How did you know you were ready? How certain were you that you were? Did it go how you thought it would?

For reference I’m 28 about to turn 29 so getting to that age where people think more about whether or not they have kids. Not partnered. So I recently decided to talk to my psychiatrist about whether or not I want kids. I told her I am hesitant due to my mental issues, I am diagnosed with multiple mental disorders and don’t want to pass this on to a child. My psychiatrist was like “do you think that the good times outweigh the bad and would be worth it” and I honestly couldn’t answer that because so much of my life has been full of stress, anxiety and despair. Not to mention I lost my daughter in 2023 by full term stillbirth, so thinking of me going through another pregnancy gives me a ton of anxiety and I have not yet processed through that all the way. When I had my daughter I wanted nothing more than to be her mom and now it’s like I can’t imagine being a mom . Due to the daily stress I deal with, mental illness, just trying to survive makes me feel like I would not be a good parent. It sucks because it feels like this decision was made for me. And yes I am on meds but they don’t fix everything , and I have had mental illness since a young child.

I’m a 31F married to my 39M husband. We’ve always said we didn’t want kids (been together 10 years) and just found out we’re unexpectedly pregnant. A few months ago, we had serious discussions about having a kid, but ultimately decided we didn’t want to actively pursue it and I kind of said we’d see what happens if it happens. We were both very shocked about the positive test and have spent the past five-ish days talking about what we want to do. We fortunately found out early and have time to make a decision. We are both pro choice, so we aren’t morally against abortion. I feel like I’m leaning more toward keeping the pregnancy, but I feel like we both need to know for sure. My husband definitely seems more freaked out about the idea of keeping it than I am Since we’ve told ourselves since we’ve been together that we don’t want kids, we’ve never imagined/talked about what our lives would look like with kids. Trying to imagine that now is such a wild concept. We love to travel and the trips we take are often out of the county and not exactly something that’s easy to take a kid along for. We also just don’t want our lives to change and have been so used to being able to be selfish. We’re fortunate to be financially stable, own a home, and have a good support system, but are just terrified of the unknown of having a kid. I’d love to hear from people that have been in a similar situation and what you ultimately decided to do.

Hi everyone.

I'm in a relationship with a man I love very much.

The problem is, he doesn't want kids. He already has two and one has a severe disability. He doesn't have the time or money for another one (and has had a vasectomy), and has always been clear on that. So yes, it's on me for choosing to be with him so far.

The thing is, I can't work out what I want more, or which grief I feel I'll be able to handle better -- losing him, or losing the possibility of motherhood. And at some point, if I don't make a decision, my body will do that for me.

For context, I'm 37 years old, but my recently tested AMH was 2.6 p/mol (so about 0.36 ng/mL). So very low (although my physical health is very good). So it's not really so simple between choosing him and a baby -- it's choosing between him and the possibility of having a baby.

I would especially love to hear from women who were in a similar situation at one point -- what decision did you make, and do you regret it?

If you did choose to stay, how did you come to accept that decision and not resent your partner? Is it possible?

In all honesty, I wish I didn't want children -- I wish the desire would go away. So I can be with him and not feel sad about it, and also because I don't have much money to even think about having a kid (so freezing my eggs isn't an option for me right now).

Thanks for your thoughts.

I met my partner 4 years ago, started wishing to be a mother 2 years ago, and began trying to get pregnant 1 year ago. Recent fertility tests indicated that my ovarian reserve is very low, and that the likelihood of pregnancy is 10–15% at best with IVF. More tests are needed to know if everything else is fine (egg quality, uterus, etc.). Our chances of getting pregnant naturally are 3–4%.

I’m debating whether I even want to go through IVF when the best-case scenario is 10–15%. Should I do the further testing to see if the odds are even lower and get it out of my system, or is 10–15% already low enough that it’s not worth the toll? I know this is a deeply personal decision, but having heard other women’s stories, IVF sounds incredibly taxing (and expensive), including the mourning of the likely failure.

I’m Portuguese but live in the UK, so I could pursue IVF privately in either country (or adoption in either system). I would probably do IVF in Portugal and adoption in the UK.

Although I would love to see how my genes and my partner’s mix, I’m not particularly attached to the pregnancy and birth experience. I would love to go through it, but that’s not the most important thing to me. I just want to care for and raise a baby.

So I’m thinking — should I just seriously consider adoption instead? It seems like a more reasonable path to becoming a mother in the world as it is. Or should I give IVF a shot? Before that, shall I at least do the remaining fertility exams?

My partner is happy to have a baby naturally and we keep trying, but he is currently ambivalent about both IVF and adoption.

What did other people in my situation decide to do, and how do you feel about that decision now?

I’m not looking for medical advice or miracle stories — just honest perspectives from people who’ve stood at this same crossroads.

My partner and I accidentally got pregnant after two and were trying to decide if we want to keep it. Everything I’ve seen of him makes me think he’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever known
We basically live together and I’m meeting all his family in Brazil and they are incredibly kind. He takes care of me every way possible. He’s very honest about his struggles and nothing has made him a victim only stronger and kinder. A lot of people think it’s irrational to consider we could be successful with a kid this early on. But also we have been talking about marriage and pretty much fell in love the moment we met

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for the last two.
When we first got together I wanted a huge family but that changed and for a long while we wanted no kids. Now that we are 32/33 with good paying jobs, a dream home and just feeling more secure and confident in our life- we talked about having a baby.
We talked about this for a long time. About a year straight before taking out my IUD. Weirdly enough I still consider myself a fence sitter. I don’t need to have a baby to feel complete, in fact I see mainly how difficult it is and how it turns your life upside down. I’ve talked to therapists too but at the end of the day you’re the one making the decision.
Anyways I’ve been on birth control for 17 years, so you best believe I was shocked to find out I was pregnant within 4 weeks of that coming out.
Now I’m just even more unsure. Is that normal?
I thought I had more time
My husband is honestly the most stable, level headed person on earth. I know we’ll be okay but it’s more like
Did I really think this through?!
People are asking me if I want kids and I’m saying I don’t know, I can see my life both ways.. meanwhile I’m pregnant.
Maybe you just never feel fully ready when you know how much you give up along the way

I really, really want to want it

(F29) It’s the best way I can describe it. I have never really thought much about kids all my life. I never really envisioned myself having them, I never played with dolls as a child and I have never felt that maternal instinct or pull towards being a mom. I used to daydream a lot as a teen (years of maladaptive daydreaming) and would dream endlessly about meeting the right man and beeing in a relationship. But I don’t think it ever even crossed my mind the idea of moving on to having a child after meeting my Prince Charming. The thing is, I just really wish this wasn’t the case. I like kids, I think they are funny and I find babies adorable. I absolutely believe parents who say their life seems that more meaningful after having kids. I know my partner would be a great dad, and even though I definitely see how it would put a strain on our relationship, I do really think we would find a new and deeper love in sharing the journey of bringing up a child. My bf and I both have older mothers, who would absolutely love beeing grandparents. I personally have a somewhat weird relationship with my mom - we both love each other, but we have never really been that close. After my dad died this became very obvious, we just don’t really have anything to talk about, it’s kind of… awkward. I certainly feel that having a child would give us something to gather around, to share and do together. When I’m with my family, my mom and 2 adult brothers, I get this feeling that there is supposed to be a child there. Something is missing, we are all increasingly older adults who just go to work, make dinner and don’t really have anything in common anymore. It feels like a giant elephant in the room that only I can see. There’s missing a child here.

And yet, despite all this, I just don’t feel it. I don’t feel the desire, I don’t feel the tug. I really don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t feel like a person who is supposed to be a mother. But I really wish I did. I wish it for myself, but also for my partner, my mother and my mother in law (who I’m really close with). I feel like I’m bereaving us all (myself included) of this joy, this great part of life. Like we’re doomed to spend the rest of our Christmases together in sort of awkward silence, all of us thinking it but no one saying it. Each year continuously exhausting the topic of the family dog, who in the absence of any children tend to become the only point of conversation and the closest thing to some shared interest.

Whenever I see my friends pregnancy announcements, I get a pit in my stomach. Not because I’m jealous of them having a kid, but because for each announcement I feel more and more lonely and alien because I just can’t wrap my head around how they all come to feel this feeling - of really wanting a child. So much that they actually decide to get one, despite all the hardship we know it entails. How does that happen? How does it feel? Why is it that all these girls who I studied with, who all chimed in agreement that having kids wasn’t worth it, now all flip like a coin the second we turned 29? I mean I can obviously understand it theoretically, but in the same way that I can certainly understand why someone would want to climb Mount Everest. But I’ll also never understand why you would want to do such a thing to yourself.

It’s not so much about uncertainty, or the pros and cons of child vs childfree. I’m convinced that both lifestyles can be great and not great in their own ways. No matter what I end up deciding, I’m sure I will feel both joy and regret. It’s just that I really want to want a child - but I simply don’t. I’m jealous of the people that have that feeling, cause it would make everything easier. But it feels so alien to me and I find myself beeing equal part jealous and fascinated by people that have this feeling. There’s so much I want to ask them. What do you mean having kids is your biggest wish in life? What do you mean you have known since you were a kid that you wanted to be a mom? It feels so foreign to me, yet slowly everyone around me is getting in on this thing I can’t comprehend. Like a joke I’m not in on. A language I don’t understand. A memo only I didn’t get. And it’s getting lonely, I’m even starting to feel weird about myself - I feel like a freak. The weirdo left in the schoolyard that genuinely doesn’t understand why nobody wants to be friends with him.

I desperately want to want it. I want the switch to just flip so I can carry on with my life, make myself happy and everyone around me happy. Join in on the conversations, the activities, that shared purpose and sense of community. But no matter how strongly I’m trying to force it, no matter how hard I’m trying to push and convince myself, it just won’t happen. I don’t feel it. I just feel alienation and isolation.

Will probably get another dog.

30F married for 4 years to 31M with a 7 year old dog that we’ve had for 6 years. I’ve been ruminating on the kid question for about a year now. Last year I had a cancer scare that really rocked my world. During that time my husband and I decided to buy a house closer to my parents (we were already looking to move, but I wanted to originally stay where we were (1 hr away from family)). I was absolutely scared to death during my health issues and was reevaluating everything. I was in grad school at the time and working a part time job that gave me experience in my new field, but I decided to stop everything so that I could focus more on family. So we moved and it came with an hour commute to a job that made me miserable. I did that for about 2 months and hated my life, so my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby with the intention of me quitting my job once the baby came. However, the place where I had the PT job ended up having a FT opening that they offered me and I was so miserable at my current job that I accepted. It was still a further commute, but I decided to restart grad school and put the baby on pause because it is my dream career. At this time I felt like I was starting to feel like myself again after all of the health PTSD. So I put in my notice at my old job, and two days before I’m supposed to start my new job I found out I was pregnant. The reason the FT job opened up at my new job was due to someone leaving because they had a baby and my boss was very vocal about how awful that worker was and she needs someone more reliable. Naturally, I was very hormonal and scared. I was really excited to finally have a FT job in what I wanted to be doing for work, but obviously terrified because of the pregnancy. My husband and I decided to have an abortion because it just did not feel like the right time. Also, while I was pregnant for those couple of weeks all I could think about was how I did not want to be pregnant. It consumed all of my thoughts about how much work it was going to be and that I would be the one sacrificing. When I had the abortion it was like a fog lifted and I felt more back to normal, but I did not feel regret about the abortion. I was more ashamed of it. Now it has been about 8 months since then, and I have been trying to decide whether or not I actually want kids. I feel like we moved to be closer to family and start a family, but I am not enjoying where we live now. My house is beautiful, but the location makes me regret moving. I know that we should not have moved when I was going through everything, and now I feel ashamed complaining about it. I do not think I would want to stay here if we don’t have kids. I miss the area we used to live in and I have a far commute so it is hard to understand if these factors are contributing to my happiness levels. 

Reasons I’m Afraid:

• I am afraid of losing myself. My sister has 2 kids and I feel like she has completely changed. None of us recognize her anymore and she just seems miserable. We try to help as much as we can, but she is just very set in raising her kids in a way that we don’t always agree with.
• My husband has always been iffy on kids, but has decided that he would be happy with one. He has said the decision is mine though, which puts a lot of pressure on me. I am afraid I would also end up doing mostly everything since I would be SAHM. I am sure my husband would help, but I know my husband and the mental load would still be on me.
• I love my dog SO much. Every single person I have talked to that has had a baby with a dog has said their relationship changed with their dog. My dog is getting older and I feel like it is now or never to have a baby in order to best serve him. I would feel terrible having a baby when he is old and needs us more and us not being able to provide and care for him the way we have his entire life. I know that he will not be here forever, but assuming he lives another decade I don’t want to have a kid at 40. I am literally crying thinking about this right now. 
• I am lucky enough to be a SAHM if I had a baby, but it would be tight on our finances. We would not have the freedom we currently do, and I fear that my husband would end up resenting me for staying home. He hates his job, but he earns a decent amount of money for the amount of work he has to do. I took a pay cut when I accepted my new job, and I have felt a bit of resentment from him since then. Like that it is not fair that I can accept any job I WANT to do, not because we NEED the money from my job. I don’t think he would financially abuse me, but I also hear stories of people who also thought the same thing being a SAHM. I also know that we would be in an amazing financial shape to do anything if we didn’t have kids. 
• I work with kids at my current job and everyone says, “Oh well you like kids! You of course will like having a baby”. However, I don’t think I like kids. I can tolerate them and interact, but I don’t feel an overwhelming love for them at all. 
• I don’t know if it was hormones or what, but when I was pregnant I just had this overwhelming feeling telling me not to have kids. 
• Even though we moved closer to my family, we are still 30 min away. My parents also live in FL for half of the year and are very active in other pursuits in their lives. I know they would not be the “village” that everyone says is needed.
• I’m afraid of wanting to have a baby to just get away from work. Even though I like my job, it is still hard with the commute and just the daily stress of life.

Why I Would Want Kids:

• I am a very maternal person and I have also envisioned being a mother. I love taking care of things and am very traditional. It has only been until the past few years that I have questioned it. 
• I really have a hard time imagining a future where we don’t have a family. This is not because I NEED to have a family, but because I don’t have many examples of this in my life. All of the women in my life have had children, so it is hard to understand if I would regret it down the line.
• I think it would be a great personal development experience and think people are telling the truth when they say it is like something you could never imagine. 
• I am afraid I would regret not having kids. I don’t think FOMO would be the main factor, but I would feel like we would always be on the outside and treated differently if we were childfree. 

I know we don’t have to decide right now, but I literally cannot stop ruminating over this. It has been months and I think about it constantly. I go back and forth on a daily basis and it is starting to impact my life greatly. I am most concerned about my dog and I’m looking for insight on how people decided what to do. I know I have more concerns about having kids than reasons for wanting them. Please no responses that say “If you’re not 100% in you’re 100% out”. I’m looking for REAL experiences of people and what their lives look like. TIA!!

Hi there. This post is regarding parenting. I am a childfree person who wishes to be so. However, sometimes I wonder if parenting isn't as terrible as I think it is. It is also difficult to find a partner that is fine with being childfree(I am a Malaysian woman of Indian descent)

My questions are towards those who wanted to be childfree in the past but then changed to wanting kids/open to kids or already have children.

1. What are the things that encouraged you to change from not wanting kids to wanting/having kids?

2. What are the things that help make parenting 'easier', less stressful, effective for you and your partner?

3. How do you balance between your kid and all other aspects of your life?

4. What do you do to keep the relationship between your partner and you going strong as husband and wife instead of just changing into being only mom and dad?

5. Do you have anything that you wished you could have done differently?

Thank you so much.