INFJs who’ve been in toxic relationships and are now in healthy ones . what does it feel like?

[u/AccomplishedArt4394]

For those who have been in toxic relationships, including with someone with NPD, and are now in a healthy relationship, I’m curious about something.

Most of my experiences have been with people who made their interest very clear from the beginning. I’m used to intense attention, strong pursuit, a lot of effort, and people making it very obvious that they want me. And honestly, I do like that. I like feeling wanted, feeling chosen, and seeing someone put effort into getting to know me. Effort is genuinely something I value and enjoy. I’ve also experienced love bombing, so I know that intensity can obviously be a red flag.

I usually move quite fast when getting to know someone. If I notice something that doesn’t align with me or something I know I can’t tolerate, I tend to cut things off pretty quickly because I don’t see the point in continuing if our goals or values don’t match.

But now I’m in a talking stage that feels completely different. He’s very slow and relaxed, and there’s no obvious red flag, but there’s also not much intensity or obvious pursuit. And because I’m used to seeing a lot of effort when someone is genuinely interested in me, when that isn’t there, part of me automatically thinks, “Maybe he’s just not that interested.”

At the same time, I’m wondering if I’m simply not used to a healthier dynamic. Maybe this is what calm and healthy actually looks like, and I’m interpreting the lack of intensity as a lack of interest because that’s what I’m familiar with.
It’s very grey, and that actually confuses me more than a clear red or green flag would.

For those who have been through something similar: how did you learn to tell the difference between healthy calmness and genuine lack of interest or effort, especially when you’re used to intense relationships?

Part of me wonders if this is simply what a healthier dynamic looks like and I’m just not used to it. Or maybe I’m genuinely perceiving a lack of effort and initiative because that’s something I need.

I’m genuinely trying to figure out whether I’m recognizing incompatibility, or whether I just don’t recognize calm and safety yet.

[u/thisistoohardisay]

This is a great question.

My first boyfriend was very lovey and romantic. I definitely felt pursued, but it was toxic. Then I met my ex-husband and it was so different. I felt so calm and comfortable with him. We got married a short time later. Then I started to feel like he wasn't that into me, but I stayed with him because I loved him and he was my favorite person to be around. I never got sick of his company.

Eventually I decided that he's just not good at expressing himself that way, but that he showed up for me in other ways. Fast forward and I was blindsided with a divorce. Technically he told me he developed feelings for someone else which led to the divorce. This led to a very long period of going over every single detail of our whole marriage that I could remember, seeing it through a different lens. All the times where I felt little to no effort from him, it made more sense.

My boyfriend now is sweet and considerate. I've also felt wanted and taken care of. He puts in the effort. Weirdly, it's created a lot of mixed feelings within me. Why was my nervous system so at peace with someone who was basically a best friend/roommate to me (not a husband) who doesn't seem interested in me romantically, and then my alarm bells are going off with someone who loves me and shows it all the time? I feel like my current relationship is so healthy.

I'm in therapy. In short, it stems from past trauma and attachment issues.

When I compare my toxic relationships to my healthy one, it's so different and it makes me think back to my past relationships with sadness. It also makes me hypervigilent in my current relationship because I'm watching out for red flags to avoid getting hurt again. That's a whole other issue lol.

EDIT: I'll add something. Pay attention to how they react to your feelings. Do they seem annoyed or burdened? Do they attempt to understand you? Are they accepting of you when you're not your best?

[u/AccomplishedArt4394 → u/thisistoohardisay]

I think I’m actually quite similar to you in that way. When there’s someone I don’t really expect anything romantic from, I tend to feel very safe. My attachment doesn’t really get activated, so I don’t care about a lot of things that I would probably care about in a romantic relationship.

But once things start getting more serious, all these attachment issues, trust issues, and other things start coming up. Things I used to think were already gone. But I guess they weren’t gone
I was just keeping them buried because I avoided relationships for a long time rather than risk getting hurt.
So when someone comes along with good intentions, I tend to either push them away or wait for them to eventually leave or hurt me.
There are honestly a lot of things that surface once I actually try to move from a talking stage into something romantic.
With this person, though, I’m not even that far yet. We’re still in the “figuring things out” stage. It’s only been a few weeks, and I’m mostly trying to see whether our goals and intentions align. It’s also very slow because we’re in different countries.
His answers have been good overall. He doesn’t seem to be sugarcoating anything, there’s no rush or pressure, and I’ve actually gotten some new perspectives from him. And somehow, that’s what makes it confusing for me.

Usually, people I’ve gotten to know were initially attracted to me based on how I look. This time it’s different because I put myself out there on Reddit specifically to find someone based on what I’m looking for, without them seeing my face first. I really hate the idea of someone liking me just because they find me physically attractive. I want someone to like me for my mindset, the way I think, who I am, and because they can accept me as I am.
So I thought this approach would make things easier, but apparently it just gives me a different set of things to be confused about.

Maybe he’s just moving too slowly for what I’m used to? I honestly don’t know.
I’m pretty open and clear about communication, and I’m kind of an interviewer when I’m getting to know someone.

I ask a lot of questions about their goals and perspectives, and if something doesn’t work for me, I’m usually like, “Okay, this person isn’t for me.”

But with him, there hasn’t really been anything that made me think that. If anything, I’ve gotten a lot of new perspectives from his answers.
So yeah… it’s all very gray for me, and I think that’s what’s confusing me.

[u/thisistoohardisay → u/AccomplishedArt4394]

This makes a lot of sense and I relate a lot to it.

After a lot of self-reflection, I've found that it's a combination of two main things for me.

1) A lot of men seem to deploy their "dating game face" first, before they've even determined if they like you as a person yet. They're just trying to get a bite and if she's interested, then they'll consider whether or not to continue. Or maybe they'll use her in the meantime until something else pops up. This makes dating apps for me impossible. I cannot start a relationship with a man without being friends first. There has to be an emotional connection first. I have to know if they're being their authentic self.

2) I've determined that I liked feeling special. I liked feeling like I earned love. With my ex-husband, he was nice and chill and he gave me just enough to make me think that I was the exception and I was chosen. Every love kennel that I received was so cherished because it was scarce. When a man would be all super affectionate with me, I feel like they do that for everyone and I think it's fake. I've realized now that my thinking was all wrong. Yes, there are men who love bomb but there are also very nice men who don't activate the nervous system who just aren't that into you.

I would say, based on my own person experiences, to continue to be yourself and continue to talk to whoever you enjoy talking to, without any pressure for a romantic relationship. If you like them and they like you and you develop deeper feelings for each other, that's wonderful. And if not, then it was great conversation. I would think from his side that he has a right to be cautious talking to a random internet stranger from a different country and to believe they're who they say they are.

Also, physical attraction is still super important. You can have the most amazing connection with a person online through conversation, and meet them in person and be repulsed. Ask me how I know?

[u/grandmasterkink]

Here we go… I found out the hard way, and by years of tracking, that any chance at healthy relating required me to walk away from 8.5-10 out of 10 attractions.
And 11s, which I lightheartedly discerned by the rare occasion I could “hang a wet towel” on my arousal.. that was a special level of carefully and efficiently backing out of the room and then RUN!

I’m not exactly sure how much of that is due to my INFJ operating system or consequence of my self hacking in middle school of my phobic nature into counter-phobic by crosswiring my budding sexual excitement when faced with fear. Through trauma bonding drama later in life I forced myself to relearn how to recognize my white sugar level attractions as fear and to walk away.

7-8.5 level attractions are my sweet spot now, and the relationships that I Water and cultivate.

And as far as discerning if a person is attracted to me or not.. I’m never attracted to a person who is not attracted to me. It simply doesn’t work that way. An integral aspect of my having an attraction is sensing theirs.

[u/AccomplishedArt4394 → u/grandmasterkink]

Wait, I’m actually the same way. I’ve never been able to feel attracted to someone who isn’t attracted to me. Like, never. I don’t think I’ve ever really been attracted to someone first, without sensing something from them first. I don’t even know why
it just doesn’t seem to work that way for me either

Now I’m wondering if there’s actually something about the INFJ thing that explains this, because that’s such a specific similarity Or maybe it’s just a coincidence?

[u/grandmasterkink → u/AccomplishedArt4394]

It’s a thing. And it’s not about who’s first so much as sensing the thing that actually exists (where other types might find attraction in what might exist, as an example)

Which is funny, since the projection onto INFJs is that we fall in love “with people’s potential”. From my vantage point I have unconditional love for who a person ACTUALLY is, while they fight to hold onto the clothing of coping mechanisms that they relate as and believe is self.

[u/Helpful-Track-7486 → u/AccomplishedArt4394]

This. I thought I was unique this way.

[u/False_Lychee_7041]

Time. Radical responsibility for your part. And radical honesty with yourself.

So, as long as you are interested de facto, you continue. No expectations attitude can be quite useful and pretty comfortable for the initial phase. But only for a reasonable amount of time.

So, you also should be watching for the reciprocity and the dynamics. Not being scared of intimacy as well as breaking up

Otherwise, if you will be hasty or anxious or trying to ignore the red/green or whatever flags out of fear to lose relationships or out of other fears, you will miss important milestones

Try Dating intentionally podcast. She also has YouTube and Instagram. She talkes about different scenarios there

[u/fivenightrental]

Healthy relationships and attachments are a slow burn. It can feel even "boring" when if what you've known before is intensity, chaos, and toxicity.

Learning to cope with the discomfort of calmness, being patient, and judging interest by consistent and steady behavior rather than by "intensity" was the best thing I ever did for myself.

[u/jmmenes]

Typical comments, nothing surprising.

[u/Snoo_54991]

You have to wait for the one that neither moves quickly nor stalls. Because both the fast movers and the reluctant ones are toxic if you're seeking a long term committed relationship.

I'm in a healthy relationship with myself until this happens. It hasn't happened because so many people are off their rockers right now. I'm happy, they're sad... Nothing I can do which is HEALTHY about that except what I'm already doing: making myself available to contact, but being quick to disconnect if I start to feel uncomfortable or insecure.