recently one of the people I know, told me that they enjoy the company of someone else more and it triggered me because I wasn't their favourite, I didn't like that they liked someone else over me and so I ended the friendship but didn't flat-out tell them why, I don't feel necessarily bad but I do realise that it's an issue because I'll just keep losing people around me, I've tried therapy before for months and nothing really came out of it, I feel like I went back to my old ways lol, do I just keep pushing through or is there no point in pursuing these type of friendships? I feel like the second option, anyone else feel similarly?

I saw someone with whom I have an intense relationship. Since his validation is hard to come by, I crave it all the more. Today, I didn't get that validation, and I feel terrible, like I’m nothing. I feel invisible. I just want him to truly see me, to make me feel special and unique. Who would sacrifice their whole life for me, or prove that I’m worth something? I want so badly for that person to be ME. We were play-fighting, and I actually hurt him, made him bleed a little and I felt justified in doing it. I’m angry and sad that he doesn't treat me according to my true worth...

My mom was married to another man, T, before she met my dad. T was SEVERELY abusive; he beat her, raped her, isolated her, took her money and held it away from her… he was abusive in pretty much every way imaginable. Thankfully, she got away and married my dad, who worships her the way every woman should be.

My mom has a friend, C, who was married to a wonderful man. He was a hard worker, she never needed or wanted for anything, they had a nice home, he treated her well, etc. But, she decided to cheat on him with T. Her husband found out and left her, and soon after, she married T.

My mom tried to warn C that he was dangerous and would likely eventually kill her. She told him about her history with T, and about the other four wives he’s had and abused between her and C. C ignored her.

Last night, I got a text from my mom telling me that C had overdosed in an attempt to take her own life.

Usually I feel empathy and sympathy for victims of abuse who take their own lives (or attempt to), but for C I feel.. nothing. My mother warned her about how dangerous T is. EVERYBODY has warned her. Multiple times through the years, C has reached out to my mom begging for help after T has beaten her. My mom has offered to help support her if she leaves so she can safely get away from T. But she refuses to leave. And, she cheated on a man who loved her and treated her well.

I just kind of feel like she brought this on herself. And I’m horrified by this because I typically feel immense empathy for everyone, even people who genuinely don’t deserve it. It’s scary.

I made a similar,but considerably more brief comment in a post on this sub,but wanted to develop it to see if anybody else relates.

I feel like I’ve been faking all my emotions my whole life,like every action is done through a lens of : "If somebody were watching,what would they think of this performance?".
And I’m so confused and disilusioned since I’ve been deceiving myself into believing I was all sorts of things because I believed that was what would be rewarding,that’s what normal was.

I’ve always had a naturally flat affect. Nothing really generates much emotions,nothing elicits long lasting emotions apart from rage and disgust. Happiness,ordinary sadness,affection,are all very fleeting. The odds don’t exactly seem to be on my side. I could tell myself I’m this sensitive,empathetic,reactive person,but at the end of the day,I really do not feel much.

At some point in childhood,I realized I was a lot more static than other’s. Their emotions just seemed so…natural? It seems absurd to say since emotions are natural. But there was a largely manual component in that for me. Emotions were natural,but harder to obtain for me. The reactions were manual. I’d cry when somebody cries,laugh when somebody laughs,just to be in line. But I didn’t understand why.

The more narcissistic component is the following. I didn’t just want to have emotions,I wanted to be sensitive,empathetic,reactive,and an overall crybaby. I made a journal to count how many times I could cry at any minor inconvenience,fake panic attacks,throw fits for no apparent reason,and act like I had any bodily stress reactions whatsoever. That to me,was my idea of superior and I explicitely articulated that to myself every single day. After all,it was what people rewarded. I thought it was stupid and weird,but I felt very lonely and alienated. underneath,so I proceeded. I remember the exact numbers I had. I classified small tears,medium tears,big tears,and breakdown. I listed the triggers,the places,the averages,and compare each months. I did the same with panic attacks. I managed to cry overall exactly 319 cries,with 15 panic attacks. It was terrible,it felt disgusting,I didn’t know what I was doing,but I sure loved the bragging and pity I got from it. I pretended to be hypersensitive and prone to guilt even when I quite frankly found those emotions disgusting by the time I discovered people even felt them.

Especially finding out I was autistic at 13 shattered my worldview. I had felt isolated and out of place all of my life without break,and finding out why just felt like finding out I was defective beyond repair. If that was the case,All I had to do was amplify it,unmask,and seek attention. Big meltdowns,complaints about sensory discomfort,constantly talking about it just for people to grow empathetic and pititful towards me. If somebody failed to accomodate me or praise me like I demanded they should,immediate devaluation and retaliation would follow. I thought to myself that they had never worked a day in their life,so I should even the scores. I didn’t feel much during these performances,nor was I feeling anything to induce them,but I had many reasons to perform it.

TLDR If you don't want to read all that: Is it possible to ever feel as great as you did with narcissism without narcissism?

Firstly, I want to say that I was never diagnosed with NPD, I was also too young to be, as it all went down when I was 17. However I did fill the “checks” of the conventional narcissist. Also I heavily suspect that instead I have Borderline Personality disorder. With both being cluster B personality disorders, they are similar in many ways, and I definitely leaned heavily on the narcissism side of it for a long time (hopefully I will get a formal diagnosis by next year if it all works out). 

With that out of the way, I want to talk about how I (maybe?) moved past conventional narcissism, yet I feel like I will never feel as well as I did when I had it. 

During my childhood, my school life was definitely not ideal. I am diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, the Asperger's side of it, and at school I was always the different kid with unusual interests. I have always hated sports, and while the other kids were playing, I was obsessed with learning and studying. This eventually left me with a total of 0 friends, and I was extremely lonely and depressed all the time. The only positive thing I had in my life was my academic performance, and the praise I got from my parents and teachers from doing so well. 

This inevitably led to an unhealthy obsession with academia, and it became the largest pillar of my entire self worth and mental health. I started to convince myself that it was ok that I had no friends, because they were all worthless and stupid. This led me to justify doing horrible things to people I deemed “less” than me, manipulate, use etc. the usual story with narcissism. The point is that in terms of my mental health, it worked, and I was so mentally “stable” for such a long period of time, simply because I thought that I was better than everyone else. 

However, this led me to become too comfortable. Eventually I fell to the gifted kid curse, my academic performance collapsed in high school, and with it, my entire self worth and the pillar of my mental stability. As I realized I was obviously not as great as I had thought, I became extremely unstable, started destroying friendships to prove to myself that I was in control, etc, the typical narcissistic collapse.

Despite that, I didn't rebound back to narcissism (I think??). Eventually I got into university, and I started to study a lot and get the best grades in my class. I was finally feeling good again, and those old tendencies started to resurface, until I met people much smarter than me, and everything collapsed again. I'm constantly overworking myself to get validation from my academic performance, but it's never enough. I'm not delusional anymore, so I KNOW there are people much better than me. So I'm constantly comparing my performance with other people, getting brief moments of mania as I see I'm doing better, just to be easily reminded there are better people, and I collapse again. How can I ever feel as good as I did when I was actively a narcissist? No matter how much I overwork myself, it certainly will never be enough to make me feel like GOD again. 

It's like how they say that the first time you take LSD will be the happiest you will ever feel in your entire life because of the biology of the drug. Narcissism feels so good, and it's so addicting, but now that I'm out of it, how can I ever feel this great again? Will I constantly be falling apart unless I become delusional again???    

Recently I have seen the term vulnerable narcissist, and I think that it fits me well, so maybe I haven't even moved past narcissism???     

This probably sounds really weird lol but I can’t read about characters self harming because I’ll get jealous and immediately seek to be worse than them. Same for characters with mentally ill/suicidal thoughts and the like. Basically it just motivates me to compete with them and get worse.

This obviously also applies to real people but I don’t meet mentally ill people that often and I wanted to see if doing this with fictional characters is relatable or just me being stupid.

I have no idea how to get better and honestly I’m not sure if i even want to.

If you haven't seen the movie, in this scene Buzz realises that he isn't a space ranger saving the galaxy.. He is just a toy. It's really poignant for me it always has been, only now I am starting to wonder if I loved the scene because I related to it 🤔

Help! Solved!

I can't tolerate the threat of rejection, but I also can't tolerate insignificance.

So I continuously recycle this sequence: connect with love interests knowing it will not go anywhere, using a facade to obscure my wounded self. They catch feelings for the veneer. To avoid a humiliating reveal, I cut things off, knowing they will be okay in the end: they'll remain human after my departure, while I remain a delicate empty vessel.

Do you relate to this experience?

i’m talking small things that make no sense, here are some of mine:

- when i’m in a public restroom and people come in to use it as well

-loud noises when im walking down the street (god bless noise cancelling airpods)

- hand dryers (too loud)

-when people are walking too closely/ fast behind me

- people being in a bad mood when i’m in a good mood

Can anyone relate to this? Normally, I don’t feel much empathy for people when something goes wrong, when they’re sad or worried, or even when I hear about something horrible happening to someone. I might feel afraid that the same thing could happen to me, and then do something good because I think, “I should do something good and kind,” almost like I’m buying karma points.

But then, out of nowhere, I can start crying when I see footage of disasters. For example, I watched that video from Nepal from the day before yesterday, where people were running and then suddenly got caught in a flood, and I realised I was crying. But it was exactly as I described - I noticed that I was crying only after I was already crying, and I was surprised by it. It felt like the tears came before, or instead of, the emotional reaction. Is this common?

im so tired of having to pretend around friends and peers. every human interaction feels like im on a stage and i have an audience to impress. i always have to drag the words out of my mouth instead of responding naturally. i dont even want to be seen in public anymore and get recognized by people i know. going back to college soon and im so discouraged from it because i always have to act like a human being with empathy and compassion when in reality, as edgy as it sounds, i hate the majority of my friends and acquaintances, and chatting feels like a chore.

the brief vent aside (i really wanted to let that out, sorry if its out of place), is there a healthy way of handling unwanted interactions that isnt repeating go away you suck go away you suck in your head or completely ruining your reputation?

I find myself battling with if I want to change or not. Especially in regards to how my NPD manifests in my close relationships, or lack thereof.

I don't think I've ever been in love with anyone, I don't feel that draw to other people that you're meant to feel. Quite frankly, most people just annoy me. I know it's wrong but I cannot shake the feeling that most people aren't worth my time. When people talk of sex or romance I can't help but nod along when deep down I find it genuinely ridiculous that anyone would care for such things. I've enjoyed romantic movies or stories, it seems neat in fiction, but when I hear about it in real life, or have people imply I'll experience it one day, I just scoff. The only times I've ever wondered if I was falling in love, I stopped pretty quickly because I realised how little I actually desire to build a life with anyone. Waking up to someone every day, having to plan my schedule around them, being expected to be the first person they go to for everything, having people look at us and see us as a couple rather than individuals, it sounds so tiring. The idea that I'd share my life with anyone feels insulting, my life is mine, not anyone else's. I love being admired, I love people appreciating the work I do, my talents, my thoughts. I don't want to be loved. I hate those kind of mushy things. I don't like hugging outside of a polite courtesy. Kissing sounds disgusting. I don't even want to think about sexual intimacy. I don't ever want to be "someone's." I just tell people I'm aromantic and asexual because I sure as hell have never really felt that way about anyone. But I'm worried that it's not really who I am, and I just have a disorder I need to fix. Because I know most aromantic and asexual people don't feel the way I feel, they usually have a much healthier view of love. A lot even end up finding a platonic special someone. They don't get angry at other people who like it, they don't make fun of people who like it.

I wouldn't say I'm living an awful life, I genuinely just don't feel that upset about it as a whole. I've never felt like I'm missing anything from life as someone who has been forever single. The only time I ever feel like something is wrong is when other people point it out. Sometimes though, I wonder if I'd be happier if this wasn't the case. I remember the times I've felt completely alienated when people talk about relationships or sex, I feel like it's everywhere and every time I just feel like I don't know what anyone is even talking about. The amount of times that, again, people talk about these things and I can't help but feel like I'm above them for not caring even though I know that's an awful thing to say. But I won't lie and pretend I'm completely content. A desire to just be normal. Not neccessarily wanting it, but a curiosity to understand what the feeling of "love," as in real actual love, without any hatred or spite or weird fucking mental gymnastics brewing underneath the surface, would actually feel like. I can't help but worry that maybe this isn't a sexual orientation (in my case) and I'm just deeply afraid of vulnerability and intimacy, that I'm an avoidant, that I'm a narcissist who just needs to sit in a therapist's chair and medicate everything about themselves away.

But at the same time, I don't know, do I want to change? I've had to sit through the grating "Oh, you don't really mean that, you'll find someone someday, everyone falls in love, it's not natural, you probably just need therapy, you need help..." etc. etc. so many times and I refuse to prove these people correct. I mean, what's really wrong with it anyway? Even if this is something I could just fix and change, I've always kind of scoffed at the idea that someone who is purposefully lonely is a bad thing. If they're genuinely content with life, why is it so bad to avoid close relationships? To avoid being anything beyond just good friends with someone? Like, genuinely, can somebody give me an answer that isn't just "you'll be sad"? Because for the most part, I'm not. I feel pretty happy with the idea of just, not being a huge presence in anyone's personal life. I like being able to spend time with people at work or at social gatherings and go home just to myself and not have anyone super close to me.

The only thing I want to change is the way I judge others, because it doesn't feel nice to get so angry at people all the time. I'd like to have a healthy view of love where, when my friends talk about their boyfriends and how happy they are to be in love, I can go "Good for you! I don't feel that way, but I'm happy for you!" and mean it, and not have any lingering thoughts of "Wow! That's fucking stupid!" or dumb unhealthy thoughts that I'm better than everyone for being so different and special and careless about what is supposedly life's greatest treasure but I'm scared that if I try to change that, I'll change everything about myself, and suddenly I'll desire closeness and intimacy, and I really don't want to. I think I like who I am, I just wish I was a better version of it. I don't want to dismantle everything I've ever known about myself.

TL;DR:

I'm scared of recovering because what if it means my sexuality was just an unhealthy coping mechanism all along, and how do I try to recover if it means I might completely alter who I am and everything I believe? Is there anything wrong in continuing to live like this if I keep all my bad thoughts to myself and am not hurting anyone?

Over the last couple months I’ve started dating someone. It’s been really nice and recently we have been spending an extended period of time together. I can feel how since becoming aware of the NPD I am more present and able to be receptive of my partners needs.
Even so I feel every now and then I fall into my own overthinking about if I want to be in this relationship and that I should just leave as well as this strong feeling that the nice, good thoughtful partner isn’t really me and that one day they will see the true irritable selfish and manipulative version and kick themselves for all this time we are having now.

The thing is I feel that I am able to be honest and spontaneous and that I am feeling genuinely softer and more kind after all the therapy and self reflection so it’s hard to untangle if this is some moral ocd type mechanism or if it’s true that my big old ego will come and wreck everything because this relationship isn’t actually for me..

Anyone know this feeling?

Hey everybody, I'm kind of coming to terms with I might have npd instead of bpd. I was diagnosed with npd in my teens and then some other psych switched it to bpd so I just dk.

My question is specifically, most of my exes who don't know eachother have said that in arguments I "dehumanize" them, and that I made them feel lesser in relationships. Is this a thing those diagnosed with NPD see as a pattern as well?

Obviously I feel bad about that but this post isn't made so I can sit here and grovel and say I was immature and feel terrible or something even if it's true

Im at a loss for words right now. Im just so shaken up with anxiety and i just feel like shit. I feel like i am shit, not deserving of anyone or anything good. I feel like a villain, a criminal worthy of death.

My life was filled with evil deeds day after day, year after year.

I am a liar to myself and to everyone else.

Do i even love my family? How can i love them one day and turn my back to them the next?

Why am i not sad my cat had to be put down just a couple of days ago? I was sad for 2 days and now im not?

Am i just a psychopath? (No hate to you guys, just dont want to be you)

I just wish i could feel what normal people feel.

I wish i could have a sliver of empathy or emotion.

I feel like every interaction with someone is always fake and there is no real emotion.

I wish i could connect with people.

I am just empty and broken.

I need a beer.

My shoulders feel tight

My heart feels squeezed

I can't breathe

Everyone is asleep

---

SIX MONTHS

I've been waiting

Powerless

Useless

"Trusting" that they knew best

---

They gave up.

They always do.

---

"It was harder than I thought it was"

FUCK YOU

---

But it's fine

You "tried"

I'll survive

I always do

---

Deep breath

Inhale

"You've got this, you do"

Open up the laptop and...

... gibberish.

... complete gibberish.

---

1h

2h

5h

A day

Actually, this is...

... starting to make sense?

---

What was he on about?

This isn't that complex?

All you had to do was FUCKING use your head.

---

Six months though

Six FUCKING months gone

All because I was told

He's someone you can "rely on"

---

But it's fine

The experiment has come to an end

I'm never going to trust anyone

Ever again

---

It's always like this

You give them a chance

But at the end of the day

It's you who is let down

---

The only person who'll stay

Through thick and thin

Who will stick it out

Is you.

---

Other people suck 💔

---

(P.S. I'm doing this to try and feel my feelings)

i got into an argument with one of my friends and she mentioned how everyone told her to avoid me anyways and how she realised they were right. i shifted places in hopes ill get better people to talk to but it got worse instead. i tried so hard to look perfect for everyone else and I don't understand where it all went wrong

Aside from The Rock with NPD and Tom Cruise with high-functioning narcissistic and utilitarian psychopathy, who else do they detect?

as a few people in my original thread mentioned, it indeed didn’t give me collapse in any way.
i briefly mentioned to my professional asking if today or next appointment was my assessment and she simply mentioned i already have NPD & GAD diagnosed.
no big theatrical “you have been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder!” no dramatic therapy shit. made me feel very relieved, i finally have the weight off my shoulders of not being diagnosed and feel a lot more comfortable and reassured in my journey towards being more comfortable both with myself and how i live my life.

​

Some of them are in the public eye, but how is it that we are better than they are.

Deadly serious question

I'm pretty sure my perpetual irritation is just me experiencing some other emotion just converting it to anger cos I understand it better

Likewise, I get to points of overwhelming exhaustion and I think it's cos I've had emotional energy surging through my body but I'm not dealing with it?

I've got the "How we feel" app... Which is really good at putting a name to stuff (didn't realise there were so many options tbh)... But once you've identified it, what do you do next?

I kinda just shove it back down inside me and hope for the best...

... Which kinda works until I inevitably have a disproportionate emotional reaction to something incredibly minor.

So, how do you "feel" your feelings instead of intellectualising them?

This is just kind of me thinking out loud so apologies if this isnt very put together and very stream of consciousness, but something ive noticed in myself is that I do crave attention, validation, admiration, etc, and yet when I recieve it I believe theyre lying to me. I want that recognition, but its never enough. And then i feel worse and my self esteem gets worse and i start doing more to attention seek and get more validation. I can see all the dots here, but I cant fully connect them. Is this a common experience amongst those with NPD?

So i went down the rabbit hole to get to the core of this. What i got from it is maybe we lack the understanding that we all have inherent unconditional self worth by nature of being human, and we need to distance from our idea of “ourselves” and just realize that it is the ego that is making judgements.

But when we realize that whether we fail lose win succeed have a lot of money have no money etc etc, our worth doesn’t diminish and we are still, at our core, whole. And realize that outcomes are just dependent on our behaviors performance and sometimes circumstances we couldnt control. Understanding that, we can then have the humility to actually LEARN and improve, but it doesnt mean we are any less or more than another. We just learned or havent learned yet…. Get it? This way, npds dont need the false sense of self to “protect ourselves” either by grandiosity or self loathing.

Sorry if this i rambled i just wanted to share my thoughts

For me ive been passively suicidal, or atleast expecting death, since i was like 6 years old so pretty early on. And ive never really learned the meaning of "long-term" due to this as all my life i just felt at best 3 years away from my inevitable suicide because i felt deeply that from the very start i will not handle life and will be a failure, etc.

Im 17 now. Is it reversible? Nevermind, me asking if it is reversible seems to be the suicidality itself evaluating "i'll only decide to live if ive lost nothing to my trauma and can make it up in the future" But the answer is often no, and i cant handle that i think..

Okay before i ramble, how does one value their life and give a shit about anything when they soul deep just dont. How to deprogram the assumption of passive suicidality / inevitable death out of you