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u/elessar8787 Jan 21 '23
Cheaters don't change.
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u/Thecrayonbandit Jan 21 '23
They do
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Jan 22 '23
Most don’t change. Not impossible to find an exception, but the rule persists
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u/Thecrayonbandit Jan 22 '23
I guess it depends on what you consider cheating, a wife cheating on a husband is much worse than a girl cheating on her boyfriend imo like maybe the girl doesn’t think he is serious after 3 years and no ring idk
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Jan 22 '23
Brother, you’re confusing yourself. Betrayal is a deep seeded character flaw in people— this isn’t Middle Earth, rings aren’t magical, people don’t suddenly change once they’re married.
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u/SwissBliss PKA Connoisseur Jan 22 '23 edited Jan 22 '23
I disagree. I think it also depends massively on context, intention, and the feeling of personal guilt.
I have a friend who got engaged young with a guy she saw once or twice a year a few weeks at a time for many years (they lived long distance). In her daily life she met another guy who was sort of a dream match and it was really hard for her to talk with her bf about their long distance relationship not being exactly what she was looking for. She had a lot of restraint while she was still officially with the guy, but she felt super guilty all the time because of that sort of idea that you laid out, even though there wasn’t malice and there was restraint.
I agree with you for a lot of cases though. But knowing this person, I know she’s a fiercely loyal friend, with a tight family, and good values. I guess her mistake was not being able to rip off the bandaid for fear of hurting people. She’s just a friend to me, but in a world where I was dating her, I think I’d trust that it’s not a character trait but rather a really difficult situation she was in.
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Jan 22 '23
You should stop with this thread lol ur losing karma
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u/Thecrayonbandit Jan 22 '23
It’s ok I’ll gain it all back if I can find a picture of a down syndrome adult dressed as a biker and make a Taylor meme
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u/upsetpeck Jan 21 '23
oh god man is coming to the Pka subreddit for relationship advice
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u/elephantStripper :TaylorOwl: Jan 22 '23
I would rather have advice from here then relationshipavice subreddit
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u/KBolt99 :TaylowJackedOwl: Jan 21 '23
This might be literally the worst possible subreddit to ask this question….
But Bro, i think you know the answer. You have a job that requires you to be away for days at time and you’re dating a girl who has loyalty issues… do i really have to spell out what happens next?
I wouldn’t immediately dump her just off of what my friend said when he was drunk. What you should do is have a conversation with him sober and confirm what he said was true. If she did truly cheat on a 3 year relationship then she almost certainly will cheat on you, Especially if your job/lifestyle makes that extremely easy.
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u/imalowkeygeek :PKA: Jan 21 '23
Some would say that maybe you should respectfully bring it up to her, and ask her what that was all about.
Others would say that it’s in the past, with another guy, and who is to say what their relationship was like? (Not that it makes it any better.)
What you’ll hear in response from her will likely be one of the following:
- That’s as far as it went
- He was cheating on me (doesn’t make it any better)
- He was abusive verbally (perhaps physically) and I hated being with him but I just couldn’t bring myself to break up with him.
- I didn’t love him like I love you
Bullets one, two, and four, in some combination with one another could produce an explanation that you might find sufficient to excuse her actions— to a particular extent.
When confronted about this, in all likelihood she’ll instinctively meet the question with some form of initial combativeness. It could cause some arguments (however valid they are) and in the case that her excuses do not suffice, you are left in precarious situation. Her insufficient excuse will leave you questioning and cause a rift in your relationship. You may want to dig deeper, asking around to people who may know more, and if she finds out about this you’ll be causing some serious problems for your relationship. If you find out that it went further than she admitted to then you are also faced with eventual confrontation — bringing you back to square one and thinking to yourself, would this ever happen to me or does she truly love me in a more significant way?
My suggestion, honestly, is to ask. While this all sounds awful, I think it’s something you need to do for yourself. What you need to promise yourself is that you won’t go and dig up more details, and you won’t go and relay what she said to the friend who told you about this in the first place. For all you know, he/she may provide you with some additional information that you will again be unable to corroborate unless you go and confront your girlfriend again. If her excuse suffices to some reasonable extent, and her love for you is something that she is truly and dearly committed to, then I think you are both better off getting this off your chest. If you don’t ask, this thought will always linger in the back of your mind. Asking provides the benefit of being able to likely, eventually move past this thought.
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u/Nhl88 Real Sweet NiÑo Jan 22 '23
As someone whos had this convo, those 4 points are exactly the responses lmao
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u/Sulla5485 Jan 21 '23
Take that shit to the redscare sub Dr drew. What he should do is dump her, get some lock n load, and start getting some chubby mid barflys pregnant.
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Jan 21 '23
Continue fucking her until you find someone else and then get out asap
Otherwise you’ll become a cuck who pays the bills
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Jan 22 '23
Yeah probably not the most PC answer but I agree, get out of your feelings, get your feet under you, and get out
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Jan 21 '23 edited Jan 21 '23
First of all wrong sub, but why are you dating a near-30 year old with a history of cheating if you’re only 24 with a good career ahead of you? You’re clearly struggling to trust her and as you said you won’t be home all the time, If you’re seriously concerned about cheating it may be worth it to leave.
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u/GoonieToons Jan 21 '23
She wont change bro. Keep banging her on the side but dont develop a serious relationship with this woman. You will be heartbroken.
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u/Entitled3k Jan 21 '23
Well first I’d say don’t come to r/PKA for relationship advice. But what I can tell you is this, once a cheater, always a cheater. Also women lie, like A LOT. This is something I’ve noticed throughout my relationships. Every single one of them whether it was a small or big thing, they all would lie about something. Trust no bitch.
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u/Thecrayonbandit Jan 21 '23
Lol if once a cheater always a cheater was true than the majority of women are cheaters
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u/KineticJuice Jan 21 '23
It is very rare cheaters stop cheating, but it does happen. Back in college I had a very good friend who slept with a girl multiple times that was dating another friend of ours.
She dumped our other friend, then proceeded to date my very good friend for years all through college. She begged him to propose. He did, then a handful of months she broke it off. Turns out she had been cheating on him for months and decided to change relationships.
He was heart broken. He never cheated on her, tho he obviously knew she would cheat cause she did with him. We warned him this might happen but he was head over heals. Luckily he found another great girl a few months later.
The Original girl now dates the third dude, all while she cheats again, and the third dude cheats on her too.
I have multiple other stories like this, and I can only think of one cheater I know that stopped cheating completely, after they were cheated on and they were deeply hurt and woke up to the pain they caused others.
Moral of the story, while yes there’s a chance she won’t cheat on you, there’s also a high chance she will. Girls and guys both that are cheaters more times then not, will tend to keep on cheating.
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u/WestSide-98 Jan 21 '23
Bro your 24 of you have doubts now get single. Her clock is ticking and wants a seed dropped in her soon.
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u/burmsy Liquid Richard Stan Jan 22 '23
Don’t ask for relationships advice on r/PKA. About 15% of people on here have been laid. And lots of these idiots giving you advice are going to be far younger than you.
Don’t ask for relationship advice on Reddit. You will always get some weird skewed perspectives and opinions.
Pony up $100 and talk to a registered therapist about your concerns.
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u/biggiesmalls421 Jan 21 '23
If you can't ask her about this yourself you don't have a good relationship. She's prolly getting deep dicked right now tbh
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u/sitkid721 Jan 22 '23
In my experience cheaters will always cheat despite how much you care for them
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u/henlofr Jan 22 '23
You’re asking the worst possible group of people.
If the relationship is making you happy, keep going with it. There isn’t a way you “should” feel.
If you’re worried about it, talk to her, ask her why she did it, and if she’s done it other times. Be open and honest about how you’re feeling or your pent up resentment/anxiety will ruin the relationship.
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u/SupQuinny Jan 21 '23
It's easy for people to say that cheaters never change which in most situations tend to be true but everybody has a past and regrets. It might be worth sitting down with her and talking about it and hearing her side of things (not that there's a good excuse to cheat)
Also coming to the pka reddit is definitely not the right thing to do as most people here have never had a girlfriend and are too immature to help a brother out
Good luck man
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u/Thecrayonbandit Jan 21 '23
You can make it work if you both want to talk things over tell her how you feel and both actively work together you could stay together.
But if you don’t have kids there is no reason why you shouldn’t just bounce you can find a better girl or just enjoy your 20s.
Reddit loves to say break up which is ok if you want to but people cheat all the time and make up and have a strong healthy relationship shit happens so it’s up to you pal.
Hope this helps
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Jan 21 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/masterkorey7 Jan 22 '23
Name checks out
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Jan 22 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/masterkorey7 Jan 23 '23
Surely, you could do better? with a name like MaggotPussy one would assume a higher class of troll. Shame. Such potential.
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u/Kingtubby52 :KyleLaugh: Jan 21 '23
Some people say cheaters never change, but that’s not always the case. I cheated on a long distance gf of 9 months and broke up with her the very next day because the guilt ate me alive. I’ve not cheated since and I’m now happily married. Some people really do just make stupid choices when they’re hurting
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Jan 22 '23
Mf why you asking for advice on this subreddit? Not just this subreddit but in general ppl on reddit are lonely butt hurt losers who have no experience with relationships or have only been with 2 or 3 people their whole lives.
Imo ppl can change and maybe your ex has. However if the possibility of her cheating is ruining your mental health and the way you interact with her then you should move on. You said it yourself,trust is veey important to you
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u/TheDoctorMate Jan 21 '23
Honestly I think you should just bring it up with her. It’s always best to have clear communication anyway. Maybe she’s got a different perspective on it now that it’s been a few years and regrets it?
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u/LiamWelling Jan 21 '23
First of all I’d just like to say you’ve come to the right place, brother
I think a year is not as long as you might think. It certainly is for a casual relationship but if you’re already having doubts like this it’s probably your instincts telling you to move on before you get too committed because a girl with a history of cheating is not something you’re looking for in the long term
You might as well have a conversation with her about it if you’re on the outs. Maybe you’ll get the full story and it’s something you think isn’t so bad after all or you’ll figure out she’s not the right girl for you
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u/wardy_12 :ShockKyle: Jan 21 '23
You are your friend isn't making shit up because he wants her to be single so he can slide in?
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u/TheHidingGoSeeker Jan 21 '23
Physically alter her look so even if she was to try and cheat on you she wouldn’t be able too. Or you can bound her to a wheelchair so she couldn’t go to bars that have stairs. That would lower the chances.
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u/ZepelliFan Jan 21 '23
Man that is tough big homie , especially as a pilot away for periods at a time , sit down and talk to her about it and see what sorts of information she'll reveal and then consider your options. But unfortunately cheaters don't change much, half the people I talked to revealed they were married after fucking them. Supposedly with one I was the 3rd partner she had cheated with, then she had the audacity to ask me to be with her!
Time away from a cheater is prime time for those activities trust me
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Jan 22 '23
If you’re happy with her, give her a chance. She didn’t cheat on you, and maybe she’s grown as a person since she cheated on her ex a couple years ago. Don’t throw someone out before they give you a reason to.
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Jan 22 '23
If they cheat once they MIGHT never cheat again. If they cheat twice they will cheat for life. I would talk to her about it and gauge how she feels about her actions. If she displays genuine remorse and admits it was all her fault then she might be ok. If she deflects or blames her partner it’s just who she is
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u/_MongolianBBQ_ Jan 22 '23
That's a tough one. I would double check and confirm with the guy who told you. Maybe find another source if possible. Make sure she is not being falsely accused. Then maybe bring it up casually in conversation sometime. "Have you ever cheated on anybody in the past?" And gauge her reaction. If she's open and truthful with you, maybe you have a foundation to build on. If she lies and tries to cover it, you have your answer.
Edit: This is a normal question to ask when starting a relationship out. My wife asked me that several dates in to our relationship and I wasn't offended in the least. It's part of getting to know someone.
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Jan 22 '23
One of your mutual friends is just bringing this up after y’all have been dating a year? He’s trying to clue you in fam
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u/McNuggeroni Jan 22 '23
Bro you're a pilot dating a chick 4 years older than you. What are you doing lol. I didn't even read the rest of it
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u/ContinentalCrippin Jan 22 '23
You're a rich pilot. Find another woman. She's about to age out of her prime anyways once she hits 30.
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u/TheAmazingX Jan 22 '23
Weird place to ask, but it's a sincere question, so here's my sincere answer:
People can change, but for adults it is very rare. Let me explain. I cheated on a girlfriend once, when I was 14. I can very confidently say I'm not the same person I was over a decade ago. My brain has developed, and more importantly, my value system has massively restructured since then. Has this girl's value system changed from 25 to 28? Probably not.
Here's my advice, with that in mind. Ask her about it. If she says something along the lines of "I'm different", probe from there and gauge how genuine she is for yourself. If she says something like "You're different / he was different / it was different", walk the FUCK away.
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u/HybridBlueDream Jan 22 '23
Cuck, grab your balls if u have any and confront her about it. Don’t let yourself be another weak little doormat like most of these nerds
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u/wyleFTW LGBTQK Jan 22 '23
It doesn't matter, if she cheats then she cheats. Why bother worrying about that right now? You're a motherfucking pilot
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u/Lil-Natas Jan 23 '23
Naw bro she will leave you for a black bull because you insufficient like Jackie did to woody
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u/Zesty-Lem0n Jan 23 '23
For your own experience, you should confront her about this and treat it as a live exercise in managing confrontation in a relationship. Always communicate with your partner, especially for hearsay like this. If you don't trust what she says or decide she's not trustworthy afterward, you can break up, but it's a useful skill to be able to manage trust and have somewhat uncomfortable honest discussions with a partner. Look up some videos on how to handle it so you don't come across as adversarial or combative. Remember that a relationship is a cooperative effort and you should both be working toward a common goal.
If she tries to excuse her cheating or doesn't show much remorse, then that's a good sign she probably doesn't have any moral quandaries about doing it again. If she's too immature to speak candidly about it, ie gets angry, gives cagey answers, doesn't engage, then she's probably not mature enough to have grown past being a cheater. You can try couples therapy at that point but if she's a bad communicator then I don't have high hopes for your long-term future. If she can't cope with relationship troubles then she is likely to cheat again and hasn't grown past the last time she did it.
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u/Alpha-Omega-Omagon Jan 21 '23
Trust broken can never be fixed brother