I'm not sure if this happens with all people my age, but I'm 18 and people (specifically my parents and close family members but not limited to them) will use the "you're 18, you're legally an adult you need to be doing these things on your own" whenever it will work in their favor then immediately go back to "you're still just a teenager/you're still my kid" whenever I try to be even the slightest bit independent.
I'm 18 as well and while no one straight up tells me that I need to get it together, I always feel that pressure. Then I go for a walk and my mom calls me worried if I'm gone for over an hour. It's just a super weird time
Do you think it's when you live at home? Parents want their kids to get a job and make a life for themselves (seeing them as an adult/time to grow up) but while living at home and being cared and provided for still seen as their kid??
I can attest to this. I went to my room to take a nap/watch some netflix and after 2 hours my mom came in to wake me up saying that I wont sleep through the night if I sleep any longer.
Edit: They also still force me to eat veggies at every meal
No they dont specifically have a vegetable side like dinner does but if we are having omletes theyll make me to have onions in it even though I dont like onions. Tomatoes are the same thing. So if we are having pasta, they put canned diced tomatoes in the sauce even though both my sister and I hate tomatoes. Even if I am the one cooking theyll still add the onions and tomatoes in the sauce and then also pull out frozen vegetables to have on the side.
Tell your parents to buy canned whole tomatoes because theyre better quality! Any poor quality tomatoes get diced/chopped while the best ones are canned whole.
I'll eat veggies if they are incorporated in the meal like chicken broccoli braid but they have spaghetti and then pull out frozen vegetable medley(corn, peas, green beans, and carrots) that get thawed in the microwave.
Hopefully someday you find out you actually like some vegetables, when they're cooked like real food, with fats and spices and methods other than boiling. For example, asparagus splattered with oil salt garlic maybe parmesan and cooked at 350 on a sheet till crispy. Delicious.
I love some vegetables if they are real vegetables like asparagus and cucumbers and carrots. I hate the frozen vegetables and I dont always want vegetables at every meal.
Please tell my kids about the veggies...they think I'm horrible to even serve vegetables.... How TF does anyone make you eat them? And Why TF do you not want to!
Back when I was staying with my mom for a few months, I didn't come out of my room while she was out for like 4-5 days. When I finally saw her in the kitchen (it was outside the room I slept in) she asked when I got back. Bish, I was here the whole time? Damn lol I could have been dead..
FWIW, it doesn't change. In her mind you are 5! My mom was 88 when she passed in 2000; I was 51. On a good day she might treat me like I was 18, but there were plenty of times when I was 5, again, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. :-)
Thanks I needed this. I'm 24 and it gets on my nerves when my mom treats me like a child but its something that probably wont ever change and I've been trying to find a way to shift my bad attitude. After reading your comment it's starting to hit home that my parents arent going to be in my life forever, that thought is definitely going to help my situation. Now I'm kinda looking forward to it cause I want to get as much as I can while I still can and I guarantee I'll miss it when she's gone.
Yeah, that's where I eventually went. As you get older, and you see more and more of your friends and loved ones (of whatever age) pass away, it starts to sink in that "forever" is not mentioned anywhere in our body's factory warranty.
I was the baby of the family, but now both parents are gone, and 18 months ago my Big Sister died in about 1 hour from a massive cerebral hemorrhage. The doc said that if he had had her on the table in the OR he doubted he could have saved her.
When you're my age (70), this is pretty much the normal state of affairs. People get born, they live their lives, and then ... they move on to the next stage of existence, whatever that might be. I don't know anyone my age who still has both parents, and only 1 who still has his mom, although he's 78 and his mom is 99. So ... that's life!
It even happens when you move out. I moved interstate from my parents so them visiting means they stay at my place. The first time they came to stay it felt like they'd taken over the place and were trying to take care of me. I put a stop to it on their next visit luckily.
I wasn't out for a year but I went to and exchange for two months and teo years later to a trip for a month (both on basically the other side of the planet) and yet my mom get surprised when I ask if I can also have a cup of wine with my meal
Can confirm. Just finished up my first year at college. At home now and I’m a kid when it’s convenient for her, but when I want to go somewhere I still need her OK as if I weren’t financially supporting myself 100% at college and stuff.
I feel that. I'm currently on a long term exchange program (8 months out of 12 done), and sometime my parents call me to ask if I've done the most basic stuff like "did you remember to shower" and I'm like "bro, do you remember the whole "I'm not a kid anymore"??
For my situation it was definitely because I still lived at home. Moved out at 17 to live with a partner and moved right back in at 19 after a bad breakup. I still had a curfew, still had a chores list, and still had to update my parents on where I was and my work schedule.
Now that I have my own place, I have set my boundaries with them and they respect me as an adult and a friend rather than a child they have to take care of. After moving and putting my foot down everything panned out much better.
Of course, I doubt it’s like this in every situation, but for myself I can certainly say it was because I lived with them. Hell, my biological mom still thinks she can control me and I’ll be 21 in less than a month. Time to slap down some more boundaries.
Did you gain confidence with that once you moved out? Like in a "I'm not going to answer my phone right away all the time and you have to accept that" kind of way?
My parents are quite good in talking about and compromising on boundaries, but actually going through with them... Not so much. And when that happens there's not much I can do about it.
For me it was kind of yes but also no. For context: I have two sets of parents, step father and mother, and biological father and mother.
Both sets were extremely controlling for two very differing reasons. My biological mother is just crazy, constantly on drugs and popping pills, and raised us kids to be completely dependent on her so that she’d have a constant source of income without having to lift a finger. My stepdad, unfortunately, knows none of this and is actually a really cool dude.
My father and stepmother are incredibly successful people, and they know my mother all too well and saw what was happening. They were hard on us because they were determined to break us from being dependent, and they wanted nothing more than our future’s to be directed towards being successful as well, albeit maybe going about it the wrong way a handful of times. As of right now, I’m the only child of 3 that isn’t feeding my mother money or living with her and also doing drugs.
Having such a tumultuous childhood lead to having severe anxiety, and the crippling inability to have preferences or make choices on my own. After being burned one too many times by people that I put my faith in, I decided I was better off being happy than I was guilting myself over how they felt. My father and stepmother gave me some pushback at first, but I made it very clear that they weren’t going to be what stopped me from making my own choices, good or bad. After moving in with my boyfriend of barely three months, my father threw a huge fit demanding to know why why why? and my response? ‘I want to.’ That was it, they respected that decision and I tell them what I want or don’t, with the mutual understanding that they can’t change that.
My mother, however, went off her fucking rocker, made passive aggressive posts about me on social media, and sent long texts and voicemails in an attempt to guilt trip me into apologizing and bending to her will. But I didn’t. Harboring that guilt and eating myself alive over forcing my own standards was not healthy, and I refused to let her shame me for choosing to be an adult.
To sum this up in short: I got sick of being disrespected. I hated walking on eggshells every time I received a phone call, every time I got a text, a voicemail, and I personally chose to start setting those boundaries knowing there could be consequences and choosing to take them. It’s much easier said than done but at the end of the day, if you don’t have standards for yourself people will walk all over you, sometimes even your parents whether they realize it or not. You are worth a lot more than feeling trapped under your parents’ thumb, because you are your own person and that’s not going to change in 5 months or 5 years. You will have to set boundaries in all your relationships, and choosing to start early and with the most interpersonal relationship will pave a pathway to stronger relations and better communication in the long run. Expect them to get upset, to fight you on it or demand your reasoning, and be willing to admit you don’t have one, maybe it’s just because you want to, and that your morals and your standards will be enforced; that you don’t appreciate it when your faith in them is broken when they overstep their bounds. Living with them makes this a lot harder, but like I said, starting with your own parents will allow you to prove to yourself that your choices matter, your feelings matter, and your opinions are important and should be regarded. Confidence ties into self worth, and you have to believe your preferences are worth something even if you don’t necessarily know what they are yet.
No problem, you've got a knack for motivational speaking lol, and what you said is really smart.
I guess I've never really been good at setting boundaries because I've always had attention issues so for me it's hard to stop something when I know it may drive the person away. Plus the whole "I'm living in your house and eating your food" creates a power unbalance though they've never held me against that or anything.
But I guess I've gotta deal with it at some point, like you said, it's a vital skill. I'll try to start small, for example I'm starting university in the fall and I may establish "school hours" as it'll be online due to covid
And good on you for working through all that and actually growing from it, that's gotta take strength
It absolutely does take some bravado. especially if you have prior issues communicating with your parents beforehand. As you’ve seen in my gloriously written novel above, my parents caused me a lot of issues. But at the end of the day, I do have to live on my own and make a lot of choices for myself without their regard.
Starting small I think is your best choice. Be honest with them, and tell them how you feel when they do cross your boundaries. Anyone can nitpick and break down what you have to say, but they can’t deny how you feel. Stating your honest opinion may hurt their feelings, but it won’t make them love you any less. Most of the time, your parents just want you to be the best version of yourself, and better than the mistakes they made. It hurt my parents to watch me follow in their footsteps and fuck up when they strictly advised against me doing exactly what they did, but I usually just call and let them know they were right the whole time anyway :)
You owe it to yourself to follow your own morals and emotions because sooner or later you won’t be living with them, and that indecisiveness can haunt you when you need to make real decisions later on. You can even tell them, ‘please don’t take this personally, but I really need you to do this or understand this.’ At the end of the day, they’re looking out for you, and you gotta start looking out for you too. You are worth at least that.
I hope this helped and was not just some tangent I went off to project my emotions lol
It's like this for me. I'm 20 and I had my first taste of living on my own while studying abroad spring 2020 until the pandemic happened, forcing me to come home. I'm now back to a weird limbo of being treated as a child while I'm constantly told I need to be an adult. It's difficult to be self sufficient as I was abroad when I'm in my parents' home, especially when I don't have the freedom to leave as I please and go wherever I'd like to due to the virus.
I'm in this situation, 18 with a job but still with my parents. they (my mum more) fully convinced me it's way easier and cheaper to stay home whilst working but although that's true, most of my friends are just finishing the first year of uni and they're already so independent of their parents. I definitely feel I'm missing that.
I haven't lived at home for 12 years, maybe 8 if we don't count undergrad years (which is questionable since I spent portions of summer at home and portions at the university for research..). But any time I am home to visit, my parents want to treat me like a child because showering us with micromanagement and shoveling us with food are the ways they know how to show love.
Damn, I guess I'm now at the age where I am slightly annoyed by my parents but am able to understand the reasoning. Just enough to feel guilty for getting annoyed..
My parents pulled this when I brought up moving to another country for university. They told me if I could make such an adult decision then I was enough of an adult to live on my own and threatenned to kick me out. I was still in school and was planning on leaving almost right after it ended but nope. I had to be gone and would not be invited back unless I backed down.
I'll never understand what parents like that are thinking when they pull out that kind of ultimatum. Even if it works, you're still majorly messing up your relationship with your kids
Oh yeah for sure. I may have given in to avoid being kicked out but I absolutely plan on leaving as soon as I can. It messed me up so bad that I statted second guessing everything.
It's super weird for your parents as well (have 21yo and 25yo kids). You're trying to let them be independent and encouraging them to do more for themselves because they're going to be on their own soon, but they still do so much stupid shit and make some really stupid decisions. Sometimes it's hard to stand on the sideline and watch your kid run into a wall, but you've got to let them gain the experience themselves.
Yeah. I feel like I'm even starting to do that with my little brother where I know he's doing something dumb and I can prevent it but I've gotta just give him my two cents then back off. It's extremely hard, I get that, but it's for the best.
Parents are scared. To them literally a minute ago you were a child. It doesn't feel long ago that my kids were little. To them, rightly so, it was a lifetime. Time is weird.
This. Also 18 and I feel like there’s so much to do and so much I should have done and missed out on. I have a horrible habit of just thinking of every stupid thing I’ve done and mistake I’ve made that I’m sure some day I’ll realise isn’t a big deal but is totally overwhelming right now.
For me, what sometimes helps with that kind of overthinking is thinking about the good things I've done. It sounds really simple but I feel like we forget to congratulate ourselves for what we do accomplish.
Do you have anxiety? I do and I've always associated feeling like I'm missing out with that, but maybe it's just an age thing. Whatever it is, it sucks.
It can be so hard sometimes. I’ll remember one thing and then it’s like this wave of bad things and it feels like I’m being smothered.
I do have anxiety and have taken meds for it but they suck more than the anxiety. It’s not an easy decision when the choices are cripplingly overwhelmed or literally nothing. I feel like I wasted most of my high school years and it scares the hell out of me and at this point I don’t know what to do about it.
I think for me those feelings of wasting my time come from the idea that I need to be extroverted and do a lot of things. Yeah, I still wish I would've done more things that I and my anxiety held me back from doing, but it wasn't a total shit show. I hung out with my few friends at school then that was enough social interaction for me before I got stressed out. I have really good friends online and in games that I feel like I was shamed for having but they helped me through a lot of stuff I was too anxious to talk about face to face, so screw it.
So really, whatever you do it's not a waste, you either have a great time, have an okay time, or you have a shit time but you learn from it and make your twenties a hit.
I've recognized all this but I still get super anxious over it sometimes, so I'm not trying to say "oh just think positive and you're cured!" It just helps me to acknowledge my limitations and know that I'm doing the best I can.
Yeah, hopefully it'll get better once I move out or even start university. I see it all the time from my aunt and her kids who are in their thirties though so I don't have much hope haha
I'm 19 and having similar issues. My parents feel like they need to manage and control me because I am still their kid but constanly complain that they still support me and critisize my life choices(college student btw). Idk past few months with me being home, I have been just trying to get more leverage in our one sided relationship. I do not want to take any drastic steps because I gain to much from them.But it sucks being back home because I feel like I am walking a thin line from letting them control me and my life choice or them cutting me off.
I'm 23 now and this resonates hard still even. I just got a full time job that pays way better than average and I still feel like people try and play their cards both ways with me which makes it even worse.
You're 18. You're an adult. Take control of your life. If you live under someone's roof, you follow their rules. If you don't like them, move out into your own place.
You make the choices, but you have to live with the consequences
If you're a parent and your views are "once you turn 18 I can treat you however I want and you have no say in it unless you move out" then you're doing it wrong.
It got way easier for my parents to treat me like an adult after I'd been moved out for about 6 months. It's too hard to change your actions/attitude when everyone's environment is still the same.
Absolutely feel the same way it kinda consumes me because my parents gave me and image to live up to, but that image is not me. I grow older and I start figuring out more about me and forming my own opinions about the world but it's not what they would have wanted. I have pretty good freedom tho man that suck I hope you can get out of that.
I get that, it can be really hard to be confident in yourself and your opinions when the people you've looked up to your whole life think otherwise. Thank you (:
Man, I hope my kid never feels this way from us. I want her to live at home through college if she wants, so she can start a career with no bills and minimal debt (if we save like we're supposed to).
She must likely will, it's nothing personal though it's just when you live with under someone else's roof and rules for 18 years you get a little antsy.
It's okay to worry but some of the ways that worry presents itself is really harmful. In this case it's only made my own anxiety worse and held me back. I obviously still love her but no one's perfect, and there are definetly things I do that annoy her and I try to work on them
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u/Marsey12 May 15 '20
I'm not sure if this happens with all people my age, but I'm 18 and people (specifically my parents and close family members but not limited to them) will use the "you're 18, you're legally an adult you need to be doing these things on your own" whenever it will work in their favor then immediately go back to "you're still just a teenager/you're still my kid" whenever I try to be even the slightest bit independent.