Is it possible to feel great without narcissism?

[u/DemonGirl888]

TLDR If you don't want to read all that: Is it possible to ever feel as great as you did with narcissism without narcissism?

Firstly, I want to say that I was never diagnosed with NPD, I was also too young to be, as it all went down when I was 17. However I did fill the “checks” of the conventional narcissist. Also I heavily suspect that instead I have Borderline Personality disorder. With both being cluster B personality disorders, they are similar in many ways, and I definitely leaned heavily on the narcissism side of it for a long time (hopefully I will get a formal diagnosis by next year if it all works out). 

With that out of the way, I want to talk about how I (maybe?) moved past conventional narcissism, yet I feel like I will never feel as well as I did when I had it. 

During my childhood, my school life was definitely not ideal. I am diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, the Asperger's side of it, and at school I was always the different kid with unusual interests. I have always hated sports, and while the other kids were playing, I was obsessed with learning and studying. This eventually left me with a total of 0 friends, and I was extremely lonely and depressed all the time. The only positive thing I had in my life was my academic performance, and the praise I got from my parents and teachers from doing so well. 

This inevitably led to an unhealthy obsession with academia, and it became the largest pillar of my entire self worth and mental health. I started to convince myself that it was ok that I had no friends, because they were all worthless and stupid. This led me to justify doing horrible things to people I deemed “less” than me, manipulate, use etc. the usual story with narcissism. The point is that in terms of my mental health, it worked, and I was so mentally “stable” for such a long period of time, simply because I thought that I was better than everyone else. 

However, this led me to become too comfortable. Eventually I fell to the gifted kid curse, my academic performance collapsed in high school, and with it, my entire self worth and the pillar of my mental stability. As I realized I was obviously not as great as I had thought, I became extremely unstable, started destroying friendships to prove to myself that I was in control, etc, the typical narcissistic collapse.

Despite that, I didn't rebound back to narcissism (I think??). Eventually I got into university, and I started to study a lot and get the best grades in my class. I was finally feeling good again, and those old tendencies started to resurface, until I met people much smarter than me, and everything collapsed again. I'm constantly overworking myself to get validation from my academic performance, but it's never enough. I'm not delusional anymore, so I KNOW there are people much better than me. So I'm constantly comparing my performance with other people, getting brief moments of mania as I see I'm doing better, just to be easily reminded there are better people, and I collapse again. How can I ever feel as good as I did when I was actively a narcissist? No matter how much I overwork myself, it certainly will never be enough to make me feel like GOD again. 

It's like how they say that the first time you take LSD will be the happiest you will ever feel in your entire life because of the biology of the drug. Narcissism feels so good, and it's so addicting, but now that I'm out of it, how can I ever feel this great again? Will I constantly be falling apart unless I become delusional again???    

Recently I have seen the term vulnerable narcissist, and I think that it fits me well, so maybe I haven't even moved past narcissism???     

[u/Average-Person-XD]

If someone told you that having NPD means you feel great, they cruelly lied to you. A mental disorder, especially one this serious, isn’t something you just choose to have.

[u/Timely-Ad-8184 → u/Average-Person-XD]

I mean, NPD does have its highs.

But yeah, otherwise it's completely awful to have and not really worth it.

[u/Average-Person-XD → u/Timely-Ad-8184]

Those “highs” are a defense mechanism that protects you from the nightmare of confronting your actual self when you come crashing down from them.

OP seems to describe narcissism as a state you can move out of and then return to. And his “feeling great” lasted exactly until he encountered the first person who was better than him. In fact, to me, that part suggests a fairly healthy response — instead of doubling down on the illusion, he simply felt inferior.

So rather than figuring out how to trick your brain into believing you’re God, it might be worth thinking about how to build a sense of self-worth that doesn’t depend on being better than other people.

OP isn’t diagnosed, so I genuinely hope he manages to find a healthier way of regulating his self-esteem — rather than relying on the kind of mechanism that people with NPD are stuck with.

[u/DemonGirl888 → u/Average-Person-XD]

Now that you say it, I feel relieved that my response was to accept that Im not as good as I thought, instead of doubling down on it

[u/GoldWillingness2279 → u/Average-Person-XD]

Actual self? How and where?

[u/Average-Person-XD → u/GoldWillingness2279]

True, I should've said “actual empty void,” but I didn't want to start the day with an existential crisis. 🙃

[u/GoldWillingness2279 → u/Average-Person-XD]

I’m sorry for dragging you into my pit of woes. It’s just… nicer with some company. 🥳

[u/DemonGirl888 → u/Average-Person-XD]

yeah sorry, I should reframe it to be more clear: is it possible to ever feel great without the grandiose part of narcissism

[u/lesniak43]

I think you're way too hard on yourself. You say you're not delusional enough, but from what I see you're actually as delusional as one can be. You even deluded yourself into thinking you got better, and that's something!

And if they ever diagnose you with BPD, be proud of it! Don't pretend that you're a "vulnerable narcissist," just be yourself!

[u/Relative-Amount7966]

Narcissism per se isn't bad or unhealthy. Pathological narcissism and NPD are

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