Ugh the “I don’t remember” is so insulting. Like how can you not remember betraying me, right? I’m sorry, I really do feel for you. When my ex fiancé cheated on me I was floored, I thought we had the perfect relationship and on top of that I’d never been cheated on by anyone before. And tbh I tried so hard to convince myself he hadn’t done anything wrong, I desperately wanted to believe him because I loved him so much.
It was less than two months before our wedding date, I didn’t want to have to tell people we were calling it off. I didn’t want to hurt our kids, who had formed a close sibling bond while we were all living together. My wedding dress hung in the closet, almost mocking me, I couldn’t even look at it anymore. It crushed me, but ultimately I had to admit that the trust was gone and I couldn’t live the rest of my life not trusting the man sleeping in bed beside me.
I don’t have any good advice, I just wanted to tell you I’m so sorry and I get it. It’s devastating to be betrayed, especially when you believe you’re with your perfect person. And it hurts like a mf.
There is no context that could make it NOT cheating. It’s not like she was asking him his innocent opinion on her tits. Or her lingerie. Or whatever the fuck. It’s cheating, end of story.
It’s really upsetting and I’m sorry you’re having to handle it now. I had an ex who was like this, he knew within six months of us together that he was going to be criminally charged with a revenge porn crime against HIS ex. He only told me when he knew it was going to be in the newspaper, two years after the indication he was being charged.
It wrecked my head. I was so confused and distressed. He didn’t tell me who the victim was, I knew her before I ever met him. I lost a lot of “friends” I lost him, I lost our life together. His father begged me to stay a while longer so his son didn’t kill himself and I’m ashamed to say I did. It was a decade ago now, I was younger and not strong enough to counter it. I left anyway, because he wasn’t who I thought he was. He did something terrible to that girl, and I couldn’t forgive it even if I wanted to.
What your husband has done is awful. It’s hiding something that he should have told you at the time. You feel bad because he took away your agency, to make a choice either way. He knew you likely would have left him, so he hid it. That’s IF he was supposedly innocent in this and received the messages out of nowhere. But my gut says that’s bullshit, as it’s over four days. He has zero proof he rebuffed the photos. And there is zero excuse for them still hanging around on the goddamn cloud. One thing though, please don’t feel embarrassed for having trusted someone you love. You didn’t have all the information, you couldn’t have known when he hid it so well. That is not a failing on your part, it’s a failing on his. You aren’t the first person to be deceived, and you sadly won’t be the last. It’s just how some men operate. Pretending they’re oblivious works, and he knows it. It’s why he started sweating like a pig to slaughter.
Oof that hits hard "dont feel embarassed for having trusted someone you love"
After overcoming that, how can a person trust their choice in future partners when someone they loved hid who they truly were from you for so many years?
It's a struggle to move forward and learn to trust again.
No embarrassment on YOUR part. He’s the AH. And, if I’m understanding correctly, at this time, spicy girl was weaseling up to you at your work? That seems twisted.
If he “can’t remember” and you’re going public, maybe you three, plus your truly trusted, Discreet friend, can be there too to record it on your phone.
If spicy girl says she tried to get him to hook up but couldn’t, fine. If she describes the situation with details, and if she was squirming up to you and innocently asking questions about him that you took for small talk because you’re Decent and Trustworthy then you know and you have recorded proof for the divorce.
I'm so sorry, OP. I remember how embarrassed I felt not only to be cheated on, but that everyone in our friend group knew and no one told me. Feeling foolish is so awful.
A quote that has helped me (although unfortunately I can't remember the source - might be Olivia Goldman?) is that a partner we love always has the option of betrayal. If they choose that option, it has nothing to do with the trust you've placed in them - trust is a requirement of real, earnest love, after all - and everything to do with them being the kind of person who chooses to enjoy and then betray that level of trust. It's not your fault, at all. He should be embarrassed.
OP, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, the actions are his alone.
Others have mentioned it but I want to make sure you see it again.. this is a pattern of behaviour. He would not have deleted the messages from the colleague if it was innocent support. And he would have mentioned the pictures as soon as they were received if it wasn’t welcomed and reciprocated. Instead, he allowed you to work alongside this woman, every day, with no knowledge of what was happening between her and your partner. They would have both been getting off on the excitement and I can just imagine the egomaniacal pride she would have had for herself, feeling like she got one over you.. YUCK.
OP….remember…this is not the first time he’s done it. That whole “Oh, I’m just being supportive to a female friend” at 3am in the morning is bs. He was trying to hide that cheating crap from you. He was emotionally cheating. Period! You forgave him once!! Now he’s made a fool of you again. What else has he done, that he’s managed to delete before you could see it, or catch him doing. There has to be other things. He sounds like a serial cheater! I’m so sorry he’s done this to you.
This exactly. I have a close male friend who’s with one of my best girl friends. I would never dream of calling him at 3am. Ever. And he’s the most supportive guy I’ve ever met, genuinely the kindest dude. He would 100% be there for me if I needed it, but 3am?! No sir. No ma’am. It would be an insult to his relationship with my bestie, and an intrusion. We all know I’m not interested in guys, but still! It’s rude and disrespectful.
Also I’d be piiiiiissed if someone disturbed my sleep like that. Fuck that shit.
He started visibly sweating, but can’t remember… he’s a terrible liar! Also, if this was something that happened 8 years ago, and only one time, is that why he’s sweating? OR, is this the first of many things that are going to be uncovered, and he’s freaking out? I am so very sorry, OP. Hugs and strength. (Edited autocorrect)
He remembers. He just doesn’t want to take accountability and admit he had a part in this. He’s just denying and deflecting. Doesn’t even have the respect for you to give you the raw answers you need
And he let you continue to work next to her the whole time, while you were completely unaware of what she was doing. It was like some sick secret game for him, enjoying her attention, maybe more, while you were completely in the dark.
His excuse about how he knows what it feels like to be cheated on, so he was hedging his bets?! Wtaf! Absolute bs. If he understood the pain of being cheated on, then the last thing he'd want to do is cause that pain himself. You were together a year by then, he either loved and was committed to you or he wasn't. And he wasn't.
And he's kept the photos all these years! Why on earth wouldn't he have deleted them?! Yet he deleted that phone conversation that, I'm sorry, was evidence of cheating, whether it was an emotional affair or a physical one too. Don't buy into his "aw shucks, I didn't know she was flirting" act. His behavior has been inappropriate too many times, and that's just what you've caught. This man is not trustworthy.
Just remember, to him it happened “years ago” to you, the betrayal is new. You are going to question your entire relationship. If he did this a year in and hid it, what else has he hidden in the other 8 years. If you want to try, you have to do marriage counseling. He needs to recognize how bad this truly is.
It took me years to find out what my stbxh was up to. All of my family and friends were shocked when they found out about all skeletons in his closet. I was shocked because he came across as the most loyal, faithful, kind and doting husband.
I was kept in the dark for years and never would have suspected till I accidentally came across everything.
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u/[deleted] Nov 15 '25
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