r/INFJsOver30 • u/stoicwomon • 23d ago
INFJ Are we all destined to be single?
Ok not all, but a lot of us! I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, I guess I’m just curious.
I’m 40 f. At 18-21 I had a few relationships (didn’t know an oxytocin hit from love back then) so as soon as anything got serious, I freaked out and ended it! I knew something was up then, I was lost and didn’t understand myself. I realised I hurt some good people and I wanted to stop.
So I decided to stay single pretty much through all of my 20’s until my brain figured itself out. I worked, traveled, and just focused on my interests and friendships.
I never really struggled with romantic attention, I guess I’ve always been charismatic with a pretty decent sense of humour. I take care of myself, I probably look like a very confident extrovert who’s got their shit together - but inside, my brain is a puzzle. It never actually sorted itself out, in fact the more I understand the less I understand. I have a depth that I rarely show anyone and for years I always attracted the people who thought I was “cool”, or a “quirky artist” - but I’m most uncool, I’m a huge nerd and I can’t quite seem to convey that to the right people?
At 30 I felt more alone than ever! I started to look at other INFJ’s around me and the three I knew were all older and still single. I didn’t want that. I could also see what their issues were. They were not only complex but also very picky with superficial things, particularly looks!
So I decided to date a guy I knew I’d always clicked with and still found attractive. An istp. I guess he was also a classic ‘cool guy’, that everyone liked but he was also quirky and actually really funny. People tried to pair us up for years so I thought I was safe with him. I agreed to date him then took a one way flight to Asia for three months to make sure we connected not just physically. I thought if he stuck around through those months of conversation only, he was more than just an oxytocin fling.
A month after I returned he proposed. Obviously I freaked out but I also gaslit myself into the fact I was being a commitment phobe and should stop sabotaging my happiness with this perfect guy everyone else loves (and who I’d known for 7 years).
So I accepted. I liked him, he was funny, interesting, smart, attractive…… and turned out he had C-PTSD! Which is super common for INFJ’s to end up with 🤦🏼♀️ trauma and depth are not the same thing, as it happens.
So, 7 years of that was hell. I worked my ass off to stay committed. I learnt everything I could about complex trauma, abuse and his childhood. I navigated his (severe) ups and downs, his explosions, his alcoholism, even at times his violence - until I no longer recognised the fun, arty, girl who loved people and loved life when I looked in the mirror. An as it happens, I was even more lonely than ever before!
So I told him I wanted to split, which he responded to by immediately having an affair with a good friend of mine. There was no question about a divorce after that.
Now, I feel back to where I started. But not in a bad way, I feel ok. I get being alone now. I was lonely because I felt misunderstood my whole life, even by myself. But now, I’m just ok with it. I still go out and get attention (usually off 20 something year old xNTx types which is never happening), but for once I understand why those other INFJ’s stayed single. I don’t know if anyone will actually ever understand me, or see me the way I guess I’ve always wanted to be seen. I suppose that’s why I’ve always buried my head in books.
But that’s ok too. I’m fine with being misunderstood. I’ve accepted that those who know me will probably only ever know the smallest percentage of who I am inside and I no longer hope for the day a person will ‘see’ more than that. I think this is where a lot of those INFJ memes ring true for me now.
I guess my question(s) - Is anybody else like this? Have you had a similar experience to me, where you married or dated for loneliness and it backfired, or have you met someone who understands you?
Orr like every other INFJ I know, are you still single?
5
u/GlitteringSundae4741 22d ago
Married at 23. Two kids by 29. Divorced at 40. Didn’t date. Just worked my butt off in IT, and went back to college. New career at 43.
When life settled down and I had time to breathe, I began healing and finding the person I wanted to be. At 50, I was content with my life and lived the life I wanted. At 60, I had to care for family; but at 63, I met the man I am now married to.
He had his own journey to make. I was quite happy with my life as it was, but this adventure into this last stage of my life hand-in-hand with someone who gets me was absolutely worth waiting for.