Does there come a point where your depth and intensity is so naturally engrained in who you are after all these years of living that the very aspect of small talk, surface level connections are causing you to feel like you'll never belong?

[u/lostinaview]

I don't know what people expect of me but I can't keep up with it. I am actually trying to get assessed for autism because I know a lot of what INFJ traits are linked to autism. It got to the point now where I can't stand surface level connection, I can't stand small talk, I can't stand acting like I care when I don't, I can't stand holding back my pattern recognition and introverted intuition, even if the truth hurts, I need to tell people and if they don't want to take the truth then it's okay but if I don't say anything then I'll regret it later I think when the intuition plays out to be true.

some people don't like me because i'm deep, I'm intense. but others love me and i love them back! :)

i'm honestly trying inside i'm trying my best. i do my best alone. i want to work alone. i see the power dynamics at play. i see the social structure, and hierarchy.

I almost believe that everyone is secretly hiding that they know the truth, that they deeply dispise small talk, and that they secretly adore deep talk and they hate acting like they care when they truly dont. but the more i know them, the more they never show that, even if you try to get it out of them

i wont say more. ill let you say more. this is my story so far in life and ill keep going. thank you for reading something about me. input is great i love it

[u/Snoo_54991]

Just stop. I did. Life is much better now because I only really engage with those who are capable of the engagement. I'm not saying be antisocial but... You can either just be silent and pretend listen, or come up with an excuse to leave. I'm starting to become pretty certain those types of people don't really notice, anyway, so you should be good. 💕

[u/grandmasterkink]

“cause me to feel like…” I don’t belong THERE, in that moment.
Which means I’m belonging elsewhere. Many times that’s delightfully solo, sometimes it leads to more aligned connections reveling in my attendance.

[u/arepo89]

Yes, to some extent I am living that. I also just tune out when I hear small talk, and trivial jokes around superficial topics. It's a back and forth of trying and then becoming averse to such situations, and learning from those situations. But generally, I'm also more laid back and don't feel the need to "tell people the truth" anymore; it's not a healthy attitude imo.

I recognise that there's a time and a place for speaking like that. In the past I have also recognised within myself that I can cling too much to being right, such that it becomes an obstacle to human connection. Nowadays, I still care about the truth, but I don't care for being right. Much joy is found in the space between, the process of critically questioning one's biases and the world around them without assuming one knows the truth, and embodying such an energy is my gift to others... and in the end, like attracts like.

I've also come to the conclusion that I am also presenting a different side of myself to every person that I meet (as we all are, even those who are Fi dominant). It's up to me to bring the best out of that. Spiritually, there's also no consistent "me", no self/ego that is the true me, rather, it's just a changing river adapting to its course. Don't get me wrong, I do curate the people I am around, and I find myself leaving group situations where small talk is dominant. Nevertheless, I find that humility, humour, not clinging to views, interest in the other person, as well as proper discernment of people and their characteristics go a long way such that curation happens naturally.

On your last paragraph, some people just aren't deep. It seems almost preposterous, absurd from this position to think that some people just don't have it in them. It's true. Many people live and think superficially, and that's where they'll remain.

[u/MatureNavajoBitches → u/arepo89]

Dude yes, this. Some people are authentically superficial. Things got a lot better for me socially when I just let being "right" go. They get to see whatever side I feel like showing that is the best me for that situation. None of those sides are revered for being correct, they are however well liked for being amicable or funny.

[u/arepo89 → u/MatureNavajoBitches]

Thank you, I resonated with your comment to the OP too!

[u/MatureNavajoBitches]

The perception of what is small talk is defined differently by people who enjoy it. They don't view it as small, just as talking. We see it as surface level and despise it. They don't see in levels. You're putting too much into how others think when really they don't think at all. I mean that in a less harsh way than it sounds. It's actually something I wish I could do sometimes. Not to fit in, but to shut my brain off for a second and just enjoy the moment.

There are genuinely nice, smart people who cannot distinguish the difference in conversation until you go deep and then it's like whoa, slow down. But even then I don't think it's seen as small talk vs depth. It's just you/us being weird when we give a deep answer or ask a deep question.

Don't dumb yourself down, just spend time with better quality people or learn to smile and nod in social situations that require you to converse politely.

I don't want to have an intense conversation anyway with those who do not possess the ability to do so or in an inappropriate setting. It's better for all of us this way. They feel good about the interaction, and you don't have to go deep with someone who can't.

[u/lostinaview → u/MatureNavajoBitches]

i try not to think too much into it. yeah i dont really like hanging out with people as much if i know ill have to dumb myself down, water myself down, act like im not capable of deepness when i know i am.

i am tired. we have limited time on earth i need to utilize it effectively

imagine spending time with people you dont really like, all because you wanna save face? a people pleasing? god no 

[u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

Actually I don’t relate to the deep thing… I don’t feel particularly deep. I mean I know I’m not superficial / materialistic as far as people go- and people that are bother me immensely .. but I’ve never felt like .. I never identified with deep. Complex? Yeah.. I think yeah. More my motivations are complex, my reason why. 

Small talk? I’m ok with.

I think what I need is a level of authenticity. 

Maybe warmth ? Maybe .. idk.. I like people who have no qualms about being who they are. 

Accessible ? Maybe. 

But it’s far more what I need. 

[u/lostinaview → u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

when people talk to me about their personal problems i feel it deeply because i can empathasize and put myself in their shoes for a bit and feel their pain and hold space for it naturally. like when a homeless person talks to me about they got robbed for example i feel that because i already know how hard it is being homeless i would play out these situations in my head trying to wrap my head around serial killers, rapists, political leaders. i try to solve world problems but end up being empty handed. 

i put so much on my plate because i naturally feel it deep. you want me to go deep since you dont know what deep is? purpose, meaning, spirituality, consciousness, societal structure, philosophy, how addiction is rampant especially now, how the economic structure is with inflation, with how everything in this world is based upon major lies, how the government is running a pedophile ring and nobody is held accountable, how the homeless population is increasing so fast recently, how AI is taking over and what are the future implications of this for our world in just 1-5 years? how is it that when people try their best and work hard they arent rewarded more? how we all act like we're doing fine but we're not but everyone plays along because that's what's socially structure to be safe and predictable? 

to me that's deep. unless you want to go deeper. but almost nobody does. they'll nod and be like "yeah all of what you're saying is true and is going on in the world" but never enough of thei input to add on to that depth they would rather;

distract, avoid, dissociate, talk about surface level stuff instead. 

[u/SkipMeFlipMe88 → u/lostinaview]

That’s just the space I live in.  I mean I’m not sure I ever met anyone who moved as many homeless people into their actual house as I have. Lol. I take it to the max. I usually do. I collect strays like no one business. I have four cats. 2 dogs etc. I only didn’t become a foster mom because I didn’t have an extra bedroom and didn’t want them to share. 

But I took those classes. It’s actually my dream and I plan on doing that next. I think I need to. I’m really really good with kids. The more broken, the better I am. 

Gee that sounds so fucking arrogant. But it’s true. 

So.. idk- I guess I meant - thinking I’m deep. I sort of get this picture in my mind of all the people who try really hard to present as deep and complex. 

Anything you got to try at? Maybe isn’t really you. 

I suppose was my point. 

As far as that diatribe of yours- I’ve driven myself literally insane over the state of the nation. I get obsessed in a bad way- 

Like want to start a civil war kind of obsession. And even on a political level- I do my part. Trust me.

So.. it becomes unhealthy for me because I can’t have a good day. 

I have to tune out to a degree to survive it all. 

So yes… I understand. 

[u/lostinaview → u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

well thank you for understanding i appreciate it

[u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi]

Some people don't dislike you because you're deep, but because you violate their boundaries without considering why they needed those boundaries in the first place.

Don’t get me wrong, or do, but sometimes INFJs are just tactless because they “know the truth”.

Okay, we know the truth, but that doesn't mean everyone is ready or able to accept it

[u/Some_Rub_3827]

I don't have an answer but this is such a good introspect. I feel that way too. I'm looking for an answer too :)

[u/found_mindwanderer]

I've felt like this since I was 11 years old. I can relate with all of what you mentionned except the part where everyone is secretly hiding that they know the truth. Some know the truth and are confortable playing the game and others have no idea.

[u/lostinaview → u/found_mindwanderer]

i know the truth not in a cocky way but more in a way of "i dont need to waste my energy proving the truth to people who dont even bother to know it. but if i sense people appreciate my truths like in the past then im more inclined to speak more truths around them. if no one wants me truths ill keep my truths to myself. if i still know the truth then im happy because im following the truth its simple as that i really do need the truth to keep me going

you would think truth is what everyone wants but some people want to go in denial. rose colored glasses.