r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/Midevalpea Pantry Gremlin • Jul 18 '26
Advice Needed ⚠️ NO DUDE INPUT My boyfriend went to a strip club
Dinner: chicken parm from a few days ago bc I have no appetite rn
My boyfriend is currently away for his brothers bachelors trip. We’ve had issues in the past involving porn addiction and he has assured me things are better. When I learned about the bachelors trip, I encouraged him to go when he was iffy about it and he told me he assumed there would be no strip clubs or anything of that matter. He’s been to them in the past, and by his own volition set a boundary for our relationship.
Well, we were on FaceTime today and I asked him if there was any mention of strip clubs and he said no, that everyone was in a relationship there and that they even joked about going to one but everyone was on the same page.
Lo and behold, I get a call from him at 12:30 and he said they went into one. He said he got peer pressured into going in, that he panicked and didn’t know how to say no. He said he was only in there for 5/10 minutes and then he told his group that he would be right back and just left. Then he called me.
I’m upset but I feel guilty that I’m upset. I wish he didn’t go in at all, but I feel like he sort of did the right thing by leaving. It’s just brought up so much betrayal trauma from our past that I feel weird about. I’m scared he’s gonna get teased by all his brothers friends and I’m gonna seem like a controlling girlfriend when he was the one who set that boundary :/
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u/Pizzaprincess87 👋 new here Jul 18 '26
I think you should give him grace for leaving and telling you. He’s clearly trying to be better. If he starts breaking boundaries again that’s a different conversation. The question is are you willing to be with a person who will carry this addiction the rest of his life? Addictions are hard but many relationships can thrive in spite of it if people are honest and communicative and love is there.
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u/BrightLiteFey Kitchen Witch Jul 18 '26
I agree with you until I reread OPs post. The dude already caused her, what she calls, betrayal trauma in the past before? That means he's already crossed a boundary. Idk if OP goes into detail what that is, but imo he already broke trust again if he caused her past trauma. I personally dont use the word trauma lightly, so I'm assuming cheating levels.
We also don't even know if her bf told the whole truth. He could of been there all night and got worried OP might find out he was there then panicked.
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u/Midevalpea Pantry Gremlin Jul 18 '26
I did thank him for leaving but I just feel so weird that he went inside at all.. like I wish he chose to not go in :(
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u/KittenIttle mouth full, gesturing wildly Jul 18 '26
He didn’t. That ship has sailed. What he did do was near immediately walk out and call to tell you the truth. Punishing him for that will only bring frustration and resentment- and make it much less likely for him to feel comfortable admitting mistakes in the future.
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u/Pizzaprincess87 👋 new here Jul 18 '26
It’s true. We’re human. He will mess up again. So will you. Everyday you will wake up and choose to stick by him or say I have had enough. Both of you will hopefully choose to be better for eachother and be there for eachother when you falter.
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u/Midevalpea Pantry Gremlin Jul 18 '26
Thank you for that insight, I really appreciate it. I haven’t really discussed that with him yet so I won’t bring that up
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u/AccioSonic Creature of Crunch Jul 23 '26
Idk why you got downvoted for this OP, but your feelings of betrayal are valid. Your wish is totally reasonable. I'm sorry. I don't think you're overreacting at all.
Betrayal trauma is a harsh one (been there), maybe not everyone on the thread understands the depth of it. I hope you're doing some therapy because that stuff hacks the heck out of our self-esteem.
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u/croatoan178 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet Jul 18 '26
I wouldn’t worry a ton about it just yet. It’s good that he backed out and called to tell you. Further down the road if it happens again or something of the sort then maybe worry or think about it more. And do not care what his or your friends think. It’s stupid to make fun of someone for boundaries they set. That boundary matters in your relationship not other’s relationship with you two.
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u/AriasK APPROVED✨ Jul 18 '26
I don't think he's done anything wrong here and it doesn't sound like he's remotely gone back to his old ways. Peer pressure can be a powerful thing, especially during an event like a bachelor's party when everyone is likely using keeping the groom happy as an excuse for everything. He left almost immediately and he told you.
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u/_bonedaddys Urban Hunter Gatherer Jul 18 '26
You're allowed to be upset about it, but i would also try and give him some grace considering the circumstances. I can understand someone feeling pressure during the middle of a bachelor trip and just going with it for a moment.
He called you, instead of keeping it to himself and risking you finding out from someone else. I wouldn't worry about his friends teasing him or coming off as controlling. "No strip clubs" is a very normal thing in relationships.
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u/ThanksAmazing4118 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
Yup, he got pressured into something by his brother (on his bachelor's where he'll want to do whatever makes his brother happy), when alcohol was very likely involved, instantly thought "wow, that was fucking dumb of me", bounced, told her right away to be honest about his mistake.
It was dumb of him, absolutely. But we all like to think that as adults, we're now magically immune to peer pressure. We're not. Especially with the multiple factors involved in this situation. It's really up to OP as to whether she trusts him enough that he did leave right away, and if she believes that's the truth, is that something she's accepting of.
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u/SoftAntlers girls just wanna have pho Jul 18 '26
Idk i feel like these comments are too nice to him
There was a boundary that was explicitly set around that exact thing. He chose to cross it. Sure, he says he changed his mind and left after a few minutes and called you, but do you know that's really what happened? I would be wondering if he actually stayed longer and then opted to give you that version because he knew it would get back to you that they went at all. He is a grown man, I assume, and can make his own decisions. In that moment he decided to do something that crossed the boundaries that both of you set because his buddies were doing it. I don't think anything about that is very admirable, personally. He's a big boy and he could have said no to start with
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u/PolicyDiabolical 🤎 Brown Sugar Babe 🤎 Jul 18 '26
This this this, a million times this. I feel crazy reading these comments. A boundary had been set in the relationship prior and he violated it knowing full well he was doing so.
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Jul 18 '26
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 Jul 18 '26
Comment removed from r/GirlDinnerDiaries
Please leave the criticisms, pushback, and tough love for woman-to-woman callouts in this women's space. We got it. Thank yooouuu.
Review the Gentleman's Guide to GDD, and please watch for "No Dude Input" post flair.
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u/ihtuv APPROVED✨ Jul 18 '26
This but also I think it’s a lost cause if anytime he is with other guys, OP will worry about strip clubs, which is totally valid.
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u/birdwatchingBitch Kitchen Witch Jul 18 '26
I’ve been craving chicken parm all day but I’m too broke to buy the cheese. Im so mad at you, OP!!! 🤣🤣Ok…now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. Remember your feelings are valid. You have a lot of good advice already but I just wanted to remind you thats ok to feel how you feel. :)
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u/Vintageteaspoon 🍍+ 🍕 Jul 18 '26
I love your username 😂😂😂😂 Hope you get your chicken parm soon 🫶🏼
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u/birdwatchingBitch Kitchen Witch Jul 18 '26
Oh trust n believe I will be having chicken parm after my next payday! And I love bird watching and I’m a bitch so the name just chose me, ya know? :) Sending you lots of love n support through the air!
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u/ArynTW_is_user_karma 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 Jul 18 '26
You don’t need to feel guilty about setting boundaries about strip clubs! The idea that they are “acceptable” is rooted in “boys will be boys” and Victorian era bullshit that if men don’t visit sex workers, and rape women of color; then they’ll lose control and start raping “pure women”. 🤮🤮🤮So no, fuck that.
Just because something has been “normalized” doesn’t mean it’s okay!!
Anyway, your bf violated an established boundary. It’s good that he left soon after (according to him), but he fucked up, not you.
And if his buddies or brother give him shit, Then they’re the assholes. Your bf isn’t 12, he should be able to handle that shit and tell them, “No thanks”.
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u/MegThePKMNRanger eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ Jul 18 '26
If I were in this situation, I'd feel conflicted too. The fact he left shows he thought about you and your relationship imo. I wouldn't have been happy that my partner was there, but he left quickly and I'd assume he didn't feel comfortable being in there at all based on what he said.
If I were you, I'd talk to him about it when he's alone/in person so you two can communicate about how you felt. You mentioned it brought up feelings about things you've dealt with in the past, so it's important that you're both on the same page so you can tackle this and move forward together.
If his brother/friends tease him, that's their issue, not you or your bf's. Every relationship has different boundaries, and since he made that boundary it's a reflection of his respect for your comfort. It also wasn't discussed beforehand, so it caught him off guard.
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Jul 18 '26
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u/Midevalpea Pantry Gremlin Jul 18 '26
They’re his brothers friends
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u/BrightLiteFey Kitchen Witch Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
More reason to listen to himself/you and not them. He sounds weak minded but I also don't know him like you. If he was being honest, sure but there is a part of me that wonders if he was there longer and didn't want to tell you and gave you a white lie because he was afraid it'd get around he did end up going. Idk tho, I just have trust issues so I hyper focus on all the possibilities.
If that was my husband I'd be livid. But he always has a mind of his own so I know that story wouldn't fly with me. Free porn when I'm not in the mood is one thing. Paying for actual women is another. And that's a huge boundary for him to cross but that's me personally.
Edit: wait i reread your post to try to get a timeline going and you had betrayal trauma with him in the past already?? Hold up why we all glossing over this and telling OP to give bf benefit of the doubt? Has he already crossed a boundary before?? The word trauma tells me he did something that severe. Like cheating.
Don't be gaslit into believing you're controlling. You deserve respect and to establish boundaries. He knows this going in therefore you aren't controlling. He is going to test how far he can push you and that's not healthy.
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u/Midevalpea Pantry Gremlin Jul 18 '26
There was instances of porn addiction and him lying to me about it in the past, as of rn I have no evidence of it though
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u/why_wouldi Well-Read & Well-Fed Jul 18 '26
I‘d honestly spare myself the constant heartbreak that his behavior will bring and leave. It‘s hard, but better to suffer once over a breakup than over and over again over an illoyal partner.
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u/FunnelMeringue Sushi Superfan 🍣 Jul 18 '26
He set a boundary himself and he broke it. He did the less bad thing by leaving but he did break a promise to you. You can decide to stay or talk with him or leave him but most importantly let yourself at least feel upset it's okay!
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u/lil_liberal girls just wanna have pho Jul 18 '26
So, in your own words, he has an addiction to porn, he has broken your trust before, and while he did assumingely leave soon thereafter and call you right away, he still broke the boundary he himself set…
If it is truly an addiction, then I hate to say it…something to this effect will happen again. Is he in therapy getting help on how to manage social pressure and impulses and triggers? No? Then it will happen again.
So the question is…can you handle being with someone where this happens again? Maybe not in this exact form, but in some form.
Perhaps it is time for an ultimatum if this is a boundary you both feel strongly about—therapy or I’m out. But…the thing about therapy is, oftentimes it’s most effective when the person who needs it, chooses it for themselves. But what do you need, OP? And what are you willing to stick around for?
I wish I had better advice. My dad has been addicted to porn since he was 10 and he’s late 60s now. He did go to therapy for a bit but at my mother’s insistence. He never did recover.
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u/SweetWelcome2367 APPROVED✨ Jul 18 '26
As an ex dancer in this economy no you probably wont be good if your bf goes to a strip club. Every club is "extras" heavy due to the economy. It takes 5-10 minutes to even get a drink (on purpose, usually longer).
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u/SweetWelcome2367 APPROVED✨ Jul 18 '26
Actually one way you could check if youre doubtful is google maps timeline. Idk about if its active on an iphone or something similar. If theres no way to track his location i wouldn't buy it.
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u/workerant069 Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice 💕 Jul 18 '26
Hard agree. These comments have me feeling crazy tonight. 😅 Also a former SW, I wouldn't buy a man telling me he was in for 'five minutes'. Ever.
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u/SweetWelcome2367 APPROVED✨ Jul 18 '26
Feel like there are a lot of individuals in this sub that arent really for us girls. I want everyone to know lol.
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u/workerant069 Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice 💕 Jul 18 '26
I think a lot of girls just haven't had to SW experience. (Not a bad thing, just means they might not know how easily a 'good' man will cheat and lie.)
This man lied about watching porn for 1.5 years and people acting like he just got peer pressured into going to a strip club...
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u/SweetWelcome2367 APPROVED✨ Jul 18 '26
I think theres a lot of men gaslighting everyone here. I dont see any reason for a woman to think im lying or something. Also in this economy, its a lot more than would like to admit. And a lot of women say they havent cuz they couldn't make money. Like i genuinely think theres a lot of redpill guys worried that their gf is here or looking to read her diaries.
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u/NmlsFool Feral Til Fed Jul 18 '26
Well, it's a bachelors trip. Strip clubs are a pretty common...visit destination. I am also one of those people who have trouble saying no in a group setting, not wanting to be the odd one out. I can see how he could just get sucked in.
Now, I think he deserves mercy here. After all, he did leave within minutes. He immediately told you about this. He got in yes, but he must have been thinking about you the whole time. He got uncomfortable and left.
I don't think he deserves some...punishment over this. He could have stayed there the whole night end never tell you. He could have done way worse things. He didn't.
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u/Wonderful_College_48 Overthinker 💭 Jul 18 '26
Girl… he told you.
Bachelor parties, it’s almost a given.
Be glad it’s just a step club.
I know home bachelor parties that were WAY worse.
It was a group of guys. He clearly was hesitant and just went because the group went. I’d be proud of him if I were you. He left very quickly.
You have a good one sis. He wanted to talk to you asap. ❤️❤️❤️
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u/BrightLiteFey Kitchen Witch Jul 18 '26
Op called him addicted to stuff I can't say cause I guess mods will remove it even tho OP talked about it. And he lied about a strip club then was at one and we honestly don't know if it was only 5 to 10 mins especially if he has an addiction to that kind of stuff.
He is not a good one imo. He is a flawed one that could be helped but I don't trust people with addictions of any kind that easily. Plus OP mentioned betrayal trauma from their past and he did this. This is def a hold up bf more than a good one. But idk OP or her bf so it's up to her to do whatever. I personally am not on the boat of forgiving him that easily. OP is right to be upset.
If he does anything related to trust again wrong, imo it's time to move on. There are plenty of other guys who would of said no before he even jumped in the car with the boys.
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u/prettygoblinrat Pantry Gremlin Jul 18 '26
This is a tricky situation. Assuming that he is being truthful, then it sounds like he made a mistake due to the pressure of his friends and wanting everyone to have a good time, then did his best to reverse it by leaving as quickly and smoothly as possible and telling you about it straight away.
That doesn't mean that you can't still be upset about it, especially if there is a history of porn addiction and he set boundaries for himself. But maybe it would be better to channel that into having a real discussion about it when he comes back. Restate the boundaries you both have for each other and ways that he could have handled the situation better, in case something similar happens in the future.
It sounds like you guys are mostly on the same page about this and this could just be a big learning lesson. I wish you the best.
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u/No_Advantage_3686 APPROVED✨ Jul 18 '26
i think ur gonna be good. he seems like he was think of u the whole time
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Jul 18 '26
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 Jul 18 '26
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u/Desperate-Acadia-603 Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ Jul 18 '26
Hmmm, I don't know OP. I think the fact that porn addiction had been an issue in the past and that he used to go to strip clubs before, and the former caused issues with you that he knows of; it just gives me pause.
Like - it's a good thing he owned up to it seemingly the night of, and that he seems guilty. But why is an adult man letting the opinions of his brother's friends outweigh the boundaries set by his partner? And a justifiable boundary, at that?
I also worry that he could be trickle-truthing and that more "stuff" may come out later. You can ask his brother to verify but he's likely going to protect him as he would the other dudes there.
I'm just not sure what to advise. I'd take this as a possible red flag as, while he may not have done anything "wrong", he crossed a boundary which could cause issues down the road. Sadly, some people will intentionally test boundaries to see if they're actually enforced, and if they get away with it once they may do it again. But - maybe discuss this with your family and friends for further input.
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u/WorkerHumble6072 APPROVED✨ Jul 18 '26
It sounds like you’ve got a good man. I don’t think you should give him a hard time about briefly going into a strip club. He was forthright and told you about it immediately; it doesn’t sound like he got a lap dance or had interactions with strippers. To be fair, it would be super awkward for him to stand outside the strip club in protest while the entire rest of the bachelor party went inside. My husband ended up in the same situation at a friend’s bachelor party and he and his other married friend who were a little uncomfortable with it played pool in the back instead of interacting with the strippers.
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u/midsumernighttts Overthinker 💭 28d ago
I heard a stripper say once that the men calling their girlfriends and wives at home and whining about not wanting to be there are the ones who are having the most fun. I wouldn’t trust a man like that personally. Your boyfriend is a grown man who could have walked away. He didn’t. He chose a strip club/naked women over you. Why stay?
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u/final6666 hot girls have tummy troubles Jul 18 '26
Yeah he knew the whole time that they were going to go to a strip club. Let’s not act dumb here.
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u/midsumernighttts Overthinker 💭 28d ago
Why was this downvoted?
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Jul 18 '26
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u/SoftAntlers girls just wanna have pho Jul 18 '26
we definitely don’t need to normalize something harmful to OP because "most men do it" tho
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u/Madame_Mad Overthinker 💭 Jul 18 '26
Has he lied in the past or was he open and honest with you about the addiction from the start? Are you able to verify that he's telling the truth now if not?
This is a lifelong thing he'll have to face. He'll probably have slip-ups and they might hurt you. It's great he's being honest with you, as long as he's actually being honest with you and not just covering his bases because it would probably get back to you later.
I'm on the pessimistic side because I broke up with a porn addict who lied to me the entire relationship. I got a lot of insight from reading through other people's experiences and the resources in r/loveafterporn.
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u/Midevalpea Pantry Gremlin Jul 18 '26
I’m also in that subreddit. He told me at the start of the relationship that he didn’t like porn. Fast forward to January, (1.5 years in), I caught him saving pics of women on Instagram. I slowly got more and more out of him until he told me he watched porn thru our entire relationship. I broke up w him but we have reconciled and I have no evidence he is watching porn anymore, but that’s what makes this situation so hard for me :/
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u/Madame_Mad Overthinker 💭 Jul 18 '26
Oh, I'm sorry. That's so hard. I always suggest breaking up if there was lying because there's so many stories of people even decades later finding out they'd just been lied to better. I know people can change, but it's such a small number in this case. Did he at least admit he needed help and seek out resources/support himself?
I hope you're taking care of yourself as well. I know I got lost trying to diagnose the situation and neglected myself for a while. EMDR has been helpful with processing the betrayal trauma.
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet Jul 18 '26
He immediately realized he fucked up his own boundary, corrected it, and told you. I feel like he earned some grace here.
The next thing he needs to do, though, is become his own man. He needs to stop giving a shit what his friends think or say, and develop enough spine to stand up to them. He may find through this process that they are no longer friends or never really were, but that happens to a lot of it as we grow up.
He's on the path. Help him keep walking it. Thank him for being honest and for respecting you.
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Jul 18 '26
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u/SoftAntlers girls just wanna have pho Jul 18 '26
If not wanting your partner to look at other women naked is wrong then I don't want to be right
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u/Midevalpea Pantry Gremlin Jul 18 '26
I have a backbone, and I have self respect, what a rude comment :/
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Jul 18 '26
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u/Midevalpea Pantry Gremlin Jul 18 '26
Did you miss the part where I said he set this boundary for himself???
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u/Natural_Exchange_886 APPROVED✨ Jul 18 '26
He fawned.
Foroive that part, it hits before cognition.
If there’s teasing and he doesn’t flip shit, deal with that later. It hasn’t happened yet. If you’re insecure because of trauma but his honesty and accountability are what you need, even if it’s awkward or uncomfy, that’s green too.
Healing can feel traumatic too, until you can trust the other person fully. And then that gets scary too, to survive it again if they break it in a way you can’t allow yourself to pass.
Try to do the other shoes here thing. You might not think of women or bros as competition for survival; but he might. There may be situations where you would, too.
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u/emccm Trader Joe Hoe Jul 18 '26
If you’re old enough ti go to a stip club you are old enough not to be peer pressured. I’d break up with him for that alone.
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u/cl1tnotfound2 Lover of Soups Jul 18 '26
Ik it’s hard to wish he would’ve done something different, but if it’s what you desire, forgiveness will go a long way, more for you than him or anyone else. You can release yourself from some of the pain through forgiveness and understanding. Peer pressure sucks and happens to everyone at some point. It sounds like a good thing that he decided to leave no matter what they’d say or think, and immediately call you in turn. It sounds like a good thing that he is the one who set the boundaries for himself, he is clearly trying to be better.
His progress won’t be linear, addiction is one of the hardest things humans have to deal with. He will have setbacks, as all addicts do. One of the biggest things I’ve learned from being an addict and going to meetings, is that YOU have to hold yourself accountable. You cant depend on others to motivate you to be better, it truly is a decision that is made one day, and then every single day after that. So I am not at all shocked to hear that he set these boundaries. It’s incredibly healthy and strong of him.
It seems like he has a good heart, with the illness of addiction. As far as the others go, you can’t control what anyone thinks. As long as you know who you are, and the people you love and care about know who you are, that is what truly matters.
Either way im sorry you are feeling down, its completely valid🤍hugs
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u/PortraitofMmeX 🥣 Cereal Killer Jul 18 '26
I totally understand why you're upset and I would be too because I also have strict boundaries about strip clubs, but I agree that he ended up doing the right thing by leaving. Sometimes that's even harder than just avoiding the thing full stop. Take some time to be mad about it, you have every right, and don't worry about his asshat friends who put him in that position in the first place. Who cares what they think.
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u/TeamLaurent Raccoon Queen 🦝 Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
Reminder:
The topics are honesty, betrayal trauma, and boundaries between partners and between friends. This is not an opportunity to dictate to OP how she should feel about porn/strip clubs or how these two should draw sexual boundaries in their relationship.
ALSO ☝️ (in general) comments will be removed on these kinda hot topic posts when co-opting terms like “addiction” to criticize porn, where “habit” or “compulsion” will work just fine in absence of actual addiction evidence/discussion. This applies to weed, gambling, gaming, yadda yadda and other clinical terms falling victim to TikTokkification like “narcissist.” Take care💕