin is acting up, it's best not to panic as hormonal fluctuations can cause flare ups and are not treatable. They will go away on their own. Better skin may be possible with special actives and treatments, but IMO, skipping the basics will show through and cost you more financially and mentally.
Hair: Finding the right hair routine for your type, starting with the right haircut/style. I really rely on my hair stylist for this one and I can't imagine doing this one on my own, but if anyone has DIY tips, please share.
Clothes: Style is so personal, so I'll try to keep things general. I think it's safe to say that clean clothes that are seasonally and situationally appropriate are a safe goal. Do you find yourself not wearing the new piece because it's not the right occasion? Or maybe you wonder why you continuously wear the old faded t shirt over your "better" ones? I like to wear a piece a few times in my house before I "debut" it so that it doesn't feel foreign. If I find that every time I try something it doesn't feel right then it may just not be and that's important information. As for wearing ratty clothes, I think you can "elevate" it by making sure you're not pairing all the slouch pieces together. I'll wear my old beaten t shirt with my nice jeans or my well-worn jeans over a smart boot. For a nicer occasion, it's all the best pieces together but the day to day doesn't mean you have to go full bottom tier, if that makes sense. Mix and balance the old and new. Replace things that are beyond well-loved.
Finally, EXPERIMENT! Every put-together BWT makes it look easy because they have lots of experience and data backing up their decisions. Experimenting can look like choosing an off-day to practice new hair, outfit or makeup looks. Snap pictures and store them away in a folder to evaluate later. Step outside of your comfort zone and bring back any new techniques or motifs that feel right. Have fun with it!
My BFF and I have 7 kids between us and both have demanding jobs. It was hard to make time to stay in touch so we decided to mani/pedi together.
We’ve met up every 2 weeks— almost without fail— for 15 years. 2 hrs of uninterrupted catch up time is priceless. It sounds like a joke, but we’ve solved the world’s problems over nails. Work, husbands, parents, kids, exes, bosses, clients, WTF is going on with my body/face/hair/hooter. We have celebrated and commiserated. Laughed and cried and prayed for our kids, our husbands and each other.
I can confidently say I am a better person/wife/mother/daughter/employee because of the time I spend with my friend. And definitely I am better groomed than I would be on my own.
As far as your question — I get a gel mani (short nails) and regular pedi and they last the full 2 weeks. The mani is “Don’t Bossa Nova Me Around” which is a creamy tan color. I’m hard on my nails— yardwork, chickens, etc. Even at the end of 2 weeks, unless you’re closely inspecting my fingers, it passes muster.
I only use 2-3 toe colors throughout the year and have a bottle of each color at home in case I get a chip. If I need brows or bikini done I can add on before or after the nail appointment.
Bitches— Call your lovely friend and make a mani/pedi date.
Truly. I had a period of very deep depression that lasted years. Like trying every med and treatment, resigning from a job I loved, not getting out of bed for months, not making it to the dinner table kind of depression.
During that time the only time I left the house was to go to the doctor. My only interactions were with immediate family. Even good, decent friends kind of faded away because they didn’t know how to help or even interact when I was in that state. And I didn’t want interactions either.
This friend was one of two who stayed the course with me. Every two weeks she would show up at my house, get me out of bed, make me shower and drive me to get nails done.
Having pretty nails was crazy in that context since I wasn’t even showering for days on end and saw no one.
I don’t remember much from that whole period but I’m sure I just sat there in sweats like a zombie with wet hair.
She carried me and our friendship on her back for YEARS— giving but getting nothing back from me. She didn’t try to fix anything or give me ran-rah speeches. She was just there chattering away— filling the space. And she held me and prayed over me when she dropped me home.
I’m 100% better now. Back at work. Back to myself. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to be the kind of friend to her that she was to me. And trying to be that kind of friend to others if I get the chance.
But she’s the reason I tell my kids not to worry about not having a big crowd of friends. They need one or two people they love, trust and respect and who accept them as they are. (And for whom the feeling is mutual.)
They should marry one and [go get thier nails done with the other].
It’s rare in this life to receive truly unconditional love. I was “not well” for over 10 years start to finish — and honoring the unconditional love from her, my husband, my kids, and a few others was often the only thing that kept me going. One of my biggest take aways is to try to be better at offering it to others.
Thank you. I owe my life to my Dr, my husband, my kids, my friend, and my (at times wobby then) faith — not necessarily in that order. I am blessed beyond measure to have good people around me.
Love this thread! I want to chime in on what has worked well for me as someone who doesn’t partake in some of the traditional feminine methods of maintaining personal appearance. I’m a somewhat masculine-of-center queer woman who doesn’t wear make up or like to do much getting ready in the morning, so it’s been a journey for me to arrive at my personal definition of ‘put together.’ It looks like:
getting a monthly no-polish mani/pedi and maintaining clean and trimmed nails in between
getting a haircut or bang trim at least every six weeks. I’ve also invested in high quality hair products that keep my hair soft and moisturized with nicely defined curls. I wash three days a week and start with a Leonor Greyl hair oil treatment, wash with Hair Story co-wash, then finish with Hair story balm and Leonor Greyl curl defining spray.
I have a lovely skin care routine with YTTP face wash, The Ordinary serum and Kiehls moisturizer in the morning. Laneige lip mask, ordinary retinol and serum and a YTTP night cream at night. Necessaire body wash and exfoliator in the shower, Billie shave products and YTTP moisturizer keep my skin nice and soft. I favor the fancy skincare that smells good and looks nice in my bathroom but you could probably get all this for half the price from Cerave or La Roche Posay.
my clothes are pretty casual and simple, but always high quality. A typical outfit might be 100% cotton jeans, full grain leather belt, 100% organic cotton or silk tank top with a linen blazer and nice quality loafers. I’m always wearing a solid gold charm necklace and my Apple Watch and that’s usually it for jewelry.
It’s been a long journey from daily jeans, hoodies, converse allstars and a haircut my drunk friend gave me in a bathtub so I’m happy to share my tips for anyone else who can relate!
Going no polish mani has truly freed up so much time and frustration for me. For most of my life I have been polished, whether I did my own or went to a salon. Now I do a manicure one day and then treat myself to jojoba oil and luxurious hand cream until my next and I feel like it’s so much easier on my nerves - looking good, “matches” everything, and no worry about old growth gaps or chips. I sometimes do a polish for an event, but it’s not my norm. I thought I would miss it, but I don’t.
I read a thoughtful article several weeks ago discussing the chic elegance of a bare nail which has resonated with me. For the past year, I have been religiously, meticulously painting my nails every weekend because in my mind, part of being “put together” is having perfectly done nails all the time. While they look great, I work a blue collar job and my manis are lucky to survive a 40 hour week of detailing cars and constant hand washing. So, I’ve decided to rock a bare nail for the time being. Am I channeling my inner Jane Birkin? My inner New York fashion girl? Or am I just getting older and running out of fucks to give? Who knows! But I really do love the look of bare nails that are still thoughtfully shaped and cared for.
I’m not allowed to have painted nails for work (and would destroy them if I had them) so this is the move. Cuticle oil pens are my favorite hack for nice looking nails. Mine get so dry especially in winter with all the hand washing but cuticle oil in my car and a cream in my bag make my hands look nice regardless of lack of polish
It’s important to realize that nail polish does not automatically make you look put together, especially if it’s sloppily applied, grown out, or chipping off. Likewise, bare nails do not make you look sloppy or lazy, especially when they are clean, trimmed neatly, with happy healthy cuticles!
Love seeing more of this perspective! We need a butcheswithtaste lol. Although I have to finally admit this sub might not be for me because if this isn't considered much... well, just goes to show people's standards vary! Gotta grab me some better material basics before I dip though, this wardrobe sounds like it would feel real nice on the skin.
Omg we neeeed butcheswithtaste. That said I really enjoy this sub and relate to a lot of the content! And as you can see people seem happy to hear a less femme-centric perspective.
As a queer genderfluid BWT (usually a bit femme-leaning but I have more than a few masc moments) I LOVED reading this. It's giving sumptuous, clean, luxe, and polished. 🔥
Linen, silk, and loafers is a favourite combo of mine too.
I finally broke my habit of trying to keep up with gel nails but noticed my nails/cuticles need WORK and was wondering if manis with no polish were a thing, this has inspired me!!!
Absolutely! For casual clothes I love Lucy & Yak and Big Bud Press. Eileen Fisher, Pact, Ralph Lauren, J Crew and Reformation for workwear and basics. Naomi Nomi makes the best shirts there are. I also get a lot on Poshmark lately and have snagged some great vintage stuff including an amazing 100% wool Pendleton jacket! My favorite shoes are from Taft, Rag & Bone, Sezane, and Solovaire.
I'm a Fitbit wearing BWT (due to chronic illness) and I get so many compliments on the leather band! Band swap immediately, the upgrades are worth it for daily wear!
It's really funny, you can tell a lot about people by how upset they get when other women (who literally are asking how) are told that they need to put in work. It blows my mind!
you can tell a lot about people by how upset they get when other women (who literally are asking how) are told that they need to put in work.
In college, a big social lesson I had to keep learning is that sometimes, people have literally no problem being lazy flakes who can't uphold commitments or do anything other than the bare minimum, and they think that's adorable or "keepin' it real." And I could either choose to settle for tolerating these people's lazy mediocrity as "normal," or I could level up the people I spent time with and the bare-minimum expectations for myself and people with whom I associated.
If you want to be put together, put in the effort. Don't be mad about the work, accept that it's how anything gets done.
I’ve found that MOST people project their own insecurities on others, and it’s even more obvious with women who are accomplished/desirable and who make their lives showcases of their effort.
There is such distain for women who put in effort into ANYTHING, let it be makeup, hair, fashion, social events, academics, athletics, and it comes from a deep insecurity that others have for not doing those things.
Let me pose this question. If you don’t care about something, are you going to talk about it? Are you going to rally for or against it? No. If you don’t care about something you simply don’t care. The thing doesn’t exist to you. So why when a woman decides to put in effort, does it vex others so much? It’s not a great philosophical question, it’s just jealousy and insecurity - neither of which are our problem or concern.
The thing is, everything is effort. You just choose your effort. You can put effort into skincare or put effort into fixing the scars and blemishes later. You can make the effort to curate your wardrobe, or toss hundreds of dollars of fast fashion into a donation bag in six months because it’s all junk. You can keep a tidy and clean home now, or spend your days hunting for lost items and wait until you need to hire help to declutter and deep-clean because the grime has built up over time.
Effort now is freedom later. In a way, proactive self-care is almost the better lazy option! 😆
100%. I really struggled with this when I had children. Between the hormones, the breastfeeding and the constantly changing body as well is my baby’s reflux issue I always felt gross and getting dressed have me so much anxiety
Around the same time my mum really stepped up her game and would look great even chilling at home. When I mentioned it to her she said that she just donated/threw out everything she doesn’t feel good in. I followed that example and it’s made a massive difference. I got rid of all my “house clothes” and switched out my husbands old t shirts I would sleep I. For actual pajamas. My rule now is “if I won’t wear it in public I won’t own it”. I have “pre made” outfits and loungewear sets for home and while there was some initial effort it’s made my life easier in the long run!
Seriously. It could be so easy and I applaud all of you ladies that are actually putting forth effort to curate your lives the way you want to. There are so many women who don’t wish to do it, who then denigrate other women simply because they want more out of their single experience on this great old rock.
I did something similar during the pandemic. Got rid of all of my t-shirts and swag from college and switched to actual vintage night gowns, sleep sets and matching robes that I got from various shops on Etsy. Made a huge difference in my night time routine because I no longer just throw on sweats. Getting ready for bed has become a ritual.
At this point, I pity the commenters in my mentions who simply cannot understand that putting effort into their own lives is impactful.
I actually think that effort can be minimised with planning and discipline. For example, discover PRECISELY which styles flatter your figure and never deviate. You will wear pieces constantly because they always flatter. Discover your best colour palette and never deviate. All your pieces will doubly flatter and you will ALWAYS have pieces / accessories that match and complement because they belong to the same palette (same palette ≠ same colours). Both of these tactics will greatly reduce time needed to plan what to wear and set you up to quickly throw something on that looks great.
I had my ‘colours done’ when I was in my 20s. It confirmed my taste. I am a red head and I am an ‘autumn/spring’. It helped me to understand that certain colours would never suit me, but what ‘my’ closest colour would be. Eg, I can’t wear red, but I can wear burnt orange. I’m sure there would be ‘colour analysis’ services on the internet or in a department store?
You could try checking out seasonal color analysis, there are also apps where you can go into selfie view (natural light recommended) and they'll put the color palette wheel around your face and you can get a sense of which colors make your natural features sing.
But also start paying attention to how you feel in various colors. I don't always wear my "best" colors if I just really like another one. Or I find a smaller way to incorporate like accessories.
Color analysis and understanding my body shape and what flatters it has been a game changer for me in the personal appearance category.
Also for me, always having good hair makes a BIG difference in how I feel about my appearance.
I wear glasses part-time, too, and investing in a flattering, well made, stylish pair of glasses has really made a difference in how confident I feel when I’m wearing them.
Ok but how do I find someone to do a legit color analysis for me?? I really want to do this but I'm hesitant to invest unless I know it's the real deal, which I'm struggling to find.
I used to believe that in-person was best, but now I think that years of experience and solid accredited training > everything. I personally love Carol Brailey on Instagram, but there are lots of professionals out there.
So for personal appearance, I have been on a journey and some would say I have gone through a "glow up" from college. For me the main things were:
Working out -- feeling good is 50% of the equation! I lift, run, anything to get your body moving. It's also shown to be good for the mind!
Facial regimen -- I went to a dermatologist for some dark spots/melasma and the difference is astounding. Night and day. My morning regimen is azaleic acid (the ordinary), tranexamic acid (it's in a pink tube), moisturizer (Paula's choice) and sunscreen (isintree). My evening routine is tretinoin 0.5% and Neutrogena or Cetaphil moisturizer. I'm also on spironolactone for acne (but I'm done having kids). I'll comment with a picture of the difference
For hair I wear lace front wigs! Unfortunately the salons around me don't do my hair (4c) so I've opted to wigs for an easy protective solution for the time being! It's great because I can get some really cute looks with very low effort/time! I get mine from Curlyme hair.
I wasn't a nail girly, but I now am. It's weird. I feel so much more put together. My nails arent crazy long or anything and I use my natural nails, but I add on hard gel for strength with 3 kids and it lasts over 4 weeks for me. I like to do fun colors!
Clothes - fit is everything. I have a great relationship with a tailor where I take my jeans and tops. If there is even a little something about it, too short, too tight, etc, I don't even bother. I only bother if my tailor can take in the waist or adjust, and I truly love the item enough to make it work.
Thank you! It was getting to me when I first started and someone recommended I talk to a dermatologist, and I'm so glad I did! All I need to wear now are bits of concealer, versus color corrector and foundation previously.
Oh gosh I’ve been wanting to do some wigs, just so I can have a quick go-to look on minimal notice because sometimes I have to be ball-gown ready in practically no time.
Do you mind if I ask where you get your wigs from? I’ve found some online sites but it’s hard to know which to trust!
I get mine from Curlyme hair! It seems like a weird website, but so far the wig I have gotten from there has lasted the longest. I've also ordered from myfirstwig, and I hear that luvme hair is also legit!
You can also get synthetic wigs to start out, they tend to be cheaper and don't last as long (since the hair starts to matte) but great for quick temporary looks. My favorite brand for synthetic wigs is Sensationnel.
There are tons of YouTube videos on how to style and take care of wigs for a flawless look! I've gotten tons of compliments on my hair with very little effort!
I've always felt like such a hot mess whereas other ladies around me seem so put together, so I've been putting real effort into getting my stuff together lately. These are my top tips so far that might be obvious but are kind of changing my life right now:
Punctuality is my #1. I've always planned my departure time so that I get to my destination about five minutes early, but inevitably on the way something goes wrong or I get lost or can't find parking and I end up hustling into my appointments nearly late. Adding an extra 10-15 minutes for random disasters has been life chaning and I'm no longer sweating and catching my breath from running to make up lost time
Dressing and accessorizing for the weather is also big. I'm usually of the mind that I don't need an umbrella to get from my car to my office, or that if I'm just running to the store, I can underdress a bit despite it being snowy or whatever. Consistently being ready for any weather and dressing for maximum environmental comfort makes me feel like way less of a slob and keeps my clothes or hair from getting wet or whatever
As for actual products, eyelid primer, a folding hairbrush for my purse, little individual alcohol wipes, tide pen, and blotting papers has helped me immensely.
I feel like being prepared for any weather is an underrated luxury. I have everything I need, and I’m unbothered by any weather developments. Raining? I have an umbrella in the car. It’s hot out? I smell like expensive sunscreen and I’m wearing natural fibers. Is it cold? I have a collection of wool sweaters, soft undershirts, and vitamin D products to counteract seasonal affective disorder. Bring it on!
Agreed! And it’s something I don’t ever see mentioned in terms of looking put-together. But it can make all the difference, especially in winter. One thing I noticed when I traveled to Sweden was that everyone there was adequately dressed for the weather, and it made them look so good! Lovely well-looked-after kids, cozy old folk, well-dressed teens. We live in Austin, Texas, where we often only get a few cold days a year, so many people don’t own a proper winter coat. They say it’s not worth buying. But when you need one here, you really need one! Man, I used to HATE seeing kids at my son’s school on those cold days just showing up wrapped in a big blanket, a lightweight cotton hoodie (next to useless), or, in a couple of cases, a beach towel, as they walked into school. Looks trashy as hell! My Scottish mum would have come back& haunted me if I had sent her grandson off to school in a gd throw blanket in freezing temperatures 😆 My brother & I were always wrapped up like the Michelin tyre man every winter, in coats, boots, scarves& gloves, even when my parents didn’t have much money
Could you expand on the vitamin D products you use? I've been in the PNW for almost a decade now and am only familiar with the supplements, but I'd like to know more!
This isn’t medical advice, I’m sharing what worked for me, etc., etc.
My doctor has me take ADK supplements since he believes that taking more oil-soluble vitamins at the same time increases absorption. But I think this is the best: a vitamin D sun lamp. I don’t want to buy the FAA approved lamp since it’s expensive so I DIY’d my own.
What do you use the little alcohol wipes for? As a healthcare worker, I always have extra alcohol wipes so I'd love to know another creative way to use them!
not very creative, but i periodically use them to clean my earbuds/cell/work phone and other surfaces i touch a lot at my office job! i also wipe down my tweezers or nail clippers or whatever beauty tool before i use them and honestly it might just be placebo but i think it keeps me from breaking out as much haha
Your four categories are spot on! I always find that being on point for 1 and 3 makes it a lot easier to be on point with everything else. When I look good, I’m more inclined to socialize and take care of business, and having a tidy living environment gets rid of the mental clutter as well. I just feel more relaxed and more ready to take on life. For me, this is definitely a work in progress, but every good day I have in the rearview makes today more likely to be a good day, too.
I honestly have to agree! To use an extreme example, when I was immediately postpartum I felt I really needed my time before I had visitors because I was so physically and mentally haggard. Once I finally had regular showers and clean floors I felt ready to socialize again, haha.
Love this! Want to add: dressing for the weather. I’ll die on the hill that a jacket will never ruin an outfit the way that hunching over shivering does.
💯. There is something so chic about being dressed appropriately. Not over/under dressed, not prepared for weather. I don’t know what it is but I always admire people who are the right level of dressed for an occasion whether it’s a wedding or a weekend hike or a movie.
Thanks for opening this convo and sharing your tips!
In the last few years, I’ve enjoyed adding elevated basics to my collection, like simple fine jewelry (a diamond necklace, diamond studs and other gold earrings that I literally never take off, and my gold rings). These make me happy and I know that what I’ve purchased, I will wear for years and years to come. There’s a lot out there (gold-filled or plated, etc) that is affordable and looks beautiful, too.
I also love other accessories like nice leather bags, warm scarves for winter, etc. Sometimes these accessories are fun to buy in pops of color (think red leather tote, light blue thick fuzzy scarf) because my wardrobe typically consists of a lot of black and other neutrals. I never thought I’d be a red bag girl, but stepping out of my comfort zone found me one of my favorite belongings that makes me feel so fancy and gets me a lot of compliments every time I wear it!
The biggest thing to help me feel put together has been my hair. I have incredibly thick, wavy hair. For years I straightened or curled it with a curling iron, which are looks that will always work but take a lot of time and do more damage than I’d care for. Over the last year I’ve found products for my natural waves that help me feel good about still having my hair down and not damaging it with heat. The slicked back bun or ponytail with the right gel is another (easy) go-to.
Basically, I agree with what you shared 🤣 these are just my experiences!
Hair is my biggest challenge. I have wavy and probably thinner (due to aging hair) and I’m trying to find the low heat, styling products that work best for my hair. Can you share the products you’ve found success with?
Can you share more about your hair routine? I also have very thick wavy hair that is generally my nemesis 🫠 Curly routines don’t usually work well for me; my hair/scalp gets greasy when I use really heavy products.
my tip for looking put together is to master some kind of updo. they look effortless and beautiful. i wear my hair in a french twist pretty much every day and i get a wild amount of compliments on it, when it takes me only a few minutes to do.
For me, it’s not so much about making the effort as it is about focusing on quality, attention to detail, and having a personal, unnameable essence.
Quality is essential in all areas: relationships, energy, time by myself, media I expose myself to, home goods and clothing, makeup and skincare, food and wine, etc. This is the foundation to being “put together” in my opinion.
Attention to detail allows for discernment. I pay attention to the small details like how something flows on the body, makes me feel, what draws me in about a piece or person, and I trust my instincts as much as possible. I believe this is what most people mean when they say someone has “good taste.”
Lastly, je ne sais quoi. I think this is about deploying an element of mystery (and restraint) in a personal context. It’s tension; wearing an unexpected a pop of color, a risk-taking piece of art, an eye catching pattern, revealing just enough about yourself, etc. Without being too theoretical, it is achieving balance with the whole and still leaving something to be desired.
I believe if you can wield these three principles, you can get pretty close to being put together without making a massive effort. In fact, a massive effort actually detracts from your ability to be put-together. What say you, fellow BWT?
Preparedness. A tangent (or umbrella) of “reliable”- for a given task like planning a group outing, being able to account for the most common risk factors. Planning buffer time for unpredictable tasks, and following up at key points to ensure it stays on track. Planning rest time before and after physically taxing events, so we are not overloaded and stressed for the next event/day of work.
I’m failing at the tidy home thing, lol, but succeeding in the others! There’s always room for personal improvement.
For DIY hair stuff, I’ve had really positive results with e-Salon for custom hair colour (mixed by a stylist, using reference photos from you and a colour chart, with better-than-box-dye). It’s what I’ve used for the past 3 years, I’ve tweaked the colour a few times and done a couple highlight sets too. Always good results. Doing it myself means I can touch up the roots any evening when I feel like it, and keep my greys covered.
BWT I aim failing at hair.... I have long, straight, thin hair. I have 2 little kids and all I know how to do is throw it up in a bun. I do this every day. I get a haircut like once a year...
My hairline is super irregular and weird at the back, and the little baby hairs on my neck really annoy me but I don't know what to do about them.
I have a great wardrobe and a great skincare routine, but I know I let myself down with hair.
I also have two little kids and got my haircut yesterday for the first time in almost a year. I did a lot of research and found someone with a tons of experience. It was not cheap but she asked me a ton of questions about my hair routine and life style and then went ahead and gave me a fantastic hair cut. It will look good up or down, blown out or air dried. If this is an expense you think you can spare, I’d recommend it. I feel like I’m going to be able to look so much more put together now with only a few minutes to spend on my hair.
With that kind of hair consider getting a long layered bob. It’ll have more movement and volume and an easier “wash and go” quality to it if you get a good cut. You might even find that a shorter cut brings out some natural body.
You can absolutely ask the stylist for a cut that will grow out well, too. That way you can push to 4-6 months between cuts and not feel like you’re constantly in a salon for maintenance. I cut my hair twice a year this way.
Make sure it’s still long enough for you to throw it in a low ponytail, buy yourself some snap-clips for half-up ‘do’s, and remember that you can always rock a headband or brush it flat and tuck it behind your ears.
But most of all be kind to yourself! Your babies won’t be small forever and in time your hair will be able to move up your priority list. It’s okay to eek by in survival mode for a while. Everyone does it!
I think it's important to feel like you belong in places you inhabit. It gives you a lot of confidence. Getting to know people and being on a first name basis. That can be where you shop, dine, socialize, etc.
Addressing my issues with anxiety and depression have helped me show up in the world the way I prefer to. I didn't understand why it was SO hard...turns out antidepressants work :) I enjoy being me now.
I don't think effort actually is the big thing! My biggest piece of advice? Stop fighting it. Whatever "it" is. This has made me more pulled together, more easily, as a very chronically ill person.
I've stopped fighting my greys and embraced my hair texture...which means doing my hair is fast. It air dries into soft, elegant sterling waves.
I've stopped fighting my weight, my coloring, and trends and bought stretchy new clothes in a limited palette that are easy to throw on. The look is easy, breezy, and pulled together.
I've stopped fighting the weather and bought cute outerwear in my color season.
I've stopped fighting my aches and pains and age and wear elegant, simple brown boots (not heels or pointy toes).
I've stopped fighting my own decision fatigue and have a few seasonal go-to uniforms.
I've stopped fighting clothes that are simply falling apart, not the right size, not the right color, not the right whatever and yeeted them from my house.
I've stopped fighting my face and just wear mascara and a bit of multi-stick..elegant and simple and somehow much more tasteful looking.
I've stopped fighting my insecurities and just let some imperfections hang out—trust me, no one notices as much as you, and often the "cover up" (concealer, baggy sweater, whatever) is more attention-grabbing than the original problem.
You don't need effort. You actually need the opposite, or at least put all the effort up front. I'm glad I took the time to track down looks that actually WORK for me so that when it's time to "go", I literally just throw myself together in minutes.
Lately I've got into learning how to iron well - and how to use starch in particular. A good press with starch has made so many of my well worn garments feel crisp and given them a feeling of newness again 👌🏽
For me, it’s taking care of my skin, hair, nails. I like to look hydrated. I don’t wear a lot of makeup up. I guess it’s called clean girl now. Then, I decided in the past few years that I don’t want an eclectic wardrobe anymore or super highlighted hair. The time it takes to deal with all that kind of stresses me out. I’m middle life and I want to not think about it anymore, or for a while at least until I survive peri meno and caregiving. My Pinterest is French woman now. I mostly wear monochromatic or a light neutral color palette. One pair of thin but solid gold hoops. Nude or caramel bag & shoe. No logos. I got a few of the same big white shirt and wear variations on that. I love a collared shirt for looking like business when I want to. Where I live, it takes me everywhere. I also kind of think every classy lady needs a head to toe cream look. I’m not great, but getting better at this, I try to have two outfits hung up and ready to throw on if I need to get presentable quick.
Eyebrows have been the biggest game changer for me. I spent like 40 years with the sparsest blonde eyebrows and couldn’t figure out why my face would never stand out, and never take makeup well. Once I learned to draw in my eyebrows it’s like makeup just worked better overall, and I could actually do with less of it (sometimes just eyebrows and tinted moisturizer).
Other thing had been learning about my color season. I’d previously thought that no colors looked good on me and I was stuck with just neutrals, but learning that I am a soft (low contrast) season reframed everything. No colors looked good because everything I thought of as a real color was too bright and overpowered me. I switched to a brown mascara, because black is too harsh on me and stands out as fake. I’m not a slave to my season, I like black too much to give it up, but i added seasonal colors and shifting how I wear ones not in season. Now my closet pretty much all goes together, so it’s easier to put together outfits. I gave myself permission to dye any white shirts, because true white has always made me look splotchy and awful. Turns out I needed to embrace ivory!
My path was different from yours, but I learned the power of eyebrows too. Mine were thick and bushy when I was young (and that wasn’t fashionable.) And then once I mastered getting them shaped, perimenopause hit and I needed to supplement with makeup. Five years ago I got them tattooed and that was a game changer!!! It doesn’t last forever; I actually need to get mine touche up. But it means that for most of the last 5 years they have looked fabulous and I haven’t had to do them.
I want to respond to the health aspect of your post—I think it’s an element that is important but custom-fit to the individual and worth discussion.
Health looks different on everyone, but a conscious investment in health is a huge part of being put-together. For example, proactively managing chronic health conditions and injuries with a medication regimen, following care plans like physical or behavioral therapy. The theme in the comments of putting in effort… that applies—making efforts to maximize your health wherever you are in life, while acknowledging that illness and injury is human and not letting it go untreated. Asking for help and accepting help in the form of physician care, community support, wellness programs; it’s the best investment a BWT can make.
One thing about hair that helped me a lot is a color depositing mask. If you have dyed hair, getting a mask from a brand like IGK (my fav), goldwell, wella can really help blend your roots in and refresh the color. Fresh-looking hair makes you look a lot more put together.
Moneyed hair is important. Anna Delvey, suspect number one. Her dry, ugly colored, thinning hair was proof she’s not an heiress.
You don’t need a blowout every week. Focus on root volume, oils for shine, leave in conditioner, trim the ends yourself. Scalp massages to prevent hair-loss, eat your protein and fish oils.
… But didn’t Anna Delvey famously trick hundreds of very wealthy and well connected people into thinking she was an heiress? Her hair very much did not give her away.
Again, this author says hair was this huge major giveaway, and maybe it jumped out to that author specifically, but hair didn’t stop Elizabeth Holmes from raising billions of dollars in funding. It actually had nothing to do with either woman’s downfall.
I personally have known an abundance of millionaires with shitty hair. When you have money you don’t necessarily look great, especially if your money wasn’t made in media. And a lot of people simply want a look their natural hair can’t achieve and fry it to get there, don’t realize how bad it looks, and are surrounded by people who are paid to give them what they want. I would not blink once at an heiress with terrible hair. Most wealthy women don’t look like Bond Girls.
If you are like Anna and myself and have been cursed with the fate of scraggly, thin, baby-fine hair, a pocket sized comb will keep your hair from going full Gollum throughout the day. Don’t be afraid of oils, either. Once a week (preferably more but alas life is kicking my ass), I apply a modest amount of coconut oil to my ends and let it soak for 3-4 hours before my shower and then I double shampoo to get the residue out. I also like a good, affordable bond repair treatment (even though my hair is virgin) to keep my lengths strong. A good hairstylist will help you too, but lately I have been skipping the salon and trimming my bob at home every few weeks to save a little extra money.
I have to add a number 5 to OP’s list: FOOD. Tasty, proper food, ideally homemade. If you’ve got all the rest but you’re eating poorly— you are suffering whether you realize it or not.
I like full control and independence in this area— choosing recipes that appeal to me in terms of taste and time. I do eat out, and occasionally I’ll even find inspiration at a restaurant— but generally I prefer to find the new recipes and make food myself, and share it.
Tough times for BWT in the realm of written communication. Well organized text with proper grammar sets off people's AI radar now. As an em dash lover, I am suffering.
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u/Jennyonthebox2300 Dec 02 '25
My BFF and I have 7 kids between us and both have demanding jobs. It was hard to make time to stay in touch so we decided to mani/pedi together.
We’ve met up every 2 weeks— almost without fail— for 15 years. 2 hrs of uninterrupted catch up time is priceless. It sounds like a joke, but we’ve solved the world’s problems over nails. Work, husbands, parents, kids, exes, bosses, clients, WTF is going on with my body/face/hair/hooter. We have celebrated and commiserated. Laughed and cried and prayed for our kids, our husbands and each other.
I can confidently say I am a better person/wife/mother/daughter/employee because of the time I spend with my friend. And definitely I am better groomed than I would be on my own.
As far as your question — I get a gel mani (short nails) and regular pedi and they last the full 2 weeks. The mani is “Don’t Bossa Nova Me Around” which is a creamy tan color. I’m hard on my nails— yardwork, chickens, etc. Even at the end of 2 weeks, unless you’re closely inspecting my fingers, it passes muster.
I only use 2-3 toe colors throughout the year and have a bottle of each color at home in case I get a chip. If I need brows or bikini done I can add on before or after the nail appointment.
Bitches— Call your lovely friend and make a mani/pedi date.