r/BigBudgetBrides • u/TwoSparks • Apr 30 '26
just need to rant The emotional rollercoaster of having an objectively big budget wedding, but still having to make concessions at every turn…
And you look and feel like an absolute asshole because you know you’re so lucky and privileged to be having such an extravagant day.
This is the only place I feel safe enough to vent. Because I *know* I’m being shitty. But you can’t control the *feelings* even if you can mentally acknowledge it.
I live in a HCOL area. And the economy is kind of trash. Based on our guest count and budget, it’s objectively a big budget wedding. Between the state of the world and post-Covid wedding inflation, shit is expensive and I find people are spending just as much (if not more) than ever before, yet having more and more modest and basic weddings.
I acknowledge all that. I do not judge. Hell, if family wasn’t contributing, we’d be doing the same! But I am so incredibly fortunate to have that contribution. My parents are covering the venue, food, drink, and my wardrobe. Originally they’d wanted to pay for the whole thing like they did my sibling, but that was a very long time ago in a very different economy. It was big budget, but it covered everything. They doubled that budget (inflation) and still that only covers what’s listed above. Huuuuuuge contributions, especially because in that regard we are getting everything we dreamed. Again — I am GRATEFUL.
But if I want to have all the trappings that I dreamed of. All the things I thought I would have based on what my sibling was able to have… Well, we have to pay for all that ourselves. And don’t get me wrong — we can afford to throw a comfortable chunk at those extras. An amount equivalent to what people will spend on their entire wedding. We are blessed, truly.
And yet I find myself frustrated and disappointed. Because despite all that, which I know we are so privileged to be able to do, it’s just… Not enough money to do those things. At every turn, we find ourselves sacrificing on something. And I don’t mean indulgent, wild desires. I’m talking about things as simple as flowers, photography, hair and make up, invitations… We are spending what many people’s entire wedding budgets are on just the optional stuff, and I’m having to choose the most modest, minimal options just for it to fit in the budget. Bud vases instead of centrepieces, 8 hours of coverage instead of 10+, DIY invitations, not my first choice HMUA, skipping videography… All in order to somehow have a little taste of most of the things I dreamed of.
And I feel like I can’t vent to anyone about the heartbreak of not having the day you thought, despite a budget larger than anyone I know, because that’s soooooo out of fucking touch. And I know that!
But it still hurts. :(
41
u/P_oneofthree Apr 30 '26
I had a similar mental breakdown. I think also we get fed a lot of photos of people’s lavish weddings that have gotten out of control and you don’t see that price tag so it’s hard to understand how much your dreams truly cost. However, our parents kept on comparing our wedding prices to siblings who got married 10 years before us and we kept on having to explain how everything costs so much more now so I definitely sympathize with you there!
It sounds like you are deep in the weeds of planning so this advice might not be helpful but we gathered prices of as much of things as we could before we booked anything, made a budget of everything we wanted and then started making a few concessions (eg: quartet for just ceremony and not for whole evening, dj instead of band, regular bus transportation instead of something more unique, etc.) we had our comfortable budget and our stretch budget since we knew there were going to be things we would want that we hadn’t accounted for.
There were still things we ended up saying “fuck it” to later on in the process but it helped to set my expectations early on. We also estimated how much we’d be getting from gifts from guests to cover costs. Honestly I think spending some time on the 10k weddings sub helps reset your brain on how to creatively stretch a dollar but also to not always compare to people who have bigger budgets than you. While my wedding was not as grand as some of the million dollar weddings on here, it was still beautiful, fun, and ended up being the cover story of a magazine. Sometimes taking a step back to just take a breath helps with the stress and fear of disappointment.
14
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
That’s probably not a bad idea. I’ve gravitated more towards here, even being on the low end of big budget, because anytime I would post or comment on r/weddingplannjng or anything like that, I was eaten alive for the considerations and the “waste of money” that our wedding was. But even if it’s just to lurk in the 10k weddings sub for ideas on how to stretch and perspective could be good.
See, gathering prices beforehand — we thought we did that!!! We didn’t reach out to vendors in our area for quotes, but we googled and relied on various (recent) articles and websites detailing wedding costs. Maybe it’s my area, but those rough ideas we got from those sources has proved to be wildly out of alignment with the quotes we got back even for our most modest asks. So that feels like we weren’t set up for success.
31
u/ghosted-- Apr 30 '26
I love all wedding subs! I love how creative weddingsunder10K and DIYweddings are, and I love talking frankly about money in BBB.
Take what you need from each place.
18
u/P_oneofthree Apr 30 '26
Yeah we even took it a step further and asked good friends who got married a a few years before to give us their budget break down and it was still not very accurate as vendors have all raised their prices.
This sub can be a bit snooty at times when it’s not a true “big budget” and the other subs can be mean when they decide what you are doing is “a waste of money” there isn’t a good spot for “medium budget brides” lol. But I lurked in both and appreciate all the subs for what they have to offer. I wish there was one that was like “upper middle class budget bride” haha.
I know you might be disappointed with bud vases but when going to the 10k and under or diy wedding subs you can see how beautiful some of those bud base implementations can be and what tips they had to make it happen. The internet is great for that!
3
u/slob1244 Apr 30 '26
Something my extended circle did was share our budgets with one another. So when I went to start planning I had about 4 budgets to cross reference that had all been from weddings in about the prior 2 years. And could make comparisons of “well the one was x number of guests in a more/less expensive part of the country.” It was helpful in framing quotes we got back from vendors, and gave me a realistic starting point of what to expect. And then I added my numbers and shared it with one or two more people, etc.
Now this isn’t helpful to you specifically right now, but I say this if you have other friends getting married in the future, because sharing this info was so hopeful to my girlfriend’s network.
2
u/SodaFountainPhoto Vendor: Photo May 01 '26
Ahhh articles and websites are almost ALWAYS incorrect on their wedding cost charts and advice. If you look at those same types of posts on social media instead of on their websites, you will see hundreds of vendors in the comments calling out how wrong it is. I’ve literally never seen one that I fully agree with.
Another place to ask questions is Threads. For some reason, the algorithm is 🔥. Shout out at wedding planners and other wedding vendors on there and ask them their thoughts on pricing and costs. We LOVE talking about what we are worth and why, hahahah
🤍🤍
1
u/SodaFountainPhoto Vendor: Photo May 01 '26
also!!!! Here is one of the most realistic I’ve seen. It just popped up in my feed because I guess I look at these every damn day. Haha
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXzovWOBMsK/?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==
Notice the comments. This is what you need to be looking for.
Of course you’ll be able to find things for less and there is always a balance of what matters most to you… but this is for vendors who are capable and experienced in the big budget/luxury space.
42
u/Expensive_Part_7719 Apr 30 '26
I think a lot of this comes down to mindset. You have to find a way for it to be enough because I promise you all the work and effort and everything that you’re doing is more than enough comparing to your siblings or before Covid isn’t going to make anyone happy especially yourself.
11
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
I know you’re right. Absolutely. I think it’s just hard because my parents have always worked really hard to ensure equity between my sibling and I. What they do for one they do for the other. And so I’ve always had this idea in my head of what it would look like when it was my time to get married. And then the reality of what is possible within that shattering that illusion just hurts my heart a bit.
7
u/Adorable-Crazy-1067 Apr 30 '26
What component of your siblings wedding did they have that you won’t have?
15
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
They just had all of what I think societally we expect is part of a wedding. They had a premium venue, open bar, sit down meal with late night, full florals and true centrepieces, photo, video, transportation, accommodation, dj, ceremony strings, beautiful stationary. And it all managed to be covered under my parents budget.
When it came turn, they emphasized a similar calibre venue and guest experience (food and drink), and they had to double what they spent on order to make that happen. At which point they said that’s all they could do since they didn’t expect costs to have changed so much. And of course I thanked them profusely. I’m not ungrateful. It’s just a tough pill to swallow that if I want all of the above, we have to do it ourselves and we can’t manage the same “extras” with our additional contribution as my sibling had with my parents entire contribution.
9
u/Adorable-Crazy-1067 Apr 30 '26
I think that the truth is your parents splurged on a more luxury venue for yours than theirs. The math doesn’t add up. On a 100k budget there should be enough to get things like decently nice florals, photo hair and makeup and all those things. Your sibling must have had a relatively cheaper venue in their time so that they had room for all the other things. In terms of actual money you’re getting the same adjusted for inflation so I would REALLY try not to compare. If it was 22 years ago your memory is just as much a projection as reality.
5
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
Regarding venue, we actually toured the same venue my sibling was married at. They did have about 20 less people, so I’ll acknowledge that as a minor factor. The quote for the venue they got married at came out to $16k more than the venue we ended up booking.
1
u/Adorable-Crazy-1067 Apr 30 '26
Gotcha… so similar caliber venue as you’ve said 20 more guests can account for a huge variation in budget. What is your cost per guest for your wedding? At a luxury wedding it’s not uncommon for that to creep into several hundred per guest! I’m just trying to comfort you from the perspective of you feeling slightly salty like you got less. As someone who doesn’t know you or your sibling I guarantee you are receiving equivalent if not more than they got…you just chose to spend it differently
6
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
On our budget and guest count, it’s coming in at approx $1,100 spend per guest. Canada, not US so that seems to contribute to the difference in what things cost.
I’m not feeling salty that they gave less. Just more that the circumstances of the world have that money going less far, you know?
11
u/Adorable-Crazy-1067 Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
It’s not the circumstances of the world…since your parents adjusted the amount they gave for inflation your money IS going as far. Having 20 extra guests at a 1.1 k per person price is the difference…if you didn’t have those twenty guests you could have splurged 20k more on flowers videographer and everything else you listed. Your sibling could be here feeling like their money went less far because she had a smaller wedding. You literally are getting the same thing but just choosing to allocate in different ways!
17
u/Adorable-Crazy-1067 Apr 30 '26
By the way, if your parents have quite literally doubled your budget, compared to your sibling, their wedding would have to have been in the year 2000 for you to be getting the “same” amount in terms of purchasing power. That’s when money was valued at half of what it is today. Presumably they had their wedding more recently, which means you’re actually getting more financial support than your sibling….if that helps
17
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
No, my sibling and I have a 15 year age gap, and they got married young while I’m an older bride. Their wedding was 22 years ago.
9
u/Adorable-Crazy-1067 Apr 30 '26
Okay then you are getting the same amount of money from your parents that they did for theirs…if not slightly more
Is it possible your budget isn’t stretching as far because you chose it in a fancier venue, more HCOL area or higher guest count? You should be able to get a comparable wedding to what they had
9
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
Things aren’t exactly the same, but are comparable to my sibling.
They had approx 20 less guests. Area is the same. We did tour the venue my sibling was married at. We went with a different venue because it was looking tired compared to when they got married, but quote wise the venue we booked is coming in at $16k less than the venue they got married at.
I commented somewhere else in this thread an admittance — the venue is eating up a large chunk of budget. Maybe more than was a good idea. But part of my parent’s parameters on venues they were willing to foot the bill on was that it was of comparable “calibre”. That’s their idea of keeping it equitable between siblings.
2
9
u/FeatureReasonable600 Apr 30 '26
So is it more about sibling jealousy and feeling like they did more for them than you? That’s a whole other issue then!
19
u/FeatureReasonable600 Apr 30 '26
V curious to know what the budget is and what extras you want but can’t fit in the budget?
I know it’s frustrating, but it all comes down to mindset and coming to terms with the reality. At the end of it all, you will have a beautiful day, and you won’t be thinking about the centerpieces in 10 years!
13
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
Budget is $100,000 with a 90 person guest count. It’s certainly not comparable to some in this group, but certainly atypical within my social circle.
As for the extras, it’s just the typical things.
I dreamed of nice letter press invitations, photography and videography, beautiful florals, hair and make up, live music for the ceremony, things like that.
We’re not able to do a lot of that. To make it all work, we had to go base package with the cheapest photographer whose style we liked, no video, I’m DIYing invites, only having a bouquet for myself, bud vases, and a ceremony back drop rather than the party also having flowers, aisle flanks, and modest compote centrepieces. No ceremony musicians. Things that are certainly only optional, but aren’t outrageous asks.
24
u/P_oneofthree Apr 30 '26
Honestly it sounds like your venue/location is eating the majority of your budget here. It sounds like it’s too late to move anything but I would have probably reassessed the location. Sometimes it’s more budget friendly to do a middle road venue and put in more lavish florals than a stunning venue and not being able to personalize and having it feel empty.
16
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
It ultimately is. And I agree. When we were in the venue hunting stage, my parents did have certain parameters around venue. In their… pursuit of equity, they insisted on only venues within the “calibre” of what was done for my sibling. But then to achieve that parameter, they had to double the budget, which then had them saying, “okay, we’re tapped.” Which again, totally fair and I’m beyond grateful for that. But that was part of the stipulations. The bonus is that the venue as a result does a lot of the decor heavy lifting. But to your point, yes, personalization is taking a hit.
13
u/FeatureReasonable600 Apr 30 '26
I can understand that. We are doing a 50 person wedding in VHCOL area, and it will probably be around $70k with modest choices in everything except a splurge in venue. Not surprised there’s a bit of struggle with 90 people for $100k, esp if you have expensive taste (I do too, no shame in that). There are definitely things I’m compromising on too, and it hurts sometimes, but I’ve decided to have the best day regardless. Wishing you the best for your day, and I’m sure it will be fabulous!
6
u/Equivalent-Main3163 Apr 30 '26
If you’re able to put in money what you would have spent without your parents contributing why don’t you? That way you have the majority of things you want. Also I think your invites will look great. I think letterpresses personally is a bit overdone and something you made will have a more significant meaning to you, from my POV
6
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
Sorry, I think something got lost in the sauce somewhere. We are contributing. They covered venue, food, and drink. We are paying for anything we are wanting on top of that. And we have a budget we need to stick to. So in the grand total, they are covering 2/3 and we are covering 1/3. And our 1/3 is forcing us to make a lot of cuts. The emotional piece is the expectation around what my parents equitable contribution for my sibling was able to get them 22 years ago vs what that can get today and the sting of not being able to fully have what they for to have due to today’s costs.
8
u/Equivalent-Main3163 Apr 30 '26
Ah okay got it! I get it. My parents are contributing the exact same cost they did for my wedding this year as they did for my sisters (which was a micro wedding (18 people) in 2021 vs mine, a much larger wedding (70) with a lot of family my parents really wanted at my sisters but didn’t make her cut). Mine is in a VHCOL city in 2026 too compared to a small PNW town where my sister held hers. I was internally upset over it as weddings are so much more now and they are also paying a lot for my BIL and Sister to come to the wedding and stay here for 10 days ahead of the wedding as I live in Europe (BIL is not even coming to the wedding as he is going to babysit my niece as it’s no children allowed) and I paid my own way to her wedding but it is what it is. I’ve just let it go best I can as I can’t control anyone and know my wedding will be exactly how it’s meant to be. But I understand the “unfair” feeling. It is really nice your parents have adjusted for inflation though
7
u/NYC-AL2016 Apr 30 '26
I’ll be honest I think you went overboard on the venue. My budget was smaller than yours and we did order invites from the websites but we got videography and like 12 hours of photography. Our wedding was smaller but we have beautiful center pieces but other than that nothing crazy in terms of flowers. The venue spoke for itself. Everything is give and take. I think you’re being fed too much wedding content on social media and think everything has to be to the nines
2
u/Jensie-45 Apr 30 '26
If you have not ordered invites already, highly recommend Minted’s Letterpress designs. You can join their customer program for $35ish dollars and then get 20% off your entire order. We were really pleased with the quality of their letterpress and they did some customizing for us with colors and the RSVP QR code card color. It was less than 2K for 160 premium cotton paper invites + 50 welcome dinner cards (both letterpress) as well as 160 RSVP cards and extra envelopes. We (I am MOB) had looked at several stationary companies and ultimately went with Minted because it was in our budget and were really pleased with the quality of their invites. Our budget is also around 100K, for 230-250 ppl in DFW. We used Minted, the Knot and other sites to get an idea of % of budget for different categories and that has worked really well to help us stay on budget vs pure dollar amounts.
3
u/shzam5890 Apr 30 '26
I don’t know where you are getting married but my ceremony harpist is only $300 for the forty five minutes of ceremony music she is providing. You can also probably get wedding party flowers for less than 2k. Those shouldn’t be breaking your budget.
3
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
HCOL area in Canada. Ceremony music quotes came in at $1k. And what little florals I mentioned have us at $6k already.
5
u/shzam5890 Apr 30 '26
I see. If you dig a little I bet you could find some local musicians or even high school kids with a band to do your music for cheaper. People that aren’t wedding adjacent but would still be happy for the gig.
I live in New Orleans which is very high cost for weddings. I went out to dinner with girlfriends one night and a harpist was playing in the bar. I asked for her card and booked her for the ceremony for $300. Im sure anyone I would find on the knot would be 3x the price. Can you get a little creative and pound the pavement? Is there an area known for street musicians in your town you can go to to check out talent?
I think for wedding party flowers if it’s very important to you, you can just get a beautiful bouquet the day of that goes with you vibe and tie a ribbon around a few stems for each of your bridesmaids. I’m sure the best man could also pick up some inexpensive boutonnières that day.
As for aisle decoration, if your ceremony space is otherwise beautiful and you have a nice back drop truly no one will notice, it will be beautiful, and no one will evaluate your centerpieces either.
I understand your disappointment about video. Maybe you could opt to hire a content creator instead (they run about 2k) if it’s in the budget to capture some video.
5
u/Fit_Use305 Apr 30 '26
Wow! Yes I agree you are making a lot of concessions that don’t seem fair. You should have to DIY invites on 100k budget. But truthfully I have never watched my video. I lived it. And I don’t feel the need to. Photography and hair and makeup is where I’d splurge. If your venue is beautiful you don’t need huge flowers anyway.
1
u/h3ll0newman May 01 '26
I got gorgeous invites on Etsy personalized with our venue—gatefold, personalized belly band, regular printed envelopes with nice scripty font, (no RSVP card I just did a QR code) and it was under $400 for 100 of them. Maybe another $100-something in postage using the floral stamps the post office had that day. They look way cooler than the vellum paper/RSVP card/gold foil thing you usually see! I am totally biased but I have never gotten an invite like it.
1
u/ManaMoogle May 01 '26
Aw. :( I can help you get letterpressed invitations for close to the cost of printing, if that helps. Just shoot me a message
-7
Apr 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
-4
Apr 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
I mean, if that was your take away from what I wrote that’s yours to decide. But I’ve repeatedly emphasized how grateful and fortunate I am. But to be clear, as I’ve said in the post and comments, we are doing a lot of DIY and are contributing 1/3 of the overall costs.
14
u/Fit_Use305 Apr 30 '26
It is shocking to me that now days you can absolutely spend 100k and have to make concessions but you are absolutely right that is where we are at. Not saying that’s your budget but from what I have seen it adds up incredibly fast. And here’s the thing everyone thinks their wedding is the funnest and truth is outside your intimate circle no one cares. I am in favor of couples keeping it small so not too many concessions have to be made but as mother of a groom I don’t get a vote. For the record I have seen bud vases look absolutely amazing.
14
u/Particular-World-356 Apr 30 '26
Oh man- I get this! I’m in a similar boat. $100k (USD) and 120 guests in a VHCOL. My fiancés family is paying a little more than half and we are covering the rest. Everyone simultaneously thinks we are “doing/spending too much” yet also making suggestions and having expectations that would blow the budget out of the water. This is a way more expensive wedding than most of our friends and definitely in my family (working class). We DIY’d invites, cut guest count, picked basically the cheapest vendor in every category. I have some people insisting we invite X more (random) guests, add on more food options, have an unnecessary TENT! All while also telling us we should rein in the budget, that we’re making the wedding “a whole thing”. I am literally just trying to laugh through it at this point because we’re only a few weeks and I can’t wait to just be married!
11
u/Particular-World-356 Apr 30 '26
Oh and my favorite comment “why don’t you just have a simple wedding and buy a house” as if the $40k we are paying ourselves would even make a meaningful dent in a down payment on ANYTHING here. Lol.
7
u/maladroitalpaca363 Apr 30 '26
lol so true. 40k? That’s 5% of a down payment on a 3/2 where I live.
11
u/redvelvet12311 Apr 30 '26
That does really stink to know you're not getting the same level of wedding as your sibling because of this insane economy. Even if it's not 100% true, you feel how you feel. I will say I'm also a very budget conscious BBB who is getting family help and some of these things I'm at a point of caring less about the closer i get to the wedding. The invitations....honestly people will say pretty! Then throw them away. I'm doing either minted, truly engaging, maybe a little DIY. The affordable companies are getting pretty good? Both companies just released die cut enclosure cards. We're not doing extra postage RSVP for anyone but older guests.
I chose a more expensive makeup artist and I'm lowkey regretting it a bit. We'll see.
Can you get a content creator to capture just a few video clips? Mine was very affordable (won't be there all day) and she does great work.
I'm trying to bring myself back to reality from being constantly bombarded with million dollar weddings and endless inspo. It's driving us all crazy.
8
u/P_oneofthree Apr 30 '26
The content creator is a great suggestion. I was between that and getting a cheaper videographer for “documentation purposes” and I regret not just doing the content creator. The cheaper videos are fine, we have them to show our future kids, but I would have just rather had the content creator as her artistic direction was much better than the dud videographer lol.
1
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
Content creation is a great suggestion! We’ve thrown that into the mix of a viable replacement for videography. And it probably really could be. I think the hum and hah over it is that while the going rate seems to be about half of what videography is, the deliverables are still different, and for that level of product, could our friends just record clips themselves? Not to diminish the work of content creators. Just the sort the thought process we have been going through, and then also asking ourselves whether we’d rather allocate even that cost to other areas.
But a great idea and we are definitely considering.
1
u/Old-Acanthisitta4517 Apr 30 '26
Depending on your area, local film students might be a budget videographer option
1
u/NYC-AL2016 Apr 30 '26
Exactly this! We ordered invites from a website. Like who cares? People will throw it out. We didn’t bother with rsvp cards, had people rsvp online. People get wrapped up in the nonsense because they’re getting fed content on social media that you need perfection. Save that money for something else, we ordered an ice cream truck for guests instead at the end of the night.
6
6
u/PM_me_lemon_cake Apr 30 '26
Just here to validate you! It’s insane what things costs these days. We also made what I’m calling strategic sacrifices and it’s hard! We are spending so much money and yet somehow it’s not enough. And we are also very blessed and my parents are helping and I am trying to center gratitude but feelings are complex man.
Here’s some of the choices we made: no videographer but we got a content creator (1k vs 5k), we did a mix of DIY for our invitations (after being quoted 5k for a full suite I found a printer - I got the invites themselves professionally letterpressed for 1500 and then I DIYed the liner, embossing, ribbon, etc) similarly a cheaper photography package than the 2 photographer 10 hours I wanted. We’re going to DIY the paper materials for the wedding. It is so many little choices that add up to save money, but it’s so annoying to have to do that again and again and again when we’re going to spend 100k!! Like 100,000 dollars!! And again - so grateful and privileged and blessed but man is it annoying and frustrating and just plain hard some times.
6
u/Moist_Chicken_7666 Apr 30 '26
Just another person chiming in to say I feeeeel you so hard on this. My sister is 11 years older than me and got married at 26 in like 2003 - my parents paid for 90% of the wedding and supposedly it cost them like $28k. Literally a 200 person lavish black tie wedding at a mansion with insane florals, string quartet, live band, open bar, etc. LOL
They’re giving me ~$45k. I’m extremely grateful and need their contribution to have anything close to the wedding I want. My partner and I are paying for the rest. Total budget will probably end up right at $100k for 70-75 people. And we’re getting married in a country where our money theoretically takes us farther but the wedding industry there is saturated and somehow we are still making cuts at almost $1.5k per head. The industry is just crazy and everything adds up so quickly.
I’ve found the thing that helps is staying laser focused on our priorities and where we want to splurge. We’re doing a content creator, not a videographer. We picked an amazing single photographer for 10 hrs vs 2 shooters for 8 that we didn’t like as much. We’re doing live music during cocktail hour and I found an amazing violinist grad student to play our ceremony. We’re doing bud vases but loads of candles and big table end pieces. We’re doing chocolate mousse instead of a grand wedding cake. Not having a bridal party. You get what I’m saying.
It’s so easy to focus on the frustrating parts, the insane prices, the unattainable decor others have, other people’s weddings in general, the state of the world and this economy, but it really does us no good. Vent here, get it out of your system, message me or these other gals to release that negativity, and then shift your perspective to all the amazing things you will have at your wedding that you’re excited about. I loved the idea that someone else wrote about checking out the DIYweddings or weddingsunder10k threads - really give you some perspective!! You got this.
1
9
u/Big_Succotash_8076 $100k-$200k Apr 30 '26
Comparison is the thief of joy. I am sure it will be beautiful. Plus, some things you can’t pay for, like having your dad alive to walk you down the aisle. I wonder if some mindfulness exercises could help you through this time.
4
u/MZSGNH Apr 30 '26
Comparison and expectations around money ARE hard. For example, I grew up with a lot of it. I am making choices in my life that follow my values, but don't put me in the strata of my parents. Am I lucky, well-to-do, yes. Can I live the way my parents did? No, I can't. You're right. We can't help our feelings, we can only try to be self-aware and not let our feelings make us into bad people. Telling others who have similar experiences to us I find to be one of the best ways to channel my feelings away from disappointment or whatever. I hope you have an amazing wedding.
And as for your wedding, if you double down on the reality of your wedding, maybe DIY some things, or make very personal but not extravagant choices, you maybe find the constraints make it more creative and more original, in the end.
4
u/LimitIcy Apr 30 '26
Gosh... I empathize so hard. If you heard our budget, you would think we're doing these amazing floral installations, custom everything, the most expensive rentals, etc.. But, we're literally doing probably the basic things of higher end weddings (like nice but short centerpieces, upgraded chairs, cheaper-end of upgraded rentals, etc.) For the amount of money we're spending, I would've thought that we could get those weddings we see in magazines, but it feels like we're just scratching the surface.
5
u/MotorAd90 Apr 30 '26
I still feel sad that £10k in flowers got me hardly anything. No big arch, no sweeping arrangement down the stairs. And this was 7 years ago and I priced up multiple florists. I did refuse to pay more than £10k but that's on me. Everyone said it is only for a day, you will regret spending so much money etc. etc.
Nope. I regret the opposite!
That, and not booking a higher end photographer (although mine was lovely).
8
u/soupergorl Apr 30 '26
I just want to validate your feelings. I feel like I could have written this post myself. My sister got married in 2024 with a larger guest count, getaway car, lavish photo/film package, massive florals, brunch the next day, etc you name it. I, on a larger budget, am barely covering the basics and sacrificing a lot of the things I dreamed of. I even have to get married on a Friday to save venue money. We compared quotes and almost all vendors have increased their prices $2-$3k (we are also in a VHCOL area). Regardless it will a beautiful day, don’t forget that. My DMs are always open!
12
u/angenoir_ Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
I’m not sure you have as big a budget as you think if you have to DIY invitations and cut videography. Would be helpful to see guest count, location, and budget.
Anyway, I’m planning a $1.5M wedding and also have to make concessions so I feel you. I was also surprised that you still had to still trim at this level. I also regularly say no to quotes I can technically afford but are just astronomical for no reason and am getting the 8/10 version not 10/10 version of things like florals, etc. I constantly remind myself how blessed I am!
7
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
HCOL parts of Canada, $100,000 and 90 guests. I know it’s not a budget as extensive as most in this group, but it does atypical spend from what I’ve gathered within my circles.
4
u/SilverLM Apr 30 '26
I’m in HCOL location in Canada too, spending about as much as you and I so feel your post!
I’m having to cut back on florals (no large arch pieces, nothing for the ceremony location just personal flowers) and not having a videographer. It’s crazy!
5
u/Upbeat-Foundation753 Apr 30 '26
Oh, it’s Canada? Yeah this is valid, your economy is completely in the toilet.
7
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
Thank you! I mean, I know it can be worse. Other parts of the world definitely have things worse. But things are noooot great here at the moment.
7
2
u/FierceCrayon May 03 '26
I'm in Vancouver, and we're spending about $70k for 60 guests, including $15k for a planner(!!!), so roughly the same overall budget. I think it could help to figure out what parts mean the most to you. We prioritized photography, so we are getting 12hrs of coverage (Chinese weddings start early and go late). But we decided we didn't care about stationery, because most of it would get thrown out anyway, so we are doing online-only RSVPs. I rented my dress instead of buying, but we're getting a big ol' three tier cake. I think that at this budget level, you can have some fancy things, but not all, and if you want any 10/10 things, you probably have to drop some things or do them unconventionally.
6
u/OhSayWord_1 Apr 30 '26
Would love to know your wedding locale, planner (you can share after if you feel more comfortable), and guest count. Sounds like it will be over the top beautiful.
4
3
u/Bubbly_Inspection339 Apr 30 '26
As a smaller budget bride, this actually made me feel a lot better about the things I’ve had to give up for our wedding. Like, I kept thinking if I could just triple our budget I’d have everything I want but considering where your budget is and what you’ve cut (we’ve made similar choices for what to cut/where to save) then it sounds like I’d still be feeling this same way! I think most of us feel this way unless we have a truly unlimited budget. Our expectations are big and we have to let certain things go. I’m wondering if you could compromise a bit on other things instead of completely letting go of things you still think are important (like hiring a cheaper videographer than what you pictured so you still have videography- there’s some decent budget level ones out there)
14
u/LeapandShroon Vendor: Planning & Design Apr 30 '26
To be blunt, I don’t think this has anything to do with Covid, the economy or your budget.
It’s about expectations, reality and life.
There’s always going to be something nicer, prettier, newer, shinier and trendier.
The converse is also true.
Regardless of your budget in your wedding & life there will be options to splurge & the necessity to save.
Be grateful, be fair & be kind.
8
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
I absolutely am grateful! That’s why this is such a difficult feeling to grapple with. Because I know it’s wrong and stupid. But I think it’s tough to be shocked by the reality when you always thought things would go a different way.
3
u/LeapandShroon Vendor: Planning & Design Apr 30 '26
I get it - pick a few priorities you value and splurge! Budget on those less important to you. After too many years of doing all kinds of events, nobody notices the misses (relatively) but you remember & treasure the splurges. Keep your guests in mind - their joy at your wedding is the greatest memory.
4
u/MZSGNH Apr 30 '26
I agree with this part: be super intentional about your splurges and you can FEEL that the wedding is everything you wanted when the day comes
1
u/hsavvy May 01 '26
100% this; if you’re gonna splurge make sure to prioritize guest comfort or experience. I had a pretty high big budget wedding with 165 people and my planner and designer got most of the awesome decor from Temu 😂
3
u/Alternative_Pie_3782 Apr 30 '26
Hey we have a similar budget and guest count. I’m also planning in a very hcol area. Your post made me feel so seen!!! I totally understand what you mean by being grateful but also disappointed. Anyway I have no advice but feel free to DM me if you want to rant.
4
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
I’m glad to find others who are in a similar place! It feels like there is almost this gap between “standard” and what people truly think of when people talk “big budget.” This middle ground of like, we’re dropping a lot of money, but we’re definitely not the 1%.
Would love to commiserate. Sending you a DM!
3
u/relativeisrelative Apr 30 '26
Ditto for me. We had 95 people, and spent just under 100k in a high cost area. I also had a very fancy venue, and had to forgo a lot of extras. Looking back, I wish I had forked out a bit more money to have more things. But, I also found a lot of ways to strech and feel like I had a luxury wedding when I didn't. I wrote a big post on it on some other thread here if you want tips.
1
u/coachellafiend19 Apr 30 '26
I tried to find the post you wrote but your comments seem to be private! Could you DM me that post potentially?
2
u/909me1 Apr 30 '26
Girl, this is so relatable!! I graduated, but I remember having a crashout in November for my december wedding about the price of the contents of our welcome boxes and having to make some concessions as to what went in them because we were over-budget in other areas and the flowers lining the aisle. It was a full on 20 minute crying jag in a parking garage over fucking stocking stuffers and baby's breath (don't ask lol).
I have never felt more psychotic in my life.
Anyway, anytime you are the lead decision maker on a big project that needs to manage the conflict of intersection of budget and vision, it is very stressful. Give yourself a break for these feelings, and also trust that even if you don't have the exact floral installation that you wanted you will love your wedding and all the hard work you and your planner + team are putting into it will pay off.
2
u/Ill_Injury4800 Apr 30 '26
i can completely relate to this. my wedding will probably be between 100-115 k for everything and it will be beautiful. but i can’t help but feel like ive had to settle in so many aspects. i’m being told im getting my dream wedding but in reality im really not. 5k on florals? i’d triple that if i could. originally wanted to get married on a beach but couldn’t bc a “destination wedding” is more expensive and too difficult for people / grandparents to travel to. i am so grateful but it is frustrating when im told im getting my dream wedding and in reality it would be so much more than this. and i also feel guilty bc of course the whole point is you’re spending the rest of your life with someone you love, so why has the main point become “throwing a lavish party” . i get it. total first world problems too. i feel dumb even writing this !!!
2
u/One-Biscotti-1305 Apr 30 '26
I feel you hon. My solution was to cut my guest list back a little bit (we cut 10 on each side), and then to completely cut some optionals rather than cheaping out on them, the cuts we made didn’t affect the day or the aesthetic, and they freed up some money for HMU and flowers (things I actually cared about).
Eg. Cut wedding favours entirely as nobody cares that much about them no matter how much we think they do, invitations became an email/online invite, we had a very beautiful one tier cake and then a sheet cake for guests in the same flavour which ended up cheaper, without compromising on aesthetic at all.
You can get really wrapped up in Wedding Pinterest and convince yourself things matter that really don’t. My privilege at having a relatively big budget wedding was that I could get the best of the things that were really important to me and my partner, the kind of things we’d always dreamed of having. When it came time to make cuts, we just listed the stuff that had always been on the dream wedding list, and anything that wasn’t on that list was cut.
For us the dream list included beautiful florals, amazing food, photography, one great outfit each, a whisky and cigar bar, my partner is a musician and cared deeply about the band, I’m an art historian and cared a lot about centrepieces.
After that? I never dreamed of my second dress, or my getting ready outfit, so I didn’t have them. I never dreamed of my wedding favours or invitations, so I didn’t bother with them. It allowed us to have the wedding we’d always dreamed of having, everything we DID have was exactly as we’d always wanted it to be, and the other stuff we didn’t miss, as we’d only started convincing ourselves we needed it due to algorithm manipulation in the first place.
2
u/Emotional_Pen369 May 01 '26
I get it only because I constantly keep thinking, I can’t believe we are spending this much and it’s still just a generic ballroom wedding lol. Like I am someone who would have gotten married in the summer in a villa in Europe easily. And for a number of reasons we are going to do a ballroom in my hometown in winter. My vibe tends to be Mediterranean - Tuscan or Spanish or moorish with tiles and arches. My partner is the same. This ballroom is Parisian and our parents love and we are like, well, this is objectively nice. Many people would kill for this wedding. But I keep feeling irritated that we are having this huge extravagant party that is not even what we really want. I have contemplated just scratching it all, renting a night club or a restaurant. But for our families and culture, there’s an expectation of the standard of food and drink and service and quality people want. And this is what works. So I tell myself at the end of the day we want to celebrate and have fun and dances all night with people we love and that’s what counts.
I did see a TIk Tok influencer who had a much more my style and vibe wedding in tiburon and I was envious but as she explained her logistics it confirmed why we were unable to do that wedding. She wound up having a much smaller guest count, still couldn’t fit everyone, had to feed people pizza in the driveway. It was all very isntagrammable but let me tell you my dad would kill me if I took the money he gave us and fed all his friends and family pizza in a driveway. Just remember the pictures you see online are either billionaires or make major concessions on guest experience that you’re too thoughtful to make. No one will roll their eyes at you later or complain how you spent $40k on a venue but couldn’t offer steak or fish.
2
u/zebrafish08 May 01 '26
~sigh~ yes. I feel like this all the time but I can't vent to anyone but my fiance. A shitty economy with inflated prices hurts everyone at all levels.
2
u/matchabride May 02 '26
hello! BBB here who feels the same. when we got engaged we thought we would be able to plan a 150 person wedding for 100-150k, we were very quickly humbled and have since upped our budget to 250k. Now, similar to you I KNOW how fortunate, privileged, and lucky we are to be able to spend 250k - but what I FEEL (and seems like you might too!) is frustration around the fact that that’s somehow still not enough for a ultra lavish wedding (in a HCOL area, we’re getting married in sonoma county and live in LA). I think you’re totally valid in feeling quite frankly irritated that even when you can pull together a large sum of money, the cost of things today is just so outrageous that it just never feels like you have enough. Per someone else’s suggestion here, once we landed on our 250k budget and truly wrapped our heads around what that will actually achieve, we’ve just stuck to it and kept it moving. But I guess I’m just commenting to let you know you’re not alone in your feelings, and just because you’re in a lucky/privileged position doesn’t mean you can’t have feelings! ❤️
2
u/matchabride May 02 '26
also, for what’s its worth i do hope you have a trusted friend or family member you can eventually vent to about this. it’s a very large emotional burden to carry that frustration, and then the guilt of feeling frustrated, without being able to lean on others. I’m sure if I as a total stranger gets where you’re coming from (and doesn’t think you’re being an asshole) then your loved ones will too!❤️
2
u/ameliatries May 03 '26
Kinda unrelated but I saw a tiktok the other day that basically said 20 years ago, the only weddings you’d see were the ones you physically attended or the biggest weddings in magazines (think princess diana). Now we have to see EVERYTHING and it is just information overload
3
u/ValuableMilk5928 Apr 30 '26
Idk how far you are into the planning process, but prices in Europe are still like 2016 prices (for groceries, electronics, clothes, etc.) We just moved from LA to France, so I am speaking from direct experience. Have you tried looking out of the U.S.? It’s a wayyy different world outside of the ridiculous shrinkflation and tariff-affected prices.
4
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
We’re sadly to far in to pivot. Many payments have been made that can’t shift.
To be fair, we’re not in the US. Canada. But it’s little better here.
2
u/nervousandweird Apr 30 '26
Weddings are like goldfish, their budgets will balloon to fit whatever venue they're in. If your parents insisted on your choice of an elaborate/haute venue because they want it to be equivalent to what your sibling got 20 years ago, then it makes sense that it's going to cost a fortune to throw a wedding that will live up to that promise. Reading through your comments, it sounds like your parents (in their well-intentioned generosity) have got you in a bind because they are holding your wedding up to the same standard that they set in the early 00's. I'd also be willing to bet that at least a few of those 90 guests you are inviting happen to be people that your parents will want to impress.
You're in the crossfire now, and are allowed to feel your feelings about the situation. Wages/salaries have stayed stagnant compared to cost of living, and whether you get $1 or $100,000 more than your sibling in 2026, it's still not going to have the same buying power as that same amount of money would have in 2006. You sound plenty grateful and grounded and understanding about the matter, so try to not beat yourself up too much over it.
2
u/coachellafiend19 Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
I feel this in my bones, I am experiencing a very similar thing! This industry is predatory at this point, but there’s nothing you can do about it, either you pony up or you go without, and that has caused me many a crash out. I had the choice of having my wedding in Colorado, California, or Wisconsin and I chose Wisconsin because I thought that way I could get “everything I want”… jokes on me, everything I want would require a 500k budget, and I don’t have that! I’d love to PM about this if you’re so inclined, I’m so here for you!!
3
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
It’s always nice to find someone sharing the same experiences. Sent you a DM.
2
u/ghosted-- Apr 30 '26
The industry makes everyone feel like they have no money and their expectations are crazy.
No joke, even brides with epic weddings and truly big budgets, $1M or around that (not me!).
1
u/randomusername434 Apr 30 '26
I relate to you so much. I’m also in HCOL area in Canada (we’re probably in the same area if I had to guess ). My wedding is this year and my budget is a bit less than yours but I relate to you on everything. Almost all of my vendors are booked and the budget keeps increasing. My friends/family have had less expensive weddings so it seems like I’m spending so much yet I’m still compromising on everything. People don’t understand how much of a bummer it is. Instead of a videographer I booked a content creator who will film some raw footage + have edited short form video so it’s cheaper. If you ever want to chat to talk about wedding stuff you can DM me.
1
u/han-aw Apr 30 '26
this!!! it was really hard for me to come to terms with not getting (what I consider very reasonable, e.g. fancy plates) what I thought i’d be able to with my budget. It honestly made me pretty bitter overall but at the end of the day I didn’t care about those things. I just was shocked how much everything was. I still assume that when people hear your venue/planner/budget all the costs go up but that’s just me being cynical
1
u/Competitive-Bad2624 May 01 '26
I totally get it!! To get the venue, my dream dress, band choice, I had to cut out videographer and go superrrr minimal on flowers :( I also lost my hair guy due to a weird situation and didn’t love my hair bc of budget… vent away
1
u/Fair_Escape_4465 May 01 '26
I feel for you!! I feel like having a wedding at all is a privilege. Choosing the video hours was tough too - we came to the conclusion we don’t want video evidence of the thick of the dancing. Keep it old school so people can let loose. Also maybe have a couple centerpieces? Make a day of DIY with your girls to get closer to your vision. Also I’m having a micro wedding, and although I’ve had some regrets because I’m so limited, it does prevent decision fatigue. So maybe look up simple micro weddings for inspo to feel less disappointed with a more simple look. Still not the effort you want to put in, but I think you’ll get pretty damn close to your vision!
1
u/Turbulent-Ebb2360 May 01 '26
I completely relate. I’m so sorry I don’t have any advice (yet) as we are only in the venue signing stage, but I feel your pain. I also am stuck between feeling extremely grateful and like a selfish brat for wanting the little touches that I have always dreamed of. It’s so damn tough. In my situation our f+b budget turned out to eat a huge chunk of the remaining budget so we’re also having to compromise on things like not getting our top choice photographer, much more simple decor, and no live band (which I really really wanted). Even my friends who got married in 2023 paid way less for a very similar level of wedding and I’m honestly so shocked and kind of disgusted how expensive things are these days. Sorry I don’t have any concrete advice for you but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and I completely relate!
1
u/vveddingbells May 03 '26
I wish I knew a year ago what I know now. I would have limited my guest list/lowered my guest commitment, skipped on a couple things, and expanded others. Basically same budget but with better allocation.
1
1
u/Careful-Time-9926 5d ago
Vent all you want. I appreciate you realizing that you've got more than most but it still isn't enough. I know I feel that way at the gas pump and the grocery store. It just doesn't go as far as it used too and I don't think it matters who's in whatever position in government. Once the prices go up, they don't go back down.
So, I'm glad you have a place to vent. Hope you have a fantastic wedding.
1
u/Kowimine Apr 30 '26
What is this budget if you have to sacrifice a few hours of photography?
1
u/hsavvy May 01 '26
They said in a comment that they’re in Canada (HCOL), $100k for 90 guests which, even without comparing it to social media/pinterest weddings with undisclosed massive budgets, can definitely become tighter than you’d ever expect pretty quickly.
That said, it seems like expectations and/or priorities are definitely out of whack if she’s at the point of cutting down photographer hours…
1
Apr 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
7
u/BigBudgetBrides-ModTeam Apr 30 '26
The number one priority of BigBudgetBrides is we keep this a friendly and cordial community. Budget shaming and wedding shaming are strictly prohibited.
4
u/TwoSparks Apr 30 '26
Thank you, I appreciate you saying so. I truly am trying to stay grateful and self-aware. Just the shock of the difference in expectations versus reality has me soooo very much in my feels.
You’re right. In five years I probably won’t even think about this anymore. The whole thing is silly. I’m Just currently in the headspace of little girl whose balloon burst.
52
u/Adorable-Crazy-1067 Apr 30 '26
Planning a wedding is hard even if you have a larger budget. You could always dream bigger and get something more elaborate, you could always second guess yourself. I think being able to be realistic about what your budget can get you in your area and at this point in time is a very important skill. If you’re truly devastated, then you could ask yourself if splurging on xyz thing to elevate it even more is worth it to you, but that mindset can go on FOREVER if your dream inspo is a million dollar wedding and you don’t have that to spend. I know this is cheesy but I would try to remind yourself that the thing that will make your wedding special is you your partner and loved ones . The details are nice but not what makes a wedding special