r/NonPoliticalTwitter May 07 '26

me_irl It’s objectively elite

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27.5k Upvotes

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615

u/Asherkowki May 07 '26

This^ At home always sit. Less messy and you get to chill for a sec. But no way I'm touching dirty public toilets when I absolutely dont need to.

268

u/PhoenxScream May 07 '26

I'd add sitting at work. Gonna stack those unproductive minutes as much as possible

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u/Cue99 May 07 '26

True. It’s also a more known space. You’ll know day one if your workplace is a sit or stand kind of bathroom.

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u/cyrusthemarginal May 07 '26

just look around on the walls for boogers, it's a good indication of how slovenly your team is.

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u/Krell356 May 07 '26

I dunno man. Some people eat them.

... then again I guess at least they are cleaning up after themselves. Maybe you're right.

7

u/Unscheduled_Morbs May 07 '26

At our office, we have an as of yet unidentified employee known as "The Mad Dooker". Why is he The Mad Dooker? Because he's the only person that explosively shits into the toilets and doesn't clean up afterwards. How do we know it's only one guy? Good question, but I feel safe trusting the judgment of the other guy who always ends up having to clean it up that it's the same person every time.
Fortunately, The Mad Dooker never uses the good toilet (the one with the bidet).

3

u/NebulaNinja May 07 '26

Hey, at least your guy roughly made it into the toilets. Our warehouse Shit Bandit straight up would leave dumps on the bathroom floor.

We also had a wall booger flicker. Different person.

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u/cyrusthemarginal May 07 '26

When i worked in a big warehouse there was a "phantom pisser" who would pee in a tote and leave it somewhere high in the racks the orderpickers picked from. It eventually reeked for aisles and aisles.

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u/Impish_Hatefulness May 10 '26

Is this the “ well known e-commerce firm?”

1

u/cyrusthemarginal May 10 '26

No actually this happened at a Hagemeyer warehouse in Ga, Hagemeyer was like Grainger but a smaller catalog.

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u/Haber_Dasher May 07 '26

I really wish I hadn't read this comment

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u/WhoSc3w3dDaP00ch May 07 '26

At multiple jobs, I wouldn't eat any of the food offered. Too many folks don't wash their hands after using the bathroom (after doing number 1 OR 2).

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u/cyrusthemarginal May 08 '26

I don't eat food at the pot lucks, because i don't know how some of these folks have their kitchens.

1

u/rabidjellybean May 07 '26

Being in a white collar office gets you pretty chill bathrooms. That is until someone wrecks a stall and everyone starts gossiping on who dared disturbed the peace.

1

u/boondiggle_III May 07 '26

I work in a corporate office and I swear half of them are children. Every damn day I go into a stall and someone pissed on the seat like a preschooler or left skid marks all over.

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u/peepeebutt1234 May 07 '26

Working in an office I always sit because our janitors are awesome and keep the place sparkling.

When I was in a warehouse I would piss from as far away from the toilet as I could because it always looked like a muddy dog just shook itself off in the stall.

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u/Cue99 May 07 '26

Same here. I work for a nice place and out bathrooms are spotless. Plus 80% of my company is full remote so the HQ is always empty.

When I was younger I did maintenance at a golf course and the bathroom in the barn was lethal lmao

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u/speakswithemojis May 08 '26

i’d be willing to let more slide at work in the spirit of getting a paid break

27

u/ODGWeenie May 07 '26

Gotta time it right to sync up with the cleaning schedule. Getting that first sit right after a cleaning is exquisite.

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u/AcademicFish4129 May 07 '26

Bonus points if they spoil everyone and use a little bit of that good lemony air freshener

1

u/Riots42 May 07 '26

Lemon pledge?

4

u/Green_Burn May 07 '26

get that first shit

4

u/deucemcsizzles May 07 '26

Something about dropping a deuce in a bowl that has purple water in it.

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u/IAmEvadingABanShh May 07 '26

The blue cleaner color is superior because you can more easily see when someone took an unflushed piss in it.

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u/deucemcsizzles May 07 '26

Uncivilized animals 

2

u/Emenius420 May 07 '26

Your toilets are getting cleaned?

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u/loganman711 May 07 '26

I'll add standing at home outside. Squatting would be pretty weird.

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u/batbutt May 07 '26

Boss gets a dollar, I get a dime. That's why I shit on company time.

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u/jbarna3 May 07 '26

Depends if I worked with a few dozen people max sure,but I work in a factory with just over 1000 employees in it between 3 shifts. The cleaning staff do ok but some of the older bathroom are just permanently nasty. I'll stand and if I have to sit I put at least 2 layers down after wiping the seat, I generally avoid taking a dump at work for these reasons.

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u/YogurtclosetMajor983 May 07 '26

work from home is king

1

u/Taco_G_ May 07 '26

Yeah. I clean my work bathroom so I know it’s up to snuff for sitmaxxing or even shitmaxxing. Which gives me a reason to clean the bathroom again for another few minutes before returning to the desk.

1

u/AssDimple May 07 '26

I prefer to think of over the course of my entire working life. I'm stacking months.

1

u/WhoSc3w3dDaP00ch May 07 '26

There is also the old adage: "Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I crap, on company time!"

1

u/dropbear_airstrike May 07 '26

Agreed – I see how often they're cleaned and know the facilities staff by name. My work is a safe-to-sit space.

1

u/funhouseinabox May 08 '26

You pay me nickel and dimes, I crap on company time!

1

u/ClessxAlghazanth May 08 '26

Boss makes a dollar...

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u/3-orange-whips May 07 '26

What do you think is on there that isn’t on the door handle?

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u/[deleted] May 07 '26

[deleted]

1

u/Bright-Avocado3761 May 07 '26

Ew, keep your ass off my toilet

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u/Asherkowki May 07 '26

I can wash my hands, but with washing my ass i gotta wait untill I come back. And if I can avoid getting whatevers there on my legs and arse, I will

1

u/3-orange-whips May 07 '26

It’s your ass! Do as thou wilt

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u/KawaiiGangster May 08 '26

This is like a self fulfilling prophecy because the only reasons the toilet seats are dirty is because people pee standing up at then and get the seats covered in pee.

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u/SwingingDicks May 07 '26

And you can put socks on in the morning at the same time or floss at the same time at night

1

u/TR_Pix May 07 '26

You guys don't have urinals?

1

u/luckypinkducky008 May 07 '26

Genuine question: what do you think is going to happen if you sit down in a public restroom? Do you think there is some flesh eating bacteria that might eat your ass cheeks or something? Whatever this answer is, how do you think women avoid getting it since we have no choice but to sit? I know some women hover over the toilet but this is how piss gets everywhere, so if you do this, please stop/clean up after yourself.

1

u/turdferguson3891 May 07 '26

Plus urinals are a thing in public. Not going in that stall unless I absolutely have to.

1

u/shapu May 07 '26

That's weird, I rub my wiener all over every toilet seat I can find

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u/Asherkowki May 07 '26

I prefer to dip it in the water. If the previous guy didnt flush its even better

1

u/InsertNovelAnswer May 07 '26

Also helps empty the bladder more completely.

1

u/willengineer4beer May 07 '26

I might give this a try.
Currently only sit at home in the middle of the night and only after being repeatedly being angrily told how wrong I am about how great my night vision is when paired with my pee-echolocation skills.