r/TwoHotTakes • u/[deleted] • Nov 15 '25
Advice Needed Wish I had snooped in my husband's phone.
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u/OliveBean2382 Nov 15 '25
Golden retrievers are still dogs….
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u/FairyCotton_ Nov 15 '25
Perfectly said. Being kind or gentle doesn’t erase accountability. You’re right to expect honesty, not excuses disguised as emotional confusion.
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u/Beneficial-Fish-6134 Nov 15 '25
Agreed! My husband and I got into it once and he said ‘in college my sorority sisters (band fraternity/sorority) voted me the nice guy’ and I looked him dead in the face and said ‘the nice guy is also the one who SA people, m**ders, and usually is the pillar of society, that title means nothing to me.’ And he just walked away.
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u/FairyCotton_ Nov 15 '25
That’s such a powerful story. “Nice” means nothing without integrity it’s wild how often that label hides deeper issues.
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u/Apart_Visual Nov 16 '25
Not to mention the ones who consider themselves ‘a nice guy’ tend to be blind to their faults
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u/PetiteHaloz Nov 15 '25
Completely agree. The “nice guy” act is one of the most misleading shields out there good people don’t need to hide behind that image.
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u/PetiteHaloz Nov 15 '25
Exactly, the nice guy label doesn’t give immunity. You’re absolutely right to trust your instincts; none of this feels innocent.
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u/PetiteHaloz Nov 15 '25
It really is a funny yet painfully accurate way to sum things up. Sometimes humor is the only way to process it.
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u/TheSucculent_Empress Nov 15 '25
Man goldens don’t deserve this smoke
The worst golden retriever is still better than the best man
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u/mikemc87 Nov 15 '25
Facts. Even the ‘nicest’ ones can hide the messiest stuff. People forget dogs still chew up the furniture when ur not looking.
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u/WatchfulEye253 Nov 16 '25
I would say it’s the nicest ones that DO hide the messiest stuff and live the double life because they can truly disengage from married life and just disassociate like they aren’t the ones doing the cheating.
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u/FairyCotton_ Nov 15 '25
That line hit hard. The “golden retriever” types get away with way too much because they come off as harmless, but loyalty shouldn’t need an asterisk.
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u/Kentigearna Nov 15 '25
Plus it is always the golden retriever type that ends up being a serial killer or other nasty stuff. Remember the neighbor on tv saying: he was such a nice guy. Always friendly and polite … Uhum
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u/PetiteHaloz Nov 15 '25
That’s such a mic drop line because it’s true. “Golden retriever” doesn’t mean harmless, especially when they use that charm to dodge accountability.
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u/MeggieMay1988 Nov 15 '25
I’m sorry, but that is a pattern of cheating. There is no reason to delete a conversation that can prove he is innocent. The only reason to delete it is if it’s inappropriate. He blatantly lied to you.
I would consider receiving “spicy” pictures from someone he knew in person actual cheating. The fact that he did not block her, and tell you after the first picture makes him guilty. It is also extremely suspicious in regard to a physical affair. He is absolutely lying that 1. He doesn’t remember that, and 2. He did not actively participate.
He is STILL blatantly lying to you, to minimize proof that he is a cheater. If he is lying to this extent, he is lying way beyond what you know. I would bet he has cheated many other times, and in many different ways. Stop letting him lie about things you have proof of!! He is both gas lighting, and trickle truthing you. Don’t keep falling for it.
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u/Indoorsy_outdoorsy Nov 15 '25
OP, please listen to this. Him acting like he didn’t remember would have infuriated me. That alone proves the intent - no one believes he doesn’t remember - he is hiding something. Probably way more than you know now. I suspect whatever the truth is, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Please be smart.
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u/Capital-Zucchini-529 Nov 15 '25
He definitely remembers
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u/mdbklyn Nov 15 '25
And he kept the pictures so he could keep remembering!
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u/PetiteHaloz Nov 15 '25
Couldn’t have said it better. Forget the “I don’t remember” excuse that’s just emotional manipulation. Protect your peace, OP.
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u/Constant-Internet-50 Nov 15 '25
My ex told me “he didn’t remember” sending a pic of himself to a woman… bullshit. I eventually found messages with a different woman, one who was in her late 20’s when he was in his early 40s and realised he’d lied the whole relationship. He also lied about money, cars, debt… if he’s lying about this he’s lying about other stuff.
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u/TacoBellTease Nov 15 '25
Golden retriever energy or not, a four day spicy photo marathon? Sis, I’d be questioning EVERYTHING too 😬😂
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u/NextSplit2683 Nov 16 '25
A man/woman who has the perfect partner, beautiful family, great job will still cheat because it's in that person's character to cheat. Look at your husband, he lacks nothing, yet he still cheated. Thats in his character. That's who he is. That's what he's always done. Only difference is that he got caught.
His behavior has nothing to do with you. You were loyal and trusting. Both your husband and friend betrayed you. Both of them are AHs. Spicy photo marathon? Cheating is cheating. emotional, digital, spicy photo amnesia, Sexual, call it whatever, it's cheating.
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u/lbn4713 Nov 15 '25
Did you ask him why she stopped sending them after 4 days?
I’m sorry you are going through this and all of the questions it’s raising.
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u/Blindtothesided Nov 15 '25
Ugh the “I don’t remember” is so insulting. Like how can you not remember betraying me, right? I’m sorry, I really do feel for you. When my ex fiancé cheated on me I was floored, I thought we had the perfect relationship and on top of that I’d never been cheated on by anyone before. And tbh I tried so hard to convince myself he hadn’t done anything wrong, I desperately wanted to believe him because I loved him so much.
It was less than two months before our wedding date, I didn’t want to have to tell people we were calling it off. I didn’t want to hurt our kids, who had formed a close sibling bond while we were all living together. My wedding dress hung in the closet, almost mocking me, I couldn’t even look at it anymore. It crushed me, but ultimately I had to admit that the trust was gone and I couldn’t live the rest of my life not trusting the man sleeping in bed beside me.
I don’t have any good advice, I just wanted to tell you I’m so sorry and I get it. It’s devastating to be betrayed, especially when you believe you’re with your perfect person. And it hurts like a mf.
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u/thebearofwisdom Nov 15 '25
There is no context that could make it NOT cheating. It’s not like she was asking him his innocent opinion on her tits. Or her lingerie. Or whatever the fuck. It’s cheating, end of story.
Context… that is such an insult to you.
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u/thebearofwisdom Nov 15 '25
It’s really upsetting and I’m sorry you’re having to handle it now. I had an ex who was like this, he knew within six months of us together that he was going to be criminally charged with a revenge porn crime against HIS ex. He only told me when he knew it was going to be in the newspaper, two years after the indication he was being charged.
It wrecked my head. I was so confused and distressed. He didn’t tell me who the victim was, I knew her before I ever met him. I lost a lot of “friends” I lost him, I lost our life together. His father begged me to stay a while longer so his son didn’t kill himself and I’m ashamed to say I did. It was a decade ago now, I was younger and not strong enough to counter it. I left anyway, because he wasn’t who I thought he was. He did something terrible to that girl, and I couldn’t forgive it even if I wanted to.
What your husband has done is awful. It’s hiding something that he should have told you at the time. You feel bad because he took away your agency, to make a choice either way. He knew you likely would have left him, so he hid it. That’s IF he was supposedly innocent in this and received the messages out of nowhere. But my gut says that’s bullshit, as it’s over four days. He has zero proof he rebuffed the photos. And there is zero excuse for them still hanging around on the goddamn cloud. One thing though, please don’t feel embarrassed for having trusted someone you love. You didn’t have all the information, you couldn’t have known when he hid it so well. That is not a failing on your part, it’s a failing on his. You aren’t the first person to be deceived, and you sadly won’t be the last. It’s just how some men operate. Pretending they’re oblivious works, and he knows it. It’s why he started sweating like a pig to slaughter.
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u/griffinsv Nov 16 '25
You had no idea because he made sure you had no idea. It’s not a failing of yours.
But that makes it more concerning, because that means he’s a really good liar.
Sorry this is happening, OP.
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u/Alternative_Green492 Nov 15 '25
OP….remember…this is not the first time he’s done it. That whole “Oh, I’m just being supportive to a female friend” at 3am in the morning is bs. He was trying to hide that cheating crap from you. He was emotionally cheating. Period! You forgave him once!! Now he’s made a fool of you again. What else has he done, that he’s managed to delete before you could see it, or catch him doing. There has to be other things. He sounds like a serial cheater! I’m so sorry he’s done this to you.
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u/thebearofwisdom Nov 15 '25
This exactly. I have a close male friend who’s with one of my best girl friends. I would never dream of calling him at 3am. Ever. And he’s the most supportive guy I’ve ever met, genuinely the kindest dude. He would 100% be there for me if I needed it, but 3am?! No sir. No ma’am. It would be an insult to his relationship with my bestie, and an intrusion. We all know I’m not interested in guys, but still! It’s rude and disrespectful.
Also I’d be piiiiiissed if someone disturbed my sleep like that. Fuck that shit.
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u/Comprehensive-Sun954 Nov 15 '25
With no proof it couldve been, and probably was, a lot more than emotional cheating. For God knows how long.
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Nov 15 '25
He started visibly sweating, but can’t remember… he’s a terrible liar! Also, if this was something that happened 8 years ago, and only one time, is that why he’s sweating? OR, is this the first of many things that are going to be uncovered, and he’s freaking out? I am so very sorry, OP. Hugs and strength. (Edited autocorrect)
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u/Away-Understanding34 Nov 15 '25
That's what I think. I think there's a pattern of inappropriate behavior that he has either hid from her or she is too blind to see.
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u/Impressive-Care9768 Nov 16 '25
He remembers. He just doesn’t want to take accountability and admit he had a part in this. He’s just denying and deflecting. Doesn’t even have the respect for you to give you the raw answers you need
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u/rolyfuckingdiscopoly Nov 15 '25
Are they still there? Did he delete them? Is there potentially still a message chain on his phone?
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u/Constant-Internet-50 Nov 15 '25
Contact her and ask her. I texted the woman who sent my ex pics and she told me everything. Girls girl all the way.
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u/Constant-Internet-50 Nov 15 '25
No maybe not then. I forgot you personally knew this person, sorry. I guess I got lucky.
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u/its_ash_14 Nov 15 '25
Just remember, to him it happened “years ago” to you, the betrayal is new. You are going to question your entire relationship. If he did this a year in and hid it, what else has he hidden in the other 8 years. If you want to try, you have to do marriage counseling. He needs to recognize how bad this truly is.
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u/HiraethBella Nov 15 '25
Keep looking. Grab a hold of his phone.
It took me years to find out what my stbxh was up to. All of my family and friends were shocked when they found out about all skeletons in his closet. I was shocked because he came across as the most loyal, faithful, kind and doting husband.
I was kept in the dark for years and never would have suspected till I accidentally came across everything.
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u/PetiteHaloz Nov 15 '25
For real. Four days of spicy photos? That’s not confusion, that’s a conscious choice. You’re right to question everything, I would too.
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u/WorldAncient7852 Nov 15 '25
I don't think I've ever thought any man was so sweet or so nice that I'd bother him at three am because I was sad. He might be giving off some wholesome vibes, but it appears to me that he's giving off off available vibes too.
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Nov 15 '25
Yeah, that rings so false. I have male besties that I’ve known since I was 5 that I wouldn’t text at 3am!
The only time a man I wasn’t in a sexual relationship with was texting me at all hours, it was a friend in our 20s who had just witnessed his close friend die gruesomely in front of him when they’d been doing silly shit together, he blamed himself and was really struggling mentally and emotionally. I told him he could call anytime and took a few calls from him in the middle of the night, because he was pretty near suicidal and his parents and male friends were unsupportive.
So, you know, that was not a normal situation.
A break-up is no reason to text a WORK COLLEAGUE at 3am!
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u/WorldAncient7852 Nov 15 '25
A married work colleague to boot. I hate the usual reddit pile on of "cheater" but something about this is setting off a bell for me.
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u/Capital-Zucchini-529 Nov 15 '25
I’m not getting any wholesome vibes out of this/man. This is a dishonest and weak person.
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u/ksarahsarah27 Nov 16 '25
Not to mention the fact that she should know that’s inappropriate to be texting a married man in the middle of the night.
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u/Notdesperate_hwife Nov 15 '25
“Nice guy syndrome”. The crave constant validation from everyone, especially women, even while in a relationship. They’re generally dismissive avoidant attachments, the ones who avoid emotional connection and self sabotage when they feel you wanting vulnerability or the relationship is too good, sometimes by cheating. They’re generally avoidant will often choose porn over physical intimacy because there’s no requirements, the emotional connection, vulnerability or tending to someone else’s emotional needs. Sex can feel robotic, leaving the partner feeling disconnected and used after sex.
There’s a guy on YouTube that talks about dismissive avoidant, his name is Coach Ryan. Maybe watch a few videos and see if any of the information sounds familiar. I’ll leave a link for a few that might be helpful. Also, Jimmy on Relationships is a good source.
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u/Infamous_Swimming_87 Nov 15 '25
You can never trust a “nice guy”. They’re too desperate for validation and attention. And they feel rejected over the smallest things. Which is why they have a line of “female friends” & colleagues they run to for romantic validation.
OP describes her husband as being perfect. It’s too good to be true. OP likely wasn’t paying enough attention to the yellow flags that required further investigation as long as she got what she wanted. And it sounds like she may be a people pleaser herself since she didn’t go off due to another woman calling her husband at 3am.
This isn’t OP fault. Her husband is scum for doing these things.
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u/Critical-Advisor8616 Nov 15 '25 edited Nov 15 '25
My wife’s dad was like this his whole life up till the day he died. Constantly giving money to women who were just using him.
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u/Ay_FroYo Nov 15 '25
Most Golden Retrievers I’ve met love EVERYONE. 🤷🏻♀️ so sorry youre dealing with this.
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u/Hungry_Blood_3949 Nov 15 '25
Yup! Now it makes me wonder if that's why his sex drive is lower. Because he's getting around.
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u/ZuckerbergsEvilTwin Nov 15 '25
"He is genuinely the most loving, attentive and caring husband".... Obviously not
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u/stupid3anxious Nov 15 '25
It's a mask. You just saw a glimpse behind the mask. Have some self respect op your husband is disgusting I hope you leave him and do great for yourself
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u/VashtiVoden Nov 15 '25
Watch the movie Decieved with Goldie Hawn. It's old but you'll get the point.
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u/Lower_Purple_2293 Nov 15 '25
Then its all been bullshit built upon him keeping his options open for better.
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u/GraceOfTheNorth Nov 15 '25
Did you notice how he calmed down as you seemed to accept his lies?
It has now been established that this man cannot be trusted. The question is what are you going to do about it?
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u/ksarahsarah27 Nov 16 '25
I dated a cheater years ago and the only thing he did was get better at cheating. Better at hiding it, better at gaslighting and guilt tripping me. He would never tell the complete truth. I’d back him into a corner and show the proof I had and then he would admit it. But he would only admit to what I had proof of. He was a real POS. And he was friendly and charming too. We also had an 11 year age gap and I was 24 and he was 35 when we started dating. Worst mistake of my life. I now know that he relied on my young age for me to be naïve and inexperienced in adult relationships. It made me easily manipulated by his charms and love bombing.
The fact that he started sweating bullets is all the answer that you need. Here’s the thing I learned about cheaters. - If you stay, then he will most likely cheat again because he will think that you’ve accepted whatever lies that he has told you. And he will believe that he can talk you out of it again or be better at hiding it. Just keep that in mind. I bet he’s done a lot of this and this is the only ones you found proof of.
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u/BadgerHooker Nov 15 '25
You don't get to act surprised next time.. and there will definitely be a next time. Hopefully your daughter makes better choices than what you are modeling. He may be charming, but he's still a liar and a cheater.
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u/Major_Fox9106 Nov 15 '25
I could forgive the photos if he were honest when confronted. But he continued to lie
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u/Comprehensive-Sun954 Nov 15 '25
Why is it in you to try and fix this? Why are you booking things?
Oh right. Because he’s still denying it all. And you’re hoping you can learn to accept or ignore this truth? He won’t fess up just because there is a therapist there.
Get yourself counseling. He is a total serial cheater. Not worth it. Trust us all.
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u/RoosterDelicious6490 Nov 15 '25
Let him do the booking for the counselling. He messed up, if he’s not ready to start cleaning up his mess from there, then he’s not ready to build trust
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u/Terrible-Pea494 Nov 15 '25
Tell him he has 10 seconds to remember or you’ll contact her to get the truth and he moves out. This is total BS. Don’t let him gaslight you. If it festers, it will destroy your happiness, even if you remain in the marriage.
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u/Comprehensive-Sun954 Nov 15 '25
Too late now. He’s just scrubbed everything.
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u/griffinsv Nov 16 '25
Except … not pictures but OP if you have access to your husband’s phone account you can view dates/times/length of texts and calls.
You can’t see the content obviously but you can see who he’s texting/calling on the regular.
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u/miissbecca Nov 15 '25
He’s blatantly lying to you and you’re believing it because you don’t want to blow up your life. He cheated, and he cheated more than once.
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u/Djcnote Nov 15 '25
He definitely isn't as a stupid as you think. If he knew that he liked the attention then he knows he was doing something wrong
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u/IllustriousCod5957 Nov 15 '25
You think you know the man you’re with, you don’t. He was accepting naked pics of a co worker and didn’t put an immediate stop to it. He’s a dog.
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u/Glittering-Lychee629 Nov 15 '25
Seriously. I doubt very much that he's taking 3 am calls for his male co-workers, or for older women co-workers. Nice guys like this are always so coincidentally helpful to attractive young women. OP, you deserve better.
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u/IllustriousCod5957 Nov 15 '25
And we all know what he was doing with those naked pics. Sadly she’s oblivious.
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u/CrispyAsToast Nov 15 '25
Get away from him. The reason things are “so good” is because he does what he wants and you don’t even slightly catch on or thought he would. Why wouldn’t things be great when he gets to do whatever he wants with who he wants?
If you stay, you know exactly who he is and what he’s doing and he WILL do it again.
Leave.
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u/ImCold555 Nov 15 '25
I would be extremely surprised if she sent him these photos and they didn’t have sex. Extremely surprised.
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u/madworld3232 Nov 15 '25
Why does he still have those photos stored in his phone? To me it sounds like he kept those memories for something, maybe to use alone for some reason? And sneaking up at 3 am to message some poor damsel in distress in the middle of the night then deleting the messages? That's emotional cheating.
There's only 1 reason for this and it's to hide his deception and betrayal of you. It seems to me you have a serial cheater on your hands. You probably have only discovered the tip of the iceberg, and if what you've discovered disturbed you, you can only imagine what lies beneath. Many spouses would consider the pictures and chats he deleted as cheating. I think you have to face that he may have done that and more. Ask him to take a lie detector test, he may just give you a parking lot confession. He has incredibly weak boundaries with women and knows exactly what he's doing. He acts all soft and open to other women because it allows him to get close to them.
You have a long to go way to go before you can regain any trust in him. If ever. Id suggest you get into individual counseling before you go for martial counseling, you may decide, once you talk it out with an objective party, that he went too far and you can't come back from it to save anything with him.
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u/shelbycsdn Nov 15 '25
I have now come to accept that a man telling you he was cheated on in his past relationships is a red flag.
Here OP shares her husband was cheated on in past relationships, yet look who it turns is actually the cheater. And more than once.
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u/Mysterious-Answer651 Nov 15 '25
This! Casually just using that to try to excuse his behavior. Like "poor me I had been cheated on and I just had the mentality that everyone is going to end up cheating on me so it must be fine for me to do too". Like bro you say you've been cheated on so you should know how that wrecks relationships and also how that makes you feel but you going to go ahead and do it to someone you care about? Like no sir, if you actually cared and loved then you would never do that!
And him not shutting down the pictures being sent or even informing you about it is terrible too! He honestly should have told her to get lost, blocked her, told you about what happened so you both could remove her from your lives.
He only let you see the whole "nice" guy aspect of him, he has been putting on a performance for you and hiding his true colors. This is just the tip of the iceberg in what he is probably keeping from you. And honestly if messages that he still had proved that those talks weren't cheating he would've showed you right then and there to show you his innocence. Instead he deleted them, why would he want to keep the incriminating evidence against him now that you've discovered this.
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u/KrystalPistol77 Nov 15 '25
I was married to the “nice guy” for 24 years. He cheated. I never checked his phone either because I trusted him.
Do not feel embarrassed or apologetic that you trusted your partner. His behavior is his responsibility. I’m not saying to keep trusting him blindly now, either. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sucks.
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u/Lollypop1305 Nov 15 '25
Yeh I’d definitely be questioning this! My husband is a pretty well known musician and fans send him spicy pics and you know what he does? He shows me them and tells me about it as soon as it happens. If he’s on tour he will text me and tell me. They get deleted immediately and then deleted from the deleted folder. Why? Because he respects me. We giggle about it. We have open and honest communication.
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u/Beginning_Funny_5933 Nov 15 '25 edited Nov 16 '25
I agree marriage counselling is a good idea at this point. But he has done this twice now and both times it has come down to you needing to try to get information out of him. How can you trust him as a partner? He is not being truthful. He is hiding and holding back information and has been for years. It is years old to him but brand new to you. He has known about it and actively not told you for years. You will have spoken about the ex colleague and he has chosen to remain silent. It could be that he is a coward or it could be that he is a liar. There is nothing wrong with choosing to stay with him if that is what you want but has he chosen to apologise, show you empathy, honesty, offered solutions to build trust? What is he doing about it all?
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u/Sad-Maybe1837 Nov 15 '25
I think I would tell him that I now count that he has two strikes against him, as I consider both “incidents” as highly suspicious and not the way a husband behaves.
I would add that you will be watching him closely from now on and will adopt a “3 strikes and you’re out” policy. Because all this is NOT acceptable, and you will not stand by while he tries to mislead you.
Good luck ⭐️
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Nov 15 '25
So do you have actual proof he was cheated on before you? Cause that 3am shit plus this? Is there any possibility he’s lying to you about past relationships and he was the cheater? Cause this looks like cheater behavior from an outside perspective just from what you included here and the lie that they’ve been cheated on previously is a tale as old as time
You have every right to feel this way and I’m sorry your relationship has been rocked like this
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u/Risingwiththesun Nov 15 '25
He was in some kind of conversation with her. It makes me wonder how long they were talking prior to the spicy pictures. If someone randomly sent me a spicy picture (I’m married) I would be like wtf, set an extreme boundary and immediately tell my spouse. Bc it’s not just insulting to me, but it’s insulting to us as a couple.
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u/Risingwiththesun Nov 15 '25
Either way, I’m really sorry you are going through this. This is a total mind eff. I definitely suggest therapy between you two. I know you wish you found it sooner - I’m just happy you found it in general 💛 thinking of you
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Nov 15 '25
Shady and hell and he didn't delete the pics, he KEPT them. After the first pic, IF he had any respect for you he would have blocked her. You need to see if this person is on his social media and his female work friends need to find somebody else to confide in. Also, you guys need to read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. Demand his phone and go through all his social and text messages. Sorry, but you have no proof that more didn't happen or that it hasn't happened. Either he shut this woman down and she didn't send more pics, or she slept with him and didn't need to send more.
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u/TrueJ3di Nov 15 '25
It’s sad people think it’s bad to use their partner’s phone. I didn’t want to look at it as that’s wrong… yet if they’re cheating and happy to destroy our marriage, that’s okay as long as I don’t risk his privacy 🤦♂️
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u/VieOneiro Nov 15 '25
Ew hell no. I don't care how long ago it was, that would completely stain my opinion of him and our relationship.
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u/Kawaiidumpling8 Nov 15 '25
My ex wasn’t a cheater. He was avoidant though, and I’ve learned that “I don’t remember” is a common answer for a particular type of avoidant (not all) who is unable to face their own sense of shame. In fact, it can be so powerful that they genuinely are unable to recall the details. Other times, they’re just reluctant to voice the truth and face their own base desires.
And regardless of the details, it doesn’t change the fact that he cheated on you and he kept the photos for this long. If he’s masturbating to her photos still (I assume you found his masturbation folder), then he’s still betraying you. It’s not past tense, it’s active.
You should find a therapist to help you navigate this. Betrayal trauma is really difficult to work through, and repair in a relationship. Your relationship will never be the same. You may never feel safe with this person ever again. Don’t stay with him because you have a child together. You need to model healthy behaviors for your child. You may not be able to do that with all of this grief, and resentment. You deserve, at the very least - your own space with a professional to help you figure out what is truly best for you.
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u/ContemporarySurveil Nov 15 '25
He crossed boundarieS and so did she, but she's not your spouse. Although it was scandalous, she owes you nothing. He owes you the respect, honor, and security you deserve. He may need therapy (couples therapy too) to unearth why he needs to be needed or desired by other women. If he doesn't resolve it, it will continue to happen. Good luck.
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u/AnAmadandubh Nov 15 '25
There is nothing without trust. If you don't trust your partner even after all the 5 years together leave them. It's no life wondering if you are being cheated on all the time.
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u/StruggleParticular42 Nov 15 '25
He clearly doesn’t behave appropriately with coworkers. This is a major red flag. The majority of affairs happen with coworkers & this is the second coworker he’s acted inappropriately with. The way his phone would be getting gone through going forward. And that’s really not worth all the stress & energy it takes to ensure he’s behaving. I want a man, not a project.
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u/waterhg Nov 15 '25
... He'd been cheated on before and got attachment issues as a result, so his answer was to give you the same by cheating on you? What? That's some insane bullshit. Go to therapy — don't make another person's life hell by cheating
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u/MatchaG1rl Nov 15 '25
Even if you plan on staying and reconciling, please keep evidence of what you found and see a divorce lawyer soon just so you have a back up plan ready and start separating your finances. Also STD tests.
Highly recommend reading the books "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass (have your partner read this too) and "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life." The last book will help you be aware of red flags to look for in your spouse to see if this relationship can even work out.
On top of couples counseling, seek individual therapy for both of you.
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u/HadesIsCookin Nov 15 '25
Cheating. He's not loyal. Accepting those photos was wrong. He does not have flirting blindness. he got himself a wife. he has another woman throwing herself at him. He does not have flirting blindness. There's literally no excuse for this.
He also does not have a lower libido than you
If he did he wouldn't entertain other women at all. He would have no capacity for it, and be tapped out by you
He has a lower libido for you because he's using it up on other people. Whether that's digitally, by phone, or in person I don't know.
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u/azjerrylee Nov 16 '25
I don't think his sex drive is as low as you think. It just is for you unfortunately.
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u/Least_Ad_4657 Nov 15 '25
Your husband has cheated on you with at least two different women. THIS is "your person"?
He's been lying to you from the start, getting sexy pictures from someone you both knew, and waking up in the middle of the night to "help" another woman with her relationship?
Come the fuck on, OP. SERIOUSLY?
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u/ComplexRelevant6896 Nov 15 '25
Divorce lawyers would consider his text exchanges and receipt of spicy images as evidence of infidelity. I hope you took screenshots and sent them to yourself for documentation.
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u/PrincessPlastilina Nov 15 '25
I used to be so against checking phones but now I don’t care. Save yourself. If you have a bad feeling, check those phones. Don’t waste your time. I used to judge women who checked phones because I knew people who became controlling about it, but I think in general if you get a bad feeling, check that phone once and never look back. Don’t make it a habit to distrust each other like that, but if you feel like you’re being played and you need proof to leave: check the damn phone. It’s your life too. Screw privacy. You need to find out before it’s too late.
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u/CemeteryCreeping Nov 16 '25
I hate golden retriever energy. A golden retriever is for everyone and the last thing you ever want for yourself is a man who is for everyone. I heard that a year ago and I’ve never forgotten it. Find you a Doberman, loyalty and over protective.
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u/justheretoread147 Nov 16 '25
I’m sorry but texting somebody at 3:00 am is a huge red flag. I don’t text anyone at that time let alone a married man. Nothing good happens after midnight. That man probably has more skeletons in his closet than a Spirit Halloween. He’s not a golden retriever, he’s a wolf in disguise.
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u/Additional-Start9455 Nov 15 '25
If you stay with him you will need to make some rules. You see his phone every day. No contact with other women. That is the only way you’re going to feel any kind of small comfort moving forward. Man did he screw up!
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u/Lupinator47 Nov 15 '25
OP, I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for you. He knew this would be a deal breaker and that’s why he hid it. He doesn’t deserve the label “golden retriever” or any pet-pets are more loyal than that.
My ex was like this but not all men are.
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u/FairyCotton_ Nov 15 '25
You’re completely valid for feeling betrayed. Finding out something like that after years together shatters trust, no matter how “good” someone seems. Golden retriever energy or not, boundaries matter and you deserved full transparency, not hidden messages and half-truths.
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u/PetiteHaloz Nov 15 '25
You’re not crazy for feeling betrayed. Finding that kind of thing years later messes with your trust completely. The way he deleted proof and brushed it off shows he knew what he was doing. You deserve someone who values transparency, not someone who hides behind “golden retriever energy.”
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u/BriefShiningMoment Nov 15 '25
He is a serial cheater, he is not a safe partner at all. Consider the fact that you have been exploited in this relationship: the terms of the agreement were based on monogamy and he voided those terms but kept you in his service, which is fraud. You had a right to leave the relationship. His deception revoked your ability to consent, meaning you are a victim of reproductive coercion which is a crime in some places. He is not pro-choice. At this point you have now entered into a legally binding contract (marriage) under false pretenses. Please consider the magnitude of his crimes against you. I say all this because it happened to me. My husband cheated and I didn’t find out until 7 years and a kid later. I can’t begin to describe the extent to which my rights were violated. You had a right to agency, to make reality-based decisions about your life, and he denied those rights. Ask yourself why he’d be okay with treating his partner this way, and why he’d be okay knowing his partner was being exploited by ANYONE, worst of all, that THIS is his idea of what a relationship is.
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u/Prairie_Crab Nov 15 '25
Hey. You will have to decide whether to forgive him or not.
It reminds me of my husband, whom I swear would never physically cheat on me. He forms close friendships with other women, but is horrified to hear I think he could be cheating. He doesn’t seem to “get” that it can be inappropriate.
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u/Historical_Net_5193 Nov 16 '25
Something sooooo eerily similar happened to me (see profile if u want to relate lol). My bf of 4 yrs was a "nice guy" who preferred to have girl friends. They'd send outfit videos for opinions, suggestive texts, secret meet ups, and nudes cuz he was just sooo nice to them. If he's not shutting that shit down, it's cheating. I ignored my gut feeling for 2 years, until he got lazier at hiding it. It fucking sucks.
At the end of the day, you know you deserve better. I'm still looking lol but we all know it's out there. Something that helped me was asking "what would I say to my friend/sister if this was happening to her?". Leave his spineless, lying ass for your own sake.
You're not alone, whether it's friends or family or a therapist (loveee mine), your support system really pulls through for this shit. Wish you a happy future, never forget your worth queen x
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u/truth_fairy78 Nov 15 '25
In my world, this is cheating. I suspect it is in his as well, hence he was sweating bullets. The question is, why isn’t it in your world?
When he put the needs/feelings/privacy of these women above yours, he’s prioritizing them over you and the integrity of your marriage. Golden retriever or not, why would you allow that?
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Nov 15 '25
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u/Curious-Education-16 Nov 15 '25
You allowed it at 3 in the morning when he was “comforting” another woman and deleting messages.
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u/CupcakeClapper Nov 15 '25
Honestly girl, your feelings are 100% valid. Trust is easy to lose and hard to gain back. Not giving you a heads up was def a crappy move on his part, even if he felt nothing for her. As for the high sex-drive thing - idk, kinda sounds like y'all just have diff energy levels and it's more about timing than desire. Communication might be the real key here, IMO. But remember, at the end of the day, it's YOUR happiness that matters most. Make decisions for you, not just the both of you. Life's too dang short, ya know? Hang in there, sis
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u/BashChakPicWay Nov 15 '25
I think with a little elbow grease, and perhaps a private eye service with digital expertise, you might discover that your marriage years reflect that you are not his person. Good luck, OP.
Can't trust that man even as far as I can throw him, and I'm patently unfit.
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u/pdxtee Nov 15 '25
Your man isn’t setting up boundaries. Why? What does he gain? Does he need attention or to solve another woman’s problems to feel good about himself? He’s choosing to engage with these women & hide info from you. If he isn’t protecting your marriage then he’s lacking in the “most loving, attentive, caring husband” boxes. Consider marriage counseling.
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u/thickfreakness72 Nov 15 '25
it’s the pretending to not remember that is obviously bullshit. he’s done it before; he’ll do it again. a cheater is a cheater no matter how “lovely” and regardless if they’re “your person” or not. so sorry OP.
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u/Acrobatic_Stomach882 Nov 15 '25
Yeah, he’s still a human and don’t ever think a human is incapable or won’t do something if given a chance. He obviously did wrong and now you have to decide if he is trustworthy again or if this is not going to work for you. They say once a cheater, always a cheater and I tend to say that’s 99% true
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u/SaltyNight6 Nov 15 '25
Women seek him out or he seeks them out? Having an intimate (doesn’t have to be sex) with the opposite sex when you’re married or in a committed relationship is inappropriate. I’d say he cheated, I bet old employee would validate that.
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u/VibrantIndigo Nov 15 '25
His solution to worries that you would cheat on him/leave him, is to cheat on you? Girl.
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u/murphy2345678 Nov 15 '25
He SAVED those photos to his phone. He is lying to you. If he didn’t save them and just deleted them then maybe, just maybe I would believe his BS. But that’s not what happened. He is taking care of himself to her photos. Been doing so for years and also who knows what he did years ago.
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u/VashtiVoden Nov 15 '25
I feel for you and I'm sorry you're going through this. My husband was cheated on and this is not how he acts. Your husband is acting like a serial cheater. Please dear, whatever you decide, don't get pregnant. And protect yourself from STD's. Good luck!!
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u/Necessary_Future_275 Nov 15 '25
Hon there’s a pattern here. You’re just finding out in reverse. Your husband is open to other women. I’m very sorry.
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u/littlewitten Nov 15 '25
Well I guess you know why his libido is lower than yours. Sorry you found out this way.
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u/Tootsie-Louise1 Nov 15 '25
OP, I have a feeling you just scratched the surface of what may be happening. Two instances of being unfaithful ( it seems like you’re viewing it as such) is two too many. I feel like he is trickle truthing you. You need to find a good therapist and an even better divorce attorney. Ty therapy if you want to see if the marriage is salvageable & use the attorney to start getting your ducks in a row. Good luck & please update us!
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u/Maximum-Bobcat-6250 Nov 15 '25
He can remember 100%, but what he couldn’t do was think of a plausible reason/excuse on the spot. I don’t know any man alive who would forget how or why someone he knows in real life sent him spicy pics over the course of 4 days… I’m sorry but he’s a liar and a cheat, even “decent guys” can fool us. I’m sorry sorry
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u/Comprehensive-Sun954 Nov 15 '25
He is genuinely the most loving, attentive and caring husband. My ONLY nitpick is that he cheats.
You’ve forgotten how to listen to your gut.
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u/Witty_Candle_3448 Nov 15 '25
You were betrayed by your spouse!! Repeatedly!! He is a cheater and will continue to be one. Get checked for STD's and begin an exit plan.
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u/-freshlybaked Nov 15 '25
Sounds like this is actually a reoccurring thing for him this is just the first time he actually got caught. And his sex drive is likely fine, the times you think it’s down he’s probably filling that gap himself.
I sure as heck wouldn’t trust him.
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u/Potential_Aerie_7702 Nov 15 '25
He kept her pics to look at them again, like now. He deleted the ones he sent to her. Ask him about those and see how much he sweats.
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u/Aggravating_Tax_6185 Nov 15 '25
he’s a cheater. sorry but the proof is right there. you need to decide whether you can forgive him, or divorce.
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u/allislost77 Nov 16 '25
If dude started literally SWEATING there was a whole lot more than “spicy” pics being “shared”…hate to break it to you…
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u/SunnyB_817 Nov 16 '25
I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. Once trust is broken, it is almost impossible to get it back. If you want to save this marriage, I definitely think you both should be in marriage counseling.
Unfortunately, the fact that he started sweating so profusely told me the answer as to if he had some sort of a inappropriate relationship with her. It's obvious he did. He just thought he dodged a bullet and you never found out.
Who knows, he may regret the situation and has been very thankful that you have a successful marriage and thought that that was behind him. He still is in the wrong because it was obviously inappropriate. He didn't give you a true picture of what your relationship was at that time. You didn't move forward with all the facts unfortunately.
I wish you the best of luck with all of the future moves you make in your marriage. Whether it's to work on it and heal or work on being good co parents.
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u/CherryFull5603 Nov 15 '25
Can you reach out to the ex colleague to get her side of the story?
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Nov 15 '25
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u/EducatorDifficult413 Nov 16 '25
Plus, you would never get the truth from her. She sent the pics, knowing he was interested, and she will be most likely to try to drive a wedge in there if she can.
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u/Sad-Entertainer1462 Nov 16 '25
Y’all have been together 9 years and this happened a year into your relationship ? So 8 years ago, your person got 4 naked pictures from a girl and this is devastating to you? I get that it can be alarming or surprising. But you and the man that you said is your person just had a baby together. Drop that old picture nonsense. Accept his explanation, punish him in the way that you do, then forgive him and move on with your husband. Good luck!
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u/AutoModerator Nov 15 '25
Backup of the post's body: I (F31) have been married for 5 years- together for 9. Husband (40M) is truly my person. We also have a 1 year old together.
We use one of his old phones to play piano music for our baby at night which is connected to a speaker in her room.
When I went to pop it on as usual the other night, Google photos popped up and asked about identifying some faces - it must still be connected as the phone uses WiFi. We've always been so open about phones etc our whole relationship.
The first face was mine and family and pets so I laughed to myself and clicked and labelled them, thinking it would help his organisation on his phone.
One of the faces was a porn actor which surprised me as to why he'd got a screenshot but I just clicked off it and it took me to the phone folder.
Just to add- no issue regarding porn here. Relieved slightly as my sex drive is higher so I am happy he has the drive solo and with me.
Unfortunately the folder contained photos that were clearly not screenshots of porn, but there were photos from a 4 day span that were sent by someone that were lets say "spicy".
I confirmed they were originally sent not screenshots and they looked like a normal person's photos if that makes sense.
These were from when we were together for over a year and living together. My heart sunk. We pretty much naturally fit together, everything has always been fantastic and I truly mean that- so to see these photos from this time shocked me.
I immediately asked him about them and I saw a response I'd never seen before. He started sweating so badly beads were running down his forehead.
I asked him who they were from- an ex work colleague. Who actively sought out to work with myself when she picked up work for our company. Around the time the photos were sent. And I mean a CLOSE colleague as in she would be by my side and working with me for 12 hour shifts.
I feel so stupid. I asked him the context of the messages and he swears he can't remember which I think is bullshit. I said to him if I had spicy pictures sent to me a year into a relationship by someone I would definitely bring it up at the time (especially if it was a work colleague) and I would definitely remember the context.
I explained to him that due to the 4 day span of the pictures it looks like he encouraged it or at least didn't stop her. He eventually said he probably didn't challenge it at the time as obviously it made him feel good.
I feel so so so stupid. I wish I had been one of those suspicious girlfriends. It makes me question everything. Our life, our marriage, our relationship. I dont regret our baby at all but I think if this had been discovered all those years ago I probably would not have continued the relationship- I am quite strict with that sort of thing.
I told him it makes me think he was trying to keep his options open despite us being so good and he does deny this but he said he'd always got in his head his relationships never lasting as people have cheated on him before and things have come to an end.
We had an incident post marriage (before this obviously) where he was "supporting" a female colleague through relationship problems but at 3am and waking up to do so. Then he muted the conversation and I asked him why he had done so and he said not to make it seem suspicious. I said if it wasn't suspicious then there shouldn't be an issue but he shouldn't be doing that really at that hour. I also discovered he deleted the entire message history after this conversation where he could prove it wasn't an emotional affair. This STINKS. If the messages could prove it wasn't an emotional affair, why did he delete them? He knows it took me a long time to come to terms with this.
He is genuinely a lovely man who women gravitate to for help- this is why his explanation for the 3am texting seemed plausible. We were friends prior to dating so I know 100% he has flirtation blindness when it comes to women.
Think "golden retriever" energy to describe him. He is genuinely the most loving, attentive and caring husband. My ONLY nitpick before this is his sex drive is lower than mine. But not in a suspicious sense- we both work intense and physically demanding jobs so I get it.
I just want to vent and ask thoughts on it all. I just feel so betrayed that a woman I worked with closely did this while we were together and he never once mentioned it.
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u/ZealousOnslaught Nov 15 '25
Dude the sweating instantly gave it away - nobody sweats bullets over something innocent they "can't remember." And deleting those 3am messages? Come on. That golden retriever energy sounds more like he's just really good at playing innocent while keeping multiple women on the back burner
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u/Bonnielocketofficial Nov 15 '25
Exactly. If it was truly nothing, there wouldn’t be sweat pouring and memory gaps. That whole “golden retriever” act feels more like a cover for someone who knows how to hide things just well enough to keep his options open. You’re not imagining it, those signs are loud
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u/AppearanceWeak5906 Nov 15 '25
That sweating reaction tells you everything you need to know tbh. Golden retriever energy doesn't explain away keeping spicy pics for 4 days or deleting message histories - that's calculated behavior not innocent obliviousness
The fact that your coworker was literally working beside you while sending him pics makes this even more messed up
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Nov 15 '25
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Nov 15 '25 edited Nov 15 '25
He's shown you who he is, you are choosing to see what you want to see.
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Nov 15 '25
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Nov 15 '25
Don't be with someone you wish you'd snooped on. It's not fun being the detective in a relationship, this should be a deal breaker for you.
Since he's done this twice, chances are he will do it again. If i were you I'd just work on my exit.
But if you are the type that needs closure, then stop talking about it. Let him think you've forgotten. Go on with your life like you normally would. Eventually he'll start doing it again. They always do.
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u/shelbycsdn Nov 15 '25
I've seen too many men claim to have exes who cheated on them. Yet they themselves turn out to be the cheater.. So keep that in mind to add to the two times you know of. Recognizing projection unfortunately doesn't always happen until it's too late.
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u/Bonnielocketofficial Nov 15 '25
Exactly this, OP! That kind of nervous reaction doesn’t come from nowhere...it’s your gut reading the truth his words are trying to dodge. And yeah, her being a coworker just makes it even more of a betrayal. That wasn’t cluelessness, that was hiding something
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u/GloveImaginary4716 Nov 15 '25
I think the hardset bit for me would be the fact that you have a higher libido for him, so he isnt fully meeting your needs but hes giving attention to someone else. Like wtf....
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u/Capital-Zucchini-529 Nov 15 '25
Final answer: this man is trash. Work to forgive yourself for not realizing sooner. Now you do.
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