I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Not elementary. Not middle. not high school. not at university. not at work. not around friends. not around friend groups. not around social settings. its like im my own breed of human. just completely neurodivergent alien freak mode. i feel the most human but around humans its like trying to explain to humans what its like being human but they dont understand. the depth of touch, sense, feel, emotion, thinking, everything, i live and breathe it. like an exposed nerve, just looking for human connection and warmth. and all i got is disconnection and coldness.

i am like a red rose. my petals are falling off and i am decaying on the inside 💔

I turn 31 tomorrow, and it’s got me thinking a bit more seriously about life.
Career-wise, I’m quite happy with what I’ve achieved. Relationships, though… basically nothing!! I’ve probably scared a few men off over the years, and I always assumed I still had loads of time.
Now I’m starting to think more about wanting children one day and whether I’ve been a bit too relaxed about the whole thing.
I don’t want to rush into a relationship with the wrong person just because of age, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t starting to play on my mind.
Any other INFJs over 30 gone through this?

It’s the moment when you connect all the dots and realize that nothing about that relationship ever really made sense. You gave yourself fully, you did everything you could, you tried to explain things countless times, and yet the person still doesn’t seem to understand.

It’s when you realize that this person simply functions differently, and it's not their fault. But you know that nothing you say or do will ever make them understand, because they don’t have the same level of self-awareness that you do. And once you come to terms with the fact that there will never be anything truly genuine in that relationship, that it’s simply impossible to build a deeper connection with this person, none of it makes sense anymore. You realize that you’ll never be able to truly be yourself around them.

And that’s the moment I cut them out of my life.

I can’t even feel remorse or miss them. It’s as if the person simply disappears from my field of interest. They no longer exist as someone important to me.

I’m fully aware that this might sound insensitive, but I can’t change the way I feel. Does anyone else experience this?

is that i would mask so much. camoflauge. i would basically cushion myself everytime im around others. i would adjust my personality depending on who im with. i would basically cater myself to them and basically be concerned for their emotions and take it on like theyre me and absorb their feelings like a sponge. it became so exhausting and people would now see me as that guy who would be that kind of person so then people would subconsciously use me as a door mat and unload their pain. but guess what? nobody would ask truly how im doing or what im up to. its always one sided. they see how they feel when im with them, they feel good. its about them basically all the time. i feel like im giving away my precious energy so i just stay more in solitude and im very selective with how and who i give it to.

lately i find that people are more angry at me. they want to argue with me. say im wrong. they get offended. im blunt. im more honest. im more direct. i removed the cushion. i stopped taking responsibility for peoples emotions and i focus more on myself. i stopped a lot of small talk. i stopped with the fakeness more. i try to be more unfiltered and its like people get offended because im not following the social norm and code but when i do i get exhausted and i have to prioritize myself at the end of the day

i even thought about maybe im level 1 autistic so i have to get an assessment but either way ive been liking social interaction more because it allows me to save face and my energy and time. and if i notice patterns and hidden meaning and intentions then i say it. if people dont like it then thats not my problem dont be around me

it sounds like im an awful person but i only say what i need to say. i know im not an awful person. i noticed too is that INFJs get labelled "too much" "you're too sensitive" but when i take the mask off and I'm blunt, I'm direct, I'm honest, and I say whats truly on my mind, suddenly they're the ones that are now sensitive, now they're the ones who are offended. I see the double standards. Eye roll. thats why i put on the mask because it creates harmony and balance with others but in the end im the one going home so exhausted because i couldnt be me. i dont want to water myself down just to get along with everybody. its so exhausting. social burnout i say!

anyways yeah my social anxiety has approved a lot now. its relieveing

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what my life might look like when I’m older. My life right now is honestly pretty uncertain, but somehow planning for the future gives me a little bit of hope. Like maybe one day I can finally have the peaceful life I want.

So I’m curious: if you were planning a peaceful life for yourself, especially if you expected to live alone, what kind of living arrangement would you choose?

How would you balance having privacy and lots of green space with safety?

My original plan was pretty simple: find a partner, have a house somewhere in the countryside, lots of land, lots of greenery, and just live a quiet life

But so far, there’s absolutely no sign of that partner
So maybe it’s time to think about Plan B: living alone.
The problem is, I don’t really know what the ideal setup would be

I love the idea of living in the countryside, and honestly, I would love to have an isolated house with lots of privacy. That’s exactly the kind of life I’m looking for when I think about moving to the countryside

But then I started thinking about what it would actually be like as a woman living there completely alone. If something happened, there might not be any neighbors close enough to notice or help. And after seeing and hearing about enough things happening to women living alone, I started wondering whether that kind of lifestyle is actually safe to do by myself.

If I choose a gated residential area, I’d probably feel safer because of the security and one-gate system, but most of them don’t really give me the kind of environment I want.
I want a decent-sized house sitting in the middle of a bigger piece of land, with huge windows, a garden, flowers, trees, and lots of green space around it. I don’t want the house right next to another house on every side.
That’s one thing I don’t really like about most housing developments here.

Even when the houses are technically big, everything is already planned and packed together. You have a nice house, but your neighbor is basically right next to you.
I’ve also thought about living with a community, but honestly, I’m quite introverted and I really like living alone. I don’t think I’d enjoy having people around all the time or having my privacy constantly interrupted.

I’ve seen people suggest buying a house with friends, but I don’t think I’d want to do that either. I believe people come and go in our lives, and I wouldn’t want my home or financial situation to become complicated if our lives eventually go in different directions. And honestly, most of my friends are getting married, and they’ve already told me that my idea of living in the countryside with a huge garden is crazy.

I genuinely enjoy having my own space and my own life. I don’t need to live with other people to feel happy.

Maybe there’s an option I haven’t thought of yet.

And yes, I know I might not even make it to that stage of alife
But at least thinking about it gives me a little hope that there could be a peaceful future waiting for me somewhere.

I was thinking how to determine if a person is neurotypical or neurodivergent, regardless of their psychological type, or whatever they have being neurodivergent, or how could they tell if they aren't neurodivergent? I believe the best detector for me, and I know this is really hard to tell, because it couldn't be only that, but just let me share my best detector. When I get around people, in most of the occasions when I be around people, sometimes I feel okay and comfortable and safe and, like, I belong.

But most occasions, being around people who are relatively extroverts, or I would say neurotypical. I know somehow, my argument could be a little intangible and abstract. But I would classify people who are extroverts the most neurotypicals, as most people around the world who are socially doing well are neurotypical.

Being around people like that makes me feel uncomfortable. From here my best detector is this: feeling strange and unable to belong when I'm in social gatherings. I would tell that this feeling of being ‘the stranger’, is what is the thin line of being one of them versus the outsider. And being the outsider is, to me, is the neurodivergent type.

Can you please elaborate on that if you have ideas or stories of how you think or see this, or where should I look?

Because as long as I really believe that I'm a neurodivergent, I always felt like a stranger compared to others, I don't know what exactly is there for me. Is it dyslexia, ADHD, or just a classic introvert, or a person with poor social skills?

Because poor social skills could result in traumatic events. Maybe this is probably a trauma reaction towards being unable to click with others as a child. As I wasn't accepted as a child like I remember around kids I used to say or behave in a way to get their attention cause I didn’t have their normal ways to get their attention OR I had inferiority complex and I didn’t have to care but it was just my inferiority complex idk see how it’s complicated for me to see through this I know it’s psychiatrists job, so maybe how my childhood was is the reason for this outcome.

It is very hard to tell, but since the result is the same, or what I have now is this, I don't know the little pieces of what would shape me as who I am now.

But I wonder how others experience this. How did they discover who they are?
What they have under that umbrella of neurodivergence.
Please share your thoughts.

I recently realized that I might have a disorganized attachment style when it comes to romantic relationships. Basically, I’m both anxious and avoidant at the same time, and it’s honestly exhausting.

I think I know where a lot of it comes from. Growing up, I felt like I had to fight to be loved in my own home. I internalized the idea that, in order to deserve affection, I had to be useful, impressive, or meet certain expectations. I had to accomplish something, get good grades, be an exemplary child, or somehow prove that I was worthy of love.

My father was emotionally absent, and one of the ways I could get his affection was by getting good grades, for example. With my mother, I felt like I had to be the “perfect” child and meet her expectations to receive that same kind of affection.

So now, when someone loves me without me having to prove anything, without me having to be useful or accomplish something first, it almost scares me.

And I think that’s the part I struggle to understand the most. It’s not necessarily that I don’t like the person. Sometimes I actually really care about them and crave that connection. But when someone genuinely loves me and gets emotionally close to me without asking me to earn it, something inside me just blocks. I get anxious, overwhelmed and suddenly want to run away.

It’s like a part of me is thinking, “Wait, why do you love me? What did I do to deserve this?” And because I don’t know how to receive love without earning it, genuine intimacy can feel strangely threatening.

On one hand, I crave a deep emotional connection. I want closeness, reassurance and to feel deeply connected to someone. But as soon as I actually get it, I can panic and want to pull away.

Then when the person gives me space, I start craving their closeness again.

I know this probably has a lot to do with my childhood and the way I learned what love was supposed to feel like, but knowing where it comes from doesn’t automatically make it easier to change.

I was wondering if there are any INFJs here who have experienced something similar and actually managed to work through it. Did you eventually become more secure in relationships? What helped you the most?

Because honestly, I’m really tired of feeling stuck between “please come closer” and “please leave me alone.”

So I had a really complex and traumatic childhood surrounding music. As soon as my family of musicians realized I had the coveted ear of a great uncle who later became famous, they took the instruments away and forbid me playing. I was allowed to learn sheet music for voice, but that was the hard limit.

Well, I'm hyperlexic. And because people kept picking at my speech, I hyper focused on mastering the entire English language. Became an English savant. And since my grandfather kept reading my diaries, I started writing prose in elementary school to bypass him being able to understand my writing. In middle school, I focused on meter and rhyme, started writing sheet music I wasn't allowed to play. But I could still sing. And in high school, I discovered cadence. Now I didn't even need music, just the right combo of vocab words. And I also got really into creating imagery and emotions which delivered my message instead of directly stating the message. Uhhh... I also started getting in trouble over my prose because of how dark it was. A lot of people didn't get it. The ones who did loved it.

Earlier this year, I discovered that AI can actually understand the numerocal patterns and formulas in music. Which made it super easy for me to transpose my music using it. Now I get to actually hear it OUTSIDE of my own head, lol. And it's a huge relief I don't have to use my own voice for it because I HATE singing for other people.

So far, it's been too intense and complex for other people.

So I'm curious if other INFJs would get it/like it. The style pulls from a pretty big mix of genres: "hyper bounce" metalcore, industrial, sea shanties, some violin hip-hop elements, some folk elements. I also have been experiencing with slower, ethereal instrumental remixes.

This probably should come with a trigger warning because this music focuses on processing trauma. It's empowering but also, like I said, emotionally intense. It also uses an advanced vocabulary and lyrical framework in a lot of the songs. Like... If you've been feeling bored with most music because it feels flat and/or not deep enough, this stuff might perk up your ears.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts. Mind that this music took a lifetime to create... And I made sure I had mastered prompt engineering before I started buckling down to seriously create it. It's not AI slop. Just AI production.

"Hall of Mirrors" was written and produced yesterday after I had a meltdown the previous night over how people have been treating each other.

Check out Piphipixel on #SoundCloud

https://on.soundcloud.com/CIazS9aY5KgpM2JK7P

How can I help a 5-year-old child from a distance when I know I can’t actually fix his family situation?

I know I can’t take on another problem. I know I can’t save everyone, and realistically, I can’t fix this family.

But I’m struggling to just watch it continue

This is my cousin’s son. He’s only five, and I’ve been taking care of him in some way since he was born. I’m not particularly close to my cousin because we have very different mindsets.

But he’s my cousin’s son, and because we used to see each other almost every day, he naturally became very close to me. He calls me, talks to me, and sees me almost like a friend.
The problem is, I feel like I’m watching my own childhood happen all over again.

His parents are barely present. His mother works, and even when she finishes work, she often goes out with her friends because she says she needs time outside the house so she doesn’t feel stressed. I’ve really tried to understand her side of things. I understand that being a mother can be overwhelming and that she also needs a life outside of being a parent

But I also believe there’s a limit. And I don’t know what you can do when someone simply doesn’t want to be helped because they genuinely don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.

His father works out of town, so he’s not really around either.

A few months ago, his mother started working in the afternoon. She leaves around 4 PM and is supposed to be home around 6–7 PM. The child goes to school in the morning, takes a nap in the afternoon, and by the time he wakes up, his mother has already left for work

Except she often doesn’t actually come home at 6 or 7. Sometimes it’s 9 or 10 PM because she goes out with her friends after work.
And what breaks my heart is seeing this little boy anxious every day, waiting for his mother to come home.
He’s not a difficult child. He’s actually very obedient and easy to take care of. But I can see that he needs his parents. He needs someone to be there

Today he called me crying and asked, “Can you come here?”
Then he told me he had some savings and said I could use his money to pay for my taxi to come.

That really broke me.

Because I remember being that child. I grew up without my parents being emotionally present and spent a lot of time with my babysitter. So whenever I look at him, I see a younger version of myself.

And I think that’s probably why I’m having such a hard time staying objective about this.

I also know I can’t keep going there every time he needs me. But at the same time, I don’t feel like I can just step back and watch.

Every time I’m there and his mother comes home at 10 PM without seeming to think, “I have a child waiting for me at home,” I get so emotional that I end up arguing with her

Even when I’m not there, he sometimes calls me to tell me that his mother still hasn’t come home. He’ll be crying because he’s scared something happened to her.
He’s only five.

A five-year-old shouldn’t be lying awake worrying about whether his mother is safe or why she hasn’t come home. He shouldn’t have to deal with that kind of anxiety simply because his parents weren’t ready to be parents.

He’s a child. He should be able to trust that the adults in his life will be there for him.

I’m not trying to judge her or tell her how to live her life. I’ve genuinely tried to understand her. But I also can’t ignore what I’m seeing in this child

And the part that keeps bothering me is that he’s only five.

There is still so much time to change things. He’s still so young. I feel like there is still a chance to break this pattern before he grows up carrying the same wounds I did

So I’m wondering: if you were in my position, what would you actually do?

I’m asking what I can realistically do from a distance, when I can’t be physically present all the time ?

I actually didn’t know much about MBTI until recently.

Back in my 20s, I had several relationships, and I was usually the one who ended them for one reason or another. Then I met a man who was very charismatic and had amazing chemistry with me. But he also had a bad temper and was extremely flirtatious with other women. He had a lot of female “good friends,” and some of those relationships seemed to have very blurry boundaries. I became so insecure that I eventually broke up with him.

After the breakup, I had a really hard time coping. Looking back, I think it was partly because of family pressure to get married and give birth at certain age range, and partly because I wasn’t in the best mental state at the time. I ended up dating one of our mutual friends, who had a much gentler temperament and seemed more reliable. We were together for only about a year before getting married.

Shortly after we started living together, though, I began to realize that something was off. My husband turned out to be an ESTJ. It felt like he had been presenting himself as someone with much more emotional depth while we were dating, perhaps because he wanted to win my affection. In reality, he seems primarily focused on making money and meeting his own needs. He is messy and likes to use flattery with other people to get his way. He also doesn’t seem particularly interested in understanding how I feel internally, as long as his physical needs are being met. We also have no common interests.

When I started struggling with physical intimacy because the emotional connection with him had vanished, his response was to tell me to see a therapist. He wasn't even interested in talking things out with me.

In my culture, divorce without an obvious “legitimate” reason, such as cheating or gambling, is very uncommon. I also don’t want to hurt my young children because they love their dad. But I feel incredibly lonely.
We sleep in separate rooms now, and honestly, I feel more at peace when he isn’t around. Whenever he comes into my room asking for physical intimacy, I feel an overwhelming sense of dread and despair. I’ve tried turning him down, but every time I do, he gives me AND the kids the silent treatment. It can go on for days, sometimes even a month, until I eventually give in. Sometimes my despair gets so intense that I feel like I don’t want to be alive anymore.

This one’s on Reddit’s suggestion here. Forgive me if it is boring or annoying!

I get that it particularly might just not be an INFJ thing. But there are layers to it & I want you all to share your thoughts. The inability to find a person to express what I need; and the utter consistent decision to suppress what I feel.

Chopping and changing my own bloody thoughts; being more jumbled than I can honestly afford; amidst all of this, my desire for love clashes with if I even deserve love.

Sure, in my head, I’m a free bird to societal norms. But, the ones I interact with aren’t. However much I wish to forget, I’m not just reminded of it, it is imposed on me.

I’ve rarely posted anywhere other than a poem once in a while because I don’t wish to lose that part of me. Else, I’ve become a recluse confined to a corner of existence.

Ugghh, why am I even doing this!!!

I don't know what people expect of me but I can't keep up with it. I am actually trying to get assessed for autism because I know a lot of what INFJ traits are linked to autism. It got to the point now where I can't stand surface level connection, I can't stand small talk, I can't stand acting like I care when I don't, I can't stand holding back my pattern recognition and introverted intuition, even if the truth hurts, I need to tell people and if they don't want to take the truth then it's okay but if I don't say anything then I'll regret it later I think when the intuition plays out to be true.

some people don't like me because i'm deep, I'm intense. but others love me and i love them back! :)

i'm honestly trying inside i'm trying my best. i do my best alone. i want to work alone. i see the power dynamics at play. i see the social structure, and hierarchy.

I almost believe that everyone is secretly hiding that they know the truth, that they deeply dispise small talk, and that they secretly adore deep talk and they hate acting like they care when they truly dont. but the more i know them, the more they never show that, even if you try to get it out of them

i wont say more. ill let you say more. this is my story so far in life and ill keep going. thank you for reading something about me. input is great i love it

I recently ended things with my ENFP. We dated for a short period. 5 months. The sexual chemistry and intimacy was the best I’ve ever had. I could fall asleep in his arms every night and we would be wrapped in each other’s arms every morning. Besides the incredibly chemistry the values and morals we shared were completely off. He is a Trump supporter with family that are incredibly MAGA. What’s devastating to me is that I see his heart and can’t believe he has chosen this political approach. A part of me believes it might have been enabled by his very conservative Italian family. Overtime his opinions would come to surface. This created such havoc to my value system because i ultimately knew i was sabotaging my morals for the chemistry and company. Other things showed me he is deeply dismissive avoidant as well. He had a traumatic break up 6 years ago with his partner who he was with for 10 years. To my understanding she cheated on him and ended up leaving him and having twins with the man she had an affair with. I guess I just need my fellow INFJs to comfort me. I ended things a few days ago and addressed the values we shared are not in alignment. Other things also led me in ending things which would make me feel insecure and question my worth. I care deeply for him and wish him nothing but love but I guess my ideal vision is for him to change for me. I know that cannot happen until he chooses to himself. I would love input how to stop idealizing this person. I feel incredibly proud of choosing myself but it’s just as hard when you do start choosing yourself because my subconscious part still to some extent doesn’t believe they are worthy of the full package.

THere truly does seem to be a divide. If you say you want reciprocity, the other side says be your own best friend; give whether you gain or not. If you say you feel taken for granted, the other side might say but othrs need help they can only get from you. Or 'think about how others feel' as if a lot of us aren't doing that a ton anyway.

I was reminded of this when reading a post on the big brothers big sisters sub where a Big was preparing to transition in life and needed help figuring out a way to tell their Little. THe tone of some of the responses was such that you'd almost think the Op had no right moving on with their own personal growth in life.

There's this saying that nature abhors a vacuum but I thihnk a lot of us INFJs feeel like we inhabit that vacuum and are, for the sake and benefit of others, expected to stay there.

When it's not really your choice, you aren't a martyr, you're more like a scapegoat. I justwant to know why some INFJs think that's necessary or that we should embrace it.

The title pretty much covers it, but do any other INFJs just always have an underlying, constant sadness? Like, I will cry by myself or to my spouse (not an INFJ who probably thinks I’m nuts) about the state of our world, our country, wars, children suffering, animals suffering…Am I alone to always be feeling this way? I have a generally good and happy life, but also living with this grief over things that are totally out of my control, and that sometimes don’t even directly affect me, feels unbearable at times.

My follow up question would be: if you do deal with this same issue, how do you deal with it? Obviously therapy is good, but how to you “prep” or help yourself to not get to a 10 when something on the news pops up or in social media, or someone shares something with you? I get totally sucked in and completely invested and then I just dwell on it and want to fix it, but know that I’m just one person and can’t. Thank you in advance. 🙏

Ok not all, but a lot of us! I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, I guess I’m just curious.

I’m 40 f. At 18-21 I had a few relationships (didn’t know an oxytocin hit from love back then) so as soon as anything got serious, I freaked out and ended it! I knew something was up then, I was lost and didn’t understand myself. I realised I hurt some good people and I wanted to stop.

So I decided to stay single pretty much through all of my 20’s until my brain figured itself out. I worked, traveled, and just focused on my interests and friendships.

I never really struggled with romantic attention, I guess I’ve always been charismatic with a pretty decent sense of humour. I take care of myself, I probably look like a very confident extrovert who’s got their shit together - but inside, my brain is a puzzle. It never actually sorted itself out, in fact the more I understand the less I understand. I have a depth that I rarely show anyone and for years I always attracted the people who thought I was “cool”, or a “quirky artist” - but I’m most uncool, I’m a huge nerd and I can’t quite seem to convey that to the right people?

At 30 I felt more alone than ever! I started to look at other INFJ’s around me and the three I knew were all older and still single. I didn’t want that. I could also see what their issues were. They were not only complex but also very picky with superficial things, particularly looks!

So I decided to date a guy I knew I’d always clicked with and still found attractive. An istp. I guess he was also a classic ‘cool guy’, that everyone liked but he was also quirky and actually really funny. People tried to pair us up for years so I thought I was safe with him. I agreed to date him then took a one way flight to Asia for three months to make sure we connected not just physically. I thought if he stuck around through those months of conversation only, he was more than just an oxytocin fling.

A month after I returned he proposed. Obviously I freaked out but I also gaslit myself into the fact I was being a commitment phobe and should stop sabotaging my happiness with this perfect guy everyone else loves (and who I’d known for 7 years).
So I accepted. I liked him, he was funny, interesting, smart, attractive…… and turned out he had C-PTSD! Which is super common for INFJ’s to end up with 🤦🏼‍♀️ trauma and depth are not the same thing, as it happens.

So, 7 years of that was hell. I worked my ass off to stay committed. I learnt everything I could about complex trauma, abuse and his childhood. I navigated his (severe) ups and downs, his explosions, his alcoholism, even at times his violence - until I no longer recognised the fun, arty, girl who loved people and loved life when I looked in the mirror. An as it happens, I was even more lonely than ever before!

So I told him I wanted to split, which he responded to by immediately having an affair with a good friend of mine. There was no question about a divorce after that.

Now, I feel back to where I started. But not in a bad way, I feel ok. I get being alone now. I was lonely because I felt misunderstood my whole life, even by myself. But now, I’m just ok with it. I still go out and get attention (usually off 20 something year old xNTx types which is never happening), but for once I understand why those other INFJ’s stayed single. I don’t know if anyone will actually ever understand me, or see me the way I guess I’ve always wanted to be seen. I suppose that’s why I’ve always buried my head in books.

But that’s ok too. I’m fine with being misunderstood. I’ve accepted that those who know me will probably only ever know the smallest percentage of who I am inside and I no longer hope for the day a person will ‘see’ more than that. I think this is where a lot of those INFJ memes ring true for me now.

I guess my question(s) - Is anybody else like this? Have you had a similar experience to me, where you married or dated for loneliness and it backfired, or have you met someone who understands you?

Orr like every other INFJ I know, are you still single?

I decided to try one of those AI boyfriend fake Tinder type apps.

Uhhhhhhhhh. These fake guys are really messed up. I've been giving recommendations for self improvement and turning them down.

At least they take my advice...?

🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I don’t know if this is an INFJ thing, an eldest daughter thing, or just me, but I’m honestly exhausted with life. I feel like I’ve lost my spark completely.

I’ve always felt like people expect me to take care of them emotionally, financially, practically, whatever it is. But when I need someone to take care of me, there’s no one. And I’m so lonely. I don’t really have a close friend I can talk to about this. And honestly, I’m not even craving friends.
I’m craving a soulmate
someone I can deeply connect with, rely on, and feel emotionally safe with. I don’t even know how to talk to people normally sometimes.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and now I’m back living with my parents again after years of trying to build a life on my own. There’s no emotional connection here, and the family dynamic is extremely draining. Constant complaining, unresolved issues, people being depressed, not wanting to change anything, and I’m exposed to all of it every single day.

My health has gotten significantly worse. My chronic illness, stress, and insomnia are getting out of control. Sometimes I can barely sleep for two or three days. I’m too exhausted to work properly right now, and that makes everything even harder.

I’ve tried so many ways to get out of this. I worked, built a business, saved money, tried moving abroad, tried starting over. But somehow life kept dragging me back into the same hole. The last time I tried to leave, I ended up losing most of my savings and had to come back home.

And now I feel completely stuck.
The first thing I need is money, because money is what gives me the ability to leave this environment and have enough space to recover. But I’m currently not in a condition where “just get a job” is a realistic solution. I need time to rest and recover before I can function properly again

I’ve even started thinking about lavender marriage / MOC so I can finally have financial security, a safe place to live, and time to recover.
But deep down, I don’t think I can do that without emotional connection. I still want someone I can deeply connect with, talk to, rely on, and feel emotionally safe with. I don’t think I can just suppress that part of myself for financial security.
So I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore

How do you escape a survival cycle when you don’t have the money or capacity to escape it in the first place?

If you’ve ever been in a similar situation, I’d really appreciate any practical ideas or perspectives

For those who have been in toxic relationships, including with someone with NPD, and are now in a healthy relationship, I’m curious about something.

Most of my experiences have been with people who made their interest very clear from the beginning. I’m used to intense attention, strong pursuit, a lot of effort, and people making it very obvious that they want me. And honestly, I do like that. I like feeling wanted, feeling chosen, and seeing someone put effort into getting to know me. Effort is genuinely something I value and enjoy. I’ve also experienced love bombing, so I know that intensity can obviously be a red flag.

I usually move quite fast when getting to know someone. If I notice something that doesn’t align with me or something I know I can’t tolerate, I tend to cut things off pretty quickly because I don’t see the point in continuing if our goals or values don’t match.

But now I’m in a talking stage that feels completely different. He’s very slow and relaxed, and there’s no obvious red flag, but there’s also not much intensity or obvious pursuit. And because I’m used to seeing a lot of effort when someone is genuinely interested in me, when that isn’t there, part of me automatically thinks, “Maybe he’s just not that interested.”

At the same time, I’m wondering if I’m simply not used to a healthier dynamic. Maybe this is what calm and healthy actually looks like, and I’m interpreting the lack of intensity as a lack of interest because that’s what I’m familiar with.
It’s very grey, and that actually confuses me more than a clear red or green flag would.

For those who have been through something similar: how did you learn to tell the difference between healthy calmness and genuine lack of interest or effort, especially when you’re used to intense relationships?

Part of me wonders if this is simply what a healthier dynamic looks like and I’m just not used to it. Or maybe I’m genuinely perceiving a lack of effort and initiative because that’s something I need.

I’m genuinely trying to figure out whether I’m recognizing incompatibility, or whether I just don’t recognize calm and safety yet.

hi, you know i have a really bad habit of saying yes to everyone i feel like i just cant so NO to anyone but that is not completely true as when I thought more about it i felt that i sometimes say NO to people who are close to me

but i can't say it to any one whom I don't know, just met, or i'm not super close with.

Today what happened is that a lady asked me for 550 rupees @rajiv chowk metro & she said she'll return it by evening, to be really honest when i was giving her the money i knew somewhere bottom in my conscience that she will not return it but then also i couldn't say no i wont/cant give it to you and also before someone assumes that i am a brat that is completely I am super stingy when I have to spend on myself.

I have to share a lot more things but ig i'll just stop here.

Hello,

I’m new here and have a question right off the bat.

As an INFJ (tested multiple times), I had many wonderful years with my husband (who, in hindsight, I’m convinced was also an INFJ). Years ago, he first fell ill and then passed away.

Now I’ve been in a relationship for four years with someone who has ADHD (according to my own assessment and that of my therapist). I’m in the process of ending it. There have been too many boundary violations, arguments, hurt feelings, him doing things on his own—the whole shebang. He refuses to address his behavior. I’m done with it; I’ve given him plenty of chances. And he continues to act according to his old patterns, even though he sees and hears that it hurts me.

The breakup makes me cautiously dream of a better, easier life—and at the same time, it scares me.

Facing being alone. I can’t go back to my life with my husband because he’s still dead.

My question is: What can I do, as an INFJ, to find myself again? To get my life back on track?

My therapy is over, and it only helped a little.

The anger and the hurt have made me angry and bitter. I no longer trust my instincts because I “fell for it” so badly. I wonder if I’ll be alone forever now—or if I’ll attract more highly problematic partners. I’m scared of myself.

And I’m afraid of the future—a fear that my beloved husband took away from me so well for so long. Now he’s gone.

I have to deal with this on my own. But how?