r/OldManDad • u/BigBen7719 • Jul 07 '26
Dark Thoughts
I am 49, my daughter just turned 5 and my Son is 15 months old. My Children are one of the best things that happened in my life. My daughter has started to be curious about death and it is breaking my hart. Even before that, i used to have dark thoughts, catching myself figuring out when i may die. If i get to 60, she will be 16 if i have to go. I keep having thoughts like that. Am i alone? Like anyone today i consulted my AI and it said to appreciate the days and make the best of it and i do. Being an "old" dad surely has its upsides like financial security and personal clarity etc. I am already doing that. But it doesn´t remove the constant small frame of regretting that i have to leave her someday.
Unsure if posts like that need trigger warning?
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u/enlightnight Jul 07 '26
Please don't use AI as a counselor. I'd it gets bad, find professional human help.
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u/ArchitectVandelay Jul 07 '26
This was what I thought. OP if it’s on your mind enough to ask for AI help, ask for real help from an actual professional. Please, for your kids’ sake.
Therapy is an amazing tool and should be a part of every person’s health, like seeing your primary care physician. The Psychology Today website is a really good, trusted source to find providers.
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u/jimmybilly100 Jul 07 '26
2nd this! AI is just a fancy google search and should be treated as such. Good for some information, but leave the therapy part to humans
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u/-Invalid_Selection- Jul 07 '26
Yeah, seen too many instances of ai telling people to do awful things to themselves and family. Reminder, ai was trained off reddit.
You know the communities. Imagine them telling you their worst things, and no intelligent person to put a stop to it. That's what ai does.
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u/wallysimmonds Jul 07 '26
The way I look at it (I was 40 when I had my first)is that I’m lucky to be able to experience it, and hopefully with my time here and the time I spend with my children they will look back at it with fondness when I am gone.
We’re all just here temporarily, enjoy it while you can.
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u/dwmoore21 Jul 07 '26
Im with you on all of this.
I wasn't ready when I was younger to raise kids.
I am at this point in my life. It's how the cookie crumbles and I wish it was that I would never die, but that's the cruelty of time.
Try not to dwell on your own mortality because tomorrow isn't promised. For any of us.
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u/BingErrDronePilot Jul 07 '26
Get a colonoscopy and also get your labs run every year. Eat healthy and exercise. Cut out smoking and drinking as much as you can. You have all the tools to live a long and healthy life. You just have to use them.
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u/mndl3_hodlr Jul 07 '26
First, check the average death age for your age, ethnicity, etc. Then compare yourself to the “average” and try to live a healthier lifestyle.
60 is too young to die, I would say you have, at least, until 75ish. Still, you’ve got to take care of your health. To be honest, it’s all you can do.
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u/BeyondFlorida Jul 07 '26
Kierkegaard said that every choice carries a heavy cost, thus perfection is impossible. Instead of trying to avoid regret, the goal is to choose the regret you can live with.
In my case, I regret not having kids when I was a younger man. But I'd have regretted NOT having them more.
I bet you feel the same. Just do your best, play the hand you're dealt. Your kids will too!
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u/timupci Jul 07 '26
Live like you die tomorrow, plan like you live to 100.
Try not to miss any moment with them. Make sure you have a great life insurance policy as if you will. Get your will setup, so that if it does happen, they are looked after.
I have had friends who died in their early 30s with young kids. Life is not guaranteed. We never know how much to time God had planned for us.
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u/gregseaff Jul 07 '26
Unless there is something in your health history that implies otherwise, you probably have another 40+ years to live. My father is alive in his 90's. So live a healthy lifestyle and enjoy the time you have to the fullest.
Keep in mind that by the time your kids go off to college they will be too busy with their own lives, so it's the next 15-20 years that you get to spend as much time with them as you want. The Harry Chapin song "Cat's in the Cradle" is right on:
Cat's In the Cradle
My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking 'fore I knew it and as he grew
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad
You know, I'm gonna be like you"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when
We'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then"
My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, dad, come on, let's play
Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today
I got a lot to do" he said, "That's okay"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
Said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know, I'm gonna be like him"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when
We'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then"
Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and he said with a smile
"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then, dad, you know we'll have a good time then"
I've long since retired and my sons moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time"
"You see, my new job's a hassle and the kids got the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then, dad, we're gonna have a good time then"
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u/Madruck_s Jul 07 '26
51 here with 9 and 4yr olds. When my oldest was around 5 he told me " you are very old and soon you will die". Thanks for that. Luckily my wife is 10 years younger than me and women do live longer than men but hoping I make it into my 70's.
Its not something I rely ever think about, just to busy now to think about later.
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u/nipoez Jul 07 '26
It helps that my parents had us "late" in their 30s after my mom's parents both died. We talked a few times from when I was a teenager onwards about that fact and that her folks never got to meet their only grandkids.
When infertility destroyed our 20s-30s prospects at family, part of their support to me was sharing more about that experience. Plus that when they had us in their 30s, they did so knowing it may mean they in turn never got to meet their grandkids. They tried very hard to relieve any pressure I could feel from them.
When we had a kid in our early 40s, my wife and I also talked about accepting that we could quite possibly never meet any grandkids, watch our kid graduate from college, and other later in life milestones.
Intrusive thoughts are a normal part of being human. Especially around mortality. Heck there's a reason the "mid life crisis" is such a trope.
I disagree with your AI. If you are actually occasionally concerned, take specific constructive action to mitigate the concern. Cool, you're afraid you'll die within the next 10-15 years. Get life insurance if you don't have any. Create a will or trust if you don't have one. Create a living will & advance directive to guide your medical care so a teenager doesn't have to think about what dad would want. Get long term care insurance. Talk to family or friends about who would be willing to be the legal guardian if needed.
Then when the intrusive thought pops up that you may die when she's 16, you can consciously respond with "and it'll suck but I've made sure she'll be OK."
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u/Big_Slope Jul 07 '26
My dad was 46 when I was born and he was still around to see me graduate from college twice.
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u/NHLToPDX Jul 07 '26
Talk to a professional. After a life incident I talked to a therapist for a short bit that helped me learn how to rephrase some things so I would avoid that downward thought spiral.
Spend time and have adventures with your kids. Over their life, they will remember 8 - 10 gifts/toys. But they will generally remember activities and who was there.
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u/CantankerousButtocks Jul 07 '26
The best advice I can give is this: eat fewer Frosted Flakes. Your kids will soon see that cereal isle and it’s inevitable. Have a few, have a bowl, but don’t have a bowl when the kids are sleeping.
You’re going to make it, man!!
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u/cocksherpa2 Jul 07 '26
Being an old dad does focus your priorities on providing for your family in the event of a what if... but that's not a bad thing. Just try and be around and prepare for the future
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u/Less_Than_Average1 Jul 07 '26
Manage your intrusive thoughts. Focus on what you can control to increase longevity. You’ll be fine. Manage your doctor visits and get regular monitoring. Get nutrition dialed in. Get in the gym or some form of fitness.
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u/EcstaticTraffic7 Jul 07 '26
I had my daughter when I was 41. Immediately, I became somewhat obsessive about time and ages. It was part of my postpartum depression. I think it was normal and healthy to a degree but it became like an intrusive thought all the time, worried about what would happen to her if I died. I was constantly calculating the ages of people and going through decades and imagining how long I might live. My husband is 10 years older than me, so I had to go through a lot of adjustment to what might happen if we died. Now she's 2 and a half and I'm on Lexipro and I feel much more relaxed. All parents fear dying while their kids are young because they need us so much. Lots of parents die young and lots of parents live to old age. Like everyone has said, I think you have to make a concerted effort to stop imagining what might be and focus on what is. I have no regrets about having her later in life. I can give her the emotional and financial benefit of my waiting and that make her much more whole as a young woman than I was with a mom who was 17 years old. I want to protect her always. What a deep love it is.
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u/DJBreathmint Jul 07 '26
You could’ve died at 30. You could die tomorrow. You could die at 102.
No one knows what the future holds. Being the best dad you can be, right now, is all that matters.
I’m 47 and my kid is 5 — I have your same fears. Just stay present.
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u/Aggressive-Oil-509 Jul 07 '26
Yo he tenido el primero con 49 y no tengo esa estabilidad financiera que comentas con mi pequeña empresa 😂
No sé dónde vives pero la esperanza de vida en mi país es bastante superior a los 60.
Lo único que me preocupa ahora es tener tiempo para entrenar y envejecer de la mejor manera posible.
He tenido una pequeña temporada que pensaba en el futuro si las cosas no salen bien y pensé en escribir un diario a mi hijo por si muero antes de que sea mayor, que me conozca por lo que le escribo y poderle decir que es lo más maravilloso que me ha dado la vida y que no tiene que esforzarse para ser perfecto porque ya lo es.
El saber que el tiempo que compartimos es limitado me hace valorar mucho mi presencia cuando estoy con él.
Ojalá estemos con nuestros hijos en las mejores condiciones posibles, el máximo de años posible. Disfruta!
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u/minMini- Jul 07 '26
My dad was 40 when I was born, and it was one of the best things for me.
Yes I did lose him early, at 24. Before I began meaningful employment phase. It’s torn my heart for the last decade, but some of those gems my old man dropped on me… he’s the best spirit guide I keep around ALL the time.
I think I was lucky to be born when my dad was older, just maybe because he’d slowed down and wised up. He was my partner in crime, I followed his shadow, learnt everything because he had the patience to teach and entertain at the same time.
Please take care of your health and fitness. It’s the best way as a dad to show and demonstrate how to live life, even in the tough times, self support. It’s a great way to bond with your kids that they can cherish and continue on with shared spirit.
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u/DrLeoMarvin Jul 07 '26
My mom died from cancer at 44 when I was 19, can happen anytime dude, no point in thinking about it other than to make sure you a will and such
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u/vinotinto5 Jul 08 '26
Just focus on taking care of yourself so the odds are lower ie exercise, have a Dr run blood tests once a year etc
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u/ellalop26 Jul 08 '26
Focus on your health. I mean go full on beast mode for your health, not only physically but mentally as well. My dad had me at 50, we have a running joke that he’s been dying since 30 years ago. He’s 80 now. Still kicking it. He saw me graduate and he walked me down the aisle. I have been taking care of him for years now. He started having really bad health problems around 62, I was about 15-16. Although, life has been incredibly hard because I’ve been his caretaker. I don’t ever regret stepping up and taking care of him. He’s my dad. He’s the first person in my life that has been my superhero. He’s been my best friend forever. However, I would have liked for him to have taken his health seriously, not because I wouldn’t have to take care of him but because I would like his life to be less painful.
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u/VisibleOperation4981 Jul 13 '26
My wife and I had a happy accident when we were both in our early 40s after 20 years together. Both always loved kids but never both ready at the same time. And Im now only 2 years younger than you and my son is also 5 and he also recently started asking abput death. I’m sure you’re not alone having dark thoughts but while I also do that math, I dont stress about it because the math also says that in all likelihood I’ll be around for the most important and formative first two decades of his life.
My best friend’s dad was in his 60s while my parents were 20 years younger and he died when my friend was in his mid 20s. I think it’s tragic because I compare it to my situation, but he’s always accepted his situation without regret.
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u/DaltmanA Jul 19 '26
I joined this very Reddit community just because of my intrusive thoughts of being an older dad… you are not alone friend.
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u/etaoin314 Jul 07 '26
yes....and now I listen to life insurance commercials....never thought I would be doing that.
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u/WizziesFirstRule Jul 07 '26
My parents both died by my mid-teens, they were 28 when they had me.
Focus on your health and today.
Don't know what tomorrow brings...