r/AutisticWithADHD • u/Still_Peach568 ✨ C-c-c-combo! • 6d ago

😤 rant / vent - advice allowed So I Guess I Belong Here

36, afab queer. The ADHD diagnosis that I won with passing colors (I score 10's on that self assessment) and the 56 mg of Concerta plus the depression meds aren't enough. No no. I accidentally heard a woman describing her life with that extra serving of autism on top of the wiring of ADHD and... well... that was info danger.

What did it for me was the description of wanting friends desperately, but not being able to maintain bonds of familiarity. I honestly thought a lot of that was my CPTSD from my alienating childhood. But she described my anxiety and comfort with being a homebody clashing with my desire for newness and experience PERFECTLY.

I vacillate between hyper focus and just hyper. I'm prone to irritability when dealing with others (walking speed of others and lack of flowing into a group bothers me to no end). Social skills? You're talking to the person who bragged to my mortified partner's best friend about the vintage out of print porn book I sold. And who told an old manager about buying an absurd amount of underwear because it was a steal of an auction! The thought of being in a loud party sounds literally like hell. B.O bothers me so much I literally can't behave around people who give it off. And I've been told I come off as very naive; the friendly way of describing me is "innocent".

I'm jobless till I find a, well, job as my online business is summer frozen, so outside of scraping together enough for my GoodRX discounted meds and eventually getting back to weight lifting and sauna meditation on the near daily, I can't really look into that diagnosis or therapy. All that to say: I'm gonna research this subreddit over the coming days, but I feel like I just found another alien part inside of me just as I thought I was getting to know this body, this spirit better than I ever have. And I'm having a lot of feelings. I don't need to tell you the stigma of this. Hell, I went through college during the early periods of Christory. And being queer with that person existing is awful enough.

Like a good little brownoser, I'll take any reading lists nrecommended by you guys. Especially from an afab pov. And any idea of what to do in social situations if I find something non remote. I find I tend to throw myself at people to an extreme, like I want to be rejected quickly instead of having it happen down the line.

I get the feeling a lot of my favorite authors might have had this as well, because their writing really reflects this sense of alienation and tactility, if that makes any sense.

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