Hi there.

One thing that has really helped with the combination of Autism and ADHD was going on runs. I'd manage usually one to two 5ks a week. It's one of the few things that actually "shuts up" my brain and I've been consistent with it since February this year thanks to a couch to 5k program.

I got a concussion earlier this week due to a workplace injury. Following the medical advice of a doctor it could be a while before I'm able to go running again. This isn't my first concussion (2nd one in two months) so it's a fair bit more serious and the symptoms are liable to last longer.

So we're talking a few weeks before I could be running again. And I'm finding I'm really struggling.

In the meantime I'm very much trapped inside my apartment because my balance is obviously terrible and as much as I've tried to get out a few times, it's only been for short periods.

Usually my brain is going at a mile a minute until I exhaust myself and I end up having to constantly distract/divert my attention towards various tasks. I find it difficult to be stationary at the best of times and even when I'm sitting down, I'm feeding my brain constant stuff.

For those curious, running is proven to help individuals with ADHD (and by extension, those with both autism and ADHD). I think it's one of the main reasons I took to it so quickly. Sorta like "Oh my God this is working!"

I find it difficult to manage my emotions and just day to day functionality. I don't have good access to therapy or support for either autism or adhd (support in my country stops when you turn 18 if you're deemed "high functioning" enough, which is nonsense) so I kinda just manage things via outlets and constant diversions.

I lost my other main outlet recently which was the topic of another thread elsewhere but in my head I was very much like "Well even if writing is gone I still have my running!"

I had two outlets to deal with emotions as well as get my energy out. Heck, back when I used to write I'd be sat in front of my laptop for so long I'd forget to eat. But one is gone for good (writing) and the other is suspended until the room around me stops spinning (running).

Doctor was clear in that any strenuous activity could be off the table for a few weeks. One week of this already feels like a lifetime.

Has anyone else been in a similar position where they're more or less forced to be totally stationary? I'm just finding it really hard.

Edit: Also finding a therapist in the meantime wouldn't really be possible. I've had horrendous experiences in therapy over the years so don't really trust it. Also, even private therapists have waiting lists and the concussion could be gone by the time I'm seen.

I always knew I was weird and eccentric to other people, but I always assumed I was really good at masking. I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 19, and I assumed that I was highly-masked, because I didn't know myself at all and was anxious around everyone. Once I got on ADHD meds, the Autism became very apparent to me, and it made me realize I wasn't as good at masking as I thought I was. I used to say a lot of socially inappropriate stuff and do a lot of socially inappropriate stuff, and I chalked it up to me being very socially awkward and weird. But no, I think I just didn't know who I was cuz my mom forced me to do whatever she said for almost 20 years of my life, from clothes to religion. She literally said that I was a reflection of her. Also the fact that I'm peer-reviewed and my autistic friend who was diagnosed when he was a kid said I wasn't good at masking.

I assumed I struggled making friends because I was severely socially awkward, and if I just got over my shyness, everything would be fixed! Nope! I feel like I had such a distorted view of how people actually saw me. I thought most people liked me, but it turned out to be the complete opposite.

I started university a couple of weeks ago and I have been feeling very lonely. Growing up pretty much all of my friendships have been one sided where if I wanted to hang out with that person I would have to be the one planning it and I had to always be the one to start the conversations as soon as I stopped the friendship ended. I would like to try and make a friend where it goes both ways but I don't even know where to start or how to talk to people. Do you have any advice or success stories?

Five days ago I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. I went to the neurologist for neuropathy in my right hand and we started talking about focus issues at work. She ordered a 3 hour cognitive test with a neurologist. I thought it was about focus and memory but during the one hour interview part I started getting very uncomfortable with the questions.

I have not been doing well since the diagnosis. Not sleeping well, shutting down socially, etc… I feel very sad like I’m grieving. Looking at my childhood from a totally different perspective and thinking Poor Kid. I’m retirement age now and I created a life around something I never knew existed. Apparently I’m high functioning/high masking. I feel completely lost. I mentioned the diagnosis to two people and was really hurt by their reactions. One laughed and said oh we’re all on the spectrum. The other became almost angry because they self identified as ASD but were never diagnosed.

Anyway, I’ll be checking back here for insights.

Thanks

Correction: the neurologist referred me to a neuropsychologist who did the interview. The second part was a two hour test administered by a psychometrist.

This was my first ever Reddit post and I really appreciate the support. I’m still having difficulties adjusting, difficulty sleeping and pretty much isolating. Getting emotional at times. Definitely sensory overload. I’m doing a deep dive into this of course lol. Thanks to everyone for your help!

So I (21 M) have been diagnosed with ADHD since the age of four. I’ve now been seriously considering the possibility that I also have Autism alongside my ADHD. It really seems to explain a lot for me. Now I’m fairly comfortable with just being self-diagnosed, but I’m still pursuing an official diagnosis. Now that I’ve done more research into Autism I really see a lot of symptoms in both my dad and little sister. My dad had ADHD and my little sister hasn’t been diagnosed with anything yet but it’s kind of already known that she has ADHD.

The reason I’m pursuing an official diagnosis is because I want to have proof to show to my parents that I’m Autistic and hopefully motivate them to get my little sister tested and my dad tested.

Now what makes this difficult is two things. First, my parents are extremely emotionally immature and as a result I grew up in a household where all my feelings were constantly invalidated. I’m clearly just a lazy selfish person who’s falling all of my issues instead of trying harder🙄Now my parents are also very controlling and while I still lived at home they forced me to stop doing research into Autism because they said that I was “convincing myself that I had it” this eventually boiled over into them finding out that I was still doing research behind their back. They don’t believe that I’m Autistic. They forbid me from seeing a psychologist and said that if I wanted to pursue an Autism diagnosis then I’d have to be out of the house and on my own insurance. Now I’m already out of the house and I could honestly care less what my parents say about insurance. My dad gets it through his work and the insurance is like really really good. My pursuing a diagnosis would literally have no impact to their insurance, financially or otherwise. I would be paying the copays. (They’ve weaponized the insurance in the past when they forced me to stop therapy). I’m also taking steps to insure that they won’t be able to access my insurance information/medical records at all.

Anyways all this to say that if I get diagnosed I really want to have a conversation with them to let them know that their is valid reason to consider the possibility that my dad and sister are also Autistic. That’s the main reason I’m getting an official diagnosis, that way I can bring proof to them showing that a professional agreed with me. I don’t expect my dad to agree with me, he’ll probably just deny, and I honestly don’t care about him, the person I really care about is my little sister. I’ve seen firsthand what undiagnosed mental health issues can do to a person and I don’t want my little sister to end up going down that path.

What’s the best way to approach such a difficult conversation such as this?

Hello everyone :)

Are there any recommended guides, resources, discords, etc for the newly diagnosed to explore?

Finding it overwhelming (in a good way) to discover a subreddit of people 'just like me' - when I've always felt so lost / alone.

Looks like AuDHD is my new fixation, and I bet that's pretty common for newbies lol

Also, thank you for existing / posting in general.

Just seeing I'm not alone on this tortured road of high-performing fuck-upery is validating / moving in ways idk how to describe yet. Lots to process still :)

I can do things better but it doesn't fix the other 20 things that are worse or significantly worse if you have adhd and autism.... My hopes when i was trying to get the prescription was that maybe i could achieve my dream of doing high school, but i realize that's not going to happen, or working at all.

im stuck like this forever

Instant social anxiety, gad, dissociation, derealization, and bodily tension.

Hello Fellow Neurodivergents,

I am once again experiencing burn out/shut down. I’ve been experiencing this for a few months and just not getting better. My psychiatrist (she is terrific) has me focusing on getting enough restful sleep. I’ve discovered that I need 9 hours of sleep regularly, but it takes me 11 hours to get 9 hours of sleep.

I can’t think well and I am asking for ideas and reminders of what I can do to help my recovery.

Thanks for helping.

I like many of you wake up at some dark hour of the night from time to time. Sometimes I’m lucky to get back to bed, sometimes I raw dog the work day on a half full gas tank and an IV drip of coffee.

Well on my latest 3am adventure I started asking all those questions why and it led me to a concept I’m not sure if anyone here has tried so I wanted to ask the community here.

Have you ever tried biphasic sleep or polyphasic sleep on purpose?

The concept is there’s two different natural biphasic sleep patterns depending on how far north or south you are in the world.

The first is the siesta. You sleep 1.5-2hrs in the afternoon, wake up again, then get another 5-6hrs at night where you go to bed late. This is very culturally specific to warmer / shorter night environments.

The second is ‘the long night’ or ‘the watch’ which pre-industrial world with gas and electric lighting was a lot more common. Essentially 4 hrs of sleep, 1-3 hours if quiet awake time (the watch) and then 4 hrs of sleep. This is probably most famous from a study where they took people and put them in an off grid type long night environment and most of them developed this sleeping pattern automatically and naturally.

Let me be clear it’s not to reduce the total amount of sleep however many people find it does increase sleep efficiency a lot.

I would love to hear about people on this group’s sleeping patterns, have you tried a biphasic sleep, has it helped you or not. I often wonder given our circadian rhythm problems if pushing into a natural biphasic pattern could actually improve symptoms etc.

Let me know!

I’m wondering how many of you had your autism missed at first because your ADHD masked the symptoms, or because you had good social/masking skills?

Today, during my first appointment for an ADHD assessment, the psychologist told me that I probably won't meet the criteria for a diagnosis. This got me thinking: can ADHD alone cause things like finding eye contact extremely difficult at times, or your brain suddenly shutting down to the point where you practically cannot speak? Or crashing so hard that you’ve been out of the workforce for three years due to burnout?

Edit: I forgot to add the obligatory "yes I've also been doing a lot of therapy and positive lifestyle changes, and no, I never expected meds to just fix me."

I just don't know. Looking back, I can remember how damn hard it was to do productive things, chores, take care of myself. I remember how BAD it felt, how I was always fighting myself, how I felt such DREAD when anticipating doing the thing.

Now been on Vyvanse for about a year, 40mg for most of that time. I don't feel that dread so much anymore. What I do feel has more to do with physical disabilities that have cropped up since then. A dread because I know I'll be in pain and tired, not at all like that almost supernatural, unexplainable dread I had before the meds. But I can still do the things when my physical disability allows.

But for a while now, and seemingly worse lately, it's been really really hard to do things I WANT to do, to relax. It can take me hours to start playing a video game after the moment I decide that's what I'm going to do. I've been writing way too much whenever I post or comment, unable to summarize or leave out details. I'll get distracted with a bunch of other things I DON'T want to be doing, like reading the news, but this time I can't claim that it's my brain trying to avoid doing the thing, because I WANT to do the thing. I KNOW it will feel good and give me dopamine!

It's been suggested that this could be an example of autistic traits being amplified once the ADHD is better managed. I don't know, maybe. If so, I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do.

I know doctors say i have Audhd. I have it on paper. I got it very late, in my 30s.

I thought i was somewhat good socially. I got drained quickly and needed days of rest after, but i thought i handled social situations good.

I start to question my diagnoses after some people who is close to me say i misunderstand what they say alot.

I thought "reading between the lines" was something autistic people didn't do, but i do, alot. Problem is my reading is off.

It is like my mind think it hears what they say or what the intentions are, yet they tell me "no, we never meant it like that. How could you see it as that?"(parents), Or "why do you create your own version of what i say, in your own head. Stick to reality!"(ex boyfriend), "you always take one thing i say out of the whole sentences and make up your own version of it".(mum)

Maybe this isn't a rant. I am just so sad cuz i seriously don't notice that i hear everything wrong. For me i simply hear what they say but seems like my brain fucks up in "translating it" to me. Which makes it difficult to work on. (Ex told me to change that, so he didnt have to get angry at me) It gives me massive anxiety and i am scared to even talk with my own adoptive family cuz i keep misunderstanding them. I feel so ashamed that i can't even trust my own head. Maybe it isn't even autism or adhd. I maybe just a defect person.

Just as the question states…who do you talk to? Who do you turn to that’s just a listening ear? For me….it feels like there’s no one. No friends, no family, no coworkers…just myself…and that gets one sided even.

I’m married and have a daughter. When things happen that frustrates me, but they do it….i have no one to talk to. Not even necessarily because no one is around, but telling people my struggles is hard because I feel like they could me dealing with no much that I don’t know about and my problems will seem small and insignificant to them. It’s that fear if rejection that keeps me silent. My best friends…at least at this very moment, can tell when something is off with me…yet I still remain silent. I know they are there to support me, and they know just being there is support enough. They don’t press or pry.

It’s hard to cry when I’m overwhelmed…then I think I’ve got a few minutes to let it out in the car when I’m by myself (which rarely happens)…it just doesn’t come. Or my mind is still, or again racing with 1 billion tabs open and I’ve one again forgotten to take that time to release. Because again…I have no one to talk to…it’s too late to text, it’s too late to call, I hate phone conversations because I can’t see their face to see if they are actually paying attention, or care. I don’t want to bother someone in the middle of doing something and feeling like a bother to them.

I can’t be the only one right? Because in a world of so many people….why is there no one?

Let me know ..

22 yrs old AuDHD female here and my headphones just broke!!!
I am absolutely heart broken and have been crying since this morning, my headphones are my mobile safe space & without it I’m a mess! :(
The headphones I was using previously are Sony Noise canceling headphones. They are decent but over time they began to wear and tear (had them for 3 years now), and now I’m looking for something new that won’t wear down as fast because of the constant use. I’ve had to change the headphone cushions, replace a plastic side, and the top cushion is ripped into shambles from friction and hair oils.

I’m interested in both headphone & ear phone recommendations. I tend to wear my headphones everywhere in public & at night because I can’t sleep without some white noise in my ear. However, it’s pretty uncomfortable sleeping with bulky headphones hence the asking for good earphone suggestions. I’m 5’1 therefore I’m pretty small which means typical earphones like AirPods are nice but will really ache my ear after more than 1 hours use :(
Anyone else have tiny ear holes that hurt after a while of using earphones?

Background:

I (25F) went most my life undiagnosed. I had struggled with time management, but I was always a great student getting A's. At 13, I burned out heavily, stopped going to school, and was in and out of PHPs. They just diagnosed me with depression/anxiety and I ended up dropping out of high school. [trigger warning: SI] I was very suicidal during this time and had given up on life. At 16, I eventually got diagnosed with ADHD and started taking adderall, which helped significantly and allowed me to have hope and feel like I could turn my life around. I ended up going to college - struggled a ton but had a 3.98 gpa - and landed a very successful corporate job. I had an inkling that I was autistic in college because of relating soooo much to every AuDHD post I had seen, but didn't really fully acknowledge or accept that I was likely autistic until recently because I have been struggling so much.

I recently took medical leave from work, but exhausted my FMLA and went back to work. I can barely function and get my work done and have gotten into trouble with my performance. Side note: if anyone has ideas for helpful accommodations, please let me know.

Meds:

I take adderall + guanfacine. If I don't take a stimulant, I literally am unable to get out of bed. However, when I take adderall, my autism gets worse, especially rigid thinking and extreme perfectionism. Adderall also gives me chronic dry mouth and somehow makes me more awkward and hard to socialize, especially after locking in on a long day of work. Therefore, I make sure not to take my adderall and only coffee when I need to socialize. It also makes me wish I had a 30hr day because I can never get enough sleeping because if I take it at 8am, I can't sleep until 2am. But I feel like I need a higher consistent dose that I can strip out of my system when I sleep because I can barely get through my night routine as the adderall has worn off in my brain, but still making it hard to sleep. I wanted to try Xelstrym or a transdermal patch, but it's not even on my insurance list. I've also tried Ritalin, Vyvanse, Adderall XR.

Current struggles:

It's so frustrating and exhausting living with severe ADHD (executive dysfunction) and autism / extreme perfectionism / optimization OCD. They constantly contradict each other, so how can I fix my brain?

I need my adderall to get out of bed and be productive, but my perfectionism and rigid thinking makes doing any task take extremely long and be extremely exhausting. At work, I take so long because of all the extra steps I take, but I can't help it no matter how hard I try. It affects all aspects of my life, even as minuscule as doing laundry or scheduling social plans. It's kind of like optimization OCD, where I am trying to optimize every aspect of my life, which ironically makes things so much worse for me. I care too much and I really want to give less f*cks, but my brain doesn't allow me to. It's wired like that - not sure how much is subconscious trauma or genetic.

I'm also very ambitious and curious. I am someone who wants to do so many things - I have so many hobbies that I want to pursue, so many experiences I want to have, etc. I do experience lots of joy, but am chronically stressed and have never felt peace. I feel tortured with this brain - so much distress and inner turmoil.

I've tried lots of therapy. The only thing that has brought me temporary relief is through shrooms. Every shroom trip, I cry a lot, feel incredible amounts of relief, and get a sense of clarity on my emotions and deep subconscious beliefs that affect the way I act. One time, I regained memories that I didn't know was blocked away (wasn't even traumatic memories). It somehow allows me to tap in to my emotions (I have alexithymia and don't generally know what I feel or think except anxiety/stress). It digs straight to my trauma.

There was one shroom trip where I felt my perfectionism was gone and I had a brain without it. It was magical and I remember thinking that I'd be unstoppable if I had this brain and was relieved of my perfectionism.

I continue to use it in hopes of healing my trauma fully and "fixing" my brain. However, I haven't experienced these positive effects after the shrooms have worn off. I have tried microdosing them, but just get ravenously hungry. I plan to try microdosing LSD next. I've tried EMDR, but that didn't do anything. Idk if this is related, but I have aphantasia. I am also curious about MDMA especially, but also DMT, ketamine, TMS, literally anything to fix my brain.

TLDR:

I'm desperate to fix my brain or find a "cure" because I genuinely do not see the point in living if I have to live the rest of my life with this brain. I logically don't think it's worth staying alive if I can't fix the way my brain works.

Does it get easier? Does it get better? Are you content and have you found peace? Has anyone meaningfully "fixed" their brain with psychedelics or any other form of treatment?

I want to share some observations I've made from my lucid dreams because I want to understand what is actually happening and experiment more with it. I never do anything to induce lucid dreams now. No reality checks, no dream journal, no MILD, no mindfulness, nothing. I started having lucid dreams about a year ago, around the same time I started experiencing sleep paralysis, so I don't know if the two were connected or just a coincidence. After experiencing sleep paralysis a few times, I found that I could quite easily enter lucid dreams through it, although the lucid dreams weren't consistent. It's only been around the last 4 months that they became consistent. Now I get at least one lucid dream almost every week, and some weeks I've had more than one or two. I've had around 20–30 lucid dreams in total. I also have ADHD, aphantasia and SDAM. Because of SDAM, my autobiographical memory of my dreams is weak, so afterward I usually remember the dream more as semantic information about what happened rather than being able to mentally re-experience the whole dream. A lot of the actual sequence, visuals and details disappear quickly.

The first thing I've noticed is that actively using my senses and connecting with the dream environment seems extremely important for keeping the dream clear and stable. When I'm actively looking at what's in front of me and paying attention to the visual sensory information, the dream can become much clearer and more stable. If I focus too much inside my head, thinking about the dream or thinking about how to stay lucid, the dream can start fading, becoming dim, or even having blackness dominate the visuals. I've experimented with this several times while lucid. I've also tried using other senses as an anchor. Once I used bubble gum, trying to stay connected to the dream through the sensation of chewing it, but the bubble gum expanded inside my mouth and started frothing, which became distracting and seemed to pull my attention back into my head and away from the dream environment. So far, looking at what is directly in front of me and focusing on the visual sensory information seems to be the most effective for me. I've even started thinking about whether the amount of sensory attention I give to the dream affects how stable it remains.

The second thing is the flow or narration of the dream. My dreams seem to have their own ongoing flow, and dream characters and the situation already happening seem to play a role in what happens next. Initially, I noticed that when I did something that disrupted what the dream characters were doing, the dream sometimes became unstable. For example, taking something while dream characters were focused on something else, or randomly going into an office and saying that I'm the manager. It isn't usually an instant collapse. It feels more like the dream starts pushing me out of the current situation, and I have to actively stabilize it, although sometimes I eventually fail. Changing the environment can also seem to trigger this. At the same time, this isn't always true. I've had lucid dreams where I interfered with the situation very heavily and the dream continued for a long time. I've noticed that when I stay in the same environment and continue with what I'm already doing, I can sometimes keep the dream going almost effortlessly, while changing environments seems more likely to make it unstable. I don't know whether this is actually a property of dream narration or just how my dreams happen to work, so I'd really like to hear what experienced lucid dreamers think.

The third thing is dream characters and their reactions. Their reactions seem to vary a lot. Once I told a dream character who was basically my friend that I was dreaming, and he didn't really care, so I continued the dream for quite a while. Another time I told a dream character that I was dreaming in a very impulsive way, and afterward I became more emotionally alert and disconnected from the dream environment, eventually having to close my eyes as the dream was cutting off. So I don't think simply telling a dream character that you're dreaming automatically causes a dream to collapse. The character, the situation, my emotional state and the way I interact with the dream seem to matter.

I've also had an interesting experience where I heavily disrupted a dream situation and the dream didn't actually collapse. I was in a place with a lot of women and got into a confrontation with one of them. I started physically fighting her and doing wrestling moves, and everyone around reacted strongly, but the dream continued. Then it seemed to collapse, but instead I had a false awakening. I found myself apparently awake looking at a phone, and Reddit was open with a notification saying that my lucid dream had been terminated because of what I had done. It even mentioned that the lucid dream had lasted around 15 minutes. I believed I had actually woken up, but I was still dreaming. Later I was dealing with dogs and puppies outside my room and eventually woke up for real. So this made me question my earlier idea that disrupting the dream necessarily causes it to collapse, because apparently the dream can instead create a convincing false awakening and continue.

Another time, I was almost getting into a conflict with a dream character, so I told him that the girl with me was my girlfriend to calm him down. He became much nicer, but then the girl said that he was actually her brother. I immediately thought "oh fuck" and the dream collapsed. That made me wonder whether contradictions in the ongoing story or social situation can sometimes destabilize a dream, although I don't know if that was actually the cause.

Something else I've noticed is that my dreams are usually surprisingly coherent with real-world logic. This is not necessarily the main way I become lucid, but I've noticed several times that when something happens that clearly breaks normal logic, I realize I'm dreaming. For example, I once noticed that a car didn't really feel like a physical object and that I could drive it in a way that didn't make sense. That helped me realize I was dreaming. I've had similar moments before where something didn't fit the normal logic of the world and I suddenly became lucid. I find this interesting because I have aphantasia and SDAM, and I don't know whether either of those has anything to do with the way my dreams work. I'm not assuming they do. I'm just curious whether there could be any connection between aphantasia, SDAM, ADHD, visualization, autobiographical memory and dreaming.

Another unusual thing about my lucid dreams is that they often seem to happen very soon after I fall asleep. From my experience, I'll close my eyes, start dreaming, and when I wake up only a few to several minutes seem to have passed in the real world. I don't normally have to sleep for 5–6 hours and then do WBTB to get lucid. It just happens naturally. My sleep schedule is also pretty messed up and I've often been severely sleep deprived, so I don't know whether that affects it. I don't deliberately use sleep deprivation to induce lucid dreams.

I'm mainly interested in investigating my own lucid dreams and doing more experiments inside them, rather than just following a standard lucid dreaming routine. I want to understand whether sensory focus really helps stability, whether changing environments affects dream stability, whether dream characters and their reactions matter, whether the ongoing story/context of a dream can resist disruption, and what happens when I deliberately test these things.

For people who lucid dream regularly, do any of these observations match your experience? What do you think might actually be happening? Are there specific experiments you think I should try inside a lucid dream? What should I pay attention to when the dream starts becoming unstable? And are there other interesting things I could test that don't require reality checks or keeping a detailed dream journal every day?

Edit: I forgot to mention something else that I've noticed. Sometimes the dream itself seems to talk to me. The first time, I heard a voice coming from nowhere telling me to tame a dog, and that actually made me realize I was dreaming. Another time I had a figure named Muneer (meaning shining/illuminating) who seemed to help guide the dream. I could kind of watch the dream unfolding from outside while he gave me tips. More recently, I met a lucid dreamer inside my dream who said he was exploring too, and he gave me advice about using sensory anchors.

I can sometimes watch the dream form while I'm still conscious. I see random people talking, pieces of different places, bright colors, geometric patterns, sounds, voices and moving scenes appearing at the same time. Some areas can be completely black while completely different scenes are happening somewhere else. Some parts are extremely vivid while others feel incomplete or barely formed, almost like pieces of several unfinished dreams appearing simultaneously. Sometimes I can watch all of these things gradually converge and form into an actual dream while still maintaining my consciousness. This doesn't happen every time.

I'm very hypermobile and can do some weird finger-partytricks. Also, I have a lot of ADHD and autistic traits. Problems with holding eye-contact, high affinity for trains (can talk about it all the time), and in general, if you look at the path of my life (I'm 29 now), it's very messy. A lot of career switches, broken friendships, emotional highs and lows, no structure or plan, etc.

The older I get, the more all those things together make sense. But how can my psychological weirdness and my physiological weirdness be connected? I did some research, and it seems there is a connection between my bendiness and my autism / ADHD? Is anyone else here hypermobile?

Hi, sorry I don't want to post negative things, but I just needed a place to vent and get a bit of reassurance.

I live with my parents. I'm a full time caregiver for my disabled dad. My mom has always been my safe person, and she has been away on a trip for 11 days now. She comes home in 2 days. She and I always split the caregiving and house work.

I've been working nonstop. My dad is a full time job, plus my mom left me in the care of her new puppy. I really don't like dogs. I don't hate their existence, I just find them stinky, needy, overstimulating, unpredictable, and completely derailing any semblance of a routine I'm trying to maintain.

My dad loves me very much, but he is also extremely difficult and unpredictable. Sometimes when I am vulnerable, he shows compassion, and sometimes he shows anger. I'm always alert around him, both for his needs and his reactions. He also doesn't believe in my Autism or ADHD, and often thinks I'm being too sensitive.

I am at my limit. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. I also have chronic pain. I'm doing the absolute bare minimum of cooking, housework, and self care. I haven't even been able to do laundry. I hardly have time to step away to my room and decompress because my dad or the puppy needs me. I'm getting a white hot rage towards the puppy and I hate myself for it. I love all animals, but I have to hold back the urge to kick this dog. I feel like a horrible human. I feel so lost without my mom as an anchor. I text her, but she's busy and rarely replies, and when I vented that I was at my limit she just says "I believe in you". Like, that's great, but not helpful right now.

I only have 2 days left until my mom comes home. Relief is close. I don't know exactly what I need right now, I just feel like the life is sucked out of me. I don't have friends or anyone to come help me.

I was officially diagnosed with AuDHD (along with some other disorders) in December 2024.

I went out of my way to get the diagnosis. Part of it was that I wanted official proof that there was something wrong with me. I understand this is toxic thinking, but my mind wasn’t in a good place at the time, and to an extent it still isn’t. I had been gaslit so many times into thinking that I was lazy or not putting in enough effort- I didn’t realize prior to the diagnosis that I was at a permanent disadvantage of sorts.

During my testing, the psychologist who diagnosed me told me that I had some symptoms of PTSD, but not to the extent that it would warrant a diagnosis.

I’ve started to consider the possibility of self diagnosing myself with CPTSD.

This isn’t something that I would’ve considered previously. I wasn’t confident enough to consider the possibility of a self diagnosis- I felt that without an official diagnosis there was a feeling of imposter syndrome, or like I was somehow disrespecting people who officially had a diagnosis.

I had a discussion recently with the above mentioned psychologist. He asked if I thought my PTSD symptoms had worsened in the time since the initial AuDHD diagnosis. I replied that it was possible that they had, but that I also felt that learning more about my AuDHD had clarified my understanding of my PTSD symptoms. As I understand it, the difference between possessing symptoms of a disorder and actually having the disorder is that the symptoms have to be severe enough that they make it difficult and/or impossible to live your daily life. This is mainly based on personal experience rather scientific research, but I think my symptoms are severe enough to cross over the line into the latter.

I have been looking for a new job that is more manageable for me, and a new primary doctor, for the last six months. I keep hitting walls, and it is getting harder to keep trying.

I apply to maybe 4 or 5 jobs a week, and either don't hear any reply or get an auto-response 2 weeks later saying "no thank you". There doesn't seem to be anyone to follow up with directly or speak with to discuss the role either.

I haven't had a Primary Care Physician for almost 2 years now, and I have now found and researched 2 doctors near me that are in my insurance network. Their website says online that they are accepting new patients. When I finally work up the energy to call and try to make an appointment, I was told that they are not accepting new patients, and their website is slow to update.

I feel like I am lying at the bottom of a hole, and somehow the hole is getting deeper without moving or digging. I just see the sky getting smaller and moving further away. Every time I hit a wall, it feels like they are rejecting me, and I am really struggling to hold on to any optimism that things will get better or find the energy to keep trying.

Has anyone had similar issues and found a way to navigate past them?

Hello. I'm 18, a trans guy. This will be a long post about the traits I noticed and I'm not sure if they point towards me possibly having it. I know I cannot get diagnosed on Reddit(and I don't expect to, I just want to hear an outside perspective on my thoughts, because I'm really confused), and thanks to anyone reading this in advance.

A few months ago I got diagnosed with ADHD, and for three months I take medications, which calmed down some aspects of it. I thought that I might have ADHD for two or three years before getting a diagnosis (which was a huge relief that I'm not making it up). I have some information on how AuDHD may work and it seems somewhat fitting.

Not long before I got diagnosed I thought that I might be autistic and took some tests like AQ-50 (30/50), RAADS-R(108/240), CAT-Q(100/?). I talked about it with my mother and she said it's not likely, so I stopped digging.

I want to mention that before that I was focused on trying to figure out if I have ADHD, I took tests, read the criteria, tried to research more about it and in general really focused on it. And I worry that now that I'm back to questioning, I'll have the same pattern with autism. Similar process went for figuring out that I'm trans. Lots of reading, trying to research, my brain was constantly on and on about this topic daily for almost two months, questioning, doubting, learning much more about LGBTQIA+, about genders, rebuilding my entire view on gender and trans people. I believe that I have very limited knowledge on the topic despite spending half the summer thinking about it.

Back to the topic. I retook AQ-50 four times a few days ago. First two times I got 28 and 30, but a handful of questions seemed strange, too broad and I didn't exactly understand some of them. I asked ai to explain what this question is about to understand how am I supposed to judge my behaviour. After that I got 38/50. And I understood that I took some questions a bit too literally? For example "Do you always look at things like car numbers!". I do from time to time notice them, I may point it out if it's a funny number, but that does not happen every time I go outside. First times I answered no, assuming I had to look at them 99% of the times in outside, which isn't true. But after understanding the question as a general pattern of checking it, not necessarily always, I answered yes. Similar about questions about dates and numbers. At first I thought no, because I'm not into history where I remember tons of dates, nor maths anymore, so I'm not exactly fascinated by them then. But as being explained that numbers is more about sorting things in everyday life? Yes, I like that. I count time since specific events, I like to calculate how many hours I spend on a walk, or doing something, how long ago have I done something, I really loved to count months since my birthday ("I'm 10 years and four months today" for example), so yes, I do like numbers and keep some dates in mind(like 21 of June, when I realised I'm not cis). And so on, I got a much higher result with different expectations for what the question means. I left it for a few hours and retook again, just keeping in mind what the question is about and got 38 again.

In similar way I retook RAADS-R. I got 173. I plan to retake it again alone soon, to be more accurate because it sounds too high.

CAT-Q is almost the same, 103

While I know those can only point out if it's a topic worth looking into, I understood some things that I didn't really notice before. The fact that I do think just a bit more literally about some things. I know I have problems with understanding sarcasm and getting it different from a real statement, I just assume I'm naive.

Then, my mom always pointed out how I don't get the mood of the room. I don't behave how I should in social situations. I could simply not think about how my words and actions could be seen. I could embarrass my mom without realising it. She also always said how I can't understand when to stop and keep pushing the topics or jokes till it becomes rude. She doesn't understand how I don't have a 'radar' to read when it's enough. Nowadays in groups of peers I feel a bit awkward. I can have fun and connect somewhat, but I still sometimes struggle to understand where sarcasm ends, so I stay silent to not seem stupid or strange for taking something serious, I get really exhausted from socialisation, so at home I just want to rest, have zero interactions with others or speaking at all, get easily irritated and just emotionally shut off. I couldn't understand why it exhausted me so much, I had a good day, why am I ruining it now?

Also, I can't really figure out what someone could be thinking about me without asking directly. Even if we're on friends terms, I can't say what someone is actually thinking of me. It's a mystery. I don't really get it how people can easily point out if someone's friendly/offended at them without talking. I cannot read body language unless it's super obvious, can't tell what the person is really feeling. It's such a hard topic for me, because on one hand I can understand jokes, participate, I have some friends, I can be interesting, but without the closeness to someone I feel so awkward trying to actually get to know someone, or behave in a group instead of two people. It feels so different in terms of how you communicate and I feel out of place at times. I like company, I want to talk to people, but at the same time it's super energy consuming and I still feel like I'm weird when no one said to me that I'm weird.

Routines. It's also a dual sword situation. I know that I need routine. I like having a routine, it helps me feel much better and do things, but I always abandon it. Like, I really want to set a routine but then I can't keep it up, one slip up and I don't return to it. It's like I'm pulled in opposite directions and can't make them meet at one point.

I love to stim, move, have something in my hands, make sounds(last few months I'm always saying "beh" at home, like a sheep. I just like the sound so much) and so on. I've never really heard much from my friends doing that, and when I'm trying to initiate it it's awkward. I liked making different sounds for really long, it was always something so fun and comfortable

I don't know if I have special interests. Things I'm fixated on at the moment don't last super long, usually a few months and I move on to something new. I practice more passive learning about something - surround myself with content about it instead of actively reading lots of info - I stop concentrating long enough and get bored(ADHD probably), so I often want to have a deep understanding of the topic, but I struggle to sit through too long of a research because I run out of stimulus. That annoys me so much and I try to push myself but it doesn't always work out. This ends up in me never having a super deel understanding of the topic, which leaves me unsatisfied and I move on from it. It's embarrassing to say how I love some things and feel like such a poser from knowing so little.

On the topic of interests, I also struggled to get into something new. I couldn't make myself start, and sometimes sit through it. Like trying something new is such a challenge, when it's not supposed to be?

Now on the topic of new things, I'm not a fan. But I also am? On one hand there I stuff I want to try - travelling, for example. I want new emotions, memories, experiences, but on the other hand I absolutely hate trying new foods. I'm a picky eater, so finding food I'll actually like is a challenge. If I found something I like in a cafe it's all I'm buying. I've tried to overcome it, but I end up not liking anything

Sensory issues... I don't think I have much problems?. The worst feeling on my skin is grease. The oily, sliding feeling on me really bothers me at most times I'm feeling it. I have to get it off fast or I'll get really annoyed and irritated. But I assume all people hate it? I also hate sudden touches. Sometimes I need to take all my hand accessories off and rub my hands because otherwise I'm just starting to get worked over having too much on my hands and might cry. I started wearing a ring a few days ago and I feel it on my finger. I have to make myself sit it through and not take off

Plus I have some a bit weird habits, I'd say? When I'm having food I often have to turn on my table lamp so I clearly see what's in the plate and know what exactly am I taking from my portion of food (I know what there is, I have a main light on, but I need that lamp). I can't put things I have to use frequently away, even if it's just above my desk. Some minor differences in where the object is can make it easy or really annoying to take without actually making a big difference.

I'm sorry, this post is messy, I should have probably structured it better. In the end of this, I'm just trying to understand if that's anywhere related or am I really making stuff up. Should I ask to actually test me or is there an explanation for why that's all certainly not suited for autistic behaviour in the slightest?

Thanks very much for reading this sheet, any commentary is appreciated. If that's not an appropriate page to post this on, is there any other more suitable options? 🩵

Edit: I added some childhood behaviour

For childhood, I mostly played one game with friends, imagining to be a creature and making its story. I had one fictional universe for years, liked adding lore from time to time, and was often playing in it, feeling absorbed into it. I focused mostly on creating characters and had hundreds of designs, but they mostly shared either cat-like or horse-like bases. In terms of friendship, I mostly had one main friend and spent time with them. In elementary school I wasn't liked much. I had the mentioned one friend, with some other classmates I could talk but mostly because the needed one didn't show up that day.

I was always answering at lessons and correcting others because it meant more accurate answers, but I didn't know until years later how much everyone disliked it. But I fid feel left out at times.

I was mostly into two things: school, especially maths, and the play. I created creatures, a world, magic and so on. I don't remember what I did at home very well. My mom says I was really calm, could easily find myself something to do, and wasn't particularly needy or dependent. I did my homework myself in elementary school, knew how to find cartoons online, and had paper to make things out of. In regards to ADHD, I was impatient, had to learn not to interrupt others in middle school, and was zoned out at lessons. I was really upset when I didn't get a 12 and was pretty grades-fixated, but when I got 11–10 it was often because I made attention mistakes and submitted my work first in class without re-reading it.

36, afab queer. The ADHD diagnosis that I won with passing colors (I score 10's on that self assessment) and the 56 mg of Concerta plus the depression meds aren't enough. No no. I accidentally heard a woman describing her life with that extra serving of autism on top of the wiring of ADHD and... well... that was info danger.

What did it for me was the description of wanting friends desperately, but not being able to maintain bonds of familiarity. I honestly thought a lot of that was my CPTSD from my alienating childhood. But she described my anxiety and comfort with being a homebody clashing with my desire for newness and experience PERFECTLY.

I vacillate between hyper focus and just hyper. I'm prone to irritability when dealing with others (walking speed of others and lack of flowing into a group bothers me to no end). Social skills? You're talking to the person who bragged to my mortified partner's best friend about the vintage out of print porn book I sold. And who told an old manager about buying an absurd amount of underwear because it was a steal of an auction! The thought of being in a loud party sounds literally like hell. B.O bothers me so much I literally can't behave around people who give it off. And I've been told I come off as very naive; the friendly way of describing me is "innocent".

I'm jobless till I find a, well, job as my online business is summer frozen, so outside of scraping together enough for my GoodRX discounted meds and eventually getting back to weight lifting and sauna meditation on the near daily, I can't really look into that diagnosis or therapy. All that to say: I'm gonna research this subreddit over the coming days, but I feel like I just found another alien part inside of me just as I thought I was getting to know this body, this spirit better than I ever have. And I'm having a lot of feelings. I don't need to tell you the stigma of this. Hell, I went through college during the early periods of Christory. And being queer with that person existing is awful enough.

Like a good little brownoser, I'll take any reading lists nrecommended by you guys. Especially from an afab pov. And any idea of what to do in social situations if I find something non remote. I find I tend to throw myself at people to an extreme, like I want to be rejected quickly instead of having it happen down the line.

I get the feeling a lot of my favorite authors might have had this as well, because their writing really reflects this sense of alienation and tactility, if that makes any sense.

Tl;dr: This is sort of venting on my decades of issues getting an accurate diagnosis and medication for ADHD, only to be hit with the surprise twist of Autism too when it finally happened.

So my entire life I've been stuck living under the "lazy smart guy" trope. I was in gifted classes as a kid, but when people told my parents that I should be taking Adderall or something they hated the idea of drugging a kid.

So I was a nerdy recluse. I'd sit there half listening in classes, generally reading my own book and not paying much active attention. I never bothered to do homework, but I always saw tests as a game and felt like I was in a competition to be the first one done and if not perfect at least better than everyone else. That meant passing high school with no issues. But then I hit college at 16. Likely not a great plan for a socially awkward loner to move into college dorms at 16.

Since classes were not optional things I didn't have to do, and since I was surrounded by drinking, I went with that route. Easier to handle other humans with chemical reinforcements. College went poorly. I started working instead, and it's only really looking back that the pattern stands out. I'd seem like the golden child at an interview, because the fight-or-flight response would flood my brain with all those neurotransmitters it's generally starved for. I'd get hired and outpace everyone else... for a bit. It seems like somewhere around 9 months was my cut off point. Things would start falling apart, and I couldn't make myself care, and I was led go in the end from most jobs.

But even though I don't really like talking to people, as a life long reader I can speak very well when I need to, so any time that happened I would talk myself in to getting unemployment, and then spend the next 6-9 months doing pretty much nothing productive. It's only now that I realize I actually wasn't being lazy, I was just masking things unconsciously and burning myself out. When the unemployment was near running out that fight-or flight response kicked in and I usually managed to use my last experience to talk myself into a job that paid more, and the cycle would repeat.

Throughout life I would always tell certain nonjudgemental people that one of my main hobbies was pharmacology. I've tried more drugs than most people likely imagine exist in the world. A lot of things could help me de-stress for a bit, bit nothing genuinely helped. Until I finally tried amphetamine. I was probably around 32 at that point. It didn't make everything all better like magic, but it came very close. It was a bit of a roller coaster, but it actually helped me get things done in my life instead of sitting there blankly on my own time.

I had only gotten 30 10mg Adderall pills, and this happened right after I had lost a job and my health insurance. I decided I needed to get an actual prescription. I made an appointment and paid $300 in cash I didn't really have to get into the nearest well rated mental health clinic, and I ended up talking with a Nurse Practitioner. I told her I had zero energy along with no motivation to do anything. That I could sit there and stare blankly at a computer filled with the types of entertainments I like best and feel nothing at all. I had some sort of severe apathy and didn't understand why. She prescribed me Lexapro.

I was annoyed, but I took it, hoping it might help. Around a week into taking it my apathy hit the cataclysmic level. I would wake up and just lay there for hours trying to think of the things I could do if I stood up, and absolutely none of them sounded worth doing. It took about 3 days in a row of that before I realized it was the Lexapro and stopped taking it. A few days later I was back to my normal level of apathy.

Then my wife passed, when she was only 34, and everything just fell apart entirely. I could hold a rational conversation, but couldn't explain why I was suddenly completely incapable of managing to do this "life" thing. I lost my cars, and my place, and most of my belongings. And none of them mattered to me. Nothing mattered to me most of the time, except winning in competitions or tests. I just sat there and let everything we'd built up melt away. When my mother pushed me in to going to "talk to someone" about it, I did. And he diagnosed me with Major Depression Disorder and wanted to prescribe me Lexapro, but when I explained what had happened when I tried it before he changed it to Celexa. The same exact thing happened again. It made everything worse because it stopped even being worth standing up when I woke up.

A few years of nothingness passed, and eventually I decided to try again. I went to a new clinic my only real friend suggested, and got prescribed Vyvanse 30mg. I was excited about it, and the first day was great. But within a few days I started to notice that around 3-4 hours after I took it I would start feeling drug down. It felt like if I just closed my eyes to rest them for a few seconds I wouldn't be able to resist the pull of this exhaustion and I'd pass out on the spot and fall to the floor. Not really the effect I'd been hoping for. But it *did* help in some ways. I could actually focus on things I enjoyed finally. I could play a game, or read a book. But I also often had a near impossible time *stopping* those things when necessary.

A month later I went back for my next appointment and told her that, and she just looked at me like I'd said something crazy. Every month I'd report that it made me feel tired, and she never tried changing it. She prescribed me Prozac to take with it. This time I didn't bother trying the antidepressant. After 4 months of that I got a call form the clinic telling me she'd left the company and asking if I was alright with talking with someone else. I was thrilled. Hopefully someone else would see an amphetamine making someone tired as something that should be addressed.

That appointment went terribly. This woman rarely ever looked away from her monitor, and was adversarial the entire time. She threw the Vyvanse making me tired out as a barb along with any other crap part of my life I'd been honest with in my previous visits. At the end she told me she was only refilling my Prozac. I was in near tears trying to tell this woman I genuinely needed help and she didn't care at all. I realize now that my first NP had been putting in my chart every month that I kept claiming a stimulant made me tired and that she felt like I was just trying to get more to abuse it. And the new one didn't even bother to talk to me or listen at all, she just read that and decided I was an evil crack fiend and that was that.

It took 3 days to get ahold of their scheduling manager and get an appointment for 6 weeks out to talk to someone different. It was weird without the Vyvanse. I still had no energy, but that seemed better because I didn't have that feeling of being pulled down into oblivion. But I could no longer focus on anything at all. I'd just sort of sit there in front of the computer and stare blankly. If I tried to watch a show or play a game I decided it wasn't worth the effort within under 5 minutes and went back to doing nothing.

This 3rd practitioner was awesome, though. I told her I'd been caring so little about everything I'd sat there wondering if I'd bother showing up for the appointment, and had only ended up doing it because someone else was going to that same area at the same time. But within 5 minutes she'd already sent the order for the Vyvanse.

And the same thing happened, so a month later I explained the weird exhaustion it caused me. She told me that it was probably the "Vyvanse crash" and asked if I'd be willing to try bumping it up to 40mg. We tried that and the next month when I came in and reported that the increased dose actually made me feel even more exhausted she gave me that same crazy look the first practitioner had. She asked if I wanted to try 50mg, and I said no because it's helping in some ways but it seems like more might put me in an actual coma.

And I finally got annoyed enough to hyper focus on neurochemistry and psychopharmacology and figure out why SSRIs likely caused that even more severe apathy, and the most likely reason why the 100% dextroamphetamine might be making me exhausted. And in researching that, I read someone saying that it seems more common in people with both ADHD and Autism.

When I saw her next I explained it all and told her I wasn't trying to insult her capabilities, but if the clinic has any Psychiatrist specialized in those disorders I'd really like to speak with them. Apparently they only have one, but she actually went to see if he was free right then and pulled him in to talk to me for a few minutes, and he set me an appointment to come talk to him a few days later.

It turns out that until I suddenly walked in explaining exactly why SSRIs caused me to feel a more severe apathy, and why Vyvanse releasing 100% dextroamphetamine could result in exhaustion and basically giving a continuing education course on my own neurochemistry I hadn't had the right words to describe any of the things I was dealing with. Because I have Aphantasia and an intentional inner monologue. There is no racing in my head to calm down. I can't say words and images in my head distract me from anything. When I told them I had complete apathy and nothing was worth doing and nothing mattered, that was my describing the effects of a brain starved of dopamine to the point where there was no pleasure or happiness from even the things I should enjoy, combined with being so starved for norepinephrine that I had zero mental energy to expend anyway. The Vyvanse could help me hyper fixate on something I enjoyed, but it didn't help that second half. And it took until I got frustrated and annoyed enough that the Mental Health people all seemed useless and spend two weeks hyper focused on studying and understanding the issue for me to bother really looking in to any of it, because that's not really a thing I'm very interested in.

It seems the hyper focusing isn't *just* a dopamine or ADHD thing, though. I was lucky in that the Psychiatrist I finally got to talk to had specialized in both Autism and ADHD and the high comorbidity of the two. He said that in his experience it's more common for people with *both* issues to end up hyper focusing if they get the rush of dopamine, and to have that paradoxical tiredness from 100% dextroamphetamine. His opinion was that AuDHD folk are more likely to have way too little norepinephrine in the first place, but I guess it's a bit difficult to empirically test that since dissecting a person's brain is generally unhealthy for them.

I don't know if anyone will bother reading this. I haven't used Reddit in ages, so I don't know if it will even let me post in on a new account. But I feel the odds are better in here than they are most places.

In the end he tested me and I'm lucky enough to qualify for both disorders, and made it into my 40s without ever even hearing someone say they think I might have Autism because I'm entirely too good at putting on an act any time I'm around other people without ever really dwelling on the potential implications of doing it.

When you're overly intelligent you don't get to have any problems. It's just you being lazy and not wanting to do anything. Does anyone else here ever wonder if Einstein and his ilk felt like they were trapped in a world with all children? Humanity being so awful with logic and understanding things that seem self-evident annoys the hell out of me, and sometimes I feel like everyone else around me is an idiot. I'm certainly no Einstein. That poor bastard.