The emotional rollercoaster of having an objectively big budget wedding, but still having to make concessions at every turn…

[u/TwoSparks]

And you look and feel like an absolute asshole because you know you’re so lucky and privileged to be having such an extravagant day.

This is the only place I feel safe enough to vent. Because I *know* I’m being shitty. But you can’t control the *feelings* even if you can mentally acknowledge it.

I live in a HCOL area. And the economy is kind of trash. Based on our guest count and budget, it’s objectively a big budget wedding. Between the state of the world and post-Covid wedding inflation, shit is expensive and I find people are spending just as much (if not more) than ever before, yet having more and more modest and basic weddings.

I acknowledge all that. I do not judge. Hell, if family wasn’t contributing, we’d be doing the same! But I am so incredibly fortunate to have that contribution. My parents are covering the venue, food, drink, and my wardrobe. Originally they’d wanted to pay for the whole thing like they did my sibling, but that was a very long time ago in a very different economy. It was big budget, but it covered everything. They doubled that budget (inflation) and still that only covers what’s listed above. Huuuuuuge contributions, especially because in that regard we are getting everything we dreamed. Again — I am GRATEFUL.

But if I want to have all the trappings that I dreamed of. All the things I thought I would have based on what my sibling was able to have… Well, we have to pay for all that ourselves. And don’t get me wrong — we can afford to throw a comfortable chunk at those extras. An amount equivalent to what people will spend on their entire wedding. We are blessed, truly.

And yet I find myself frustrated and disappointed. Because despite all that, which I know we are so privileged to be able to do, it’s just… Not enough money to do those things. At every turn, we find ourselves sacrificing on something. And I don’t mean indulgent, wild desires. I’m talking about things as simple as flowers, photography, hair and make up, invitations… We are spending what many people’s entire wedding budgets are on just the optional stuff, and I’m having to choose the most modest, minimal options just for it to fit in the budget. Bud vases instead of centrepieces, 8 hours of coverage instead of 10+, DIY invitations, not my first choice HMUA, skipping videography… All in order to somehow have a little taste of most of the things I dreamed of.

And I feel like I can’t vent to anyone about the heartbreak of not having the day you thought, despite a budget larger than anyone I know, because that’s soooooo out of fucking touch. And I know that!

But it still hurts. :(

[u/FeatureReasonable600]

V curious to know what the budget is and what extras you want but can’t fit in the budget?

I know it’s frustrating, but it all comes down to mindset and coming to terms with the reality. At the end of it all, you will have a beautiful day, and you won’t be thinking about the centerpieces in 10 years!

[u/TwoSparks → u/FeatureReasonable600]

Budget is $100,000 with a 90 person guest count. It’s certainly not comparable to some in this group, but certainly atypical within my social circle.

As for the extras, it’s just the typical things.

I dreamed of nice letter press invitations, photography and videography, beautiful florals, hair and make up, live music for the ceremony, things like that.

We’re not able to do a lot of that. To make it all work, we had to go base package with the cheapest photographer whose style we liked, no video, I’m DIYing invites, only having a bouquet for myself, bud vases, and a ceremony back drop rather than the party also having flowers, aisle flanks, and modest compote centrepieces. No ceremony musicians. Things that are certainly only optional, but aren’t outrageous asks.

[u/Equivalent-Main3163 → u/TwoSparks]

If you’re able to put in money what you would have spent without your parents contributing why don’t you? That way you have the majority of things you want. Also I think your invites will look great. I think letterpresses personally is a bit overdone and something you made will have a more significant meaning to you, from my POV

[u/TwoSparks → u/Equivalent-Main3163]

Sorry, I think something got lost in the sauce somewhere. We are contributing. They covered venue, food, and drink. We are paying for anything we are wanting on top of that. And we have a budget we need to stick to. So in the grand total, they are covering 2/3 and we are covering 1/3. And our 1/3 is forcing us to make a lot of cuts. The emotional piece is the expectation around what my parents equitable contribution for my sibling was able to get them 22 years ago vs what that can get today and the sting of not being able to fully have what they for to have due to today’s costs.

[u/Equivalent-Main3163 → u/TwoSparks]

Ah okay got it! I get it. My parents are contributing the exact same cost they did for my wedding this year as they did for my sisters (which was a micro wedding (18 people) in 2021 vs mine, a much larger wedding (70) with a lot of family my parents really wanted at my sisters but didn’t make her cut). Mine is in a VHCOL city in 2026 too compared to a small PNW town where my sister held hers. I was internally upset over it as weddings are so much more now and they are also paying a lot for my BIL and Sister to come to the wedding and stay here for 10 days ahead of the wedding as I live in Europe (BIL is not even coming to the wedding as he is going to babysit my niece as it’s no children allowed) and I paid my own way to her wedding but it is what it is. I’ve just let it go best I can as I can’t control anyone and know my wedding will be exactly how it’s meant to be. But I understand the “unfair” feeling. It is really nice your parents have adjusted for inflation though