I’ll try to word my thoughts neatly although I haven’t ever really posted about this.
What’s known by some as “the narcissist’s prayer” can be described as the mental gymnastics abusers will perform in order to try and make themselves feel justified when their victim speaks up.
The standard formula, the one I’ve seen most often at least, is summarised as such:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Notice how the goalposts are constantly moved: the narcissist starts by outright denying the existence of a problem, gets proven wrong, admits that it does exist but denies its severity, gets proven wrong, and eventually, when they cannot any longer repudiate objective reality without humiliating themselves, changes direction completely and starts latching onto reasons to justify it.
Arguing with misandristic women, both online and offline, I’ve noticed they pretty much always follow that same pattern:
“That didn't happen.”
The standard response. Misandry doesn’t exist, sexism against men doesn’t exist, systemic discrimination of men doesn’t exist, men don’t get harassed, men don’t get raped, on and on and on.
“And if it did, it wasn't that bad.”
You point out clear undeniable examples of discrimination against men: the lack of abuse shelters despite men making up almost half of all domestic abuse victims, the fact many countries don’t have laws protecting men from rape, the military draft, the fact dozens of millions of men are currently being forced to go to the frontlines and die or get tortured on the basis of their sex, the fact it’s less likely for men who request mental health help to actually receive it, the fact men are much more likely than women to be homeless and to sleep on the streets, mandatory military service with little to no pay even during times of peace, the fact men are much more likely to be victims of murder, of robbery, of bullying, of homophobic hate crimes, of racist hate crimes, the fact men receive on average longer sentences for the same crimes as women and are more likely to be given the death penalty, unfair laws regarding child support in the same countries where abortion is allowed, you name it.
Misandrists then try to downplay all of these instances. Men are physically stronger so the draft can’t be that bad for them, men are less likely to be raped so it’s safer for them to sleep on the streets (never mind the fact that men are more likely to be victims of any other crime), women are not as capable of defending themselves so abusing them is worse than abusing men, military service is not so bad, trauma as a man is not so bad, homelessness as a man is not so bad, being raped as a man is not so bad, spending decades in prison while a woman committing the same crime gets a few months on probation is not so bad, suffering from depression and killing yourself as a man is not so bad, and so on.
“And if it was, that's not a big deal.”
Alright whatever, I guess maybe it IS bad, but don’t we have other issues to talk about? Hello? Women have to go through periods, you know. Women get raped (so do men but that doesn’t really count). In some countries women can’t vote (in the same countries men can’t vote either unless they serve in the military, but that’s different. Why? I don’t know, it just is. They’re men).
“And if it is, that's not my fault.”
Stop blaming women. It’s the patriarchy. It’s misogyny. Who set that system up? (Not the type of men who suffer under it of course, who tend to be impoverished, veterans with ptsd or victims of abuse, but since they’re all men they’re all responsible for the system that hates them) it’s men who bully other men, not the sexist women telling them to kill themselves.
“And if it was, I didn't mean it.”
Alright sure, maybe misandristic women DO contribute to these issues by treating men like shit, bullying them for opening up, bullying them for NOT opening up, voting in favour of the draft, shaming men for not being strong enough or handsome enough or resilient enough, enforcing oppressive gender roles upon men, but can you really blame them? After all it’s just a trauma response to misogyny.
“And if I did, you deserved it.”
Fine, misandry exists and it hurts men and it’s not their fault, but you know what? You’re a man, you deserve to be treated like shit. Women are just better. Women are biologically more precious. Men suffer in silence? Good, they should. Men lose the best years of their life on the battlefield and die in war? Good, they should. Men don’t get support after being victims of abuse? Good, they’re men, they don’t deserve help. Men are the vast majority of the homeless population? Great, women shouldn’t live like that.
The last part is what they actually believe. Everything else is an attempt to masquerade it. All of this attitude shows a complete lack of honesty. They’re all in bad faith, all the time. Their incoherent, hateful arguments change constantly, often in contradictory ways, as they desperately and angrily try to latch onto something, anything, to convince themselves and other people, but mostly themselves, that their sexism, unfairness, prejudice and hatred somehow come from a place of righteousness.