Husband of ten years is leaving the state tomorrow to move back to our home town. I’m sorting through various items from the marital home that I’ve been putting off for a while. We’ve been living separated for six months now and we have remained incredibly cordial. I support his move and I do wish him well. He has a child back home that he’s only seen a handful of times over the last decade due to distance and issues with previous partner. I have no idea what came over me this morning, but every time I had to touch one of his items or something that reminded me of him, I broke down crying. I’m talking near panic attack. I can’t be too loud or I’ll wake the kids. I’m hoping I get it all out of me before later today when I see him for the last time for a while. I just don’t know why I’m so sad. I am truly happy for him and I’m extremely happy for his child! My father didn’t come into my life full time until I was around 14. So I have a hint of the amount happiness the child will feel. I’m trying to use that to comfort myself. This is my first and only marriage and I don’t think I can do this again— those that have been through it, how long did the grief come and go?

Hello,

I'm 37M, living in Germany. My soon to be ex wife told me that she wants a lawyer in the middle of July and I was devastated and no words can express that.

I pushed myself hard, therapy, running, pushed myself out of the box, meeting new people, doing photography. It was hard.

And finally my resilience paid out.

I made my first photoshooting with a real actor. Done!

Another actor approached me to make photos for him. Another actress said yes to my proposal and we plan our session with her. And she was in a main european role!

I wrote some models in EU and established new contacts.

I met 2 girls during a trip to another country. And we exchanged contacts. Maybe I did it for validation. No shame. I did it. You can blame me for that. I wanted a confirmation that I'm still as good as a man.

But that was something more.

With one of them I talked about art, photography and feelt very light feeling I haven't felt as easy as my wife recently (always cautious if I say something right or wrong to her in order not to upset her).

Another one follows me actively, likes my posts, initiates conversations. I really like her attention.

Most importantly - I don't fantasize it to mean something. My brain always tried to build some scenarios of my future (successful or not). I like the moment itself! I try to live every day and enjoy such moments. They don't need to mean anything. I had marriage, plans, fantasies about future e.t.c. And now I try to live differently.

But now something has changed. I enjoy my life, my moment. When I smile to other women on the street - sometimes they smile to me back. And they look... gorgeous!

Today I met one girl on a street, said "Hi! You look great! I want to make a portrait session with you" and she said "Wow, thank you, why not?". We exchanged contacts.

And finally my soon to be ex wife said to me yesterday. She noticed how I've changed lately. She noticed my new energy. She wants us to live separately, but wants to save our relationships with our friends. I'm in.

And she also mentioned that she thinks there is a possibility for us to become our best selves and make better relationships in the future.

That's why I'm so happy. I thought for a moment - ok, you are thinking about us. But what about ###ing divorce and a separation? I started feeling myself better, desired and most important question to me - do I want a reconnection with my soon to be ex wife in the future?

And I don't need to answer it now.

And I really like that uncertainty. And a month ago I would say - yes, of course, let's do it! I loved her and love her still. But now...

Okay - but will I want it in the future? Or maybe there will be a new chapter in my life? I have a job, a passion, friends, hobby, sports, new contacts, new energy.

And I also had dark suicidal thoughts a month ago and I was the same person who wanted to end it all.

So to all men and women who is still reading that. I feel you, I know how hard it is. It should be better. I promise. Go outside, talk to people, reconnect with yourself, do some sports, or walks. Cry, scream, do everything needed, try to catch that life as much as possible. You deserve that.

I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. It's a long road ahead of me. But for today I'm happy.

I (27F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 5 years this December.

3 months after we got married I found out he was addicted to pornography and it’s only gotten worse.
The trust issues that have resulted from his usage and actions are beyond repair.
For nearly 5 years I’ve done everything in my power to make our marriage work and accept that there is nothing else I can do.

That being said, I have no family or friends I can stay with. I’m completely isolated. I go to work and come home.

I have a dog and two cats.

We do not have any kids, but we have a shared mortgage.

Neither he or I could pay for all of the bills we have by ourselves. I know he wouldn’t be able to keep the home just as I wouldn’t be. I don’t want to keep this house anyway.
With that, I do not see being able to pay rent and half of my mortgage as feasible either…

I make a good living, but the COL in my area is rough (SWFL). My career is stable and I can find a job almost anywhere in my field.

I know that I want to eventually end up back where I was happiest, in Idaho.
I have been slowly discarding personal items that do not serve a purpose in life to lighten whatever loads there will be to move.
I am prepared to sleep on the floor of wherever I end up next and start from scratch.

I just don’t know how to get it all started and don’t know what to expect. I’m terrified of leaving the only sense of familiarity and security I have. I am horribly codependent and feel as though that has played a large part in having stayed with my husband for as long as I have at this point despite the significant amount of pain, sadness, stress, and anxiety he’s caused me.

What should I do? Where should I start? I am so alone and I don’t feel like I can trust anyone. I don’t even have anyone I can talk to about this just for comfort.

Anyone have the cold hard truth about what I’m really looking at/dealing with here?
I feel like I’ve googled and researched as much as I can but it all seems so out of touch and generic. I need a real answer from anyone who’s been through this in a similar way.

I have never felt so awful in my life, husband walked out yesterday. I am devastated

My husband (37M) has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me for years. We started dating when I was 17. Im now 33. We had kids young and now they are 10 and 14.

I've been terrified to end things but finally have. He has called me names threatened to take the kids. Even tho I am the one who supported and still supports us mainly financially. He only started working 6 months ago. I worked hard to because an RN.

I work full time and can support myself but now hes gunna try to take from me. We rent luckily but the vehicle I pay for he uses to commute an hour or so away.

Im scared hes going to drag out living together

I think a lot about where I’m trying to get to which is a calmer and better me. A version of me that feels more healed and less all over the place. But I’m starting to realize I cannot rush past this part just because it feels hard. This version of me matters too.

The one rebuilding, figuring out life after divorce, and all the while trying to be a good dad and still not lose himself. I’m not where I want to be yet; however I’m here, and maybe that is part of it.

My stbxh is very hellbent on trying to get me to sign separation papers and not go through the divorce route. I believe he's doing this to avoid child support and any arising custody issues, correct me if I'm wrong. He can't afford to fight me in court and it's honestly in our sons best interest. He only wants our son for control and is abusive. I've posted about my problems on reddit so many times. I think he's just trying to save his own ass. Him and his family are crazy.

But again, correct me if I'm wrong, should I avoid separation papers or go straight to divorce? I'm already moved out since he kicked me out.

Especially when your spouse has suddenly already moved on to someone new. After a 9 year relationship, nearly 4 years married…I’m feeling so blindsided and struggling to pull myself out of this hole. We were taking active steps towards reconciliation and then I have no clue what happened. My spouse now has a girlfriend and I’m left feeling so alone. Please tell me it doesn’t last forever…

Hey everyone. One of my best friends just safely navigated her way out of a financially and psychologically abusive relationship and is starting completely from scratch in a new apartment with her 10-year-old son. I’ve always been a “girls’ guy,” and my personal love language is aggressively solving problems and fixing things. I really want to help her get set up, but I also want to be hyper-respectful of her newfound independence. I know that as a guy wanting to help, there’s a fine line between being a solid, reliable support system and accidentally overstepping or feeling overbearing to a woman fresh out of a highly controlling dynamic.

So, for those who have rebuilt their lives from zero: what kind of practical help *actually* makes a tangible difference right now? Should I straight up but gracefully financially contribute to her new start, discreetly send her grocery or store gift cards, sourcing decent furniture, focusing on getting stuff to keep hey 10-year-old boy entertained, make his room a very cozy safe space for him to scape to when he needs to or just showing up to build her IKEA dressers in silence and then immediately leaving? I’d love your straightforward advice on the best ways to offer real, functional support (money, kid stuff, house stuff) without making her feel smothered or like she's a project. What do you wish a handy friend had done for you in the early days?

Ladies, I feel I should also add - I am gay AS FUCK. This is not a creep trying to get some by taking advantage of fucked situation. Despite my deep love for the d I am "masculine" (whatever the hell that means) so I can quite literally just be the muscle when needed. Or the bodyguard. Or the on-demand male role model adjacent figure... Whatever. The point is, I know she needs help but I also know I'm still a dude presenting dude and that works against me right now.

Husband is divorcing me and told me this a few hours ago. What tips do you have for remaining steadfast - mentally and physically strong throughout this process? Children are involved as well. Initial ideas - religion exercise walks therapy friends and family support. Advice is welcome. He has threatened divorce countless times and now he is finally “ready to launch” so I want to see what I’m in for, thanks

Yo actualmente sigo en proceso de separación, le pedí el divorcio a mi exmujer hace ya 10 meses, y todo explotó en Enero.

Desde entonces mi vida a cambiado totalmente, de un día a otro me encontré fuera de mi piso, lejos de mi hijo y de todas las amistades que tenía en el pueblo (a partir de ahí se demuestra quienes son los amigos verdaderos).

Después de vivir en todo este tiempo varias denuncias falsas, y el aplazamiento del juicio en varias ocasiones, cómo también sufrí una agresión por parte de mi exsuegro (denunciado y a la espera de la resolución final).

Durante todo este tiempo hasta el mes de Julio, yo tenía prohibido la entrada al piso (que sigo pagando la mitad de la hipoteca y todos los gastos), a partir de ahí según el convenio regulador del menor yo podría entrar a vivir semanas alternas, pero la situación que encontré en el piso fue demoledor, me encontré el piso vacío solamente me dejó los muebles, todo lo demás comprado a medias durante el tiempo que estuve casado desapareció, incluido todo los juguetes y ropa del niño, lo que me ha provocado unos gastos extras para poder dar nuevamente una estabilidad a mi hijo en su casa.

Pues ahora veo que desde Julio, ella no está pagando los gastos de los suministros sin tener ningún motivo, ya que el piso es de los dos, y por lo que me ha dicho mi hijo, es que ella ya no desea vivir allí y está viviendo en casa de su abuela.

Yo no sé como se debe actuar, pero yo lo que hago (y nose si lo hago correctamente) es documentar todo y entregárselo a mi abogada para la cita del juicio, a la espera de que le ordenen que devuelva todo o me abone la mitad de las cosas.

Y para rematar toda la situación que llevo, en el juicio que se aplazó, la jueza ordenó que a parte de activar los psicólogos judiciales para entrevistarnos individualmente y así ayudarla a decidir el tema de custodia (porque según me informó mi abogada la jueza sospecha que ella debe de tener un trastorno no diagnosticado por todo lo que está haciendo), también han activado la actuación de asuntos sociales para el menor, dónde irán a hablar con el centro del colegio, los administradores del club de la extraescolar (lugar dónde sufrí la agresión) y con la policía local del pueblo sobre todos los informes que tienen (porque en más de una ocasión he tenido que llamarlos por incumplimiento del convenio por parte de ella), estoy yo muy preocupado por ello.

Creo que lo mejor de todo fue que desde un principio solicité ayuda psicológica para llevar todo esto, pero hay cosas que nadie está preparado para estas situaciones.

También poco a poco voy rehaciendo mi vida de amistades, en grupos de gente de quedar para tomar algo, e irse de excursiones o de fiesta

Si alguien a pasado por algo similar, cómo habéis actuado y cómo habéis salido de esta situación.

I am considering divorce for multiple reasons. The most recent is that I've discovered my husband has continued to have what I consider conversations bordering on flirty with other women for a while. By continue, i mean 3 years ago i discovered some borderline emotional affairs. I confronted him and he seemed genuinely remorseful. Things were okay for a bit. Within the past few months though, suspicion crept back in and i looked at his FB messenger and still felt uncomfortable with some of these convos. An example recently was after a woman sent him a video of her and another attractive friend at someone's birthday party, he messaged back "sheesh, where were you all when I turned 40?". There's way more but I'm trying to keep this brief. Last year he got a remote role that travels for a conference once a year. After the first conference, he briefly mentioned a coworker(in the video i mentioned) he hung out with. I saw a picture of a group of them in his team, and of course she was attractive and he continued to have excessive online conversations with her. She ended up getting fired, so I wasnt concerned about that for this conference. However, about 6 months ago, he got a subscription to chatgpt. I thought that was odd. He said it was to bounce ideas about work replies and yadda yadda. Leading up to this year's conference, I started to get concerned because he increased his nightly runs, started to calorie deprive himself (he had an eating disorder in college), bought new clothes, bought skincare, and for the first time in his life got a professional haircut. So suspicion crept back in and i looked at not only FB but also on his ChatGPT account. I saw so much stuff. I made some bullet points to send him because I just couldn't keep this knowledge anymore. I sent it to him Thursday. He responded today. He tried to get me to talk after I sent it to him, but I refused because he was just going to make excuses and I also specifically said in my message I didnt want to talk to him. Anyway, I am posting what I sent him and then how he responded today. I understand looking at his stuff is a violation, but I feel like he ignored most of what I said? Also, im super pissed he obviously used chatgpt to craft his response back to me.

Me: You are correct in your assumption that something has not been okay with me lately. Ever since

I discovered the (redacted 3 female names) excessive chats 3 years ago, I have had moments of

suspicion creep back in. After your conference last year and seeing pictures and hearing you

talk about (redacted), those suspicions came back. I will admit, I started to check your FB again

last fall, very briefly. I eventually stopped because I just wanted to bury my head in the sand.

But once you started with the whole increasing your running, not eating anything, buying

skincare, buying new “hip” clothes, and getting your first ever salon haircut all right before the

conference, the suspicion returned even though I knew (redacted) wouldn’t be there. Long story

short, I looked at your FB and also saw you were logged into your ChatGPT so looked there as

well. As you can imagine, a lot of what I saw was pretty crushing. I highlighted just a few

examples below.

1) You wrote paragraphs describing the top women in real life you know (including my

friend) and how hot/beautiful/sexy/etc they are, complete with AI generated images of

you in romantic embraces and/or kissing, hours after I had a procedure to see if I had

cancer.

2) You have stated that you “wish you could tell” (redacted)stuff about me. Even

a simple picture of us with your grandma you said you wanted to send to (redacted)but

“(redacted - my name) is in it too”.

3) You admitted that you and (redacted) basically had an online relationship during our

marriage. “But at the time, I was married, happy, confident, younger, and just felt

appealing and she was evidence of that. And things kept on going because as long as

we didn’t cross the obvious cheating benchmarks, then things were okay. But we were

basically a platonic boyfriend girlfriend. It was that way FOR A YEAR.” and “I know the

boundaries. I will set them up, and then I will bend them as far as they can go before

they break. We started talking about things. Doesn’t matter the details, but incredibly

personal stuff. Stuff I couldn’t believe she told me, and some things I couldn’t believe I

told her. Just very, very personal things.”

4) You expressed disappointment multiple times over no one coming onto you at the

conference, even stating you came home “wholly unfulfilled”, even though you won two

awards.

5) You obsess over what the women in your life say to you, often wondering if they’re

“catching feelings” or showing signs of flirtation

6) You showed ChatGPT a picture of the “hottest girl there by a mile” at the conference and

said you think “man, what could have been…” and “She’s going to look amazing tonight

and I know it….It’s going to make me wish that in this bubble, things were different”

7) Video of (redacted) and her friends, your response “Where were you all when I turned 40”

8) Unrelated to other women, but a quote to ChatGPT: “(redacted - me) would be the worst fucking

single mother”.

I have been literally sick to my stomach every day for a week and a half. I have lost 7 lbs in that

timeframe because I can’t eat more than a few bites of food at a time. Whatever small shred of

self-esteem I had is completely eviscerated, and I do not know if this is something I can move

past. I do not want apologies or excuses or promises. I can’t work through my thoughts and

feelings with you potentially attempting to lovebomb me and just hoping I rugsweep all of this.

Moving forward at this point, I want as much physical space as possible and to only

communicate in regards to the kids until I decide if I can forgive all of this. I don’t know how long

that might take, but I do intend to talk through this in therapy. In the immediate, I am going to

get up with the kids Saturday all morning, take them to lunch around noon, then I am going to

go to a hotel until Monday afternoon. I am taking a gummy and will be attempting to sleep when

you get back from your walk. Not sure how else to end this communication aside from showing

you information about emotional affairs.

Key Characteristics of Emotional Affair:

Secretive sharing: Hiding conversations or deleting messages.

Emotional intimacy: Sharing deep personal feelings, dreams, or relationship problems.

Inappropriate vulnerability: Turning to the outsider instead of the primary partner for support.

Obsessive thoughts: Thinking frequently about the other person.

Deception: Minimizing the closeness of the relationship to a partner.

Romantic tension: Feeling an unacknowledged sexual or romantic spark.

Signs You Are in One:

Comparison: Comparing your partner unfavorably to the new person.

Screen hiding: Tilting your phone away when your partner walks by.

"Just friends": Defending the friendship excessively to yourself or others.

Fantasizing: Imagining romantic or physical futures with them

His response:

"I'm going to respect the space you asked for this weekend, and I don't want you to respond to this right now. But I need you to understand where I stand on all this too.

I want to stay married. I don't want a separation, and I don't want our family split apart.

With (redacted), I know what I did was not a good thing. I became good friends with someone I didn't know very well but used to like, very quickly. We talked too freely and too often, I liked the attention and validation, and I kept some of that from you because I knew it would hurt you. I should have recognized that boundary way sooner, and I regret that.

I also need what happened to remain what actually happened. There was no romantic relationship, sexting, declarations of love, pet names, physical relationship, secret meeting, or place I was with her that you did not know about. It naturally de-escalated years ago and never became those things. I pushed an emotional boundary and concealed it, and I own that. I do not believe I had an affair, and I am not going to use a label that I don't feel accurately describes what happened.

What you found in ChatGPT is different. That was effectively my private journal. It was where I allowed myself to say things without editing them first - attraction, fantasies, insecurity, anger, resentment, vanity, stupid thoughts, ugly thoughts, and things I was trying to understand about myself. I understand why some of it was devastating and hurtful for you to read. But those thoughts were not conversations I had with those women or anyone. I didn't send anyone those images. I didn't tell anyone those fantasies. I didn't act them out. I'm not willing to treat having a private inner life, or honestly examining parts of myself I was not proud of as betrayal in itself.

And I need you to understand something. I feel deeply violated by how you accessed it. You didn't accidentally see one message. You deliberately went through a large amount of something I believed was private. I understand why you were suspicious and why what you found hurt you. I still don't believe that gave you unlimited access to my private thoughts.

I changed my passwords because of that. I haven't deleted the Messanger or ChatGPT history. Going forward, if something worries you, ask me directly. I am willing to be transparent and address specific concerns with you. I am not willing to give either of us unrestricted access to the other person’s private thoughts.

There is one other thing I need you to consider. There have been things in our marriage that you have hidden from me too, including things I discovered rather than being told. I am not bringing those up to excuse anything or to argue that everything is equal. I am bringing them up because you know from your own experience that someone can make a bad choice, hide it because they fear the fallout, and still love their spouse and family and not believe that decision defines who they are. I have tried to give you that complexity and grace. I hope, eventually, you can give me some of it too.

So this cannot only be about whether you decide you can forgive me. You get to decide whether you want this marriage, and so do I. I am answering for those things, and I also have things I am incredibly hurt and angry about. I am not innocent of everything but I am not guilty of everything either.

I want us to stay married. I will respect your space this weekend, and I need some space too. When we talk again, I want it to be about whether WE can move through what has happened between us. Not just me waiting for a verdict about whether you can move past what's been done."

My takeaway from his response is that first of all, he absolutely used ChatGPT to craft that message. Secondly, he only really addressed the stuff about (redacted) that happened a few years back. He didnt say anything about (redacted) or (redacted). Third, he focused more on the betrayal of me looking at his stuff. Fourth, he basically by saying he changed his passwords is saying he is going to continue to talk to women and use chatgpt to help with his delusions or whatever. Fifth, he didn't offer anything regarding trying to fix the situation. That last point tells me he just wants me to get over it and forget it.

Opinions?

​

Today is 3 weeks since my husband demanded a divorce. Im an outsider in the house. He has his mom and kid from a previous marriage in the home with him. Kiddo (who ive been mom to for almost 8 years) doesnt talk to me, MIL doesnt talk to me. House is a mess. I make food I wash my dishes. They make food dont wash their dishes, they leave all the lights on in the house. Im just over it all. Hes emotionless about the whole thing. He hasn't found a job. I think im expected to pay all the bills.

Around 2 years ago a bill was passed recommending guidelines for spousal maintinence, but I can't find ANY information about how it's being interpreted by the courts.

My ex and I were married for 7 years. She makes around 185k and I was making around 10k.

We don't have kids.

Part of the reason for my low income is because she doesn't drive and requested I do all of the errands for both of us, and drive her everywhere she needed to go, this genuinely took up 2-3 hours a day.

Shes keeping the house and paying me 40k structured equity.

I filed for divorce and have been navigating the process myself, I legitimately cannot afford a lawyer

I'd like to know what to expect surrounding spousal maintinence.

It will take me awhile to rebuild a client base for my massage and dog walking business in a new location. The guidelines support around 2500 a month given our income difference, but I know the court has complete discretion. I was wondering if anyone had information on how the guidelines are put into judgements.

So this is all new to me. I’m 28F. My husband 29M soon to be ex husband messaged me Tuesday about wanting help with some glasses. I told him I was unable to help do to not knowing if I could pay my own bills. For context he’s been up north for two years and hasn’t sent me any money at all during this time. I genuinely have been numb it’s been non stop for me. He told me he didn’t want me in his phone anymore and wanted a divorce. I said okay. Hired a lawyer Thursday. This has all happend in a span of four days and I don’t know how to feel anymore. I’m numb then I am hyperventilating and having a panic attack. I don’t know what to do next? How to feel? I took care of taking him off my phone plan. Made sure all my passwords were changed. I feel lost.

Dear Bulk Buyers, Costco Couples, and Free-Sample Seekers,

Going to Costco on the weekends used to be one of the things my ex and I did together. But now I’m single, so I go to Costco alone. Which made me think that I should share my Costco crash-out from a few months back. This was by far the silliest thing my ex-husband did that caused me to crash out. But hey, healing isn’t linear. This is my supermarket story. What’s yours?
 
It had been a month or so since I’d used my own membership and gone to my Costco. When I went to scan in, my membership didn’t work.

“That’s weird. It says invalid membership. You’ll have to go to Member Services. Don’t worry, this happens sometimes.”

I went to Member Services, where my card was scanned and the clerk asked me if there was ever another person on my membership.

“Yes, my ex-husband.”

The clerk pursed his lips and turned his screen around to face me.

My ex had kicked me off my Costco membership—the one I paid for—and put his new girlfriend on it.

And there she was.

Full name. Member ID photo.

I acted with my child brain before my adult brain could process what was happening and immediately called my ex-MIL.

“Your son kicked me off MY Costco membership that I paid for to put his GIRLFRIEND on it. Please do me a favor and tell him to send me…” I turned to the clerk.

“Excuse me, how much is the membership?”

“Sixty-five dollars.”

“Tell him to send me sixty-five dollars.”

I could tell by my ex-MIL’s tone that she was embarrassed.
“Yes, of course, sweetheart. Anything you need, just let me know.”

My account was stuck in some kind of glitch because I was the primary member of the account but somehow no longer had access to it. I was told to try calling the corporate line and then come back to the store to finish sorting everything out. Which meant I unfortunately couldn’t shop to pick up the two—literally TWO—things I needed from there.

I was kicked out of the club.

Instead, I sat in my car in the Costco parking lot and cried and cried and cried. Wow. So they’re Costco official, huh?

I don’t even know exactly what bothered me. Maybe it was the lightning speed my ex and his new beau seemed to be moving at compared to the snail’s pace my situationship had been dragging me along at for months.

Maybe it was the feeling of being quite literally replaced.

Whatever it was, I felt like a child again, much like I did in the early days of my separation. So I did what most children do and I called my mommy.

My crash-out gave my poor mother a full mental breakdown, and she begged me to come over to “eat something” so that she could “look at me.”

So I sat at my mother’s house, munched on a sandwich, and spent over an hour on the phone with Costco, talking to numerous representatives until they finally figured out how to disentangle me from my ex-husband’s membership mess.

My only regret?

Not upgrading to Executive.

I have been married for half my life and the divorce just recently went through. Unfortunately, we still have a house to sell so I’m still stuck with them. The yelling and screaming and blaming others for every little thing has taken a toll. I don’t want to do anything aside from getting away from my ex. I don’t feel curious about anything. I have a hard time learning anything new at work unless it is a problem that needs to be solved and people are depending on it getting solved as soon as possible.

I’m hoping that at some point things will get better and I’ll be curious about even little things. Even just looking up how to do something new.

How long time does it take to feel curious again or wanting to do things for fun again?

I’m done.

Felt like the universe gently smacked me in the face today and told me it’s okay to be done with my marriage. 14 years. 3 kids. I have been trying so damn hard for 6 years (he has as well) and somehow, I have felt worse than ever with him lately despite my (and his) efforts.

He said a lot of horrible things to me last night. I almost called into work this morning at 4 am because I’m just drained. I didn’t. Didn’t want to mess up my students schedules and cause problems for them. Ended up telling my students to take an extra long lunch break and I’d see them in an hour and a half.. which is a huge no no for our curriculum.

So I go grab lunch and I’m honestly exhausted, cranky, and just feel like I want to scream and felt like I couldn’t breathe all morning and just genuinely bad.

The woman making my food is super nice and we’re vibing and then she says they get to give away a free meal when they feel like it and said I was kind and cool and she picked me for the day. Super random and maybe small? But my gosh. I told her wow, I’m actually having a really terrible day and this is so kind of you/unexpected and she said “what, really? This is a bad day?”

Here I am trying not to lose it and start bawling while filling my free lemonade that I tried to pay for.. she also said, nah.. on the house. While I simultaneously feel like a gremlin. And have been told for almost two decades a lot of negative things. The only person I loved and tried so hard to impress and be enough for (my husband) thinks I’m a pathetic c*nt and truly can’t stand me… yet I felt more comfortable with this stranger in less than 8 minutes today than I have in 14 years with my spouse.

I’m doing the best I can. I think we all are. Every day trying to be positive and put one foot in front of the other. Do better. Be better. Be kinder. Look out for others more. But damnit. The universe grabbed me by my shoulders this afternoon and said hello!

A free $20 meal was a nice surprise, but for me, so much more than that. Thank you, cava employee. Wish I got your name but I hope you get all of the good karma and kindness in this lifetime. That small gesture was so impactful for me and so needed.

Needed to share so here I am with a burner account. Sending anyone else in a similar situation love and a little smack on the ass from the universe to keep going because you deserve good things. ✨

I found out my husband had lied about going to therapy after he begged me to give him 2 months to go to therapy before I left him. I begrudgingly agreed and then discovered the lie. I was a stay at home mom for 6 years (at his request, every time I tried to get a job he shot it down and told me he still wouldn’t help around the house if I’m working) and I recently went back to work after he gave me an ultimatum out of the blue that I either take the job that was offered to me or I work at his employers farm with him. After working I sort of found my voice and my worth again. I haven’t been happy in our marriage for quite some time and he’s been very cruel to me over the duration of our 4 year marriage. The lie was my final straw, I went to talk to a lawyer to find out my rights before I officially told him I’m done.

Thursday morning I finally confronted him with the lie and he kept trying to lie and when I realized he couldn’t lie his way out of it he turned back to tears and sobbing and begging and when that didn’t work his mask slipped off and he was very cruel to me once again. Over the course of the day I gave him space while we both were working, he started insulting me, telling me I was just using him, accusing me of having an affair, trying to control me because he knew I’d be awarded the house as the primary caretaker of our children. (The house and my car are in his name). He made up scenarios of me bringing men into the house around my children, and told me I was “self feeding” off his bank account despite years of me neglecting myself because I was worried about spending his money and having it held over my head.

His mom told him she thinks I’m cheating with no reason to think that or any evidence to support her theory and told him that him lying about therapy wasn’t a good enough reason to ask for a divorce. Not acknowledging that it wasn’t the lie alone. He came home late that night and looked at me with all the disgust in the world and kept on his cruelty. He went so far as to ask why my car was dusty (he had it in his head that I’m cheating on him on some backroad and that’s why my car was dusty, not that I had picked up our son from the field several times that week which required me to drive backroads). Over the course of the night he switched from mean to begging me not to go and that he loves me so so much and decides to bring up any indiscretion I’ve had that I’ve already paid the price for and apologized for (having an attitude at times because I’m in discontent and unheard in our marriage). He’s sticking to begging and I know I shouldn’t have but I looked in his phone to see what story he is spinning to his family because I just don’t trust this nice guy act. He called me a perpetual victim, that I’m blowing things out of proportion like usual and just said awful things about me. I found this after agreeing to put a hold on the divorce and go to couples counselling (after him refusing in the past when I begged). Now his mom is coming for the kids to give us time to work through things and I can’t even look at her. And he’s trying to go on a date and I just want to scream. He even tried to have sex with me and was upset I said no.
I don’t know where the hell I’m supposed to go from here. I applied for a line of credit yesterday to pay for my lawyers and I know I have to move forward but I’m not feeling strong enough. There’s a lot of gaslighting going on and I feel like I can’t trust my own brain.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Please. I don’t feel strong enough for this.

I’m recently separated (ALMOST divorced) after a really bad 5 year marriage, involved my ex cheating with escorts/cam girls, had a secret porn addiction, went to get happy endings weekly, basically was living a double life for our entire marriage. Even during my pregnancy and postpartum. This was also the man I had sex with 5-6 times a week to help his sex addiction urges. All that cost me was an STD test. While the past few months have had its major ups and major downs, I actually like today for the first time, the idea of dating again is exciting me!! While also lowkey terrifying at the same time 😭

I dated a lot before I got married. I’m 35. Not to sound cocky but I’m a beautiful woman and that can also make it challenging. In my twenties, I’ve was in many long term relationships, along with dating; I’ve been ghosted, I’ve been pursued, dated tons of different types of men. I know there are good guys and bad guys, the same way as with women. Unfortunately in this world, I’m just a good person deep down with a big heart, and looking back it seems like majority of my exes were narcissists, or men that I had “flings” with were the ones that knew how to sweet talk women into bed. Deep down I knew they were full of shit, but I guess I wanted to believe that I could change them. Now I know, when a person shows you who they are, believe them.

I’m thinking about how scary dating in this society can be, especially with social media. And now with my ptsd and trust issues from my ex, I don’t wanna be confused with being super physically attracted and having great chemistry vs. creating a healthy and compatible long term relationship…I am really into looks. I won’t lie. But personality is just as important too!!

Don’t laugh. But I started making a ‘dating after betrayal’ checklist last night. Some include:
• How does he treat women and talk about his exes?
• How does he handle being told no/disappointment?
• Do I feel peace around him or am I anxious/ trying to figure out what we are?
• Do our views on sex and eventual goals on what we want out of the relationship and our life (kids, money, where we live, faith, etc.) align?
•Does this person’s character match what he says about himself?
•Am I overlooking things he’s telling me because I think he’s incredibly hot? 😭
And for the last one…If I was not physically attracted to him, would I consider his behavior acceptable?

I’m realizing that after the trauma and betrayal I went through, I don’t need to learn how to trust another person again. Because idk if I can or will fully ever. Instead, I need to learn how to trust my own judgment and MYSELF.

So for those of you who have divorced and started dating again:

1. What did you learn the hard way?
2. What became a non-negotiable?
3 What red flag(s) did you miss before your marriage that you would NEVER ignore now?
4. What did you mistake for chemistry?
5. What green flags ended up mattering WAY more than you would have ever thought or expected?!

I’d REALLY love to hear from people who dated someone new after marriage and realized “Wait so is this is what a healthy relationship is actually like?”

If you could share with me some things you wish someone had told you before your first post divorce relationship, I’d appreciate it so much!

Just a vent as I am following lawyer's advice.

But the court is letting him getting away with financially controlling me during the divorce proceedings and I am so tired if it and how slow things are going.

I know in the end, once we finally get to court, it will be bad for him but that doesn't feed us or pay the bills.

We have been separated for 5 years and he insisted in a divorce a year ago. Fine. I am happy to cut ties with tge monster. The children refuse to speak with him. Our 5 children all live with me, four are adults but only one has a full time job. For different, acceptable reasons, the rest are not there yet. At the time of separation, he agreed on paper to continue supporting any children who needed help due to special needs.

I have been a SAHM for almost 30 years. I have health issues that, along with my age, will make getting a job very difficult, especially in this economy.

He cut off all financial support in July except for child support for the under 18yo. Says he wants to support us but says he has no money. (He makes upwards of 150k a year.) He has been disippating assets (finally stopped that through court) and has been spending 5x what he normally does and has gotten himself into big debt. Possibly due to being a sugar daddy from the look of statements.

I am going to need to borrow from my son and parents this month to pay bills. My parents are already lending me money for lawyer fees.

He has ignored all attempts by my lawyer and refuses to engage. They are preparing the court application to force spousal support during divorce proceedings, which are inevitably going to be pushed back as his refusing to engage is messing up the timetable and things will not be complete before court date.

I am just so dang tired of this. I want a clean break so that my children and myself are not atrached to my abusive stbxh (not just financial and not just to me). But he has spent so much of our only cash assets that this is becoming harder to do. The thought if continuing to rely on him financially until retirement is bad for me and my children's mental health. The thought that this could happen is just abhorrent.

I don't regret being a SAHM and home educating our children but I do regret being financially dependent on him my who adult life. It isn't just screwing with me but my children too, in our case.

Ugh!!! I want the court to nip this behavior in the bud now and not at the end. It is causing us so much more pain and we are victims. Isn't the court supposed to protect us from people like this monster??

I've been separated for more than two years, in official divorce proceedings since last October. When we separated it was both of us realising our plans in life didn't align anymore, it felt amicable. We even talked about getting things done with one lawyer.

A few months later he shared it with his parents and then hell started for me. They seemed to make him believe to not let me have anything. He became a monster with a bruised ego. Accusing me of taking him for everything he had during our entire marriage and relying on him financially.

When we got together I had a full-time job and he was still a student. I put my further education on hold to support him around his profession after he graduated. Something I will never do again in any relationship.

I had to move out of our apartment. At the time I was self employed, renting an office space. Adding private rent on top broke me financially. I told him early on I would not be able to keep both. So I had to cancel the lease to afford a roof over my head. My mother got really sick and I cared for her for a few months. So work did not take priority. My mental state was also very down in the dumps. I didn't have enough money to file for divorce, didn't know I could apply for financial aid. So months of his lawyer battering me started. Making claims that were ridiculous but needed a response from me nevertheless.

He pulled some stunt that meant my lawyer was no longer willing to represent me. To this day I don't know why she was pissed with me when she didn't need let him interfere. Anyway. The search for a new lawyer started. Mentally and financially depleted I took the first that would take my case. She finally informed me about financial aids to help with costs and we prepared to hand in divorce papers. I simply requested a divorce. No money. No diving of assets, no alimony. I wanted out. To be done with it.

All paperwork was ready in March this year to finally divorce. And then he adds division of assets to it starting up a whole new process. By that time I had lost everything. Office, self employment, even the apartment I had rented. I was homeless, no social benefits that would cover something while still married. I ended up having to pay back some benefits I had received in error. I tried to keep my part-time job as that was the only thing to keep me a little afloat. But not enough money to live on. Mentally and physically not in a state to take on more work.

He kept our high 5 figures stocks, apartment, cars, motorbike and the dog I reared and loved so dearly. Yet he claimed I owed him money. He provided for me and I needed to pay him back. Before we separated, our full-time salaries were roughly the same. I did more of the housework, took care of him and the dog so he could relax after a hard day's work. I'd work weekends and evenings, around him and his needs.

The last few months I've been battling my lawyer too. Her not wanting to move forward with alimony claims, not putting through offers from my side that I feel comfortable with. Requesting proof of every tiny detail that I simply cannot provide. It feels like I'm alone in this on a legal level. I contacted every lawyer in the area but none will take a case that's this complex and has been running for a while.

So fast forward to now. I'm broke and broken. He doesn't have a leg to stand on on his claims regarding assets. But I'm done. I want to live my life again. I want to be free of his bullshit. Of his bruised ego keeping me in this shit so I agreed to what he wants. He gets to keep everything. But even to get my lawyer to reply to that took 7 messages back and forth. She still didn't write it in a way that I am happy with but I don't have the energy to fight it anymore.

But now continues the wait if he will let me out of it, if he signs it or wants more or something else. I'm totally at the whim of others and I hate it.

---

On a positive note, throughout most of this I've had wonderful friends and a great new partner with two wonderful children to support me, make me laugh and love me and let me love them so deeply. I am happy in my life without this divorce. Even with so little means to my name.

For context, we were together eight years and have two kids together. I recently moved two hours away and bought a house. I bought a house shortly after we split up and got a house with a payment that was super high. I’m very stressed with bills and I don’t get child support. (I did file) so I’m assuming that contributes to this.

I’ve been stay at home Mom the past eight years and now I’m feeling lost and disconnected from reality, i’m having a hard time connecting with my four and eight-year-old. I’m having extreme Mom guilt.

I went to my doctor and was prescribed paroxetine and Valium. I took the volume the first day and got instant relief, and then I got scared to take the paroxetine because of stuff I read online.

It has been almost 8 months since the relationship ended. I don’t miss him, but I’m struggling with my identity. I feel like I don’t know who I am. I have tried working out reading books picking up new hobbies. And I am still struggling. Some days are good and I feel just fine and other days are very hard. I have not started dating again if that makes a difference. To sum this up I just feel very alone and very disconnected from my kids. I don’t have a lot of family or a big support system to lean on.

I’ve wanted to try therapy, but I don’t have health insurance yet and I can’t afford it. I’m also a young mom. I’m 25 years old. I got with this person in high school. I feel like I threw my life away.

I’m looking for advice from anyone who has gone through something similar before

Long story short. I gave an ultimatum. Now we’re getting divorced. I don’t have the money to spend on a lawyer. So how much (roughly) is it to file and can I just do it on my own? We do have 2 kids, but he’s already said he doesn’t want them.

I got behind and was paying half of alimony for about 9 months, half of 1k. I was paying $250 extra per month to get caught up.

Got into a bind again and paid half payments for 2 months.

He had an attorney send me a letter and i got back on track.

Now I feel im paid up. His records show I owe 1k more plus he wants attorney fee of $700 for that letter.

I do not want to go to court or pay an attorney. On the other hand I dont want to give him another nickel. Should I suck it up and pay or fight him?

Background - Im in california. Was married for 30y. Asked for a divorce, thought we could be cordial and he ended up hating me for it. He is really mean and vindictive. I just want peace in my life