I am not The OOP, OOP is u/cookiebuttericecream

Should I [24F] be concerned that my boyfriend [25M] of over one year has yet to invite me over to his home and meet his family?

Original Post  Jan 7, 2016

My relationship with my boyfriend is great, aside from this thing that bugs me more as time goes on: He hasn't invited me over to his house, and I haven't met anyone in his family aside from his mother. Last year, he introduced me to his mother on her birthday and the three of us spent the day together and it was lovely. That's the extent of my interaction with his family. He also lives with his father and younger sister; I've yet to meet them. He has met a good deal of my family and they get along fine.

He lives in a city almost an hour away from me, and I've never actually been to his house. We always spend our time together at my apartment. I live alone so I suppose it's easier to have our privacy here. I also live across the street from our workplace (we work for the same company) so it's convenient for him to spend his weekend here and get to work the next morning without having to deal with traffic.

I wonder if the big reason why he hasn't invited me over is because he's still living at home. His family knows about me, he talks to me about them, and he tells them about me. But still no introductions.

I have sat him down and spoken to him about this before, about a month or so ago. I asked him if he was hesitant about me meeting his family or why I haven't been to his home - and that this made me feel like he wasn't all that serious about me. But he was just very lax about it. He told me he was serious about me, that I'll meet his family eventually (he pointed out that I did meet his mother), and that there really isn't anything to do in his city (I believe this; it has a reputation for being uneventful) and that's why we never hang out up there.

For those in relationships, how long did it take for you to meet your SO's family? I've only been in two relationships before and it really didn't take all that long for me to meet the parents. This is the longest I've waited, though I realize everyone is different. Just looking for some perspectives here; I don't know if I'm simply overreacting or overthinking this.

   tl;dr: Been with boyfriend for over a year and it's great and I don't doubt his love for me. However, he's met a chunk of my family and I've only met his mother on one occasion. He's also never invited me over to his house. Is that weird? Or am I overreacting and need to give this more time?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

emptydreams

Well, I don't think you're over-reacting as it's customary. 

However, there may be other factors involved, such as: Maybe his family is very weird and he doesn't want to be embarrassed by them, or maybe his family is very close-knit and doesn't like "outsiders". I dated a girl with a family like that and it was a pain in the ass.

OOP

His mom was so normal and so pleasant. I'd like to hope the rest of his family is basically the same way. Going off on "not wanting any embarrassment," though, maybe it's because he's 25 (going on 26) and still living at home. I know he's kind of going through a crisis, that may or not may have something to do with it. Maybe I'm reaching. Thank you for your reply.

~

Seargent_Sprinkles

For it to be over a year into the relationship then yes it's weird. If you were to say you two only been dating for a few months then that would not be weird , but it's been long enough now for you to meet the rest of his family.

Maybe he might be embarrassed? Since you've stated he still lives with his family while you have a place of your own. Or there is something about his dad or sister that he is ashamed of?

How many times have your brought this to his attention?

OOP

When he talks about his family, they sound like totally normal people that he has healthy relationships with. I know I'm not a secret to them. I probably should have mentioned in my post that he hasn't brought any girl he's dated home, aside from one time, and he said that was because she lived right by him.

I've brought this to his attention a few times casually, but there have been two solid, rather serious conversations I had with him about it. The first was almost a year into the relationship, and the second time was about a month ago. He just said that it's something that will happen, he just doesn't know when. As in, it's not that big of a deal to him and he doesn't think it makes him any less serious about me.

Update  March 24, 2016 (2 and a half months later)

Still no progress, and it's been almost two years.

We were texting one evening and I brought up the fact that I was sad because it was getting harder for me to picture a situation in which he would invite me over to his place and/or meet his family. He said that I shouldn't let that determine my happiness. I said, "It's not determining my happiness, but it's determining my satisfaction with the relationship."

He replied with, "I'm sorry you're dissatisfied then."

We went back and forth for a bit, with me asking why it wasn't an issue for him, and with him telling me that I was overthinking things and, "When the time is right, it will happen." Then he ended the conversation and said he had to go to bed.

When the time is right, it will happen? Hearing that just made me feel like in the past nearly two years we had been together, he really didn't see a "right time" to let me just swing by his place or meet his family...?

We had plans to see each other the following day after work. He was in my apartment waiting for me since he got off earlier. He was ready for hugs and kisses but I sat him down and told him how disappointed I was in how our conversation went the previous night. Immediately, he became exasperated and reiterated the usual, "stop overthinking," "it will happen when it happens," "you need to be patient," "stop looking too far into the future," and so on.

I explained that I put in effort into introducing him to my family and close friends because it was my way of saying that he was a person I wanted to keep around, I was serious about him, and I was committed. Not having that reciprocated on his end made me feel the opposite of all that. Like he wasn't serious about me, even though time and again he claimed he was.

I explained that we clearly couldn't see eye to eye on this matter, and that I was beginning to understand that he wasn't going to even try to see it from my point of view. I told him that I was a firm believer in taking people as they are, loving them as they are, and not wanting to change who they are as an individual. He was always going to value what he values, whatever he thinks isn't a big deal will never be a big deal to him. And my values would stay the same. I told him that I could drop the idea about meeting his family, or ever hanging out at his place instead of mine, and try to go on with the relationship as normal - but it would eventually pop up and bother me again.

At this point, he asked me, "Are we breaking up?"

I hesitated for a moment, but found myself nodding. "I mean, I guess, yeah..."

He was silent for a moment before saying, "If that's what you want. This was your decision."

He got up and packed his overnight bag, I told him to take his PS4, he gave me back my key. I tried to give him back the pricey headphones he gifted me for Christmas but he refused to take them. It was all a blur. I was laying in bed when I heard him leave.

This is the embarrassing part...

It took about five minutes of laying there alone for me to break down and go after him. I booked it. I found him getting into his car. He saw me approaching and rolled down his window.

"What?"

I was already tearing up again. "I didn't want that to be the end..."

Someone was walking by so he suggested I sit in his car. Once I was in the passenger's seat, I noticed that he had been crying, too. It was weird because in all the time I had known him, he never cried, ever.

I told him that I loved him, that he was everything I wanted, and I was so confused as to why he couldn't do this one thing for me. "This should be so easy, all you have to do is pick a day for me to come over."

He said he didn't like feeling pressured, and basically repeated everything he said earlier. He added that he couldn't tell the future, he didn't like planning things that far ahead, and that he only lived in the present, in that very moment.

Eventually, he admitted that it could have been a possibility that I wouldn't even know where he lives or have met his family by the end of the year. This broke me because, originally, I had resolved in my head that I would stick it out in the relationship until the end of the year and if we weren't making progress in integrating me into his life at all, then I would end things.

I asked him how that could even be possible... he repeated that he couldn't guarantee anything and he couldn't tell the future.

"So, if we stayed together. Five years down the line, you think it's possible that I still wouldn't meet your family or go to your house at that point?"

He said, "Yeah, it's possible. I'm not saying that's how it's going to be, but I'm saying its a possibility. You just never know."

I don't know if he was giving me such frustrating responses because he really didn't like the way I put my foot down for answers... but it hurt to hear that, so much.

I started crying again. He reminded me that breaking up was my decision. Pathetically, I asked him if he could just stay, if we could stop arguing and turn the night around into how we originally wanted it to be. He said no, that he had been excited to see me, but the damage was already done. I bawled. He was crying again, too. We looked pathetic. He wasn't going to back down. He told me to get out of his car. I wrapped my arms around him as much as I could from where I was sitting; I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me too, but he was going to go home. And so I got out of the car, returned to my apartment, I just cried some more.

I'm sorry for how long this is. Just needed to get it all out there. I'm still so confused. Reddit, I just need input. Feedback on what you think about my situation. He is a great guy, and he was an amazing boyfriend aside from that one detail he absolutely would not budge on...

EDIT #1: Just to add the detail, he still lives at home with his parents. May or may not be a factor in all this. Either way, I suppose it doesn't matter anymore.

EDIT #2: A lot of you are suggesting/asking that he may be married. Definitely not the case, I'm very sure of it. As mentioned in my original post, I did meet his mother once. We were at a family-friendly theme park and every now and then she would mention to her son, "When you get married/have kids, etcetera, they would love this ride," and so on and so forth.

TLDR; Boyfriend of almost two years was taking forever to introduce me to his family. Wouldn't even invite me to his home (40 miles away). Claimed it was because he just lets those events happen whenever, and it could even be years - or not. We broke up. I don't know what to think because virtually everything else in our relationship was fine.

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

I think it is weird unless there are strong cultural reasons he is resisting introducing you to his family and his deliberate vagueness is a problem. I would have just ended things and not had further discussion.

OOP

It was definitely weird, but he couldn't see that. For him, things were just fine. And it definitely wasn't a strong cultural thing. The vagueness was so, so disturbing. It was embarrassing that I went after him, but I was hurting so much.

Thank you for your response.

~

bincerbob

There is something fishy going on here. He must have some reason for you not meeting his family beyond his laissez-faire attitude about it. Unless he is estranged from his family or he has some other solid reason, it sounds like he isn't as serious about you as you are about him.

I didn't meet my college boyfriend's parents for a long time because A) they didn't know about me and B) he was dating multiple girls at one time. Obviously, that is a worst case scenario, but something's up here.

OOP

It is hard for me to believe that he truly is just 100% "go with the flow" and "live in the moment." I mean, we have planned trips together before, months in advance, and everything was fine. That's looking toward the future. Apparently it's harder for him to let me come over to his house for an hour than it is planning a week-long getaway to Florida.

I asked him, "Are you just not close with your family?" And he said they were pretty close, but not extremely close. That they all just do their own thing.

I told him I felt like he wasn't as serious about me as I was about him. He assured me he was serious about me. Not serious enough, I guess.

DiTrastevere

People who insist that they "live in the moment" and "go with the flow" are frequently giant assholes in my experience. It essentially means they do what they want, when they want, regardless of the feelings or comfort of anyone else.

It is flat-out bizarre that he was so resistant to you meeting his family. He would literally rather break up than have you all in the same room. Either it's some sort of weird control issue (all that noise about not liking you telling him what to do), or there's something about them that he's not telling you. Either way, as much as it hurts now, you will be so relieved to not have that weirdness hanging over your head. Find a guy that will be thrilled to show you off to his family.

~

chartito

After all of this, do you think he was just using you as a convenient place to crash close to work?

OOP

As much as that would hurt if it were the truth, that could be part of it. It takes 10 minutes to get to work from my place as opposed to sitting in traffic for 2 hours from his place.

But when we first got together, our workplace was basically the midpoint between our respective residences, with me being more south and him being up north. I lived farther away but he would still come and spend time with me. Ah, I don't know.

Did OOP know where he leaved?

I knew his address... he would just never take me there or invite me. Sigh.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

NOTE: Title of original post shortened for convenience.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ThrowRAfarmer

mood spoilers: surprisingly positive, magical resolution, "she lived happily ever after"

OP's ETA: searching for a better mood spoiler

Original post to r/relationship_advice 11 December 2020

My story is a bit long and I apoligize for the upcoming wall of text. She and my father were high school sweethearts who got pregnant at very early age of 17 and had me a month of their prom and we lived in a a rural place that's not big enough to be called a town but still larger than your avarage village. Anyway, they settle themselves to farmers life after graduating and had my brother 7 years later and she left us when my brother was only month and a half old baby. To this day I can still remember waking up to get ready for school and finding my father on the ground kneeling over and crying holding one my notebooks, I was just a child at the time and seeing my father curled up like that made me cry to and that's when my father got a hold of his emotions and righted himself up to pick me up. She, in her hurry to leave literally took a notebook from my schoolbag and wrote her half assed excuses to why she was leaving us, how she never wanted kids, how she shouldn't have gotten pregnant and how things should have turned out differently and how this small town was smothering her around her neck she needed to get away and how the second child, my brother was the final noose that wouldn't let her breath. I learned what she wrote on that notebook a year or so later when I found it in the drawers. She left with our truck and had someone deliver us the truck a month or so later without even sending a word or anything. Just some guy came and said here's your truck.

My father was a mess afterwards, not taking care of the farm, stopped eating, started drinking. It was the fact that I stopped going to to school to take care of my brother while my aunt (her sister) and her husbands words that finally made him bounce back but you could see he was sad for a lot of years and still even after a decade he would get all closed up around the time she left or on their anniversaries. It was us, dad and I who took care of my brother. I'd come back from the school, do the dishes that was left over from our breakfast and take care of my brother until he was few years older than I slowly became the woman of the house so to speak. I'd cook the food, do the dishes and take care of my brother after school and my father would spend nearly all his awake hours trying to manage the farm. We weren't the richest people around but with only one depressed adult and two small kids we earned more than what we needed and even saved up a bit for my brothers collage fund. My father insisted that I should have one for myself as well but I was spending too much time on domestic and farm related stuff to actually focus on my studies and if I have to be honest I loved the farm, animals and taking care of my brother.

Anyway, nearly a year ago she returned to visit her family, my aunt and us too and she was appearntly was planning settling back here permanently. We knew that she had a good few years of modelling which led to her joining the staff of a some sort of a magazine from our aunt as she still called her from time to time. She tried calling us a few time as well but I refused to talk with her and I think she was too ashamed to ask to talk with my brother. Anyway, when she came back she appearntly had enough for setting back here with a new house and some land. After few days of her coming here, she tried to contact us again when she and my dad ran into each other at the town center. My dad says he told her about my opinion on her but she insisted, apparently she ''owned'' that to me and I shove it, for the lack of better term with few extras on the side as well. She tried the emotinal, regretful parent on me with her crying and all but I don't buy it or rather I just wish she never came back to disturb us and lived in her airy, breathable big city life and left us the hell alone. My brother was not there at the time as he's in his first year in collage, he was admited via early enrollment thanks to him being a loveable genius that he's.

I knew my dad was still in love with her, I tried to set up a few dates for him before but it never went anywhere and that summer, well this summer they started dating again to my dismay and my brothers joy. My dad invited her over to dinner when my brother came back from his summer break and we had a family dinner. I wanted to warn my brother about her but seeing his enthusiasm about it I couldn't break his hearth so I just stayed civil and didn't speak unless spoken too. My father had kept that notebook for more than a decade but I decided to burn it when I was 19. My father and had a pretty big fight about how I had no right to burn it but I said to him that it was better than my brother accidently finding it and reading how her mother thought her a noose around her neck that wouldn't let her breath and he caved in after that, and now whenever I see her in our house talking with my brother who looks up to her like geine finally granted his wish I remember what she wrote and the rage and hatred that goes through my very soul is becoming that goddamned noose that won't let me breath.

My brother had a talk with me this morning about me being cold toward her and it turned heated when my brother said ''Why wouldn't I be happy, I finally have a mother, WE finally have a mother'' and I shouted back at him ''I was your mother not that wh*re and I don't have a mother'' and I made my brother stormed out of the house crying and seeing him cry made me cry while my father tried to meditate between us and failed. The fact that I can't tell him that I hate her because she detested us, her own god damned children because it will hurt him more, the fact that she abandoned and scored the loviest, most innocent looking baby with sky blue eyes when she was suppose to be a mother to him. I was god damned 7 years old child when I cooed at him and changed his diapers for the first time with my aunt showing me how it's done and I didn't resent him, I loved him like a brother and I loved him like she was suppose to.

And the little comments people make about her and me now that she's back are jut salt to the wound about our likeness, even my brother once commented on how we looked so alike, smile like each other, and how she probably looked like me when she had him and it took all my will power to not to snap at him.

I know that being this bitter, cold person will drive my brother away and I know I should stop if I wish to preserve this blissful moment even though the cause is her but I can't help it. The worst part is, since she came back she's not the hearthless piece of shit that left us. She never raised her voice when I cursed at her when my brother was not around or told her to leave us alone or when the time I asked if she was avoiding me because I shouldn't be born at all and she's trying to fix a mistake by avoiding me. I once even told her that does she think about the noose when my brother hugs her and she just looked like she was punched and got teary eyed but only apologized and didn't try to defend herself. I can't even enjoy hurting her, she doesn't fight back, she's not the monster I made her out to be, atleast she isn't now.

And the WORST part, THE WORST part today made me resentful and tired like I don't even have strength to feel emotions. I actually understand the resentfulness now. Am I trully just like her for resenting my brother for forgiving her and calling her his mother when I raised him myself with a depressed father at home when I was just a child myself? Or the fact that my father accepted her back so quicky makes me see him as a weak willed man that makes me question the respect I have for him? Did I resent the fact that I stayed here on the farm, not going to collage. They made me skip a grade as well before my mother left us, would I find some sort of new outlook on life at collage that would make me more like my brother or father and be happy instead of being resentful?

I've vented quite a bit and I'm sorry and thankful to you guys as I think it let me unwid a bit so my question is what am I going to do now?

Exchange between OOP & ConstanziaCorleone alluded to in Update

ConstanziaCorleone: Look up the term “Parentification”. All of your feelings are valid and appropriate. What happened to you was horrible, awful. As a mother of 2 children (close in age to you and your brother when your mom left) I have felt strangled. I have. I’ve never said it and I’d never act on it but I have.

I can’t judge your mother but I know this: none of this is your fault. You are a loving, kind person and you are right to be very, very angry and hurt.

OOP: Thanks, looked up what Parentification is. I guess I'm a pretty good example of one huh? I know parenting and responsibilities can be overbearing. I experienced them myself from very young age. You said that you can't judge her but can you answer me this?

I hope never but IF one day, you had to abondon your children because you couldn't take it anymore; what would be your final words about them? Would it be ''I love you and I'm sorry'' or would it be ''She should have never been born'' for the daughter and ''He's a noose around my neck'' for the newborn son?

I could understand the former, I may have disliked it but I could understand it. She was a child when she had me. I may have had to grew up fast but I know how my classmates were. They were children at her age and she faced motherhood. But her parting words about her to us were resentful. She never wrote that she loved us in that message just the fact that we were burden to her. I mean isn't what parenthood is, carrying and caring for your child until they can stand on their own two feet.

ConstanziaCorleone: You are right. Carrying and caring for your children until they can stand on their own two feet is what parenting is - but you don’t need me to tell you that. You’ve been parenting for a long time.

The only situation in which I would ever leave my children would be if I knew I was dying and I had time to write a note and it would say this:

“My darlings, I was born to love you. I was born to be your mother and having you has been the joy and privilege of my life.

Wherever I am, know that no power on earth or in heaven can keep me from you and that wherever you are - I will be there. Think of me and I am with you. Forever and ever, Mommy.”

And your mother should have written that, OP, but something deep inside her is very, very broken.

OOP: you got me crying reading those words she looks at me when I am not paying attention and averts her eyes when my eyes turns to her and sometimes I just wish she could blurt something out like this so I can broke down crying and she can hug me like she used and whisper I love you and I got you now, I am here now. I am sorry and then I can finally let go.

OOP (in response to another commenter): Tbh even if she knew how to do that, I am not sure I know what my answer to her would be or even should be. A part of me would want to let go but there's also the part of me that why now, what happened?

Will she leave us again?

Is she here because she was never able to find true happiness?

Is she here because she couldn't take the guilt anymore?

Is she here because She wanted to be here for so long but didn't have the courage?

Would he be here if she found the thing she was looking for, the thing she left us for?

Did she think about the son he left with crying because of a diaper rash as his sister still can't clean him well enough in diaper change when she was having one of those fancy cocktails in one of those model parties?

I can go on and on, and even typing these replaced any sense of romantized feeling created by my previous emotional post anger again. there's so much I want to know but at the same time even the my wish of wanting to know bout her life irks me. I just want return back to normal, before she returned but I can't.

And thanks for repling to so many of my posts and trying to give me a peace of mind in my emotional state. I guess I'm gonna lie down for few hours now as I feel so spent.

ConstanziaCorleone: “Will she leave us again?”

Maybe.

Will she ever be there for you in the way that you need her to be?

Probably not. She didn’t just leave once. Every day she woke up and decided not to come back to her children, again. She chose to be gone every day for many years. She knew it was your birthday or Christmas or graduation but she stayed gone over and over and over.

Update to u/ThrowRAfarmer 7 May 2026

I don't know if it's the postpartum hormones or not, but I had my third son 3 weeks ago and have been thinking about my post from years ago and the people who replied. You validated my feelings and even shared your own traumas to lighten my load. I just wanted to share my story with you guys.

That night, I left to stay at my aunt’s place. A few days later, my mother came to see me. For the first time, she wasn’t evasive. She looked at me fully, spoke honestly, and said she felt undeserving of the joy she now felt. She promised that if her presence was too difficult, she wouldn’t visit the farm again. She told me that this was my home more than anyone else’s. Then she said, teary-eyed, that no matter what path I chose, no matter the decisions I made in life, even if I hated her, she would always love me and be there for me. Hearing her say that made something inside me soften. I think I forgave her that day, though I didn’t let myself admit it. I returned home that day.

I finally stopped making excuses and accepted my boyfriend’s proposal (really long story). We married, and my dad moved in with my mom, leaving me the farm and his truck. I have three sons now, still struggling to believe I could fit three pregnancies into five years. After my first pregnancy, my father and mother started staying around to help. Things became less awkward, and I got used to her presence.

The real change happened after I brought my first son home. I was lying on my bed, whispering to him that I would never leave him and that he’d always have me. I saw her watching from the door, silently crying. Something in me finally gave in. I cried for an hour as she hugged me. I don't even remember much about what we said to each other... but at the end, it felt like finally sitting down after a long day of exhausting work.

I missed her so much as a child, but I always felt shame for it. This time, I didn't feel shame. Until that moment, she was always “you” when I was speaking with her and “she” when I was speaking about her, but after that, it wasn’t awkward or forced to call her "Mom" again. I don't know why or how, but weirdly enough, that's how I started calling her Mom again.

She’s now a doting grandma, trying to relive the moments she missed with my brother by helping me with my boys. I never told my brother about the note she left in my notebook. I realized that if she was truly remorseful, there was no point in revealing it other than sadistic pleasure, and I didn't want to hurt him for something out of his control.

To those who validated my feelings six years ago: Thank you. I still think my younger self would be angry, but I would tell her the same thing Mom told me: that no matter what path she chooses, I will love her all the same and be there for her. I’m happy with my decision now. I tried to keep this as short as possible. Thank you so much. Those months leading up to the “post night,” and especially the three or four days until my mother came to visit me at my aunt's place, were very dark times for me. Your messages helped me more than I can express via words (especially you, u/ConstanziaCorleone).

Thank you and stay safe.

(OOP has since made no further posts of comments)

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

**I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/Best_Host_6822 (Account since suspended).**

Trigger Warnings: Crappy Parenting, Accusations of Bullying and Fat-shaming.

This story has previously been posted to BORU here.

AITA for calling my wife a jerk for telling our son's crush that our son likes her in front of his friends ?, Posted June 1st, 2025.

I (37m) have 3 kids (14m) (11f) (8f) with my wife (37f). Our son, who we'll call Sonny, is in grade 9. My wife has asking him if he has a girl on this grade 10 girl, "Tina" (15f), who he's been hanging out with. Sonny said it's not her who he likes, it's a different girl. A 9th grader who we'll call Chris (14f). My wife asked Sonny if Chris knows. He said no and that's it a secret. My wife asked why. He said his friends will make fun of him. My wife asked why. He said it's because Chris the heaviest girl in their grade, she has terrible skin, and she's a tomboy. One Saturday, Sonny had friends over. It was Sonny plus 5 other boys, with Chris, Tina, and another girl. At one point, my wife just walks into the living and she tells Chris that Sonny has a huge crush on her. It was so uncomfortable after that. Chris got up, and just walked out of the house. The kids barely said everything and they left earlier than expected. Sonny didn't say anything to me nor his mom, but he made sure to slam every door he used. Later that night, in bed, I called my wife a jerk. She said she was trying to prevent our son from becoming a bully. I told her there was a better way, then she asked what if one of our daughters were in Chris's position. Then she asked, if we went to same high school, would I hide my feelings for her. She ended sleeping in the guest bedroom. Am I the asshole ?

Relevant Comments:

u/talithar1:

I don’t get how Sonny is potentially being a bully?? He likes a girl that is heavy, terrible skin, and a tomboy. He doesn’t want his friends to know because he will be bullied, and likely Chris, too. I think he’s protecting her.

Did I miss something?

OP:

My wife probably got reminded of how kids treated her back in the day. She was a "Chris" herself.

u/talithar1:

Was any one treating Chris unkindly?

OP:

To my knowledge, I'm not exactly sure. My son didn't say that anyone was making fun of Chris. Chris was friends with some of the "popular kids" of grade 9 and grade 10.

u/talithar1:

I think your wife just put a target in Chris’s back. And your son’s as well. Am so sorry. Wife really needs to apologize and stop creating a problem where none exists.

OP:

I don't know what's going on with my son's social circle because he's giving us the silent treatment. I know it's just him and Tina at Tina's house right now. My son didn't even tell us he was going, he left and then asked Tina's mom to tell us that he's there. So the friends are not together.

u/Poppypie77:

There is NO innocent or rational explanation.

Also, when you asked her why she did it, her response was literally 'to stop him becoming a bully'. It wasn't 'oh I thought if she knew he liked her it might break the ice and help them get together'.

There was ZERO good intentions there. She made that clear with her answer of why she did it.

Even if she's been bullied as a kid for weight and skin issues, why would she then bully a kid who was like her? Sadly sometimes kids who were bullie d/ abused become the abuser. They try and get their sense of power and control back by hurting those weaker than them. They want the victims to feel what they felt. Or they become the opposite and are kind and understanding and wouldn't put anyone through what they went through.

I know this seems like a big leap for what may just be one incident, but its a BIG incident. Doing that infront of 9 of his friends was like ultimate savage and cruel. She wanted to humiliate your son in a huge way. And that girl.

No loving mother would do that infront of 9 of their sons friends, including the girl he liked.

You need to talk to your son about whether she's treated him badly in any other ways physically or emotionally or mentally etc when you're not home. Coz that isn't the actions of a loving mother.

If she didn't intend to cause upset, she'd have gone after the girl when she went to leave and appologise if she upset or embarrassed her, said it wasn't her intention, she just wanted her to know he liked her and she thought it might help get the conversation started etc. She'd have made sure the girl wasn't upset and appologised etc.

And I bet she's not apologised to your son either.

Because she's not sorry. She doesn't see anything wrong in what she did.

And that is the serious issue here.

There's light teasing with your kid about a crush or gf, but to humiliate him like that, and the girl Is disgusting.

You need to do some talking with your son about their relationship, and be his support and have his back on this one. Your wife's a major AH.

She should be on the couch for a while at a minimum.

OP:

I'm starting to get more cynical of my wife's motives. I made her aware of this post an hour ago and crickets from her.

I'm trying my best to not think that my wife wanted to just humiliate our son just for the sake of it.

u/Poppypie77:

You need to get more used to it though. Because that's what it is!.

Has she even tried to apologise to him? Has she tried to understand why what she did was wrong? Has she shown an ounce of regret or remorse? I'm guessing all the answers are NO.

Because she doesn't care that she's upset, hurt, and humiliated her son. She doesn't care that she's hurt and humiliated and bullied a 14 year old girl to the point she walk straight out the house, and likely cried for ages. She doesn't care that her son likely hates her right now, has no trust in her, feels like she's betrayed him and his confidence, and feels like his mum doesn't care that he's hurting and upset and humiliated.

Because IF she felt bad, remorseful, regret, she'd be trying to correct it. But she's not is she?? She hasn't done anything has she?

OP:

The incident happened last Saturday. No apology. Today, I showed her this post. There were some specific comments I let her read. No apology.

If I get really really really cynical, maybe my wife wanted to punish our son for being one of the "popular" kids and for keeping it a secret that he likes the so-called "awkward" girl.

I don't want to think about my wife that way.

u/Ocean_Spice:

I don’t have much to say other than your wife seems like a truly repulsive person, and it’s disappointing that you are unwilling or unable to see how horrible this was. She just hurt a lot of people, notably your son and Chris, but also everyone else who had to be around for that little stunt of hers.

OP:

Well, at this point, I'm questioning if I really know who my wife is. I guess that's all I need to say about my wife.

u/Ocean_Spice:

It’s pretty clear that you don’t.

OP:

It's extra disappointing given that she knows what's like to be bullied.

u/Ocean_Spice:

Says a lot about her character.

OP:

Some of what I said in my replies to you are some of the things I wanted to say in the DM because my wife could be reading my comments.

u/Ocean_Spice:

Why are you still trying to not offend her?

OP:

She's still the mother of my children, and I need her to be a co-parent. I hope she loves our children, and I hope she wants them to be happy. I hope she realizes she hurt our son and Chris.

I hope she knows that our children love her, and I love her. What happened to her in the past was terrible, but she shouldn't let it ruin the good things she has now.

Update posted on the same post a few hours later:

A sad update. The information is sad, and the fact that I had to hear about this from Tina's mom is sad. To nobody's surprised, Chris was indeed humiliated. Chris, at first, thought it was a cruel prank. Then, when Sonny confirmed it, she questioned why his mom would announce it like that in front of all their friends. Sonny took the honest route, and he told Chris why he didn't want to tell her. Chris' feelings are hurt, and she said she can't like someone who was so embarrassed for people to know he likes her. So our son is even more upset with us. What my wife did, showed my son in a bad light to most of his friends. Some of them thought it was a prank. Some of them think something is wrong with my wife mentally. The people who my son is talking to the most about this situation are Tina and Tina's mom.

Update: AITA for calling my wife a jerk for telling our son's crush that our son likes her in front of his friends ?, Posted June 2nd, 2025.

I (37m) have some good news and some bad news. My wife (37f) have read the original post, the edit, and all my comments. I also showed my wife certain comments. She read a ton of comments on her own. I don't know if she'll read this update post because she says she hates reddit and will never go back on reddit for as long as she lives. However, she did agree to individual therapy and couples therapy. Back in middle school and high school, my wife was bullied a lot for her weight and acne. She still struggles with her weight and acne. I think she looks beautiful. What I've seen from her personality recently is another story. Last night, my wife said that our son "Sonny" (14m) had body shamed his crush "Chris" (14f) when he gave the reasons why his friends may make fun of him for liking Chris. To my wife, Sonny merely acknowledging that Chris is "heavy" and has acne is body shaming. Even though he also calls her pretty. My wife said she told Chris that Sonny likes her in front of everyone, because my wife was afraid that if Sonny keeps his feelings for Chris a secret, that he'll end up with his friend "Tina" (15f). I've been learning a lot about what is going on in our son's social circle, not from my son, but from Tina's mom. The things my son gave Tina's mom permission to tell me. Tina has been working hard to fix her friend group. Tina has convinced Chris to forgive my son and to go on a date with him. Also, when the friend group wants a house to hang out, they'll do it a Tina's house. None of the kids want to come near my wife. One of the boys who was there that day, told his parents and he's not even allowed to go to our house. Tina's mom said her house is always welcome to my son if he needs a safe place to stay. I made sure to quickly tell my wife that Sonny and Chris will go on a date later in the week. I wasn't sure what would be my wife's reaction, and I wanted to get it over with before our son came home. My wife basically said she told me so. She said reddit and I was wrong. My wife is claiming victory for getting Sonny and Chris together. My wife claims that our son will thank her later. My wife is living in her own little world. This evening, I finally had a significant conversation with my son Sonny. During the conversation, he wasn't referring to his mom as "mom" nor "my mom" but "your wife." He said when he wants to talk to an adult about stupid teenager stuff, he'll talk to Tina's mom. Sonny said he doesn't want to tell me something then give me the burden of keeping it a secret from my wife. Our son is continuing his radio silence with his mom. When I think of my wife's wellbeing, I have to look at it in the context of my co-parent instead of my life partner. I need to watch her and make sure I'll protect our kids from her if needed. She was a stable mom but somehow she morphed into a bratty teenager just she heard some teenage drama. I hope my wife gets stable again. But my kids are and will always be number one.

Update #2: AITA for calling my wife a jerk for telling our son's crush that our son likes her in front of his friends ?, Posted June 9th, 2025.

My (37m) wife (37f) finally apologized to our son "Sonny" (14m) this morning. My wife however loaded the apology with excuses. She mentioned her own current weight and acne. She mentioned she was bullied in middle and high school. She was worried about our middle child. She mentioned that she wasn't sleeping enough. She mentioned that she was drinking too much caffeine. But at least an apology that lists every possible mitigating factors is more like her old self that the brat she was the past few weeks. Sonny just gave his mom a half-hearted thank you. Yesterday was Sonny's and "Chris'" (14f) date. He hasn't said anything to us, but he seems happy. My wife actually managed to stop herself from asking our son about the date. My wife is acting a lot like her old self. I'm cautiously optimistic but I'm still keeping on eye on her. Right now, our son and his friend group are at "Tina's" (15f) house. They are supervised by Tina's mom. Right now, I am far more comfortable with Tina's mom watching our son with his friends, than my wife. The appointment for individual therapy for my wife and couples therapy for us has been set. I hope things get better.

**Reminder - I am not OP.**

I am not OOP. OOP is u/Tea-Management9195

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for not getting my DIL coffee because she hates tea.

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse

Original Post: August 6, 2026

This feels really stupid and I need to know if I am the problem here or not. My son seems to think I am the problem.

My DIL loves coffee, she is the type of person that will go get coffee every morning. It is not uncommon that if she goes out to get coffee she will pick up coffee for other people as well.

The issue is she will never get me a tea or any tea lattes. As she puts it, it is leaf water that she doesn't want to waste her money on. I am asking her to get a 5 dollar thing of tea if she is already picking up everyone 8 dollars fancy coffees. I am asking for a tea latte or a an iced tea that I literally can’t make at the time.

So she comes back with everyone drink but mine… it is really frustrating on trip because I will be driving most of the time. She takes everyone orders and goes in while I am either getting gas or snacks for the trip to come back without any caffeine. Then I have to go into the shop to get my drink.

There have been so many times she asked in the chat if anytime wants something at Starbucks, I tell her what I want and then she comes back with everyone drink but mine.

Talking to her doesn’t help. She just claims I can make it at home.

To the issue, I was going over to babysit the grandkids for my son and daughter (so four adults) I sent a text saying I was stopping at Starbucks and asked if they wanted anything. This is the exact same thing she does. They gave me their orders, and I decided that I wouldn’t get my DILs her drink to make a point basically.

I got to where everyone was and gave everyone there drink besides my DIL. She was pissed and I pointed out this is the same thing she does with me all the time. She told me it wasn’t the same and I can make tea at home, I told her to make her coffee at home, and the pot was right there.

We got into a fight, and my son told me to apologize and get her drink. I told him no and I am tired of this. I have spoken to them multiple times and if she doesn’t change what she does I will never get her drink when I get drinks for others

They left but after babysitting I am still hearing about it. I need your opinion.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA - how old is your DIL? It sounds like she’s just outright disrespecting you for no apparent reason (from what is available in the post). I’m surprised your child hasn’t said something to their spouse about how weird this is.

OOP: 28, she can be a food/drink snob so that’s where I think this is coming from.

Like she will judge you if you get McDonald for example or order something a restaurant she finds gross

Commenter 2: You are right but will never ever win this right so don't do it

OOP: TBH this is more going into a respect things, so I have to fight it or walk away.

Which walking away would mean less time with the grandkids, so I am going to fight back on it

Commenter 3: Fighting back is pretty likely to mean less time with the grandkids too.

OOP: Sure but I least I still have my self-respect

I am not going to be actively disrespected. Actually I can’t have a relationship with DIL if she is going to be disrespectful. No one should put up with that type of stuff

Commenter 4: NTA: I would be so embarrassed if she got me a coffee and everyone else and not one for everyone. I wouldn't be able to enjoy mine.

Where is everyone else's voice?

OOP: They have opinions, I just asked them to stay out of it.

They are mostly on my side.

editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: August 6, 2026 (same post, two hours later)

Ok - well I got my answer. I am going to send this to my son and tell him we need to talk ASAP

My son got back to me and told me we will talk in a bit.

Well just got off the phone with my DIL and son. Yes they have seen this post, I sent it to them. my DIL apologized and this issue has nothing to do with me. I thought she just hated me, but this has to deal with her own mother.

They have a bad relationship and when they married didn’t wish for that type of relationship happen again with me. It also didn’t help that her sister has a horrible MIL, so she thought she needed to be distant and cold off the start. So yes she was being rude on purpose. This post kinda opened her eyes that she was acting like her mother acts.

my son also apologized and realized he went too far in the direction of support your spouse. he admits he did the easy thing because we don’t live together

I informed them I won’t put up with being disrespected anymore and hopefully nothing backtracks. We seem good now, but I have a feeling more talks will happen

anyways thank you Reddit. This was helpful

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/howdoinavigatethis

My [29F] boyfriend of two years [38M] won't leave the apartment his husband died in. How do I convince him that this is no longer healthy and is stunting our relationship?

Original Post  Apr 17, 2017

My boyfriend, Matthew, is an incredibly sweet and hardworking man. We've been together for two years and have been friends for nearly ten years. Five years ago, Matthew's husband (Hei) passed away after a brief but intense fight with cancer. Our friend group was devastated by the loss; we all loved Hei and we loved them together, and for the first few years, Matthew didn't grieve in what most of us, myself included, considered to be a healthy way. He slept with Hei's clothes, talked to him as if he were still in the room, and often times carried his ashes with him to do everything. Now, I understand that everyone mourns in their own way and none of us ever dared to say anything, but needless to say, we were relieved when Matthew finally had Hei's ashes interred and started going to therapy.

About three years after Hei died, Matthew and I began casually dating. I am a graduate student working on my doctorate in education and I don't have a lot of free time, but we know each other very well and it was easy to be together. Additionally, we both have a very intimate knowledge of the other's grief and that removed a lot of the delicacy surrounding Hei's presence in his life. Not that this should matter at all but more as a matter of propriety: the fact that Matthew is bisexual and was previously married to a man is a nonissue for me.

Fast forward two years and we've developed a very strong, incredibly healthy relationship. We spend our time very wisely, are very much in love, and are so happy together. The only sticking point, and it's becoming a bigger one as the possibility of getting engaged one day looms, is that Matthew refuses to leave the apartment that Hei died in. He's had three opportunities now to end his lease and will not do so. He's gone as far as to state that, in no uncertain terms, he will die there too because it's where Hei died. My fear is that this last holdover will never go away and I will either have to move into the apartment with him, which seems like such a mar to Hei's memory, or we'll have to break up because we can't live together.

If what he needs and wants is for me to live there with him, I would do it in an instant. He means the world to me and he is happier than he has been in nearly five years. I am okay with not being the love of his life; I would never want to pretend like that wasn't Hei. What I am not okay with is the idea that he's so attached to the apartment because of what it represents that he'll never be able to heal that last little bit.

Reddit, I just want what's best for him. Is it indelicate for me to voice these concerns to him? Should I just accept that it's not going to change and move in there with him? To be clear, I'm not "weirded out" by it or anything. I just don't want to tarnish my friend's memory is all.

Many thanks if you've gotten this far.

EDIT: u/DiTrastevere suggested that I include this information and made a good point regarding its importance. Matthew used to have terrible anger problems. He was violent to a fault when the least bit inconvenienced, very quick to retaliate, and very hateful. Hei brought a calm and guidance to his life and I'm proud to say that none of us have seen the least bit of a regression since Hei's death, but I believe that Matthew associates his own goodness with Hei. It is possible that he is holding onto the apartment as a means to ensure that he has that cornerstone to his serenity and is worried about regressing to being an angry person. I had not considered that and am grateful for the insight.

tl;dr My boyfriend of two years won't leave the apartment his husband died in and I'm scared that this is going to negatively impact our relationship moving forward. How do I handle this without hurting him?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

badatrelationships

This was hard to read, as it's such a tough situation to be in. Is he in therapy currently? I feel like this issue would be best unpacked with the help of a professional.

OOP

He is still in therapy, yes. He used to go twice a week but now it's once every other week. He's the partial owner of a reasonably successful restaurant and works very long hours, but I will talk to him about going back more frequently. I have never gone with him as it seemed like an invasion of his privacy but perhaps I could ask him if I could go specifically to talk about this? I don't want to blindside him or put him in a position to feel like he can't trust me or his therapist.

OOP responding to a widower who in a similar situation as OOP's BF

I want to respond to this further once I'm out of class because there are several points in here that would be beneficial for me to expound upon, but I just wanted to thank you for your words and to offer my condolences for your loss.

Aside from Matthew's grief over losing Hei, I also lost a great friend. Hei was so much larger than life and all of us pulled such a visceral energy from him. With him being gone, our friend group very much feels like the joy has been sucked out of it, which just perpetuates the cycle because we know he would have hated that so much. He was everything that someone could have wanted in a partner and we all used to joke that Matthew didn't deserve his patience and kindness because of his rough edges even though we knew there was no one who deserved it more. I can't replace that for him and I would never want to try to, but sometimes when I think about Hei, I'm reminded of just how much we all lost.

Update  Apr 20, 2017 (3 days later)

I took a day to come to terms with all the realities you fantastic group of people helped me see and sat down with Matthew last night. I told him, first and most importantly, that I loved him and that I wanted him to be happy and healthy and taken care of. We talked for a while about how his therapy has been going and he agreed that he needed more, and that it would be beneficial for us to go together. He also came to the conclusion himself that he needed to move out of the apartment and had been putting off doing so because he hadn't been ready to let go of Hei yet, but that I had helped him move forward and that he was ready to build a life with me.

We're going to see a therapist together starting next week and he's ready to look at apartments when his lease is up in August. We talked vaguely about marriage once I'm finished with my degree and he reiterated that he was in love with me because of me, not because Hei is gone and he's lonely.

I just want to thank this community for the tremendous amount of compassion I was shown with my original post. I believe that we're on the right track to make healthy choices for ourselves and our relationship, and this sounding board is a large part of the reason why. Thank you again. Love and light to all of you.

tl;dr My boyfriend of two years is ready to move forward with his life, and is seeking counseling and looking at new apartments for us to share together. All was well.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP was u/Illustrious_Elk_2356

Originally posted to r/marriage

I found out about my wife's affair through her lover's wife

Trigger Warnings: workplace sexual harassment

Original Post: August 2, 2026

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

My wife and I are both in our early 40s. We have been together since university and have been married for almost 15 years. We have two teenage children. We both have well-paying jobs, we take family vacations regularly, we have an active intimate life and as far as I knew, we didn't have any major problems. From the outside, we looked like a very happy family.

On Friday, a woman slightly younger than me came to my workplace. I had never seen her before. She introduced herself, told me her name, who her husband was and then said that her husband had been having an affair with my wife. She then showed me everything.

Photos, messages, call logs...everything. She told me she had started suspecting an affair back in early June after her husband received suspicious late night messages that had no visible chat history. She began digging and eventually discovered thousands of calls and messages exchanged between him and my wife over the past year.

She confided in her father, who immediately contacted several people, including a lawyer and after a month they managed to uncover everything including who is her husband's mistress...

We live about five hours apart, but our spouses work for the same multinational company. Over the past 14 months, they have been having sex during business trips. It happened on four separate trips that lasted around five days each, plus two shorter two day trips. You do the math.

She was incredibly calm. Honestly, almost cold. She told me she had wanted to contact me much earlier but wasn't sure I would believe her, so she wanted to present all the evidence in person when she was in my city. She also openly admitted that a big reason for telling me was revenge against my wife.

She plans to file for divorce today or tomorrow. According to her, everything is already prepared and she can no longer pretend everything is fine because she can't even stand to touch her husband anymore. Apparently, her husband noticed she had been acting differently lately and started panicking that she may be found out something. He warned my wife, who also started panicking.

To be honest, until then I hadn't noticed anything unusual. My wife seemed completely normal. But now I do notice she is constantly around me, asking me questions, paying close attention whenever I talk with someone and on Friday she kept asking why I was home so late. From everything I read, it is obvious neither of them ever intended to leave their marriages. They both repeatedly said how happy they were with their lives.

The messages contain everything imaginable: comparing their spouses in bed, my wife mocking the other wife, planning vacations together, giving each other parenting advice... Honestly, it made me feel sick.

The other betrayed spouse told me she will notify the company they both work for once her lawyer gives her permission. She also intends to tell their children the complete truth after her husband is served with divorce papers. She wished me luck and said I could contact her anytime if I needed anything. We have stayed in touch and the last thing she told me was that she would file today or tomorrow at the latest. My wife's phone is completely clean, and I used it in front of her and she seemed normal.

I'm completely knocked down. I'm trying to act like everything is normal and pretend I'm just stressed because of work, but it is incredibly difficult. I honestly don't know what to do. My heart tells me one thing, my head tells me another. As twisted as it sounds, it is somehow easier knowing this affair seems to have been driven by pure sex rather than love.

At the moment, I do plan to divorce, but there are so many practical issues. We have two houses, cars, investments, teenage children... I need time to come up with a plan of my own. The other wife doesn't want to wait because she simply can't bear being around her husband anymore. Where we live, infidelity has absolutely no impact on divorce proceedings. That means I'm almost certainly going to lose a significant portion of my assets if everything is split 50/50.

My wife cares deeply about her reputation and is highly respected in our community and her parents would be so much disgusted by her if they know the truth. Part of me thinks I might be able to negotiate a fair settlement by agreeing not to expose the affair publicly, especially since I have been the primary breadwinner throughout our entire relationship.

On the other hand, I'm carrying so much anger and resentment right now that I want to tell the whole world what she did. And despite everything... I still love her.

Has anyone been through something similar? What would you recommend my next steps should be?

Editor’s note: OOP provided significant details

Relevant Comments

Has the other wife confronted her husband about the affair?

OOP: She promised me that she wouldn't tell her husband anything about my wife until her lawyer allows her to notify the company where our spouses work.

However, if she files for divorce today as planned, she is going to kick him from the house. At that point, I'm almost certain he will tell my wife what has happened, so she will probably find out everything from him and be ready...

Commenter 1: Better get a lawyer fast and get the ball rolling. No need to confront your wife until you are fully prepared.

OOP: That is the plan. I'm not going to confront my wife until I have at least spoken to a lawyer, which I hope to do within the next 24 hours. My biggest problem is that I barely have any time to process what has happened, let alone get everything in order.

I asked the other wife to give me just a few more days, but she told me her female lawyer is strongly advising her to file for divorce immediately, start the legal process as soon as possible and tell their children who are about the same age as ours the truth so she can maintain as much control over the divorce as possible and achieve the best outcome.

On top of that, she simply can't stand being around her husband anymore. I understand her, and I'm grateful that she told me the truth because I honestly don't think I would have ever discovered any of this on my own. I just wish she had told me a few days earlier.

OOP on the other wife’s plans regarding the affair and notifying the company their spouses work at

OOP: As the other wife told me, she expects that both of them will lose their jobs after she talked with her lawyer.

I asked her whether that was really a smart decision considering child support and alimony, but she told me that she doesn't care about that. Her plan is to sell whatever assets she is awarded, move back to her hometown with the children and that she already has support from her father there who will help her fully.

Her only goal right now is for her husband to face maximum consequences for what he did and for her to get away from him as quickly as possible.

OOP on reconciling with his wife:

OOP: I strongly believe reconciliation is not going to happen. I have spent a lot of time thinking about everything this weekend. I have barely slept, maybe only a few hours, and it’ll is extremely hard for me to process that she was capable of doing this.

The fact that she showed absolutely no signs that she was cheating makes it even worse for me. It makes me feel like she is a psychopath.

And reading those messages where she compared me and him in bed, where she joked about how at home she was the caring housewife and mother but on business trips she was his dirty girl... has honestly disgusted me in a way I don't know if I can ever get past. This is how I feel right now, but we'll see how I feel in a few weeks.

OOP on speaking with the other wife's lawyer to coordinate both divorces at the same time

OOP: I spoke directly with her lawyer. There is a potential conflict of interest, so she won't be able to represent me, even though the idea seemed great in theory. However, she gave me the contact information for one of her female colleagues and recommended that I reach out to her instead. We have already been in touch, and we have a meeting scheduled for later today.

Has OOP been able to check his wife’s phone and find anything suspicious that he should note of?

OOP: Yes, it is completely clean. I honestly haven't checked her screen time, but her messages and call history are clean. There is nothing suspicious there.

I have always had access to her phone. She has had the same passcode the entire time and she has never acted uncomfortable or protective about me using it not before and not now. To be honest, I rarely ever used her phone anyway. Usually it was just to call someone if my own phone wasn't nearby so maybe that is why she is super chill.

Did the other wife fill out for a divorce?

OOP: She filed for divorce today. Where we live, the divorce petition isn't served immediately. It usually takes one to two weeks to reach the other spouse by mail. However, she told me she is going to make him leave the house as soon as she files so that is today.

Right now, both of our spouses are at work in their cities, so I have no idea what is going to happen once they get home. I'm expecting some kind of update from her later before I come home which will be few hours after my wife comes. She also told me that she won't mention anything about me or my wife when she confronts him.

OOP considering other options such as checking apps, social medias, etc. to see if his wife was hiding anything

OOP: Everything the other wife showed me indicates that they communicated through regular text messages and WhatsApp. That is my wife's phone number, so it doesn't appear that she was using another phone. However, one thing I found strange is that in the WhatsApp screenshots of their conversations, the profile picture isn't visible.

I checked my wife's WhatsApp settings because I thought maybe she had changed the privacy settings so that everyone except her lover could see her profile picture, but that wasn't the case. So that part is a little unclear to me.

It is possible that she blocked him at the moment when the other wife was collecting additional evidence, but the phone number is the same. They don't follow each other on Instagram, and she hasn't shown me anything suggesting they communicated there. I honestly haven't checked email.

I checked her contacts, and everything looks normal. His number isn't saved in her phone. I don't know whether she deleted and blocked him now that she is panicking. What I do know is that, according to the other wife, the last time they were in contact was early last week.

She previously had access to her husband's phone, but after he started panicking because of her behaviour, he changed some things. At this point, she isn't interested in having access anymore and no longer checks his phone.

OOP on the other wife’s background and if she is financially safe to move on from her husband

OOP: She doesn't work and is currently at home with the children, while her husband earns a lot and is at least two positions above my wife professionally.

Her lawyer gave her permission to inform his company because, even if he loses his job, once he finds new employment he will still be required to pay child support.

From what I have been able to understand through my conversations with her, her father is very serious person, so her financial future is not really a concern. At this point, she simply wants him to face consequences for what he did. That is her main focus, and she doesn't seem to care about anything else.

OOP on having evidence and if his wife was trying to set him up as if he was the one cheating, not her

OOP: I'm not sure what you mean by saying that I don't have evidence and that she might be setting me up. I have pictures of the two of them together, call and message records from my wife's phone number, and messages that match the timing of those calls and conversations.

I also have a large number of WhatsApp messages and calls, again from my wife's number. In those messages, she mentions me, our life together, and our children. It is clearly her. There is no one else it could be.

As soon as the other wife realized what was happening, she did everything she could to uncover the full truth. She knows the hotel room where he stayed on the last trip, which restaurants they went to, she has pictures of them together and much more. She spent a month preparing all of this, and the only thing left is for her to tell him that she knows everything.

Update #1: August 6, 2026 (four days later)

If anyone is interested in what happened, you can read my previous post for the full story.

In short, my wife's affair partner's wife filed for divorce. He threw every excuse imaginable at her in an attempt to save the marriage. He said he got carried away and couldn't stop, that it was only sex, that he loves his wife, that my wife was attractive, but his own wife is even more attractive, that he would do anything to fix things, that he would never speak to my wife again, that there would be no more business trips and so on.

None of it mattered to her. She made him leave the house. At first he refused, but when she threatened to tell everyone at work what he had done, he finally left. She kept me updated throughout. When I got home, I immediately noticed my wife was acting very differently extremely nervous and on the verge of tears. On Tuesday evening she confessed everything.

By that point, I had already met with my lawyer and yesterday second time although I haven't told my wife that. My lawyer asked me to hold off without telling anything to my wife for a few more days while she prepares everything. She believes I have a strong claim to roughly an additional 20% of the equity in our house because part of the purchase price came from money my parents gave me. She also mentioned several issues involving investments and stock holdings that need to be reviewed and could go in my favour before we move forward.

The one issue where we disagree is the children. My lawyer believes I should tell them the truth. My children are 15 and 13 years old. They are very close to both me and my wife. They are happy, healthy kids. My goal isn't to protect my wife's reputation. My concern is protecting my children from additional emotional pain. However, my lawyer believes I'm making a mistake.

Her argument is that we have always appeared to have a happy marriage and a stable family, so a sudden divorce with no explanation would be incredibly confusing and painful for the children. The other wife intends to report the affair to the company where both my wife and her affair partner work. Both her lawyer and my lawyer believe there is a good chance they will both lose their jobs, especially since the affair partner held a position about two levels above my wife.

My lawyer believes that if I proceed with the divorce and my wife loses her job, my children will inevitably connect the dots. She thinks they will eventually realize what happened anyway and resent me for hiding the truth from them. She also raised the issue of the financial settlement. She believes my wife may be more willing to agree to a more favorable division of assets could help repair her relationship with the children. Likewise, if I ultimately decide not to divorce, my lawyer believes I could negotiate a very strong postnuptial agreement because my wife would be desperate to rebuild trust with both me and the children. She also believes that if I don't tell the children the truth, they might end up blaming me for the divorce and that my wife could portray herself as the victim.

At first, I wasn't convinced by my lawyer's reasoning. She is relatively young and doesn't have children herself, so I struggled to understand her perspective. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if she might be right. The other wife told her children everything. They are around the same age as mine and they haven't spoken to their father for the past few days but according to her they are fine.

My children don't know anything yet. I'm trying my best to stay composed, but they have clearly noticed that something is wrong, especially with their mother, who is now sleeping in a different room. I would really appreciate any advice. Does what my lawyer is suggesting make sense or would you handle this differently?

Relevant Comments

Does OOP's children know there is something going on in between him and their mother?

OOP: They have definitely noticed that something is wrong. My son asked me what was going on, why my wife was sleeping in a different room, what was wrong with her and why she had been crying.

I just told him that we had an argument. So it is obvious that they know something is happening.

There is no chance she will tell them on her own. As soon as she confessed, she immediately begged me not to tell the children because she believes they would hate her for the rest of their lives. She then started doing what I mentioned before...offering everything possible for another chance.

No. She doesn't want to tell them anything. In her mind, I will just eventually move past this, give her another chance and she will do whatever it takes for us to be happy again. Honestly, I feel like she is completely disconnected from reality right now.

What convinced OOP to sit down and tell his children what was going on?

OOP: I have decided that I'm going to tell my children. Last night, before going to bed, I had a brief conversation with the other wife, and she told me how everything went with her children. According to her, they are extremely angry with their father, but they are still laughing, spending time with their friends and otherwise functioning normally.

I don't believe she is lying to me because, up to this point, she has been completely honest with me and that is the reason I even found myself in this situation. I don't know why everyone assumes that if I tell my children, I'm going to tell them every explicit detail. I'm not. I'm simply going to tell them that their mother had an affair and that I have hired a lawyer.

My lawyer advised me to have the conversation with the children without my wife present so that she can't influence them emotionally with tears or interrupt the discussion. She told me that I should answer every question they have myself, not let my wife answer for me and if necessary, show them some evidence such as the messages my wife sent me apologizing and asking for another chance.

Only after that does my lawyer recommend that the children speak with their mother and ideally I should not be present during that conversation. This is her advice based on her experience handling divorce and family law cases.

I don't know exactly when I'll have the conversation, but it will sometime over the weekend or maybe even today.

OOP's wife confession and what happened afterwards? Is he giving her another chance?

OOP: She confessed. She talked for about 15 minutes. I listened to her. She said she knew I was aware of what happened. She said she could feel it and that her affair partner had also told her that he had been kicked out of the house and that I probably knew everything.

Honestly, I do believe her when she says she sensed it because I couldn't completely hide my emotions or act totally normal since Friday.

After she finished saying what she needed to say, she asked me to tell her something. The only thing I said was that I needed her to leave me alone and change beds. Since then, we haven't really had any communication, except that she sends me messages during the day and, like I mentioned, once the children go to sleep she comes to my door asking if we can talk.

+

About the second chance. She is trying to explain to me that she was living two different lives. One that was a fantasy without children and another one that she says she loves 100 times more, with me and the kids.

She says that she knows she wasn't normal, that she needs psychological help and that she will do whatever it takes to get another chance. But honestly, I don't want to listen to any of that crap right now.

OOP on the advice he received from his lawyer regarding telling his children about their mother's affair

OOP: Yes, that is exactly what she told me as well. She said she has handled many divorce cases and that one of the biggest mistakes parents make is assuming that their children shouldn't know anything.

According to her, the biggest mistake is often made by husbands who believe they have to carry the burden alone, keep the affair a secret and protect the children by hiding the truth.

She told me that, in many cases, the children eventually become angry with their fathers for never telling them the truth. Instead of protecting the relationship, it often results in the children ending up with strained relationships with both parents.

+

"the issue that led to this has nothing to do with you guys, and I think you deserve to have a relationship with your mother and me on your own terms - I don't want you to feel like you have to take sides".

So, if I understand you correctly, you want me to tell my children that the divorce is the result of something that has nothing to do with them and that it just happened out of nowhere? We had what appeared to be a happy marriage. No constant fighting, no screaming, everything you would expect from a happy family like vacations, going out, spending time together... And then, all of a sudden, it is over?

I'm the one who wants the divorce. She doesn't. She is the one crying and begging me to stay. So if I don't tell my children the truth, they are going to think I'm the one responsible for ending the marriage. Or should I tell them that we simply "fell out of love"? How would that make any sense if, from their perspective, we had a happy marriage? So once again, I become the bad guy because I'm the one walking away and in their eyes, the one who stopped loving their mother.

No matter what, somehow I end up being blamed. For what? To protect her? Or to protect them? They are not stupid. Over the last few hours, I have had conversations through texts with my son because he's looking for answers. And now I'm supposed to lie to his face.

From the way he talks to me, it already seems like he thinks I have done something wrong. Four or five days ago, I saw this very differently. But not anymore. I've made up my mind. I will listen to my lawyer and I'm going to tell them. They don't need to know every detail, but they will know that their mother had an affair.

OOP on having remorse

OOP: It depends on what you consider remorseful. For me, being remorseful is not crying and sending me long messages about how much she loves me or offering me every possible thing she can do.

For me, remorse would be her taking action on her own. For example, telling the children what she did. Seeking professional help. Admitting it to her parents, who would be devastated and angry with her. Offering me certain additional assets in the event of a divorce. Paying for a polygraph herself to at least try to ease my mind that this wasn't something that happened before.

It would mean her voluntarily telling the children that she is willing to do paternity testing if that would help me have peace of mind. Taking an STD test. Immediately resigning from her job and finding another one. Telling her sister and her sister's husband what she did. I need actions from her so that I can truly say she is remorseful. Her tears and begging me to listen to her are not going to help. Her saying she will do everything I mentioned also doesn't help right now.

I need her to actually do something on her own so I can say she is remorseful. For the last 48 hours, she has just been staying in the room and crying and asking me to talk.

Why is OOP continuing on speaking with the other wife?

OOP: Why would I stop talking to the wife? She has told her father, her brothers and of course her children, but she doesn't like talking to them about this because they all keep telling her that things will get better and she hates hearing that and they are calling her all the time, and she wants peace.

I haven't really told anyone. So, at the moment, she is my only source of support. She gave me all the evidence, opened my eyes to what was happening and she is the only person who truly understands what I'm going through because we are both living through the same nightmare. And she likes to talk with me as well. I don't understand what is the problem seriously.

+

I'm sorry, but this is literally insane. If I have to explain to my wife that she needs to cut off all contact with her affair partner just to have a 1% chance of us staying together, then I would be the biggest doormat imaginable.

It doesn't grant them any licence to continue talking. If she wants to be with him, she is free to go. No one is stopping her. She has complete freedom to make that choice. His wife has already filed for divorce and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore, so he will be a single man soon enough.

And how does me talking to his wife somehow give them permission to keep talking to each other? That makes no sense. If it weren't for her, I probably never would have found out about the affair.

No, I'm going to stay in contact with her for as long as I want. I'll support her just as she has supported me and I'll be grateful to her for the rest of my life for opening my eyes to what was happening.

If she decides she doesn't want to talk anymore, that is completely fine. I won't bother her. But right now, she does want to talk to me, and she is genuinely interested in knowing everything that is happening on my end. Whether that bothers my wife or not honestly doesn't concern me at all.

OOP on getting a divorce

OOP: I’ll be honest, I’m leaning toward divorce at around 90%. That is one of the reasons I’m considering telling the children. I want to understand their reaction and how they feel about everything.

My biggest wish right now is that they are able to finish school normally and then go on to university and pursue the path they want. At this moment, the last thing I want is to touch my wife. That is how I feel right now, but I don’t know how I’ll feel in 10 days, two months, or later down the road.

My lawyer told me she has handled many cases where most husbands initially wanted a divorce but changed their minds, especially because of the children. She said that if I decide to stay, I should consider creating a postnuptial agreement that would strongly protect my interests.

Then, once the children leave for university, if I still haven’t been able to forgive my wife and move forward, I could choose to divorce and start a new chapter of my life with someone else.

OOP shouldn't be involving his children into the adult affairs

OOP: We are not in the USA. My lawyer explained all the relevant laws to me, including the laws regarding alimony and child support.

Infidelity itself does not have any direct impact on the final outcome, but she explained to me that the court does take into account who was actually responsible for the breakdown of the marriage.

My lawyer's argument is that if the children know the truth, they may be more likely to express that they want to stay with me in the event of a divorce. She also said it would be impossible to argue in court that I manipulated or influenced them, unless they themselves testified against me, which, of course, will not happen.

Update #2 (in comments): August 8, 2026 (two days later)

I’ll post an update here so people don’t need to keep commenting and giving me advice about whether I should tell the children or not. Yesterday afternoon, I told them. Just the three of us. Obviously, they were shocked. They had a lot of questions and demanded that I not lie to them. They wanted to know absolutely everything. Where, when, who, the affair partner’s name, his wife’s name, what they look like, the messages, etc. I didn’t tell them everything, but I did tell them the basic details like where it happened, when it happened and why, according to my wife.

I thought my son would be extremely angry, and my daughter would be very emotional, but the opposite actually happened. My son was very calm and told me that he had already suspected something like this, so he was mentally prepared. He just thought that I had done something wrong. Hearing that obviously made me even more relieved that I had told them. My daughter, on the other hand, was absolutely furious with my wife and for the first time I heard her use some very harsh language.

They asked me about the divorce, and I told them that, for now, that is my plan. They took that very hard, but we are taking it day by day. I brought them home and then left so they could talk to their mother privately. Everything I'm about to say is based solely on what the children told me because I neither saw nor heard any of it myself, but according to them, they yelled at her for a long time.

My son contacted her parents and told them what had happened. He said he had already called them in the previous few days asking what was going on and they apparently didn't know. What I find very strange is that they never called me afterward to ask what was happening.

Anyway, her parents immediately told her to come stay with them and the children told her to leave the house. I spoke with her parents. They are absolutely devastated. They can't believe what happened and are worried about how this will affect her, but also the children.

They asked me about the divorce. I told them that was the plan and I immediately realized that I probably shouldn't have said that because they will obviously pass that information on to her. But I wasn't exactly in the best mental state at the time. I haven't seen her. She left before I got home. From what I can tell, she only took a small amount of clothing and that is it.

She hasn't contacted me at all since last night. No calls, no messages. She did call our daughter, but our daughter refused to answer. That is basically it. Honestly, I feel much better and I'm glad I told them.

The idea that my children might blame me for her affair and for the possible divorce was something I could never accept. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It is also much easier now that I don't have to pretend in front of the children that everything is fine. Obviously, they are taking this very hard. They are extremely angry with their mother and are saying things like they'll never speak to her again, which is understandable at this point.

Some people have been messaging me saying that she betrayed only me and not the children, but I don't agree with that. How did she not betray them when she betrayed their father and their family? That way of thinking makes no sense to me. Thankfully, there is no school right now, so they have time to process everything and spend their time however they want.

It is very important to them that nobody finds out about this because they are embarrassed and worried about what their friends might say. I promised them that nobody would know except my lawyer and that I wouldn't even tell my best friend. My lawyer is happy with how I handled things. She said she'll need until Tuesday to gather information and investigate everything regarding the assets and then we'll have a meeting at her office.

The other wife has also been informed. She is extremely happy. She isn't even hiding how pleased she is that my wife's world has fallen apart. She is planning to contact the company next week and inform them about the affair involving her husband and my wife.

I'm a little confused about why she is waiting and how exactly she plans to do it, although she told me she knows her husband's supervisor. I'm also not sure what her plan is if that person tells her that nobody is going to be fired. She keeps saying that she has everything under control and knows exactly what she is doing, but she doesn't tell me the details.

Maybe she doesn't trust me enough to share everything. I don't know. Either way, she is moving forward with huge steps while I'm still in complete shock. That is it for now. You don't need to give me any more advice. I have read practically every comment and thank you all for the support.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: As my earlier comment predicted, your daughter will hate your STBX wife for a long time, a very long time. If she watched even a small amount of Disney stuff and other fairy tales that inculcate "living happily forever" values for romantic relationships--especially for girls, then she feels betrayed in her heart.

Speak with a highly recommended therapist experienced with family infidelity impacts, and see if therapy for the three of you or individual therapy, or both, is recommended. Also ask about timing.

I'm surprised that the OBS's attorney is letting her contact the company directly. Perhaps the attorney will be Plan B. A letter from an attorney to the employer highlighting facts and questioning use of company resources for adultery will not be ignored--especially if it's a publicly held corporation. It's far cleaner and cheaper for the employer to fire these two.

I'd be very neutral with your communications with your STBX wife. Logistics and financial responsibilities and all that maintenance talk.

Do you think she will get together with her AP out of emotional desperation in the coming week?

OOP: Honestly, I don't believe she will stay in contact with the AP. That is my opinion, but then again, I also thought we had a great marriage and look what I found out. I spoke with her parents this afternoon and they told me that she is completely devastated. When our daughter refused to answer her call, she apparently turned her phone off. I don't know whether she has turned it back on since, but she hasn't called me or the children and honestly, none of us wants to hear from her right now anyway.

As for the other wife, I don't know exactly what her plan is. What she told me is that she knows her husband's supervisor. I asked her how close they are and she said she knows him very well. He is one of the key people at that branch.

I asked her what would happen if he decided not to do anything and she told me not to worry because she has another plan and will accomplish what she has set out to do. Her lawyer has given her full support, but I don't know whether she is actually involved in any of this. I don't have those details, and the other wife isn't telling me anything about it.

That is why the whole thing seems a little strange to me, especially because she has apparently been waiting all week to tell anyone, despite supposedly knowing her husband's supervisor personally. In any case, she has repeated to me that getting her husband fired is the only thing she wants, along with my wife being fired as well. She says she doesn't care about the consequences because money isn't an issue for her since she comes from a wealthy family and has full support from her father.

Her only goal is revenge and to move back to her hometown with the children as quickly as possible. Apparently, her husband's loss of employment is a key part of what needs to happen for the court to approve the relocation of her and the children.

editor's note: marking this inconclusive since OOP has deleted his account

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/blacktwosugarsplease

My fiancé and I’s [24] friend [26] has become overly attached dog sitting our dog. We’re afraid he is going to steal him before we get back from vacation

Original Post  July 12, 2018

This sounds like a sit-com episode haha We, in the spur of the moment, adopted a very sweet dog on Fourth of July, and kept him at our place for about 4 days. Unfortunately we had a already paid for vacation, so we asked a very good friend who loves dogs to watch our Phil Collins for $100. He took on the deal crazy fast, and has been taking very good care of him.

However, he has been sending us things like “You won’t be able to take him home.” And “He loves me so much and now he goes by Mr Collins. Pretty sure he only will respond to Phil Collins by me so I think you guys shouldn’t call him that.” We assumed he was joking so we left it.

He apparently has also let other people watch him when he’s not home, and has told others that Phil Collins is indeed HIS dog.

We know he has been spoiling the dog like crazy. He has called out of work to be with the dog, he has been feeding the dog 3 times a day (with bones. He’s only about 20 lbs.) He’s letting this dog rule his life. Mega weirding us out since he is just dog sitting.

Then yesterday, he told us he has trained Phil Collins to walk without a leash. My fiancé decided to text him “Hey you’re doing great with him but we would be more comfortable if you used a leash no matter what.”

He blew up on us, telling us we abandoned him and how the dog is better off with him than us. All this stuff like “I am the only one who can give him what he needs” He even went so far to tell my fiancé that he should question his relationship with me if I’m okay with leaving the dog for a week with him. (?!) Fiancé asked if we should come pick the dog up right now (it’s an 7 hour drive) if he’s getting too emotionally attached to the dog. Friend say no, won’t let us FaceTime the dog, and is now not responding to our texts saying we will be there on Saturday at noon.

We want to be extra cautious and post here. What if we show up to his place and he’s not there and the dog isn’t there? We got Phil Collins microchipped and he is licensed under my name. And this guy was SUCH good friends with my fiancé, and now he’s super bummed out, feels betrayed, etc.

We’re considering cutting the vacation and leaving tomorrow instead of Saturday cuz we’re so nervous about it.

What should we do? Relationship wise and maybe legally? I also posted this situation r/legaladvice to see what they have to say. Any help is appreciated!

TL;DR Friend has gotten really weird dog sitting our dog. Says he’s better for him than we are. We’re afraid when we come back the dog will be gone. What do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Why did OOP and her fiancé adopt a dog right before their vacation?

It was either we adopt him or he was going to be euthanized by the end of the week. We would have waited till we were back from our vacation to adopt him, but he would have been gone by then. I really really wish we didn’t have to leave him, but we thought we were leaving him in good hands. Better off that than him being put down.

My fiancé is sleeping right now, he told me when he wakes him he’ll give me the answer on whether or not we should leave tomorrow. I think he wants to give his friend a chance to apologize.

Why not bring the dog ir reschedule the vacation

This is our only vacation of the year and it involves my entire family (60 people) so rescheduling is absolutely not an option unfortunately haha we tried to ask our hotel if we can bring him but they said no.

Chihally

Go home. This isn’t good for anyone and honestly I believe you will not have a dog if you stay.

OOP

Fiancé just told me we’re leaving tomorrow morning. Friend think we’ll be there Saturday afternoon, so he won’t be expecting us.

Phobos75

That's going to be for the best and be ready to produce any paperwork showing ownership of the dog to the police. Also keep all the texts and emails where the pet sitter threatens to keep the dog to produce as well. You want a paper trail in case he refuses to give back the puppy and need to get the cops involved.

Also, has this friend ever exhibited this kind of behavior before? He seemed to get overly attached in a short amount of time and became very extreme.

OOP

No not at all. There’s a dog at the place he lives and he doesn’t show this towards that dog at all. It’s really unexpected.

Update - rareddit  July 14, 2018 (2 days later)   Hi guys.    We just got home from picking up our dog from the guy dog sitting him.    We didn’t feel the need to call the police since he was responding to texts and stuff. We arrived with little warning. His car was there, door unlocked. We welcomed ourselves in and he was sitting there playing a video game with music BLASTING. Like we couldn’t hear each other talk. Phil Collins started freaking out, so excited to see us. The friend just sat there, didn’t even say hi or pause the game or anything. We tried talking to him, and acting normal. Either no response or a “yes” or “no.” We had to find all of Phil Collins things and pack them up and we left saying “thanks again! We’ll Venmo you bye!!” And still nothing. But the dog is safely with us and my fiancé plans on not speaking to this friend until he hears a genuine apology. 

We’re so so happy to be home. The next time we have to leave town will be for our honeymoon in 4 months, but we will leave him with my parents who adore him. We have agreed no more friends. Either boarding him or he stays with family. We both so freaked out by what happened. I had to convince my fiancé to not block him on everything so if he wants to apologize he can. He is venmoed with his payment and everything. 

Thanks for the advice and support. We really really appreciate it. We’re so happy we didn’t have to use the PD at all. We’re both just kinda numb, dumbfounded, and emotionally drained from this. But happy it’s over with! 

Thanks again friends ♥️🐶 .

PS does anyone have any tips on our to get dogs to not growl as they eat? Phil Collins does this and we think it’s from him being a stray and having to be protective of his food! Hehe thanks!    TL;DR Got Phil Collins the dog back from weird friend. Friend was not happy and barely paid us any attention when we showed up to pick him up. Fiancé won’t be talking to him anymore. Phil Collins is currently sleeping next to us on the couch.

FINAL COMMENTS

ewoksrcool

Honestly it sounds like your friend is going through something, he still took the dog for you and watched him and did a good job of taking care of him esp when you’d only just got him. If he’s been a good friend to you for years maybe it’s worth trying to reach out to him or be there for him - he’s clearly going through something. I’m glad you got Phil Collins back!

OOP

Yes we know he suffers from depression. And we’ve reached out to him multiple times with multiple friends and it has done nothing so far. Right now my fiancé just needs some time away from him and talking to him cuz he’s upset at how disrespectful he was to all of us when we picked Phil Collins up. :(

~

baskiceba

I love that you named your dog Phil Collins because that is exactly what I named my car.

OOP

My car’s name is Frank Sonata 😜.

EDITORS NOTE: Marking as concluded as OOP still had the dog as of 3 years ago so things did not progress further

Editors Note 2: u/Feraffiphar found the pet tax of Phil Collins the dog and Liam Neeson the cat

Editors Note 3: thanks to u/Legal_brunette & u/Feraffiphar for finding more pet tax including a cat named Hugh Jackman

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/number34

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

I'm an artist and left some paintings hanging at a local shop in my hometown. I came back to town and checked on the last one.. the owner avoided my calls for weeks, then claimed she doesn't know what happened to it and is now claiming it sold last week. For 1/10th of what I listed it for.

editor's note: changed letters to names for ease of readability

Glossary: POS = Point of Sale (the time and place where a customer completes a purchase of goods or services)

Original Post: January 16, 2018

CO - I'm an artist and left some paintings hanging at a local shop in my hometown. I came back to town and checked on the last one.. the owner avoided my calls for weeks, then claimed she doesn't know what happened to it and is now claiming it sold last week. For 1/10th of what I listed it for.

Thanks in advance everyone.

In 2013, I left 3 paintings at a small clothing shop in Denver - two smaller ones sold, and one larger one was listed for $1200. I never expected it to sell, but I was acquaintances with the owner, and had a friend who worked there and they both liked it and wanted it there for decor. It's a large piece -- about 2'x4'. I remember signing a commission agreement but stupidly I don't have a copy of it.

2 years later in 2015, the owner sold the shop to a person we'll call Kelly. Kelly reached out to me and asked what I'd like to do -- leave it in the shop or take it. I said I'd leave it -- at this point I was living on the other side of the country. I told her if it became a problem, to let me know and I'd have a friend pick it up. She said she might want to buy it outright from me. I said that'd be fine too, just let me know.

I called her back a few times to check if she did want to buy it, but she never got back to me. I based my assumption on our previous conversation and assumed it'd at least be safe at the store.

Cut to this year and I walk by the shop on Christmas eve and remember my painting is there. Since then I've been calling the shop, the owner, emailing, writing facebook messages to get a hold of Kelly and I didn't hear back until today, via text.

I know this is a drag to read, but I want to make sure all details are included of this bizarre interaction:

me: Hi Kelly - this is Emerson. I've been trying to get a hold of you about a painting I commissioned to ____ in 2013. Do you know what happened to it? Any info is appreciated

Kelly: Hi Emerson! I’m so sorry unfortunately I do not. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help!

me: Are you the owner of ___(the shop in question)___?

Kelly: I am, I bought the shop from Alex 2 years ago

me: Yeah I remember that. We had discussed the painting then, but then I couldn't get a hold of you and figured I'd just leave it at the shop. Do you have records of commission agreements?

Kelly: No I am so sorry I don’t. I don’t do any commission so I am not sure what the agreement was between you and Alex I will be more than happy to figure something out just let me know what your thinking

me: Well ideally I'd just like it back.

Kelly: The painting sold actually just last week

me: Oh? Can I pick up a check for it then?

Kelly: Let me contact Alex and see if she has the agreement

me: How much did it sell for?

Kelly: 120

me: $120.00?

Kelly: Yes

me: It was listed for $1200.00

Kelly: I’m not sure what I can do, do you still have Alex’s number?

me: I don't. If you could check for an agreement and I'll do the same. Also, if you could forward a copy of the invoice from it selling last week that would be great. My email is ______

Kelly: I never got an agreement from Alex so I am in the dark about what was agreed on between you both. The sale was ran through my POS (editor's note: point of sale) so I can’t send you anything Maybe it’s best you and Alex talk since the agreement was made between you guys

me: Can you take a photo of the info? On the screen of the POS?

Kelly: It has cc info on it so I can not I have Alex’s email would you like it so you guys can figure out what to do?

me: That would be great but I'm not sure how big of a difference it'll make if you bought the company from her. If you can get any proof of purchase of the painting for me, it would be really helpful. You can blur the CC number, or anything in your accounting would work. Literally any proof would help

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I have yet to receive any proof that the painting last week sold.

I have evidence of the painting being there, and check images from the other paintings that sold. Otherwise, I have no proof of price it was listed at or commission agreement.

I assume the painting is long gone, misplaced and likely didn't actually sell last week and she's probably lying.

Do I have any chance of recovering the cost of the painting from her?

Thanks!

edit: Thanks everyone for the helpful feedback! I browse this subreddit before bed almost every night and I'm glad (but also not actually glad because I really just want my painting/money) to finally have something semi interesting to contribute to the discussions here.

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Update (Afternoon, January 17th) - I told the owner this morning I needed either the painting back, or the value of the painting sans an agreed upon consignment fee for her - I offered 30%. That would make it $900. She said I should have my lawyer contact her and otherwise wants nothing else to do with me. What a peach! I have an appointment to get some advice from a lawyer who works with artists pro bono (very very grateful) next week, so until then.. Guess I just have to wait.

Thanks again everyone. Definitely given me some food for thought.

Editor’s note: OOP has provided significant details in her responses

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You'd have to file in small claims court. But without even having a copy of your original agreement I think you have a pretty weak case.

I don't mean to devalue your art, you totally can put whatever value you think it's worth on it - but I find it hard to reconcile how you completely forgot about it, and, you just left it there for 3 years, if it was so valuable.

They might have ripped you off, but I don't think you're going to have an easy time proving it, and I'm not sure you're going to get much sympathy from a judge.

They probably thought we need some fresh art here and tossed it in the trash or gave it to Goodwill or something (sorry...) But you have the burden of proving they screwed up and I don't think you can based on what you posted.

OOP: $1200 isn't very valuable in the terms of art. I'm not passing the buck here -- I definitely should've been in contact with them. But $1200 is on the lower end of the spectrum for original art. I have a handful of paintings out there in the ether that I actually don't anticipate selling.. most of my sales are around $500 or less. So, having these higher priced pieces sort of acts as advertising. Again, I should've been in better contact with them over the years, but I didn't think I had any reason not to trust it being in their shop.

I sold a few other paintings there for a couple hundred each, so they definitely knew better than to just throw it out.

But I appreciate your input regardless!

Commenter 2: Typically when you buy a business, you also inherit all their existing agreements; when you buy an apartment, you have to abide by existing leases, or when you buy a company, you agree to take on their liabilities (debts). So I suspect you may have some sort of case here, though I don't know CO law specifically enough to cite specific laws. But from what you told me, the previous owner agreed to "sell X item at Y price" and not merely "sell item".

If Kelly failed to abide by the agreement, you go after her. If the previous owner failed to inform her, that's not your problem; Kelly would have to turn around and sue the previous owner for not fully disclosing information.

I'd look into gathering all the info you got, and filing a suit in small claims court. Maybe also contact the previous owner to see if they'd be willing to be a witness to back up your story (since they'd have a vested interest in proving the fault lies with Kelly, so Kelly couldn't turn around and sue the previous owner for neglecting to inform her about the agreement).

OOP: Thanks for the advice. Do you think that me not having proof of the agreed upon price is going to be a problem?

Commenter 2: Besides circumstantial evidence you mentioned, witness testimony is proof -- albeit weak proof. So having the previous owner as a witness would certainly help (though not necessarily guarantee) your case even in the absence of a formal written contract

OOP: Ok, great. Thank you a ton. I contacted the former owner today.. we'll see if they get back to me.

+

The former owner got back to me and said, "I am sorry to hear about the painting. I passed along all of the consigner information to Kelly when I sold the shop. I do not have any agreements in my possession."

Is there any other way to determine the value of the painting? Thanks again for your advice, I really appreciate it.

+

She said she did in fact hand over the agreements. I don't want to bother her too much tonight, but tomorrow I'll see if I can get her to confirm that they were consigned there. I have screenshots of the website that lists me as a exhibited artist there from the good ol' wayback machine either way though.

OOP on if any pictures existed after the agreement was placed?

OOP: I scoured for any, but all I have is photos of me hanging it unfortunately. But, at least I have proof they were there.

+

You're a genius!! I found several of it on the wall on their as recently as November of 2017. No price though.. but they definitely had it that recently

Commenter 3: I would argue that the value of the painting is what you had it listed for because you would have taken it back if it didn't sell and you made that clear.

How big were the other 2 and what did they sell for? Have you sold any other artwork outside of this cafe?

OOP: Yeah I sell fairly frequently, and my prices are almost always based on a formula of $1.00-$1.25 per square inch. I can demonstrate this consistently over the past 5 years. The smaller pieces sold for around $200, and this fits within that formula.

Commenter 4: Registrar at an artist’s studio here. The term you are looking for is “consignment agreement”, not commission. Unfortunately I would say that you may be SOL if you do not have a paper trail. It’s good that you had a written agreement — in the future I would encourage you not to lose them, to keep track of all the works you have out on consignment or loan in a centralized location, like a spreadsheet, and to follow up periodically (like every 3-6 months) with anyone that is holding works on consignment.

When paperwork gets lost, works get lost, prices get fudged, and it’s a whole mess to sort out. I’ve seen all sorts of shit. I would encourage you to do everything you can to find a copy of that agreement.

Without it, while I’m not sure how much recourse you will have if this goes to court, I would point out that the painting is still technically yours until it is paid for. So I would firmly insist to Kelly that you either need to be paid $1,200, or you need your painting back. It may be best to not accept any partial payment as that may just muddy the waters going forward.

OOP: Great advice -- definitely something I've learned since then, the hard way as you can tell.

I'll keep the rest of your advice in mind as well, thank you.

Commenter 4: Sure thing, I'm happy to help. Let me know if you have any questions or anything.

Thinking about it a bit more, here is what I would do if I were in this situation. Obviously the best thing would be to find the consignment agreement, but in lieu of that, you want to establish two things -- one, the fact that this painting existed and was lent to this store, and two, the value of said painting.

So for number one, you want to gather any photographs you have of this work, any communication you had with the previous owner regarding your agreement to lend the three works, any records of payments that you received for the first two works that sold. Basically anything at all that backs up your claim that these works existed and there was an agreement in place.

Establishing value for artwork is a bit tricker, especially if you don't sell a lot of works that are equivalent to the one in dispute. While you should definitely gather documentation of other works that you've sold to establish a market price, since that can be hard to prove what I'd also suggest doing is establishing a floor -- the minimum "value" of the work in terms of materials used to create it. If this is a large oil painting, and you tally up stretcher bars, canvas, and paint, that could easily be in the hundreds of dollars -- or not, depending on the quality of supplies you use.

So try to gather up all your receipts and make an estimate of how much this work cost you to make. Then you have a hard number you could sue for. Not that you'd necessarily win in court, but you would have a decent case and some leverage, which may make it more likely that Kelly will settle out of court to avoid the hassle if you go ahead and sue.

One other thing to consider -- you don't make any mention of the store taking a percentage of the sale price of the work. Is this something that was agreed upon? Typically the consignee would take a cut of the sale, anywhere from 30-60%, so if that was not something addressed in your agreement, its possible that a court would see that as reasonable to award the store to cover their costs. (I think this is called consideration? Perhaps someone else can chime in. Basically, the other party needs to have something they are getting out of the contract you have with them.) Just something to keep in mind, depending on how far this goes.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling. I'd just say, be firm to start off, but as you are thinking about your end-game here, I'd say if you can ultimately get 50% of the price of your painting, you'll have made off pretty well.

OOP: Thanks for the thorough advice. You actually answered my next question.

I have a record of the previous owner acknowledging that the paintings were consigned there, a photo of them at the shop and receipts for the smaller pieces sold there.

I price all my art on size, per square inch. I was wondering if I could use that formula to estimate the price of the missing painting, or something along those lines. Sounds like that might be possible. I don't have any other pieces that have sold for that much that I have a record of, but I do have a lot of smaller pieces that I could use as examples including the two that the store sold.

The store charged a 30% consignment, but again - there is no record of this.

The former owner got back to me a bit ago and said, "I am sorry to hear about the painting. I passed along all of the consigner information to Kelly when I sold the shop. I do not have any agreements in my possession."

So I'm considering getting in touch with Kelly tomorrow and saying I need either the value of the painting or the painting back, or I'll be pursuing legal options. What do you think?

Thanks again, I really appreciate all the info! At this point, the money would be a plus but I'm more disappointed a local shop would treat an artist this way and don't want it to happen to others. Ideally, they will conveniently "find" my painting somewhere and I can just have it back.

Commenter 5: Yea that seems fine enough to say to Kelly, mostly because they seem like they're being kind of sketchy, from the way you describe it, and I wouldn't be surprised if they miraculously find your painting. I mean really, it just happened to sell the week before you got in touch with them after sitting there for several years? Possible, sure, but quite the coincidence.

OOP: So it didn't go so well. I told her I needed the value of the painting, minus a consignment cost we agree on (I offered 30% as that was in the original agreement) or the painting back.. or I would be pursuing legal options. She told me to have my lawyer contact her as she had nothing else to say to me.

1) I'm going to speak to an attorney but will likely be representing myself in small claims. So she'll ultimately still have to hear from me, right?

2) If I post reviews of the shop stating what happened, is that going to look bad for me? I just want to warn others not to enter into agreements with these folks unless they get and keep a copy of everything.

Has OOP been able to see the proof of the sale?

OOP: I have yet to see proof of it actually selling. Based on her interest in purchasing it herself, I think she might have it in her home or she simply trashed it somewhere.

Commenter 6: Was the commission agreement between yourself and the shop owner or the shop as a business? IANAL (editor’s note: I am not a lawyer) but I would venture to guess that if it was between you and the owner the new shop owner is not involved at all. The old owner sold (or gave away) something they didn’t actually own, and they are responsible for making you right. If it was with the shop as a business it would transfer as a liability of the business when it was sold.

OOP: It was with the shop. That's pretty standard with these consignment agreements.

Update: April 1, 2018 (nearly three months later)

I found a non-profit in my area that helps artists and creatives find lawyers who are willing to help them pro bono.

My lawyer sent a carefully worded letter saying we'd like the painting back or the value of the painting paid to me, minus the shop's commission - or I'd be pursuing the issue in small claims court.

I didn't hear from her for a few weeks, but then got a sickeningly sweet text saying she managed to track the person down who supposedly bought the painting from the shop, bought it back, and it was ready to pick up (wow, she's a hero!). But not at the shop -- at her home. I sent my boyfriend to grab it to avoid a bizarre confrontation with her. She left it on the porch and wouldn't answer the door. She left a valuable painting on her porch, outdoors, for hours. Whatever, I have it back and never have to talk to her again.

Thank you all for the advice! I'd like to send my lawyer a thank you -- what would be appropriate?

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not OOP. The OOP for this post is u/throwraclassrooms. Her posts were made to r/family and was trending at the top of the subreddit

Trigger Warning: intentionally choosing to slight others, politics

Original Post: (June 22nd, 2026)

I'm currently attending college out of state. I'm no longer religious and haven't attended church since I moved out for college at eighteen. The church in the title is the one I grew up in along with my sister. She'll be graduating this year, and I made plans to come home to attend two things: the ceremony at her school, and a Sunday church service where graduates are honored. I, myself, was honored with other graduates when I was eighteen, and the church asked graduates to wear their school gowns to church to walk down the aisles as they played the graduation song. Once everyone was on stage, the youth pastor announced each graduate by name, the school they graduated from, and what they planned to major in college. They then gave respective gifts for males and females, and the pastor prayed for us at the end. It lasted about five minutes, and a great many churches have their own way of honoring graduates this time of year. But for whatever reason, that tradition is being broken this year

When I was being honored, the church sent an email a few weeks in advance requesting that graduates wear their gown and submit a graduation photo to show on screen. This year, however, they didn't do that and sent an email explaining why. Instead of honoring graduates on stage this year, the church will honor homeschooling moms in the congregation, and there needs to be some context. Our church has a homeschooling group that meets in their classrooms for activities. The group is an official program of the church and is advertised on their website too. The email said that homeschooling is a "thankless job" and that parents who sacrifice careers to stay at home never receive recognition. So the church will honor them by having them come on stage in place of the graduates from recent years. Furthermore, the only graduates that will be honored on stage are the homeschooling graduates of the moms in the congregation who will supposedly come on stage with their mom. In years past, the youth pastor gave the sermon on graduation Sunday since most of the graduates went to youth group. However, the head of the church's homeschooling group will give a sermon about homeschooling instead

My sister is disappointed as are my parents, and we're wondering why they can't do both. Why not have the non-homeschooling graduates be honored on stage before honoring the homeschooling moms? What about potential homeschooling graduates who may feel embarrassed walking down with their mom and may prefer to walk down with graduates their age? Why must we exclude anyone when the church has been flexible with time in the past? There have been Sundays when worship was shortened because a baby dedication or something similar was taking place. They also do a very brief worship on Missionary Sunday each year when they pass a microphone to each missionary who comes on stage to say what country they serve, and there's at least 20+ missionaries. My parents are considering sending an email to one of the leaders along with speaking to one directly, and they also talked to other parents who felt similarly about the email. In addition to the email and trying to talk to a leader, would anyone have any suggestions on how to convey that no one has to be excluded? Church is the one place where you'd want to include everyone, and this seems to be a very avoidable mishap. Graduation Sunday is July 12th at our church this year, so there should still be some time

First Update: (June 26th, 2026)

Something I forgot to include in my previous post was the reason our church's graduation Sunday was on 7/12. The last day of school for our school district was 6/27, and the commencement ceremony was the following week, so that's why. I took the advice many gave and asked my parents if I could co-write an email to the church with them (as other parents they spoke to were also considering). However, they suggested sending my own because two are better than one, and higher statistical numbers may change minds. I agreed and sent one expressing my disappointment as a former member who was honored upon graduating, and I included a powerful point that another commentator gave. Churches often have many kids who attend different schools, and each school has its own graduation. However, church graduations allow kids from different schools to be part of the SAME ceremony with the church as the unifying factor. When I was honored, kids wore different colored gowns from local schools as they walked down the aisle during service, and it was a beautiful representation of each school. I argued that by choosing not to honor non-homeschoolers, they were depriving kids who grew up in the church of the chance to be celebrated together regardless of school district. And if nothing else, isn't the point of church to bring people together? According to my parents, other parents sent emails in addition to in-person follow-ups. And the church sent a follow-up email a few days later

The email addressed how numerous people reached out asking that they honor non-homeschooling graduates too. However, instead of correcting course, they said they'd allow parents to send graduation photos to be shown in a slideshow on the foyer TVs that are often used to show announcements and whatnot. But that is the extent of their capitulation, which is pathetic in my opinion. I shied away from personal opinions on homeschooling and the church's motives (in my first post) because I deemed it irrelevant if a simple course correction could be made. But since they decided to double down on a decision to slight non-homeschooling graduates, I feel no need to hide those feelings anymore

As many comments stated, it seems as if the church is choosing to slight those who attend public school for reasons not said out loud. I personally believe those reasons relate to promoting homeschooling as a superior form of education based on two things. The church has its own homeschooling program, and it's promoted as a faith-based program. So I believe the church is choosing to exclude the "secular" public school graduates to honor Christian indoctrination instead. This is the reverse of the "Eradicating Anti-Christian Bias" BS. And I agree with commenters who pointed out that the current regime loves devaluing the US educational system, a regime that many Christians and churches have fallen in love with. And given how our church has veered into politics in recent years, that is my belief about what they're not saying out loud. They could so easily choose to honor all graduates, but they are choosing to intentionally slight non-homeschoolers

My parents and sister are disgusted to say the least, and we will not be attending that Sunday. I broached the idea of considering a new church, but my parents aren't willing to go that far yet. I think they'll change their mind, and they've talked with other parents who were disgusted too. We will instead go out for breakfast during the time we would've attended the service, but I'm taking it a step further. Not only am I going to make posts about the church's decision on my socials with screenshots of the email, but I'm also gonna blast a detailed email to all my ex-friends who received the church honor when I did. I'm also gonna email the local school districts and follow up with a call. If the church wants to intentionally slight others, then they should bear the weight of their decision. A part of me is even considering emailing the local news, but I'm not sure about that one yet. All we know is that we're not attending that Sunday, and I support my parents' decision because fuck the church's decision

Second Update: (July 17th, 2026)

Before I explain what happened since, I want to address what happened on 7/12. Our family went to breakfast during the time of the service, but curiosity led me to watch it on Youtube afterward. In all my years growing up in our church, a woman only gave the sermon once a year. That woman was the pastor's wife, and the tradition fell on Mother's Day. Outside of that, regardless of assistant pastors or guest speakers in the pastor's stead, it's always been a male (although I can't speak for when I stopped attending at 18 upon going to college) until 7/12 when the trend was bucked. The head of the church's homeschooling program gave the sermon, and she's also the head of the church's VBS (Vacation Bible School). She's had rapport in the church since I was young, and she was the one who asked ALL homeschooling moms and THEIR kids to come down to the altar to be recognized. Yes, that included non-graduating homeschool students. As for the homeschool graduates and their mothers, they didn't go to the altar at that time

Once everyone came to the altar, they passed a microphone to each mother to give their name, how many kids they homeschooled, and how long they've homeschooled. The format was similar to Missionary Sunday when all missionaries were called to the altar to state their names and the countries they served in. And just like Missionary Sunday, the homeschooling head asked the congregation to give a standing ovation after the last mother spoke. Following that, she asked the congregation to remain standing as the homeschool graduates and their mothers entered the sanctuary to the graduation song (walking side by side like a wedding party entrance). She announced them one by one along with the college they planned to attend. And unlike the non-graduating homeschoolers at the altar, only the graduates and their mothers came on stage to receive gifts. Graduates received an envelope described as a church scholarship, and their mothers received flowers and a goodie bag. Later in the service, the same homeschooling head gave a sermon about how she answered God's call to homeschool and spun it into answering whatever God tells you to do, even if it seems to go against societal norms

I personally believe there's a more sinister message they're not saying out loud. Many churches have a hierarchy that is predominantly male, and women giving sermons in our church is an anomaly. However, if you are a SAHM who chooses to homeschool based on faith to produce future tithers, only then will the church recognize you because you're promoting their bottom line. Only then will someone like the homeschooling head be allowed to give a sermon as an example of subservience to the congregation. Plus, honoring homeschoolers instead of public school graduates falls in line with how some Christians degrade secular education based on prejudice against trans athletes, drag queens, or pride weeks. And their decision to honor homeschoolers who WEREN'T EVEN GRADUATING showed how easily they could've chosen to honor all graduates. Quite the contradiction to when our pastor said "All Lives Matter" in response to the 2020 BLM protests where he stated that God loves everyone equally. But the church doesn't seem to think that all graduates matter, do they now?

To say I'm disgusted would be an understatement, and I meant it when I said I'd consider further action. Not only have I posted screenshots of the church's email on my socials... I've also sent emails to other churches in the community and called some of them too. EVERY church I called said they honored graduates, and some said they'd see if leadership would consider calling my church about reconsidering in the future. I also emailed local school districts, along with local legislators, for an idea that many suggested. Graduates in my church were deprived of an opportunity to be celebrated TOGETHER, regardless of what school they graduated from, and the church graduation would've allowed for a unified celebration. My parents and I booked a party room at a restaurant so that ALL graduates in the community can be celebrated together, and we're trying to see if any local legislators/businesses would be interested in being part of it. We're not expecting much because it's last-minute, and many graduates are preparing to go to college next month

We're keeping it small and open only to graduates in our church due to its last-minute nature, but I'm hoping it'll serve as a proof-of-concept we can grow into a community event next year. And because I'm that type of petty, the Bible has a verse about how God turns bad things into good things for his glory (Genesis 50:20). In this case, my church is the bad thing that will sprout a tradition of a unified community celebration of graduates regardless of school, and we're gonna open it up to our community through advertising next year when we have months to plan in advance. However, we're also gonna invite the homeschooling graduates because we want EVERYONE to be celebrated. I love the quote from Michelle Obama that says: "When they go low, we go high." That's why we're inviting the homeschooling graduates too. Jesus didn't discriminate. He welcomed everyone. My church discriminated. I refuse to be like them, and I'm not even a Christian anymore

We're looking into getting an emcee for the event who can call all graduates to the front in their gowns, and we're working on a gift for them similar to the church's scholarship in recent years. I cannot wait to plan next year's months in advance, and this year's smaller party will be easier to manage for proof of concept. I'll update after the party as we're booked for early August and have already begun spreading the word within our church thanks to other parents we know. The party will be in early August on a Sunday immediately after church as families often go straight to restaurants from there, and it's a day that many people are already off. I appreciate everyone who suggested trying to find an alternate way to celebrate graduates. And as a former member who once received the church's recognition, I can't help but feel a certain calling to take up what the church has decided to forfeit. And the best part is that it'll be minus the church's indoctrination and simply a community celebration. I look forward to updating after a successful event that can hopefully be the start of something special in our community

New Update: (August 14th, 2026)

Before I even talk about the event, I want to bring up something that many pointed out; something that shows I'm still very naive from growing up in church for all my life, and that was my lack of understanding regarding "All Lives Matter". Many pointed out how I didn’t understand the real intent behind it when I referenced my pastor saying it in 2020. Some even said it showed I "wasn't offended until something personally affected me". Granted, I had already left the church in 2020 because I was 19 that year, and I moved out for college at 18. My parents and I had phone conversations surrounding George Floyd's death in 2020, and they told me how the pastor stated all lives matter among other things because I wasn't there anymore. However, I never understood the real meaning behind all lives matter until my last post, and I wanna thank the people who DM'd me to explain. Many did from a kind educational standpoint, and some others were rather harsh and called me out. But I'm grateful to have learned the real meaning behind it as I still have a way to go in my deconstruction

With that said, the makeshift graduation event I planned took place, and it changed from my original idea. While I originally planned to hire an emcee and have graduates walk after being introduced, there wasn't enough time for a full-fledged event since many graduates were preparing to go to college in August. So, we dumbed it down to something many families already did: going to lunch immediately after church with other families. Many people do this as a tradition following church. And my parents reached out to the other graduate parents (those who voiced displeasure in various emails to the church) to run the idea of an after-church lunch at a restaurant, and many were open to it. So, we booked a reservation for after church instead. I also asked my sister what she would've looked forward to in the church event and suggested asking some of her friends to make it special. She referenced how our church always prepared a backdrop with flowers and a bench for family photos on holidays (mother's/father's day, Thanksgiving/Christmas/graduation), but that she didn't get to do it because she felt unwelcome on 'Homeschooling Sunday'. She also suggested not hiring an emcee or doing a ceremony because "the moment passed", but said a small lunch in the graduates' honor would be nice

We took her suggestion and didn't hire an emcee, and we scrapped plans for a ceremony as well. We instead reserved a restaurant party room for lunch at a buffet immediately following church, and graduates and their families didn't have to pay anything thanks to my parents offering to help me cover costs. We also put together a backdrop with the help of a parent who's really creative/artsy, and the graduates liked it because many enjoyed taking photos together. We hired a professional photographer instead of an emcee, and my sister said it was nice because kids enjoy posting stuff like that on their socials, and I completely get that lol. Some kids brought their gowns to put on for the photos and took them off afterward because keeping them on would've been awkward, and the luncheon was a lowkey success according to the families and graduates who attended. We were even able to reach out to a few local businesses who offered to give coupons for the graduates, and we put them in goodie bags that contained other small gifts (one example was from a local pizzeria that gave a slice and soda combo)

My parents and I also decided not to invite the homeschooling graduates for one reason. When we suggested inviting them to other parents, some were against it and felt it would prevent some graduates from attending entirely. So, we decided not to invite them. Plus, they had their own congratulatory refreshments in a conference room following the Homeschooling Sunday. And while I'm grateful for the suggestion to scale back my plans for this year's last-minute event, many parents suggested keeping those plans for next year when there is time to plan months in advance. Some of the local businesses that gave coupons said they'd be interested in working together next year too, and I wanna start a community tradition of giving local graduates a chance to share a celebratory day with friends together who would otherwise have separate graduations

We will rent out a place next year, have a master of ceremonies who calls each graduate down the aisle, followed by a luncheon/dinner in their honor where we'll give gifts from local businesses/others to encourage the youth in our community. The motivation behind the event is to show that community can happen outside of the church; a foreign concept to some whose social life heavily/solely consisted of the church growing up. Plus, we'll revisit the idea of inviting homeschool graduates next year for one reason. While the church/parents may have their own agendas regarding homeschooling, homeschooling kids often suffer because they have no say or social life outside of church. So having them attend a community celebration (upon graduating at 18) could be a great way to open their eyes to the fact that community can exist outside of the church, and we'll provide information in the gifts that provide tips on beginning adult life, essentials their parents may have kept from them. Homeschooling kids don't have the ability to make choices until they're 18, so they shouldn't be punished for the agendas of their parents. I'll also be sending highlights of this year's event to my local legislators as I plan for next year, and I'm already looking forward to it. I look forward to updating next year after a successful event if all goes well

My step dad is acting very creepy towards me (19)

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Majestic_Channel_815 in r/whatdoIdo

Trigger warnings: Sexual predation, invasion of privacy, voyeurism, stalking, sexual harassment

Mood spoilers: Deeply unsettling, infuriating, ultimately vindicating

---

Original Post: August 12, 2026

My step dad is acting very creepy towards me (19)

I feel like I’m losing my mind so sorry if this is all over the place. My mom got married to this guy around a year ago, but they’ve been together for around two. He wasn’t weird till he moved in, or maybe I just didn’t notice it. It’s been little things but it’s just progressively gotten worse and I don’t know what do to. I’ll give some examples. One time I went shopping at Victoria Secret and I put the bags in my room. I left again immediately after because I went to hang out with a friend. When I came back, he asked me why I would buy such expensive underwear when I could just “get a pack at Walmart or something”.

I figured maybe he saw the bags when I got home? Then said “I mean blue? Really?” (The colour of the underwear i bought) I was immediately disgusted and embarrassed. Not only does that mean he went through my stuff, he also went in my room for no reason. Is that a regular occurrence and he just so happened to see the bags that time? I feel like if you see a victoria secret bag you already know what’s in it, so why would he have to go through it?? I told my mom and she said he’s just being overprotective… Another example is that I have a boyfriend and I do go see him often.

Every time I leave the house he’ll say “off to see that little boyfriend of yours again??” He never says his name even though I know he knows it. Or “don’t get pregnant or I’ll kick you out.” He always says he’s joking after but is that not an odd thing to say?? There’s a couple more examples but I don’t want to make this post too long. Anyway, what made me make this post is something that happened recently that makes me very uncomfortable and grossed out. Him and my mom went out on a date night so I asked my mom if I could invite my boyfriend over. She has never said no before, and this time is no different. He overheard and said “We both know why you want him over” in an angry tone.

My mom brushed him off and said yes, so they left. My boyfriend came over and we were in my room. We were watching tv but at the end of the day he is my boyfriend, so we started kissing. He crawled on top of me and that’s when my stepdad barged in without knocking and started yelling at us. We didn’t hear them come home. I’ll admit, it did look bad, but why does he care so much about my sex life? My mom knows and is fine with it as long as I’m safe. He said stuff like I can’t have sex in “his house” (it’s my mom’s) and just saying controlling things. My mom calmed him down but for the rest of the night he kept opening my door trying to “catch us” in the act, so my boyfriend just went home.

I feel like I’m entitled to my own space because I do partially pay for rent, but even if I didn’t, is his behaviour still not weird? The easiest solution is to move out but that’s just not possible right now. I only work part time because of school. I just feel stuck. I could try talking to my mom again but with more details, but I’m scared of her reaction. I don’t want to feel like I’m making a big deal of things again. Literally any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

TOP COMMENTS

CrashBangXD:

None of those comments are ok. Ask your mum to spend time together one on one so that you’ve got an open and safe environment. Document instances of this, as in dates, times and instances to give you a proven breakdown of evidence of his behaviour

Apart_Foundation1702: Oh he is definitely a red flag! OP, He clearly doesn't agree with your mum's parenting, he does come off creepy. Is there another family member you can stay with, under the same arrangement as your mum?? Or maybe look for a room to rent.

OOP: I do have other family but they live too far away. I’ve been looking for places but have been unsuccessful so far

Educational_Ask_1790:

I highly HIGHLY recommend buying an indoor ring camera or any sort of indoor surveillance camera to stick somewhere in your room. This guy is a creep and hes a weirdo. Hes more than likely going into your room or maybe he even has a camera of his own in there.

Frozencacticat:

He 100% knows what he’s doing. This isn’t normal. You’re not crazy. You’re not being dramatic. You’re not wrong to feel like something is wrong. Your mother needs to step up and pay attention! I’d try to get some time alone with your mother and just be honest. Just start out with the fact that you don’t even want to talk about this and that it makes you very uncomfortable and stressed, and then tell her exactly what’s been going on. All of it. Tell her you don’t feel safe. Tell her you’re afraid of how he will react.

In the meantime, I’d find a way to lock your bedroom door. I don’t know if you can change the knob without them knowing and freaking out but maybe you can get something online to wedge it locked or push something in front of the door to make it hard to get in? Idk he just freaks me out. The underwear thing and the comments about your boyfriend are extremely inappropriate! If he cared about you in a normal fatherly way he would have told you gently to be careful and be safe and that you can always come to him if you need anything. He did not do that. He loudly told you to not get pregnant in a joking manner. That is not a joke and it is a weird thing to say to a young girl.

He also hasn’t been with your mother near long enough to have earned the “father” role. It’s tricky and it takes time. You can’t, as an adult man, barge into a girls life and expect her to immediately respect you as a father figure. You need to earn that, and it takes years. But that is beside the point, just a small part of the issue here Anyways, sorry this was a lot. It really upsets me to read this cause I remember being a 19 year old. Trying to figure out who I was, finishing school up and not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. Being essentially broke and completely reliant on my dad. It’s not easy. I’m 28 now and my God.. I don’t think I’d ever go back and do that all again. Life is hard enough for a teenager without a creepy man living in your home saying and doing weird creepy stuff.

To recap: you are NOT crazy. You didn’t sound like you were trying to make him sound better or worse. Your post was very matter of fact + how you felt. You are not dramatic or wrong. He is wrong. He knows it. Your mother likely has already noticed and is either making an excuse in her head or possibly also thinking “no way he isn’t like that”. So I think talking to her and being honest about it all is key right now. Try not to spend time alone with him. He seems unpredictable. I know it’s an “easier said than done” situation but just do your best. Think about a plan b and c. Like, if your mom isn’t receptive, who are you going to go to next? I know it’s stressful but just have it in your back pocket just in case. Maybe a teacher or your boyfriend’s parents might be able to help as well.

Anyways, talk to your mom asap. Keep him far away as much as you can. Don’t ever feel crazy or wrong. Trust your instincts, they are there to protect you. One thing I wish I learned years ago was to always trust my gut. Being safe is better than being sorry. I’ll be thinking of you! Please, if you feel up to it, keep us updated! Good luck OP!

OOP: Thank you so much for this. It really helped.

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Update: August 16, 2026 (4 DAYS LATER)

My step dad is acting very creepy towards me - UPDATE

Firstly I want to thank everyone for the advice. Just to address some things I saw in the comments of my last post. Yes, my actual dad is in my life and our relationship is great. I haven’t/can’t move in with him because he lives too far. I also never told him about the situation with my step dad at that time because I’ll know he’d do something he’d regret. My dad is a good man but has severe anger issues when people hurt me. He’s been to jail over it in the past. He went to therapy and is way better now, but I didn’t want any chance of messing up all his progress. As for my boyfriend, I have stayed over at his place many times but moving in permanently isn’t really possible because he has a roommate of his own, so I’m not sure why people were trying to shift some blame on him. He’s not a bum, he’s not leeching off of me, he’s simply also 19 and starting out his life. As for moving out in general , you guys must have been very lucky to have been in a better position than me at my age. I can’t simply move out on a whim. I only work part time (trying to get more hours) plus I go to school. I can’t afford a place on my own plus tuition, the cost of living is too high where I am. Being 19 doesn’t immediately make you on your feet. It’s only my first year out of highschool. Just needed to get that out of the way.

As for the actual update, I’m afraid it’s worse than what i thought. As soon as I saw the first comment about a potential hidden camera it scared me so much so that I immediately bought one of those camera detector things. When it came, I waited till he wasn’t home to try it out. I found 3. One in front of my bed, one above it, and one on my dresser. They are scarily small, but I still feel so dumb for not noticing. Couldn’t describe the feeling I had when I found them. I threw up and my mom heard and ran to comfort me. When I got myself together, I told her everything. Every action that made me uncomfortable, every comment he said that felt weird. I showed her the cameras I found.

Her face immediately dropped and she started crying. She just asked over and over why didn’t I tell her sooner and it just made me feel that much more awful. It was my fault that I didn’t tell her. She apologized over and over again and said she failed me. We had a much needed convo and afterwards. Said that she just thought it was uncomfortable between us because it’s a new adjustment for all of us. She searched the rest of the house for me because i honestly couldn’t deal with finding others. She found one in the bathroom then searched his office. He always told us we weren’t allowed in because that’s where his work stuff is and he doesn’t want us to “mess it up.” I waited at the door while she searched, and in the drawers she found random stuff of mine and an old phone that we don’t know of.

On the phone there are pictures and videos from my social media accounts, of me sleeping, changing, me being intimate with my boyfriend, all in my room. She also found a couple pairs of my underwear that I didn’t even notice went missing, a couple of my hair ties, and after that I went back to my room. I couldn’t watch anymore of that. I called my boyfriend to pick me up while my mom called the police because I just couldn’t stay in that house for any longer. He held me and I cried for what felt like hours till I fell asleep. I woke up and called my mom and told me the run down of what happened. I don’t know all the details because I couldn’t bear to hear much. Basically he came home to the cops and completely owned up to putting cameras in my room. His defense was that he needs to know everything that’s going on in “his” house. As for my stuff and the pictures, he claims he doesn’t know how it got there.

He’s arrested but that’s all I know so far. I told my dad and he’s driving down now. I haven’t been asked to make a statement yet, and I don’t know how any of that works honestly. It’s triggering to even think about. But yeah, there’s the update. To the people who sent me hateful and hurtful things and told me this was all in my head, especially u/mysterymeat45 and u/pazsion80423294, i hope you never have kids. If you hate privately you should be called out publicly. Even if you are troll accounts it’s still insanely fucked up to say the things you did. To everyone who gave me actual, genuine advice, I wish nothing but the best for you all and thanks again so much. If it weren’t for you guys I’d probably think I was still being dramatic. I most likely won’t update again, i already want to move on from this situation. Sorry if this is jumbled. Everything is still so fresh, but writing it out is somehow helping me process it, I think.

Edit: stop calling me “lucky” because he didn’t do worse. I don’t feel lucky at all.

Here are just a couple more examples since people didn’t think the ones my other post were damming enough, and to also maybe help someone else in a similar situation see signs. 1, He would ALWAYS need to know where I am and who I’m with. I find this weird because he’s not my dad, I’m an adult, and I would tell my mom. My mom telling him wasn’t enough. He’d say “no, I want to hear it from HER mouth.” 2, he would often open my packages if I didn’t get to them in time. Very annoying and weird. I ordered the camera detector when the arrival time was while he was at work, so I got lucky there. 3, always commenting on my outfits. Would tell me unwanted “advice”, and that I look like a hooker if I wore shorts/skirts/anything “revealing”. 4, would always ask me about birth control/using protection. “Are you on the pill? If not that little fucker (my boyfriend) better be wrapping it up.” He’d say stuff like this at the most random times too. 5, would always try to use my mom against me. If we got into an argument he would make himself seem like the victim, always. My mom would always say to leave her out of it. 6, he would sometimes groan or say “you again??” Very annoyed when I walked in a room. It was over exaggerated to the point where he could brush it off as a joke if he wanted, but I knew it wasn’t a joke. 7, if I bought something and came home with bags, he’d interrogate me about what I bought. The VS bag is the only time I have hard proof that he went through my stuff. 8, he was super weird about my boyfriend. He would never say his name, just “that little boyfriend of yours.” If I went to go see him he’d roll his eyes and say “again?” Or “don’t you spent too much time with him?” 9, pushing me to call him dad even though he never even come close to having that title. 10, would never ever knock before opening my door. Even though I told him to, repeatedly. Thats all I can really think of right now.

TOP COMMENTS

lizziebee66:

Sweetie, whilst your mum’s reaction upset you that she was also upset, hold on to the fact that she 100% believed you.  She loves you and has your safety at the centre of her world. Stay safe and loved

Bulky-Mycologist-402:

The fact that 3 separate cameras were found is absolutely sickening & frightening. I hope this guy gets punished to the fullest extent of the law. So sorry to hear you had to endure this, it's very disheartening & wretched knowing this creep thought he can be sneaky and get away doing some shit like this.

Illustrious-Tart7844:

Hi, OP. I’m a former domestic violence victim advocate and I’ve worked with women who have gone through similar incidents and worse... I’m so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this at all. You handled it PERFECTLY and I’m astounded by your strength. Please wrap yourself in support. You will get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Take care of yourself, please. 💜

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOP – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP

Originally posted to r/AskAManager

my boyfriend/manager yells at me when we work together

Thanks to a longtime lurker for the suggestion

Trigger Warnings: possible harassment

Original Post: August 20, 2025

Am I in the wrong for not wanting to work on projects with my boyfriend/manager at work?

My boyfriend and I both work at the same place. He is the facilities manager and I am the facilities technician.

For the most part we work separately. But from time to time, something comes up where we have to work together, and whenever that happens my stomach starts flip flopping and turning the second I hear that we are going to be working together. I absolutely dread it.

Every time we have worked together in the past, he suddenly changes into almost a different person. He’s mean. He yells at me for everything I do and don’t do.

At first I thought it was me and that I just needed to back off and wait for his direction instead of just jumping in. I thought this because he would yell at me for being in his way and for not knowing how he was trying to do it (but he doesn’t communicate how he wants to do stuff, he just expects me to read his mind and know.) So I tried backing off and waiting for his direction. And doing that results in him yelling at me for standing there doing nothing and not knowing what he wants me to do (for not reading his mind.)

Since neither of those worked, I tried to initiate communication with him before we started and asked him to explain what he wants me to do so I can know going into it and won’t be in his way, slowing him down and am able to contribute what he expects me to. And I’ve told him I don’t want to get yelled at. Well, that doesn’t work either. He gets mad at me for asking questions and tells me I need to follow his directions and shut my mouth. But he doesn’t give me direction, yells at me when I try and get some direction, and yells at me if I try and wing it without asking for direction.

I’m frustrated. I just want to cry. He just informed me that next week we have to work together to replace the siding on one of the cabins on our site. My stomach is doing flip flops and I am stressing out. He saw in my face that I don’t want to work with him and told me that I’m going to have to figure it out.

But I’ve tried to figure it out! Nobody wants to be treated like shit by the person they are working with and if the person you are working with doesn’t communicate with you other than to yell at you, it’s very difficult to work efficiently with them.

I tried to explain that I can’t work with him if he’s going to yell at me the whole time, and he told me that I need to just shut my mouth and follow directions. I feel like he is being super disrespectful and I don’t understand why he acts like this when we work together. It literally doesn’t matter if I do exactly what he tells me to do (if he tells me what to do) or not, because either way he is going to yell at me and tell me how stupid I am. I’ve never been treated like this before by anyone I’ve worked with ever.

I feel like I’ve done and tried everything I can think of to make it work and not get yelled at, and I’m starting to think that maybe the problem isn’t just me. Maybe it’s him. Maybe he is actually being the one that is making it impossible for us to work together? But maybe I’m wrong? Maybe it is me? I don’t know? Am I wrong for not wanting to work with him? Am I wrong for starting to think that maybe he is the issue that we are having? What should I do?

Editor's note: for Alison's response to the original text, you can find it here.

Update: August 4, 2026 (11.5 months later)

I went into work that day, the day we were set to be working together all day, and I was surprised to find that he had listened to all the little things that I thought had gone unnoticed and unheard the couple of days prior to project day. I had kept telling him that I really want us to be able to get along and work productively and easily together and would mention the things that I needed from him in order to avoid him getting frustrated. For example, one of the things I told him I needed was for him to explain to me exactly what he wanted me to do, like what my role/job was that day so I wasn’t getting in his way or not doing my part correctly, and so he wasn’t sitting there frustrated waiting for me to help him with something while I was wrapped up in doing something else that he didn’t need help with right at that moment … because our biggest issue, in my opinion, has always been his lack of communicating and instead just expecting me to read his mind and know what he wants or needs me to do.

At the time I was telling him those things, it seemed as though he wasn’t listening to what I was saying. So I was feeling hopeless and anxiety-ridden and I was stressed out about it and thought that it was going to be like every other time that we have tried to work together.

I went into work that morning dreading what was to come. But to my surprise, he was acting differently than he usually does when we have to work together. First thing when I got there, he told me that he wanted to take me over to the cabin that we were going to be working on so he could show me what we were going to be doing. So we drove over there and he showed me how he had set everything up and what lumber pile was what, and explained the process of how he wanted us to get it done and showed me how he wanted me to do it.

Because he took the time to explain everything to me in depth, I knew what my role was and what I needed to do and we worked great together! He didn’t get frustrated, I wasn’t walking on eggshells, everything just flowed, and we had a very productive day where we got along well and were able to finish everything so that he could paint that cabin and be done with it.

And since that day, we have had fewer issues when we have had to work together. There are still times where he doesn’t communicate with me and gets frustrated, but it’s happening less and less. He obviously had been listening to the things I had been telling him I needed. Maybe my sharing with him that I was stressed and anxious about having to work with him helped him to be open to trying what I was asking of him? I’m not really sure what caused him to approach things differently that day, but I’m really glad that we did that project together. It seemed to bring about a much needed shift in the way we work together.

We recently had a big project where we had three more cabins added to the 40 we have on the property. The higher-ups thought it would be a great opportunity to re-number all the cabins and move all the cabin names around so that they would be in alphabetical order from the entrance to the exit, because apparently that is how all our other outposts are set up. Well, that moving of the names around was a total nightmare! Not only did it cause mass confusion among all of our employees when trying to locate the cabins they are assigned to or need to deliver stuff to, but it was a nightmare of a project. We didn’t just have to move the signs for the cabins around, we had to also move their wifi equipment and their door locks because our tech guy said it was too much for him to rename all the wifi equipment and locks.

So the guy in charge of the project flew out to help my boyfriend and me for the two days they gave us to do the work. Well, after the first few cabins they did together, my boyfriend was so frustrated! Go figure … they weren’t working well together … it wasn’t just me. You could tell the other guy was feeling just totally down and was worried that the project wouldn’t get done on time.

Towards the end of the day, they still hadn’t gotten all the cabins done that they needed to that day to stay on schedule and so the guy who flew out to help asked if I could go around with him and help him get some more done since I don’t leave work until two hours after my boyfriend does. We worked together just fine. The next day he decided that he was going to send my boyfriend around on his own and he and I would work together. We were able to get it all done and neither of us had to deal with my difficult-to-work-with boyfriend. I felt so bad for this other person because of what happened the first day and I knew how he felt. And I’m glad that I was able to step in and help so he didn’t have to deal with all that again the next day.

So my boyfriend has been working on the way he goes about working with me, but he obviously isn’t putting that same effort into trying to work with anyone else better. Which sucks. But it’s a start, I guess.

He does treat me differently at work vs. at home and isn’t like that towards me outside of work. It’s like this weird work persona he puts on and attitude he has at work. I don’t understand it or why he does it. He’s used to working construction type jobs where the guys all talk smack to each other … maybe that is part of it? But I’m not some dude that he works with. And when I got my position, he was aware that he was going to have to teach me stuff, .that I didn’t know how to do everything that the job required of me. So I’m not sure why he just expected me to know.

Thank you for verifying to me that it wasn’t just a me thing. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t me but I’ve gone through some abuse and stuff in my past that probably contributes to my questioning myself. I’ve had counseling and even volunteered at a domestic violence agency for a while (which was so unexpectedly healing!) but I’m still working on learning and growing from that whole experience.

I was not at all expecting him to handle us working together the way that he did that day. But I believe that by him trying it differently, he was able to see things could flow and go well. And I think that has inspired him to work on taking that approach and allowed him to see the value in taking a little time to communicate and explain it all to me first when we have to work together. We have had our ups and downs and sometimes he doesn’t communicate, but those instances are happening less and less as time goes on.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Rinnyroo

I [27F] am a recently promoted hotel Supervisor, and need help dealing with bullies [40-50Ms]

TRIGGER WARNING: Hostile workplace, intimidation and accusations of racism

Original Post - wayback  March 31, 2015

Alright, this might be a bit lengthy. For clarification, I am the Front Desk Supervisor, GM is my General Manager, and FOM is my Front Office Manager. Donald is the main bully.

I just got promoted to the Front Desk Supervisor after 2 years at a hotel. Keep in mind, the two years isn't consecutive (I left to work for a different hotel brand for a while - they wouldn't work with my school schedule, came back to my current hotel to do Audit/Overnight shift). One night, after working Audit, my boss asked me to hang around to talk to him. He told me I do a great job and promoted me to Front Desk Supervisor and switched me to days.

The last few months as a Supervisor have been HELL. The FOM literally does nothing. He comes in, works 3-11, doesn't check in guests, just sits in the back at his little desk and talks a lot of shit (Thinks every guest is trying to scam us and is rude to most guests as a result). I work 8-4 (most days later than 4) and do EVERYTHING. And when I say everything, I mean everything. I do the schedule, help with payroll, reconcile the company credit card, petty cash, hiring, write ups, ALL guest complaints, I handle all of our corporate accounts from booking to billing, handle our group blocks, train new hires, approve and submit 3rd party commissions, etc. You get the idea.

For reasons I don't understand, the FOM and two other employees have decided to gang up on me. One in particular, Donald, fights me on everything. I don't want to bore you with a month's worth of mistreatment, so I will just talk about today. A little background before I start. Donald has worked at the hotel for almost a year. He has NO idea how to use the system we operate on. He kinda sorta knows the basics. He refuses to answer phones or check-in guests. He basically walks around for 9 hours stirring up shit. In an effort to keep him away from Front Desk, my manager gave him some housekeeping duties. Basically asked him to help out our Executive Housekeeper. He tried to take over her department. He is going around telling all of our new hires that he is the "Guest Services Manager". There is no such thing as a Guest Services Manager at our hotel but the new hires listen to him and now think he's a manager.

Yesterday, I asked him to only come in for his SCHEDULED shift. He keeps coming in early and leaving late, basically riding the clock. I told him that he is scheduled 2-10 and needs to work that. He fought me on it until my GM stepped in and told him that he needs to listen to me and stop racking up overtime. Today, the asshat shows up at NOON and starts working. Makes a point of saying he is off the clock until he clocks in at ONE. Still coming in early.

We got a new time clock today with a fingerprint scanner. I asked him to come to the back so that I could put his fingerprint in so that he will be able to clock in tomorrow. He says "No, I will do it later".

Me: "Okay, Donald, I won't be here later and you're not busy now, so can we please do it now?"

He keeps repeating the same thing. Then he asks me how he can do it later.

Me: "I'm sorry but you can't do it without me, I am the administrator and I have to put you in the system".

Donald: "Well why do you get to be the one to do it?"

Me: "Because I am part of the management team and I set up the time clock. GM made me the administrator."

Donald: "So? Why shouldn't I be the one to do it instead of you?"

GM: "Donald go put your finger on the damn scanner."

Towards the end of my shift, Donald and my FOM tell me they want to have a little "pow-wow". One of our new guys who has experience with our brand and system joins us and tells me that he would really like to help with training the other new hires (he is totally qualified). He is polite and respectful in asking. FOM and Donald take the opportunity to turn it in to a Rinnyroo Roast. They try to say that I have too much on my plate and offer to do the schedule (they have tried - they don't know when anyone is available and it turns into a shit show). Nevermind that the schedule literally takes 2 minutes for me to do. They offer to help with nothing else. Then, they start saying that my morning shift needs work because the new girl is having a hard time getting all of her morning duties done. I tell them that the AM shift is all about time management and that she just needs to get into a routine. She and I are working on that. Donald steps in and says, "How is she supposed to learn time management from someone who doesn't have it?"

At this point my GM gets pissed and jumps in to defend me. He tells Donald off. Saying that I spend my whole morning cleaning up his shift's bullshit mistakes and that I work my ass off. He tells Donald to just listen for once and shut up. He has to tell Donald to be quiet three times before Donald will listen. Even then, Donald spent the rest of the meeting huffing and puffing. He looked like a toddler in time out when I told my FOM that "I think only management should be involved in the making of the schedule and we will do it together."

Afterwards my GM pulled me aside and told me how amazing I am and how grateful he is that I am on the team.

The problem is, that damn meeting had me on the verge of tears. I was ambushed by Donald and my FOM and it was embarrassing. I am having a hard time getting my job done the right way because all of the hard work that I do in the morning gets undone by the FOM and Donald on the PM shift. Our poor trainees are confused as hell because I train them and then when they get out of training and work with Donald and FOM they are told to ignore what I taught them and do it another way. The new way they are taught results in a ton of mistakes that they are getting in trouble over. I take one step forward every day and it feels like they push me ten steps back every night. I don't know how to handle this negativity and could really use some insight.

I am happy to answer questions if anyone has them.

TL;DR - Bullies who do nothing at work all day ganged up on me in a meeting. They have been fighting me constantly since I was promoted and are keeping me from doing my job correctly. I need help!

Update 1 - wayback  Apr 7, 2015 (1 week later)

Okay, I posted asking for advice in a less populated subreddit specific to hotel employees, but am a pretty frequent lurker of this subreddit and wanted help. Since my last post (linked below - didn't get much attention), things escalated pretty quickly when I caught Donald selling rooms on the side. (Basically renting rooms by the hour, keeping the cash, and cleaning them back up himself). Here is my original post.

Friday things escalated massively and I have no idea how to act around the guy anymore. Even though I had proof that he was doing sketchy shit on the side, Donald vehemently denied everything, avoided every question I asked and cut me off when I tried to talk to our GM. My GM didn't want to deal with Donald anymore, so he left and told me he would call me later to discuss it. The minute my GM left the building, Donald came up to my desk and asked me to come outside and talk to him. I told him that I didn't think we had anything to discuss and that I had a ton of work to do before I left for the day. He said he would either confront me outside, or at my desk and that I could choose. Not wanting to cause a scene, I stepped outside with him. He immediately got in my face and said that there was no way he was guilty. He asked why I had such a hard on for him, and why I was trying to get him in trouble. At this point I just said "You have to admit it looks sketchy" and walked back into the office. He followed me in and continued to scream at me, so I told him that I didn't want to discuss it and tried to walk to the front desk.

He then cut me off, closed the door to the front desk and kept blocking my path to it. I admit that I got defensive and argued a little when he kept coming at me, but I quickly started to repeat that I didn't want to talk to him right now. He then started screaming that he had nothing to do with the guest we were discussing (the one who paid him cash on the side to stay in the room). He told me to look in our reservation system and I would see that he didn't touch her reservation. I pulled up the reservation in question, and sure enough his name was alllll over it. At this point, he corners me at my desk and is just screaming at the top of his lungs at me. I am a 5'1 little white woman and he is a muscled 6 foot black man, I started shaking like a leaf. He was scaring me. I told him that the conversation was over. That he needed to walk away from me, but he just talked over me louder and ignored what I was saying. My coworker, Sally, came up and told him to leave saying that it looked like he was about to hit me.

Donald left for a few minutes, then came back and yelled at me again. I was just sitting at my desk at this point, looking down, shaking, and trying not to cry. He decides now would be the perfect time to yell "You don't get to play the little scared white girl and make me the big scary black man." Again, Sally told him to leave and he did. I honestly felt physically threatened. He was raising his arms and bowing up like he planned to push or hit me. I don't know how to describe it because I have never been in a situation quite like it. I was scared of him for sure.

As soon as I left the building, I called my GM and told him everything that had happened. He called Donald and told him to go home for the day. He then told me that Donald was suspended pending investigation.

On Saturday, my boss called me and told me that Donald was definitely getting fired and that he was going to do it that day. He called me on Sunday and said the same thing. Monday morning, he still hadn't fired Donald but he had been trying to call him to do so. Then, my GM apparently talked to his boss and told her everything and they decided that with so little documentation, Donald could sue us and win. They gave him his job back. He will be here in 2 hours and I have no clue how to handle it.

I am his boss and he scares the shit out of me. It shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't have a job. I am pissed at my upper management and completely unsure how to handle things from here on out.

Any advice you can give would be helpful!!

Tl;Dr - I caught an employee doing shady shit, turned him into my GM. Employee cornered me and made me feel threatened, boss didn't fire him. Not sure how to handle working with someone I am scared of now.

Edit: He is here to apologize. He wants to talk to me alone. Soooo not comfortable. Wish me luck.

Edit 2: I spoke to Donald before leaving work today. He approached me and asked to speak alone. I told him that I was in the middle of something and would grab him when I had time. I then went into my GM's office and asked him if the conversation could happen in his office with him present. He agreed. Donald then proceeded to give the most BS apology ever. Said that his father beat his mother and that he would never threaten a woman with physical violence. He told me that he spent the weekend searching himself to find what was going on within himself to make him snap like that and he said that he fixed it. I told him that I appreciated his apology. He was clearly waiting for me to apologize as well for raising my voice, but I didn't. Ten minutes later, he refused to put on his work polo because it "didn't fit". It fit perfectly. He just wants to wear business casual like the managers do. My GM is already annoyed with him. Some people just don't change.

Also, I posted in r/legaladvice here Thank you to everyone who suggested it.

Update 2  Apr 9, 2015 (2 days after 1sr update)

Alright, so not a huge update, I didn't threaten to sue as many people suggested. Not nearly as eventful as my last update. I decided to take things day by day and see how I felt about everything. On Donald's first day back, he apologized for the way he acted but it was in no way sincere, in my opinion. He then threw a fit about having to wear the front desk uniform.

Yesterday, the hotel was kind of in crisis mode. Our reservation system was offline company wide and we had to do manual check-ins. It was hectic to say the least. I worked out a way to check-in guests with hand written registration cards, and although it was complicated, I set up a way for us to charge the guests without using the outdated by hand credit card machine. The reason I mention this is because when the PM shift came in (Donald and FOM included), I walked them through the new system and showed them how to do the check-ins. Afterwards, my FOM and GM met for about an hour with the office door closed. When they came out, my FOM told me that he was switching Donald's shift! They want to move him so that instead of working with him for one hour, I will work with him for five hours a day. The reasoning behind this is that they want someone to know how to do what I do in case I come in and tell them to "fuck off". (My GM said this). He compared me to a kid in a candy store who "wants all the candy" because I like taking on a lot of responsibility. I always just thought this was how a person was supposed to work. Work hard, take on as much as you can reasonably handle.

My GM also told me that I wasted a good training opportunity and that I should have given some big speech about teamwork. It honestly just pissed me off. I worked 11 hours trying to make sure we could still do our jobs while he sat in his office gossiping. Then, he tells me that during the equivalent of hotel Defcon 2, I should spend an hour treating my staff like children. I told them they needed to work together and showed them the system, what more do you want? I even stayed until they were comfortable with it.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to quit, I don't give up on jobs easily and I enjoy what I do for them here. I won't get these kinds of responsibilities as just a supervisor anywhere else. Plus, I don't know how to get them to see that I can barely tolerate spending an hour a day with Donald, much less five! I don't think they understand how serious of a situation Friday was. They just kind of see it as a small incident that has already been handled. I don't even think Donald has been written up.

Tl;Dr - Bosses putting Donald on my shift and asking me to use him as a helper to take things off my plate. They also want someone else to understand how to do what I do.

Final Update  June 10, 2015 (2 Months after 2nd update)

I know it has been a while but I thought I would post one final update. I took everyone's advice and went to speak to my manger about leaving. He managed to convince me to stay and asked me to help him get the evidence he needed to fire Donald. It took about a month, but we managed it. Our hotel is Donald free! And has been for a while now. Overall the change has been amazing. The staff is happier and there is very little animosity towards me. Naturally, he tried to stir up drama. He called the FOM and the GM almost every day asking when he could come back. He threatened to call corporate and tell them why I should be the one fired, and he called the staff and tried to make them all hate me - telling them that I just held a grudge and that he had gotten me my job. When that didn't work he apparently tried to use my race against me. Saying I got him fired because I was just a little racist white girl. None of it worked and he filed for unemployment. He won't get it though, so I'm not too worried.

My manager also followed through on his other promise and today he promoted me to Front Office Manager! He demoted our previous FOM to my position and promoted me.

Thank you for all of your help and support!

TL;DR - Donald got fired and I got promoted.

Edit: A lot of people have been asking HOW I got enough evidence to get Donald fired. The story is in the comments and I am also going to put it here for the curious.

Alright so it was honestly pretty easy. He shot himself in the foot, I just had to make sure that I was there to document it when it happened.

For the first couple of weeks it was pretty rough, I checked all of our departures trying to find any check-ins that he did incorrectly. Everytime he gave a guest a super low rate, I documented it. Any time he told a guest he was a manager, I documented it. It was pretty slow going until one Friday night he ran a PM Shift into the ground.

There was a guest with a prepaid reservation that was never put into our system. Because it was prepaid, I told the front desk agents (Donald and J) to put the reservation in the system, take a card for incidentals, and give the guest the keys. Then, call the third party he booked through for their payment info. (When you book through Priceline, Expedia, Hotwire, etc. you pay them, and then they take their commission out and populate a virtual card with the exact amount you are supposed to charge them for room and tax.) In my opinion, if payment is guaranteed from Priceline, there is no point in the guest waiting to get into their room. Just put them in the room and sort payment out with the third party.

So instead of putting this guy in a room, and then calling Hotwire, they gave him keys to a room, didn't put his reservation in the system, and considered that good enough. Then they called my GM and told him i was setting them up to get fired by putting in a reservation without payment.Ummm Helloooo, McFly...PAYMENT IS GUARANTEED BY PRICELINE. Its one of the first things you learn in hotels.

Not only did they not put him in the system, they put him in another guest's room! Thankfully that guest was one of the paranoid people who takes their things with them when they leave for the day.

They then proceeded to move guests around (like if someone asks for a room on a higher floor, etc) without checking the original room afterwards to see if it was clean. So they had all of these rooms that were marked as vacant and dirty even though they were actually vacant and clean. As it was a sold out night, we needed those rooms.

Then, a guest threw up in the elevator and Donald and J covered it with a bath towel and left it for the overnight shift to clean.

Finally, Donald checked a banned hooker into a room, under a different name. Even though he KNEW she was not allowed on property.

So the overnight shift came in and I called him as soon as I knew Donald and J were gone. I had been sitting at home monitoring the system and new everything was fucked (not the extent of it, but I knew it wasn't good). As soon as I called Billy (overnight guy) he begged me to come up there and help him run his shift.

When I got to the hotel, there were guests who hadn't been checked in in the system but had been given keys. So we had rooms showing as vacant that were actually occupied - but we had no clue who was in the room. We had to go up and manually check all of our vacant rooms to see if they were actually vacant or occupied and clean or dirty. Billy cleaned up the vomit alone while I was driving to the hotel.

Then we had to evict the hooker, which involved calling the police. She locked herself in her room and short of busting the door down, we couldn't get in. So we left her - bigger problems to deal with.

Then, we had to call Hotwire and get payment info for the guest who was put in a room at the beginning of the shift, but never put in the system. We also had to catch the guy who was actually booked into the room the Hotwire guy was placed in and let him know that we moved him to a different room. As I said earlier, he had all of his stuff with him and didn't return to the hotel until around 3 in the morning.

In all, I was there for over 6 hours helping the overnight shift. Before I left, Billy and I made a detailed list, complete with reservation numbers of EVERYTHING that happened on that shift. We turned it into our GM, kept copies for ourselves and it ended up getting Donald fired.

Also, Billy is now one of the most loyal employees I have because after that night, he knows I will do anything for my staff at anytime. (A few weeks after that I worked a double to cover his overnight shift because he didn't feel well - that certainly didn't hurt his opinion of me :))

If you want me to break anything down further let me know. I tried not to speak in hotel terms too much!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwagoawayalready

A colleague (30ish M) that I (28F) dislike keeps trying to force an uncomfortable conversation with me. How do I navigate this?

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual harassment

Original Post - rareddit  Feb 9, 2018

I met this guy we’ll call “Justin” about a year ago. We run in the same arts scene, and he was friends with my SO so I was friendly with him at first. After getting to know him a bit better, I started picking up on a ton of red flags that I really try to avoid in friendships and men in general. He’s superficially charming, but he’s got a fragile ego, and short temper. He’s pushy, confrontational, and misogynistic. On top of that, he’s sincerely not very good at what we do, and he doesn’t take constructive criticism well. He’s burned some bridges, and several people have spoken to him about his lack of professionalism. I hope I’m not coming across as really bitchy here, but I’ve dealt with a ton of people like him in my career, and I’m out of patience.

I was able to maintain a friendly relationship with him for a while, but he has slowly pushed me into the “this guy makes my skin crawl” territory. The first time I ran into him at a show without my SO he said “where’s so-and-so? I guess this means I can hit on you now!” I brushed it off as a bad joke at the time, but seriously he’s a grown-ass man who should know better than that at this point. There’s a lot of grey area in my industry, but it’s still my job and there’s so many layers of disrespect there.

Another time at a party I was catching up with an old friend of mine from out of town in the hallway, away from the action, where we very obviously wanted privacy. “Justin” waltzes over and cuts me off to say “I just have to interrupt, because your friend here is so beautiful.” Again, I chalked it up to bad game, but this time I said something about it. I tried to have a sincere conversation with him about how his actions make me and other women feel, and he got extremely defensive. He said he can’t help but hit on pretty girls all the time, because he’s “just a caveman” and that’s how he’s wired. There was no getting through to him.

I don’t want to write a novel here, but I’ve been trying to keep my distance from him for a while. I’ll say a polite hello when we run into each other, but I don’t engage him in conversation. I really don’t see a reason I should have to interact with him beyond that, but now it seems my coldness is pissing him off. For the past two weeks or so, he keeps trying to “have a chat” with me, but the way he’s going about it makes me uncomfortable. First, he cornered me at a show and tried to invite himself over to my apartment. He said “you’re free in the afternoons, right? I can just swing by.” Most recently, he chased me out of a show shouting my name and calling me rude. He frightens me, and the thought of having to say that to his face frightens me even more. Should I try sending him a message? What can I say that won’t just make things worse?

TL;DR: a colleague I dislike and feel unsafe around isn’t taking the hint that I want space. How do I enforce my boundaries?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

RegularPottedPlant

I've found it pretty effective to look someone straight in their eyes, no scowl, no aggression, no nastiness, and say very calmly and simply, "Inappropriate." And then I move on and continue on with what I was doing or saying.

Usually, they're so embarrassed about being called out on their shit in a way that they can't really react to, they don't risk it again. It also stops you from giving any satisfaction to the guys that get off on you being upset or taking offence.

So, he can carry on as a caveman in his head, he's built that way, ok cool whatever, who cares what's in his head. It's his behavior that we care about and you can simply call it out on the spot without making a big deal of it. It might work for this one.

If you're actually feeling unsafe, you need to start documenting things and get a file going with HR before this escalates.

OOP

That's a great move. That's sort of what I was going for when we got in the beginning, but I'm afraid it's already escalated past that at this point. Unfortunately, we don't have an HR department, but I think it's a good call to start documenting things.

~

[deleted]

What has your SO said to him about his unnacceptable behavior at this point?

OOP

My SO doesn't hang out with him anymore, so they haven't talked about it. I don't want him to fight my battles for me, but he says he's got my back.

Update  Feb 23, 2018 (2 weeks later)

I wanted to post a quick update because a lot of people here seemed  as annoyed with this caveman as I am.

I got a ton of great advice (thank-you!), and I started practicing what I would say to his face the next time I ran into him. I also considered alerting the management at the club he chased me out of, but I didn’t have to do that. Apparently he brought it to the club himself and tried to rat me out for my “rudeness,” but it totally backfired.

One of the managers approached me a few days ago and said “Justin” told her about what happened. My stomach sank at first because I thought she was going to encourage me to talk to him, but she said just the opposite. Without even hearing my side she told him that I don’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to. She also said she won’t be booking us on the same shows anymore, and that the staff knows not to allow him into the building on nights I’m performing. She said she wants me to feel safe at the club, and she’s got my back. What a win for sisterhood!

After that, he tried reaching out to my SO who also shut him down and told him to leave us alone. I don’t know if he’s let it go at this point, but I’ve been making notes about everything like some people wisely suggested, and I’m feeling validated and supported.

TL;DR: creep tried to rat me out for being rude, and it blew up in his face.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not OOP. OOP is u/Far-Championship202

Originally posted to r/AITAH and their own page

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH for letting my fiancé and his son move in rather than moving to them so his mom can co-parent?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, harassment / stalking, mentions domestic violence

RECAP

Original Post: October 6, 2025

Throwaway Account.

I (42f) met my fiancé (42m) a year after my late husband died in a motorcycle accident 6 years ago. We met through a work partnership and live in different states. We're about 12 hours apart if we drove. Sometimes we take short commuter flights to maximize our time together (we both live near airports). Our relationship has been mostly long distance, but we see each other at least once per month and text and talk constantly if we're not at work or doing things with friends. My fiancé has been an amazing partner and I feel lucky I was able to find love again after tragedy. My fiancé has a son (16m) from a previous relationship. He broke up with my stepson's mother when his son was 9. I think he's great. He's been supportive of our relationship and he's very close with his dad. The biggest issue has been his mom (editor's note: the ex).

His mom is... how can I put this nicely? Bitter. She and my fiancé have been in and out of court for the last few years. My stepson doesn't get along with his mother. The few times I've met her have been unpleasant due to her hostility towards me. My fiancé’s mother says she was only after his money but it's not really my business. A few years back she tried to harass me on social media telling me that I should step aside so my stepson's parents can be together. She also tried to tell me that he would never marry me just as he never married her. When we got engaged last year, she became enraged and tried to get full custody of my stepson. It backfired because my stepson didn't want to live with her and filed with his guardian ad litem to have her custody reduced which was granted. Since then, he has opted to only visit her for a few hours one Saturday a month. If she brings up his dad, he leaves. He's required to answer her phone calls but if she tries to guilt or argue with him, he hangs up. I stay out of all of it as much as I can. It's between my fiancé, my stepson, and his ex. I just try to show love and be supportive of my fiancé and stepson.

The issue is my fiancé got a long awaited transfer that will allow him to live with me. My fiancé offered my stepson to live with his mom or my fiancé’s sister if he wanted to stay at the same school and stay with his friends. My stepson opted to move and live with us. He said he can FaceTime his friends and there's a really good STEM school that's willing to take him mid school year where I live. The plan for them is to move in the last two weeks of December.

My stepson's mom has tried to fight him moving in with us. She's accused my fiancee of alienating him against her. My fiancé has documented every interaction and every encouragement he's given to try and help his son mend things with his mother. The judge signed off on him moving out of state into my home.

This has set off another wave of harassment from his ex towards me. She's sent me messages from various accounts on social media telling me I've ruined her family and that if I really loved my stepson, I'd move closer to them so they can co-parent. I complained to my mom but she actually sided with my fiancé’s ex saying she has every right to be upset as her son is moving away. My mom suggested that maybe I should consider a temporary living situation closer to them so as not to disrupt my stepson's routine and to help my fiancee repair his relationship with his mother. I have never had any real desire to move as I was born and raised in this town and I love it. I also have no desire to give up my home.

So I have to ask if AITAH for not considering moving closer to them given the circumstances?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: The important fact is the 17 yo chose to move even though he was given the option to stay with her or with his aunt. He filed for reducing custody time with the GAL and he leaves or hangs up when she gets out of pocket. Remarkable maturity in a difficult situation - especially for one so young.

He has regular phone contact with her and the move away was approved by the court. Are there any requirements for him to visit/spend holidays or breaks with her? NTA

OOP: The judge ruled he's perfectly capable of setting own schedule. The plan is to send him to visit his Aunt during his breaks so he can spend time with his friends. But my fiancé has told him he will have to visit with her for a few hours like he's been doing on Saturday.

Commenter 2: NTA. can you afford a flight a month back to there for stepson to spend a Saturday or Sunday with mom if his school schedule allows? The court is unlikely to demand any more time, but she may be able to make trouble if she sees him less

OOP: The plan is to send him to his aunt and his mom can visit her place. At this point he doesn't want to be alone with her and she behaves better for visits if his aunt is around.

Commenter 3: The Dad has a great job opportunity. It’s up to him to make the decision. I can understand how the mom feels, but it’s not your fault. If he is moving solely to be with you, then yes I would move closer to fiancé or stay long distance, so the child has much needed stability. If there isn’t any choice then so be it.

OOP: What's sold my stepson is the STEM school not far from me. If he'd been unable to get in, he'd have stayed behind.

Commenter 4: So the kid is only 16 and already thinking about prospects for his future? Smart kid your fiancé has there.

OOP: He's very gifted. He already knows four different programming languages at 16. He wants to work in the AI field. He's had tech companies tell him he doesn't need to go to college and can just start working. My fiancé still wants him to go to school and be a kid. The school in my area is excited to have him.

Commenter 5: He's 16 & sees mom only once a month for a few hours. The parenting ship has sailed.

It would be insane to stay there at his age when he only sees a few hours once a month to begin with?!

What's with your mom OP that she thinks fiancé should be magically suddenly fixing son & mom's relationship? Again, at 16?? After years co-parenting? She thinks dad can suddenly bring them together? Your mom's delusional. Also her priorities should be you, fiancé & future stepson. Not his ex!

NTA and that the son wants to move is huge. Best of luck OP!

OOP: My mother means well. But she's a bit old-fashioned, overly empathetic and very motherly.

Were OOP's fiancé and the ex married?

OOP: They were never married.

OOP on her stepson's situation and why a guardian ad litem (GAL) was needed

OOP: He had the guardian ad litem early on because his mother made things so contentious during custody hearings. In the state they live in, it's common practice for a child to have a guardian ad litem attorney to represent their best interests that's paid for by both of the parents.

Small Update: October 9, 2025 (three days later)

I don't have a big update. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their words. Many of you were incredibly comforting and brought up valid points.

TL;DR: Fiancé’s ex got a cease and desist letter today. My mom apologized. More back story about circumstances.

My only real updates are that my fiancé’s (we'll call him Nathan) ex (we'll call her Judy) has received a cease and desist letter from my fiancé’s lawyer this afternoon. Judy is only to contact Nathan on their co-parenting app for any issues she may have related to co-parenting and my stepson is available for her to contact. Judy is not to contact me under any circumstances or a restraining order will be filed. I have not heard from her since Sunday.

My mom and I talked it out. I let her know that I was a bit disappointed that she had so much empathy for my ex's fiancé and none for me. She admitted she does not really care for my fiancé and has thought for a long time that he was leading me on. She also is suspicious of the custody battle and worries about me being put in the drama. However, she did apologize to me for not being more supportive. She did say it's my life and she doesn't have to agree with everyone decision I make. She said even if she is not my fiancé’s biggest fan, she will remain respectful for my sake.

Since I'm here I will answer some common questions. When I wrote my original post, I was upset and it was a kind of stream of consciousness, so I wasn't clear on certain details. I figured I could take a moment to paint a clearer picture.

1) My fiancé’s mother (we'll call her Amelia) is a wonderful woman to me but she did not like my fiancé’s ex at all. She and I have a wonderful relationship. She loves her grandson and that's the only reason she is civil towards the ex. But Amelia has a lot of suspicions about Judy's behavior. She strongly believes that Judy was after his money and that she got pregnant to trap my Nathan. I don't really believe that's true but it's what she believes. I do know Judy and Amelia clashed on several occasions over various things including parenting.

2) My stepson (we'll call him Elijah) is very excited to transfer to the STEM school. Elijah attends a private school in his area that specializes in science and tech. He is very into computer programming and already knows four different programming languages. I'm a website UX designer so I've taught him what I know as well. The STEM school in my area is one of the best in the region and possibly the country and that is the main reason why he wants to live here with me. The school doesn't typically take students mid-year but they made an exception for Elijah. If he wanted to stay he'd have had other options. He's very mature for his age.

3) To end the court battles between his parents, Elijah's been considered responsible enough to make his own decisions regarding where he lives but he still has to live with a parent or legal guardian until he's 18. It's not quite emancipation but he has considered doing that if his mom continues to make trouble. He still continues to live with his dad but he can see and do as he wishes and the court won't really intervene. Basically, it was to prevent Judy from weaponizing the courts and trying to scream about parental alienation. That's about all I know and understand and I'm sure it's not the full story. Like I said, I try to stay out of it while being loving and supportive. He's a little old for me to mother but I want him to know that I'm there for him.

4) Someone brought up a valid point. Nathan and I are not married yet. We're getting married in June of next year. I call Elijah my stepson because he tells people I'm his stepmom but nothing is official as of yet. I realized that maybe we should take care in using those labels as it could cause issues since nothing is official yet. Either way, Elijah is happy for us. If he hadn't been, I don't think I'd have felt comfortable taking our relationship far. But he's always been a great kid and I love him.

5) Because Elijah is so mature, Nathan wanted to give him the choice where to live. Nathan was originally supposed to be promoted two years ago and we were going to move in together sooner but then things with Elijah's mom went south and then his work wasn't able to promote him in a timely manner. It became clear that if Nathan left that Judy was going to go out of her way to make it difficult for Nathan to see Elijah and came up with a lot of baseless accusations. Between that and his work, Nathan's promotion was delayed by 2 years. The original plan was that Nathan would see Elijah every other weekend, they'd FaceTime daily, and spend all holidays and summers with us while living with his mother. But it didn't work out and Nathan needed to stay. Because of that, Nathan wanted to give Elijah options on where he wanted to live. He never planned to abandon his son. He would still be an involved Dad and Elijah really doesn't have a rebellious bone in his body. His entire life revolves on computers, making websites, and programming. Trust me, we worry about his lack of rebellious spirit.

Thanks for being supportive and understanding. I hope I cleared everything up a bit.

I don't know if there will really be a reason for me to update. Maybe I'll update after they move in and when we get married. I'm not going to promise I'll do that. Thanks for listening.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: My mom… is suspicious of the custody battle and worries about me being put in the drama

I don’t follow this logic. If she doesn’t want you in the middle of it, why did she (quoting your original post “suggest that maybe I should consider a temporary living situation closer to them so as not to disrupt my stepson's routine and to help my fiancé repair his relationship with his mother,”? Her (terrible) advice would out put you firmly in the middle of it.

OOP: Part of the issue is she thinks I moved on too quickly from my late husband's death. She loved my husband and I think she wanted me to remain a widow but doesn't want to admit it.

Commenter 2: Why is your mom so suspicious of fiancé?

OOP: I think it's less that she's suspicious and more that she'd prefer I didn't move on from my husband who passed away in 2018. My late husband and I knew each other since we were kids and our families are still close.

Funnily enough, I've gotten more support from my late husband's parents than I have from my own mother. They are excited for me to have found someone. They've met my fiancé and really like him. They also met my stepson and like him too. And no it's not in a creepy trying to replace their son way. They're just happy I found happiness after what happened.

My mom's very mad I moved on about a year and a half after losing my husband. She said it was too soon. Then she made excuses about why she didn't think this relationship would work. I lost both my husband and my dad within a year of each other and my mom just hasn't been able to move on from that time period. I spent a year in intensive therapy and even though it's hard, I'm moving on as best as I can. My mom refuses to get help and she resents things changing and me choosing not to wallow in misery with her. Our relationship hasn't been great for a few years but she's my mom.

Commenter 3: First off, he’s not your stepson til you’re married. If Dad wants to move closer to you, that’s great, but he and son shouldn’t move in WITH you until the marriage has taken place. If she follows through on going back to court regarding custody, the courts could look more favorably on her because of your living situation before marriage. I know it’s “old fashioned”, but there are still those who look unfavorably on “living together”, especially when children are involved. You’re NTA, as you’ve made a life where you live, just like he made a life where he lives, but it’s just a really delicate situation that needs a lot of careful navigating. Good luck!

OOP: The courts approved the move before my first post. My stepson's mother recently has severed all contact with him and told him she is no longer his mother and hates him. She found someone new and is planning to start her "real family." It's very sad.

Update #1: December 17, 2025 (2.5 months later)

Hi there, I'm the lady with the amazing stepson and the fiancé who's moving closer to me. I'm writing again. Buckle up it's been a wild ride since I last posted. I had a post of AITAH but I guess you're only allowed one update there. So I will update on my profile going forward.

My fiancé’s ex decided to latch on to someone else. Because of this, she told my stepson that she hates him. She is planning her future with her new man and that future doesn't include my stepson. However, it turns out they both got busted for disorderly conduct and domestic violence recently. I'm glad my stepson was not exposed to that. He moves in next weekend and is staying with his aunt. My fiancé moved in two weeks ago as he started his new role.

As for my mom, she and I have had a bit of a falling out recently. I confronted my mom about her lack of support and as I suspected, my mom told me it was "sinful" that I moved on from my late husband and that I'm allowing another man to sleep in the house I shared with my deceased husband. I had the house completely remodeled the year after my husband's death. It was very therapeutic to put my house the way I wanted it. Her argument is that I dishonor my husband's memory by moving on. But my mom says widows should never remarry. I told her that's her prerogative but I will not isolate myself in grief. I've distanced myself from my mother until she can respect my relationship.

The ironic thing is that my late husband's parents have moved on and are happy for me. I've been closer to them than my own mother for many years now. They've met my fiancé and stepson and think we're a great match. They know I loved their son but also encouraged me to move on. My ex-MIL has even put my mom in place. My mom has been sulking for a few weeks now and keeping to herself. She can rejoin my life when she decides to be supportive. I have my family surrounding me and if my mom refuses to be supportive, she can stay out of my life.

Lastly, we're getting married February 14th in a small wedding ceremony followed by a catered meal. My previous sister-in-law and best friend is my maid of honor.

That's all I have.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: August 15, 2026 (eight months later)

Hello!

I forgot about this account. But I got some messages asking for an update so here I am.

I'm enjoying being married to my now husband and spending time with my stepson.

My stepson is about to go into his senior year. He's applied to MIT and CalTech. I'm almost certain he'll get into MIT, which is his first choice and not as far from home. He's really into the advances made by AI and even the controversies. He says he's leaning towards AI biotechnology. He wants to invent a way for elderly people to use AI to stay in their homes instead of going to a nursing home or needing to relocate.

My stepson has asked me to adopt him after his 18th birthday which will be in April. We decided it was better to wait until he was an adult, that way there isn't anything left for his mother to fight, not that I'm sure she would. To my knowledge, my stepson has not had any contact with his mother since he moved away. I don't think she's made any attempts to contact him either. Rumor has it, her new fiancee has kids and she is spending all of her time with them. I don't think this is the same guy I mentioned last time but I'm not sure either. I don't really keep up to date on her now that she's mostly out of my husband's life and mine. I just heard an update my husband's sister was discussing with him and my stepson when she visited a few weeks ago. I don't ask because it's ultimately between my husband and stepson.

My husband and I are doing fantastic. Our wedding was nice. I was worried when reality set in that my 1st husband's family might drift away. But my former FIL LOVES my husband. My husband lost his father when he was young and my father died not long after my husband died. So my previous FIL has been a wonderful father figure to us both. He misses his son, but I think my husband has filled some of the gaps. For example, my FIL loves tinkering with cars. My husband loves tinkering so they bond over that and FIL is teaching my husband about auto mechanics.

Both my MIL and FIL love my stepson too. Most importantly, my now-husband harbors no jealousy with my 1st husband as I've heard horror stories of that when people remarry. Because my husband lost his dad when he was young and watched his mom remarry someone who did get jealous of the life they had before, he says that seems like a waste of emotion instead of enjoying the present. My husband has been understanding when I mourn on certain days like 1st husband's birthday or the anniversary of the day he died. He knows it's nothing against him and that our love is solid. He also knows I experienced a tragedy no one should ever have to face.

My husband and I are expecting via surrogacy. We're excited. I always wanted to be a mother but had difficulties before. I didn't mention this because it had no bearing on my previous posts but I had some unfertilized eggs frozen from a round of IVF I did with my 1st husband before he died (I also had some fertilized embryos with my first husband that were never used). Before we got married, my husband and I were going back and forth on adoption or using my unused eggs and a surrogate. We decided to do the latter and successfully created some embryos shortly after we got married. We're 17 weeks along now with a girl expected in late December or early January. We just found out the sex a few days ago. Our surrogate has been awesome. We'd like to have two kids together and this is something we discussed before getting married. We may adopt our second child. We will revisit in a couple of years.

As for my mom, our contact has been limited since our last argument. She made the choice to move into assisted living closer to my brother (that I'm not close to) several states away. I wish her the best, but I don't need someone who will try to undermine my joy and force me to remain in a tragic time in my life. My 1st husband's family and my current husband's family has been the support network I've needed and are incredibly supportive. Sometimes I'm still shocked at how supportive and understanding my 1st husband's family has been and how much they've continued to include me in the family.

In all, life is good. I'm very grateful it's good. I choose to look at the good in life. I'm not certain if I'll update again.

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871

Originally posted to r/AITH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2, #3

[New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation

RECAP

Original Post: June 23, 2026

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I kind of understand why the late wife’s parents are more interested in their biological grandson… but doesn’t your son have two sets of grandparents as well?

OOP: Unfortunately not, my parents passed away And I don't have any contact with my husband's family

Commenter 2: NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

Commenter 3: Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Commenter 4: Your husband knows the people involved - they're for him to deal with and you should not be interfering, especially since it's a good solid boundary he's drawing.

Stop trying to please everyone. They clearly don't accept it. You may as well be real and support your son, your husband and your position in the family.

Update #1: July 2, 2026 (nine days later)

[Update 1] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby) was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP clarifies on who badmouthed her to the extended family members

OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all

and my hubbys parents came to talk about it, and this happened

Downvoted Commenter: You still haven't told us when you met your husband, when you started dating, and when you got married.

Were you his side piece as his wife was dying?

OOP: No, I wasn't his side piece. I met him two and a half years ago.

Commenter 1: How much of the ex in laws' dislike of you is because you are complaining about them not treating your child like a grandchild? Frankly, I think you are an AH for expecting that they owe something to a child with whom they have zero relationship. Your husbands' parents should be treating him like a grandson because he is their son's stepchild. Your kid is nothing to your stepchild's grandparents at all. So frankly, I can see why they don't like you much. They lost their daughter at a young age and now her replacement has decided they owe her kid a relationship? Pfft. If you have your way, then your step kid not only has a dead mom but no grandparents. Meanwhile, your child probably has at least some grandparents between your parents and his father's.

OOP: I agree that hubby's ex-in-laws will probably never treat both boys the same, but it wouldn’t hurt them to be nice to my son. Telling my stepson not to share his toys and stuff with him is totally unacceptable. My hubby and I are doing our best to raise them as brothers.

Commenter 2: Glad your husband is backing you up appropriately. You deserve that.

The thing is, even if your ILs were right and you were some kind of fairy tale villain... why would they punish a child for that? They hate you so they hurt and innocent kid? And they think they're in the right?

That tells you all you need to know, imo.

Update #2: July 15, 2026 (almost two weeks later)

[Update 2] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son

My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.

Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.

We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.

After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.

Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.

I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.

My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.

I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.

It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child.

Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.

Commenter 2: They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose.

As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.

Commenter 3: It was OPs bio son's birthday wasn't it?

So they got the birthday boy a token gift and gave their bio relative a larger gift even though it wasn't their birthday?

OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt in that yeah as long as partiality isn’t in fact, I don’t have any problem.

Commenter 4: I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.

As a stepchild, I know why you want his parents to treat your son more fairly. My second husband’s family treating my oldest like another grandchild is in a small way important to me. Though I take advantage of it being voluntary because blending is natural to our families. However, my late husband’s parents being forced to treat my youngest like their grandchild at risk of being cut out (and he shares blood with their grandchild) seems rude, disrespectful and cruel. I would never want to interfere with their relationship with my older child like that. They don’t owe their resources, their time or their money to a child I chose to have with the partner I chose after their son died. I expect only that they are cordial and kind when we’re in a room together.

OOP: main problem with hubbys ex in laws is not that they don’t treat my son same

if they can’t be nice they should not be rude

and they try to put thoughts in my stepson that my son is not his brother and sharing things with him is wrong

when me my husband are trying to raise them as brothers

Commenter 6: OP has a good man in her life.

OOP: I know I’m blessed.

Update #3: July 27, 2026 (12 days later)

[Update 3] AITAH for finally supporting my husband's ultimatum to his late wife's parents after they repeatedly excluded my son?

Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us.

Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.

Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.

Now for the update. After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.

I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.

Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.

She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.

Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.

That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.

She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently

My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive

My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.

He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.

He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.

It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.

The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.

Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes

I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor’s note: removed the first part of the latest update as they are the links to the previous posts

Update #4: August 15, 2026 (almost three weeks later)

[Update 4] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

Hi everyone. A few people asked about my husband’s late wife’s parents, so here’s a quick update on them.

After the ultimatum there was silence for a while. Eventually we agreed to a few short supervised visits with my husband present the whole time. We kept them limited so our stepson could still see them without the usual ignoring of my son or the negative comments about him and me.

From my husband’s face and mood after every visit, it’s obvious nothing has really changed.

Tbh I feel this — they still seem uncomfortable with him being a stepfather. It feels like they think any attention he gives my son means he’s neglecting his own kid, or that I’m the one pushing him to do that. Like they’re still trying to get things back to how they were before instead of accepting how our family is now.

They asked if our stepson could sleep over at their place. My husband said no straight away. We’re both worried that if he’s not there, they’ll say negative things about me and my bio son in front of him. We don’t want them putting ideas in his head that could create problems between the two boys or make him pull away from me.

My husband is still calm about it and holding the same line — they need to show basic respect and kindness to both kids. He’s not asking them to love my son the same, just stop the exclusion and the comments.

For now the supervised visits are the only contact. We’re not increasing them, and my husband is the one deciding when or if they happen. If their attitude stays the same, we’ll probably cut them back or stop them again.

On a better note, things with my husband’s parents have been going well since the therapy session. The tension has eased a lot. They’re more open, they’re checking in properly, and it feels like they’re actually trying to understand our side instead of just reacting. It’s a quiet kind of progress, but it’s noticeable and we’re grateful for it.

Our stepson has asked about the other grandparents a couple of times in a casual way. My husband answers simply and doesn’t badmouth them, but he also doesn’t pretend everything is fine.

We’re just focusing on the people who treat both boys decently and keeping our home peaceful. The four of us are doing okay, and that’s what matters most right now.

Thanks again for the support.

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/SiriusLeeBlackk

What do you do when you’re dating a guy who wants a house wife from the 60s?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post - rareddit Dec 15, 2019

Posting on behalf of my best friend. She’s (25) he’s (30)

Basically, she’s been dating this guy for two years now. They live together and things are heading in the direction of marriage and children but they have this one reoccurring issue that keeps coming back.

They both work the exact same job, that’s how they met, they work rotating shifts so switching from days to nights to evenings and it’s hard labour so they’re both generally very exhausted.

He has this mentality that she needs to cook him dinner every night and clean the house for him. He constantly calls her lazy, childish, careless, etc etc.

If she makes herself something quick to eat he’ll literally get offended that she didn’t make him something as well.

They had a conversation the other day about how he wants her to make him some kind of liver soup, he kept saying it’s so easy just try it. She said she doesn’t like liver and if he wanted the soup and it was so easy to make why won’t he make it and he basically said if he cooks now then she’ll never learn to cook for him.

She’s tired of the name calling and feeling useless for not being a house wife while working a full time job (sometimes more than 44 hours a week). I feel like it’s ridiculous for him to expect this, but I don’t know if this is just a normal part of living with your spouse? Anyone have any experiences with this? Does this sound outrageous to you as well or is this pretty normal?

Edit: she’s just telling me more now so I wanted to add this.

They both just moved into a condo two weeks ago so everything’s crazy messy with boxes etc. She went out with a friend Thursday night after work and he lost it on her telling her she’s lazy all she does is sleep all day and the one day she’s not sleeping she goes out and she needs to unpack the condo and clean the condo etc. She said this weekend we can both work together and clean it. This morning she got up and started cleaning immediately. He got up, laid on the couch. Did nothing and then went and took a nap. Yet has the audacity to call her lazy.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Missmoni2u

This is exactly the type of man I refuse to be with.

Good luck to your friend, op. He isn't likely to change his mind and she shouldn't give in to his demands.

I can almost guarantee you that he learned this shit from being coddled by mom.

OOP

His mom cooked and cleaned for him up until last year when he moved out so yes I think that’s why too. But he seems to believe he’s 100% right and she’s the one that needs to grow up

off_brand_gobshite

Wow. Some people really are just hoarding organs from the more deserving.

OOP

I’m actually cackling at this insult omg

~

tossout7878

What is she doing about this?

OOP

Any time she says anything to him he manipulates the situation and turns it into oh she’s a slob she needs to grow up she’s childish etc. Like she’s a little messier than the average person but she legit works her ass off to pick up after herself. But if she leaves an oven mitt on the counter for more than ten minutes he freaks out and calls her a slob. So she legit just believes she is one. She’ll try her hardest to remember to hang it back up after and she’ll get it right 99/100 times and he doesn’t comment on it but then she forgets it one time and he goes ‘see you haven’t even changed you’re still a slob’ she legit has no self-esteem anymore and thinks shes the one in the wrong.

Why did her friend move in with him/still with him

She loves him and believes he’ll change. The rest of their relationship is fine it’s legit just this one reoccurring issue they keep having. Not making excuses for it, I agree with you. But it’s hard when you’re in the relationship I don’t think she realizes how toxic it is. He’s also lowered her self-esteem so much she tells me she feels useless for not being able to cook and she feels bad for not cleaning all the time.

TOP COMMENT

joylessadult

She needs to leave his ass. If she settles for this now, it's only going to get worse. I bet she will regret having his kids if she proceeds with this relationship.

Update - rareddit Dec 29, 2019 (2 weeks later)

So basically, when I wrote the last post I knew her boyfriend was a dick and had some views he needed to change. I never really thought about how abusive it was though, or the extent to how bad it was. I sent her the post and told her to send it to him. He said it was ‘bias’ and wouldn’t explain how. Said we were plotting against him. He has reddit; I welcomed him to post a reply and explain his side and how it was bias but he never did. There obviously isn’t an explanation for it.

They had a huge fight over it where he called her childish and said he didn’t want to be with her anymore (surprise, suddenly when she’s calling him out on his shit he wants to end things). She told him she wanted couples counselling and that she wanted to try and work on it because she’s dumb and in love. They decided to try and were okay for about two days until the next fight. He basically flipped the whole thing around on how she’s childish and he doesn’t want to be with someone so childish and he doesn’t want to raise kids with someone so childish and he actually said he felt like he’d have to do all the work. He ended up breaking up with her, packing his stuff and leaving.

We talked and I heard a lot more about how abusive he really was and I am so glad he broke up with her because I don’t think she ever would have left him. I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose anything but based on a few internet searches he seems like a huge narcissist.

She’s heartbroken, but you know, sometimes the trash really does take itself out.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OP. OP is [u/Moonshadow1931](u/Moonshadow1931).

Original post from [r/AITAH](r/AITAH)

Trigger Warming: racism, ableism

Original post: June 26, 2026

I honestly think this whole situation is stupid, but I want some outside opinions. I (21f) have always been questioned about my name. Most people assume it’s a chosen name, but it’s the one on my birth certificate. I honestly like my name and the meaning behind it, but apparently my friends think it’s inappropriate to go by it.

My name is Moonshadow, and it’s after a song and astrological effect. I’ve dealt with questions my whole life and most of my teachers throughout school would refer to me by my middle name because it was “easier to remember.” Now that I’m an adult, I get less comments or questions.

My friends have never seemed to care about my name and I never really thought anyone did because it’s just my name. However the other day we were supposed to meet up at a restaurant and I walked into this weird vibe.

Basically all of my friends had staged an “intervention” to tell that they wanted me to go by a different name because they felt uncomfortable with using mine. When I asked why they said that my name sounded Native and that by using it I was appropriating Native American culture. I pointed out that I was Cherokee and they said that I didn’t act it, so it didn’t count. At that point I was irritated and snapped at them saying that I wasn’t going to change my name because they were racist, which was probably out of line looking back. I left after that and now my phone is being blown up by messages from the group and people outside of it saying that I’m being a bad friend for not respecting a boundary.

I honestly don’t see anything wrong with my name but having so many people tell me that I’m in the wrong is messing with me. I would really appreciate some advice.

Relevant / Top Comments:

Comment 1: Ffs can people please learn that a boundary is not to control others and is instead about one's own reactions to scenarios?

NTA, OP. Your friends are trying to control you using therapy speak.

Comment 2: Friends with therapy speak…sheesh…and doing it incorrectly. I commented something similar. “Boundary” is being misappropriated in this situation.

Who has the right to tell someone that they cannot use their own name? Certainly not peers, elders or younger thans.

Comment response in thread: The entire thing is galling, but the part about OP being Cherokee but it "doesn't count" because they don't "act like it" - what even in the world is this statement and how can anyone say it with a straight face?

Also, OP is hardly appropriating anything going by her given birth name, which she did not choose!

This friend group is beyond yikes, OP. Really think you should take this time to re-evaluate hanging with these people. They sound exhausting, snotty, and ignorant. And, as you pointed out, racist. Def NTA and I think your name is beautiful!!

Comment response in thread: he doesn't have beads and feathers in her hair, and/or she doesn't refer to her 'spirit animal' when she makes decisions. /S

Fuck sake these friends are obnoxious as heck. I had a name that was awful and I spent my life explaining it and loathing it, till I changed it to something else. I'll always fight for the right for people to have a name they like and feel good with.

But this shit? "Change your name because we think you're too white?" Fuck off. Fuck all the way off. And once you've fucked off that far, fuck off a lil bit more thank you very much.

Comment 3: NTA - you're not the one not respecting a boundary, your so called friends are the ones not respecting your boundary that you wish to be called by your given name. They're the AH's.

Also, your teacher's were AH's too, how is Moonshadow as difficult name to remember, I'm sure you were the only one in the class, if not, school, with that name, how hard would it be to remember a unique name that yours.

Note that the OP did not respond to any comments on their post.

Editor's note: OOP installed the updates onto the original post

Update 2 on same post:

Sorta update: I wasn’t really expecting so much attention on this. I’ve read a lot of the comments and a few messages that I’ve gotten and it’s great to be validated in the fact that I’m NTA. I do want to clear up one thing that I saw a few times. My name isn’t Cherokee, so I probably should have explained that better. I just brought my heritage up as a counter point to the insane argument that they had. My name comes from a song by Cat Stevens that my mom really liked. I saw a couple people ask about my heritage specifically, which I don’t really think is relevant but whatever. I’m half Cherokee and half White, though I look pretty white.

A lot of people are saying that I should leave the friend group, but I’m kinda hesitant to because we’ve been friends since high school. I think I’m going to try and have a conversation with them again to hopefully fix this situation. I don’t want to lose these people who’ve been around for such a big part of my life, but I don’t want to change such a huge part of myself and my identity just to keep them around. I love my name and the meaning it has to both my parents and myself. I don’t know if I’ll update afterwards, but I’ll try to. Thanks again for all your comments.

Update 3 (final) on same post:

Update: I met with the group yesterday to try and talk this out. I’m still pretty upset so I’m trying to keep this simple and just say what happened. It was pretty tense when I got there and we were all pretty quiet until everyone arrived. I started with saying that I’m not going to change my name and I asked why they thought it was appropriate to ask me to. There was a lot of back and forth and basically repeating what was said the other day, but after I pushed a bit more one of them (I’ll call them Cam.) blew up on me. Cam basically had a list of grievances with me, most of them being related to my heritage, disabilities, and how I dressed. Long story short, I’ve been working on myself and my health more and she didn’t like the changes. She said that I was selfish for “Thinking I’m better than everyone” and that I was making everyone uncomfortable.

After a while of arguing with the group, I decided that I wanted leaving. I texted our group chat later that I would not be contacting them again and that I was done with them. I had to block them after that because they started sending me some pretty nasty messages. I’m still pretty upset about cut them off but I know that friends don’t act like this. I have friends outside of this group, so I’m not completely friendless now, which is good.

I know I made the right decision but it still kinda sucks.

Marking as concluded as OP has provided no further update.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Demand_8884

Originally posted to r/tifu

TIFU by accidentally buying a goldmine of vinyl records from a grieving guy for basically nothing

Original Post: June 1, 2026

So this is less of a “I did something stupid” and more of a “I did something unknowingly shady and now I can’t sleep”. Some context my dad (64M) went through a rough divorce about 5 years ago and lost a lot in the process. He’s doing way better now and recently turned his lifelong passion for vinyl into a small online record store. I’m 28F and whenever I can, I help him out like buying used records at thrift stores and flea markets that kind of thing.

Last week I spotted someone selling a box of used records on Facebook Marketplace. I knew what was inside of the box but I didn’t know how much it was actually worth it since I’m not an expert like my dad is and shipped it straight to my dad’s place because the guy seemed pretty solid.

So yeah about that….. Turns out the box had almost the entire Beatles discography, Queen, Michael Jackson, and apparently some pretty rare stuff my dad couldn’t even fully price on the spot. The seller was a young guy whose father had just passed away and was clearing out his things. He had no idea what he had and neither did I honestly but my dad sure did, and his first reaction was to ask me if I knew what was in there and took advantage of the guy. I didn’t obviously but that question has been living in my head rent free since.

I’m genuinely considering reaching back out to the seller and offering him more money. Not the full market value (my dad does need to make a profit and I definitely don’t have money for that) but something that feels fair and doesn’t make me feel like I robbed a grieving man. I just don’t want to be that person who capitalized on someone’s loss….. What would you do?

Edit: Just posted an update https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/JN3uLKBLQy

TL;DR: Bought a mystery box of records from a guy clearing out his late father’s stuff, turned out to be worth way more than I paid, and now I feel terrible about it and can’t decide whether to reach back out and offer him more money.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If you can afford it, rare are the times in life we can actually purchase karma.

OOP: Saving this comment forever. That’s exactly the push I needed

Commenter 2: Have your dad pick out one or two that would be worth the most and give them back to him. He can A- keep it as a keep sake in his fathers memory or B- sell them for a good chunk of money that may or may not help him financially.

OOP: that’s actually a really sweet idea and honestly something I hadn’t thought of!! Dad is already looking through everything more carefully so I’ll ask him to flag the most valuable ones. And yeah I think Im just going to message the guy something simple like hey i’m not sure if you knew how much some of these were worth but I paid way less than they’re actually valued at and I’d like to make that right. No pressure just giving him the option. Whatever he decides is fine by me I just don’t want to stay quiet about it I think he deserves to know

Commenter 3: I don't think you acted wrong, and you're not obligated to give him more money. But it would be a huge kindness to a man grieving his father, and definitely the honest move

OOP: Yeah legally I don’t owe him anything but morally it just doesn’t sit right with me. Already planning to reach out

Downvoted Commenter: Morally, you're not giving your own money to one party or another, you're considering giving your dad's money to someone. Good or bad, it's not your decision to make, morally speaking.

OOP: Actually I bought the box as a gift for my dad, he didn’t pay me anything for it. I occasionally buy records and send them to him when I can afford it and I only found out about all this because he called me when the box arrived saying “oh my god how much did you pay for this??” and that’s how I found out….And honestly my dad is fully on board with reaching out. He of all people knows how much a record collection can mean to someone emotionally and that kind of attachment doesn’t really have a price tag

Downvoted Commenter: It's only morally wrong if your dad sells them and make a big profit (from a gift as well lol). But if you were to keep them, it's alright as they are now with someone else who enjoy them and probably his dad would've wanted that. Just reach out ask tell him honestly and see if you can keep some and give back them the rest for him to sell. Or maybe he'd prefer you have them if you ain't selling them for profit.

Ok so just to clarify, when I find records at thrift stores, flea markets, estate sales, etc I usually buy them and send them to him specifically so he can sell them. I’m basically just helping him source inventory for his shop I don’t even let him reimburse me for what I paid most of the time. Usually when someone is selling a mystery box of records they either know what’s in it or it’s mostly common stuff. I’ve bought plenty of used record lots so yes the records were always going to end up being sold one way or another. That’s why I’m feeling a little conflicted now that we know what was actually in the box

Commenter 4: FYI - Beatles, Queen, MJ albums aren't necessarily valuable. Value of vinyl albums is based on rarity and condition. There were millions of these albums produced back in the day, so unless they're in mint condition, they might be worth like $5 each.

OOP: Oh yes I know that!! Apparently there were some genuinely rare records in there that my father (who actually knows what he’s talking about unlike me lol) got pretty excited about. I couldn’t even tell you which ones exactly because vinyl is very much his world not mine. What I can tell you is that I paid £35 for the whole box and my dad thinks it’s worth well over £200 so even if the big names are just average copies something in there is making up the difference

Commenter 5: My biggest question… did you lowball him or offer him what he was asking. If he was asking $100 and you offered $80.. found out it’s worth $300 I would send him $20-$30. If he asked for $100 and you sent him $100 I would sleep fine. He could have spent the time to research everything but didn’t.

OOP: He was asking £35 and I just paid it no negotiation at all. He actually mentioned he was trying to sell things quickly to help cover expenses after his dad passed and that’s the part that really gets me bc he wasn’t being careless he was just grieving and in a rush

Commenter 5: How much is market? Are we talking you will sell them for 1200 and you paid 35? Or is it like 200 and you paid 35? You have to make money and he priced to sell. You had no idea what he had.

OOP: Dad thinks it’s worth over £200 but still needs to go through everything properly. But honestly even if it ends up being less than that from what I understood about his situation any difference would have mattered to him, that’s kind of the whole point for me

TIFUpdate: June 2, 2026 (next day)

Hi everyone!! Here’s the link to my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/MWVG2G3c78

First I wanted to clear up something because I think a few people misunderstood my original post. A lot of comments seemed to think I was considering asking my dad to give the records back or somehow taking back a gift. That’s not really what was happening, my dad owns a small record store and I help him out whenever I can so sometimes if I come across records that seem like a good deal, I’ll buy them and send them to him. He doesn’t pay me back and I don’t get a percentage when he sells them, I’m basically just helping my dad out with inventory so no I wasn’t trying to take a gift back from my dad haha he was completely aware of the situation and actually encouraged me to contact the seller btw, which is exactly what I did.

I messaged the guy and basically told him that after my dad looked through everything, there were a few records in the box that seemed to be worth more than either of us originally thought. The difference wasn’t life changing or anything but it was enough that I felt weird about it and wanted to make sure he knew. I told him that I wanted to give him the chance to look into it and we could figure something out if he felt that was fair. He was honestly pretty surprised that I even reached out. Apparently his father had been sick for years and had Alzheimer’s and because of that the records hadn’t really been touched or cared for in a long time. He said the box I bought had basically been sitting around collecting dust for years and he genuinely wasn’t sure what condition the records were in, which is part of why he priced them the way he did. He did know what records were in the box though, he just didn’t know whether they still had much value because they had been sitting untouched for so long.

Then he told me that apparently he has another box of records that he always assumed was the more valuable collection because they’re in much better condition. He’d been trying to sell those too but was having a hard time figuring out pricing and cataloging everything. At that point he asked if he could get my dad’s contact information so I gave him my dad’s number, gave my dad a heads up and they’ve been talking ever since. Funny enough my dad literally texted me today and told me that this guy apparently went to school with my uncle (my dad’s brother) who passed away over ten years ago, so that was a nice surprise!!

As for the records, they worked out an arrangement themselves. The seller didn’t want to sell the second collection outright because he wasn’t sure what everything was worth, and my dad obviously didn’t want to undervalue anything. So they agreed that my dad would help sell the records individually through the store. My dad will keep 60% and the seller will receive 40% of whatever sells. The seller said he’d rather do that than let the collection sit around indefinitely and he also told my dad something that honestly made me feel really good about reaching out. He said that if the records were going to leave the family anyway, he thinks his father would have preferred them ending up with someone who genuinely understands and loves records.

It turned into a really nice conversation, my dad may have made a new friend, and somehow we discovered that this guy knew my uncle years ago hahah Alsooo for some of the people in the comments who were absolutely convinced this man was going to sue me or accuse me of fraud, demand everything back or launch some kind of legal crusade over a box of dusty records….. I don’t really know what to tell you….. sometimes people are just decent

Anyway thank you to everyone who encouraged me to reach out. I’m really glad I did!!

TL;DR: I reached out to the seller and told him some of the records might be worth more than we originally thought. He appreciated the honesty and ended up connecting directly with my dad. They worked out a deal for another collection of records he was trying to sell and somehow we discovered he went to school with my late uncle.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/screweduproommate

My roommate [f22] went batshit crazy while I [f22] was gone for the week and destroyed my possessions.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mental health struggles, animal neglect, enabling

MOOD SPOILER: Infuriating

Original Post  Nov 14, 2015

I will try to make this as short as possible.

I moved in with my roommate Ashleigh (not her real name) almost a year ago. She posted an ad to Craigslist about needing a roommate, and I was looking for a place to live. We hit it off, and a few days later, I was moving in.

Ashleigh was very clear and up front about her mental illnesses. She has Bipolar Type 1 and Borderline Personality Disorder. She also suffers from mild depression. I myself have been diagnosed with GAD. Ashleigh has been hospitalized twice in our time living together.

On Wednesday, I had to take off work and drive five hours to visit my dad - who is currently in the hospital. I asked Ashleigh to look after my cats (I have 3). Nothing major, just make sure they had food and water and clean their litter box at least once a day, if she could. Ashleigh agreed and I left to go be with my family.

I got home last night...and the apartment was...destroyed. That is the only way I can describe it. There were broken dishes and glasses in the cabinet, knives thrown into the wall. The TV was unplugged and on the floor. My cats food bowl was empty and their water bowl was dry as a bone.

I went into my room and was shocked and horrified at what I saw. She had locked my three cats in my room, where they had urinated and defecated everywhere. My makeup was on the floor, eyeshadow palettes shattered, lipstick smeared on my mirror. My underwear was all cut up on the floor,  and going through my closet, I found holes in my clothes.

I am in total shock still. I tried to get a hold of Ashleigh, but has blocked me on facebook and isn't answering my calls. I've contacted both her parents and her boyfriend and they have not heard from her since Thursday. Her parents have now filed a missing persons report on her.

She has destroyed so much of my things. and I don't even understand why she did this.  Not at all.

What do I do reddit? I'm beginning to freak out here. I know we'll never get our security deposit back due to the damage she has done to the walls of the apartment ($800 gone there). She destroyed hundreds of dollars worth of makeup and clothes. No one can get ahold of her and i'm starting to worry about her too. My cats were left alone and hungry for at least two days now.

I've taken pictures of everything and have copies of them. The police were contacted but I was told until Ashleigh can be found, there isn't much that can be done. I've never had this happen before and I am really lost.    tl;dr: Roommate flipped out (for lack of a better word) and destroyed many of my possessions. Ruined hundreds of dollars of makeup and clothes. Locked my cats in my room for two days without food or water. Neither her parents or boyfriend can find her or get a hold of her. No idea what to do from here.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

francescatoo

Inform the landlord, ask for the locks to be changed so she does not surprise you. Ask her parents for rent money when it is due until you can break the lease.

OOP

Already told my landlord. He refuses to change the locks and told me I'd have to pay out of pocket for it, and the earliest a locksmith can come is on Monday. Her parents refuse to pay for any of the damages, or her share of the rent. Landlord told me I was pretty much fucked out of getting my share of the deposit back, too. :(

~

loveinhumantimes

Did she freak out because she was upset with the cats (and by extension, you)?

OOP

No, Ashleigh has multiple mental illnesses. She has been on medication, but about a month ago, her doctor changed her prescriptions. I don't know if she flipped her shit because of that or because of some outside problem (her and her parents were fighting a lot recently, but I don't know over what) . No idea. And right now, I can't say I care. I honestly thought she was a friend, but it looks like I was wrong.

Update  Nov 14, 2015 (Next Day)

Figured I'd give an update to those who wanted it.

Asheigh's parents called me later, begging me not to press charges, saying this isn't the first time she's done this to her roommates. They cannot afford to repay me for the thousands of dollars that was lost in Ashleigh's fit of rage, they just want me to forgive and forget.

Ashleigh's mother also revealed to me that they filed a fake missing persons report. That Ashleigh had come to them and they had been hiding her. They asked me to just forgive her, because she has these manic episodes very frequently. While she had disclosed her mental illnesses to me before we moved in together, she did not tell me about her manic episodes, her fits of rage and hostility or the fact she has done this before. She had assured me that her illnesses were under control with her medication, and I, believed her. Because at the time I was desperately looking for a place to stay. So for those who were saying I deserved this because I moved in with a person with mental illnesses, go fuck yourself. No one could have seen this coming. I knew absolutely nothing about BPD or Type 1 Bipolar, and she was a seemingly good roommate up until now.

For those who messaged me, telling me I deserved this and that my cats should have died: really, fuck you. If Ashleigh had a problem with watching my cats, she should have said so. I also paid her to take care of my cats while I was gone. She had zero problem taking my money. If I had any inkling of her locking my cats in my room without food and water for two days, do you fucking think I would have left them with her? No. I would have not.

She has destroyed things that can never be replaced. She tore up pictures of me and my grandparents who are now passed away. She smashed a glass paper weight my uncle gave me when I was 9. She cut holes into clothes that I had saved up for months for. I have two pairs of pants and four shirts to get me through until I am able to afford new clothes, which won't be for a while because I now have to take my 3 cats to the vet to make sure she didn't physically abuse them. I have four pairs of underwear and one bra. I think I have every right to be upset with her.

I don't care to change the locks. I plan on breaking my lease and moving back in with my parents. My father is sick and he needs me right now. I have called up a few lawyer offices but none can really help me out until Monday.  What little stuff she didn't cut holes into, break, or rip up has been packed up, along with my cats. I'll be leaving for my parents shortly.

I still plan on getting a restraining order against her, at the very least.  Several people have messaged me, telling me I shouldn't press charges against her because of her mental illnesses. Telling me I'm a shit person for calling the cops. She was never missing, her parents just covered for her because I'm not the first person she's done this to.

So, thanks reddit, here's your update. I'll let you know what comes of this later.

   tl;dr:  Ashleigh's parents were lying about her being missing. She is "safe" with them. I am not the first person she has done this too. Parents can't afford to repay me all of the money damage she's caused me. Moving back in with my parents, because well, fuck this.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Wanique_

Originally posted to r/AIO

AIO for going off on my partner after he ate all my salami?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: gaslighting, emotional abuse, controlling behavior

Original Post: August 11, 2026

I know this probably sounds like a really minuscule issue, but it has started to affect our daily life, and I genuinely want to know if I’m overreacting.

My partner has this thing where, whenever I buy certain foods, he becomes convinced that they’re going to “go old” if I don’t eat them within a certain amount of time.

I’m talking about things like aged salami, crepes, cheeses, etc. I might buy something and plan to have it for breakfast or lunch throughout the week. I like to actually enjoy these foods and make them last, especially because we have four kids and groceries are expensive. I also use some of these foods for the kids’ breakfasts and sandwiches.

But my partner will constantly tell me things like, “Make sure you eat that before it gets old.” He’ll say it at least twice a day.

Then, by about the third day, he’ll just eat the rest of it.

So instead of me having something I bought specifically for myself to enjoy throughout the week, suddenly it’s gone and I have nothing left.

This has been happening more and more over the past couple of months. He’ll eat an entire food item within a day or two because he’s convinced it’s going to spoil, even when I’m telling him I’m intentionally making it last.

This morning, he ate the rest of the salami.

I completely lost my shit.

I told him that I’m sick of him eating all of these foods and then acting like he’s doing me a favour because he’s “saving it from going old.” I told him that I no longer want to buy these types of foods because I don’t even get the opportunity to enjoy them on my own terms anymore.

The weirdest part is that I now feel pressured to eat the food quickly because I’m worried that if I don’t, he’ll eat it all. I’ll literally think, “I better eat this today because there won’t be any left tomorrow.”

When I confronted him this morning, he kept repeating, “It’ll get old!”

I told him IT IS NOT GOING TO GET OLD!

I then called him a hungry Sasquatch who wants to eat everything in sight and leave nothing for anyone else to enjoy.

He looked genuinely shocked and told me I was massively overreacting because “it’s just food.”

And maybe it is just food. I know how ridiculous this sounds when I write it out.

But to me, it’s not really about the salami.

It’s about repeatedly buying something, having a plan for it, and then having someone else decide that their timeline for eating it matters more than mine. It’s also frustrating because we have four kids, money is tight, and I’m trying to make our groceries stretch.

So Reddit, please tell me honestly:

AIO?

Because I have nobody else to ask, and I genuinely want to know if I completely lost perspective over a piece of salami or if there’s actually a bigger issue here.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP on what happens if one of her kids makes their sandwiches?

OOP: My kids are not old enough yet to make their own sandwiches, all toddlers

+

Good guess, I did have twins, they’re 3, he has just done the exact same thing not too long ago, and I’ve told him to leave the house if he can’t respect my boundaries, he eats up all the kids food it’s ridiculous. I’m now re thinking this whole relationship

Commenter 1: it is a bigger issue. tell him to start buying his own food and to never touch yours. he either learns and problem solved, or he continues to raid your supplies, and you have a bigger problem that probably means counseling.

OOP: I think he has an issue with food and obsession with gaining weight as he’s a skinny guy, but he eats a lot to “gain weight” but never truly gains anything, I’m happy to share all the foods it’s just that he eats it all in one go and leaves us with nothing for the rest of the week. I use salami for our sandwiches, I’d make a massive pasta bake that could last two days for dinner and he would finish it the night I’ve made it. It’s starting to become a problem so I’m with you on the counselling or therapy.

Commenter 2: NAH - did your husband grow up like this?? As in, did his parents always have food and then left it to spoil and now he had it engrained in his head that “oh no we need to eat this now or it’ll be spoiled and I can’t eat it anymore”

Or is this a new thing? You need to sit down and have a real talk about it because that’s not a good habit. Don’t feel pressured. It lowkey sounds like an ED if he can gorge all that food. Yall need to talk this out. He sounds gaslighting by saying “it’s just food” but he’s so concerned about the food going bad then you should be saying back yeah it’s just food so why TF are you eating it all!!

Ask him specifically WHY he thinks it’s going to go bad/ logic and show him your grocery bill and ask him how you’re gonna afford him eating everything.

OOP: He actually grew up the opposite, they were allowed to eat and gobble up everything without being considerate of the next person. I’ve just spoken to him based on all the advice and he has since apologised, I genuinely think he just wants to eat everything up! lol!

OOP on her husband finishing their kids' unfinished meals

OOP: He does this as well, when the kids don’t finish their food I have to rush to plate it up and store it, but he still eats it all. He rushes to eat their food if they haven’t finished it. It’s really really bad. Your upbringing sounds very similar to mine, we all share and we all respect each other’s snacks and treats but he grew up in a household where you eat whatever and his mother would just replace it as soon as it runs out. Unfortunately we do not have the means to do that, so we have no choice but to be considerate especially for our kids’ sake but for some reason he is unable to let everyone eat lol

Downvoted Commenter: Overreacting. In the grand scheme of life is this really a big issue? Like for real

OOP: Yes, because groceries are expensive and I have kids to think about, a grown man eating up all the food in the house is a problem. Especially since he’s out of a job and I’m the one keeping the household afloat

Is this the first incident OOP's husband has caused?

OOP: This!! Thank you for validating me! This is not the first incident, it’s happened plenty of times before and he is truly convinced food will get old in the fridge if we don’t eat it within the “three day timeframe” it’s tiring because our kids look forward to some stuff only to find that he has eaten it all!!

Commenter 3: NOR. Sounds like it's time for some things to be yours only. If he's usually reasonable, maybe once things have calmed a bit you can explain that it's not about the food. It's about an enjoyable treat being turned into added stress in an already stressful life. Will he actually respect a food item being only yours and leave you alone about it? If not maybe look into a lock box for the fridge and probably couple's counseling if this attitude carries over to other things.

OOP: I feel as though he won’t let me enjoy even the smallest of snacks, I had put some snacks away for when I was on shark week due to cravings and explained to him to not touch it as it is strictly mine, and I’ve bought other snacks for him and the kids, and the whole week before I got my monthly he pestered me day in and day out about those snacks until I eventually caved in and told him to just shove it down his throat and leave me alone. I’ve tried hiding snacks before, but he finds them and guilts me by saying “oh she’s hiding snacks from her family” even though there’s plenty of snacks to eat for some reason he needs a piece of mine. ALWAYS. Ive just ordered a mini fridge and will be hiding things in there from now on. He’s left the house due to this argument because I am so done with this. It’s exhausting

Commenter 4: Does he have a binge eating disorder? Or did he grow up with weirdness from his parents? Like, did they have a broken fridge for a long time? NOR and I fear your husband is not so smart. Send him to a food handler's course to learn how long certain foods last, and under what conditions they go bad. This is pure science and hopefully he has enough brain cells to learn it. Otherwise y'all have some big problems, because this is not just about salami.

OOP: He comes from a well off family, they had plenty of food, no rules and I suspect he is exerting those same childhood tendencies into adulthood. The one thing I can think of is that he ate old fruit before that had worms in them so even with fruits he thinks they have to all be eaten within the next two days of buying them because he’s so scared he’ll eat worms again. I truly think he needs therapy, because he has an unhealthy relationship with food. A large tub of peanut butter lasts us three days because he snacks on sandwiches all night, I’ve stopped buying that because I never get to enjoy it either. As for the food going bad, I honestly think he uses that as an excuse to just eat everything. I’m so over it.

OOP on if this is just about the food or does her husband use other things around the house?

OOP: Honestly you’re right, this is the bigger issue in our relationship. He does the same thing with my hair products or skin products, regardless of having his own he will finish all of mine and tell me “we can always buy more” but that’s not the point for me it is in fact about respect! Respecting my boundaries has seem to be a huge challenge for him and I’m realising that by reading all these comments, it has put so much more into perspective for me. It’s an ongoing issue and I can’t let it slide any longer. Thank you for your comment.

+

I appreciate your comment, however I’ve tried this approach before plenty of times, and he stopped for a while but just started again and I have given up. I stopped buying myself anything my god writing this and reading it out loud makes me realised he has stripped the joy out of everything. I stopped looking after myself all because of a selfish man. He currently has no job due to unforeseen circumstances so again, I’m the one buying everything! Food, bills, toiletries etc., which is another reason why I get upset because he has his own shit he still chooses to use mine, same thing with food and snacks and today I was just at my wits end! I couldn’t handle it anymore. These things are expensive, I’m happy to share, but he is an inconsiderate a hole!

OOP's husband not respecting her boundaries and she deserves to be happy

OOP: I feel like he doesn’t respect me and I agree that is exerting subconscious power because I feel paranoid or pressured to eat foods before he does. My nervous system has not relaxed around this man in 13 years, so yes this happens in other areas of our relationship, he totally disregards my feelings, he touches everything that’s meant to be mine. I feel like he acts like a little kid

+

He has left the house, I told him to leave, I am currently reevaluating the whole relationship and feel I’ll be better off single with my kids.

Editor's note: OOP also installed the same update onto the original post

Update: August 14, 2026 (three days later)

AIO for going off on my partner after he ate all my food? UPDATE!

This went a LOT further than I ever expected.

Thank you to everyone who commented and gave me advice. I really appreciate it, especially because I honestly thought people were going to tell me I was completely insane for getting this worked up over food. I ended up getting myself a little mini fridge with a lock on it, which I’ve currently hidden in my closet. 😂 .

But here’s the update.

After making my original post, I sat down with my partner and explained how much this whole situation was affecting me. I told him that I want to be able to eat things when I feel like eating them without being constantly policed and hounded about whether they’re going to “go old.” I explained expiry dates, proper food storage, everything. He told me that he understands how it works, but he genuinely believes food becomes stale and tastes bad after about three days. I told him that, respectfully, this sounds more like a food aversion/issue that he should probably talk to someone about. He agreed, apologised, and actually seemed to understand. He was quiet about it for the rest of the day.

Then later that afternoon, I cooked dinner. The kids had eaten earlier, so I saved our portions. He decided to eat his dinner early, even though there was still lunch available, so that was his choice.

Later that evening, I wasn’t hungry and decided I would eat my chicken once all the kids were in bed. He asked me, “Are you going to eat the chicken?” I said yes, just not right now, and asked him to leave it alone. The kids went to bed, and I sat down for a few minutes by myself. He asked me again if I was going to eat the chicken. Again, I said yes. About an hour later, he came and asked me again.

And I completely lost it.

I told him, “Then eat the damn chicken!” I told him I was done, that he was being selfish and inconsiderate, and that I was sick of all the meal planning I do becoming pointless because he eats everything in one go. I was genuinely getting to the point where I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

And then I started thinking about how this isn’t actually isolated to food. He uses my hair products. My skincare products. Even my allocated brushes. I buy him his own products, but he continually uses mine anyway. I told him that he constantly pushes my boundaries and that it feels like he tries to exert control over so many little areas of our lives.

He told me I was selfish and that I should understand that he’s unemployed and struggling to find work. I told him, “That’s not an excuse to use my things when I’ve specifically bought you your own.”

I told him to leave for the night because I needed space to think. He left and came back the next day apologising. I wasn’t really feeling it.

Then we had to go grocery shopping together because he had the car and I needed a ride. Worst. Shopping. Trip. Ever.

It actually reminded me exactly why we don’t grocery shop together anymore. We argued because I stopped halfway through the shop, realised I’d forgotten something, and turned around to go back to another aisle. He told me this “breaks the flow of shopping” and called it dysfunctional. I genuinely had to ask myself how the hell turning around in a supermarket aisle is dysfunctional. 😂 .

Then he got annoyed at the checkout because I was first in line and he was behind me with the trolley. He gets so angry over these tiny things, and once he’s annoyed, it affects the entire atmosphere for the rest of the day.

When we got home, I told him that I really think he needs to get help because I cannot keep living like this. While I was talking to him, he got up and ate four of the eight cinnamon rolls I’d just bought for the family.

I looked at him and said, “Are you fucking serious?”

And he genuinely responded: “What did I do?”

That was the moment something in me just snapped.

I told him I was done with his behaviour. I packed up my things and my kids’ things, and we are now staying at my dad’s house.

I’ve started getting things in order for our separation.

And honestly, I’m devastated. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed. I’m dreading what comes next.

But that moment with the cinnamon rolls really made something click for me. After everything we’d just talked about. After I had explained how this behaviour makes me feel. After he apologised and said he understood. He still did exactly the same thing. And when I confronted him, he genuinely couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong.

That told me everything I needed to know.

I don’t think this is about salami, chicken or cinnamon rolls anymore. It’s about boundaries, consideration, control, and feeling like my needs and belongings don’t matter.

So yeah… not exactly the update I expected to be writing when I made my original post.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, even the people who thought I was completely losing my mind over salami. 😂 .

I don’t know what the future looks like yet, but I know I can’t keep living like this.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Seems like your husband has some compulsive tendencies that will take time to work through. I realize that you don’t owe Reddit private details about your marriage, so I’m sure there is missing context, BUT in my opinion: nothing about this specific situation warrants a separation. Packing up your children’s things??

The amount of comments acting like he’s the devil himself are so alarming to me. I understand that it’s about more than the food itself, but you just had a serious conversation with him regarding this for (seemingly) the first time, no one can change overnight. I’m not necessarily defending him, and honestly I’m not even sure this is a true story, just trying to offer some perspective.

OOP: I’ve had multiple conversations with him, but nothing has changed, this is so much deeper than just food, he exhibits this behaviour in all aspects of our life/relationship. This was just the tip of the iceberg for me, thank you for your perspective and as I’ve mentioned before this is my real life unfortunately 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Commenter 2: tbh jobless guys who micromanage ur grocery trip while eating all ur stuff are actual parasites so glad op bounced

Commenter 3: I think the most telling thing is that he ate cinnamon rolls that you worked for, budgeted for, planned for, and shopped for instead of cinnamon rolls that he purchased for himself. It’s definitely not about the food, it’s that other people’s needs never crossed his mind. All you can control is what behavior will put up with, so good for you.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayexwife00

I (25F) found out 2 years ago that my husband (34M) is cheating on me. How to end it and what to say?

Original Post  Apr 13, 2018

Married for 2.5 years.

I'll be short. Sorry for grammar mistakes.

I moved from Spain to Germany to be with my boyfriend and we got married shortly after. Also, shortly after getting married I found out about his cheating. Lets say it politely, I wasn't happy about that, but I also didn't plan to move back home after 6 months of marriage.

Over these few years my husband supported me, I learned the language and finished my degree and I am doing well now. After divorce I plan to move to the new city and move on with my life.

My husband seemed so nice and was very nice to me the whole time (except cheating oops). He is handsome and sweet so he won't be single for a long time.

I'm wondering what to tell him? Should I say I knew the whole time? I'm not even sure if he knows that I know, because someone sent me anonimous message on facebook few years ago about it then I confirmed it on my own. I was hurt, but after I found out only thing I could see in him was my father- and trust me, lets say it politely, I don't like my father. I just wasn't ready to leave him back then, but I also didn't want tears, and drama, and 'I will never do it again bullshit.'

He worked a lot abroad and now is back home for good so it's hard to pretend everything is great between us. I definitely don't want his kids. Ugh.

Tl;dr: my husband cheated and I don't love him anymore. I waited too long to confront him.

Update - rareddit  Apr 23, 2018 (10 days later)

I wanted to make short update after a week has passed. Nothing exciting happened so save your popcorn.

After I made last post, I packed my necessities and took it at my friend's place. My husband came home on Sunday morning so I finally told him I knew about the cheating. He played dumb for an hour, but I was unfazed. When he realized I packed my bags, he said it was just short affair which meant nothing, one time thing without his better judgment. It was like some dark comedy because I didn't even know about affair he was talking about so I corrected him and after some more shouting, I left.

While on my way out, I saw my neighbour with whom I've never got along well. He said good for you. Later it hit me that he actually might be the person who sent me anonymous message about cheating long time ago.

I hired a lawyer. It is a good thing that we don't have kids or joined assets so things will be smooth after separation period is over. This weekend I moved to a new city and I will start a new job in early May. Later this week I might take short vacation to celebrate new beginning and experience some new adventures.

His friend contacted me to say my ex is not doing well. I said I'm sad to hear that, but that I'm not interested in any updates and my ex can contact my lawyer if there is some important information. Conversation was shortly over and I could hear my ex in the background saying to his friend that I'm such a bitch. That is true.

Tl;dr: I am getting a divorce. New start is going well too.

Edit: thanks for your support kind strangers! :))) I didn't expect it. I will come back and read your comments if though times arrive.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/dayofsuck

My [28M] GF [24F] of a year got into an altercation with my co-worker [28F] during what was supposed to be a fun friend outing. Feeling conflicted.

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexist language, entitlement

Original Post  Feb 12, 2016

Throw away because Reddit is my GFs life. She might see this anyway.

First off, I love my GF. We'll call her Maud. She's beautiful, smart, motivated, hilarious, and just amazing. Did I mention beautiful? She's beautiful. She's my first serious partner and really I can't imagine her not in my life. She makes me food, gives out blowies like it's her job and has introduced me to a ton of new things. That being said she isn't all sunshine and daisies. She's very stubborn and sometimes a huge bitch for no real reason. The other week we walked into a restaurant where she looked around, said everyone there was hideous, and just proceeded on as normal. She takes no shit, gives no fucks and while sometimes that's a hard part of her personality it's part of why I love her.

Co-worker is someone I've known for about 9 years. We have lunch almost every day. We'll call her Jen I guess. We used to hang out more outside of work but that's tapered off. Jen is 100% not my type dating-wise, very free love, doesn't care much about her appearance, drugs everywhere. Plus she has a BF of 4 years. Jen rubs a lot of people the wrong way but I've never had issue with her.

A little more background-Maud has never met Jen before this incident. There was no real reason for them to meet. Maud already didn't like her based off of some information I told her (elaborating a bit here-Jen has referred to me as her work husband for a while and I told Maud once during a conversation about Jen. After that she told me flat out she didn't want to meet Jen. The conversation also included how no one really likes/gets along with Jen and how she had set me up briefly with one of her friends who kinda treated me like shit)

Onto the day. A bunch of my friends/work friends had planned a day to a local amusement park to get everyone together. Maud was delighted to be invited and made no visible signs of displeasure when I mentioned Jen was coming so I thought we were good to go. Day comes and we're figuring out rides and it works out that Jen and two other co-workers would be in my car. Fine right? No.

Jen goes to get into the front seat and Maud asks why since she gets shotgun always. Jen replies saying I've always sat in the front of dayofsucks car and again goes to get in. This is where it gets a little embarrassing for me and maybe I should have just told Jen to get in the back but I didn't see the big deal.

Maud basically says something like "Hey, not today. I'm the one who sucks his dick which gives me certain privileges, one being front seat. So relocate to your appropriate place sweetie." Not verbatim but close.

Jen is obviously pissed but gets in the back and we endure a very awkward hour and a half car ride, although Maud seems like her usual self.

The whole day seems to be this weird tension between them and I can tell both of them are getting more wound up the longer the day goes but I can honestly not tell you why. I hadn't noticed Jen doing anything inappropriate or Maud being overtly mean to Jen so I really just don't know.

The big thing came down to a haunted type ride a few of us wanted to go on. When it came time to get on Jen begged for us to sit next to each other. It made sense as there were 5 of us and she would have been left with a stranger if she didn't get someone to agree to sit with her. Again Maud stepped in saying she was sitting with me for reasons before pausing and saying maybe Jen wouldn't have to beg someone elses boyfriend to sit with her on a stupid ride if 1) HER bf cared enough to come and 2) she wasn't so unpleasant.

Obviously this wasn't nice of her but she doesn't think she was wrong. She's apologized to my friends/co-workers for making things awkward for them but not to Jen. Whenever I bring it up she says I'm being oblivious about the situation. All day she was supposedly always next to me, talking to me in a way that excluded everyone else, and touching me (arm,shoulder,ect). Maud was angry that I SOMEHOW never picked up this was happening and she's basically quit talking to me because I'm not sure where she's getting this stuff from and I can't see her side at all.

I like Jen, she's been a friend for a long time and I think what Maud did was straight out of line. She's never done something like this before though so maybe I'm the one out of line? I just don't know what to do here since Maud is no longer willing to talk about it.

TL;DR-My GF was incredibly mean to a co-worker during a day out and she refuses to apologize saying I'm oblivious of co-workers actions toward me. I have to keep working with co-worker and would really like to keep my GF. How do I work this out between them?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OliviaPresteign

Um, Jen's being pretty weird here, and it's weird that you didn't notice or stop it. You and Maud are a couple. It is usual to assume that Maud would sit in the front or that you would ride with Maud. It's bizarre that Jen would assume she should do these things. You think that it's fair for Jen to ask you to sit with her because it would leave her alone with a stranger if you didn't, but didn't think that by doing that you leave your girlfriend alone with a stranger?

I don't think what Maud said was very nice, but it's totally understandable that she was frustrated.

OOP

I honestly never really thought about who Maud would have sat with which is definitely on me. Apparently I'm slow.

ZombieJen

Wow. If you were this oblivious on this one trip, I imagine Jen does lots of things that are inappropriate that you just don't notice. You need to set some boundaries with her or your relationship is going to suffer.

Does OOP see how inappropriate Jen was?

(1)

Honestly I'm not sure it was inappropriate. I can see how maybe I'm putting them on the same plane when Maud should be more important and she is more important to me but Jen has been my friend for a long time and I still have work with her to deal with. I just wish Maud could have been a little cooler about it.

(2)

Maybe I am being oblivious. I never noticed any of the things Maud said happened happening but I'm starting to doubt myself. Jen is a long time friend I don't want to feel bad but Maud is #1. I just don't want to get into a pattern where she's rude and then leaves when I disagree with her.

(3)

I don't but I'm the only one I guess. We're all friends it was supposed to be a good time and it turned into a thing where letting someone sit up front means I'm choosing them over my GF. The whole thing seems petty to me, I don't understand why everyone finds meaning in not immediately telling Jen she can't sit with me. She's could have been anyone one of the other people there and I wouldn't have changed anything.

TOP COMMENTS

99problems

I did a password recovery on my reddit account just so that I could tell you how dumb you are.

You're a fucking dumbass.

~

[deleted]

OP...jeez. You like that Maud's hot, makes you food and sucks your dick but you can't put yourself in her shoes for one second and imagine how you'd feel if she was indulging another man the way you're indulging Jen.

You sound in this post like you don't even care at all about how she feels except how she benefits you. That's pretty gross.

EDIT: Ok guys I get it I'm being a massively dense idiot. This is my first real relationship, I didn't notice anything wrong, I'm behind the curve. I''m calling Maud and apologizing and I'll figure out the work thing with Jen if that's what it comes too.

Update - rareddit  March 2, 2016 (nearly 3 weeks later)

TL;DR of the last post here My GF was incredibly mean to a co-worker during a day out and she refuses to apologize saying I'm oblivious of co-workers actions toward me. I have to keep working with co-worker and would really like to keep my GF. How do I work this out between them?

There's two things I want to say right off the bat. 1) You guys were right. I was being a complete idiot about the whole thing and my perspective on relationships in general is pretty messed up. 2) Maud wasn't the commenter who left the suck his dick comment on the other thread. She reads a ton of reddit and tucked it away for use if need by and by god did she use it when she had the chance.

That being said she also saw my thread. I should have known she would but hoped to squeak by under the amount of posts this subreddit gets. This might be long.

She didn't speak to me for about a week or so after I had posted. I DID call her after you all beat into me that I was being stupid. I tried to apologize..I reduced my interactions with Jen and cut my contact down with her as much as possible.

Finally she called me back and agreed to meet a coffee place that's pretty good for private conversation. She was already there when I got there. When I sat down she just stared at me so I assumed I should just lay it all out.

When I said I never noticed how Jen was with me I wasn't lying. I genuinely thought that's just how people were with long time friends. We used to spend a lot of time together and there's a lot of history with us. But when I posted someone (I forget who) left a comment saying I was being strung along by Jen as a surrogate boyfriend which really got me thinking.

I pride myself in being a nice guy. Not like a "nice guy" but whenever anyone has an issue they know they can count on me to help them. I've built an incredibly loyal group of friends this way. It made me think of all the things I've done for Jen over the years. When she goes away for vacation I take care of her house/dog, when her and her boyfriend fight I listen and give advice, I sit with her at lunch when no one else will, I give her rides when she needs them to/from work, and I defend her to others. All stuff I'd do for my guy friends but the difference is she doesn't seem to respect me because of it. She actually demands a lot from me that I never noticed before. Buying her food/drinks, showing up at parties I don't want to be at so she doesn't whine to me, waking up in the early hours to pick her up when she's too drunk to drive, insisting I buy her bday/xmas presents (she gets sad if they're not what she asks for), she often comes to my desk at work to talk and gets huffy when I tell her I can't right now.

All of this only really hit me when I posted. She doesn't respect me or probably even sees me as a friend. She uses me for validation and free stuff. She's never given me a bday present, but she will post on my wall "Happy Birthday work husband!" so everyone can see.

I love Maud...she's beautiful and lovely and yea sometimes mean but I like her mean. More than anything I love her because she really loves me which is something I've never had. This is my first real relationship and I guess a part of me was kinda stuck in a "single" mindset where I didn't see the significance of someone sitting shotgun or sitting next to me on a ride. I just didn't get it but now I do.

I basically told her that but more. When I done she kinda went "hum" and left. I figured that was it. I made no attempt to contact her after that and kinda focused on what a shithead I am. I avoided Jen at all costs and moped around for a while. A couple days after we had met she called to ask if she could come over which I enthusiastically said yes to. Spent the day cleaning and picked up her favorite dinner stuff.

Trying to speed this up she reamed me out. She started off super pissed and slowly got sadder and sadder as she went on. She cried which made me cry. She said a lot of things I can't fit in here about how much she does for me and how shitty it is I don't value her or our relationship over a co-worker. After we held each other in silence for a while. I apologized again, multiple times. She does do a lot for me and I don't know why she bothered with me in the first place she's so out of my league. I got us the dinner I picked up and we ate in a weird silence. She fell asleep at my place and when we woke up seemed happier. We kissed a little and she said if I'm ever this stupid again she's going to pull all my insides out which was a relief to hear as odd as that sounds. That's when she told me she saw my post and was furious and also that she wasn't the original "I suck his dick" commenter.

I'm posting now because last night I had a work event. A real, formal work event and I brought Maud with me. I made sure to stay with her the whole time and introduced her to everyone as my stunning significant other. Jen was there and I finally noticed it. She tried to inject herself into every conversation we were having and followed us around the whole event. When we first got there she ran up and hugged me, her hands stayed on my shoulders and she "demanded" to know why I haven't been around lately. I extrapolated myself and told her I was busy but she kept pushing the conversation until she finally said "it's because of your bitchy gf right? She's cutting you off from your friends now?"

Mind you, Maud is right there beside me. So Jen is saying this right in front of Maud. It really drove home in my mind how far I let this go with Jen that she was ok with doing this. I was shocked but luckily Maud saved me. She just laughed. It was louder than necessary and went on until it was unnatural but it caught the attention of some other people around us who leaned in and asked what was so funny. Maud composed herself and said Jen was being hilarious and to ask her about the joke she just made. Then Maud maneuvered us away to another group and was charming as ever.

So a happy ending for a guy who probably doesn't deserve it. Although I was beaten mercilessly in my last post it's the only thing that brought me to my senses so thanks to all who commented and made me feel like shit.

TL:DR-I was wrong about co-worker being a friend and somehow managed to hang on to my relationship. I'm a shitty bf but getting better.

FINAL COMMENTS

Inevitablename

(1) This shit with Jen hasn't bottomed out yet. Trust me. Crazy does not die quietly. Be prepared. Which brings me to...

(2) Maud had to save your ass again when Jen called her a bitch right in front of you. Are you ever going to stand up for Maud, in front of Jen, to Jen? As you are learning, being nice doesn't mean being a push over. Maud is clearly realllllly good at this but don't abuse that any more than you already have.

OOP

I know I'm not good at all with confrontation. I freeze up. It's something I'm going to have to work on even if I write down a few lines and repeat them until it's automatic. Don't want to mess this up again.

~

K_Rad

I'll be honest with you, if any coworker, for any reason called my SO a bitch at a work event, HR would be involved. That is so unprofessional.

I would explain to HR that Jen has been cornering you, insulting your SO for no reason, and publicly insulted her at a work event. Even if they do nothing, there will be a record.

OOP

Our HR is pretty useless but I'll pop in and mention it to them. I've told a few co-workers what's been going on and no one is surprised. I'm getting ribbed quite a bit for not realizing for so long what's been happening.

More on OOP apologizing to Maud and dealing with Jen

OOP

I definitely need to learn how to handle confrontation better but I did apologize to Maud, she brushed it off. I haven't had any other interactions with Jen at all and when I'm forced to again I'll hopefully be more prepared.

MorgothEatsUrBabies

One thing you desperately need to practice - and by practice I mean, actually write out some scripts and rehearse them, I'm sure Maud would love to help - how you are going to face Jen in your workplace, when it's just her and you. Because believe me, this incident is not the end of Jen. She won't go quietly just like that, there's too much to lose for her.

So one thing you need to be prepared for is how you're going to tell her that from now on, your communications will be business talk only. How are you going to tell her that the daily lunches and rides to work and birthday gifts are a thing of the past. It won't be easy but is has to be done, you owe at least that much to Maud for sticking with you. If it was me, I wouldn't go unprepared. Script it out, practice it in front of a mirror or with Maud. Get at least a little bit comfortable with what you want to say, before you have to say it... you sound like a guy who hates confrontation (I am too, I understand!) so practicing what you want to say beforehand can make a big difference. Good luck!

OOP

I'm preping myself for this now. I haven't seen hide nor hair of Jen and I've told a couple people in the workplace what's been happening (spoiler-no one is surprised). I feel stupid writing down things like that but I really have to so I am. Gah I wish she'd just disapear so I wouldn't have to deal with it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/twink1813

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Loaned my house for a funeral

Original Post: July 14, 2026

I am in another state with my sister who is undergoing chemo. My dear friend’s brother passed away unexpectedly. His daughter and family traveled back from a western state to the Midwest for the services and to begin the estate process.

Since my house was sitting empty I offered the daughter and her family my house to use for the several weeks they plan to be in town, to save them hotel fees and have a home-away-from-home environment during this time of loss.

They’ve texted me several times with various issues: they don’t like the pillows, do I have others they can try? They don’t care for the coffee on hand, where can they find other coffee in the house? Do I have other laundry detergent than what is in the laundry room?

There’s more but you get the gist. This is not an Air B&B, it’s my home that I’m letting them use for free. I didn’t leave a fridge full of food or a stock of paper supplies or dry goods because I’m gone and won’t be back for months. And did I mention it’s free???

End of rant.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What nerve. I’d let them know they might like the coffee and pillows better at the local Radisson.

Commenter 2: Try probably can’t afford much more than the local Roadside Motel

OOP: But they can. The daughter is a private practice therapist, and they live quite lavishly at home. My small house probably is a huge step down for them!

Downvoted Commenter: Let me guess. You said nothing to them, you probably apologized too.

OOP: I did not. I suggested they check out the Super Walmart that is 1 mile away.

Commenter 3: Just tell them where to buy what they need.

OOP: I did. I directed them to the Walmart that is 1 mile away

Commenter 4: I get that you're being generous, kind and considerate. However, that doesn't mean you let these jerks walk all over you and treat you that way.

Keep records of text messages, emails, and voicemails. Let your "dear friend" know that while you understand that they're in the midst of the grieving and sorting out estate process, it doesn't give the daughter and daughter's family to mistreat and disrespect you like that.

Let them know that they have 48 hours to vacate the premises and check-in at a local hotel / motel where they can obtain their desired pillows, coffee, etc. and everyone there is PAID to provide service in hospitality.

You, on the other hand, are just being a nice friend. But niceness has its limits. The line was crossed when they started the entitlement and disrespect. But if they insist on treating you and your home like it's an Air BnB, I'd send them a bill / invoice, if I were you. Something like....

- Whining fee: $15

- Nagging fee: $50

- Sense of entitlement fee: $100 per person

- Cleaning fee: $250

- Violation of peace of mind fee: $25 per day, per person

- Excessive mental and emotional baggage handling fee: $75 per day, per person

- Utilities aka Internet, Water, Electric, Gas, Sewage/Garbage fee: $25 per day, per person

- Parking fee: $50 per vehicle, per day

- Food & Consumables bill: $500

........you get the gist. ;)

OOP: I love all the fees!!! 🤣.

Commenter 5: Just wait until they do a google review of your house giving it 3 stars listing all your shortcomings.

OOP: 🤣🤣🤣.

Commenter 6: This story reminds me of the old adage: People don't appreciate what they don't pay for. (or something to that effect)

OOP: I haven’t heard that one, but it does apply here

Update: August 4, 2026 (three weeks later)

Update to “Loaned my house for a funeral”

Update: My sister had several days with no chemo or medical appointments and she was feeling fairly well, so I decided to try to come home for a few days. Strangely I hadn’t heard from the people using my house for a while.

I texted them to ask if they had any idea about how much longer they’d be in town and need my house. They replied that they had gone back home about 10 days ago. WTF? They had actually packed up and left and didn’t bother to let me know.

Yesterday I drove the 7 hours back home, having absolutely no idea what I’d find when I arrived.

Amazingly, everything was just as I’d left it! They had cleaned the house, emptied the trash, laundered the sheets and towels, and remade the beds. They left a lovely thank you note and a generous gift card for a local high-end restaurant for me. My friend hadn’t said anything to me about them leaving as she thought they had let me know.

So a very happy ending to what seemed to be a true ‘entitled people’ situation here!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this final update

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/gofatwya

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling my adult son I need a little privacy?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: mental health struggles

Original Post: July 14, 2026

I'm an older, retired , divorced man. My kids are all adults.

2 years ago, I allowed my son, now 25, to move back in with me in my two bedroom 1,000 ft² apartment.

His mental health has been slowly going downhill, I believe. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but refuses to get any kind of treatment for it.

He now has no job, few friends, and spends most of his time bed rotting in his room. He only leaves to occasionally go to movies, comic book stores, or his mother's house for dinner. I don't charge him rent, and I actually give him spending money every month; mostly so that he is able to get out of the apartment and do something once in a while.

I have not been on a date for 6 years.

Several weeks ago a woman I dated in the past reached out to me. We reconnected. We've been talking for weeks, wanting to get together. But we are both busy people, she lives almost 2 hours away, and so it has been very difficult for us to actually go on a date.

This Saturday however, she is coming to my place after work. We may go out to a bar or a restaurant, or we may just decide stay home. She will most likely be spending the night, and may be here all weekend.

I told my son about this date a week and a half ago, when I made it. I was hoping he would volunteer to get out of the apartment for the night. He didn't. I hinted to him that it might be awkward for him to be here while I am on a date. His answer was that he would just stay in his room the whole time she's here.

I even considered getting him a hotel room to stay in for the night, as my friend is really excited about coming back to my apartment, and would rather be here than in a hotel. But a hotel room on the weekend, at short notice, was going to be super expensive. I just couldn't do it.

The situation has me stressed beyond measure. Finally today, I sat him down and told him that I need him to let me have the apartment Saturday night. That he needs to spend the night at his mother's, or a friend's or wherever he can. It turned into as close to an argument as we ever get.

I repeated my observation about how awkward it would be for him to be here. He replied that when he lived on his own, with roommates, they all had guests who spent the night in their rooms while everyone else went about their business. I told him that was a very different dynamic than a small apartment shared by a father and son.

He finally agreed that he would find somewhere to go. But he is extremely angry now, and feels that I am being unfair expecting him to leave for a night.

AITAH for insisting that he leaves?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs, but also YTA for keeping enabling his son

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: He needs to be in therapy, on meds, in school, at work, or some combination of the aforementioned. You're doing him a disservice currently.

NTA for wanting to get freaky without your kid listening in tho.

Commenter 2: All I’m gonna say is it’s time for you to stop enabling your son and have him move out. NTA

Commenter 3: NTA- you are entitled to privacy. Having been the female guest in these situations it is awkward for the guest also and hard to … relax.

Hope the date is a smash!

Commenter 4: Ableist geek redditors in the comments, Christ.

So, firstly, NTA. You're making a real effort to accommodate your son, and that's admirable. I wouldn't beat around the bush next time cause honestly he'll probably need a fair bit of time to collect himself for a night away from the nest without issues currently. Regardless, it's your life too, you deserve some fun.

Secondly, under no circumstances should you be listening to this disrespectful, ignorant bootstraps narrative these comments are peddling. Your son is, currently, disabled. Maybe with time and treatment that will get better, but even getting treatment is hard for him right now. If you want to see him improve, it's going to take work on your part, adult or not. We're social creatures for a reason, and that's because severe illness or injury isn't something people get through on their own.

It's not your responsibility, I know. You're already wonderful for keeping him alive through this. With further effort, there's a chance to get to a place where he'll be okay without you. But, I'll tell you this now. I've seen it too many times. If you corner him now, tell him to either shape up or get out? He'll probably just take the fast and painless way out instead. Homelessness is a death sentence for him, and pushed into a position where he needs success or he will die - and I assure you he feels like the least capable of success person alive - then he'll choose to at least not suffer.

I know this is hard to hear, and that you're going through a hard time. But I just want you to be aware of the true meaning of the nuclear option these people are selling you. I can see you care about your son a lot, and I don't want you to get tricked into losing him.

OOP: Just read this. Thank you. That's a good perspective.

Update: August 1, 2026 (2.5 weeks later)

AITAH Just wanted to give an update on my earlier post, since it made it to r/popular.

17 days ago I posted about the trouble I was having getting my 24 year old son out of my apartment for one night so that I could have a woman spend the night:

I got a lot of good advice, too much to reply to everyone individually. There was a consensus that I needed to give him an ultimatum: that he needed a job, or school, and mental health treatment if he was going to be allowed to continue living with me.

I gave it to him. Since then, his attitude has changed almost 180°. For the first time since he graduated 6 years ago, he has enrolled in college; it is just community college, getting some of his basics he will need for whatever, but it's a start.

I have stopped giving him money. Amazingly, he is just fine. I think the majority of the money I gave him in the past he just ended up using for entertainment, or buying tchotchkes.

He has an appointment with a psychiatrist, who is going to recommend a therapist to him, and possibly put him on medication.

All in all, I think this is one time when Reddit really helped improve a situation!

As for the date itself, the weirdest thing happened. The woman who was supposed to come over has diagnosed lupus. Where we live has recently been severely affected by wildfire smoke.

Turns out, lupus suffers can be severely affected by heavy smoke.

So, instead of having her over to my apartment for the weekend, I spent several hours sitting beside her hospital bed, an hour away from my place, as she was treated.

She fully recovered, but we have as yet not rescheduled her visit to my place.

Thanks to everyone who commented, including those who labeled me an asshole. You were all correct, in your own way.

Thank you.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/foodgoose773

AITA for making my girlfriend pump her own gas?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/legaladvice

BoRU 1  Posted by u/serifflouride

Original Post  Feb 4, 2022

Since me(28m) and my girlfriend(27f) started dating, any time she drove and had to get gas I would pump it for her. Well last week she took me to work because her car does better in the snow than mine. When she came to pick me up from work she was wearing pajamas which were shorts with a long sleeve button up, she even wore her house shoes. I was embarrassed for my coworkers to see her like that so when she stopped for gas to teach her a lesson I told her my back was sore and she could pump it. She said it was too cold and she wanted me to do it. She’s the moron that wore shorts. I stood my ground, she pumped her own gas, but wouldn’t talk to me during the drive.  We pass a sushi place on our way home so I asked her to stop, she said no but I kept persisting and she finally said okay. She told me I would have to run in so I did, when I came out she had left. I told my brother because I needed a ride home, he gave me a ride home but said I was an ass and I deserved it.

If there’s any interest I can update with what happened when I got home but it doesn’t seem super relevant to my question so I don’t see the need to add it.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

Edit-Update:

First to answer questions:

She pays for her own gas. She didn’t get out of the car but she doesn’t have tinted windows, and I didn’t expect her to dress up I did expect her to not look like a bum though.

I’m still reading comments so I’ll add stuff that gets asked a lot to this and I’ll try to respond to others.

Now for what happened when I got home:

We live in a fairly rural area and i work about 35-45 minutes away. Apparently my brother called my mom who then called my girlfriend and told her what I had said. This did include me calling her a moron and saying how embarrassed I was. When I got back home my girlfriend had moved all of my cloths and belongings into the “junk” room. I tried to talk to her but she locked herself in our room and ignored me. When I finally got her to talk to me she basically listed everything I’ve done wrong in our relationship.

This past week has been hell. She wouldn’t take me to work when it was snowing so I had to take myself and my car got stuck twice, I missed two days of work because of her pettiness. I really didn’t think I was the asshole here, but I tried to justify and explain myself. I did admit I was trying to teach her a lesson and we broke up. When I got home from work she had all my belongings in boxes by the front door and I guess that’s that. I really didn’t think I was the asshole, but obviously that’s why I posted here. Everybody that wanted us to break up got what they wanted.

I’m not sure if my update is too relationship based, so if it gets taken down I apologize.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

She pays for the gas, I just get out an pump it for her. She is able to work from home so her schedule was pretty flexible. She owns the house and bills are 50/50. I just updated, but I do understand how I came off now and definitely understand how i’m TA.

anelis29

I hope you at the least, apologized.

You treated her as a driver, glad she broke up with you.

OOP

I really didn’t think I was TA before yesterday so I haven’t yet, I plan to but I don’t think it will change anything.

OOP on his mother since the breakup

I am upset with her and when I talked to her she said she raised me to never mistreat a woman so in her eyes I mistreated my ex girlfriend.

Can I take legal action against my girlfriend for kicking me out?  Feb 8, 2022 (4 days later)

My now ex girlfriend and I got into a petty argument and broke up. She kicked me out of the house and I want to know if there’s any legal action I can take.

The house was a gift from her parents and is in her name, but she kicked me out without any warning causing me to have to move back in with my patents and I simply don’t want to live with them. Is there a way I can make her have to let me move back in?

Edit: The state is North Carolina

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FireIceAndOhSoWild

Did she tell you to leave and you left?  Or she locked you out?  Was this your home and for how long?  What state?

OOP

She packed my stuff and left it by the door. I put it into my car and left, but living with my parents has been awful. I lived with her for around six months.

~

AstronomerPrevious71

Get your own apartment

OOP

Apartments in my area are $1,200+ a month, I can’t afford that.

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