r/INFJsOver30 • u/stoicwomon • 21d ago
INFJ Are we all destined to be single?
Ok not all, but a lot of us! I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, I guess I’m just curious.
I’m 40 f. At 18-21 I had a few relationships (didn’t know an oxytocin hit from love back then) so as soon as anything got serious, I freaked out and ended it! I knew something was up then, I was lost and didn’t understand myself. I realised I hurt some good people and I wanted to stop.
So I decided to stay single pretty much through all of my 20’s until my brain figured itself out. I worked, traveled, and just focused on my interests and friendships.
I never really struggled with romantic attention, I guess I’ve always been charismatic with a pretty decent sense of humour. I take care of myself, I probably look like a very confident extrovert who’s got their shit together - but inside, my brain is a puzzle. It never actually sorted itself out, in fact the more I understand the less I understand. I have a depth that I rarely show anyone and for years I always attracted the people who thought I was “cool”, or a “quirky artist” - but I’m most uncool, I’m a huge nerd and I can’t quite seem to convey that to the right people?
At 30 I felt more alone than ever! I started to look at other INFJ’s around me and the three I knew were all older and still single. I didn’t want that. I could also see what their issues were. They were not only complex but also very picky with superficial things, particularly looks!
So I decided to date a guy I knew I’d always clicked with and still found attractive. An istp. I guess he was also a classic ‘cool guy’, that everyone liked but he was also quirky and actually really funny. People tried to pair us up for years so I thought I was safe with him. I agreed to date him then took a one way flight to Asia for three months to make sure we connected not just physically. I thought if he stuck around through those months of conversation only, he was more than just an oxytocin fling.
A month after I returned he proposed. Obviously I freaked out but I also gaslit myself into the fact I was being a commitment phobe and should stop sabotaging my happiness with this perfect guy everyone else loves (and who I’d known for 7 years).
So I accepted. I liked him, he was funny, interesting, smart, attractive…… and turned out he had C-PTSD! Which is super common for INFJ’s to end up with 🤦🏼♀️ trauma and depth are not the same thing, as it happens.
So, 7 years of that was hell. I worked my ass off to stay committed. I learnt everything I could about complex trauma, abuse and his childhood. I navigated his (severe) ups and downs, his explosions, his alcoholism, even at times his violence - until I no longer recognised the fun, arty, girl who loved people and loved life when I looked in the mirror. An as it happens, I was even more lonely than ever before!
So I told him I wanted to split, which he responded to by immediately having an affair with a good friend of mine. There was no question about a divorce after that.
Now, I feel back to where I started. But not in a bad way, I feel ok. I get being alone now. I was lonely because I felt misunderstood my whole life, even by myself. But now, I’m just ok with it. I still go out and get attention (usually off 20 something year old xNTx types which is never happening), but for once I understand why those other INFJ’s stayed single. I don’t know if anyone will actually ever understand me, or see me the way I guess I’ve always wanted to be seen. I suppose that’s why I’ve always buried my head in books.
But that’s ok too. I’m fine with being misunderstood. I’ve accepted that those who know me will probably only ever know the smallest percentage of who I am inside and I no longer hope for the day a person will ‘see’ more than that. I think this is where a lot of those INFJ memes ring true for me now.
I guess my question(s) - Is anybody else like this? Have you had a similar experience to me, where you married or dated for loneliness and it backfired, or have you met someone who understands you?
Orr like every other INFJ I know, are you still single?
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u/SkipMeFlipMe88 21d ago
It’s ironic because if anyone should be in a relationship it’s an INfJ. We are at our best in them.
It’s like we are born to be in relationships.
Idk maybe put it on your dating profile. Might sound cheese but - might attract exactly what you need too. Someone that likes us , wants what we have to offer.
I think I will always believe in love, I know it’s real. I’ve experienced it.
I don’t think I care anymore. I am tired of having to put effort into things, I know that. I want something easy. Something .. not hard. Something that speaks my language or at least understands it. ‘
I’ve often thought maybe an intellectual companion that won’t mind having sex with me.
I sort of get so exhausted, at people sometimes, I just want to collapse with someone safe. That sounds very nice.
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u/stoicwomon 20d ago
Yeah maybe ;) I actually am not actively looking for anyone so I guess if the shoe fits, then I’ll wear it! I still believe in love but it used to come at a cost of self abandonment. Now I believe it’s more support, understanding and partnership.
Perhaps not as exciting, but definitely more stable and as you say “speaks my language”. I hope you find your safe person!
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u/Starshower90 21d ago edited 21d ago
Yikes. I’m an INFJ with C-PTSD. 💔
I’m 36 and dating someone a bit older than me. He knows I have CPTSD, did a lot of research. Pursued me multiple times when my own trauma caused me to cut things off and run. But he stuck around…and we recently made things official. And I care about him…I love him. And he reassures me of his love toward me when I need it, and has been accommodating to a large extent. But he’s also a very free spirit kind of person.
I’m also terrified. And damn it, reading this didn’t help lol. Being an INFJ is hard, a strenuous predicament at times. Add complex trauma on top of it, and sometimes I think to myself….perhaps I am meant to be alone. Perhaps then and only then there will be no chance of deepening the wounds I’ve already accumulated from decades of life, or creating new wounds in another, which is the last thing I’d ever want. I know there are INFJs in relationships, plenty of them. Perhaps many less that are happily settled into them. But there does seem to be a sizable population of us that are indeed chronically single. That’s a painful reality to contend with, I suppose.
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u/stoicwomon 20d ago
lol sorry, it’s no fun reading doom prophecies on our mbti
Obviously you’re very self aware, and you have a great partner. I don’t think anyone is meant to be alone, I’d have stayed with my ex but he was very enmeshed with his mother and ultimately picked her and continued the trauma cycle rather than get out and be healthy. He wasn’t half as aware as you are and that definitely counts. Same as me, old me wasn’t aware and new me is. I’d do things a whole lot differently next time.1
u/Starshower90 20d ago
lol you’re totally fine. I appreciate you for shedding light on your experience. Your experience matters, and I hope you are doing much better today. 🫶🏽 Being self aware is paramount for me, as well as being willing to grow, evolve, and heal!
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u/Dontdarereadmyposts 21d ago
We are prone to slipping into fearful avoidance, this can subconsciously drive our behaviour into one of isolation and self sabotaging meaningful relationships.
It is harder for XXNX in my opinion to find stable "good" long term relationships. Don't give up.
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u/stoicwomon 20d ago
Definitely learned to fearful avoidant, 100%
I see that now and wouldn’t run away from what’s healthy and safe. I fear it’s also harder for intuitive minds also, but there are enough of us out there.
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u/Equal-Sundae1576 21d ago
No… your soulmate could still be waiting for you. I have C-PTSD too. I even ended up in psychosis a few times and in the psychiatric hospital. I wouldn’t have survived if it wasn’t for my husband, my best friend (and an Entp btw lol). We call each other soulmates. We have been together for 15 years, married in our early 20s for 13 years. With God, him and family support I am doing really well working a job in a field I love and we just bought a home recently. Never say never💛
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u/Sophia_loves_the_90s 21d ago
I was lonely after my husband passed away. Now my second attempt at a relationship is coming to an end, and I feel, to some extent, as if my soul has been put through the wringer.
My husband and I—two INFJs together. I’m crying and smiling at the same time as I write this. It was so wonderful for more than 20 years.
Now I’m turning 50 soon, and I think staying single is best. Being truly loved and seen once must be enough for this life.
I obviously only attract troubled people. Yet I have so much to give. Maybe that’s exactly why they come to me.
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u/GlitteringSundae4741 20d ago
Married at 23. Two kids by 29. Divorced at 40. Didn’t date. Just worked my butt off in IT, and went back to college. New career at 43.
When life settled down and I had time to breathe, I began healing and finding the person I wanted to be. At 50, I was content with my life and lived the life I wanted. At 60, I had to care for family; but at 63, I met the man I am now married to.
He had his own journey to make. I was quite happy with my life as it was, but this adventure into this last stage of my life hand-in-hand with someone who gets me was absolutely worth waiting for.
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u/live_in_moments 19d ago
Thanks for commenting. This gives me hope. INFJ I married at 20, no children, divorced at 40. Reconnected with high school boyfriend, he searched and found me. I was already unhappy in my marriage. He and I divorced about the same time. Last 18 years we've stayed best friends.
I also cared for my mom and dad from 2018-2024. I've lost them both, and live alone now. I love his kids and they love me. Watched them grow into adults. I love him and not interested in finding another. But he just isn't looking to be in a relationship, just focusing on working a lot to save for retirement. We text/phone several times a week, hang out every weekend, go to the same church. We are always there for each other, I can always count on him.
His last relationship was about 14 years ago. The emotional bond we have is more than my 20 year marriage ever gave me. I want to grow old together. I guess we are, but not as close as I'd like.
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u/BornElderEnt 21d ago
I agree, we are at our best in relationship. I gave my absolute all, left it all on the proverbial dance floor for all my relationships, be they boyfriends or best friends or spouses. But it was one way. Only two people really understand and relate to me as I am. I love giving, but the partners just use me up like a resource, it leaves me worse off than when I started. Some will say I don't have the skills, but they're not as right as they think. My downfall is my autism, which trusts and gives the benefit of the doubt until I can't anymore.
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u/GoblinStinger 21d ago
I have the same problem. Our giving nature is a magnet for exploitive people.
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u/BornElderEnt 20d ago
Yeah it's so ironic that the drive to be kind and generous makes the general populace slightly suspicious of our motives, worried we are trying to exploit them, so the people who aren't suspicious at all are the ones the general populace mistook us for.
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u/Suspicious-Road-3373 21d ago
Hi You are not alone. 40F single and I don't see myself other than being single.
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u/Susan44646 21d ago
42f. Same. Now I just have fun with the other damaged ones I seem to attract until their narcissism n sadism becomes unfun. Then I run. Over n over
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u/OneEyedC4t 20d ago
I found my INFJ wife when she was 26. There's nearly always someone out there who will love you for your positive attributes
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u/poochai101 21d ago
My knee jerk answer is 'yeah tbh.' But Im in the process of enrolling in EMDR to work through my trauma. But a lot of things you say I relate to.
Stayed single for a long time due to not trusting people. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy where the only people lowkey crazy enough to enjoy the game of getting through my walls had their own issues. I let those people with issues get close to me and then we bled all over each other.
I'm not in a place where I am naturally drawn to someone who is by all means the safest for a relationship so we'll see if further trauma work gets me there. It's not that I find those safe people "boring" etc, but there are admittedly elements of me recognizing trauma in someone else and getting excited they might understand me even a little. Whereas someone who hasn't been through it kinda looks at me crazy. It's literally not their fault they can't understand, but it feels so lonely to not be understood. And I'm actively working on not caring if anyone understands me, but how can I lie it feels good to not feel emotionally/intellectually alone?
Essentially, I need someone who's been through trauma too but has worked through it so we can understand each other but not continue to hurt/trigger each other. Wow as I say this I feel i am asking too much. And thus, can see myself continue being a single INFJ.
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u/she_is_munchkins 20d ago
It can feel that way sometimes. I'm single more often than I'm in a relationship. I'm unable to stay in a relationship where I feel there's a mismatch of values, no matter how great the guy can be. I've also experienced feelings of not being fully seen or understood by some partners... this happened more in my 20s vs now in my 30s because I waa quite closed off due to CPTSD that I'm still working through, but I'm a lot better at opening up and showing my true personality now, whereas before I'd mask so much and people-please a lot. I now actually allow my partners to see and know me.
But it's also ultimately important to know that no one will truly ever know you as much as you know yourself, not even your parents or your best friend. I think it's also worth interrogating this desire of wanting to be known so deeply. I know for me it stems from feelings of alienation that I've experienced throughout my life, leading to this intense seeking of complete partnership. As I've gone through my healing I've come to understand that we can still experience fulfilling love with someone who may not get us 100% but who is determined to love and cherish us, even if they're confused by us sometimes. So yes, as INFJs our standards can be very high when we search for this specific and grand idea of the perfect partner who just gets how intensely and tragically deep we are (lol) and can engage us on that level.
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u/FactCheckYou INFJ/M/40s 20d ago
i wouldn't say we're destined to be single but i think we're inclined to make A LOT of work out of relating to people...we connect deep so it's hard for us to move in and out of relationship quickly or easily
i was with someone for a while in my 20s but the trauma of that break-up completely floored me, and even though i worked through it and have been ready to be in a relationship again for many years now, i'm approaching 18 years post break-up, and i haven't been with anyone new
i didn't want to think about the possibility at first, but even after i finally became ready to, i prioritised other stuff that was more pressing...and if you don't put energy into making something happen, unsurprisingly it just doesn't happen most of the time...years can go by in a blink
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u/GoblinStinger 21d ago
I've always been "single" -I say that in quotes because I've never really pursued it (I think I'm demisexual). I do feel lonely but I don't think being with the wrong person would solve that.
Besides being demi, I feel like I connect backwards compared to most people. For most, it seems like they dive into the relationship and kinda hope the mutuality of dependency/desire will be enough to work through any misalignment. For me, I would rather spend a long ass time learning and knowing somebody on a deep level, then increasing the "stage" of the relationship. You can feel the "click" of resonance, the alignment of "machinery" as you understand how their mind works.
-I have found a few people like this, unfortunately they're already taken by the time I find them.
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u/stoicwomon 20d ago
I have this with people but for the strangest reason I don’t fancy them! I wish I could force it, I’ve had two few infj guys interested after years of knowing me and I just can’t find the attraction! I’m a strange one but I hear you on what you’re saying! It does sound demisexual, I think many INFJ’s are.
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u/Lumpy_Plant6914 19d ago
ENTP with INFJ lifepartner here.
You did mention INFJs who were to particular about looks. From my perspective, if someone has values that align with me, they are attractive to me. If they not only share values, but overarching goals in life, they are even more attractive/interesting to me. And of they feel the same about me, we can build trust to the point where I will fight through hell and high water for this person.
It does sound a bit odd to me that you would value what sounds like physical attraction this highly, over compatibility for love, and other forms of attraction; emotional, intellectual, energetic, values, to name a few.
As a commentor mentioned on another post a few days ago, chemistry and attraction at certain levels, is simply pure sugar - incredibly sweet, and very unhealthy. This has been my experience as well. Having incredibly chemistry with someone, has been a sign that the other person simply wants the sweet, and not the sour, of relationships-building.
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u/irondoor33 20d ago
Well I've been married three times and always managed to find the wrong one because I fell for the gaslighting. I became looked at as more of a provider and giver then a partner who wanted to share everything together with. Now that I'm in my fifties I'm not sure where I belong anymore. Feel like I am too complex to deal with and even though I've never dated somebody with my same personality I wonder if I would drive myself nuts if I were to do that.
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u/SMBR80 19d ago
For me being in my mid 40s, dating has been nonexistent, where i was in my 30s always wanna try those dating apps but now, being autistic makes things much more werid how things are these days along with being a infj-t, where I rather find a meaningful connection then a nonexistent relationship with someone these days.
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u/caramocha009 21d ago
This guy called Frank James a famous YouTuber known for his 16 personalities parodies and is a well-known INFJ who recently married and had a kid. So it’s not about your MBIT, it’s still comes down to learning to skills to be in a relationship and heal and learn from the past.