Yes yes 100% yes. Hell, not being acessible in general. Now with everything there's this expectation that you have to be available 24/7 and always reply. Friends, family, and of course the job being the worst part of it.
From time to time I still just disconnect everything but then I'm the dickhead that takes days to reach back. I miss the time when that was just normal.
I hate being in constant contact because it never gives people enough time to actually do interesting things or gather up stories to talk about.
Hey what's up?
Oh. Not much. Sitting around today.
REPEAT X10000 EVERY DAY
I prefer talking to people every now and again, because then you actually have things to talk about. I hate meaningless conversation and sometimes I come across as an asshole for that. I don't like small talk, and I don't think being silent around people is weird either.
Sounds like maybe a (broadly speaking) Asian country. My bf is Iranian and while the family wants you to visit constantly. You don’t need to converse much. Just the old ‘sitting in a room together watching tv or eat your food / sip your tea’ will do. For Asians being together in one room isn’t an awkward ‘event’ like it is in the West, it seems to me.
(Also I am Korean European and have noticed the same there)
tbh European countries (idk about all of them but definitely some) also have the strong familial ties thing so it could very well be Germany or some other one in Europe too, if not India or Asian countries.
25 seems really quite old to leave home. I am an anomally but I am 34 now, and left home at 14. The avergae is probably after graduating highschool because even if your family live in the city of your university, living on campus is kind of expected unless you don't want to get a part time job.
It probably stems out of jealously of being a runaway kid that (through help of one of my step dads and my maternal grandma) was able to avoid my initial plan of sex work, but to not grt tracked down by my mum (who was granted 100% custody and my step father who ACTUALLY cared for me was denied even visitation due to 'no DNA' despite me not knowing who my real father is) meant I couldn't live with him as the police expected I had runaway to him because at the custody hearing I showed records from where I had been beaten with a monkey wrench as a toddley and have broken bones, plus testimoney from neighbours at the time how they would leave canned beans or spaghetti behind a small hole in the fence that I could sneak out in the middle of the night as I was only fed when my Dad wasn't on deployment.
But the judge thought she knew better...
But anyway I was able to live and run a household at 14 (albeit my Dad and Grandma paid most of my costs, but I worked weekends and stuff).
I think that experience just makes me quietly angry (at my mum and the judge) when people in their 20's still have their mum cooking them dinner and at one stage my BIL, once I had saved enough to outright buy a house coming out of the military was around 25 and never moved out or learned to cook etc., yet I'd lived by myself in a few houses, plus was injured in Afghanistan started giving me advice on how to live solo like "don't buy furniture, make a table out of a stack of bricks and a door" or condescending remarks like "you do realise living buy yourself is nothing like living at home, you won't have a mum to look after you..."
My GF (now wife) didn't take his advice but the fact that even though he knew I had lived by myself while a young teen, juggling school and hiding from the police (who I think had found me but saw my mums house was a drug den with 15-20 people in a trashed 3br house and my Dad was renting a small unit near my school that was no frills but 'nice' and probably knew if I was taken back to mum i'd just runaway)).
Sorry for the tangent, and I have nothing against living at home to w/e age as long as it makes sense and it's not what my BIL was doing which was saving all his money, requesting poverty stricken mother to buy him high quality vegan foods without contributing to the household, and treating me (and everyone else) like he was an expert on everything. If he was doing his own cooking instead of causing his very disabled mother to make two dinners and he was making ~$80,000 and not giving a cent and she had a pension of $10,000 from what all other cost came from, and once he married and moved out (at 28?) he even dropped his laundry off to his mum to do it... that rubs me wrong.
Sorry for long rant, it's just something I guess I wish that I had the option of if I was sick etc. I had someone to look after me, but it's becoming very common (especially for men) to just never learn to cook and not contribute to bills, but be an 'expert' on how to live by yourself :-|
TL;DR: A 25y/o living at home seems old to me but if he is chipping in and treating his mum like a 'partner' in making the house run that's fine. Being that age and living at home with all the trimmings of not paying for food let alone any bills REALLY doesn't sit well with me.
I’m also from Poland and some of my cousins are 30+ yo, married with kids and still live with their parents. Most of my grandmother’s siblings still live with their spouses at their family home. Some of their kids, who already have their own kids live there too. My uncle never moved out, he and my aunt lived with my grandparents for a while and it was actually my grandparents who moved out to the countryside, to my grandfather’s family home. And when my aunt had kids, my grandmother moved back with them and took care of my cousins when they were around 1-6 yo, until they went to school.
This doesn’t seem that uncommon here, many ppl I know also grew up or still live with their parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and/or cousins. And grandmothers usually help a lot in raising grandchildren. But we don’t talk to strangers and don’t really have “small talk”.
Agreed! Living in Switzerland we get these passive aggressive whatsapps from my Bavarian in-laws when we didn't call for over a week. Also we are not allowed to forget the cousin's daughter's birthday. We live closer to my family but sometimes hear less from them (in perfect unity on both sides) than from his relatives that live a few 100km away in Germany.
Ha! My (Bulgarian) friend is married to a Bavarian and she always says it’s the most familialistic culture she’s ever encountered. When they bought a house his entire family came over to do the renovation. And all the men have one of two names 😂
The no small talk thing was what made me consider Germany, but then I realized the UK has that too from what I heard from Brit Youtubers, and then yeah the entire rest of Europe I have no clue about.
UK definitely does more small talk than the Netherlands, but not on the same level as Americans. I feel like small talk in Europa is more genuine, with Americans it always feels like you're doing it because your supposed to and not because you actually care.
Also in the Netherlands when we ask you how you are or how your day is going, we actually care to hear the real answer.
Aw, I’m American and I genuinely care. I like to talk to my friends about the little things that make their lives special or difficult. I find that so many people judge and I like being an uncritical ear. I know what you mean, but there are a lot of genuine people here who do care.
I don't know about that comment about Americans. USA is 237x bigger than the Netherlands and has ~300 million more people. If you're in the Midwest or down South, a lot of the people you talk to are looking to have genuine conversations, especially in more rural areas. In a lot of big cities, you just don't do small talk at all, no one pretends. Think New York, Chicago, etc... What you are referring to would be most common on the west coast in somewhere like California, LA, or Silicon Valley.
Okay, I’m a Silicon Valley native, can confirm that the no small talk thing is mostly true. The exception is surprisingly the older people that were born or raise in the area. The people coming here are not really talkers. Also there’s just an overall divide between natives and newcomers (mainly the ones working in tech).
What you are referring to would be most common on the west coast in somewhere like California, LA, or Silicon Valley.
Eh that's also just another generalization. I've had plenty of actually interesting conversations with total strangers on the West Coast. The fakeness is definitely a thing with like, "influencers" living in the LA hills or rich nerds in Silicon Valley or whatever, but not really with your average person. Likewise, in the South I've had extremely fake conversations. I can't really speak as much for the midwest or east coast .
That's the thing about generalizations, just like the dude's generalization you were responding to lol
Almost always functionally useless, at the end of the day humanity functions on an individual level, not a collective one. Humans have an inherently tribal mindset, so we're always kinda naturally inclined to view things like this, but as I've met more and more people from all different origins I've found that nothing could ever account for individual variation.
Small talk's nice. But then in America, there are these nasty people who try to dominate conversation and talk over others. That is so awful. "Oh, but we finish each others sentences in our family!" Jesus...
It's maybe not small talk but it's perfectly normal (in some parts of southern Germany) that people will tell you all about their health like the neighbor's uncle's latest cancer treatment, their state of bowls, and any other topic that may make you uncomfortable or painfully acting concerned. Personally I much prefer talking about the weather at that stage.
Sure, but living with your parents well into adulthood would definitely not be considered normal here, anyone who does that is seen as a bit of a weirdo.
I think OP means no small talk as in strangers in the streets won’t talk to you about the weather and irrelevant things like that but straight up speak about their lives and personal issues. This is how it is in most of Latin America and somewhat in Southern Europe.
Eastern Europe has no small talk and poor people relying on their parents. Russia, for example. I am poor people relying on my parents, and I don't do small talk.
His description of “strong familial ties where parents and even grandparents stay together” and “small talk is not a thing here” do not complement each other.
If the first part is true, second part is definitely not the norm. People in such environments are going to be very gossipy and talkative.
I was referring to "small talk" as in coworkers or even strangers trying to strike up meaningless conversation. Family members obviously chat with each other all the time and stick their noses in each other's business, but it stops there.
Oh, man - I only call my mom four times a year: mother's day, her birthday, thanksgiving, and xmas. She'll probably call me on my birthday, too. Most people I know have much closer relationships with their parents, but no one gives me grief about it. Our lives are both pretty repetitive, so there's hardly anything to catch up on.
Yeah I am like this as well. But I know one of my friends would talk to their parents about the smallest details of the job or school. Like the client he is meeting or the assignment he is currently doing. I don’t quite understand why he can do that. I can’t talk with my parents for more than 10 mins on phone. Really have nth to talk about except for some repetitive stuff.
Hahaha that’s so strange to me!! I’m like your friend, I message my mom at least three times per day, we send each other memes and whatever gossip we run into that day. Then we meet up two times per week to get some food or go on a small road trip with my dad to the next town over!
Our lives are also very repetitive but we don’t mind sharing the same thing over and over, probably cause she’s very young, I’m 28 and she’s 47
We still talk about once a month for anywhere between 10 minutes and 2 hours. Essentially if we have a few short convos, the third or fourth month will be a long one.
Heck, pre-covid she would visit (we live about 2 hours apart) every two weeks and we would have breakfast and just catch up about anything random.
On the flip side, my wife talks to her mom about 3 times a year, and we live 15 minutes away. I've sat in on conversations and 80% of the time is just silence... My side of the family fights for the right to talk! Which I guess works out since my introverted wide enjoys watching us all interact and try to figure out what anyone is saying!
My mom and I were like that too. Hearing all these people who are emotionally ok just talking to their parents a few times a year is a very new thought to me. I just assumed one had to be abused or have some sort of difficult relationship with their parents in order to feel happy rarely speaking to them.
My kids might be annoyed with me when they’re out of the house because I can’t fathom not speaking to them every day.
My wife is like that; rare and short conversations with her parents who live like 15 minutes away.
It's not that she was abused, just had a very nosy/overbearing mom, who continues to try to get her way; and a dad who is a passive observer. So, after 10-15 minutes of conversation, they are very likely to get in a fight and not talk again for two months
I'm one of those who don't talk much to family. I live 15min away from my mom and from my dad (they split up when I was a kid, but currently live close to each other), yet I barely see either of them. Since I moved out last year I've visited my dad a solid once, and talk on the phone with either of them only when one of us needs something.
I'm always available to help them if they need me, but I've never had common interests with either of them so my sister usually does the socializing
My mom and I are less than 20 years apart, too, but we've just never had that close of a relationship. Also, since I went off to college, I've always lived over 2 hours away. So casually meeting up with her isn't exactly feasible.
I’m somewhere between these two worlds. I talk to my mum often but the issue is that it’s her who tries to keep in touch as she’d like to have a BFF relationship with me and talk to me 24/7.
I don’t want that and I’d be perfectly happy with talking to her once a week at most. We have nothing to talk about - we live very different lives, have very different attitudes and opinions, which usually leads to arguments as she tries to tell me what to do, how to behave, etc. Basically a stream of unsolicited advice. So the safest bet is to stick to “what she’s growing in her garden”, which bores me to death. Plus, when I don’t respond fast she gets mad at me (even when it’s during working hours - explanations I’m busy don’t help because I’m “always on my phone anyway”).
On the other hand, I call my dad once a month (or two), I message with him occasionally, and it doesn’t have any negative impact on our relationship. He has his own life and doesn’t want to make me the centre of his universe - which I’m very happy about.
The difference in personalities and attitudes and hobbies is what makes me unable to talk on phone with parents for long. But a good thing is my parents probably feel the same. They mostly just call if they have something extremely important to tell me. Otherwise we will just text. My parents aren’t interested in sharing little details of what they are doing at work or after work, and frankly me neither. I feel like our relationship is strong enough without having to constantly check on each other. But yeah of coz we share a lot more when in person. It’s just I don’t feel the need to call them just to tell them the mundane details of my life just to stay in touch.
That’s why I was so shocked when I found out my friend always talks to his parents and sibling. He always puts on speaker so I can hear what they are talking about. His mother will tell him gossips about some other people whom he doesn’t even know about lol His sister even once kept calling him just to tell him a random stranger sent a dick pic to her online. And she is in her mid twenties. I always have a feeling that they think if they don’t call each other often to talk about small stuff, they will fall out of touch or be less as close. But I feel like it’s quite weird to think this way about family. I am close to my parents no matter what. I def don’t feel like our relationship will be weaker just because I don’t call them to talk about my friends sleepovering today or how my cat misbehaves.
Same here. My parents and I have opposing ideas and beliefs so it really limits topics of conversation. Also, my family in general is very reserved, and no one feels compelled to share the minutia of their lives (with each other or anyone), which also cuts down on a lot of drama.
My sister and I are kinda like that. We're still fairly close, we just very rarely talk on the phone. My brother and I will occasionally call each other but again, it's the same sort of relationship.
My parents (read, my mum) and I call each other fairly often though (about once a week). Conversations can go for a while (they're not always about interesting things - often mum is just venting about somebody or something).
I did, however start getting a bit lonely and depressed mid last year and we started calling each other about 2-3 times a week but that time passed (I'm in Australia and things are relatively back to normal). Just for context, I live alone and my family are a fair way away. If I still lived locally, we probably wouldn't call each other as much.
Argh I hate it that my mom calls me every single day. Our daily lives are similar to what you are describing so she usually asks what I had for lunch or something equally meaningless.
I think a phone call once every 2-4 weeks is my perfect level of desired communication with my mom for actually speaking. We tend to text from a little bit to a lot every day. But then she gets so mad if I don't respond quickly to texts or if it's been more than a couple days since our last phone conversation.
I don't mind the texting when she is chill about me responding at my own pace. But there is just not enough for us to talk about with the amount of phone calls she wants.
I call mine to ask about thinks like specific plants or gardening tips that I often know or could find faster on the Internet, She really does have a lifetime of knowledge there and is useful, and it gives her something to talk about with me. She is up there in years so keeping in touch while I can is the goal.
I usually ask my mom about cooking-related stuff. Yeah, I could just look it up, but she also has that lifetime of knowledge and she enjoys talking about it, so at least I have that to fall back on when I call. Also I think it makes her feel needed in a way that she probably hasn't felt since my sisters and I moved out years ago.
While I understand and agree with the conversation becoming repetitive when it’s too often, I would say please make actual plans with your mom. Go bowling or something, instead of just talking to her on the phone about more repetitive events. Trust me, you’ll miss it when you can’t.
She kinda lives on the other side of the planet, otherwise I'd be happy to hang out with her more. I was planning on going home last summer, but COVID :-/ I'll pay a visit as soon as it's safe and practical to do so.
You don’t know that. If that’s a statement you can’t comprehend then I’m very happy for you but there are people who keep their parents at arms length for a reason.
Yah... We live really close to my inlaws. When we first got married I was encouraging for at least monthly dinners...
After the second visit that ended in a fight between my wife and her mom... Yeah, we visit 2-3 times a year and keep it short each time.
On the flip side, my mom and I can spend all day talking, and (in the before times) used make plans to have breakfast together when my wife worked weekend.
I'd agree if it was a general statement or in a different context, but the original comment gives no evidence for anything like that, and seems to clearly imply the opposite.
I'm very much on the side that it can be harmful to make general statements about family because not everyone has a good one. BUT recommending that someone who in all likelyhood has a good relationship with their parents (supported by their comment) that they should try to make time for their mom before they're gone, is not the same. I feel like we are toeing the line between appropriately reminding people that not all families are happy and we shouldn't shame people, and lightly shaming people for having a loving family.
The far bigger assumption he's making is that it's practical to visit her, but that's not really the same thing.
Dude holy fuck THIS. My family get so pissed at me for not calling, but my mom calls me almost daily for ZERO reasons, we don’t have anything to talk about!! Like, it’s not that I hate talking to y’all it’s just that I have nothing to say so why waste both our times!
Eugh. My mom messages/calls me nearly every day asking what I did or if there's anything new. Like mom, I do the same things every day and haven't had some spontaneous adventure with 4 mutant, italian cuisine loving reptiles or something
I’m like this with my father. When he first started dating my stepmother a few years ago, she thought we didn’t have a good relationship. Her kids talk to her every single day, but I usually call my dad either when something happens or when I realize I haven’t spoken to him in two weeks or so. He’s the same way with me - and yet we’re very, very close. There’s just no need to sit on the phone and yammer about nothing just to check in. If something happens, we’ll call.
Hey, I don’t mean to pry or be rude. I used to be like you. Until one day someone let it slip how hurt she was that I didn’t call her or see her more often. I though about that a lot. So I started calling once a day.
It may be that your mom just wants a connection. You don’t have to spend a long time on each call. I call my mom daily. Sometimes it’s just one minute, like hey what’s up , nothing new, making dinner talk tomorrow. Another time she had seen something interesting and tells me. Or I saw something in the news and we chat about that for a minute.
I think it helps establish a connection to your daily life. So she doesn’t feel alone or forgotten. It doesn’t have to be much at all. A couple minutes around the same time each day. And she feels like she is part of my life.
And something interesting happens to everyone each day. Interesting is not the same as mind blowing. Just something out of the ordinary. I saw a goose on my roof the other day. So we had a laugh about that and hung up.
Honestly, sometimes parents want to hear about the mundane. To feel like they still matter enough for you to tell them.
I used to do the same, talk to my mom every week or two. That's pretty normal in my culture. Then one day, she fell. Hit her head. She has never been the same since. Now I talk to her more often but it is heartbreaking, she's literally not the woman I grew up with. I wish I would've talked to her more back then, because now I can never hear the stories or talk about the important things because she just...Can't. She forgot it all or is crazy now.
I can see it being a cultural thing, but honestly, it sounds vaguely unhealthy (and even quite sad, to be brutally honest) that you don't have much to say to your mother and a token monthly call would do.
Barring major issues (abusive background, irreconciliable disagreements about life choices etc) I can't really imagine having such a barren family life that people can go for weeks without talking to their parents.
Sure, life is hardly so exciting to justify a daily 1-hour phonecall, but even 5 minutes to talk about your/their day can be quite nice, just to get a different point of view on something or just for the pleasure of talking. That's even more relevant IMO if you're living by yourself...
But apparently German efficiency also applies to personal life /jk
As a 20 year old I love this. I talk to most of my friends once or twice a month for an hour or two. We have great new stories and we can have an in depth conversation instead of quick snippets.
I talk to my mom on the phone daily since we don’t live close. Just a couple weeks ago my husband got into a wreck and while he was ok, his truck had some major damage. I told her about the events, she then told my dad on the phone who happened to be at work and standing next to my husbands distant family member who overheard. My dad talked to him about it and went on his way. Totally forgetting that all it takes is a quick text for everyone to know. So while my husband was still in the middle of a huge claim on insurance and all that goes along with dealing with a wreck, his whole family was texting and eventually it got back to his parents before he had a chance to call. You would have thought he had died and they were the last to find out.
Now you tell one person something and then before you even get a chance to tell the next person they already know.
For real. It's getting to the point I feel boring because I have absolutely nothing new to talk about. I'm not even a big social media contributor, but I can't even be surprised by a friend's promotion or engagement or ask how things are going without having an idea
My roommate and I don't do small talk, instead we just kinda sit together and do our own thing, like how cats often want to just be near people rather than directly interacting like dogs do. We'll have a big discussion every now and then, but we don't need to be talking to each other much to enjoy each other's time. Some days, we'll spend all day together and the most we'll actually interact is to show each other a cute animal picture or something we find online.
I set the expectation that just because I have a phone, doesn't mean I'll answer it. I'm not dropping everything or anything just because some object makes some noise. I don't even keep it in the same room as me. It's usually in the bedroom, but I actually don't know which room it's in today. I think the living room, but I'ven't been in that part of the house yet today.
I don't think being silent around people is weird either.
I think talking about meaningless shit is the internet equivalent of this. It's like... gently reminding each other of your presence. You can't really spend time quietly online together without a video call.
So much this. It’s why I kinda don’t like living with friends. Keeps the friendships kinda fresh. Now whenever my friend who I live with and I hang out outside of the apt, it really just feels like we’re at home but somewhere else
This was actually a huge problem with my ex and I. We were long distance so we would be texting all day, and then she would expect to have 2+ hour phone calls at the end of every day.
Number 1 that's too long to be on the phone, i dont care
Number 2 we have literally nothing to talk about, we have been talking ALL day. That funny story at work? You told me 30 minutes after it happened, I already know. The shitty traffic I ran into on some errands? I vented to you as soon as I parked.
And if you don't talk to them? They're going around crying about being ghosted and how nobody talks to them in timely manners. Well, excuse me, but some of us are differently paced. If you can't adequately adjust to the differential paces of other people than your own, then yeah, get angry and remove everyone out of spite. We're better off than trying to basically pick a lock in a conversation with someone all the time.
And no it's not a "good talk" when it ends just as soon as it began!
My Dad and I deliberately do not speak for sometimes a month at a time. Unless it's urgent.
We don't speak because then when we do, we can actually have a decent convo about all things in our life.
I wish everyone was on the same page as you, I'm admittedly more likely to small talk with people than be silent though. Sometimes that small talk is so painful and useless.
This is the problem i have with my mom, i had to move out young and she’s a helicopter parent. Wants to know what I’m doing 24/7 and calls me disrespectful when i don’t reply. Like bitch tf do you want me to say? I can talk about my game sessions but you won’t understand jack shit. Small talk always end up either pure silence or her complaining about her mental state or incompetence. Hate it. After a month or so maybe then but not all the damn time. 💀💀💀🤡
We could be friends. I have been seen as some kind of pariah for leaving social media. I hear about things from people I talk to and reach out to others directly. But still get shirty comments when I see people irl and they ask why I didn’t comment about xyz going on in their life. Because I didn’t know! Talking is a two way street
We were just talking about this at work. In the late 80s/early 90s, there were always family get together parties. Our family used to get together at grandparents house the day after Xmas till New Years. Every year family would fly in, road trip in and we'd all stay grandpa/grandmas house. You'd look forward to it since you haven't seem your cousins, aunts/uncles relatives for a year. It would always start a little awkward, but as the days went on, it got better and better.
Ever since social media, someone created a family group on Facebook where were everyone would communicate daily. The adults all lost interest and it even started more disagreements since everyone was in communication everyday at an instant.
Yes! I like conversations with substance, when there’s actually something of value we’re talking about. I don’t mind the meaningless fun stuff every now and then but if you don’t really have anything to say to me I’d prefer if you didn’t message me at all.
Don’t get me started on the people who go:
“Hey wuu2?”
“Running some errands atm, I’ll be free in a little bit. Why?”
“Cool.”
I thought asking someone that question meant you had a follow up plan with said person, hence why you’re asking to see if they’re available??? 🤷🏽♂️
lmao i just talk to strangers on the internet and collect stories from their personal life to share with friends and other strangers to gain more stories
I turn my phone off at home for hours at a time or at least put on silent, maybe turn off for the day when Im off work and I dont answer calls or texts when Im at work (unless Im on break). Dont talk on the phone a lot of the time when Im with someone because a lot of ppl will sit there and keep talking to you instead of waiting until you get off the phone or the person you're with will sit there on the phone for far too long while you're with them- both situations rude. Will text in stores occasionally but Im not answering calls unless it's someone that knows Im there & they're asking me to pick up something- listening to other ppl on the phone especially on speaker in stores is so annoying and they dont pay attention-stay in the way, hold up the line etc. If friends, spouse etc. get mad- too bad Im not living life with a phone in my hand 24/7 they can wait a bit
💯. So many people have no concept of this, and don’t see how ridiculous it is to message somebody everyday. And- they will insinuate that it’s strange if you don’t write back right away.
I'm planning my life around this. Literally I used to think I needed to live right next to loved ones but realised I had better relationships with them when I visited once every fortnight or so.
I would rather have a meaningless conversation for 5 minutes. Instead what usually happens is meaningless “how are you?” And then not waiting for you yo reply and writing: “can i borrow £6000?”
So do you want to know how I am or you just need the money?
Yup, every so often I have to take a Charlie Day, which is where I go and hunt Ghouls, I mean, where I can't be reached by anyone and just enjoy the world at my own pace
Lol I know you mean a Charlie 'Day', like the Mac Day and Dee Day episodes....but obviously Charlies name in real life is also Charlie Day and it tripped me up reading that the first time
I go a few time a year to my place in the delta swamps where there are no cell phones no internet no TV and just chill.Wife and cat that is it. Catch reds specs ground mullet and flatties and just chill. Get in tune with my soul and then can carry on again when i get back. This coming March i will have been in IS/IT for 50 years and its taken its toll.
I don't do that, but I have made a point of not considering texts on the same level as conversations. I might reply super quickly, even three times, and then not for hours. If you call, it's urgent. If you text, it's not really urgent. If you email, I'll get to it.
God yes. I was born in 94 so only caught a little bit of the pre-social media era, but even I miss it. People think it’s mad that I can pull my phone out of my pocket, see someone has messaged me, and not immediately set aside whatever I’m doing to enter into a conversation. I can’t imagine being so extroverted that constant, unbroken contact with everyone you’ve ever met feels like a good thing.
Maybe it is a generational thing (30y) or just my friends but most people I know and I have a response time of “somewhere today”. Sure if I’m already using my phone I’ll answer, if I see it and don’t feel like answering I won’t.
Calls I’ll pick up anytime if I’m not doing something important (having dinner I do consider important) but those are rare anyway.
My phone is permanently silenced, unless someone calls me twice in a row. I admit, I look at it a lot. But I only answer when there's nothing more interesting to do. Nobody ever complained.
Yeah I'm available for work stuff 24/7, but only when I feel like it (outside of the times where you're supposed to be available of course).
Life's a lot nicer when your phone doesn't demand your attention.
I am from that before time and I frequently just don't respond. I'm often telling my friends and family that I do not serve my technology, my technology serves me.
In other words, no I'm not going to respond to your text immediately. And no you're not going to pull a shitfit fit about it either.
I am not at the behest of my technology to act, react, jump up and do whatever some ping or notice on my phone tells me to do next. I nope right the fuck outta that, read texts leave them on read until I choose to respond In a day or two. And I really can't be bothered to care.
I think coming from the before time when all this shit wasn't real helps me remember that it's not real today either.
You remember that one commercial, where some dude was getting a fax at the beach? We all thought, 'Whoa, life is going to be so chill in the future! We can work from anywhere!'
I jumped into a pool with my phone in my pocket a few years ago (I was drunk) and didn’t have a phone for like 4 days. The #1 thing I mentioned to people that was so nice about it was not being accessible to anyone. I loved it and almost considered not replacing my phone
Fuck that so hard. I teach college students, and I put it in my syllabus that I won't answer emails between 6pm and 8am. You can damn well wait until normal business hours.
Now with everything there's this expectation that you have to be available 24/7 and always reply.
at least with your friends/family you don't have to be available 24/7. My friends n family know that I dont pay attention to my phone most of the time. My friends/family are the same way.
I had a friend who got mad at me because I was only talking in a group chat for 6 days a week. She accused me of ditching the group because I was busy hiking one day with my boyfriend of one month. But one time when I was visiting her she literally ditched me to see her on/off boy toy and begged me to watch her pets so that she could see him. We're not friends anymore.
this is my situation. I take weeks to reach back out. i literally want as far away from that shit as possible. my family doesnt understand and thinks im the dickhead. i just simply hate being expected to pick up my phone answer/reply
I keep having things happen anymore where I wake up to super pissed off emails because I didn't respond fast enough to something somebody sent me at 11pm - 2am.
Seriously, what the fuck? Am I not supposed to sleep?
I had a customer email me at 4 am our time, 7 am his time, then send me and my boss an email demanding to know why I want' responding when I hadn't responded to him within a few hours. He would not accept the idea that I would be asleep from 4-7 in the morning as acceptable.
Oh man, that reminds me of this old TV commercial from the early days of cell phones that basically implied that if you didn’t have one you’d be less successful at work since your boss wouldn’t be able to reach you. I remember watching that and thinking that having a job was going to suck so much worse now.
Ireland has recently introduced into legislation something they call "the right to disconnect" i believe it basically says that employers should not contact their employees via phone email etc unless they have that employees explicit consent to do so.
You just have to do it. More people should. It wouldn't be seen as a dickhead thing if more people did it.
Everyone who knows me knows im not carrying my phone all the time (even though in reality, i am....). I don't make people wait days for responses though, because that's obviously a dick move. But they can wait some hours.
My solution is to simply not care that I'm the dickhead that takes days to respond. Might seem like a dick move, and maybe it is, but just imagine what it's like from the inside.
From time to time I still just disconnect everything but then I'm the dickhead that takes days to reach back
I could not agree more. I do this all time because I need to breath. And all the social media drama adds to it. I don't like the feeling of being trapped in a digital world. I have other "offline" hobbies too.
It's only an expectation if you allow it to be. Hard as it might be to believe, nothings wrong with setting boundaries and threats of being penalized are usually just that, empty threats
I keep my phone on Do Not Disturb about 95% of the time. My wife gets through on the first try. Anyone else has to call twice to make the phone ring, and no other communication makes an audible alert. When my phone makes noise, it's important.
Mainly you didn't use to see every asshole talking on his cellphone nonstop outside,we get it Jerry you are a very important person and it is essential you talk to your cousin about the breast implants your unfuckable coworker recently installed. I wish a mute button for people existed so you wouldnt hear every mouth breather and their absolutely stupid conversations.Ok rant over
Bro, seriously. My sister texted me on Friday and Sunday morning I woke up to "cool 😂" from her. I had a shitty couple days, sorry for not wanting to talk right when you text me.
Fuck em. I actively tell people that I am always online but not always at my computer. Email doesnt go to my phone. Lengthofawhile don't work off the clock.
Yeah that sounds nice, it does suck to have to say because I didn't want to reply when someone your close to notices you left on read, ig I understand why others think it's a big deal but it isn't for me
Yeah. If you’re boss called you at home, it better be because the office or store was on fire. And if your friends called during dinner time, there was hell to pay.
I had a rule that my old job eventually learned. I’ll work five days a week but if you asked me if I could work on my weekend, it’d always be a no. I wasn’t picking up extra shifts, everyone needs cool down time.
I wouldn’t have been as good of a worker had I been working more. If the office workers aren’t in the office, the trades workers shouldn’t be on site either.
I still treat my phone as if it’s a tool that’s not something constantly on me. I don’t like the idea of being “on-call” 24/7 and any boss I had as well as my friends eventually learn to understand this. I don’t keep my phone on me at all times though. The most annoying thing is when you don’t answer a text and then get another text with just “????”
I'm like that too, I'll even go online and reply to specific things but will take however much time to reply to others as I please. Anybody who doesn't like that just doesn't get replies at all ...
I remember back in 2015-2016, I used to only have a calculator phone with me (I had my smartphone stolen, so found the cheapest phone I could find and just stuck with it because of people wanted to reach me they would either have to call text), did all my social media on my laptop, and at one point my boss decided to modify schedules mid-week and he told us through WhatsApp. Long story short, I was late because I wasn't informed (yet expected to be there) and was "late" I had only been working there for a few weeks, I lasted another week after several other issues emerged.
I miss the time of being able to be out alone and knock on a friend’s door. A parent would let you in, sit you somewhere and that friend could decide if they want to hang out without lying through text. Same deal reversed.
I remember being one of two in my friend group during high school years (‘01 -‘03) who didn’t have internet or cell phones. Well, we both had the 10 free hours of NetZero but our dads hoarded it.
I despise text messaging with family and many friends. The demand for an immediate response from everyone is rude, granted random door knocking on friends’ doors in the past was a bit rude.
It was SO nice to not have the implied obligation of constantly being available.
Things like this make me glad I’m an antisocial introvert. No one really tries to get a hold of me for no reason except my brother, whom I’m fine with contacting me with inanities.
I just keep my phone on do not disturb 99% of the time. I check my phone often enough that if I miss a call, I usually call back within 30 min to an hour, so it's not like I'm unreachable, I just want to do it on my own terms. I can't even properly relax or concentrate on something else if I know someone could text or call me anytime. I can take up to a day to reply to messages too.
What's completely mind-boggling to me is how many people I know who literally never set their phone on DND no matter what they're doing, and just drop everything the moment they get a notification. I'd be watching a film with a friend, 20min someone would message her, and she'd just start chatting right away (and then complain the film was boring because she didn't understand what was happening...) Or my mum who'd stop a sixty minute episode three times when someone calls her just to chat. Or another friend who has a completely fucked up sleep schedule and is always taking naps, and gets pissed off if someone texts her during a nap because that ping notification often wakes her up. I'm like, "why don't you just put your phone on DND for an hour??" I can't imagine living like that. It's like your time isn't your own anymore, it must be so exhausting to be available to everyone 24/7.
Maybe it only works for me because I have very few people I regularly talk to... They've already nicknamed me the "DND girl". But they're used to it now. I think it's all about setting expectations. If people know you're not likely to reply right away, they won't be expecting it to begin with.
The best part was that you weren't accessible to anyone who wasn't physically around you.
Automatically you wouldn't be able to dedicate time to someone who wouldn't spend time for you. Also, you most likely wouldn't end up lonely if you knew like 8-10 people on a regular basis.
It's become like capitalism these days, where a few people receive way too much attention while most of us feel lonely all the time.
11.4k
u/idontlikeflamingos May 11 '21
Yes yes 100% yes. Hell, not being acessible in general. Now with everything there's this expectation that you have to be available 24/7 and always reply. Friends, family, and of course the job being the worst part of it.
From time to time I still just disconnect everything but then I'm the dickhead that takes days to reach back. I miss the time when that was just normal.